A Farewell For Now
Hello All! I've been working on this final post for a little bit, and well. I think I'm ready today. It's why I cleared out my inbox so much, and why I have been so distant (which was a really good, healthy experience for me actually).
But I'm not ready to leave syscourse fully. I still have a lot to say about it. So, here it is - my big, final post.
For those not interested in my big long post, but wondering what's next for me, I'll be making a short post soon mentioning everything. I just want to get this out of the way.
This post started as a retelling of my experiences leaving radically inclusive pro-endogenic spaces. However, as I was writing it, it became more just… a trip down memory lane (lol, puns). It’s opened my eyes a lot to who I used to be, who I recently was, and who I want to be soon.
While this is tagged as syscourse, I would appreciate it if you left debates off this post. You’re welcome to reblog and interact, but I want to remind everyone that this is my personal experience. Any general statements about behavior are directed at people I had interaction with.
TW ahead for... yikes. Everything? Yeah. Just a generalized TW here for all of the content on my blog for the past 5 years.
I think it’s most important to start with context here. I joined the DID/OSDD Tumblr community around 2017. I was 19 years old, and WOEFULLY undereducated. I had a DSM-iii from the school library (the one that still had MPD as a diagnosis) and the internet at my disposal, along with overprotective parents that regularly spied on me and who I am certain checked my browsing history. At the time, Rice was a host of the system. She came out of hiding, stuck around for longer… but genuinely, I don’t think it was super healthy for her.
Link to Post
This was her first ever post on our DID blog. Mind you, we were not influenced by any other sources yet. This was from our own understanding. Rice didn’t switch out of the front anymore consciously, and the others rarely fronted. This, to her, based on our ignorant research, meant everyone was integrated (which she used to mean the word “fused” - and both words were inaccurate for what we were actually experiencing) and that she somehow didn’t have DID anymore because of it.
SO… we entered the DID community with a LOT of stupid preconceptions. That’s the point of that screenshot.
I started out by just reblogging pictures, memes, etc. Just barely starting to dip my toes into the DID/OSDD community. I gave advice when it was applicable to my own life, but given that I was so misinformed on other topics, people were… understandably wary.
Around this time, I also created a sideblog of mine, probablydidrpgideas. I was just trying to find fun in a life that was quickly spiraling out of my control - I was terrified of having a mental disorder, likely because of internalized ableism. It just sounded so horrible. So I tried to make light of it, and tried to enjoy myself. I don’t regret that part, but then I tried my hand at “spreading information.” Yeah. THAT went great. I’d include a post here, but it was deleted after a system came after me for it.
The first time I consciously started stepping into syscourse, the first time I participated was… well.
Here. Link.
I was in denial. I didn’t realize that what I had been through (what little I remember of it) even counted. I knew high school was hard for me, but that was AFTER the cut off age. So this was me, trying to question, genuinely, when that “cut off” was. They responded genuinely and with good information, and kindly too. And my response was…
Link
Up until this point, I had only seen hate. I had seen endos - who claimed to be similar to me - who were being harassed. I saw systems - who, like me, claimed to not have trauma before a specific age - being harassed by people like this person, who claimed DID only happened before a certain age. They suggested I seek therapy, and that if I wasn’t traumatized, I may be experiencing something else. I reacted VERY poorly, like the uneducated (terrified) teenager I was.
Because of this, and a few other factors, I moved into endogenic spaces. OSDD/DID spaces didn’t accept me, particularly because there were a lot of things about my system that made people doubt my existence. I was a supposed DID system who had “completely fused” in one year without any therapy, but still had alters fronting, who claimed to have formed without trauma (denial is a hell of a drug) and who had genuinely no idea what they were talking about.
Proof of not knowing what I was talking about: my description of what it meant to be “integrated” 😥
I continued to interact with those who disagreed with endogenic plurality, primarily because I wanted to understand where they were coming from. If I WAS a traumagenic system, then surely I should understand???
Link (tw sh mention)
This was the first time I was fully fakeclaimed. Fair warning, it’s a loooong post and goes into a lot of back and forth. But this was what, ultimately, cemented me as a radically inclusive system. At this point, I was at least OPEN to the idea of being traumatized. So having someone tell me I was just RPing… It hurt. And it all started cause, looking back, I was immature and uninformed - as are the majority of new systems. This person - this JACKASS - looked at me, a clearly fucked up individual, and continued to believe the worst of me.
I applied that belief to all anti-endos. And I ran to endogenic spaces to feel… safe.
Endo spaces felt safe. I felt accepted, because, well, they accepted everyone! This was also at the same time I was exploring my gender and sexuality, and when I started falling in love with my nonbinary partner. Endogenic spaces kept comparing the trauma debate to LGBT+ debates. “They say trauma ALWAYS causes systems, just because they’ve never heard of it happening elsewhere!! That’s the same argument as Nonbinary people not existing because you’ve never heard of it!!” (Note: it’s not the same argument.)
It was so easy to become a pro-endo. I could talk for hours about why, but it boils down to feeling accepted and wanted. When I first started looking into things (uneducated, as the post said), I could not comprehend why people were excluding others. “Surely, if so many people say they have a disorder but don’t have trauma, that’s valid, because *I* have this disorder without trauma.” Again. Denial.
It’s funny because, looking back, I remember things much clearer. I didn’t reblog much from Endogenics at first - largely because I didn’t want harassment. I was more fragile then than I am now, which is clearly saying something. It’s funny too, because I had very similar stances. Just… in an immature way.
Link
Even by 2019, I wasn’t really certain where I stood. I knew I accepted all the identities I was coming across, but I also had my doubts about how healthy this all was. I didn’t strongly participate in syscourse, even then, but I scrolled it a LOT. I spent way too much of my life on tumblr. Also by this point, I was as stressed out as I had ever been - I was a senior in college, just turning 21 by now, fully realizing I’m traumagenic by this point (even if I didn’t fully accept it), and going through the most stressful goddamn year of my life. My symptoms were getting worse, and… I was always so angry.
I scrolled major pro endo blogs. I scrolled major anti endo blogs. I was disgusted by what I saw, daily, because here the Evil Traumagenics were - supposedly MY people - bashing endos - who to me, were just existing. “Words change - why can’t they use those words?” I was so frustrated. I just wanted people to leave each other alone.
Link
As you can see - I actually subscribed to some anti-endo beliefs by now. I acknowledged that some Endogenics have trauma. I just wasn’t outspoken at all, because I knew the harassment my friends in the pro-endo community got. I still considered myself strongly pro-endo, mostly because everyone else did, and partly because… I support endos. I always had.
It wasn’t until November/December of 2019 that I really fell deeply into tumblr and started drowning in syscourse. Notably, that’s during thanksgiving/winter break - when I was home with my abusers. I started reblogging more from anti-endos (at least, the ones who I agreed with) and started separating DID/OSDD from Endogenics.
Link
It was also at this time that I began to hate the community.
Link
I was constantly angry by now. Syscourse was on my dash daily. And of course, quarantine didn’t help. I kept diving further and further into things I didn’t understand.
Link
2020, November, was where I finally, finally started looking into other arguments. What did people mean when they advocated for non-shared spaces? What were they fighting for? I began reblogging from anti-endos.
Link (Long post, no screenshot here)
But I slipped back into this. Angry place. I couldn’t shake that anger. And then… the INSTANT 2021 hit… I started turning that anger towards others, very very heavily.
Link
I started to shift more neutral (slowly, very slowly), but still considered myself pro-endo because I supported them. But I reacted so negatively anytime anyone said ANYTHING negative about Endogenics. I genuinely couldn’t understand what harm they did. Mind you, this was already after I had crashed my car due to their beliefs, had Endogenics tell me I was a mixed-origin system at best, etc etc. i just couldn’t understand how people could be upset at a group of people just trying to exist and get support.
I held onto my anger for too long.
[I would post more screenshots, but it won't let me at this point. I'll be providing links from hereon out).
Link: (what even was the point of this? All to hold a grudge? Is that it?)
May was where things started to shift. I was so angry all the time that it was exhausting me. I spent hours of my day on tumblr, scrolled my entire dashboard at least 4 times a day, and scrolled through syscourse tags with obsessive focus. I was stuck now stuck at home, every day, all day, with my abusers. It was a crutch.
I was so tired. And I started shifting to neutrality: not giving a shit anymore, because giving a shit was… god. It was exhausting.
Link: This is where I started identifying as "plural" rather than the other terms, as I was so annoyed and frustrated by syscourse.
That didn’t stop me from being a disgusting, hate filled person to defend the people I have been with for so long, however.
https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/650492132308746240/cant-reply-so-doing-it-this-way-this-here (This entire post was just... So sickening. I just made comparisons to being gay as a way to defend how the DSM changes and isn’t correct and just. Ugh.)
I hate scrolled anti-endo blogs (that I sometimes reblogged from, because. I agree with the things I reblogged.) I tried to do positivity to cheer myself up - which didn’t last. I made positivity posts for Endogenics that got shat on by people, which just increased my anger. Everything just. Need more anger. I knew I wanted to stop, but I COULDN’T because god, everything was making me so angry, and here I was, with nowhere to put it - but in syscourse.
Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/655709219852615680/honey-im-blocking-people-thats-it-im-not
It just kept getting worse. And worse. And worse. I kept fluctuating between a very aggressive pro-endo and a very dead inside “neutral.”
And then I changed.
Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/672094051347070976/thanks-so-much-for-explaining-it-that-way-that
@justanothersyscourse. You… heard my anger, and frustration, and you replied kindly. And while it itched inside, burned, to be talking to someone I had frequently complained about in private, you offered safety on the other side. Safety for me to research, to understand, to see. All I ever wanted, originally, was to understand. You have us that chance.
The rest of tumblr never saw it - but Dude (the owner of that blog) sat with me for a half hour or so in DMs while I bawled my eyes out in a Covid testing line and as I tried to work out where I stood on the “disordered / dysfunctional” debate. He made me feel like someone understood for once; agreed that BOTH sides are toxic, and that BOTH sides have such majors flaws. I felt at the time that everybody hated me, because every post I made for backlash. Every post I made got people upset. I never got “good anons.” I never got asks at all. Just… people reblogging and telling me I was fake.
Dude opened me up to actually breathing again.
That was in December, 2021. About 6 months ago. Half a year. And it was the first time I felt less angry.
Dude being kind made me look at other anti-endo blogs. I found kind people, through dude - and unkind people too. But I agreed with all of them, at first, and considered myself anti-endo in January. I started tagging posts as anti-endo infrequently. That lasted a little bit (though I oscillated the entire month between pro and anti).
Jan 10: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/673028376279302144/genuinely-not-sure-how-i-feel-about-endo-systems
Also Jan 10, in response to that post: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/673035335340539904/if-your-support-for-a-whole-demographic-changes
I voiced my struggles regularly with this oscillation. Another thank you has to go to Agony - I sent so many anonymous asks to the Agony Auncles during this time in hope of some guidance, and I received it.
Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/674571799196041217/you-can-feel-free-to-delete-this-if-youd-like
I started feeling a little better, but I’ve realized now why: I felt better because I could RECOGNIZE my anger now. Before, I didn’t even recognize my anger. Now, I did - but I wasn’t sure how to solve it.
In February, I tried to step back, just like I did very recently.
Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/676399663864266752/hey-message-from-mod-curtis-here-were-going-to
I couldn’t though. I couldn’t stop scrolling syscourse; especially when I still had to be home. It was so much harder now, I was building up to coming out, so I hid in my phone and tried to ignore everything. I used syscourse to hide.
I started trying to generalize my posts more - maybe if I wasn’t directly supporting either side, that anger (conscious or not) would die down.
This… this, I think, is where hell broke loose.
I started calling myself “neutral” - I didn’t fit cleanly into either of the boxes people appeared to have made. I started arguing “both sides are bad and here are their flaws” - and a very small group of people agree with me!! It’s been lovely having that group.
The tumblr community, however…
Ugh. I don’t think I want to even dig anymore. Anyone who’s been reading this far likely already knows how these past few months went for me. I posted a lot of takes, got both support and heinous amounts of harassment. I was lightly threatened with Doxxing from the pro-endo doxxer, was told to kill myself numerous times, and went toe-to-toe with major pro-endo players.
Nothing I did these past few months feels productive. Not anymore, at least. During the moment, it felt good - but I suppose self harm usually does, in the moment. It’s funny; I frequently make sure to remind people to step away from syscourse when it’s hurting them. So why is it so hard for me to do the same?
I realized, when writing this post, just how damaging it’s all been for me. I started writing this post from a place of, what I’ll call it here, “boiling anger education.” I’ve frequently said that you cannot educate when you are just angry, and I still hold to that - but I wasn’t doing better myself. I didn’t realize I was so angry, so hateful, until I finally, finally managed to fully step away and see the bigger picture.
I took a walk outside for the first time in months on Thursday. It was incredible. I started drawing again - granted, for system related things, but it’s been so refreshing. I started writing again, because I wasn’t busy refreshing my notifications to make sure nobody had misinterpreted what I said now, to make sure I didn’t need to respond to someone to clarify my point.
It’s been about a week (I think - time is so hard for me to keep track of. It feels simultaneously like yesterday, and like years ago) since I wrote the post that made me step back. Genuinely, I don’t know how to feel about the take I made there. I don’t think it’s beneficial to even address it here; I’m not healthy enough for that yet. I think it would be a disservice, to myself and to others, to address it here. I always say “if you aren’t educated on the topic, you can share your thoughts and personal feelings, but you can’t give information.” I want to stand by that here, especially since I haven't been lately.
Looking back, Memories of the Circular Room has changed. That’s a good thing, in a lot of ways. It started as a way to me to learn more, to post about my experiences, and to become comfortable with my system. I believe I’ve done those things. I also believe it’s changed me for the worse - the syscourse, the hate, the anger I’ve held onto.
I think MotCR served me well. But I also think I’m not that person anymore. I don’t need to remember anymore. I don’t need to be stuck in who I was, or who I was becoming. I can change, and grow, and hopefully, I can be kind. That’s all I wanted, back then: someone to be kind to me, to educate me. That’s who I want to be.
This is my funeral pyre for Memories of the Circular Room. One last, final post - one last final memory of everything. A chronicle of all of the things that have happened, a quick summary, one that certainly doesn’t contain everything, but shows the changes I went through. I think I’m finally ready to move on.
MotCR will remain “active” in the sense that you can scroll this blog to see any post made here. I’m not going to private it, because I think there are good things that were said here, and I want myself and others to be able to access those things. But I will no longer reblog things here, make original posts, or answer asks. I’m moving on, and away, and changing how I tackle syscourse.
I’ll be making one last post when I fully am ready to share my new plans (which include a new blog). But for now? This is it.
Thank you for reading ❤️💙💜💗🖤💛💚❣️🧡💟🤍❤️
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