loveclubxxx

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

My meds are helping me a lot. Much less worry. Much less self hate. Boyfriend is in bad place. I care for him. I want to take his pain away more than anything else right now, but I cannot. I feel helpless.

#depression #anxiety #bpd #bpd blog #bpd feels #living with bpd #bpd emotions #bpd vent #bpd thoughts #bpd life #mental health #emotions #bpd fp #fp #blog

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

I stalk my boyfriend. Not sure if it’s because I don’t trust him or I’m that insecure.

#bpd vent #bpd thoughts #bpd blog #bpd emotions #bpd splitting #bpd #boyfriend #bpd fp #sad #insecure #stalk #love #relationships #fp

[loveclubxxx]

Poetry//

I try to stay poetic so I can believe that all this misery is worth something

Worth more than that excruciating heartache that makes my chest pound

Worth more than the terrible things I tell myself that makes my mind scream

I have to believe that this suffering is worth something more so that I can continue to enjoy the agony

#poem #poetry #pain #bpd #bpd blog #bpd feels #bpd problems #bpd fp #fp #feelings #emotion #sad #depression #anxiety #tw suicide

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

I’m in love with someone who is in love with someone else. That’s always been my biggest fear and I need to accept it as my current reality.

#bpd #bpd feels #living with bpd #bpd problems #bpd emotions #bpd splitting #bpd fp #fp #feelings #emotions #sad #depressed #anxiety #relationships

[loveclubxxx]

Kiss me in public. Put your arm around me so people know I’m with you. Call me babe in front of our waiter. Pull me in because I’m just not quite close enough to you. Make me watch that one tv show that’s your guilty pleasure. Tell me your biggest fear and I’ll promise to protect you. Kiss me at red lights because if you don’t then I’ll kiss you. Show me the one song you can never listen to without crying. Don’t hide the tiny details about you. Because I’ll remember every one of them.

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

Today I had a lot of firsts. I had my first big breakdown at work. I literally broke down sobbing and somebody in the back room had to literally console me all because I told a client no. I told boyfriend that I don’t think he wants to be in a relationship. Boyfriend comforted me and tried to reassure me that’s not true. Maybe he’s realizing what he’s been doing to me. I’m still not convinced. My therapist suggested I should be on medication. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I’m still not able to sleep. My chest is still pounding and I can barely breathe. Is this what the end feels like? Because it sure as hell feels like it. I can’t stop myself from destroying myself.

#first #bpd vent #living with bpd #bpd blog #blog #bpd emotions #bpd feels #bpd thoughts #bpd mood #bpd problems #bpd fp #fp #depressed #anxiety #work #therapy #boyfriend #relationship

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

So depressed I’m going to rewatch every season of Grey’s Anatomy. Grey’s saved my life in 2014, let’s see if lightening can strike twice.

#bpd blog #bpd #life #depression #sad #greys anatomy #lol #fuck it all

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

I can’t even put together coherent, meaningful throughts anymore. Little things that used to bring me peace no longer do. Boyfriend and I are falling apart. I keep having breakdowns at work which should be a professional environment. I’m starving myself. My family brings me more anxiety than love. I have no friends. I’m farest away from happiness and peace than I’ve ever been. I’m in my head replaying how bad things are until I the pounding in my chest is so intense that I start tearing apart my skin.

#living with bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd mood #bpd emotions #bpd splitting #bpd #bpd vent #depression #sadness #anxiety #alone #life falling apart #sad #cutting #emotions #feelings #bpd blog #blog #bpd feels

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

I’m really frustrated because I feel like that I’ve been really trying. Really really trying to get better (whatever that even means) but I just end up feeling worse. I’m on edge of a breakdown that’s going probably have implications for my job, family, relationship, and probs other shit I don’t even realize. I’m watching myself fall apart. I’ve been trying to hold myself together for too long without any support. I’m not sure how much strength or will power I have to stop the madness.

#living with bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd mood #bpd emotions #bpd #bpd blog #depression #anxiety #trying #life #hopeless #helpless #sad #alone #lost #frustrated #angry

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

Still bad, bad, bad.

#bpd feels #bpd problems #bpd emotions #bpd blog #sad #despression #anxiety #life #bpd

[loveclubxxx]

Thought//

I’ve been absent for a while because I’m at a loss for what is going on in my life. I’m angry. I’m depressed. I’m hopeless. The small things I used to be able to do that would bring me a sense of calming no longer work. I’m at loss for how to move forward. Getting better seems impossible. I hate myself for what I’m doing to the people around me. I hate myself period. If I can’t even like myself, how could I ever convince another person to like me? I will never feel worthy of anyone. This is probably the worst place I’ve been in my life. When I there there is nowhere lower to go, I hit a new rock bottom. I’m scared of what’s going to happen next because I know, if anything, things are going to find a way to get a lot worse. I’m honestly not sure how much more I can endure. I’m sorry.

#bpd blog #hopeless #depressed #anxious #sad #angry #evil #dead #im dead #kill me #please kill me #im begging you please kill me

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

Big thing I kinda realized today is I have to actually learn to like myself and learn to be ok with being alone. Previously I had been so fixated on becoming somebody who I would like rather than accepting and liking the person I already am.

#bpd #bpd blog #bpd vent #bpd mood #growth #acceptance #realization #life #depression #anxiety

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

Unfortunately I’m moving back to the leave boyfriend alone phase. We had a good conversation about communication again and then when I started opening up and being honest, he shut back down. I know he’s going through his own shit and I need to keep it separate. But it’s impacting me a lot. I feel selfish but I want him to care how bad it’s effecting me. I care about him so much and I want to be there for him throigh this but he won’t let me. I get it. I’m so fearful of losing him that my mind won’t let me focus on anything else.

#bpd #bpd blog #depression #bpd fp #boyfriend #relationship #love #sad #emotions #intense #bpd feels #bpd things #bpd thoughts

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

I woke up today feeling extra anxious. Boyfriend and I are planing some trips for the summer. I’m worried and he doesn’t want to do these things with me. I’m worried he wants to break up with me. I keep having meltdowns and all I’ve learned in my life this is usually when I get broken up with. People don’t like sad, unstable people. I’ve been convinced Boyfriend is going to break up with me for the past month. I need to get out of this mindset. He is with me for a reason. It will happen if I keep trying to manifest it.

#bpd #bpd blog #bpd mood #bpd fp #bpd things #depression #anxiety #relationship #boyfriend #love #break up #fear #worry #stress

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

My heart is racing. My eyes are swelling with tears. All I feel is tightness in my chest. It’s sad my life has gotten here. I am alone.

#bpd #bpd mood #living with bpd #sad #depression #alone

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

I feel like I keep deteriorating. My emotions are becoming more difficult to control. My moods are more unstable. I can’t find any happiness. Every time I hit a new low, I’m shocked that there was even a lower place to go.

#bpd #bpd mood #living with bpd #bpd blog #sad #low #depression #life

[loveclubxxx]

Thoughts//

Boyfriend and I had a really good convo. I told him how I had been feeling in regards to our communication and he didn’t break up with me!! Convos like these are hard tho because I always leave them feeling a lot better but I’m not sure what changed.

#bpd vent #bpd #bpd blog #emotions #bpd fp #fp #life #boyfriend #conversations #love