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marta-markblood · 2 years

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"We live and breathe words…. It was books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone."- Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

once again, Will and I match

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marta-markblood · 2 years

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14/16

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marta-markblood · 3 years

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Talented, quiet, yet ready to lay down his life for you, Jem would be a fabulous parabatai.

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marta-markblood · 3 years

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Spring part 2

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marta-markblood · 3 years

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Spring part 1

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marta-markblood · 3 years

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New lives born.

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marta-markblood · 3 years

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Princess Loneliness' Diary

Happy Birthday

I don't blame her for being happy while I'm not, she sings and I cry, my eyes sting, I'm tired. In this moment I can't stand noises around me, my aunt M. talks about futile topics with a friend at the phone; A. speaks with squeaky and unpleasant voice, she sings, she makes noises; grandma complaines in a cointinuous litany. I can't stand noises. The city is alive, so many honk the horn, cars whiz down the street, sellers scream. I just would like to lay unter the sun, in a field, in the silence, to hear the noise of my thoughts and to give them voice once for all. To hear the noise of my heart, that pumps, while his doesn't. I wish I could hear the noise of my blood flowing in my arteries and veins and capillaries to feel alive. I want to be the only noise in a field, with just weed, no birds that tweet happily, 'cause here there's nothing to be happy to. I want to hear the noise of my tears flowing on the face without being pitied or encouraged to keep going on. I already know by myself that I have to go on, I'm strong, I live my life. But strong people too, sometimes, I don't say always, but sometimes they need to cry. I wish I could stay alone, losing myself in my thoughts and then finding myself again. I need the countryside, I need nature, because she knows what's right and what's wrong, she knows this is a thing that goes against her, neither she understands it. I feel guilty because I'm not with my parents and I feel relieved. I don't like abandoning them in such a day as this. But I like living as I want, not forced to see grandparents who want to be pitied. I hate pity. I feel strengthless, I want to lay in a green field and let myself go, to close my eyes, widening my arms and legs, and to scream, cry, sleep, hearing the noise of silence, of loneliness, of lifeblood that connectes me to everything that surrounds me. Everything but him. I never realized how much he was present in my life, too many things recall him to me, things that I didn't notice before. I was sure that the second year would be better that the first, but I was wrong. Today is worst. At the beginning it may seem that he's left for a trip. Now it's clear he'll never coming back. I never thought I could feel such a pain, I thought I reached the top with the death of my grandpa. But this is worst, because it was sudden and innatural and wrong. So wrong. I wish I could scream all these things to the sky, laying in the green field, where I'm alone with the noise of life flowing into me. Just for today. Then I'll be strong as always. But I need it today. Let me grief for one day, freeze daily life to let me say away from everyone. Freeze time for some hours, let me vent, then we all will go back to routines. Try to understand, don't feel surprise if sometimes I crumble.

You're in everything I do. Please, stay always next to me, I'll live for you too the life that you couldn't live. But you stay with me. Always.

22/02/2020

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marta-markblood · 3 years

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Princess Loneliness' Diary

Ghosts

Will ever all of this stop? Will pain's ghost stop torturing me at night? Will memories' ghost? The ghost of a dear face in his eternal bed? It comes when I'm laying in bed, in the darkness, it feels that I'm defensless, it oppresses me; I can't breathe. Another day has gone with this absence, this unbridgeable emptiness. Here it comes the ghost of sense of guilt, too. Should I have spent more time with him, maybe? Should I have told him I loved him? Maybe I did't care about him enough. Or maybe I cared too much, otherwise I wouldn't feel this bad. Now more ghosts have come, ghosts of people he thought he would've seen or heard of on Monday, but Monday never happened, it didn't have time to rise. They're surrounding me, I feel bitterness' tears growing in my eyes, they're about to come out, but I don't want them to. I'm so tired of crying, I just want to sleep. But they keep insisting, they're staring at me, all together, pain's ghost, memories' ghost, the ghost of his face full of bruises, the ghost of sense of guilt, ghosts of friends and relatives. They all stare at me, silent, threatening, who knows what they're thinking about, what do they want from me. But then here it comes a last ghost, it comes later because it's the most ambiguous. The ghost of the last grin that rippled his lips. It doesn't mean anything, my rationality does know it. Yet, deep under, it must have got a meaning. Maybe it tells me that everything is ok, he's lived happily, he spent a good last night and he doesn't regret it, he goes away quietly. But it isn't what we wanted. He did not want it and less that this nor we did. Stop smiling, ghost. Stop it, there's nothing to smile to. Yet, that smile keeps staying, and it stares at me with all the other ghosts. Will ever all of this stop?

14/05/2019

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marta-markblood · 3 years

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It isn't easy, you know,

Even when things seem to be perfect,

Even when someone seems to have the perfect life,

Even there, there is no perfection.

I was always good at school,

I had good and caring parents,

I didn't have money troubles,

Yet, I had so many problems.

My dad, my grandpa, my grandma, my aunt.

But nobody cared, they always thought that it was perfect.

They were jealous of my they-thought-perfection,

But they didn't know what there was behind it,

They didn't know the hard times spent on books,

The hours my parents spent with me to make me feel loved.

It isn't easy, you know

When people look at you in anger

They look at you in hate

Because they don't know what's behind you.

Most of times, to become someone,

You have to know some important people.

If not, they notice your efforts

But can't prize you.

The important ones' children come first.

But you can't stop trying, or they'll win.

I fought, I didn't let them bring me down.

I studied a lot, even if there was that person better than me.

It had to be, or my life would've been meaningless.

But it isn't easy, you know,

It isn't easy trying and trying

Fighting and fighting

And seeing that just a step before the victory

There comes the important child

Who didn't fight as hard as you.

Then, as a cherry on the cake,

There was the tragedy.

I don't know how I managed

Keeping walking, breathing, living.

I don't know where did I find the strength.

The world suddenly stopped,

Or it kept going on but I stopped.

Something broke inside of me, everywhere.

Then I realized that everything had no importance.

Let them give the prize to who ever they wanted,

Let them think whatever they wanted,

Let them look at you and don't understand the emptiness in your eyes.

Nothing mattered anymore.

What a futile fight had been.

It wasn't easy, you know,

The pain is still there,

Is wasn't easy changing in one morning,

It wasn't easy seeing your normal world not being normal anymore.

But you keep going,

You stand up, stronger than ever

'Cause otherwise you fall forever.

You can't lose hope,

One day someone will notice your efforts,

They will recognize your strength

And your passion and your intelligence.

'Cause you're smart and strong,

You are loved and life is a wheel,

All the good and the study you did

They will come up

And you will find your place

Where everybody sees your potential.

It won't be easy, you know,

'Cause there will always be the important one's child

On the road with you,

Always one step in front of you.

But you keep going, on and on,

Until you can breathe,

'Cause if you quit, you lose everything.

It isn't easy, you know,

Living in this world,

With all this misunderstanding people,

Selfish people, corrupted people,

But this is your life, you can't throw it away.

One day, it all will make sense,

'Cause life is a wheel

Even if you know it isn't easy.

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marta-markblood · 3 years

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marta-markblood · 3 years

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marta-markblood · 3 years

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Cypress with sunset-lightened point and moon on the top

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