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loudlypanickinginvenezolano · 12 hours

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Battinson on SNL

Idk how popular Saturday Night Live is outside of the US so there will be some links for context. That said, as a New Jersey native, I think Battinson would totally watch the show. And since he's a celebrity...👀

To promote WE’s newest charity fund, Alfred signs Bruce up to be a guest host on SNL (à la this post) The announcement is made, and everyone’s like “oh this is going to be a disaster. That man can’t even hold eye contact or speak a full sentence without crying.”

But oh, that’s why it’s so funny.

Now, hear me out. Bruce’s strengths are displayed best when he’s himself. That’s why he’s so popular in Gotham. That’s why the internet calls him Relatable TM and a Disaster (Affectionate) and “Poor Little Meow Meow.” It’s his ✨ essence ✨

But he tends to get overwhelmed or self-conscious onstage, right? Because he can’t be Himself himself if he has time to overthink something. So after a few meetings with Bruce, the writers of SNL figure out the perfect way to keep Bruce from getting anxious.

They decide to load this episode with as many skits where Bruce plays different caricature-like versions of himself as possible. The objective? Make him break character and laugh so he doesn’t overthink. And if he breaks character, he’ll still technically be in character because he’s playing himself, you know? Genius.

So that’s how they go about structuring the show. During the few days they have to write, they decide to take everything about Bruce’s public image and either ramp it up to 11 or turn it on its head.

He speaks quietly? Turn it into a running gag. He dresses in all black? Make him emo. He tips well? Add that in too. He’s “depressed” and “sad?” Literally, all he does on screen is laugh and break character. What’s not to love?

Of course, Bruce also gets to decide what skits are in each episode as well. (Refer to this if you have no idea how SNL works.) He loves the idea, though, and he has a surprisingly dark sense of humor which bleeds into some of the sketches. They add in a few skits without him, and they’ve got their lineup.

It’s the wildest episode of the season. Here are the highlights:

OPENING MONOLOGUE

It’s the big night, everyone’s excited to see Bruce Wayne hosting a live sketch comedy show with no idea how it will turn out.

To begin his monologue, Bruce walks on, opens his mouth to start talking, and immediately two cast members appear as stagehands to set up six microphones in front of him. He is already struggling to keep himself together.

Bruce: “You may be wondering why I’m host- Cast Member: *adds one more tiny microphone to his chest* Bruce: “You may be wondering why I’m hosting tonight.”

It’s working. The audience loves it.

Halfway through, Kate McKinnon comes out in a dark cloak with a chalice. “Your sustenance, my lord.” *sees camera* “Oh. Sorry. Carry on.” And she shambles off. Bruce has to take a second before continuing.

Bruce knows when (most of) the jokes come. It’s literally on the cue cards, but he still falls into a fit of giggles.

There are a few more gags, including Lex Luthor peeking out from behind the band set-up, all teasing the show to come.

Overall, an amazing way to set the tone for the episode. Expectations have been set. Then the skits begin!

(Oh but before I forget: During every single live skit with Bruce, the writers have scheduled for one of the cast members to run in dressed as a stagehand and put an extra mic on him. They do not tell him when it will happen.)

SKIT #1

Between the monologue and the first skit, he has to do a really fast quick change, but to everyone’s surprise, Bruce is a natural. (Huh, wonder why.)

The skit is called Gotham PTA Meeting. We open in a meeting room full of stereotypical PTA moms setting down baked goods and gossiping. And apparently, there is a new PTA member attending today 👀

Right as the meeting starts, he enters. Bruce walks in wearing the most emo get-up imaginable. He’s got a Nirvana shirt, a comical amount of eyeliner, black skinny jeans, chain accessories, metal rings, AND a clip-in extension to give him fringe.

Someone immediately runs in and puts another mic on him.

PTA Mom: “Oh, Bruce! You made it! Did you bring a snack?” Bruce: “I brought lemon bars.” PTA Mom: “Why are they black?” Bruce: “They match my soul…they’re also vegan.”

He talks like a moody teenager. HE CONSTANTLY has to brush the fringe off to the side to read the cue cards. And because there’s so much eyeliner and he’s sweating a bit from the lights, it starts running everywhere.

PTA Mom: “Bruce, you’re a little quiet. What are your thoughts on increasing the school lunch budget?” Bruce: *eyeliner dripping down his chin* “I think it’s a great idea.”

SKIT #2

For a pre-filmed skit, they bring back the Chad character with Pete Davidson.

It’s 2 am, and Chad is working at a 24hr drug store in Gotham. He’s reading Twilight (the book is upside down) when the lights begin to flicker.

He turns around and tries the light switch, turns back around, and JUMPSCARE it’s Bruce dressed as Edward from Twilight.

Yes, he IS sparkly.

Bruce is awkwardly holding a bunch of items, all concerning. He plops down a few knives, several raw meats, Sudafed. Chad: “Oh hey.” Bruce: O_O “I’d like to check out please.” Chad: “Lit.”

Chad’s “No Fucks Given” energy and Bruce’s “Please Do Not Perceive Me” energy clash like titans. The whole skit centers around it.

Bruce: *sweating bullets* “Oh. You’re reading Twilight?” Chad: “Just the title.” Bruce: *throws the book through the window at lightning speed* “It’s not very good. You should probably read something else.” Chad: *shrugs* “Okay.”

Chad: “ID?” Bruce: “ID? For what?” Chad: “Sudafed.” Bruce: “Oh. I don’t really need that, actually.” Chad: “Already scanned it.” Bruce: “Haha. Of course.” *awkwardly produces a scroll from his pocket that says Bruce Wayne DOB: 1901* Chad: “Okay.”

Bruce checks out, Chad picks up a porno mag or something, and we see Bruce turn into a bat and fly off through the window behind him.

SKIT #3

The next skit they have is Celebrity Family Feud: Billionaires Edition. Again, Bruce plays himself, but he’s more of a background character. Instead, the skit makes fun of billionaires as a whole.

Bruce’s team consists of Kylie Jenner, Lex Luthor, and Oliver Queen. So just imagine three Lucille Bluths standing beside one another.

Bruce’s bit? He just keeps handing cash to Steve Harvey every time he breathes in his direction.

Host: "We got the richest man in the world: Bruce Wayne!" Bruce: *hands him a roll of cash* Host: "Oh, what’s this for?" Bruce: "It’s your tip. I always tip." Host: "Oh, Mr. Wayne, you don’t usually tip the show host. I’m also a millionaire myself." Lex Luthor: *snatches it* "Well, if you’re not going to use it, I will…for charity, of course." Host: "Uh huh, whatever helps you sleep at night."

Just a ton of fun quips, the usual.

At some point, Harvey says, “That’s batty.” Bruce: *ducks* “Where?!” Host: “Oh, I don’t mean Batman. He’s not here.” Bruce: “You don’t know that.”

This time, the mic bit is a bit different.

Host: “We asked 100 billionaires: How much does a loaf of bread cost? Top three answers are on the board.” Bruce: *hits buzzer* Host: Bruce, your answer is? Cast Member: *runs in with a megaphone and holds it in front of Bruce* Bruce: “TEN DOLLARS?”

Board dings! That was the #1 answer

Brucie Wayne for the win

SKIT #4

Next is a skit that dares to ask Gotham, “Why would anyone live here?”

The skit begins with someone opening a press conference for Wayne Enterprises. “And now presenting: Bruce Wayne!” Bruce walks in…

But it’s not him. Instead, it’s one of the cast members dressed in a black suit with horribly gelled brown hair.

Everyone in the audience is wondering where the actual Bruce is before another cast member runs onstage crying, “Help! Help! I’ve just been robbed! Somebody call Batman!”

A mini version of the bat-signal lights up…

We hear some generic hero music play…

And there he is: Bruce Wayne dressed in a horribly cheap Batman costume

(They got the cowl ALL wrong btw)

Bruce puts his hands on his hips in a weird superhero pose. Bruce: “I’m Batm-” Cast Member: *runs out to attach another mic to his costume* Bruce: “….I’m Batman!”

Cue all of the gags and digs against Batman. The fake Bruce faints then starts crying under a table. Someone calls Batman a furry. Bruce is barely keeping it together the whole time. Lord help him, but he asked for it. He approved the skit.

Bruce: “Looks like a job for my bat taser!” Cast Member: “Isn’t that just a taser with a bat on it?” Bruce: *whispers* “You shut your mouth.”

He saves the day, the police take the thief into custody, then Batman myStErioUsly disappears. Bruce: “Look over there!” *runs off* Cast Member: “Oh my gooood, how did he do that?”

CLOSING SEGMENT

Finally, they have the Weekend Update where Bruce comes on as himself for the final time.

Since they got his permission, the writers switch out some of Bruce’s jokes last minute. (Think Bill Hader’s Stefon which notoriously caused him to break character because the writers would mess with his cue cards.)

News Anchor: “Here to promote his newest humanitarian project: Bruce Wayne!” “Mr. Wayne, what a pleasure to see you today.” Bruce: “Thank you. This is probably the longest I’ve been out of the house.” News Anchor: “Since the Riddler catastrophe?” Bruce: “Since ever.”

News Anchor: “So Mr. Wayne! Before you make your announcement, any life updates?” Bruce: “Yes, actually. Just a few days ago, I adopted five- *starts losing it* five more children.” News Anchor: “Wow, really? So you have eight kids now.” Bruce: “Uh huh. *tears streaming down his face* One more orphan and I get the tenth one free.”

News Anchor: “So where can people find you online?” Bruce: “Well, I don’t have social media because I’m afraid of people, but sometimes I’m on Twitter.” News Anchor: “What about a phone call?” Bruce: “Oh no, phone calls- *giggle* phone calls give me fainting spells.”

It’s a great way of finishing the show, with the most genuine version of Bruce. Then, he gets to what’s really important!

News Anchor: “So if they can’t reach you on social media or on the phone, what else can our viewers do, Mr. Wayne?” Bruce: “They can donate to the Wayne Foundation’s newest charity called The Arts Initiative. It funds programs for the arts in underdeveloped school districts nationwide. I’ve already donated $30 million, and I’ve pledged to match every dollar donated within the next week.”

And that’s what he’s here for :) They share a link for where and how to donate. The anchors praise him for his charity, which he deflects because he can definitely afford this, and the 90-minute broadcast is over.

The camera pans away with the whole cast waving goodbye, and Bruce is seen keeling over with laughter.

Along with some of the other skits, these four specifically go viral. WE raises a fuck ton of money, and everyone loves Bruce.

THE END

LOVE YOU ALL!! Let me know what you think :D

4K notes · View notes

loudlypanickinginvenezolano · 13 hours

Note

(take these in any direction)

popular interview styles, stuff like:

the buzzfeed puppy interview or 73 questions, or if your feeling chaotic, celebrity skin care routines or something else entirely…

(Please excuse how long this took. I ended up watching a lot of these interviews so I could get the format down. It is very chaotic. Anyway—)

SO THERE’S THIS FUNKY LITTLE AURA TO EVERY BRUCE WAYNE INTERVIEW

And that aura is a trembling little chihuahua in a sweater. Let’s begin :)

There are multiple compilations of Bruce Wayne looking uncomfortable or awkward in interviews. It’s become a meme in Gotham.

He doesn’t know how not to be awkward. Let’s put it that way.

They always have to double mic him because he mumbles so much.

99% of the time, he looks like would rather be anywhere but in that chair.

So why do them? Two reasons:

1. to promote any charity or other humanitarian project that Wayne Enterprises is leading

2. he lost a bet to Alfred

The first reason is just business ofc, but interviewers will STILL always try to get something out of him. (It never works.)

“So Mr. Wayne, the public’s dying to know. Are you dating anyone?” Bruce, frantically eyeing his notecards: “The turtles are going extinct.”

The second one is much funnier because Alfred takes the liberty of signing him up for the most interesting one he can find.

LIKE???

WIRED: “Autocomplete Interview”

The first of this betting tradition gone wrong.

He’s just so pure in this one

“Did Bruce Wayne adopt a son?” “Yes! His name is Richard, Dick for short, and he is the light of my life.”

“Does Bruce Wayne run Wayne Enterprises?” “Yes, but I tend to put most of my time into Wayne Tech and the Wayne Foundation.”

“How much does Bruce Wayne tip?” “I usually just ask if they have any debt they need help with or what their rent is. It’s really no bother. I like to help :)”

“How did Bruce Wayne become rich?” “I inherited a lot of money at a young age. *whispering* Please don’t ask me for financial advice.”

“Where does Bruce Wayne live?” Gotham City, New Jersey! Lovely place…just don’t look at the crime rate.”

“Are Bruce Wayne and Batman dating?” “….What the fuck?”

“Is Bruce Wayne vegetarian?” “Yes. I don’t like killing things :(“

“Bruce Wayne…parents.” “…this isn’t a question-“

VOGUE: “24 Hours with Bruce Wayne”

Alfred was SO WRONG FOR THIS ONE

“So this is my living room…I really like black.”

There’s a little counter in the corner of the video for how much he spends in a day (99% is just tipping and donating)

They attend meetings with him for the latest charity campaign.

They ask him questions while he’s being styled for a photoshoot.

The juicy bits come when night falls

He keeps trying to get away so he can do Batman things

“Oh would you look at the time! I’m going to bed.” “Isn’t your room that way?” “Wow! You’re right! I completely forgot.”

He insists that the news stays on in the background while they film the late night portion

*bat screeches in the distance* “Those darn…mice.”

Police sirens can be heard in the distance, and Bruce just so happens to go to the bathroom for an hour.

Alfred (bless him, he feels horrible for organizing this) does his Absolute Best to distract the crew

“Master Wayne, there’s a foreign investor on the phone.”

“Master Wayne, why don’t you help me prepare a late night snack for our guests?”

“Master Wayne, your son would like you to read him another bedtime story.”

“Master Wayne, your friends here seem a bit tired. Why don’t you all take a break?”

When Bruce comes back, he has this weird black residue clumped in his eyelashes. Also, he has a fresh bruise on his face? “I slipped in the shower.”

BuzzFeed: “Thirst Tweets”

(Do you really think I wouldn’t include this? Have you met me?)

Bruce thought he was doing the Puppy Interview. He was too scared to correct them.

He tries to be polite the whole time, but he’s just…so flustered.

As usual, it starts out pretty tame and wholesome

“I just wanna boop him on the nose and snuggle him in a blanket and make him hot chocolate.” “Thank you :) I do like hot chocolate.”

“Bruce Wayne is so babygirl I just wanna ball him up and chew him like bubblegum” “I don’t think I understand the first part?”

“Why aren’t we talking about how gorgeous Bruce Wayne? Nobody talks enough about how gorgeous Bruce Wayne is. He is gorgeous. Bruce Wayne. Did you know how gorgeous Bruce Wayne is?” Bruce just hides his face behind his hands and mumbles, “Thanks.”

Then it gets worse :)

“Bruce Wayne could literally snap me in half and use me as a glow stick” Slightly concerned, “I don’t want to snap anyone in half.”

“Yes, the rumors are true. I am a sl- can I read that? A [redacted] for Bruce Wayne.” “Are you sure I’m allowed to say that?”

“Bruce Wayne can suffocate me and I’d resurrect just to say thank you” “Wait no, but that’s bad. Please don’t thank me :(”

“I would eat Bruce Wayne’s ass so hard. I would do anything he asked of me” “I…I will not be asking that. What-”

“I want to suck the soul out of Bruce Wayne’s [redacted] like a gogurt.” “…is this…a public twitter account??”

“I wanna bend- …oh.” “I wanna bend Bruce Wayne over, pull his hair, make him arch his back and wreck…him like an iron fist going through a wet sheet of paper.” *blushing furiously* “…That’s a really vivid metaphor.”

BBC 1: “Kids Ask Difficult Questions”

Underrated, honestly

I have a lot feelings about this one.

As usual, their starting line is, “Of course, if you refuse any of these questions, it means you hate children.” Bruce looks terribly distraught at that notion and tries to be honest as possible

Starts with cute stuff, and he MELTS at the kids’ cute voices

“Hi, Bruce Wayne! My name’s Katelyn, and my favorite fruit is pineapple. What’s the best birthday party you ever had?” “I don’t really like parties, but my son, Dick, and I went to the zoo for my 30th birthday :) We had a lot of fun.”

“My name’s Patrick. I’m eight, and I love legos. Have you ever worked with anybody you didn’t like?” *nods furiously* “I work with a lot of people I don’t like.”

“Who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman?” *makes a face* “Batman, obviously.”

“My name’s Emily, and I love arts and crafts. What’s the last lie you’ve told?” “…I don’t hate children. I promise you, I don’t-”

“Hi Bruce! My name’s Jack, and I’m 7 year olds. How much money do you have, and can I borrow some for the book fair?” *producing his wallet out of habit* “Too much! Is like £100 enough?”

“Hi Bruce! My name’s Kitty, and I’m 8 years old :) What’s your biggest regret in life?” “I have so many regrets. *long pause* My emo phase.” “Oh, really? When was that.” “…two years ago.”

The last one breaks your heart oh god

“Hi Bruce, my name’s Darna, and I’m six. My mum told me about what happened when you were a kid. My friend’s mum just passed away, and I want to ask: What should I do to make her happy again?” Bruce gets really quiet for a moment then gently talks about grief in a kid-friendly manner. He talks about how, sometimes, it’s okay to be sad, but with the help of others, their friend can hopefully process it and move forward. “Encourage them to talk to someone if it they are still having a bad time. Thank you for trying to help your friend, Darna.”

Wayne Health just so happens to offer free grief counseling in their London and Manchester offices that same year.

First We Feast: “HOT ONES”

He suffers, and he suffers BAD

Like yes, he’s pretty good with spices (cuz he’s trained in a lot of places where spicy food is the Norm TM so he had to assimilate pretty quickly)

But he is also exactly the kind of person who would accidentally touch his face

He’s doing pretty well, barely flinching at the halfway point. Sean Evans is pretty impressed when Da Bomb is next, and Bruce barely reacts.

“How are you doing?” “Pretty good, I think? I mean, that one surprised me, but I’m fine.” “You are tearing up a little bit.” “Oh, really?” *rubs eyes without thinking*

The room goes dead quiet.

Bruce: “…[REDACTED].”

THE PAIN

Bruce freaks out and pours ice water over his eyes to flush out the heat.

It does. Not. work!!

The crew frantically tries to help but it’s too late and he’s got ice cold water all down his face and shirt now

Also he can no longer feel his eyes.

In the end, he just quietly suffers through the rest while looking like a drowned cat

Sean, worried: “Are you sure it doesn’t hurt too bad? You took that…surprisingly well.”

Bruce, in excruciating pain, tears running down his face: “I’m fine.”

Anthony Padilla: “I SPENT A DAY WITH THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD”

Down-to-earth is how I’d describe this one

Anthony is just magical

He is great at matching his interviewee’s energy. It’s probably the most proper interview with Bruce Wayne that doesn’t end in disaster.

How does he do it?

Gossip.

“Now, would you say this feud Lex Luthor has started is mutual or one-sided?” “Definitely one-sided.” “Really? Do you have an idea as to why he keeps trying to slander you?” “I don’t know, but I wouldn’t consider him the most honest guy.” “What makes you say that?” “He’s made a lot of empty promises to Metropolis about improving the economy.” “*gasp* What kind of promises?” “It’s been how many years since he promised to donate $10 million to Metropolis public schools?” “Not the children!” “I KNOW!!”

“What are your thoughts on Gotham City’s famous vigilante, Batman, and his particular brand of justice?” “I think that Batman is doing the best he can for Gotham.” “Do you approve or disapprove of any of his practices?” “I don’t like when he was so violent :/“

“So I heard that you’ve become a sort of meme in Gotham.” “Oh no.” “For this segment, we’ll be going through some of the most viral photos of you on the internet. And there are a lot.” “Oh god.” “Why don’t you explain this photo and the context behind it?” *dying inside*

“Which would you say is your favorite charity to work with?” “Well, I have a lot of favorites! There is the Gotham City Disaster Relief Fund, The Real Change Foundation with Mayor Real, Food for Thought which provides free school lunches across the country. The Wayne Foundation is donating to just about everything under the sun. The Children’s Recreation Project gives money to rec centers in underdeveloped neighborhoods-“

Bruce is so relaxed by the end. A complete breath of fresh air

Anthony Padilla, bless him, is really gentle about the topic of Bruce’s parents. They only cover it for like one question, then move on, but the question is, “How has the death of your parents influenced your perspective on the world today?”

Bruce goes into a monologue about how he now has a much more personal perspective on both politics and greed. He’s made it his quest to lower the crime rate in Gotham City through his positive influence on the community: supporting the Justice system, connecting with local communities, closing the wealth gap by personally donating to homeless shelters, soup kitchens, crisis centers, and educational funds. “I used to believe that seeking retribution would take away the grief that I feel. But after the flood two years ago, and Gotham City experienced this sort of collective loss, I realized that what we need is hope for a better tomorrow. And love is always stronger than hatred.”

It’s really sweet :(

Buzzfeed: “PUPPY INTERVIEW”

This was Alfred’s apology for Hot Ones

Bruce is literally vibrating with excitement

“Where’s the puppy?” “They’re coming.” “…There’s more than one?!”

He gets trampled by them

He literally can’t breathe for a minute from how happy he is.

You know when you’re voice goes higher up in pitch the more excited you get? They literally can’t hear him. Only the dogs can.

He talks to them like they understand him, like he uses a baby voice, but it’s a completely normal conversation, but for some reason they always understand him

“Come here. Wanna sit in my lap?” “That one’s actually a bit timid.” *puppy gently tumbles into his lap* “…okay.”

*puppy yapping over Bruce’s answer* “Shhhhh…inside voice, please.” Puppy immediately quiets down to the surprise of the whole staff

What I’m trying to say is Disney Princess Bruce Wayne, OKAY??

He’s just laying on the floor the whole time while they climb all over him

“I’m sorry, what was the question?”

Watching one gnaw on his finger like a chew toy “Oh, you’re so big and strong.”

“I forgot the question. Can you repeat that?”

“And what’s your name?” “I’m gonna call you Princess :D”

They are ripping his sweater to shreds. (It costs more than a car, but does he give a shit? NO.)

Actually trying to answer the question for once: “I think I would maybe go into…” *puppy licks his face* “*tearing up* oh my god”

One of them falls asleep in his HANDS

The older dogs come in later (all courtesy of a nearby shelter) and he is so kind and gentle with them :(