melancholy-journal
The Void™
A place to put my thoughts Side blog☽ ♡ ☾ Trigger warning
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My cat of 16 years, my best friend, is dying. She has bladder cancer and our vet said she has about a month or so left. The cancer has progressed significantly and the tumor is taking up 3/4th of her bladder now. She is peeing blood and drinking a lot more than usual. We have her on pain medicine to help her through this time but I'm really just trying to spend as much time with her as I can, while I can. She is the best cat ever and I sincerely don't know what I'm going to do without her. I don't know how to live without her in my life.
02.21.24
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It’s like your arm is cut off- and you’re bleeding— but your using your other arm to reach for others, to help them instead of taking care of yourself.
- Something my therapist said to me today
4/17/18
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Warm bath, dim lighting, the gentle tumble of the dryer outside the door and a Valium in my system. What could possibly go wrong.
02.15.24
#a part of me wish I would just fucking die already the other part knows that this too shall pass. it doesn't make it hurt any less tho.#bpd#ptsd#cptsd#depression#anxiety#ocd#personal#mental illness#venting#mental health
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I expected more from today, but I guess that's my own fault. Thats not to say I'm not grateful for what today had in store for me but I was expecting more. When will I learn to stop that.
02.15.24
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Gott vent into the void.
I recently started college. I'm in my late 20's so I'm not exactly fresh out of school. I am trying my best. I have learning disabilities though, which are starting to prove an issue. I know I need to reach out and just ask for help and I will, that's not what this is about.
This is about my first actual fuck up in school. I've been doing well in my classes. Until now. In my English class I forgot to submit a paper on time. The teacher I have, well to be honest, he's kind of an asshole. He has in his syllabus that he won't accept them late. Which honestly is bullshit. Every other teacher has a policy of "if it's late I'm deducting points" but not a flat out fucking 0. So I'm upset about that. I've been awake for about an hour stewing in the fact that I'm getting my first (and I would love to say my only ever but who knows) F. And I hate that. I hate it so much. It makes me so mad and I hate that he won't just deduct a couple points. I'm the kind of person who when receiving negative feedback I shut down. I'm trying to cope ahead and remind myself that one 0 isn't the end of the world, that it will be okay. I just need to get a C average. That's it. I just need to scrape by in this fucking class. I also get mad because for my degree this class isn't necessarily helpful. So then to me it feels like a waste of my time. Oh also I'm stressed the fuck out because I have to write a 3-5 page personal essay and I've never done that before so I'm really just winging it and hoping that I can get some kind of passing grade on it.
Like I said before I've been away for an hour or so, I took a Lunesta but yet here I am, wide awake. I'm not suppose to take other sleeping stuff with it cus you could like, die. But I'm so tempted to just take a little bit of something just to let me sleep for a few more hours. I'm so fucking tired of being tired and can I just say I worked really had on that fucking paper he isn't going to accept and it's all for fucking nothing. I hate wasting my time. I'm honestly about to just write all the papers in a short span and submit them all the second the inbox opens. I'm really fucking mad about this guys 😤🫠
02.12.2024
#school#college#bpd#insomnia#CPTSD#ptsd#personal#mental illness#venting#mental health#autism#autistic#adhd#add
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does anyone else feel weird & not good or is it just me
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“you’re so sensitive” i was born with a poet’s soul. bitch
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The psych ward was fun until I realized it was the psych ward.
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She said she was irritable. I spoke about something. She spoke about something else, I asked her not to. She got quiet and passive aggressive. I said I would be in the other room, that I don't mean to make her mad. She said she wasn't, but that me saying she was was making her angry. She raised her voice. I left the room. Sat in the living room for a bit. Hit my head with my hand, clawed at my leg. I folded some laundry then felt like I had to get out. So I left, not far. Just outside to smoke. I wonder if she will come out to check on me. I wonder how long it would take for her to apologize. I didn't do anything wrong. Part of me wants to stay out here until she realizes I'm gone, but the other part just wants to go back inside and go to sleep.
Oh, merry Christmas.
12.25.23
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I met some of my wife's friends and because it was a group I told her it was okay to tell them that I'm autistic cus sometimes I'm not great in those settings and my guy.. they treated me like I was incapable of being around people.
I'm just kind of awkward and quiet sometimes- I'm still quick witted and able to socialize. They acted surprised at my social ability, since then I told her not to tell people, that if anything just tell people I have social anxiety at least then they won't treat me differently- and they haven't.
I haven't told anyone other than my closest friends about it since. My friends didn't care, they haven't spoken to me differently, they just said okay and thank you for letting me know and we continued on like normal.
Anyway, if someone tells you they're autistic just say okay and continue on. Don't treat them like a kid, it's condescending and rude.
12.11.23
#sorry got really mad about being treated like a kid because of my autism#this happened like 2 months ago btw and I just randomly thought about it and got mad.#autism#mental health#disability#disabilities#autistic#actually autistic
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Today was shitty. I got fired for attendance on the same day I hand in my disability papers. What a funny coincidence.
11.20.2023
#I'm just so tired man.#if I died then I could just be done#really thinking about ''it'' rn and weighing the pros and cons of being alive#suicidal#depression#anxiety#bpd
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I literally feel so fucking undesirable and I hate that.
It makes me feel so lonely and expressing this does nothing. I dare bring up sex then I'm in the wrong it feels. All I want is to feel wanted and I'm not getting that. It just really fucking sucks.
10.15.2023
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Ah yes, t's that time of night-- the time were I think about blowing my brains out against the fucking wall.
10.08.23
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Literally have no right to be upset over something so minuscule but here I am 🫠
10.08.23
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I just got a new job, and it pays well enough (19 usd) but my god am I *dreading* the thought of starting work again. I literally hate having a job, and it's not even that I'm lazy, it's that I'm unconventional and I don't like being told what to do and when to get up and how long I have to be outside of my comfort zone (apartment).
I just want to stay home and cook and clean and be with our cat and make art.. but that doesn't make money :/
I'm trying not to go into this with a bad attitude but it's hard for me not to when I'm dreading it so much.
Uhggggggggg 😩
#work#bpd#ptsd#personal#mental illness#ocd#agoraphobia#autism#asd#venting#depression#anxiety#panic disorder
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it's not overreacting, we all have different sensitivity. if it hurts, it hurts.
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