mashpotatowraps - Tumblr blog

mashpotatowraps · 2 years

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It's been like a year since my last post on here.

I'm still alive, just.

I finally got officially diagnosed with BPD in January. So now my life makes sense and clicked into place.

I got a full time job for 8 months then was fired. Got another job then I quit from there after a month just before I was gonna get fired.

Now I'm somewhere else. Been here 2 weeks. I've had 3 days off. They're deffo gonna fire me. I dont really care.

My mental health is too bad to have a job and that's all there is to it unfortunately. I'm high functioning half the time but the other half I'm awful, which is what causes me to quit or get fired. It is what it is. At least I'm still alive I guess.

#emotions #grief #feelings #neurodivergent #borderline personality disorder #bpd life #bpd #bpd things #being borderline #depression #mentally tired #living with mental illness #personality disorder #loss #heartbreak #victim #survival #survivor

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mashpotatowraps · 2 years

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Being mentally ill is a full time job

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mashpotatowraps · 2 years

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i have no idea what a normal amount of food is

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mashpotatowraps · 2 years

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how can someone feel so much and feel so empty at the same time?

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mashpotatowraps · 2 years

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mashpotatowraps · 2 years

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I was 16 wanting to never wake up. I was 18 never wanting to wake up. I was 20. 21. Now I’m almost 25 and the deeply rooted desire stop the suffering is just as strong. It never ends.

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mashpotatowraps · 2 years

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What if it is too much? What if I can’t take it?

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mashpotatowraps · 3 years

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Dear diary,

I had therapy today. I cried the whole time. She said it was obvious I needed some help. I told her I rang my GP but they had no appointments available. She said she will send me the suicide hotline numbers and information on crises houses.

There is one near me that sounds good. You go there for a week or two and they help you with your mental health. It's an alternative to any NHS based placements like a psychiatric unit or anything. I don't know. It sounds good but I'm too nervous and I'd be embarrassed to have to check in somewhere for my mental health.

Call it my paranoia, but I just know everyone in my boyfriends family would be talking about me like I'm some random person they knew from across the street who they could slag off. With that kind of energy around me, I don't think I'd be able to heal. Paranoia at it's best.

I ended my video call and just cried and cried and cried. Great. Probably be stuck with a horrible headache for days again. How fun.

I'm going back to bed now to try and beat it and then wake up and walk my dog. I've not walked anywhere in days other than walking my dog round the block. We both need a decent walk to help clear my mind.

I'm sick of these images of slashing my wrists or walking into traffic or taking all of my antidepressants at once. I just wish they would go away. I've had enough.

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mashpotatowraps · 3 years

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Dear diary,

I feel knocked off my feet. I can't breathe. I'm just sat here on the sofa playing a game and suddenly the most intense suicidal thoughts entered my brain and I'm battling so hard to get rid of them. I keep holding my breathe hoping it will help. I'm crying now. I'm just sat here slowly crying, taking deep breathes while my boyfriends getting ready upstairs for us to take the dog out.

I don't know what I'm meant to do. It's got so much worse out of the blue. Before, it was passive suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation. Now it's consuming my brain.

I have therapy tomorrow thank god. Hopefully she can help me.

#depression #living with mental illness #living with anxiety #living with depression #suicidal

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mashpotatowraps · 3 years

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Dear diary,

I did 25000 steps yesterday. My feet are sore.

It no longer seems to be working. I can't get rid of this nagging thought that I want to kill myself. And there is a lot of stress in my life currently making things much worse. I dont know what to do.

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mashpotatowraps · 3 years

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Dear diary,

I went back to the fields I love so much again today. I got my steps and then some when I did a walk at night too. There's the new addition of cows in my favourite fields. This makes me happy to see more animals there for me to talk to.

It was a beautiful day. It was mild and the sun was setting as I walked and walked and walked and my dog ran across the fields.

I'm home now and have spent the last few hours cleaning the house to try make myself feel better. It hasn't worked. My dinner is in the oven and I got myself some chocolate biscuits from the shop. I'm only going to have a few and they're within my daily calories so it's fine anyway.

I feel so drained today. Nothing new is it really though. My throat is sore from the wind and lack of water I've had today. I just wish dinner would hurry up as I've not eaten much again today. I never do.

Sure if addicted to food, but only the sweet kind. When it comes to actual meals, I can't remember the last time I had breakfast, I always have lunch around 3pm as my first meal and then dinner at around 10pm. Never anything big. I just don't get hungry for things that aren't sweet.

My aim with getting the biscuits is to be able to have something sweet in the house, that's mine, that I know I can eat whenever I want, but will make sure I don't just eat them all. That's the main struggle but I have to get over the first hurdle. Otherwise I'll never be able to gain self control.

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mashpotatowraps · 3 years

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Dear diary,

I didn't go out today. I've decided to take Sundays as my day off. I did a little walk with the dog but spent most of the day in bed resting my legs and sleeping my sorrows away.

Tomorrow I'm going to try my best to do a long walk in the morning, but we will see. I always manage to do a nice long walk in the afternoon but I'd like to try and get a morning one in as well. I just don't have the strength or motivation to be awake for that long.

Being awake and bored when you want to kill yourself is hard and useless. Especially when everything bores you or brings you no joy so you just spend the waking hours sitting there, staring at the things that you used to do to keep you occupied and wondering how you used to enjoy them. Now they just seem so boring and dull.

Maybe one day I'll get my passion back but for now, it is well and truly dead. The only thing keeping me going is the scenery on these walks, and the feeling of being free with nature.

I need to make myself do a morning walk. Hopefully I can drag myself out of bed for long enough.

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mashpotatowraps · 3 years

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Dear diary,

It went away in the end. The headache subsided after a night of restless sleep. I even went to bed early to help it but I still had no luck sleeping for long.

My tongue feels disgusting as I've somehow managed to continuously burn it on 3 meals in a row, in some sort of bad luck cycle of magically sizzling foods.

Anyway, I've felt slightly better today. We did a walk but not the farm one. We went on a different regular walk we usually do, round some fields, down a trail and into the next village. Managed to hit my 10,000 by doing a late night walk round the village.

I broke my no sweets or chocolates rule tonight. I was on day 6. I feel disappointed in myself but also, not really. That's a long time for someone to go who has a sugar addiction and usually eats it every night. I've decided to treat myself to something sweet every Saturday so that I have something to look forward to instead of nothing.

I just hope I'm able to control myself. I guess we will see!

Anyway, I better try and get some sleep as tomorrow's just another day of walking. Hopefully I have decent sleep with no nightmares or weird dreams.

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mashpotatowraps · 3 years

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Dear diary,

I'm in so much pain today. Yesterday I had therapy and I cried alot and have been recovering since.

My head feels so sore like I've been smashed up a wall, and I've had a huge headache since yesterday. I'm so tired. I've had hardly any sleep and everything is a little blurry. My eyes are sore. My neighbours are loud. I'm fed up.

My body is exhausted from doing all this walking on no fuel as there is hardly any food in my house to give me energy before a walk.

I just need time to speed up so it can be Wednesday and my food shopping arrives. I'm so hungry.

Anyway, I'm going to try and get back to sleep and hopefully remove this headache.

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mashpotatowraps · 3 years

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Dear diary,

I'm in bed earlier than usual today. I'm so tired. More than normal. I'm exhausted. But I must keep walking through those fields or I'll end up doing something stupid and I don't want to.

Tomorrow I'm going to walk through them alone after therapy. Hopefully it helps. Feeling the wind on my face and in my lungs makes me feel awake enough and takes away my thoughts for long enough to feel like I could survive a bit longer.

Not that anyone knows this. They just think I'm weird and like to walk through the same fields every day. But I don't expect them to understand.

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mashpotatowraps · 3 years

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all i do is listen to music and dissociate from reality

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mashpotatowraps · 3 years

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