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how're you doing? You've been quiet on here for a while now. Sending good vibes y'all's way, hope you're doing as well as you can
hey i randomly logged into this account today and saw this and sort of wanted to give an update :)
the last year and a half ish i think has been good and bad. i started college, i got my first real job, i got my drivers license, and i got my first semester with straight a's since like middle school! but also ive had a couple more major traumas, had a major loss, had issues with hoarding, had an alcohol problem for a while (pretty much okay with it now though), where i live is getting very dangerous for trans people, and my physical health has kind of tanked. also i realized i was a lesbian! i almost forgot that one lol
one of those major traumas (losing someone i was very close to in front of me) just kind of changed me. it was like how the psych ward i was in killed a part of me. i just dont feel like that same person anymore because she was in my life since i was a baby and i dont think that same me can exist in a world without her. that was about a year ago and im okay but its still really hard.
im in a lot better of a place now though. im actually still living with abusive family that im totally financially dependent on, but tomorrow im getting my car put in my name and this weekend im doing a doggy date for a dog shelter with a very old pitbull and i have friends and im learning to work on cars. i still very much am a lot better off than i was the last time i posted here.
also i sort of found religion? its weird but thats been a really major part of my life lately. i call myself christian adjacent because i believe in jesus and everything but i dont agree with literally any conservative christian belief. God loves queer people, abortion is a right, other religions should be respected and christians are privileged in the west (myself included), hell doesnt exist, refugees and immigrants should be welcomed with open arms, etc. i mostly align myself with quakers. thats been a really big thing with trauma and im so much better at coping and having healthy behaviors now because of it.
i did quit therapy and im pretty strongly anti the institution of psychiatry. @/trans-axolotl has a lot of posts on it and i dont want to get too into it here. basically therapy and meds arent inherently bad and should be much more accessible and many people benefit from and need them, but not everyone does and stripping autonomy away from mentally ill people is bad.
so yeah. im sort of okay. some things are worse and some things are better. and if anyone is still following this blog i hope yall are doing well. i probably wont ever come back, i dont really find this blog helpful anymore, but ill keep it up for now just in case.
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you must have seen how you were traumatizing me
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and fuck. now i feel bad because i did successfully make them feel bad for me but im getting attention theyre talking to me they feel bad for me but also did i manipulate them because i was posting stuff on my normal blog about feeling bad
and also like to uninstall discord so i dont say anything to my friend or to leave it installed so i know if theyre giving me attention
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and also like to uninstall discord so i dont say anything to my friend or to leave it installed so i know if theyre giving me attention
#my posts#i just need someone to feel bad for me so badly#like oh this is so fucking bard on ME#to see my friends fight and im just a poor thing having to deal with that and having a meltdown over it#i need nic and alcohol
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im having a really bad bpd moment and i just need to like. talk through it.
okay my two friends got into a disagreement about something i brought up in the discord server were in that the one friend owns and theyre being perfectly civil and everything but i just started getting the urge to say stuff that i know will make them fight and provoke them into fighting each other because it would be entertaining, and i left the server and told the friend that owns it that i just cant trust myself rn and ill probably come back later
and like. i know i am better than my dad because i did stop myself and i do recognize what im doing and i know why its bad and i dont genuinely want to do it but also the fact that i got so close and i actually started typing stuff out that i KNEW would make them fight makes me feel fucking awful, but also i know the fact that it makes me feel bad means i am better than my dad. he never felt bad and he never apologized and he never ever acknowledged that what he was doing wasnt healthy.
and also i just desperately want attention and i am barely keeping myself from being violently angry over them not giving me attention and not fighting for me and having to leave the server but also if anyone talks to me rn i will make them fucking cry
and i know theyre talking about me and theyre calling me the right pronouns and name and no one ever does that and i know i have to go back to the server even if i leave to know that not only were they using the right pronouns they were TALKING ABOUT ME
but also i know the friend who owns the server would choose the other friend over me if it came down to it because theyve known the other person for way longer and realizing that is what made me spiral
and i just need to burn myself out and im gonna drink and hope that helps but i want to make someone feel bad so bad i want to make them cry and fight so i can watch it!! but also i dont!! i dont want to be like my parents and i want to be a good person but its so hard
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im ngl one of the only reasons i havent attempted yet is because i would be hospitalized again if i failed and if i was hospitalized that would just fundamentally break me as a person even more than it already did
#mine#doesnt mean i havent considered it!!#i dont want to fuckiny grow up#im in my third week of college and i hate it so much i want to drop out
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lmao the urge to have another extremely public breakdown just to get attention even if i do become a complete joke again at least people will be paying attention to me
having an absolute fucking bpd and hypersexual meltdown and i swear i will fucking kill myself if no one fucking gives me attention
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