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Thought Dump

Things that would be cool to do

-Start a sketch meet up

-Start going to figure drawing sessions

-Make a small illustrated book or comic

-Make something that helps people

--info graphics or something about introspective journaling 

--sell prints or commissions and donate the money

--volunteer illustrator for a cause

-Actually Learn Blender

Things that i need to stop doing

-over eating

-over thinking

-doubting myself

-neglecting my self care

-being on my phone so much 

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The dream was always the same.

9-21

The dream was always the same. 

I wander through an empty complex of buildings. 

Every sense feels numb and muted.

Eventually I find myself in fields, walking along empty roads.

Never stopping, never afraid, no destination. 

Today I just started with something simple. I didn’t want to dive too deep and get too wordy with it. Its based on my own recurring dreams where I am always traveling or wandering through buildings. I never seem to be going anywhere and never in a hurry. I’v wandered through malls, sky scrapers, islands, subways, country roads, Parisian streets, air ports, and more. I never stop or talk with people or read or worry. I might see strangers but i never recognize them. Sometimes I feel like I’m going home but not to a home I’ve ever been to? Some places are bleak and grey and others are lush vibrant natural environments, other places have been creepy theme parks. 

prompt by @daily-prompts

#dreams #writing #writing practice #creative writing

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Gunter H. Korus - Sunlit. Oil on linen.

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12-3 Day 8

Today has been a continued bustle of productivity and positivity. I didn’t end up doing cardio, I am still pretty sore from my workout yesterday, but I still plan to go tomorrow. Food wise I probably get a solid B, not too bad, still steps forward but I could do better. It was a super busy day. I had class at 9:30 and was working on something or in a meeting till 6:30 pm. I kept up with my tasks, listened to my body, didn’t focus on the bad and really tried to not let obstacles weigh me down. Again I was in the midst of lazy mush by the time Mark stumbled out the door by 10:30 since he had bad sleep and was napping with me on the couch until he had to leave. But, knowing how well my day had started today due to my diligence last night I got up, tidied the house, painted my nails, and started this entry. 

Accomplishments

I have to say I am pretty proud of myself. Tuesdays are usually very busy for me and I almost never tackle everything I should, those things usually get pushed further and further into the week. But today I talked to three different professors about scholarships, my thesis, and looking over midterms to prepare for the final. I wrote out and formatted my final project for yoga. I worked a shift as a lab monitor after my astronomy class, game production class, and game design class. Between those I had a team meeting where I got a decent amount of work done on the design of our game while working on some concept art for it. I avoided going out to eat for dinner and saved some money even though I was super tired and wanted taco bell, stuck to my calorie goal, and was a tolerable human to others, perhaps even pleasant. The only things I didn’t do that were on my list were cardio, which my body said “no” to, and work on some posters, but the due date got moved back so I’ll work on them on a day I’m not so busy. 

Productivity, Self care, and Introspection

At this rate I probably won’t be wopping out some killer before and after photos by 90 days, but honestly I think I’ll be making even more substantial progress in my mental state. My discipline, patience, and overall disposition has been shifting steadily for the better. I know I’ll probably hit more rough patches, but I’m trying to keep this ball rolling as long as possible. I want to maintain these good habits. I’ve been better at brushing my teeth, taking off my make up, and putting away my clothes when I change. I know they are small things, but I have two thoughts about these things:

-Either that neglecting these tasks can cause a snow ball affect of things not feeling right, dirty surroundings and body make you feel funky, and that leaks into other areas of your life, triggering stress, anxiety, and depression.

-or-

-The pattern of these minor self-care tasks being neglected can be an indicator that something larger is weighing on the mind, causing distress and apathy.

I don’t think its a chicken vs the egg situation, but merely something to be aware of when I start to notice certain patterns. That way I can ask myself, why do I not want to do these things? Perhaps it won’t hurt if I do them, and if that helps then great! If not, then now you have a tidy room and clean body in which to solve your larger problems. 

It all seems so simple, but with so many responsibilities it is easy to loose tract of the most foundational of tasks and accidentally have your whole life topple if you overlook them for too long.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be another busy day but not like today with a ton of tasks, instead after class I’ll need to really sit down and concentrate on making some headway on a project I’m working on. So, here are some goals:

workout!

FINISH modeling that 3D model! & turn it in

actually eat your healthy packed lunch/ dinner and don’t cave to cravings

in reward you can get 1 small almond latte for energy while you work through the evening

#90 day challenge #90 day journey

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12-2 Day 7

It has been a week since I’ve started this journey. I’m still taking it step by step. I’ve managed to loose the thanksgiving bloat and am a tiny bit under my starting weight. I started the day with a bit of cardio and weights for 30 minutes and then 30 minutes of yoga. I had another egg quinoa salad and after class I made a tofu noodle, vodka sauce, shrimp, and brussel sprout pasta dish. But on the way back from dropping a friend off at her house, I had to pull over for gas, right by a fast food chain I know my boyfriend loves, but is very far from our house so we never go to it. So I called him to see if he wanted anything, and ended up nibbling an extra 400~ calories off his ice cream and onion rings. BUT! with how little I had eaten prior and the workout I did in the morning I still hit my calorie goal. 

Wins

I woke up early

I worked out

I stayed productive & positive most of the day

I didn’t turn into a potato at night

I usually dissolve into an unproductive mush once Mark leaves for work around 10:30. I fall asleep with the lights on, make up still on, the house a mess, no clothes laid out, teeth not brushed. I’ll get sucked into instagram or youtube and get sad or tired or both and crash. This time I caught myself, did a small painting (pictured above or below), then tided, prepped for tomorrow morning, and am now blogging before I brush my teeth and turn in. Honestly, knowing that if I got up and got productive and then I could blog really helped. 

Tomorrow

is going to be VERY busy

I will avoid unnecessary snacking

I will do cardio!

I won’t go home until everything is done

and in reward I’ll get myself a nice hot lunch of a hot soup and light sandwich! (but no cookie or chips, which I usually end up getting)

Nothing too profound or anything today. Other than I have had a quiet pride that is steadily growing as my consistency continues. 

#art #illustration #painting #nature #90 day challenge #90 day journey

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12-1 Day 6

Thanksgiving week is over and I have come through grateful and only about a pound or two heavier with all the extra food volume. I’d be lying if I said it was easy to no have a tun of food guilt, tolerate the comments on my appearance, and general anxiety of eating around people and having them look at me. Since we live out of town I always have grand notions that by the next time they see me there will be noticeable change, and when there isn’t I beat myself up, and if there is then I feel awful that I was ever bigger in the first place. I have really been working on being more patient and kind with myself, that even if what I did or ate didn’t completely fit “The plan” that it isn’t ruined, I don’t have to start all over. Today is still day 6. So instead of starting, messing up, stopping, being sad, rinse and repeat I will learn and continue from my mistakes. 

So here are some things I’ve learned this week

I like how eggs & quinoa make me feel

HAVING to blog everyday makes me a little stressed, so I’m just going to blog whenever I’ve got stuff to write, which might end up being everyday

I crave sugary things still, but I don’t get joy from them like I used to

Earl Grey gives me the best amount of caffeine to no anxious getters ratio

I do very well with going to bed early and waking up early 11 pm tp 7 am 

Changes I’ll make this week

Try intermittent fasting 1-7pm

actually work out this week 5 days

try a kinda Keto, under 50g carbs

drink less coffee more tea

really focus on self-discipline 

I want to be flexible mentally and physically. I can’t let every little change to a schedule or slip up break me. I always just end up moping on the couch looking out the window in a pool of self loathing and it takes forever to get out of the funk. 

Burn out is another source of self loathing I have been working on. I just can’t seem to produce any art, and every time I try I just get so frustrated. The last time I was this dry the thing that pulled me out was 3D modeling, so I’t try to sit and do a side project tomorrow to get the juices flowing again. 

#90 day challenge #90 day journey #keto #tea #anxienty

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11-26 Day 2

Food

Yesterday was a model obstacle of trying to be both healthy and moderate when it comes to food; maintaining my weight and quality of life. I was very fortunate to be invited by a sweet friend to come over and have a girls day. There was mimosas, eggnog, petite fours, egg’s Benedict, and mini twice baked potatoes! Lots of delicious stuff she put time and money into preparing for an additional friend and I wanted to enjoy the spread she made so I skipped out on breakfast (probably a bad idea in hind sight) and ate what she made.  When I got home a little later on I had a grilled cheese and the other half of the kombucha I had the day before. I probably should have skipped out on the alcoholic sugary beverages, I had a headache and it only made it worse.  I probably didn’t need to nibble on the potatoes so much, but since I’d skipped breakfast and everything smelled so good, it was hard to say no. All in all it was a pretty meh day health wise and I didn’t do any physical activity or meditation. With no hard schedule during the break I struggle to make my own routine, and have been pretty disappointed in myself.

Reflection

 I’ve been doubting if I should have started this at such an indulgent and chaotic time of the year, but I’m trying to accept it as a challenge. I want to take this time to at least write out and analyze what is and isn’t working. Everyday doesn’t have to be a leap forward, as long as it isn’t a leap back. Days like today and yesterday are good for self reflection, asking why I make certain decisions, and how I felt because of them. What can I do in the future to prevent certain situations or make other things better?

Gratefulness

  I can’t help but feel like writing all this out is taking for granted how fortunate I am to have a choice of what I eat, how much, when, or have anything to eat at all. I am so grateful and I really try to not be wasteful too. I think that if I have the opportunities and access to the resources to be healthy, that there is no excuse to not be, at least much less of one. The sooner I feel healthier and more confident in my body, the better I’ll be at dedicating my time at helping others or working on my own projects. At least I hope.

Art, Aesthetics, and the Human body

 I feel guilty about getting hung up about something quite cosmetic, but my job (being a concept artist) revolves around my ability to make things appealing to the eye. I’d like to say I’m pretty good at it too, so when I look in the mirror my brain keeps working. It wants to tweak this or that, just as I would be expected to do on a character to make their proportions right for the kind of character they are supposed to be. There is a person who I think I am, and if I were to draw her, she would not look like me, and that is pretty frustrating sometimes. Its silly and so small, but it bugs me!

 I know other artists go through this too. We try to dance on the tight rope of stereotypes in art. If we are wanting to draw someone strong, the best way to get that idea communicate quickly is by drawing a large man with huge biceps and traps. If we want to draw someone who is sexy, its a tall thin yet curvy woman with long hair. Surface level it seems harmless, its just cartoons right? But words like strong and sexy don’t have a gender automatically assigned to them, nor a race, body proportion ratios, or anything like that. Artists try to mix it up and push boundaries while still playing with easily recognizable tropes. The say about 80% of whatever you are working on should be recognizable, recycled so people will relate to it and the other 20% is original, your own spin. It sounds weird but it works. It’s hard for me not to try and apply these things to myself. 

Ideal vs Insecure

I want to be a small and petite artist. I want my hair to be brighter and thicker, my face more symmetrical. I want to feel both cute and powerful. I just really really don’t like feeling big. It just doesn’t feel right for me, it makes me feel like an alien in my body and when I gained all the weight back a year and a half ago I felt so ashamed for anyone to see me. I honestly think that if some people woke up to find themselves in my body they would commit suicide. I try to remind myself that maybe there are other people who would dream of waking up in a healthy young body, even if there was a bit more weight on it. I am really trying to be so grateful, I know that perfection is never attainable, not even in art. I use way too many commas and type so much in these. I just go down spirals that always end in wanting to feel smaller, then I just end up eating to make myself feel better and I get larger. It is a vicious cycle that I am trying to break. Honestly, it has been broken, I don’t really binge anymore, my weight is stable, and is fluctuating lower. I just have all this weight and normal habits, but to get to a place that I feel comfortable again, I’ll have do be at a deficit, which can be so triggering and just not fun. Most people just say, “Then accept where you are or suck it up”. And I say, :P because I am a silly confused woman with an overactive mind that doesn’t agree with itself. 

#90 day challenge #90 day journey

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another mabel inktober

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11-25 Day 1

It’s day one, and also the first day of my Thanksgiving break, so it was a quiet day. I had a late breakfast around 10:30 of about 1/2 cup rolled outs with 1/2 cup cashew milk microwaved and then with coco powder and a  teaspoon of agave nectar to go along with some black coffee. I like making overnight oats too, but was feeling like something warm this morning, forgot to take a picture though. 

I was just tidying up the house and watching videos this morning, including Dolly Parton’s new show Heartstrings which is so friggin wholesome! So around 2:30 I was ready for a light lunch and made a salad with a frozen quinoa mix, two soft boiled eggs, everything seed seasoning, and some turkey bacon on a 50/50 blend of baby spinach and romaine. 

It has been a while since I’ve made some pretty food to photograph, so that was fun, and very yummy!

I tried working on a personal piece today but just couldn’t iron out the composition, luckily right as my frustration was mounting a good friend called to see if I’d like to go shopping with her. Once I was out of the house and walking around I felt better, we walked around the mall and browsed a couple shops. H&M had a few things I thought were cute, they were either too expensive or just didn’t look right on. I always feel pretty bad after trying on clothes, but I just kept talking with my friend and we got tea (I got a small London fog) and chatted for an hour or so after. 

Once I got home I began working on my boyfriend’s lunch for the next two days while he got ready for work. I also started my dinner which would be some chicken, one more egg over easy from earlier, some almonds, and a vinaigrette I made of red wine vinegar, olive oil, and white pepper. I had half a kombucha with that as a little sweet treat.

It was a pretty nice day, although I didn’t really do any exercise, aside from walking around the mall for an hour. I still need to meditate, and I think I need it, I get a bit hangry and I really need to relax. Also, I’m not sure if this is too in depth of a food log or not, but I guess it doesn’t hurt for now. 

Below I’ll talk about macros, calories, and some nitty gritty stuff, so if thats not your jam, then feel free not to click! Thanks for stopping in! 

So I took before measurements and photos today, and it was kind of disheartening. I tried to make neutral poses and not work any angles, and it shows. I’m not confident to just post those now, but will at the end of this journey with my after photos.

As for the numbers, it did pretty good today! I met my macros and calories :)

Not sure I’ll be so good tomorrow, I have a girls day I had planned a couple weeks ago that will have lots of goodies. So I will try to do a workout before hand and during the hangout really work my moderation muscles! 

#90 day challenge #90 day journey

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11-24

Intro:

Warning: mention of disordered eating, calories, weight, etc

It’s the night before I start this journey, and I can’t help but feel a little withdrawn. I’m a good chunk into 22 and I have probably not gone 2 months in the past 10 years without attempting to go on some kind of diet. I’ve always been a chubby kid or curvy girl, and I can analyze why as much as I want, but the bottom line is that I love food and the security it gives me. I’ve tried Keto, going vegan, tracking calories, tracking macros, intermittent fasting, all manners of just pure restriction, yoga, pilates, ballet, weight lifting, ballroom dance, at home videos, hiking, running, a personal trainer, talking to a therapist, talking to a nutritionist, talking to a psychiatrist, buying meal plans, meal prepping, eating 1 meal a day, eating two meals a day, eating 3 or 6 small ones, apple cider vinegar, green drinks, and K-pop fad diets, so I’m tired.

Most of the time I was convinced it was a life-style change and after I would fall off the wagon I’d rebound with a fad diet. The only time I’ve ever been able to lose a consistent amount of weight and keep it off for about a year was when I restricted my food so much I was obsessed and hungry everyday, and very very lonely. The past two years I’ve been happier, but have gained weight which is a major point of anxiety and insecurity. I’ve tried to get back down to a place in which I’m comfortable in healthy ways, but I just can’t stick to it. School stress, friends, cravings, and adventures always distract me.

So, after reading Cassey’s 90 day journey on Blogilates and seeing her hit her goals. I knew it was time for me to commit. I have the capacity and resources to succeed, and I’m done letting my own laziness, fear, and taste buds be in the way of me and my happiness.

To clarify, because I know it is definitely a valid issue, I’m wanting to go on this journey not because I feel pressure from anyone or thing to loose weight. In my heart and body I know what makes me feel confident, strong, and energetic; and it’s when I’m about 20 pounds lighter. I know many people who might be comfortable at the weight I am, but for my frame, personal aesthetic preferences, and comfort, I will be happier with some changes made. I love myself and my body now; it has gotten me through so much and can hold so much love. However, like most people there are times when I do dislike aspects of myself. Those negative thoughts often are symptoms of a need for change. You can’t just stay in that state of keeping your hand on the stove, either turn off the heat and understand that this is where you want to be, or take your hand off and make decisions to move on. Weird analogy but you get the picture.

So, here’s the deal:

-90 days

-blog everyday (food, thoughts, activities, pictures, etc)

-log everyday (track macros, calories, exercise, and weight in app)

-weigh in on Friday mornings

-1 hour + of activity 6 days a week

-Work on flexibility

-meditate 15 minutes everyday

-chill the fuck out

Below are all my numbers, if that’s not something you want to see, you don’t need to click. So I’ll just say thank you for reading and We got this, no matter what you are working on!

First I want to say that this makes me feel very vulnerable. My weight has been my largest source of insecurity my entire life, and writing my weight out in public feels like I’m giving you my social security number, debit card pen, and a key to my house. So here we go!

Starting Weight: 175

Starting Body Fat %: 32%

29% - 36% (skin fold and electric shock thing) so avg. 32%

-

Goal Weight: 155

Goal Body Fat %: 25%

Gross Calories: ~1350

Planned Activity: ~ 200

NET Calories: ~1,150

Macros: 30% fat, 30% protein, 40% carbs

-obviously these are stretch goals in the amount of time I have, but based on “math” I can do it.

MATH

Here is my base caloric burning rate based on my frame, age, and sex, plus aprox. need for my activity level.

BMR: 1600

Aprox Caloric need: 2100

To be honest, I am a small person with a lot of fat, and these calculators are a little wonky, so I know I am A OK eating 1350 as long as its a lot of whole foods with lots of fiber and nutrition.

so 2000 - 1150 =850

Let’s have a conservative estimate of caloric deficit at 800 calories per day. So 800 x 90 = 72,000, divide that by 3,500 and you get 20.5

I am 100% okay if I don’t meet these goals, but like Cassey said in her blog, its a lot about having a goal to work to, a way to stay accountable and quantify your hard work. The trick is not letting changes and fluctuations have an emotional hold on you, I succeed in many ways and I don’t need the scale to feel I have value.

Another note is that having this journey be public, or at least between me, tumblr, and my boyfriend (who is eager to read my daily blogs already and who I’ve convinced to go on his own journey) I am trying to stay positive, to stay light, and avoid brooding and negativity. I want to be reflective and patient. I want this to be a safe and positive experience and get back a part of myself I miss a lot. There is a level of resentment that I have and general funk from not looking and feeling like myself, and once I’m there I feel more bouncy and positive. I want to work on some of my jadedness and really try to not be such a cynic sometimes, and really chill the fuck out.

So here we go, and thanks for tagging along if you do!

#90 day challenge #90 day journey