mariske2

[mariske2]

I want to start this off by saying I cannot do it, no matter how much I think about it. I promised people I would always be there for them, and that is what is stopping me from ending it all.

I really just want all the feeling and thinking to stop, I am running out of tears to cry, and I am really tired of trying to be strong. I just want it all to stop. I just want to be a star in the sky, just burning without emotion, just being.

No matter how many times I write this out, it does not get any better. I'm scared I'm getting close to breaking my promise of always being here...

It would be so easy, because I live alone and no one will know until it is too late. No one can get in, unless my land lady lets them in, but she's not here at the moment, and will only be back tomorrow. So if I do it now, I might finally find some peace. Won't that be nice...

[mariske2]

Everyone is hurting and I just want to make it stop! 😭 I feel their pain, I hear it in their voices, I see it in their eyes, I sense it in their texts. I just want to make it all better! 💔💔💔

[mariske2]

“I miss you”

What does it mean when someone says “I miss you”? I see and hear this often from friends and family, and I send it back, because I don’t know what else to say. 

My mind does not work like most people’s. I know what the words mean, but I don’t understand why people say it. I’m still here, they are still, and we talk mostly via Whatsapp and Discord. I don’t understand the concept of missing someone you are pretty much constantly in communication with.

I miss people, but the people I miss are ones that are permanently gone. I miss talking to the people I’ve lost, but that’s the extent of my “I miss you”.

#i miss you #confused #i dont know #thought of the day

[mariske2]

I don't know where the sadness is coming from, but I'm drowning in it. I wish something had happened, then at least I'd have something to blame the sadness on. It's just there, building each day. Nothing I do makes it better. I just want it all to STOP! It's too much.

I keep trying to tell my friends that I'm not okay, but I cannot get the words out. So I post the words here, knowing that none of them will ever see this.

I don't know why it hurts this much...

[mariske2]

2020-05-23

I just want to disappear... I don't want to be alive anymore, because it hurts. Everything just hurts, and it's not like something happened to cause the hurt. It just hurts. And nothing I do keeps the hurt away. Music, series, movies, cutting, it all makes me forget for the time I am doing it, but afterwards it comes back stronger and with more force. I just want to fade into the darkness, into an eternal sleep, where the hurt cannot find me.

[mariske2]

My mind...

There is an island in my mind, but what is on the island, is constantly changing. There are a few constants, like Jesse, Alex, Sam, The Darkness and The Shadows. 

Anyway, currently on the island there is a lighthouse, which Jesse, Alex and Sam are using to try and keep The Darkness and The Shadows at bay. The Darkness and The Shadows are gaining ground and with each passing day they get closer to the lighthouse. I’m scared that once they reach the lighthouse I won’t have the strength to fight them anymore.

Jesse, Alex and Sam are amazing though. They are encouraging, but straight, and they remind me to eat. So at least I am not alone in my mind, fighting the monsters.

I started drawing the lighthouse. I will post it once it is done.

#whats in my mind #mental health

[mariske2]

I recently discovered Icon For Hire on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWCCX3PfK4BUH8E-ImT86AQ) and their music has helped me feel less alone, if that makes sense. I grew up being the one everyone talks to, and because of this I never told people how or what I’m feeling. To this day I have trouble with this. It’s not that I don’t trust the people in my life, it’s that I know what they are going through, and I don’t want to add to the burden they are currently facing.

I honestly just don’t want to be alive anymore. I’ve thought of several ways to end my life, but every time I try to do it, I just see the people I love’s hurt. I’ve been fighting the darkness for so long, and I am tired of fighting...

#icon for hire #hollow #inside my mind #mental health

[mariske2]

Would it really be that awful to fade away...

I’ve been feeling emotional since this weekend, so I decided to draw something to try and get out what I am feeling. This was the result.

#fade away #art #tumblr art #am i okay #feel like garbage #feel like disappearing #original art

[mariske2]

Cursed in love...

We have all thought about what our lives would be like at one stage or another. We think about who we will end up with, what our family will look like, what job we will have, but most of all we wonder about how happy we will be.

My life currently is not what I had imagined. I fell for a beautiful, strong, smart and independent woman, but I cannot be with her. She’s already taken. And now I’m pushing her away. I’ve built up walls that are impossible to tear down, but somehow she managed to get passed the walls. She got me to open up more than I ever have towards anyone and I think that is in part why this is difficult. I’ve put up these walls so I won’t get hurt, but it doesn’t stop you from falling for someone.

I have this curse where I always fall for the people I can never have or I end up with someone I cannot give my all to. I know I can’t keep chasing after her, but I can’t seem to let her go. She is dating a very good friend of mine and they love each other, even when they are arguing. My eyes see it, my mind knows it, but my heart doesn’t want to believe it.

I know what I need to do, but it’s too hard to do...

#CursedLove #love #chaser #friendship #relationship

[mariske2]

Who I am is nothing to be ashamed about…

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything with meaning on here, so I thought today might as well be one of those days.

I watched a video today called For Anyone Who’s Been Told It’s “Just A Phase”, and it struck a chord. I’ve never been called out because of my sexuality, mostly because I’ve never really told anyone. I’ve seen what others do to queer people and that scared me. So I just kept it to myself.

For as long as I can remember I’ve kept this part of myself hidden from the world. I saw how people I looked up to treated others like me and I turned away like a coward. I hid behind a facade of what people wanted me to be, never being true to myself. I was ashamed of who I am…

I’ve heard so many negative things said about queer people, which kept me up at night asking one question: “WHY?!”… Why do people have to be so mean, when it doesn’t even affect them? Why do people want to cause more hurt and harm when there is already so much pain in the world?

Then I met a beautiful woman who took my breath away. My heart starts racing every time I’m near her, yet I feel completely calm. We became friends and for the first time there was someone who didn’t think I was an abomination. We’ve been friends for a few years now and it took me this long to finally be okay with who I am.

#queer #justaphase #beautiful #pain #shame

[mariske2]

Drowning...

Have you ever felt like life is not worth living. I'm currently in that sinking boat. I feel like I should have a warning label permanently attached to my forehead that reads: “Warning!! Being friends with me could result in death.”

In the past three years I have lost 13 people. The latest was my grandmother last week. I've been distancing myself from everyone around me, but I don't know if it is to protect them or myself. If I'm going to live my life alone then I'd like to do it on my own terms. I know this is not fair to other people, but my heart can't handle another coffin. 

I have thought about ending it all. I've thought a lot about it. If I die other people might be safe. Death really looks inviting and easy. Living is hard. Waking up is a daily challenge.

Wish life was a little bit easier...

[mariske2]

[mariske2]

These are awesome!!!

more ob inspired tattoo designs! you can buy the original paintings here! c:

[mariske2]

Being 'perfect'

So everybody expects me to be this perfect christian girl, but I don't know if I am or even if I can be. I've been watching a lot of you tube videos and reading a lot of comments and there are some mean people in the world. Then you go to their page and they say that they are christians, but they don't show it in the way they treat others. The Bible says people will know us through our love for each other, but I don't see that in our society. All I see is people hating on each other and only looking through negative glasses. There is no support for anyone. I'm currently at a loss as to what I believe or how I believe it, but one thing I know to be true is that we were made to love one another. I just wish I could see more of this type of love instead of the ever present hatred. Can't we all just get along? Love your neighbour, be a friend, be more than what society is making us out to be. Do not let the negative chatter around you pull you in. Stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. Show them there is still good in the world. Slowly, but surely, we can make a difference. I still don't know what being 'perfect' is, but I will not stand by and watch as one person destroys another person.