manikrege

[manikrege]

It's early evening on a Friday and I call you.

It's early evening on a Friday, you've wrapped up work, and I call you out of nowhere. I tell you to pack a bag for the weekend, take your car keys and meet me downstairs in half an hour.

We drive out, talking about how the work went this week. Soon, we're like a line of red paint flowing out of the canvas of this city, the hazy orange of the sky mixing with the bright blue & yellow lights of the street beneath.

Within an hour, it's already getting dark on the highway, and we're seeing fewer and fewer buildings with every mile we pass.

Concrete skyscrapers turn into dingy structures, made like children's clay castles, and the catterpillar of lights at a distance across the lake bridge glows dimmer and dimmer still.

We stop at a food court before midnight. I step out of the car to take in a deep breath of the clean highway air. It tastes like a spray of wild grass mixed with mild fragrant water. There is a hint of fresh cow dung, too, but I don't mind.

I feed you hot pav bhaji with my hands and you feed me my dosa with yours. You're smiling at the baby across our table, and I'm smiling at your smile.

We continue for another hour till we reach the resort I booked for us, an arching wide structure which glows like a pot of honey in the dark of the night. The clean reception is chiming with sounds of crickets and grasshoppers.

We take our bags upstairs and melt into the soft white fabric of the bed. You don't notice it but I'm trying to touch your hand, wanting to be guided by its meandering as you glide it around the sheets, fading into sleep.

I'm awake before you, like always, and nudge you for the buffet breakfast, my favourite part about staying anywhere.

We spend the day just walking around the place, talking about everything that brings us joy. I'm horrible at clicking your pictures and you know it, but we click a million anyway.

I'm uncomfortable admitting this but I'm starting to like us. I'm starting to like how I find happiness in our simplicity. In simply pending time with you not conquering the world, learning new things, or creating anything spectacular or valuable.

I'm uncomfortable of how I'm finding meaning in a person's company in and by itself without a product, expectation or outcome attached to the time we give to each other.

I'm scared that all my life I've wanted everything to be grand and fast but you make connecting with someone feel as important.

You don't even realise that it's already late night but I surprise you with a candle light dinner at the corner of the quiet restaurant, right next to the open forest and hills.

You trace the borders of the haunted ranges glowing against the emerald sky, hiding small bamboo and stone homes on their fingertips. There is a temple at the distance. Your photos are blurry and full of flash but so is my state of mind.

The next day we drive back after a late breakfast, stopping at the famous vineyard en route to click more photos and grab a bite.

It's raining as we enter the city and the traffic is uneasily clogging up, so we stop for tea and some respite.

You drop me home and ask me to text you for night once I freshen up.

It's back to work tomorrow and there's so much lined up but I haven't thought about it for one moment all this while. Did you?

As I unpack, my mind is engrossed in mental checklists, plans and strategies to get through.

But there is a feverish trickle of mixed emotions in the caves of my heart, the feeling you get when you say goodbye to your special or favourite person after spending a good day with them and then they have to go back home.

You kinda want them to stay but you're also exhausted of them ... in a good way.

I wanted you to know that you've become a meditation for me. A little but mindful pause in my noisy world. A world away from everything. A highway that's mine to explore. A road that takes me away and drops me right back at home.

And I'll find you again.

[manikrege]

You're not born in the wrong era of love. You just don't know what you want.

For those of you who've never been in relationships, you've ever been curious about what heartbreak feels like?

Part of me wanted to know what it feels like - and yes it IS an awfully empty, numb feeling, just mild enough to burn you from the inside.

Heartbreak is a lot like the metallic taste you get in your mouth after hours of digesting a bad meal, with your entire tract crackling like a campfire.

The realization that, over time, after you're done crying & grieving, you can feel nothing about everything that happened, is absolutely terrifying when it hits you.

It hit me two weeks after but oddly enough, we never "broke up." After less than two months, they just called me one night to confess that they don't feel as strongly about me as they would've ideally liked to, so it would be healthier for me if I don't get attached & instead start looking for options.

They said they couldn't apologize for not falling in love which, at first, hurt me because I told them it was very convenient and it also made no sense because I never expected them to in such a short time.

My friends told me this self-sabotage is common - all of us go through phases, when no matter how much we get, we don't have the capacity of receiving it, and while it doesn't justify cruelty, falling out of love is not really anyone's fault.

Later when I thought about it, it taught me something strikingly painful but crucial - we really can't "make" people fall in love or out of it. We could make them feel nice about us temporarily by being nice, but "falling in love" ... I don't think so because I know for sure that I didn't do anything stupid to deserve what I got.

Next week, they were gone like they never existed. Blocked, ghosted, left on read everywhere. With no explanation, no context, no conversation about it.

And I told myself I'd obviously get over it over time like I used to tell all my friends who had gone through it, but it made me reflect on an important question - "What do I actually want from someone else?"

So what do we want?

What do we all want from love? See, everyone in my generation is looking for someone special but very few of us actually find it, which doesn't fit right for me.

We say it is this way, because unlike our parents who compromised & sacrificed a lot, even choosing to stick together in unhappy marriages, we have more clarity over what we like & want and so we walk away from anything that doesn't match the standard of value we know we deserve.

On the other hand, we say we're born in the wrong era of love because we crave qualities like old-school effort, loyalty, honesty and communication, all of which seem to be rather lacking in people our age.

We want all the listening but get uncomfortable in the silence. We seek a forever & infinity but absolutely cannot do with boredom.

We expect communication but get uneasy in confrontations, especially when what the other person is saying doesn't match our thoughts & plans.

We need partners who support our careers & ambitions but forget that it would need long & honest conversations about where both of us can meet in the middle.

We seek the thrill of growing old together but flinch at the slightest change of personality, refusing to accept the reality that if you're going to spend your life with someone, you're going to have to live with eight different people over time.

We crave the warm comfort of love but prefer to avoid the whole inconvenience it brings.

So is it still worth it?

So that just means we don't actually know what we want. Or rather we want many different things. Which is absolutely OK. Because we're still in our 20s & we're confused as hell.

But diving it into anyway is what teaches us what we truly want and what we're willing to tolerate in a relationship.

I have loved people who I knew would eventually fly out or go away.

I have still loved them with absolute sincerity & honesty, with the fragility of a new mother, the fierceness of a father, the bond of a sibling, and the freedom of a friendship.

And I didn't understand it until now but that has been my satisfaction in itself. Because I refuse to believe that loving must always be two-sided to be counted as true love.

I have loved ... because I can finally admit to myself that like it. I like it as much as I like my career, my ambitions & the goals for myself.

I have loved fully knowing in advance that I will stumble my way & they will stumble in theirs. That I will make mistakes & they will, too.

Fully knowing that no matter how much we try to foolproof ourselves from the beginning, sometimes it will break and neither of us will understand why we're saying this or acting that way.

Because all the best relationships I've seen with my peers have never been about being on the same page all the time. They've been about acceptance that two people will always be two people, who will have differences in what they can give & receive.

The question becomes, "Are they worth it?"

Loving is an exercise in constantly asking yourself if you like & respect the person enough to be able to draw the line between calling out abuse, gaslighting or misuse, then walking away as warranted, and just letting the person be in their space even if they don't align with you at that point of time.

This is as boring & complicated as it sounds. Which is why if you're really looking, you should grossly reduce expectations, cut down the checklists, and open yourself up to the possibilities of what you may like.

The whole idea about "What I want is this, and so I will seek it only" almost always leads to frustration & pain, leaving perfectly compatible people out of the mix.

If you look at love as a journey towards one destination, you're going to be sorely disappointed when at the end of your life, you realize you haven't reached it because you could never decide on what that looks like.

If you're going to run away from the possibility of people leaving or hurting you, you'll soon realize that you're not afraid of getting hurt; you're just uncomfortable knowing that you might never actually get fully over it & carry the pieces for the rest of your life.

Let me tell you people will find you beautiful in pieces too. You will find them beautiful, too. And regardless of what happens in the end, you'll enjoy it, and cherish it in the future too.

That's because the value of your relationships is not defined by their outcomes. Because many of the friends I'm no longer in touch with, are still attached to my best & happiest memories. And also I'd be lying if I said that my ex didn't bring me happiness & positive change.

They helped me see who my true friends were, made me explore a new part of the city I would've never visited otherwise, and above all, they taught me new things about myself.

I do hate them for how they ran away but I wouldn't cancel or bury the time we spent. Loving someone is an act of courage. It is an experience and outcome in itself.

And if you're wise enough to find it, don't let the person involved define how it's supposed to be or not supposed to be. Because you then shut yourself off from meanings that would make sense to you at different points in time.

Loving is learning, and hence it is continuous, different for everyone & never-ending. But I am learning that every bit of it is worth the infinite time & distance.

[manikrege]

If you turn 30 in 5 years or less, I need you to understand something.

My best friend, who's 26 and a self-started small business entrepreneur now, told me her deepest wish & biggest dream was being on the Forbes 30 under 30 List.

Like a best friend, I hyped her up & told her it was inevitable - she'd definitely get there.

But then we marinated on the truth that she only has a few years left (now even less) to make it happen ... It looked too difficult.

In response, I assured her there's enough time because I didn't know what else to say. I didn't have the words that I should've used at that time, until today when I came across a stupid LinkedIn post which brought back the memory.

The post was from your stock footage old HR recruiter complaining about Gen-Z's tendency to prioritise all the wrong things. Yes, cue the eye rolls already.

She talked about how buying an iPhone for 1L is okay for us but using that as capital to start our own business feels too risky.

How we always complain about salads being expensive but going on a dinner date is okay.

How enrolling for a 3L course to upskill feels too costly but we're cool with spending that amount on traveling/vacations.

I usually just scroll past by, because I can't take LinkedIn less seriously nowadays - it's become Facebook at this point - but in this case I wrote back in the comments.

See, I did go on a fancy dinner date last month! *wink wink*

Omg this was my first one EVER. I'm turning 25 soon and I've never done something like it because I was always studious in school & then prioritised my career right from day uno of my first job, so I always told my friends that I find getting into a relationship something bored people do - I said dating is for kids & I'll look out for someone once I'm well settled.

But I was lying to myself. Of course I wanted to know & be with someone - emotionally & physically, too. Of course my body understands attractions & has certain needs, and my mind craves companionship from time to time.

So I did follow through with my Bumble match & we had sat down at a fancy café named Poetry in Powai - and we talked for 3 goddamn hours nonstop. I've become very health conscious but that day, the person's presence loosened me up & I had fried junk food & TOTALLY LOVED IT.

In passing, they said the most beautiful thing anyone has ever told me - they said they could watch time passing by as the Sun set outside the window but they let it go because they were so lost in me (and so was I in them).

Someday I'll talk about my first kiss because writers gotta milk out every opportunity bwahaha but the point is that this goes against everything the God-fearing, traditional mindsetted, 20-year-old Manik believed in. If he saw the future, he'd curse me for wasting my time on irrelevant useless stuff and ask me to focus on myself.

Secondly, I've been taking myself out on solo dates on the weekends (still do now, and my partner totally understands). I fell in love with this gorgeous mall called Phoenix Palladium & I spent 3 hours walking every square meter it covers last weekend after office. In April, I'm saving up to go on a Goa trip with friends. But the agenda is the same - I no longer hustle on the weekends. I'll either sleep and do my gym sessions in between, or I'll get myself out of my room. I have fun.

Thirdly, I did buy a fancy phone too because it had a good camera. I'm very camera conscious but one of my new year resolutions was to push myself out of that awkwardness & click a selfie every day - I've maintained that streak so far.

I'm saying all of this because it feels great.

It's what I'm supposed to do when I'm 24. I'm supposed to fall in love, go on dates, be intimate & get my heart broken just to see how the hurt feels like (although dear partner if you're reading this, don't break up so soon please!).

I'm supposed to start loving & respecting my own body & realising that while being healthy & working on fitness is definitely so important, the composition of my body doesn't define how beautiful I am so it's totally ok if I give into my craving and have that pizza today.

I'm supposed to be doing goofy things. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE WASTING THIS TIME OF MY LIFE PRECISELY BECAUSE I CAN AFFORD IT. Silly shit. I'm supposed to be failing & making silly mistakes so I can learn from them & pass the lessons to the next generation.

Why. The. Fuck. Should I feel guilty about having fun & doing things that made me happy? Why should I always take life so seriously? Where has that gotten me so far?

I lost my childhood because I was always focused on growing up. My parents first, my teachers next & my friends afterward - everyone has had these unsaid expectations from me that I'll become successful in life. And I'm grateful that they believe in me. But I was talking to one of my interns & was telling her I had a wild Friday. She said that she couldn't imagine me partying & dancing because Im always so focused & serious at work.

And she wasn't exactly complimenting me. It hurt that people can't imagine Manik Rege being a party person. And I don't like that.

All my hard work has always been steamrolled with obstacles politics & failures. Life has always pushed me down on the floor & laughed as I mustered the strength to stand up again, and start from scratch. I have rebuilt myself a thousand times but now I'm done with the hustle.

I'm not giving up on my dreams & ambitions.

I'm just throwing away the sand glass that emptied itself at the mark of turning 30 years old.

Because I didn't confess this to my best friend back then but being in Forbes was my biggest dream too and not reaching there in time to qualify was my darkest fear.

I personally know people who've been featured in the Forbes list. I'm happy for them. But I felt so jealous because that was my idea of being successful too.

My idea of success, as fed to me by others, was having a well paying job and a wife and a kid and a house by 30. My idea of success was fame and money and stability and career growth.

So every time someone asked me to do something that didn't directly contribute to those holy goals, I used to back out. I didn't realise how much I was missing out on. Because I thought it was all pointless.

Almost every fourth Reel I see on IG is about some entrepreneur repeating my uncle's wisdom about how I shouldn't waste this time of my life in anything else apart from building my career.

And i respect that but I've also secretly just wanted to be a goddamn teenager for once. And do teenagey stuff.

Why did I always feel guilty about it? Why did I regret having junk food once in a while. Or trying to find someone good on dating apps. Or just not working & exploring the city. Because it didn't make me successful?

Ok you know what I'm going to list down shit that I think makes me very successful. These are my achievements in the past few years:

1. I battled a severe health crisis & basically came back from the dead. I was 108kgs, now 84kgs and the transformation gave me so much confidence. I now love the gym, look forward to trekking in the monsoon, and feel good about my own body.

2. I made peace with my parents. They're lovely & have always loved me but like any parents, they're flawed & sometimes irritating too. But we talked about our differences in opinions & perspectives & agreed to co-exist. We worked on our past trauma - stuff we never had the courage to discuss because I felt it would make me look like an ungrateful kid. But we apologised for what we know was wrong & we're slowly healing.

3. I had sex.

4. I made a few new best friends who have become the strongest support system I've ever had. We have so many beautiful mature conversations & always hype each other up so much that it looks cringey & overdramatic but we love each other painfully to shreds.

5. I lost my well-paying job abroad because of COVID & had an year long gap but I fearlessly fought my way back into the industry. I'm 3 years behind if I consider my original timeline that I used to believe in when I was 20. I don't even earn half of what my friends do. But I now have a job & am figuring out my career all over again despite have faced such a deadly blowback years back.

There are so many others but my point is that I never stopped to congratulate myself on these achievements. AND THEY ARE ACHIEVEMENTS.

Finding so much body confidence & having the courage to fall in love with yourself is an achievement. Because I know so many people who struggle with it.

Healing difficult relationships is an achievement. And being able to talk about such mature themes so openly is achievement.

Experiencing real intimacy is an achievement.

Failing in your career but not giving up is an achievement. Regardless of whether your attempts are showing results or regardless of how slow the progress is. Changing professions and following your passion or simply surviving in a job until you have a better one. It all takes balls.

Gathering the strength to make your bed in the morning when you're so sore & hurt. Or just keeping the pillows correctly. Or making yourself breakfast or cleaning your room. Or just bloody smiling when everything is going wrong in your life. Or facing your anxiety by placing your own order at Subway in person.

These look trivial but I promise you, they're very difficult for a lot of people. And for once, I just wanted to tell YOU specifically that I'm so proud of you. You're doing amazing sweety.

HAVING THE COURAGE TO LIVE & BREATHE & EXIST IS AN ACHIEVEMENT.

I want my friend to know that she'll always be the most awesome entrepreneur I know. Because she's the first friend of mine who had the balls to step out on her own.

While I hope she does get into the Forbes list, it's nowhere in my list of priorities or expectations for her or myself now.

Because I know her. I've seen her struggle. And the fact that she carried on is reason enough to say she's awesome.

I also want her to know that she was the first one to take me clubbing. And I don't want all this hustle to take that special part away from her. She's a party person. Now so am I.

And I wish for both of us to continue finding happiness in that totally unproductive space.

I want us to be happy about doing something without calculating how better it makes our lives in the future.

If watching Netflix, for example, is your sin, please do enjoy it. Reading books isn't the only way to learn. Nor should learning every day be a norm. YES, it's okay to not grow & just experience normal fun stuff.

Pursue your ambitions with all your grit but do not let anyone guilt trip, gaslight or shame you into thinking that you must constantly be at it every single day.

I have been through multiple burnouts. I have seen others burn out too. It's not pretty trust me. It's not at all worth it.

Sure your job is your survival but please treat it only as that. It is what you do to afford the life you like or want to build. It is not the definition of your worth & talent because baby that is infinite.

So you know what, screw this, I no longer care about competing. I want everyone to be successful & I'll be successful in my own way. And we'll celebrate each other.

I am done with this bullshit tutorial tution class mentality where they used to separate us into the class of smart kids & the less smart kids. I was in the smart ones but now I realise how toxic that distinction was. And those adults do it because they love watching us fight with each other. They've always made us all compete against time because they don't understand the repercussions of running too fast.

I am now realising how powerful I become when I stop trying to win myself & reach out to help others from the bottom of my heart. Let me lift you up, and I'll tell you when I need you too. Let's support each other. Let's communicate our needs & figure out how we can work together rather than fighting to one-up each other.

And let's work together on the Forbes list. If we make it, great. If one of us does, great. If we don't, great because then we can accept it means absolutely nothing.

If you're going to turn 30 in 5 years or less, understand that 30 is not the cutoff.

You are on time. You have a shitload of time left.

You are on track.

And you deserve to have fun.

30 is actually when you start growing. 30 is when you set the foundation. And so is 60 - there is no such thing as being late.

30 is only the beginning. Are you excited for it?

[manikrege]

People around me always leave and I'm learning to make peace with it.

You know my biggest fear?

It's not people leaving.

It's that part of me somehow knows.

Part of me knew it the last time I chatted with my best friend who told me "we'd never drift apart because we'll always figure it out."

She moved to another country after that, we promised to keep in touch, but she gave signals indicating she wanted to have a completely fresh start after being held up all her life in the shithole we grew up in. There was no explanation, no closure, neither of us ever reached out. And every now & then, I think of her but I know our roles in each other's lives ended long ago.

I had an instinct that my "farewell" was an actual farewell, like the foreboding you get when you see the veins in the petal of a flower growing greener in wake of its wilting. But when that hunch turned true, I felt betrayed & awkward ... initially. I've seen people do this. I've done it myself to someone else but we got back together after a few years and now I kinda know how they must've felt.

Sometimes humans walk away not because they hate you or love you less.

It might also be because we just focus so much on our own journeys, especially when moving cities, forgetting that we're not mutually exclusive cars traveling on roads but rather droplets of water up in the clouds, with the fingers of our molecules woven tightly more & more with every second we spend knowing each other.

So when we choose different directions out of nowhere, we stretch out other droplets that have become part of our stories, into painful positions. And sometimes, the cloud breaks into tears.

Understand this harsh reality - you cannot avoid displacing others when you're growing. And others cannot avoid hurting you when they grow (they may not even intend it).

Growth is painful for everyone involved.

You cannot just "leave" people, even if it is for good mental health reasons or because you've outgrown them (which is totally acceptable). Thing is, you are people. And people are you.

Every song I have on my playlist is connected to the place I first heard it (I don't know how I can remember them all but I do). And many times those places have been faces of people breaking into grins as they realise I'm liking the tastes they're introducing me to.

What am I supposed to do after these folks have left? Disassociate? Detach? Forget, forgive, move on? I wish it was that easy.

I listened as a special someone tell me recently over call that they don't like me the way they thought they would and I should look elsewhere. Like it's a job and I'm being fired. What is one exactly supposed to do when one hears that?

The worst part is, I knew it this time, too. As I stood in the lift with them weeks ago, giving them a farewell hug before they flew off for the holidays, my heart told me it would be the last time I get to be with them.

I wish I acted on it. I wish I hugged them a little longer and tighter. I wish I made them make some sort of a promise.

But you can't "make" people like you or stay around if they don't want to. And until recently, I used to feel so helpless, anxious and emotionally naked whenever it hit me that I cannot predict the time horizons of most of my relationships.

What these experiences have taught me is that building a relationship, romantic or platonic or professional, has very little to do with love or intensity. Because I know for sure that I loved and gave everything authentically in every relationship that was destroyed for some reason.

Love is an emotion. It comes and flows and goes. It can change, just as people do.

Relationships are an equation of comfort divided over phases of change. To organisms that are constantly changing, which is you and me, comfort can mean giving each other healthy space, trusting judgements, co-operating, being honest and reliable, making yourself available, supporting their dreams, knowing what they like and delivering more of it, being OK about each other's tastes & priorities getting re-arranged over the years, etc.

But at the end of the day, comfort means comfort only yes. And this comfort is also a variable - it changes unequally for different people. Some of us grow out of the zone, willingly or because life tells us we must, while it may have become home for the other half.

Some of us with commitment issues panic when we see that home taking shape so we take premature evasive methods, thinking that it'll be easier if things end before they settle down. But I've spent just a few hours with people and loved them so much, so this stupid idea of time spent together being equal to how close we're with someone completely knocks me out.

If people around us always seem to leave, maybe it's because we look at them as entries & exits? So in response, we either clamp up into ourselves or let bitterness take over.

The problem with seeing relationships as events with beginnings and endings is that it assumes that the characters in it will always stay the same.

Never happens! I will be a different person next year, and a completely different one in a decade by the power of compounding. You will be, too.

I've been with friends who've been four different people over the duration I've known them for. The only reason I think I stuck by is that maybe those changes have aligned with mine or what I think are good for both of us.

This doesn't happen all the time. Sometimes we change against the favour of those who we love. And so we grow apart. That's completely okay.

Maybe for just a moment, if we allow ourselves to just get hurt & grieve in the unfairness of how we're built rather than trying so hard to keep everything together, then maybe it'll hurt for a shorter time.

I am telling myself I met a version of someone when they were perfect for me at that point of time and vice versa. And we're no longer those people because so much has happened so fast. And even if we said so many hurtful things that day, maybe all we were trying to say is that we miss each other an awful lot and we're afraid of it meaning something.

I am learning to let myself get to know people without making up plans for them. I'm learning to build new friendships without feeling the burden of having to maintain them forever.

I am learning to normalize missing someone without feeling guilty about it. We can miss people who hurt us, too, because we miss the parts of them that helped us heal at that point.

It will hurt less once you understand that every person you've met and are about to meet, is a droplet swinging from cloud to cloud, pouring down on hills that hold caves within. You can be interlinked with so many people but are never bound or dependent on them. You'll be fine on your own when it's dawn. Your relationships will always be fluid and unpredictable, their only goal is to give you the chance to craft layer after layer in the caverns of your soul.

People will leave because people are not contracts. And even contracts fall apart.

So go ahead & listen to the songs they liked and let the tune make you feel whatever it is.

Cherish the memories you made. Learn from the mistakes. Rather than trying hard to move on and put things behind, collect the memories and find your strength in keeping them close.

Lastly, every time you feel you're getting more & more broken with every person who leaves, and fear that you will become completely incapable of loving by the time you meet someone actually worthy, just remember that many times, a string of broken seashells can be the most beautiful ornament from the beach.

[manikrege]

If you've ever been told you're a bit too much...

You will not see me admit to this very often.

But I intertwine with the plants that I water way too quickly & intensely.

And I keep pouring my heart out everyday.

Until one day I miss it because of work & it looks like I've stopped caring.

Or until one day I water too much & wilt you away.

I don't know why this happens. The over-loving. The over-caring. The attachment. The infinite giving and only giving but hesitating when I'm taking or asking for something I know I deserve.

The immediate trusting.

The seeing good in everyone.

The believing that people are usually not without an agenda when that's far from the case.

It hurts that this is kinda my mistake, a weakness I must learn to overcome.

It hurts that no matter how much I try to hide it, the water flows out eventually, and I lose myself in the devotion of my plants.

I try really hard to make everyone think that I can do just fine without a garden.

But anyone who's given me the privilege of nurturing them - of letting my hands become soiled in the mess of their flaws, so that I can gently nuzzle the tender roots of their soul, and make them see how I see them - they will tell you that I'm like taking in a long deep breath, one molecule too much.

I'm like taking in a long deep breath - comforting and relaxing at first but uneasy towards the end because of the weight it thrusts upon your lungs.

If you've been my friend, you will know that I love too fiercely. If you've been my boss or colleague, you will agree that I work like an absolute maniac.

That is just because I take pride in bringing my heart to every meal I have to make. I have no filters oh God. And no matter how much I try to hide my authenticity to protect myself, it eventually shines through because most people either couldn't bother less or they are more talented at protecting their true feelings.

In the process of opening up too much too fast, even after a million warnings & hard lessons on not to do so, I do end up cutting & bleeding myself on the very thing I'm trying to cook well.

I feel a thousand emotions when I'm with you & every time we're together they're so much that I just want to exist together. I like spending alone time with people, if that makes any sense. I mean I just like knowing and listening to them. I don't need to watch a movie or even have a two-way conversation to enjoy them. I have this habit of squeezing value out of every second we're together.

Small talk and pointless conversations or activities make me jittery. I would rather work in silence with you. Like the day I came over during work hours and we both spent the whole time on our own calls & assignments. The silence has never unsettled me because all that matters is me sharing the same space with my subjects.

Which is what scares me. It scares me that I told you not to think too hard about the future but part of me is already building it and you'll leave like everyone else. Not deliberately maybe but as a consequence of life happening.

Life happens. People get busy. People grow apart. We might settle in different countries, I know we both will. I also hope we'll still keep in touch after it. But the distance, I don't know. I'm scared I will miss you too much and I don't like being that vulnerable.

So.

So.

So.

So I am going to stop trying to water you.

What I mean is that I will stop trying to hold myself responsible for your happiness or your growth.

Wild plants in the jungle grow just fine through the seasons. When they get rain. When they get sunlight. When it's freezing cold.

Plants survive. People survive.

They don't need a gardener.

But what they need is space to grow in all directions. What they need is to be extended.

And so I will be your hummingbird. Sprinkling everything you teach me & make me feel in all directions. Taking the love we experience together as packets of pollen to grow a more beautiful world.

I will make my home in you but hold neither of us down because I know how much I love to fly and how much you love to stand tall.

I will go from tree to tree, plant to plant, and make a forest out of our garden. Telling everyone about you. And telling you about everyone.

I will let us travel whenever and wherever we need to, knowing that I will feel your love through the root of a root of a root, in some form or the other, because I like to believe that every soul is spread across the universe. And I will try to do what I asked you to do - to enjoy this moment we have as it is, as it exists.

See I, and you will not see me admit this often and so easily, I intertwine with the plants I water too quickly and intensely.

Because I have come to accept that it's not just them who need me, but me who needs the garden, too.

Loving is simply my breathing. Loving people gives me meaning. I find strength in service.

After all the mishaps, I've been trying so hard NOT to take that long deep breath I love. I've been trying to cautiously control how much I inhale and exhale.

But you showed me how much I actually missed caring for someone else. you taught me that healthy relationships aren't about the control of give & take. They're just about finding the right people where it won't matter.

Finding the people who would let you show love your way, and who you'd enjoy and respect as they love you in theirs.

So let me show you the thousand ways in which I do, and let me experience all of yours.

[manikrege]

Why I love my body but hate being fat

I feel like we all publicly support body positivity but secretly hate being on the chubbier side. And I want to talk about it today.

First off, I'm not ashamed or afraid of the idea of being a heavy person because I've been chubby almost all my life.

That said, I am neither normalizing nor validating nor glorifying being overweight because it has only brought me pain, both emotional & physical - so I don't actually support it.

After facing real medical consequences for my poor fitness, I made a definitive lifestyle change last to last year, shedding a record 20 kilos in just ten months. I reached the lowest weight I've been since my college days. My friends & family were thrilled to see this. So was I. They said I was looking so much better & happier ... and yes, frankly, I was!!

But what many people quickly shunned or discounted was the fact that I had a complete career break/sabbatical to make it work. I had dropped my work, fired my part-time clients, and solely focused on taming the scale.

People said they'd never be able to get such results alongside all the responsibilities & hustles that they had to do to survive. And it made my entire struggle look like a privileged kid's rectification of a mistake he should've never made in the first place.

What nobody acknowledged was that putting your entire life on pause while others around you race ahead, takes balls of steel. It takes guts. It takes deep thinking, prioritisation, and commitment.

But I get it. When it was time to go back to work last summer, the stress made me gain back some of that "cheddar," and I'm now in a bit of a struggle to cut back again. However, I'm confident that if I stick to my old strict regime, I'll be back in tip-top shape before the rains hit.

More to the point, one unhealthy emotion I caught myself having was that I've not been putting in all that effort for myself.

A lot of my motivation to literally run stems from anxiety. The anxiety of people pointing out the re-emerging dad bod, the belly, the tires, and the double chin. The anxiety of my dear ones asking if everything is okay.

I am quite literally running away from the idea of a fat person. Because ... I realise that I'm not actually ashamed of being fat. I'm just really damn tired of the assumptions it brings.

I'm tired of the assumptions it brings with itself, and frankly, all of them aren't even negative, they're just plain annoying.

First, fat people are supposed to not feel good about themselves. Because anytime someone complains about being fat, they're assured that "they still look beautiful," whereas that is seldom something we want to imply.

Second, when I was over 100 kgs, not a lot of people took me very seriously or made me feel like they do. Because fat people are rarely taken seriously. I was the stereotypical "funny brother" for girls. This isn't some toxic masculine Andrew Tate talk, it's the reality. As a fat boy, I was really never really respected.

When I lost the excess weight, I noticed a shift in people's tone & how they treated me. They listened and touched me more.

It was as if they'd just realised I was capable of walking on two feet like them. Like I was somehow worthy of attention. Whether you agree with me or not, I know for a fact that it did make both serious job interviews & flirting with my crushes a lot easier.

When I brought this up in a dinner conversation, someone insisted that I had gotten it all wrong. They said that it was more about me being confident and happier in my new body, which is what many people were noticing and reciprocating. They said my real & honest best friends & family had always loved me (and always will), no matter how I look or how much I weigh.

To put it simply, it was me who had recently joined my own fan club.

I didn't want to admit it but my friend was right.

Being healthy is good for us, mentally.

I did feel lighter. I did feel happier.

'Cuz no more sweat marks! No more being cautious about sitting on theme park rides and getting asked to leave because you can't fit in properly.

No more issues taking or appearing in selfies. No more sucking in my belly & struggling to wear my belt at job interviews.

NO MORE AVOIDING TREKS OR OUTDOORSY STUFF because I can now finally sprint & twist my body without chaffing my thighs red or puffing hard like I'm being choked.

Trust me, losing weight is the most satisfying & nearly ORGASMIC experience you can give yourself. It is worth all the hunger, restraint, discipline & physical turmoil you'll have to go through at the gym. It is worth every bit of it.

I treated myself better after coming out of the personal war. And like my pal said, maybe that just spilt over into how others approached me too.

This is beautiful but also instructional because it teaches us that a large part of our struggles with body confidence stems from shame.

Subtle SHAME that we think it'll invite from other people. Like the subtle shaming at parties and weddings and beach activities.

For example, many of us feel ashamed to take off our shirts at swimming pools because we know people will stare.

On that note, I also hate how people assume that girls have it worse. It's not a competition but nobody talks about how big of a nightmare it is for men. Chubby men who often get turned away on dating apps. Chubby men who often have to stand at the end behind someone else in group photos. Chubby men who must pretend to be comfortable in their bodies & look all chill about it but can never talk about how they really feel.

It's time to say the truth - Being fat (or too skinny) SUCKS ASS. To put it in Wolf of the Wall street style, I've been a fat man & a fit man, and if I was given a choice, I'd choose fit every time.

It has taken me so much time & practice to fall in love with myself. More so it has taken me 22 years to finally fucking respect myself.

And so I'm teaching myself to overcome the negativity. I refuse to let go of that self-respect just because part of me is still afraid of what other people think.

The toxic mindset that I'm trying to remove is thinking that other people's opinions define our real worth.

Remember this. You're worthy even when you're struggling. You're worthy even when you don't fully & honestly love yourself.

You can be fat or underweight, or be working on improving your health, and still love yourself all at the same time. They're not mutually exclusive states.

If anything, coming to terms with the realisation that taking care of your body will always be an ongoing conversation - like an eternal wave that dips & flows high - is probably the healthiest mindset shift you can make.

Your body is not glassware. You cannot mould it into one shape & then expect it to stay that way throughout your lifespan.

Your body is pottery. Your body is thick rain-smelling, semi-fluid mud being spun on a wheel every day. It will change constantly with every decision you take. It is a sum of your past choices but not a completely unfixable product until the very end.

On some days, it will bloat & make you feel miserable. On some days, it will shrink into place when you successfully skip those pizza slices & desserts a few times, and it'll make you feel good about yourself.

Realise that you are worthy on both types of days. And realize that it's human/normal to occasionally feel like you're not because maybe that's just your survival instinct pushing you to be the best possible version you know you can be.

I am learning to take care of myself because I have finally found the courage to admit that I like it. I like maintaining myself and I will no longer pretend that I don't care.

Yes, I liked the results it previously gave me. I got addicted to the gym lifestyle, the high of natural dopamine & serotonin release it offers me after sweating hard on the floor for an hour. And there's no going back. I will pull myself back into form every time I stray off the path (which I now know will happen often).

Self-care is not a one-time journey. You will constantly break out & make mistakes, have bad meals, or just become too forgetful & busy to care the same way. Where most of us go wrong is that once we realise we've lost the flow, we completely let go & let it become an entire streak.

We go back to feeling SO SORRY FOR OURSELVES, and this self-pity is what leads to the entire mess.

But people who understand how habits work know that consistency is an over-glorified myth. Humans don't work that way. We fall out of our habits from time to time. And we constantly need to check back in, which is OK.

Fat. Skinny. Bald. Hairy. Brown. White. Pimples. No pimples. Specs. No specs ... Wait, I'm not going to say we're all beautiful (ew) because that wasn't the point of this whole article. The point was to say that building your self-image is an uneven & never-ending process and you need to let the journey take its own course.

Know that even at your worst, lowest and I dare say, ugliest points in life, YOU ARE STILL WORTHY of love & respect.

Those are four words I wish someone told me when I was down.

So now I speak them out loud myself every morning. And for times when you don't have the strength, I'll say them for you, too.

[manikrege]

This is the biggest skill you can learn as an adult

I remember making my mom cry last to last year. It was the absolute worst thing I've ever done, and like a boil on the floor of my foot, it still hurts me just as much.

"I hate you. I hate it here. I want to go back."

I screamed at her in frustration after she reminded me to do some small chore that I thought was annoying.

The pandemic had flushed me out, back to my home country India. I'd spent the last five years in Malaysia, first as a student and then as an expat employee.

A photo of me at the T2 Mumbai airport in 2017 shows a cautious chubby Manik, nervous about stepping into an unknown country with no family, no contact to call for help.

Little did he know he would soon bloom into a "proud world citizen," exposed to a multitude of unique people from all kinds of faiths, cultures, countries, and backgrounds.

I entered Kuala Lumpur as an alien city, but quickly grew attached to it as if it was my puppy. The place gave me a blank slate to draw on - no one to judge, scold, or order me around. It accepted me as I was but challenged me to rethink everything.

Like every puppy parent, I thought it would be part of my life forever - although I was warned it was going to be tough to survive in a country that isn't visa-friendly.

Even then, with the support of friends, I fought it out, becoming one of the very few international grads to get a job there itself, while others had to cancel their student visas & go back.

Soon after, the first wave hit, and I was locked alone in a 3BHK with no roommate (they left to be with their families). Within a few months, I was physically & mentally on fire, and I knew I had to run away ASAP.

So I quit the job & reluctantly stepped on the first rescue flight back to Mumbai - this was all in the middle of the first wave's peak.

After coming back, none of the few employers who were still hiring at that time, showed any interest in my CV. Probably because I looked like a foreigner without any local education or experience.

To make it worse, the lockdown weight I had gained came back to bite me (I was a morbid 108kgs), and I suffered a health crisis that forced me to stay back at home for 6 whole months.

All my 5 years of hard work. All my close friends. Everything went to shit. And I took it out on the only person who was still rooting for me, treated mum like a punching bag.

After getting the wake up call, I slowly started working on myself. It took me some time but I recovered enough to step out again. I accepted a shitty job just to restart my CV. After spending a year in exile, muscled my way into the industry by landing a decent respectable position just last month.

I am THREE YEARS BEHIND EVERYBODY.

My friends have already started their Master's or MBAs in rich countries like UK, Canada, USA, and Australia/NZ, where they will probably settle.

Many others have moved into management positions, earning salaries double, even triple of what I take home.

And all this caused me to hate myself. I cursed my destiny - asked God "Why show me dreams when you were going to kick me to the floor in the end?"

Then I wandered the city for answers.

Re-adjusting to Mumbai was difficult.

The jam-packed locals. The noise. The pace. The unforgiving rains that fuck everything up.

The inconveniences & injustices everyone quietly accepts because they're too caught up trying to just survive the month, paycheck after paycheck.

The office crowd, who's more into politics and less into doing good work. There are so many things that started stinging only because I'd seen how cooler life is overseas.

But something changed. Some people in my colony approached me to help with taking care of the stray dogs in the neighborhood. A friend had told them that I had a background in the field.

It's true that I was deeply devoted to this cause. I used to treat, vaccinate, and feed the strays in my locality before I went away. But since Malaysia was a new country, and I didn't want to get into trouble for breaking any laws or upsetting the locals, I'd lost touch with the service.

So this was a chance to do what I really loved. And I threw myself into it at a moment's notice. Now my weekends go by in doing whatever I can to help the stray dogs, whether it's transporting them to the municipality pound for neutering (so that there are no more poor puppies), or tending to their wounds.

I made new friends in the process and now my schedule has been pretty much filled up.

When I'm home & not working, I try to help mum & dad, who are growing older faster than I'm prepared to accept.

This weekend I helped my old guy set up his new tablet - he was so happy, like a toddler getting a toy, to learn about the voice transcribing feature, and promised he'll use it to scribble the book he's always dreamt of writing.

I'm reconnecting with my younger brother, a person I lost in the hustle of time, so it'll need some practice for us to bond again.

Above all, I'm taking myself out. Eating at the iconic places, but also discovering new hidden spots on my own. Learning to sing bhajans (hymns) with the office-going uncles in the train.

Rediscovering Mumbai is like seeing an ex-friend you broke up with in school days many years ago.

What happened, happened. But there's a huge chance you both have something new to offer each other.

Both the city & I have changed.

So like an awkward arranged marriage slowly growing fonder over years, we are slowly adjusting to each other.

For those of us who are still in our home countries, watching others fly out, it can feel unfair (remember how people lashed out at the Humans of Bombay girl who asked public support to fund her Harvard degree?)

But I think I'm the right authority to tell you that life overseas isn't all rosy per se. It's very much filled with loneliness, unless you're shifting with family.

There's rising racism, bias, harsh weather, violence against Hindus, and a constant struggle to keep up with the local competition.

And everything's SO PRICEY. SO UNAFFORDABLE. Although the salaries are much higher, the cost of living shoots up too. And very often you may find that not many people are available or ready to help.

Mumbai is nothing like that. You'll get everything if you just step down your house. The people don't actually give a shit what you wear or do or say. But they will be happy to help out in emergencies, no questions asked.

Life's cheaper (although the pay is shite too) but like the red chutney in our vada pav, there's a sweetness absorbed in the spice of our struggles.

And this is the most important skill I'm trying to pick up - appreciating what life has given me. It has taken me two years to come to terms with what happened. But I'm finally making peace.

The art of acceptance.

Accepting where you are in life. Making full use of it. And more importantly finding happiness where you're standing instead of where you want to reach.

Because many times as an adult, your plans won't pan out as you envisioned them. Often putting out fires will light two more. Things will always be uncomfortable. But you'll need to make do, or else you'll always feel irritated & wronged.

Life has a funny way of putting you in places where it knows you have something to learn. These environments might feel uncomfortable but they're essential to your growth.

And being back to square one has taught me humility. It has actually given me so many things I didn't even know I was missing...

Like cherishing time with family. Working for animals - something that defines me. Eating food I love. Getting the time to gym or work out because I don't have to worry about preparing my own dinner - thanks ma.

Above all, this little detour has taught me to let go. I let go of some friends who no longer vibe with me. Let go of bad habits. Let go of the fear of failing.

And I'm starting fresh. Which is fine, considering the unique story I've got to tell.

I don't know if I'll get to go back abroad. Or I'll settle in India. There are upsides & risks of both options but I'm not thinking about it right now at all.

Because one thing that moving places teaches you is that you can make a home wherever you go. Those doors will open again, I promise, but you must learn to keep yourself open first.

#mental health #burnout #emotional health #acceptance #inner peace

[manikrege]

A note to that Special Friend from Monash Malaysia

Sometimes I like to dream about being back in Monash with you. It’s 9 at night and the campus is dimly lit like a garden of fireflies buzzing half-asleep. There’s a group of friends playing in the basketball court and we can hear them sitting on the cold moist wooden decks in front of the cafeteria.

I look above the overgrowth of trees hugging the building square and notice the hazy sky; then look at you, signaling that it’s going to rain soon.

But the weather has never been a worry in Sunway, is it – thanks to our canopies? You should know how much I love losing myself in you. Losing myself on the long walks we take after getting too tired of waiting for the shuttle. And how much I love finding a little more time to hear about your day, all over again.

You say you’re hungry and I nod, so we march to Rock cafe, cutting across the BRT station.

I pause to pet the chubby dogs outside the garage, and even though you’re not a big fan, you don’t mind waiting because you know how happy hugging them makes me.

You can see herds of students walking in their hoodies and sandals, tired but relieved. Waiting to have dinner and freshen up so they can gather in the Sunway foyer to rush their assignments overnight.

We reach Rock, and I listen more than I eat. Because I’m not worried about getting hungry later on, anyway; someone will always be there to rescue me at any point in the night, from Hadramis to Jaffars, or the comforting masala dosa at Anwar Maju with their sweet cup of teh tarik.

We track back to Monash, and huddle in on the fourth floor, which is open for exam season. Droves of students have already claimed their spaces, hiding under a wardrobe of hoodies because you know just how cold it can get here.

We find a shy corner at the edge near the business office, plug in our laptops, and spend the next hour making checklists of all the things we should follow through on before dawn.

I can’t see it right now but I like imagining Pyramid’s peak and how it quitely glows in the distance, like a comforting lighthouse to sailors lost at sea. I always wonder how it would feel to be there right now, inside. With no one around. I have this fantasy of sneaking in, just to waltz through the empty halls and theatres.

Time passes by, dreaming, getting buried in notes, and taking long walks for short breaks in the cool, dark foyers that have their own eerie language of whispers. Before you know it, folks are rushing into the basement for the first class of the day, which most of us will doze through after getting the code.

We part ways and I jog to Rasai Machan with my tiffin box, eager to fill it with hot breakfast that I have this odd love-hate opinion of. All filled up and dizzy, I saunter out and across the gully as the shop shutters are opening up, and I crash on my bed after reaching the dorm room. I set an alarm – 8 alarms, if I’m being honest – for my afternoon classes, but I know I’ll end up snoozing and then rushing to the auditorium, anyway.

Sometimes I wonder how we kept up with this, year after year, not realizing how much we’d grow to love the kind of crazy routine we wanted to run away from when we were back home.

But I guess that’s exactly what made this time different – our time at Monash -we were all escaping from one thing or the other, clutching on to whoever or whatever was new, without history, without strings – desperate to start fresh and have the freedom to be someone new.

What I miss the most, though, is this weird feeling of knowing that everything will be okay – even amidst all the stress from studies and personal struggles. I miss knowing that I have so many people to back me up despite our differences.

And I miss the easy, unscrewing pace of the city – as if it had its own mind, slowing time down to give us the space to keep going in the very worst of our days.

So I guess I wouldn’t mind going through it all over again with you. Including the parts that hurt us both a little. Because even though there was a time when we couldn’t wait to be in our homes again, now that I’m here, miles away from you, the only thing I really want to do is to go back to the one we built together, and stay.

It’s the only place I can truly call “mine.”

[manikrege]

Do you have a word

For wanting to see someone,

But not meet them?

Be part of their lives one more time,

But only for a moment.

Like a tangent brushing off a circumference,

Quietly passing by.

I just have a few questions, really

And it'll only take half an hour.

So can we catch up & walk away?

God I'm really hoping to bump into you

Ever since I landed.

We don't have to start over,

I know we've put together new lives

So maybe we can meet between meals,

And walk down the gully

Where I built you a Palace.

Did you ever go back there?

To remember me?

How have you been?

What's changed in the last year?

And would you be up

For falling in love again

But not staying?

[manikrege]

Your late 20s might be a lonely time. Are you ready?

Do you remember breaking up with a bestie in school? The first time you had a fight that grew beyond a small quarrel or misunderstanding?

It was probably something silly, wasn't it?

Growing up, I always dreaded that kind of abrupt ending ... until I experienced something much more sobering.

Many times, the start of adult life will randomly fade out bonds that you thought were strong enough to stick together for life.

I say "randomly" because I have pals I connect with twice a year but I never find it difficult to catch up with them. It's as if we Zoom everyday. The conversation flows effortlessly & one of us has to remind the other to go to sleep.

But a few of my friends have been moving inches away every day, and now they're just out of range. Funny how they're technically just a text away but I'm finding it too heavy to start a new chat or reply to their DMs.

Mind you there is no "negative" reason in particular for this. Maybe in the hasty run to make it into the next stage of our careers, we had to choose different paths & adopt different mindsets. Or maybe we just missed a couple birthday wishes so it's too awkward to care again.

It's like I'm holding a 120kg barbell without gloves and I can feel the grip slipping as it rolls & heats up under my palms.

Friendships that die slow deaths leave harsh bruise when you're finally past them.

Because they ruin playlists, singers, songs, and entire genres too. All the special things they introduced you to.

Oh yes, it was the recent Friendship Day celebration that made me think of all this. While I did send & receive grateful wishes, it did hurt not being able to forward those messages to certain someones.

What took that thought forward was the cascade of more than two dozen confessions on Reddit by 25-30 year old boys talking about their loneliness.

The guys said that they're finding it hard to socialize & find their tribes, have never went out on dates, and envy the colleagues or peers who are supposedly settled into tight circles. They marvel at how so many people are getting married all of a sudden!

So I thought someone should address these stories. I've lived them too.

Yes, your 20s is a time when you start earning so the ideal goal is to have people with whom you can plan treks, go out for brunches, and chase those road trips goals you've been dreaming of since college.

But see that's the happy part everyone puts up on their Stories.

There will also come long dry periods after you graduate when the batch mates you promised to meet every year ... become stuck in an exhausting cycle of grinding too hard & then being too burnt to lift a finger.

You will go through this too.

I haven't yet used the word "busy" because one of the realities you'll learn to accept is that people can be 100% free & available & still not want to dedicate that time to you because God knows that one Saturday evening is the only time they get to breathe & watch a good show at length (Sunday is reserved for errands & classes).

Again this completely fine & understandable, in my opinion. Because I do it, too.

Understand that people do care but most often they just don't have the energy or the same priorities to reciprocate your efforts & love with the same intensity you would ideally expect from them. Also people express their love in different ways that might not fit your definition of what it means to care.

Bluntly put, it would hurt less if you tried learning to love & give without hoping for an ROI.

Your friends are just too caught up.

I don't know how to explain it but now I sorta need everything in my Google Calendar LMAO or I'll have no energy or interest in the activity.

I had this crazy back-to-back with a friend when we had to keep postponing our mandatory quarterly call for one or the reason. It became so irritating at one point that he sent me an official proposal on email asking for my appointment.

We both cracked up so hard talking about it & agreed how deeply embedded we are into our work lives. Not to mention the hundreds of other unbaked hustles we're trying to set up on the side.

Adult friendships are complicated & nothing like the ones you may have been a part of in school. Because your timetables & priorities were the same back then. Now? Not do much.

Our generation is chasing difficult goals harder than any before ours. Everyone's under pressure to start a blog, launch a Reel page, post LinkedIn Motivations, build their startup, create an NGO, and how could I forget - grow a YouTube channel too now. It's the influencer life or no life.

The problem is that for those of us going at a slower pace or taking detours, this hustle culture can us feel left behind. It can make us question our worth.

As if we're the only lost wanderer without any concrete game plan or a good team to execute it.

But I'm here to remind you (as I always do) that there is a SHITLOAD of time left for you to gather guests for your party.

It might be in your 30s. Or 40s. But you'll find them, I promise.

I guarantee you'll eventually find your zones. One tip to fasten that process would be that rather than randomly seeking out company, join hobby or activity classes. Even a sports or gym class if you can. Go where communities already exist. Because shared interests make it easy to bond.

There you'll meet quality people who speak to your heart and listen to its beats.

Who understand your rhythm & know how to vibe with it at a cozy distance. A distance that brings you warm soup like feelings of safety but also respects your personal space.

You'll meet folks you can cook brunch with on a Sunday morning. Folks who you can enjoy silence or simple things with.

Butttt.... And it's a big but.

Until that happens, you should start getting comfy with the person you're going to spend the biggest chunk of your life with - yourself.

When you start thinking of it less as loneliness & more as freedom, it'll almost get addictive.

I go for movies I WANT to watch. Head out to restaurants I WANT to eat at. Travel in the style I WANT with my kind of itinerary (or none). And I do get a lot of stares or looks of pity from all the people who've come there in groups or as couples.

I wish I could stand up & express how content I am to dine in alone or sit in theaters all by myself. Soaking in the ambience, one breath at a time.

This is not to prove myself. But so that when they find themselves without a group, they don't feel sad or awkward about it.

Yes sharing slices is always fun but that's its own kind of joy, and so is getting to finish an entire pizza a la solo.

Does that mean I don't crave companions or groups? That I never feel the need for having a girlfriend by my side?

Absolutely I do & I won't deny it.

But over the years, I've learnt to stop letting these be items that I need to cross out ASAP.

I know they'll happen at the right time & place. Or they won't and I'll still have lived a meaningful life.

But until that conclusion unravels, I'm growing fonder of my own company.

Strutting alone through Mumbai's soaked streets this windy rainy season, I'm moving as per my own breeze in no set direction.

And it has led to sketching out many good plans that were previously dependent on having co-passengers. Plans I'm actually looking forward to. Plans that won't be cancelled at the last minute because it'll just be me.

More than enough.

You're not "empty" waiting to be filled fully. You're not unlucky. Nor miserable. You have everything you need to discover & enjoy the planet.

And like so many others who've felt the same, your late 20s might as well feel like a lonely time. But it won't be that bad once you start befriending yourself first.

[manikrege]

Why every decision you've taken after school feels (kinda) wrong

Have you ever tried walking against the waves at a beach? As your feet clutch & push against the receding dunes of sluggish ocean sand, you get this dizzy feeling of being pulled right in. You're reaching for the shore but the water heartlessly flows on with its own gravity.

Being in your late 20s can feel a lot like that.

As if the entire world knows something you don't & it's conspiring to work against you alone at every step. As if all your friends have somehow managed to make just the required amount of right moves at the right time with the right company, placing them on a clear path for the next decade or so. Somehow life's smoothening out for every person on this planet ... with one awkward exception.

You had a vague but decent idea of where you wanted to be a few years after your graduation. And maybe you're kinda on that path but you're beginning to digest the humbling realization of how tough it actually is to "make it" outside the classroom. How much time it's going to take to achieve those goals.

You also never considered the possibility that you were going to fail. Fail hard & often. So here you are - unsure of whether you want to really pursue this for the rest of your life, this thing you thought you were damn good at. And then you dismiss the idea of starting fresh as soon as you realize how deep you're into this game, with responsibilities & expectations piling up faster than the paychecks.

I keep trying to go back in time to pinpoint where exactly it all went tits up. I shouldn't have left my job abroad out of fear during the pandemic. I shouldn't have switched to that job in the first place, and instead taken up the offer I had sitting on my lap from my previous company. Actually, I shouldn't have tried to run away so early for my Bachelor's but instead waited for my Master's like everyone else. I shouldn't have been afraid to tell Pa that I hate commerce & want to be an artist (which actually led to the whole wanting to run away thing). I shouldn't have done this, done that.

A friend said reviewing all my decisions like this is one hell of a drug because it looks like I'm being critical but really I'm just trying to hold on to the cozy embrace of the past. And it spurred a discussion, "Would I doubt myself so much so often if I wasn't bombarded by hundreds of Reels & TikToks & LinkedIn Updates from people hitting perfection at whatever they do?" Our teachers never trained us to handle this imposter syndrome every adult goes through.

But I'm only just beginning to accept how competitive & comparative many of us are. Ironically, that can damage those most who used to always be on top in school. Back then, it worked in our favor. But now, not so much. Because being in the 20s is a lot like sitting in a circle and playing a game of "pass the ball." Eventually everyone's going to get it. Eventually something somewhere is going to click for every single one of your friends. Most of the times not even because of their talent but out of sheer luck.

The problem starts when we expect the system to be fair, or when we think the kids who got lucky recently have always had their way. But we don't know each other's real paths. The guy who landed a job at Google in the States had to endure 3 years of stagnation & humiliation at shitty jobs. The girl who's raving about her styling fashion career today actually chose the wrong degree early on & took a lot of hits before finding her groove. The startup founder you envy was bullied throughout his childhood. These people waited for their turn to shine, and it can be difficult to give away the spotlight or complain about how you've never had it yet, but that's how it works.

I know it's irritating to always watch those cool content creators, influencers, and even some friends grapple with success so effortlessly on the Gram. But it's important to remind yourself that people's feeds are a highly edited, constructed, and handpicked curation of their whole lives. Every single person on the internet (including myself) is here to feel good about themselves and their choices.

Nobody's posting their failures, fears, and wounds here. The dude who announced his spanky new job on LinkedIn? He didn't tell you about all the places that rejected him. The girl who's traveling & posting pics from all around the world? She doesn't talk about her family problems back home. No, I'm not saying no one's actually happy with their lives. The world is not so bad either. People are having fun, and loving what they do. But that's just a part of their story, that's all. You only see the good bits so it feels like they're impossibly ahead of you. I just want us to remember this every time we feel like we're the only ones falling behind.

I also discovered recently how since we're all looking at people's final products, we tend to overlook the time & resources they've had to make it work - the biggest one being sheer dumb luck. No, wait, don't hate on me yet. I'm not discounting or undervaluing anyone's hard work, nor am I asking you to use this as an excuse to give up & slack. I'm just saying we've underestimated how many things really need to come together at the right time & place for you to beat the odds.

We're creatures of fairness so it unnerves us to hear someone say that working hard or being passionate isn't a guaranteed recipe for success. "Destiny" has been made to look like a bad word used by sore losers, and I feel that's an unhealthy way to tackle something as unfair as life.

The girl who started her business probably had support from her family & a small seed fund. The guy who transformed his body could take time off from work. You have to consider the possibility that people sometimes have access to resources you don't, which is okay.

In his satire "Animal Farm," George Orwell hits us with the uncomfortable reality - "All animals are created equal but some are more equal than others." Being able to chase success without having to worry about the consequences of failing is a privilege, whether you accept it or not. There's a matter of classes in play. I've consulted for 3rd-generation entrepreneurs who claim they "steered their business" through the pandemic, but really, they had the wealth of their family & friends to stay afloat. Try telling this to a first-generation single mom entrepreneur who had nothing to rely on except her wits, with two crying babies to feed on the side. She couldn't sustain it.

This idea feels taboo because we have idols like Oprah Winfrey & JK Rowling who made it big without any support. Granted, there are poor, crippled, and damaged people who have bounced back from absolutely nothing. But they're one in millions, and they provide a narrow definition for studying success.

See Bill Gates' mom was on IBM's board, so he could take the risk to start off. Bezos had $300,000 in seed capital to build Amazon "from scratch." Most frequent in the news nowadays, Elon's Dad owned a goddamn mine in Africa. Buffett was the son of a congressman. Your "self-made" idols had help along the way.

On the flip side, thousands of people have tried their hands at the same ideas & failed. 90% of businesses shut down in the first year. There's a survivorship bias at play here- we only look at the winners & not everyone else who also tried just as hard. This doesn't mean you should resign all effort & make yourself lazy but it helps to prepare yourself for the reality that you're not going to be rewarded with an A+ just because you studied overnight for the test. Sometimes you'll still crash after all the checks have been done.

And that's okay. Social platforms are making our generation feel like we don't have time to fail a thousand times. They're pressurizing us to believe we should have at least one shiny achievement to show by the time we turn 30. It has become like a cut-off point, and we're chasing it at the cost of our health. There's an entire industry called "career counseling" dedicated to pushing us down a singular carefully planned path. But we're never allowed to feel confused & wander. There's only one result of all this pace- which is burnout. Something I've very intimately experienced.

I had a heart-to-heart with my Dad last week. Without realizing it, he implied he doesn't know what he wants from life. He's an engineer who spent 20 years successfully in banking. And now day-trades for a living. My Dad is almost 60. And he's still searching for answers. So I think I have ample of time, dude.

I am slowing down. I'm learning to be patient with the process. It's going to take a lot of practice to believe in it but I'm constantly telling myself I'm on the exact path I need to be on.

I'm on the exact path I need to be on ... even if there doesn't seem to be one right now. I'm neither falling behind. Nor too early. I'm going at the right speed.

I've started chasing not goals but good habits that have nothing to do with money, status, or fame but instead center around my physical fitness, inner peace, and above all, my real contribution to those who need it. I want to be the "hope" for those of us who feel alone, who haven't yet figured it out. I want those peeps to know they're not alone.

I'm hitting 2 hours at the gym every day. I'm sleeping for 8 hours. Reading a shitload of good value books. Confidently saying NO to junk without temptation. And voicing myself more often. I just wish they taught us to glorify these little things that matter so much. In any case, I'm sending tiny ripples for what I know will merge into waves someday.

It's true I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be. In terms of the salaries which my peers have already bagged or the milestones, they've long hopped through. But all this time, what has been driving me insane is I've been chasing the world's definitions of what happiness really is, which is probably why everything I've done feels wrong. When I started asking myself, though, the answers were a lot simpler & grounded. So I'm going to listen a lot more. And I hope you, do, too.

[manikrege]

Why I hate the concept of "self-love"

You know how people talk about self-love like it's a switch you can conveniently turn on the moment you realize it's lacking? They think we can learn how to become happier & stronger individuals who recognize & fight for our own needs, just like that? I absolutely hate the expectation.

Because it's unrealistic. It's not as if we're protagonists in a Disney movie, destined to have grand revelations that suddenly restore our confidence in the climax.

For those of us who've struggled with anxiety, self-doubt, career confusions, depression, and blanket trainwrecks triggered by the pandemic (or other, more intimate events) - we know that the journey of finding our faith again ... it's not nearly as beautiful or romantic as they show on screens.

If anything, it's the hardest thing many of us will ever do in life, and today, I want to honor it. I want to talk about the uncomfortable & boring parts about mental health, the ones that are skipped by the #inspiration & #motivation brigade. The darker bits we try not to address even when we're discussing our struggles, because we fear it would drag the conversation too far.

I've treated myself horribly in the past. And I'm telling these stories so that if you've went through the same experiences, or are going through them, you'll know that you're not alone. Maybe someone will read this 30 years from now, and still be able to connect with me across time & space. Maybe that someone will be the older me, looking for a companion who understands.

Firstly, I've accepted salaries & work payments way lower than I know I deserve for the sincerity I bring to the table. My friend who holds an identical role at another company, earns 10K more than I do, but does half the workload I handle. My relatives have questioned why I never bothered to ask for more. People often react with a look of disappointment & pity after hearing that I settled for so much less.

The truth is that I've always known exactly what I'm worth, but I was so afraid of not living up to that benchmark, that I thought it would somehow be better to aim lower, go slow, and then notch it up as time passes by. Honestly, I was recovering from a series of back-to-back failures, and so my only priority was not hitting rock bottom again. The goal was just to help my body & mind slowly warm up because I was afraid that firing it fully would lead to the same burnouts that put me there in the first place.

This happens in relationships and many other parts of our lives. We often accept abusive & gaslighting partners who treat us badly, bosses who humiliate us, and toxic friends who are constantly putting us down or make us feel dumb, inferior, or not enough.

It's easy to think that we should've noticed the red flags. That we should've stood up & answered back. Or that we should've simply left & found better opportunities. But when you're low on self-worth, you try to clasp to whatever crap is offered. Truth is, you're actually just buying some time to feel more stable, feel anything.

So today, I'm going to forgive myself for not being selfish, because only I know how hard I was trying to keep myself alive, just the head above water. I'm letting myself be comfortable with the cautious actions I took. They may not look logical to the world, but are still understandable given in the situation & mindframe I was in.

Which brings me to my second point. I've also pushed away love & support from people because I felt like I didn't deserve it anymore. I remember seeing my first-ever Tinder match during the peak of the pandemic, when we were all so bored that we reinstalled that app just to kill the time.

I felt butterflies in my stomach when they flirted their way into the DMs. It was a junior from my ex-university, and we had the cutest few long conversations catching up after years. They promised to take me out on a date when the streets re-opened after the lockdown. This was my first time being courted by anyone, period. I don't really even care if they were serious or just casually killing boredom/loneliness like I was.

The point is that it was all going perfect up until the moment my anxiety picked it up and I "Nope'd" out of the conversation for no bloody reason. I ghosted them completely, and when you read it like this without much context, it can sound like the stupidest move in the history of moves.

But then here's the other side (and I wish they knew this had nothing to do with them) - the match couldn't have come at a worse time. I was in a terrible place in 2020, hurriedly preparing to leave my well-paying job in Malaysia & come back home to India because of COVID. It was going to mean giving up everything I'd fought for, and leaving behind so many dreams to wither away. At a whopping 108 kilos, I was physically broken inside & also mentally burned out. For a moment there, I felt like the ugliest person on Earth.

So I wondered how this person would react if they saw the unhealthy me, at my worst, way farther than the prettiest & most perfect snaps I'd put up there, as we all do, on social media. I felt so goddamn sorry for myself - thinking I didn't deserve to be liked, loved, or touched.

I'm doing way much better now, thanks to rigorous exercise & a better diet. I've taken action & feel awesome, back in splendid shape & slowly recovering from the trauma, too. I'll tell that story some other time. But looking back at that episode of "rock bottom" I went through, I want to tell the younger Manik that it's alright to feel how he's feeling.

Sometimes, we all find ourselves looking in the mirror, touching the fat that hangs from our bodies, or the freckles and pimples that distort our skins, or the split-ends of hair that has lost its shine & smoothness. We're pressurized to quickly "fall in love" with these imperfections but nobody realizes that our relationship with ourselves is just like any other relationship: intertwined with emotions that ebb & glow over time.

We don't always love our partners madly, do we? Sometimes, we can't stand their sight. That's actually the same thing when it comes to body image issues, and it's okay. If we could all just acknowledge these feelings as real & human for a tiny moment before we begin to work on them productively, that'd be great. I get that it's important to get healthier & fitter if you want to lead a long life, but I just don't agree with the immense pressure of having to constantly work on bettering ourselves. We all just need a few seconds doing nothing, just to gather our thoughts.

Everybody feels a degree hate towards how they've been constructed - both physically and mentally. We secretly wish we had more or less of some feature, or faster learning abilities. More to the point, we all tend to push away beautiful things because we think we're not worthy to experience or enjoy that beauty. It's just like how you don't feel well-dressed enough to enter a party, you get me?

So today, I want to forgive myself for attaching my worth to how I look, or how productive & successful I am at a particular moment in time. I want to remind myself that there are some friends who'll adore & hold me even at my worst, and I want to forgive myself for not reaching out to them when I could've used their help.

Because it's cool to want to fight your own battles, either voluntarily for the comfort of it, or because you simply don't feel like burdening or involving another random person in the mix. It's cool to feel not ready for someone or something. You don't have to grab every opportunity life throws your way.

That brings me to my major pet peeve with the internet's concept of "self-love," nowadays. It treats all other emotions - like hate, envy, sadness, and fear - as problems to resolve and inconveniences to fix. It doesn't allow people to take the time to process their moments of doubts, or even accept these so-called "negative" feelings as human experiences. We're expected to put up brave & happy faces all the time, never for once just allowing ourselves to feel totally confused & lost in life.

The moment we do something unproductive (or take no action) to deal with these situations, it's labelled as a "self-destructive" tendency, when in fact, it's probably more of a coping mechanism.

If I look at many of my friends, we're all more or less in "salvage-mode" as growing adults. Coming to terms with how hard it really is to find stability. Because there can be so much going wrong all at once. Something always needs fixing or paying up. Your phone stopped working, so you repaired it. Then your bank details need updating, so you did that.

And you're just doing things one after the other with no end in sight, but not really moving ahead. When nothing's going your way, it can set in a paralysis of sorts. So you wish that you could skip a few years to a point where you're just lying on the bed peacefully - finally able to breathe again.

That point will come, I promise. But it'll take some time, which leaves us with no other option but to live with ourselves as we are right now. And that's the final thought I want to leave you with.

Yes, it's okay to feel like you're not good enough at times. Because most of us live in silos. Only if you had someone to point out & show you all the extra-ordinary progress you've made over the last few months, you'd have been able to be kinder to yourself. That said, we have to prepare for the scenario that's no one's coming anytime soon, so I'll need you to take up the role & keep reminding yourself that you're still alive & breathing even after everything that's went down.

A handy idea that has helped me is keeping a "Little Good Things I Felt Today" diary, in which I list simple bullet points of small errands I completed or momentary feelings of happiness, joy, and wonder I felt. This has instances when I've congratulated myself for putting together a sandwich, or making my bed after days of doing nothing. Or the time when I saw a puppy on the street & played with it for a whole hour, forgetting everything else about this world.

When I'm down, I return to these moments, not to discredit or forget how I'm feeling, but to appreciate the fact that if I never felt like shit from time to time, I would also never be able to understand how joy & peace feel like.

Come to think of it, my biggest achievements & triumphs, or sparks of brilliance in life have sprung from my darkest, most painful journeys. And that's not me romanticizing the struggles (because they did harm/scar me) but it's simply acknowledging their place in the whole cycle.

All said & done, today, I want to show forgiveness & gratefulness for not loving myself enough. If I had been able to do that, I don't think I would've felt beautifully human enough today. I don't think my friends would've loved me as unconditionally as they do, thanks to my obvious flaws & inconsistencies. I don't think I would've had moments of clarity, had I never plunged into chaos. And I definitely wouldn't have been understanding or empathetic of others who are in bad places, if I hadn't travelled through these valleys myself.

So to travelers in the middle of nowhere, I know you're trying as much as you realistically can (even if you think you're not doing enough). I see your fight, I acknowledge you, and I think you're really amazing. Above all, I'm here, too. I can't promise everybody that it's going to get better, but wherever we go from here, we'll have a story to tell, and your struggle now, will be someone else's survival guide tomorrow, so hold on.

[manikrege]

Your parents are growing really old but nobody prepared you for it

Pappa used to let me climb on his ankles, swinging the legs up and down as I giggled at the momentary feeling of flight. That was our game whenever we went to hotels for holidays, followed by pillow fighting and panja (arm wrestling).

Of course, he let me win most of the time, although not too easily because that wouldn't have been fun.

It amazes me how simple I was to understand and please as a kid. How easily he could come up with the best bedtime stories, as if building a staircase to my dreams. In one episode, MS Dhoni is down a team player so he calls me from the stands to bat with him in the World Cup finals.

Fast forward 14 years to today, Dhoni has managed to win without me, I find it hard to relate to any stories from my parents, and they admit that they simply don't understand my generation. So it just left me wondering where exactly this fell apart. There's loads to unpack, be warned.

But no? this isn't a bitching sesh. It's just that I've been feeling torn between the need to let these relationships settle like warm soup, and the uneasy dawning realization that I may have lesser time than I think to pay them back for all the sacrifices. Do I spend time with them and end up feeling frustrated or do I see this phase through patiently and end up regretting the distance?

They're fine right now, mind you, but I hear stories of friends' folks passing away in the pandemic fever. I want to go hug mine tightly but then I remember that we're not talking, stuck in a Cold War because of some petty disagreement we had days ago, a loud silence I don't know how to shut up. So my question is, why do people have to make it so hard to love them?

For those of us who've had a taste of independence living in another city or earning their own paycheck, coming back is so painful. It can get impossible to communicate when we need our own space, when we're reaching out for advice, and when we just need to rant or vent after a shitty day without turning it into a lecture about THEIR careers and THEIR experiences.

There is a halfway hold on being left alone. My door is kept ajar but I still have to tell guests that it's "my room," my career path is what I like but I'm given a stern look whenever I doubt it or want to experiment differently, and "I'm my own adult now," but I'm not allowed to just FEEL confused or tired, an experience that's separate from needing an immediate solution to be happy again, which by the way, can range from going out for a walk to getting married.

Don't judge me for saying this but sometimes adults will give me the impression that they don't want me to successful, they just want me to suffer. Because that's how they got where they are today so they think it's an inevitable step in the process.

They want me to "adjust" my expectations or standards and tolerate any experience, only keeping in mind my end goals and ambitions.

But the problem is that when I DO suffer, happily chasing the things or gigs that give me real joy, they'll question whether these pursuits are worth anything at all. How do I explain that at least for now, I wouldn't mind working in a space that fuels my soul, even if the paycheck's not as good as an MNC? So do you want me to take my time or do you want me to settle down?

You do realize that those are literally opposite concepts?

Hello?

Ugh, maybe this gap wasn't there before because as kids, we took our parents' word as the Holy Commandments and blindly trusted the insurance package that their advice came with.

But now as we're developing our own world views, we can see the inconsistencies, hypocrisies, and flaws in how they managed to somehow put together a life that we thought was really stable up until a few moments ago.

You realize that they weren't perfect parents. They may have given you some trauma and made mistakes along the way.

As we come to terms with the fragility and take over the driving wheel, they still have one hand hovering over it unconsciously, unsure of letting go, more out of habit than fear. I don't think I'm prepared for this friction.

First noticing the signs of the ageing. Then piecing it all together to make sense at the end. The anguish and emotional baggage we're about to lift not so soon and then all at once, as our Kings and Queens march towards their 60s and 70s, unhumbly, assuring us that they're still young and fit.

That there's still time.

I know what to expect, though. Days spent fielding incessant calls about whether I had lunch, tea, and dinner. I'll ask if they had their pills, whether the maushi refilled their bottle of water, and what not on our checklist ... Then there will be nights spent in hospitals, watching every breath they take, being anxious that if I step out, I might lose them forever.

There will be happy moments, too, of course. Afternoons spent loudly laughing at childhood memories. Smelling the brittle papery pages of our 90s childhood albums. Then there will be bitter exchanges where we say things we'll want to take back immediately (but we won't even be able to apologize for it). It's going to be tough. But this isn't an obligation. I do want to be there for them until the end.

But the irony is that they will try to dissuade me from this too.

They'll talk about how their friends are doing better then them abroad. All because they chose to not stay back and instead only offer financial or manpower support for their old pals. If only compartmentalizing my feelings was this easy.

Do my Superman and Santa Claus, and my WonderWoman and first Best Friend ... do they not realize that they won't be able to get up and run around the hallway in a few years? Or maybe, just maybe, are they also going through deep introspection towards the last decades of their lives?

They must also be feeling so irritated, realizing they gave it all, first for their own aging parents, and then for their baby. And now they have to rationalize their opinions and decisions for another grown-up who has barely grown up, that much I accept.

I've been thinking that instead of trying to make sense of our pathways, it's just better if I approach them like a co-passenger on a group tour. Basically, both parties accept that we neither come from the same backgrounds and time periods, nor do we have to return to the same destinations.

But since we're on this bus ride together for a few more days, we might as well have some fun and allow each other to show each other love in whatever ways we both find appropriate and doable.

I'll try not to mind you peeking into my room, Mumma, because I know that you don't even think about doing it deliberately; it's just a seamless part of your routine. But then maybe you can sit down with me to learn how to order groceries through Big Basket, too? It's really more convenient.

You might find it overwhelming at first but OTPs don't disappear in seconds so you don't have to panic to note them down on a writing pad right away. Take it easy girl.

And Pappa, I would love to hear about your cricketing victories, pranks, and skits in college, etc. You don't have to think twice before coming to talk with me, afraid that you're boring me to death. I don't want us to be so afraid. I wish I could prove to you that after all this time, I do care but I just wasn't old enough to express it so if we could ignore how I behaved between 14 to 23 years old that'd be really great.

This doesn't have to be an either-or decision. This doesn't have to be a juggle, just as it wasn't for you. A good friendship doesn't HAVE to mean making sacrifices. It's just about learning how to balance the boat and keep us both afloat.

Figuring that out would take some time, I know, but it'll also mean being uncomfortable with frequent changes for a while. That's one last challenge I'll need you to accept.

Not to be rude but you're growing really old. And nobody prepared me for this, alright? But nobody prepared you to be parents either, did they, and you did okay.

You can trust me on this one thing. That when your ankles are so weak and tired that they can barely lift themselves, I'll be right there.

I'll be right there.

[manikrege]

Do you think we'll bump into each other again?

Or rather, do you wonder about how it's entirely possible that our paths never cross and we fade away without getting to know all the awesome and painful ways in which we grew? All the things we experienced?

And does it bother you? That we can never really tell when it's our last time with this person right in front of us? I'm not, per se, referring to untimely deaths or sudden breakups, although those can definitely shake one's entire core.

It's more like I knew these people on campus or work at some point but that was it. That's all I get, period. Maybe they had such wonderful stories to tell me and lessons to teach me ahead ... but for some reason they had fufilled their purpose or role and so we all moved on? That doesn't sit well with me because who decides that anyway?

Yes, I know I couldn't possibly listen to all the updates from everyone in one lifetime, though. It's this "limit-ness" of meaningful relationships we can afford or manage to preserve in the long term, that unsettles me sometimes.

A psychologist said we can only have 150 real connections but I say it's more like 15 or slightly more, wouldn't you agree?

I do always ask about you to our mutual friends. It's not awkward anymore. To hear or say your name. What happened is in the past. But I wish I could tell you how proud I am of the splendid future you're pursuing. I feel like it suits you and I regret not staying to be a small part of that adventure.

I wish we could catch up. For that matter, I wish I could reconnect with every human who I have ever spoken to for more than a few minutes. I wish I could say all the things that I only thought I should've said, years later while showering randomly. I want to close the pathways to entire universes I brushed by without realizing it. So that others can have the privilege.

Will leaving a ripple in this pond do? Is it okay if I send a heartbeat out into the infinity of space? I'm not looking for an answer at all. It's fine as long as my love reaches you. As long as a hiccup or a momentary feeling of warmth tells you that I thought of you tonight. As long as you think of me, too.

Did you?

[manikrege]

I never thought I'd write about "love" again but here I am

You ever been with someone you can never "be with?" A friendship that you know has much more to offer but also too much to lose?

Crap, it's that cheesy romcom cliché from Christmas 2008. My Jai has fallen for an Aditi. And I'm mulling about whether we should have that "talk" when we Zoom tonight.

Maybe they'll explain that they don't see me that way and this would complicate things. Heck, maybe they'll point out how we're from different backgrounds, countries, jobs, and religions - and I'll have to clarify that it's these differences I love the most. It's starting to feel like a Toastmaster's debate.

If I have to be both realistic and happy, I'm hoping that they'll smile, appreciate me for sharing my feelings, and promise to help me get over it eventually. Such mature discussion. Much wow.

Scenarios. Scenarios. Scenarios. As I'm slinging through the multiverse created by my anxiety-ridden, 23-year-old brain, I have to say that there's something different about this person that's keeping me awake. There has to be.

Because I thought I left behind this topic in my emo teen phase. With poems that I took the effort to rhyme lmaoooo. But its almost after an entire decade that I'm finding myself chirping down this path again. Spring in my step and all. So the writer in me is definitely curious.

See first of all, there wasn't a love-at-first-sight moment. It wasn't full of butterflies and crazy adventures. In fact, I can't pinpoint a specific day when I understood that I wanted more. There weren't any explosive fireworks. The hunch grew more like five sips of chai. Normal, comforting, simple. Like how you move into a new house and then it eventually becomes your home for no good reason. And you get into a cozy routine.

I have spent so much time in their company doing jackshit. This one day we camped in our university's library. On our own laptops doing our own assignments. When the guards told us it was time to leave, we walked out talking about how well-spent the day was and we should definitely do it again.

It's not like we haven't had fun together. We've hung out, flown to new cities. We've eaten with forks at fancy brunches and also ravaged through banana leaf buffets like Savannah lions.

We've also had the craziest of talks. From junk gossips to deep philosophical musings at 3AM. They once looked down at the dimly lit highway and told me how every passing car must have people with complex lives and stories that we'll never hear. Trippy? Well, you should see our chats, you'd think we're in the stratosphere.

But floating in between all that noise are many blank pages that weigh just as much. Silences I never felt obligated to fill. Sometimes, we just lie around and chill.

Which tells me that this new kind of love I'm discovering ... this love isn't all shining and glamorous. After all that excitement fades away, there's a cozy blanket of silence that takes over. You don't have to go on extravagant holidays to relax. You don't have to buy each other costly gifts to feel special. You don't have to upload Stories of everything you do together. There's nothing to prove to the world, nothing to show off.

Instead, it's the simple gestures. They're both noticed and reciprocated. The person's company is more than enough. And you no longer have to do only wild things to feel like you had a good time.

If you can feel happy cutting a cupcake in the dark and call it a party, when its not even your birthday, that's when you realize they're the one.

Mind you, even if there's comfort, there's also discomfort. I like that we call each other out on our bullshit. They don't just pretend to agree with all my decisions or opinions because I'm their best friend. In fact, there are so many things we do openly disagree on and also furiously debate about.

We also hold each other accountable for our mistakes. I have a loud mouth and when I leak something in a public conversation that I shouldn't have, they will remind me that I can do better.

This could've been a toxic or abusive thing where we're constantly pushing each other's buttons. But its not the case because toxic relationships rely on fear. The fear of causing damage. But when we discuss our issues, we're not afraid of permanently ruining or breaking things.

We understand that we cannot realistically always like each other. Sometimes, I will hate her. And I'll say it. They'll say they hate me even more. Sometimes I'll be so pissed off at something silly they did. But I won't feel bad or guilty about it. We respect these negative emotions and agree that we can be imperfect and kinda off on some days. These fleeting currents and tiny problems don't threaten our bond. I speak for both of us when I say we have this unbreakable faith that we'll always be able to 'work it out together.'

When you call someone your 'loved one,' it means they're signing up for the whole package. Which occasionally includes confusion, misunderstandings, disappointment, and hurt.

If you can openly talk about all your feelings and problems without having to worry about losing them, that's when you realize they're the one.

But all that said, I think the most special thing about this special person is how they make me want to be better without ever having to push me ahead.

What I mean is that they're a forever fan. At gatherings, they'll take me around like I'm Barack Obama and introduce me to all their friends, raving about the 'cool projects' I'm working on this year. They're my biggest cheerleader, hyper-supporter, and meme-liker to the point of cringe. When I'm down and sobbing about how I suck, they'll tell me to shut up and refuse to believe that I'm anything less than the best.

I feel immensely relaxed knowing that I'll always be good enough for them, even when I'm not good enough for myself. See, it's not a conditional contract. There's this underlying assurance that they'll be cheering me for me even when I'm behind, even when I finish last. I don't have to constantly worry about proving myself to them or living up to their 'expectations.'

A relationship of any kind and degree shouldn't feel constantly challenging, uncomfortable, and stressful. That kind of bullshit is often sold under the guise of tough love or training. But you shouldn't feel like you're dragging yourself to please or impress the person.

Because love is safety. It's like a soft sandpit in which we can become kids again and build whatever the fuck we want to. And when we have no power left, it's a force that burns through every fiber of our soul and gives us that last bit of fire to hold on. "Hold on," it says, "We're almost there."

This safe zone my special person has created without even realizing it ... it just makes me want to push myself every day. Their fierce belief in me makes me want to fight, even when I don't want to do it for myself. In fact, it was this person who once told me that we can't always love ourselves and that's why we need friends who can remind us of how worthy we are.

If they make you feel empowered to chase your dreams fearlessly, you know they're the one.

Now that I've said these things out loud, I guess I know that they're really the one.

But I don't feel prepared to tell them yet so I'm going to wait for some more time. I'm not rushing into things. It's perfectly acceptable. And anyway, I'm not worried about being too late. I won't regret telling them right away.

You know how I'm so sure?

Because love is, above all, friendship. And I have it right here, right now.

[manikrege]

For 'gifted' kids who feel like a disappointment

You ever wanted to become an astronaut? I think we all did. At some point in our childhood. Back then, the stars and moon felt so close. Power Ranger transformations looked realistic. And getting an A+ was just a matter of focusing on your studies one week before the exam.

But above all, life was fair. You work hard, you get rewards. I remember teachers telling me how I was going to be so happy & successful after my 10th board exams. Of course, they postponed that promise until after my 12th, then my graduation, then my MBA ... and now they joke about how marriage is the true final test.

Part of me wants to believe in their simple idea. But it's starting to crack. Because I know for sure that I gave my 100% at the job. I was still fired. I know for sure that I wrote those blogs and manuscripts with all my heart. They were still rejected. I'm confident that I gave that relationship all the time and love I could've given. It still ended.

All of a sudden, I don't feel like I'm the gifted kid they told me I was. I'm no longer a topper, a front runner, a prodigy with all the potential, or an obvious winner on my way to conquer the world.

It's not like I'm a complete mess or failure. It's just this uneasy & humbling discovery that I'm actually average in many areas, and even terrible at some things that come easily to my friends. It's the discomfort of realizing that lagging behind somewhere is inevitable.

It hit me when an aunty asked me about what I'm up to nowadays, and I felt afraid to tell her that I'm taking a break to figure out my next steps. I guess I didn't want to show that I've burned out, lost my way, or worse, extinguished my 'spark.' I guess I didn't want to look like a disappointment.

But I really do. I feel like I was slowly climbing to the top of this roller coaster and now that I'm here, all I can see is a plain straight line for a few miles ahead. No ups and downs. No crazy loops. No thrilling adventures. Instead, a patch where I'm supposed to stumble and fumble. A middle that just doesn't seem to end. Between being a carefree, city-exploring, movie-going, third-year student and a responsible, settled adult. Just between these phases, you get it?

It gets complicated when I look around. Just yesterday, we were all skipping class to catch 'Endgame.' And now everyone's on their own trajectory, spread across the world, chasing different dreams and goals. I see friends getting excited to announce their milestones on LinkedIn. Getting hired by big fish. Securing scholarships in Ivy leagues. Launching their own startups. I mean, how the fuck is everyone getting featured in Forbes' 30 under 30?

Look, I really want to be happy for all of them. But at some point, we all start to compare a little, don't we? Especially those of us who've always been a little competitive.

When I was reflecting on these feelings last night, I thought about how the problem started in statistics class. When Radhika ma'am drew a straight line pointing upward and forward from 0 to 100 on the graph. And we were told: "This is how success looks like." A steady consistent burn towards status, security, fame, and money. And until recently I didn't realize how much that model was hurting me (well, I've always thought that math is shit anyway).

Because if I look back at myself and people I'm proud of, our growth has been anything but linear. Sometimes you take a step back, sometimes you go in circles for years, sometimes you say "fuck it" and abandon the axes to run away into some other dimension. Growth is not always beautiful. In fact, it can be very messy. It hides in pain, dances behind self-doubt, smiles in suffering, and celebrates obstacles. Which is why we don't always recognize it as it's happening.

Growth is also seldom tagged on Instagram or vlogged about on YouTube, only it's end products are. We don't see the hardships, the mistakes, the pressures, the embarrassments, the anxiety, the stress, and the crushing disappointments that come hand in hand with shining 'talent' ... Tweets and Stories are too short to fit all this heavy baggage that's part of everyone's journey.

Lastly, growth is also very unfair. It doesn't always lead to meaningful or positive results. Sometimes its only job is to make us hurt. You don't always become stronger or better. You don't always come out smiling. You cannot have full control. You can do everything you possibly could've done and still lose. You can try, try, and fail in spite of all your attempts. Shit will just happen for no reason, serving no purpose. Not all dots will connect.

And that's something I'm learning to make peace with. I'm learning to normalize:

Not having a plan for everything

Fucking up even when I was prepared

Needing help or guidance from others

Taking a gap year for my mental health

Not only depending on my 'strengths'

Being just another guy in the crowd

Letting others take center-stage

Helping others without feeling threatened

So here I am. Excited to announce something, too. Excited to announce that I'm currently not doing, winning, or being great at anything. Because there's nothing wrong with sitting out a match every now and then. A hunch tells me that I'm going to hit the ball out of the park when I get back.

Hold on, Manik. Hold on.

[manikrege]

I reached out to the kid I bullied in school. It hurt like a bitch.

Moving places makes you realize how badly humans need closure. How hard we strive for the chapters of our lives to open & end neatly, one by one. And how much we hate cliffhangers, incomplete pages, or vague endings off the screen.

I tried to seek my closure yesterday. Because I'm moving away from the neighborhood I grew up in. Don't worry, it's nothing I'm going to miss. School sucked for me, as it did for most 'studious' kids.

Fat, nerdy, weird, and a bit on the 'girlish' side, it was like this boy entered the class wearing a cap that said, "Your new favorite target." Of course, the cool kids ganged up & left me broken. I felt all alone like a wet puppy abandoned in the rain.

So like a dog, I learned survival, the ugly way. I bit back, chewed on smaller prey. And before I knew it, became the very thing I hated the most. A bully.

Roy, let's call him that, had the same awkwardness that had made me a target. His only disadvantage was that he didn't want to fight back. This allowed me to slowly strangle him, one taunt at a time.

It started out as lame jokes that you'd expect from any teenager. Calling him "gay," laughing at his curves, making him feel unwanted. This graduated into mild jabs & punches. And then finally, one day, the five of us spent 2 straight hours 'roasting' him, stepping on every last piece of his self-confidence that we could find on the floor.

Turns out, he'd had enough & his father was at my door with an audio recording of what we thought was sublime standup comedy. I felt ashamed but cried victim, pushing the blame back onto him. Tit for tat.

We stopped playing with him after that day. He had become a traitor. I don't know if he found that liberating. And if he did, I can't imagine how fucked up that would be ... feeling happy to finally have no one you can make memories with.

I went abroad and forgot about Roy. Until yesterday when we were packing up and I saw him pass by. Something snapped. Like an ice cube being run down my neck.

As someone who has been through so many changes in the last few years, I felt an urgent need to prove to myself that I'm no longer the person I was years in 2014. I wanted to leave this shithole behind for good.

So I messaged him on Facebook.

Dear Roy,

I won't ask if you remember me because I know you do. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for how I treated you.

There's no explanation. No my side of the story. No excuse. And they weren't just harmless jokes.

I bullied you badly and caused you a lot of pain. Practically ruined your childhood. And I don't know if you're doing better. I hope you are.

You didn't deserve any of the shit I gave you. I did it because I felt powerless myself and needed something to fill that hollow space in my days.

We moved out yesterday & I wanted you to know that I'm aware of my mistakes and although I can't change the past, I am working to heal, both myself and others. I'm part of some NGOs that help poor kids in Majiwada. I do regular activities to put a smile on their faces.

Again, I know this isn't enough or even related but I hope someday you can forgive me. Even if you can't, I understand. And I really wish that you find love, happiness, and peace wherever you go - yes you do deserve those things. I was wrong.

Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

Thanks.

He responded with that "blue thumbs up" icon. That's all. I didn't push it, either. We didn't have a heart-to-heart conversation to go over everything. I'll probably never see him again or know how he turned out to be. It just is.

So did I get my closure? As I unpack in my new room, I'm not sure if it matters anymore. Because I think human relationships are much messier than we let on. You cannot just file them into chapters.

Sometimes they'll end abruptly.

Sometimes they'll reappear again and again, unexpectedly.

And sometimes you'll find new meanings every time you go back to old pages.

More importantly, you cannot just erase the damage you do to people. You cannot say sorry hoping everything will be forgotten and forgiven. The harsh truth about scars is that they never really heal.

But someday someone will look at those scars you caused on people, and madly fall in love with them. Someone will find that pain beautiful. Someone will turn it into a source of strength and love. And you can take the first step towards making that happen - by just saying one word.

GET TO THE POINT- If you think you hurt someone, you're right 9/10 times because we're hardwired for empathy & kindness so the moment we give in to hate, our mind sends us a small hunch. So just say you're sorry. Not "sorry if I hurt you." Not "sorry but it wasn't my intention." Just. Fucking. Sorry. Own what you did. It means everything.

DON'T FORGET IT- Yes, it's best if you repent asap but even if it's 10 years later, admitting to your fuckups is the right thing to do.

DON'T EXPECT AN OK- Your sorry is about you choosing to become better. For the person in front of you, it represents lots of trauma, heavy baggage, and painful memories that they've probably suppressed or internalized. So they may not forgive you or even respond. Please respect their privacy & feelings this time. And move on.

Trust me, this was one of the hardest things I've done as an adult. That said, I think we all did stupid things when we were kids. I think we were all MADE TO DO stupid things by a select few who understood intuitively how war works. I think most of us were a form of entertainment. Puppets. Dogs in a fighting ring. Dogs trying to fit in, or be liked, or just be left alone.

Just realizing how insanely toxic this entire game was ... is probably the most obvious sign that you're growing up. I know I am. I'm actively working to be truer to the kid I was before they took him away from me. And I know it's not going to be some beautiful transformative journey away from my past like they show in the movies.

It'll be ugly, too painful to bear sometimes. Because I'll meet parts of me that I hate. Parts you'd hate if you knew them. Parts that I'd rather not be remembered for. But you know what?

Sometimes, the first step in conquering your demons is accepting that they exist.

That they make you but don't define you. That you have a choice to be kinder, sweeter, warmer. And the only thing that matters is whether you have the courage to make that choice even when the whole world is giving you a billion reasons not to.

Be that one reason everyone needs to heal.