mallow-burst

[mallow-burst]

you water our love with hope, kindness, passion let it bloom let the flowers face the sun in the warmest of days grow in the harshest of rains persevere in the coldest winters our love will be the single flower in the snow

for our love knows no boundaries

#moo #spilled ink #love #lovers

[mallow-burst]

Sometimes I'm just a mess.

[mallow-burst]

Sometimes it just feels like I need to disappear

[mallow-burst]

I'm breaking

I don't know why.

It's this irrational feeling

Called anxiety

But i can't pin point what it is in worried about.

Maybe it's just uncertainty?

I don't know.

[mallow-burst]

I can feel my heart pounding

Depression anxiety, my sister called it

Labored breathing

The asphyxiation of the world crumbling in on me

You are everything I have ever hoped for

But I have gravely wronged you

There is no excuse, no buts and no twisted perspective

I have hurt you

And as much as I want to self destruct

To cease to exist

To be absent in the universe where you are not with me

I must stay

For I can not add my death to your list of traumas

I have already cause enough damage

You don't deserve to wander this earth with that burden.

If anything, I deserve to be in pain

To suffer

To wake up and reach out to the empty space next to me

Return to a home that you had once brought life into

And realize, everything here is you.

I can say I bought the house

But

Every color of the wall

Door knob, floor, sofa, bed, every fixture was your decision.

Every memory

Ordering the curtains online

Than returning them the next day, realizing this wasn't really what we were going for.

Going from one hardware to the other, collecting color palettes and samples

Just to get the perfect white for the house

The perfect shade of brown for a relaxing bedroom to sleep in.

You are the builder of this home.

You are the warmth that gave me comfort.

Through ups of getting a job, our firsts together, first out of state trip, first time at Wee Thai Food, first concert together, first meal you made for me, first piece of furniture, first investment.

Through the downs of our first fight together, first loss, first cold war, first cool down, first cry and many more.

Each time, I try to comfort you. Say it will be okay, I love you.

#moomoo #moo #love #spilledink #broken

[mallow-burst]

You know, you work in mysterious ways big bro. Thank you for helping me.

[mallow-burst]

Let yourself be subject to your own scrutiny, life will not always flow toward the direction of your liking. But keeps on going. And every drop that pushes through is subject to your own outlook.

Be patient and trust the process.

[mallow-burst]

Moods are contagious, be the positivity that the world needs.

[mallow-burst]

Okay.

Just okay

Sometimes I've viewed the absence of happiness as sadness

But in truth, you don't always have to feel the high of luster and joy to not be sad

Acknowledge the sound state of being okay

Don't let your pursuit of happiness to blind you to concluding your are currently sad.

Life has so much to offer and giving everyday.

Each day, waking up to a sun that is rising and a loving partner is a gift

The ability to walk, talk, hear, smell and feel is a gift.

Every step we take, heart beating, lungs filling with air, food to fuel our daily lives, any kind of shelter we have is a gift.

Don't wait to have nothing to realize you've had everything.

Make the most of everyday. Taking life for granted is the biggest mistake anyone can make. For as long as we live, there is hope.

[mallow-burst]

Unsent

So many words just typed but never sent

Thought of but never said.

Each time I reach out to the constellations

Seeking an answer

Your emotions keep me grounded

The political correctness of society

Has silenced my once free spirit

The rainbow vomit that painted my fantasy

A world filled with music

Mysteries to be solved

Adventure at every turn

Feelings that were shouted to the world

But I can't do that anymore

The world is harsh now

Be sensitive, gentle and kind

Sensor your mouth

For the people arnt ready for a rogue statement

Yet, people are also bolder

The internet, a space for the same kind of fish to swim

Acceptable, unacceptable

How can the free world be filled with outcasts?

How can the inclusivity be so exclusive?

How can i be care free and accepted?

Sometimes, I just want the world to stop

So I can scream and shout my heart's contents

Feel all the air come out of my lungs in out big fat fuck you

[mallow-burst]

I now understand the dangers of being career oriented early on in life. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have had that drive to get me where I am today. However, somewhere along the steps of this path, the essence of adulthood kicked in and all the other factors to take account of beyond career. Then what? How can one fill the mediocre day to day life?

The danger is that when you get to the point of satisfaction, the taste of success lasts for about one year. Then everything else is just normal.

I am thankful everyday of what I have but still seek what are missing.

Don't lose yourself in the hunger as if you do, you'll find yourself full to the brim with no other option but to throw up.

[mallow-burst]

Some nights I just can't seem to silence my mind. Thoughts come pacing like humans crossing down town during rush hour traffic in the middle of the of chaos. Lights flashing around, every single one armed with plans on what to do next. Where to be, what to do. It's chaotic and I tend to lose myself in it.

[mallow-burst]

Laughter, fun, a friend I could depend on

Fate at times can be sinister

When what we think should be

Disagrees with what has passed

They say live life to the fullest

But how can one live

When the heart has stopped beating

Lungs stopped filling

All chances lost

Wishing there was more time

To be there more

Reconnect

Say hello

Ask how you're doing

Remorse never comes first

It comes when it's too damn late

In your death, I am reminded to be like you

Always looking at the bright side

Taking drag and few beers

Swallowing the bitterness down my throat

And grinning at what could be

Hope you find peace in the journey after life bro.

To: Kuya AJ

From: Mervyns

[mallow-burst]

I need to go to spoken word event and hopefully that will spark the dead ashes within me to write.

[mallow-burst]

Emly Questions

Sometimes I question. Is it normal to get tired of life? Is this the, the life I built, worth living? I would do anything 5 years ago to get where I am now as soon as I can. But where am I? I used to believe that since life is what we make it out to be then it must be worth living, however as I tread along my path I can't beg but question what makes me happy outside of love? Am I asking too much of life? Is contentment just that hard to find? If I am not contented then what do I yearn for? On a personal level, what am I seeking out?

I've found a wonderful love with a soul I fear breaking. I've become a pharmacist at a top hospital with more than enough to live comfortably. I've been living with my complete family, something I've never had since 2006... But why? What is it that I need? Why do I feel so, empty?

[mallow-burst]

The rustling of the city

Cold air surrounding my body

The warmth of yours that I surrender to

The struggles of everyday life

In truth when I let go of the ego

The ambition

I'm just another person trying to get by

After all we're all just human

Seeking happiness and peace

[mallow-burst]

I guess I don't want to face life with depression but denying my issues.