mindandheartliberation

[mindandheartliberation]

ART ⚡️ | jsabbb24

[mindandheartliberation]

Entry #2

“I’m tired.” You said as you sat on the sofa. “I like my space sometimes. There’s too many people that need my attention.”

I had never met you. You didn't raise me. It was just me and my mom. You didn't see my first steps, my first words, my first anything. 

I was starting college. I already had my first car and job. 

You came because you wanted to meet me. 

We welcomed you and our relationship was rough at first, but then our bond grew. We clashed because we were too similar and now we’re best of friends. 

I won't lie, it does hurt when you ignore my calls in order to speak with my half sisters. I won't lie, it hurts when you talk about my sisters firsts and their silly childhood adventures. It burns inside. It sometimes makes me feel like I'm not enough.

I’m a horrible person for thinking sometimes that I only want you to focus on me. I will never admit it though. 

I could tell you, “You’re my father, your supposed to stay and get to know me!” “Your supposed to take care of me!” 

But I will never want you to stay against your will. That’s not love. 

I understand why you would like your space. Two different families all needing different types of attention. 

As I sit back and think. Everyone tells me to tell you to stay with me, to provide for me. To make up for the years you weren't there. But in my heart I know that you are human too. You hurt too. Your past haunts you too. You’re not superman. If one day you need to leave. Even though it hurts. I will let you go. 

I will let you go because, I don't want to become the reason you lose your mind.

I’ll be fine. God has taken me this far and he will take me further. God has become my number one father. He has accepted me as I am and has taken the responsibility to take care of me 24/7.

I know that one day you might leave back to my half sisters. To your other family. I know that I am not the first family you think about. And that’s ok. 

I love my sisters. And I will also always love you.

#god #jesus #family #father #dad #fatherless #i understand #journal #journal entry #itsok #christian #thoughts #mymind #my thoughts

[mindandheartliberation]

Darling, I’m star gazing

[mindandheartliberation]

[mindandheartliberation]

Entry #1.

Yesterday, I saw you. I was standing near the edge and I could see the waves hit against the many rocks beneath me. People around me walked and took in a deep breath with a smile on their face. They then walked away looking satisfied saying they felt, “refreshed.” 

I tried the same thing, hoping I would feel the same way. As I let in the nice cool air fill my lungs I found myself wanting more. It wasn't enough. I couldn't take in enough air. I couldn't feel that refreshed feeling the people around me felt. I tried again hoping I would feel something different. I let the air linger a bit more in my lungs. But I couldn't hold onto it long enough. I got frustrated.

“What are you trying to hold onto?” I felt something within me speak. The feelings of frustration and confusion spoke to me. Like always, I ignored those feelings. Meaning, I ignored the question that tormented me in that moment. “I’m not supposed to give those emotions attention. They’re bad emotions” I thought.

I concentrated my attention to the waves. The way the waves hit the rocks caught my attention. It’s milkiness and smoothness on the rocks hypnotized me. I wanted to feel something, since I was so disappointed in not feeling ‘refreshed’ with that big amount of air I took in. I wanted something big to happen. Like in the movies, like in the books. 

I tried to imagine something. My attention went to God and how he made everything for his glory. I remembered how the branches on trees stretch up to the sky and when all the leaves fall down they look like tiny hands reaching towards the heavens. I felt him looking at me in that moment. In my moment of confusion. 

The small waves that formed reminded me somehow of speech. Vibration. “What if I do something strange right now?” I thought. I focused all my attention on the waves and tried to place my emotions toward God. In that moment I thought loudly, “God!” Suddenly a large wave appeared. I giggled on the inside. “Jesus!” I thought loudly. Another large wave appeared. “God! God! God!” I thought. Strangely, more than one big wave appeared each time. 

I laughed on the inside knowing very well that if I laughed out loud people would look at me strangely. In that moment, I was happy to be wearing a mask. I had a big smile on my face. While I told myself that this was just a form of entertainment and that in reality my mind had no power over the waves, there was another small voice within me that said, “God heard! It’s was real! Your thoughts moved upon the waves.” I puffed some air out my nose and walked away. I had two thoughts in my mind, “That was funny.” and “It was real.”

To me nature is beautiful, but it doesn’t fill me. I felt filled in that moment though. But I don't know why it’s hard to admit it.

#christian #god #jesus #thoughts #journal #my thoughts #religion #imagination #imagine #mymind #journal entry

[mindandheartliberation]

Bayern, Germany | mixplor