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meher-sumedha · 1 year

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Chapter 1: The End of All that Was

Pity is for those who have lost.

He cannot lose Nesta.

There is not a universe he can fathom where he does not belong to her.

Cassian handles their breakup like a champ.

AO3

Warning: Cassian is a creep here-manipulation, stalking, the gamut

It takes weeks before Cassian begins to understand why she left. And if that isn't symbolic of their relationship he doesn't know what is.

Nesta knowing better, being better, as he trots behind. Coated in the arrogance of ignorance, always righteous until he's not, always catching the rhythm a beat too late.

***

He is a goner from their first meeting, leaning against the bedecked wall, grin growing as he watches her rip apart Rhysand's familiar monologue bemoaning the generous Christmas holidays he offers his workers (mostly under pressure from himself and Azriel).

She takes apart his brother's feeble justifications with the precision of a surgeon, irate expression contrasting beautifully with the festive and absolutely horrendous confection of lights and yarn she is wearing.

She is bewitching.

He waits, nursing his drink, quiet for once just watching, eager for a chance to introduce himself.

He is enthralled.

***

It takes three encounters to get her number and an embarrassingly sincere drunk confession to obtain a date.

Then in pieces, in the compounding fragments of the trust he earns, they become a pair.

Their relationship, his life's great love affair had always been loud. Screaming, fighting, laughing, fucking. Always wild, careless in their abandon, in their feckless behaviour as they jumped off the cliff, intertwined.

So why was Nesta's departure so quiet?

The muted rolling of a suitcase on carpet barely disturbing him from sleep, the ring left to catch morning light on the side table until he'd cops it on his way to work and rolls his eyes. Nesta is in a huff and he is indignant, ready to whinge to Azriel.

It's six months later, on their anniversary, that he sees Nesta's ending wasn't quiet.

He just wasn't listening.

***

It takes three days for him to realise she isn't coming back.

Convinced she'll return with the bang of a door, with sharp words he'll take and worse ones he'll offer in return, that after some makeup sex the ring will be home on her finger and he'll be thumbing through a wedding magazine before bed.

This misplaced confidence keeps him from calling. To let her cool off. Leads him to saunter to the apartment door Saturday morning only donning grey joggers. Wanting the upper hand, wanting to see Nesta flush so prettily and clench her jaw tightly, seeing right through his feeble tactics.

Gwyn and Emerie, stony faces and empty cardboard boxes in hand, become a live audience to the destruction of his world.

He stands stunned, head reeling as Nesta is removed from their apartment. He finds himself carrying out boxes of her books. All he wants is to take it all back, slam the door in their faces like a child because she can't just do this. But more importantly he needs to find Nesta. So a willing pack horse he becomes, trying to wheedle information from Gwyn.

His voice shaking, tears gathering, bile rising in his throat.

"Do you know where she is?"

A nod.

"Will you tell me please Gwyn?"

Her red curls shake, a strong refusal.

"I didn't realise she was being serious, I swear."

Gwyn stops in her tracks, head turning sharply to bestow a look that calls him an idiot in five languages.

***

When his house is emptied of anything that is her, anything he could not save, he returns to the ring still on the sidetable despite him begging Gwyn and Emerie to return it to Nesta.

It is the only time they look upon him with an ounce of pity which only makes it worse. Pity is for those who have lost. He cannot lose Nesta. There is not a universe he can fathom where he does not belong to her.

The ring he cradles in battered hands amidst shattered glass and splintered oak.

His blood an artful, awful, Pollackesque smattering over the mess.

Flimsy furnishings seeming a small casualty when his heart is now a necrotic organ burning in his chest.

The ring he picked,

with a white dress,

a honeymoon in Paris,

the rest of their life, in mind.

A silent killing blow.

***

One last blazing row the night before.

Cuts landing too deep this time.

The final fragment of a trust he'd once treasured sacredly, spent so terribly,

"Who the fuck could stand you Nesta when I can't?"

It makes his stomach turn with sickening guilt. He would stitch those words into his skin with wire rather than say them to her now.

He'd like to think he's a different man, maybe a better one, but that's up to her.

She's the only deity he wants to weigh his soul.

He'll come up wanting.

But maybe...

Maybe she'd look at him.

Face him.

Let him burn alive in the grey fire of her glare.

He would delight in his damnation to have her look at him once more.

***

Saturday is a haze. Rhys and Az try to coax him out to no avail. His pain is raw. Anger, frustration, desperation a tumour growing unchecked in his chest. The broken sidetable now had a broken vase, two pictures frames and three tumblers to match it.

She isn't answering his calls, vision blurry from tears and drink, the blue light of his phone is the only thing he can focus on in a world that is swimming. Her contact, Nes 🖤, a beacon a wavering light keeping him from going under.

She isn't answering his calls and so the voicemails begin.

"I have your ring. Sweetheart I'm not taking that back. It's yours. I'm yours... Nesta please just talk to me. I'm sorry about Wednesday night. Come back and we can talk."

Beep.

"What is this about Nes? We fight rough, always have baby. I'll do anything, say anything, get you anything you want just please Nes don't do this. We can get a fucking dog. I swear. We'll move to a different apartment. We can open a fucking dog hotel if that is what you want just.."

Beep.

"Tell me you're safe. Please. I'm going out of my mind here. I love you. More than anything."

Beep.

"Mor was right, you know you're such a fucking bitch sometimes. I'm trying to apologise when you left without a word. Fuck you sweetheart."

Beep.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That came out wrong, I didn't mean it, just I..I'm beginning to think you're not coming back to me. This isn't goodbye Nes right? Right?"

Beep.

"Just punish me in person, I'll grovel for you Nes, you know that..........It's just a break. It's just a break. That's okay sweetheart you can have it all. Anything you want. Just talk to me first. Talk to me."

Beep.

"I love you. More than anyone else ever has, will or can. Just. If you're going to shred my heart. Do it in person. Do it in person and I'll walk away. Otherwise I'm going to fight you tooth and fucking nail love."

Beep.

The last voicemail a gauntlet thrown by a drunk fool. A sealing of their fate.

***

She arrives on Sunday. Suitable for it to be a holy day if this is his last visit from his god.

He is relieved to see her. Drunken promises of walking away temporarily forgotten. She had texted him an hour before to let him know she was on her way. Giving him time to put the house back in order, air out the smell of alcohol, sweat and despair. He's in his nicest jeans, hair tied in a low bun just how she likes. In the bedroom he has candles and rose petals, ready to worship her.

He wants to remind her she loves him, or she at least she did once.

Purple is painted in the hollows under her eyes, a slight tremor in her hand, greasy hair falling limply around her drawn face. She looks terrible and still the most stunning person he knows.

He's done this.

He'd rather Az pummel him in the ring than see her like this.The aching in his chest makes it hard to breathe. He's made a mistake forcing her hand.

She looks around, avoiding his gaze, eyebrows raising slightly at the very absent sidetable.

She'd been so happy when they found that at old flea market off Washington St. when they first moved in together. He should have thought of that before he left it in splinters.

"There was an accident. I fell, you know how clumsy I get Nes. The table never stood a chance."

Her eyes land on him, and now it's him that can't bear to look, hand rubbing on his neck nervously, focusing on his white socks.

The silence is choking him.

"It's okay. It's okay. We'll get one just like it. I'll check Ebay. I'll ask Amren, she prowls around all the good antique shops. I'll make a replica if I have to. Lucien knows an excellent carpenter. I can fix it Nes. I promise."

He can fix it. He can fix this.

He meets her gaze and wants to vomit.

She looking at him with care, tears running down her face, voice barely audible.

"Cassian. We can't be fixed."

He can't think, he can't breathe, the world is on its axis and she's going to leave. The distance between them has vanished, he's on his knees, soft carpet beneath them a luxury he does not deserve, burying his face in the cotton of her tshirt hands wrapped around her waist.

"No. Nes, no. You can't do that. You can't leave. I'm going to convince you to stay. That's why you're here. You want to stay. I love you. I love you. I love you. I can't be without you."

Pulling his hands from her waist she kneels beside him, caressing his face.

"I'm here to end it in person like you asked."

Her voice and his heart break simultaneously.

'I love you too Cassian. But love is not enough. I can't live like this anymore. On a pedastal at home while you ignore how I'm treated by your friends."

The words friends is spat out.

'You either worship me or we're fighting. So much fighting. Aren't you tired? I'm so tired Cassian. I need more. I need to be by myself for a while. I need someone who doesn't live at work. I need someone you're not Cas."

This is what hell feels like. He's being excommunicated for his sins. She's even doing it in person. His god, so cruel and alluring.

"I'm leaving now Cas. I'm moving away for a while. A clean break will be good for us. You'll thank me for doing this one day."

She let's out something that an alien might count as a laugh. Nervous and watery, choked and uncertain.

"I'll never thank you for this Nes."

She leaves.

He's still kneeling hours later her words a painful, unending echo in his mind.

***

He doesn't go out much now and drinking himself numb in this empty apartment is not who he is anymore.

He doesn't drink often but on their anniversary he let's himself drown in rum, in albums, in the box of her stuff he managed to keep after Gwyn and Emerie cleared house.

He cries into that stupid fucking Christmas jumper.

He sprays her bottle of perfume, letting the vanilla, blackberry, sage sink into the air, a ghostly embrace. Sitting amidst his shrine to her he allows himself to reflect.

Regret every overlooked sneer and snide comment. He doesn't see any of his friends, his brothers anymore. Nesta doesn't like them.

Rue every time he came home late, missed a date, was too tired to talk. He has a new job now, remote with flexible hours. It pays less but he still has his stocks and the nest egg he built breaking his back working for over a decade.

Rhys was frantic to keep him on. Bullshit talk about how he was spiralling, how she wasn't worth it. Punching that remark from his mouth, in front of the board, forced his termination quite effectively.

He has enough for Nesta to retire in the morning. He has enough to buy that fancy brie she likes, and handpainted books, and enough jewellery to fill a small store. He has enough to stay beside her so she won't have to miss him.

He's even bigger now, all his free time spent in the gym, ignoring how eating so much protein makes him feel. She always liked feeling safe in his arms.

He's read all her books. Found her goodreads and follows it like his gospel. Has watched every show, every podcast she consumed on their accounts. He'll share all her likes. He'll never fight her on anything.

Once he earns her forgiveness they can be happy again.

***

She's coming back to town next month. A flying visit apparently. He's going to change that.

His chance is coming to show her how much better is.

The type of man she needs. The type she'll never leave.

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meher-sumedha · 1 year

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Gwynriel something maybe?

Azriel was never the one to indulge himself in the enigma that his brothers called "love". He felt that it was a waste of time, and instead of falling in love there were so many other things you could do.

You could fuck a different girl every weekend. Drink as much as you want without giving a fuck about your liver. You could probably kill yourself and absolutely no one would care.

Maybe the last part wasn't that appealing. Maybe it was what kept him up at night. That no one in this world truly loves him, not in the way he wanted anyways.

He had an amazing family. Though they were not connected by blood, they were connected in every way that mattered.

He was currently in his last year of residency. At the moment he was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about 'how it could have been if he too had found someone he loved.'

But he had found someone whom he loved, terribly and deeply.

He knew he had fallen in love with her the moment she gave him his first friendship bracelet. Knew that if he had not run way, they would still be together. They might even be engaged. If only he had stayed and worked hard enough towards their relationship when things got tough instead of destroying it completely so that no remnants of it remained.

But those remnants never erased themselves. Not now. Not 2 years later after breaking her heart so that she would never return to him and live her own life happily.

But he knew that was not what he desired. It was just the whiskey in his blood speaking. He was not an alcoholic persay. Neither did he like to cry or punch walls to express his emotions. He simply needed an outlet every once in a while and found that whiskey was his gateway to heaven.

He knew he shouldn't have drunk so much and that he'd regret it in his family lunch tomorrow. The lunch at which Cassian would announce his engagement to Nesta officially. He'd regret it when he won't be able to fake his way through his day because he just didn't have the energy.

Aside from the times he was drunk, Azriel never regretted his decisions. His decision to focus on himself and his education because he believed that a relationship was not more important than his degree.

But what if it was?

What if she was the key to making him happy? Of giving him that happiness of simply being in her presence, something he hadn't felt at all in the past few years.

Azriel shook his head and got up from his bed. He immediately regretted his decision of getting up too fast as the world around him rotated. He reminded himself that he had graduated at the top of his class, he was an emergency surgeon in the Columbia University Medical Centre, and he worked damn hard for it too.

What if she's there too? A part of his mind whispered.

The thought of seeing Gwyn there brought a smile to his face, even when he didn't like it. He knew that she had only become more intelligent, smart, kind, beautiful.

Stop it. He reminded himself.

He didn't need anyone in his life. He was perfectly content. Working all day long so that he'd be so tired till night came, that he wouldn't have the energy to think about anything else.

Especially not her.

So Azriel went to the washroom and washed his face. He took of all his clothes and went to sleep, dreaming about the only woman who managed to plague his mind.

....

"Azriel," someone shook him. "Azriel," someone said again. "AZRIEL," someone threw him on the floor.

Azriel got up with a groan and his head pounding. He blinked against the bright light of his room and saw a figure standing in the middle of it.

"Cassian?" He asked, trying to cover his eyes.

"Rise and Shine sunshine because WE'RE ALREADY LATE TO MY ENGAGEMENT LUNCH AND YOU STILL AREN'T READY!" Cassian said throwing Azriel's suit at him

Engagement? Cassian? Wait what day was it.

oh. fuck.

Azriel immediately started wearing his 2 piece suit and Cassian tied his tie, all the while telling him in a hundred different ways of how Nesta would have him by his balls if they were even a second late.

They got in the car and Cassian started driving away before muttering another word.

finally some silence.

"Are you drunk?" the dipshit spoke again.

just one moment of silence. that's all I need. maybe i'll answer him and he won't ask me anything again.

"no. I'm hungover, there's a difference, " he replied.

there was a beat of silence before cassian spoke again, "Is it because of her?" a small grin on his face.

yes.

"No." Azriel replied, pronouncing each syllable.

They arrived to their destination in 30 minutes, with exactly one minute to spare.

After greeting everyone, Azriel thought he'd finally find some solace, as he took his seat besides emerie, giving her a small smile.

But the smile she returned was nothing sort of amused. She then looked somewhere else and Azriel followed her gaze to his ex currently sitting in front of him conversing with the girl because of whom they broke up.

oh fuck.

#gwynriel #gwynriel hc #is this fandom still alive?

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meher-sumedha · 2 years

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Gwynriel Week Day 7 : Anythingg

@gwynrielweek2022

Aaaaas we had the choice to do anything for today, it was small “remix” of lyrics of a song I prepared a long time ago about how Gwyn was feeling about the necklace situation. It’s tune is the same as this song -

Here are the lyrics :

He told me that he loved my at the toppest mountain. He told me that he loved me and he didn't love Elain. And that was really lovely cause it was innocent. But now he's got a cup with something else in it.

It's getting kinda blurry at a quarter past ten. And he was in the hurry to be touching her skin. He's feeling kind of dirty when he's dancing with Elain. Forgetting what he told me by the toppest mountain.

Now he's grabbing her hips, and pulling her in. Kissing her lips, and whispering in her ear and he knows that he shouldn't but he still does it. He knows he should've been with me at the top of the mountain.

He couldn't be at home in the night time because. It made him feel alone and at that time he was alone, he was alone. I wasn't there with him at the mountain for once. And I regret it with so much but there's not a thing I can do now, nothing I can do now.

But if he ever goes back to the toppest mountain. Our house, it will be broken and there's nothing in it. My hands would never be able to rebuilt it, But my heart, it will be open and i'll try to give it.

Now he's grabbing my hips. And pulling me in. Kissing my lips, and whispering in my ear and I know that it's only a wish, and that he'd always fall for a girl like Elain.

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meher-sumedha · 2 years

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Gwynriel Week Day 6 : Mates

@gwynrielweek2022

Gwynriel are mates, we know it; you know it, shut up.

I really want this song to be sung by Gwynriel at their mating ceremony cause it’s just so amazing. It expresses their love in a beautiful way and I just want them to be both mesmerised by each other’s voices

#azriel #az #gwynriel #gwyneth berdara #shadowsinger #gwyn #gwyneth #acotar #acosf #incorrect acotar quotes #gwynriel week #gwynriel week 2022 #happy gwynriel week #gwynriel fluff #gwynriel supremecy #azgwyn #gwyn x az #az x gwyn #Spotify

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meher-sumedha · 2 years

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Gwynriel Week Day 5 : Future Theories

Soo 5 Gwynriel future theories for the 5th day of Gwynriel week.

@gwynrielweek2022

1. The necklace theory :

I really do want the necklace to cause some problems cause I love me some drama. Though Gwyn is an unproblematic queen, she will not take shit such as being regifted a rejected gift. She will straight out not talk to Azriel and make him work for her forgiveness. And Azriel who’s unknowingly in love with Gwyn, doesn’t know what’s making him seek for her forgiveness but he doesn’t give up until he gets it.

2. Going to Velaris :

I honestly want Az to be the first one to take Gwyn to Velaris. I just want him to be amazed by her happiness, cause it’s contagious. I also think Gwyn would choose him to take her as she wants to make progress, but she doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

3. Defeating Koschei :

I do think that SJM is gonna sideline feysand and nessian in the next book, especially feysand as they’ve already gotten two books. I think that she would make gwynriel the main protagonists as our spies would make an amazing team and would definitely be able to defeat a death lord.

4. Mating Ceremony :

Gwynriel’s mating ceremony is gonna have only the important members of Velaris present. And we all know that their hands are gonna be bonded together by the ribbon that Gwyn cut through during training😌

5. Gwynriel Kids :

I don’t think so they’ll be having kids anytime soon but if they do, I’m confused of what gender they’ll be. Gwyn gives of an amazing Boy mom vibes but I feel like Azriel secretly wants a girl more cause he would protect her with all his life and he would be an amazing dad to her.

So that’s it folks, those are my future Gwynriel theories. I hope you like em’.

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meher-sumedha · 2 years

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Gwynriel Week Day 4 - Hero x Villain AU : Guilty Pleasure

Synopsis : Gwynriel modern hero x villain au, in which Gwyn is a hero and Azriel is the villain. They both like each other but would never admit it. But when Azriel found out Gwyn's secret, his cold heart melted for her but raged to destroy those who caused her that pain. Would Gwyn let him help her or not? A oneshot with fluff and comfort.

@gwynrielweek2022

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Azriel and Gwyn had been fighting for about an hour. Azriel knew something was wrong the moment Gwyn stepped into the alley. He also knew what it was. He'd been there to witness it.

"I can keep you safe. They're all afraid of me," Azriel supposed, with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

"No," Gwyn replied in an instant, while still sitting on the ground staring at her red knuckles on her right hand, completely bruised from their fight.

Azriel sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Why do you have to be so stubborn," he grumbled as he sat on the bare road with her, taking his knife out of the inner pocket of his black suit.. and started cleaning Gwyn's hand with it.

"I'm not stubborn," Gwyn replied but her voice was small, scared, unlike the fearful and dangerous valkyrie he knew.

Azriel continued, ignoring Gwyn's obvious lie, "I broke my rules for you, I'm breaking them right now, doesn't that mean anything?"

Gwyn scoffed and rolled her eyes in the way he loved, and said dramatically, "Oh I so hoped that I'd be the one you break your rules for my prince."

A small smile graced Azriel's lips at Gwyn's retort. He loved her little retorts, her laugh, her smile and basically everything she did. She was the only guilty pleasure he allowed himself to enjoy.

But he reminded himself of what they were talking about, and the smile fell from his face. "They couldn't protect you," he whispered, forcing her teal eyes to look in his.

Their faces were so close that if one of them moved an inch, their lips would touch. They both wanted to move that inch.

Azriel tugged a strand of Gwyn's auburn hair behind her ear and held her neck and uttered, "You save everyone, but who saves you?"

A tear passed from Gwyn's eyes as she said, "I don't deserve to be saved."

Azriel lightly kissed Gwyn's forehead and touches his forehead with hers. "If you don't deserve to be saved, then I don't think anyone in this world does."

Gwyn looks at his hands still holding his and just couldn't help but trusting him, even if he's the most wanted villain in the world.

Gwyn smiled sadly and concluded, “Your hands are scarred from murder, and yet I completely trust them.”

Azriel let the words sink in his heart. His bones. His skin. And at that moment he knew, that he wouldn’t be able to survive if anything hurt her ever again.

“Gwyn,” he gulped. “Do you think I’d let anything happen to you?”

Gwyn looked into his eyes with hope in hers, “No,” she lamented. “You wouldn’t.”

“Then let me keep you safe. Be my partner. We could be the best team this world has ever seen. And nothing would ever hurt you, again,” Azriel said the words in a hurry, contempt that he’d finally said them after months of thinking.

Gwyn grinned and asked, “How many times have you practiced saying that to me?”

A tint of pink crept up Azriel’s cheeks, “Thinking of you is a poison I drink often.”

“I thought you didn’t need to resort to poetry?” Gwyn smirked.

“For you I’d do anything.” Azriel said with a small smile.

Gwyn sucked in a long breath. She was silent for god knows how long. But then she released that breath and said, “Yes.”

Azriel’s eyebrows shot up to his forehead.

“I’ll be your partner.” And without letting Azriel reply, she pressed her lips against his.

#azriel #az #gwynriel #gwyneth berdara #shadowsinger #gwyn #gwyneth #acotar #acosf #incorrect acotar quotes #gwynriel week #happy gwynriel week #gwynriel week 2022 #gwynriel fluff #azriel shadowsinger #azgwyn #gwynriel headcanon #gwynriel au #gwynriel comfort

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meher-sumedha · 2 years

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Gwynriel Fanfic - I think I lost our bet

Chapter 7 : Feelings

Chapter Synopsis : Gwyn and Az simping for each other. It’s a slow burn people y’all are gonna have to wait, a lot. I’m gonna give you breadcrumbs. ✨✨But dw we get some action...in the next chapter.

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Gwyn looked away from his capturing gaze. “Nothing,” she wiped her eyes. “just a bad day,” she lied.

Azriel wanted to push her further. Gwyn wanted someone to push her further. She wanted to tell someone what she was feeling.

I wanted to ask more.

I wanted to tell you.

Gwyn slowly got up and Azriel stopped leaning on her. Immediately feeling the disappointment when Gwyn’s scent wasn’t clouding his senses.

Gwyn just looked down at her hands and started fidgeting with them, playing with her non existent nails. A habit of hers she employed when she was nervous.

Why are you nervous?

I should stop being nervous.

Gwyn took a deep breath in and mumbled, “What are we doing Az?”

Azriel was surprised by the boldness of her question. He knew it was coming, it was only the matter of when.

Azriel sighed and ran his hand through his head.

Say something.

I don’t know what to say.

“Az,” Gwyn whispered, her voice so low that if Azriel wasn’t fae he wouldn’t have been able to hear her. She still wouldn’t look him in the eyes.

Look at me please.

“I want you to touch me.” She said, her voice not hesitating.

Azriel tried to hide his emotions but couldn’t help widening his eyes a bit. He tried to think but his mind was completely blank. But he wanted to know if his definition of touching was the same as hers?

“Do you mean like touch you touch you or just touch you?” Azriel spoke rapidly.

I’ve never said so many words in a sentence.

I’ve never heard him speak so much in one go.

Gwyn finally looked up, a small blush on her cheeks and a small smile on her face.

I made her blush.

I made her smile.

I made her blush.

I made her smile.

The words repeated themselves in Azriel’s mind, and they soothed him, calmed him. A grin broke out of Azriel’s face, the tension now non-existent.

Azriel raised his eyebrow in an almost comical way. “So what’s it gonna be valkyrie?”

And Gwyn chuckled. He could see her trying to hide her smile and blush but loved the fact that she failed.

But then she looked upto him like the brave valkyrie she was, and smirked, “I just want you to touch me shadowsinger. Run your hands all over my body, you know. Touch my ass, my breasts, anything you want. If you’re able to fathom some control, I’d like to be dressed, for now.”

Azriel was surprised by the boldness of her words, but he was never to back down from a challenge. “So shall we get started valkyrie?

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