This is where I scream into the void anonymously so the people in my life don’t see it and leave me
18 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
aliciajones789
Alicia Jones
casarolas
cass
svndvn
SVN
whirlingatoms
Whirling Atoms.
davydiddlesdrums
☆Sparkly Space Garbage☆
Text
This morning
I wanted to have some sort of resolution
A moment where we admit to at least something
Where I go out on a limb and for once it doesn’t crack underneath me
In my mind it was going to be you and I there first
And you would walk up and start talking to me and we would both smile and understand
Instead I was late
And someone else was there to hold me back from doing anything
Thank goodness
#wow this one is old#wow this is poorly written#crush#unrequieted#taking chances#poetryiguess?#poem#poetry#relationship#A
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Why is there so much pressure to keep liking the things you like and doing the things you do and expecting the same things and wanting the same things and taking up the same amount of space? I’m so tired of being quiet and doing whatever but that’s my place now because it’s all I’ve done for the past five years and I’m stuck as the person who isn’t given attention because she doesn’t want it because that’s what people expect me to be.
1 note
·
View note
Text
Every time I talk to you I lose another piece of myself
To your smile
And your eyes
And the way that you try to bring me out of my shell
To the way that you hold yourself
Always ready to help the next person you see
And then I realize that you don’t want those parts of me
And I am left here
Confused
And without you
0 notes
Quote
He says
Everything about you is soft
And suddenly I wish I had edges
the beginning
0 notes
Quote
I would have given anything for him to like me the way he loved her, but
you can’t look at the moon if you are still holding on to the sun
Your eyes were the stars and I couldn’t stop staring
They burned mine so that all I could see was you
you were too busy looking at her
looking at the sun
because stars go together
How perfect
the moon’s light is a reflection of the sun
I only shine because she does
we only look at the moon because we are trying to replicate the sun’s warmth
a collection of half baked metaphors
#poetryiguess?#i was gonna make something out of this but it's been a while and I don't think I want to#poem#poetry#spokenword#spoken word#sun#moon#love#unrequieted#relationship#A
1 note
·
View note
Text
Things that are not okay:
I walked across the school to fill up my water bottle during lunch every day because seeing the two of them together sitting too close like that and being able to just talk was too much
My mother kept telling me I deserve more than this. I deserve to feel like I am wanted and I agree with her too much to stop and think about the irony
From day one it was always about giving her space. Making sure she didn’t feel like I was replacing her or stepping on her toes. This relationship has always been about her
It was made clear to me on the day he asked me out that he only ever showed interest in me after she pushed him to move on. The story goes they were having a discussion about how he needed to find someone else and he brought up me as a way to appease her
And now every time I look back and try to find something happy that we had together she is there. I wonder how I didn’t notice her before. She is the topic he brings up when he meets my sister. When he tricks me into thinking he has a twin he uses her sister as the point of reference. He sends me a meme and five minutes later she is sending me the same meme and saying what he said to me as if she came up with it. There is not an interaction where she is not mentioned. Where I do not see her name on his phone. Where I do not feel his mother wondering why he couldn’t have found someone who fit better with their family. Someone more like her. The first time I hear about his little brother it is from her lips.
She tells me about things of his that she has kept. A sweatshirt that smells like him. His copy of a hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. The look in his eyes when he realizes that he still loves her. Each one is another twist of the knife I am desperately denying she has slipped between my ribs
The worst part of all of this is that I let them. I let her tell me about how he wanted to impress her mom. I let him comfort her instead of me when she yelled at me in class. I let them keep moving over the casket made from the label he gave me while I sat inside and watched.
Maybe next time it will be different
#this isn't supposed to be a poem but I kind of got in that mode by the end#poetryiguess?#i was just trying to vent#relationship#problems#poem#spokenword#spoken word#poetry#A
0 notes
Text
Trust your gut
My mother always told me, “trust your gut”
And so when I am biking a mile across campus to the nearest convenience store and I turn the corner and suddenly it hits me how quickly the sun sets around here,
I turn around
And as I debate to myself whether to cut through the construction behind the dining hall on the way back I am wondering what was done to make me think like this
And then I remember that I have been taught from the moment I was born that I am responsible for what they do to me
That when they find my body in the parking lot of the stadium the next morning it will have been the result of me going out at 9:15 at night when I know it is too dark for anyone to hear me
That is not the price I am willing to pay for a chocolate bar and some potato chips
I wonder if my brother has ever had to go home because his neuron pathways have been conditioned to see the eyes of a stranger as a lethal weapon
I wonder if my boyfriend’s mother ever taught him how to hold his keys between his knuckles
so that when someone inevitably grabs his waist he is ready
I wonder if my father ever practiced breaking choke holds with my grandfather
if he was ever told that the moment they get you from point A to point B it is over
or if these things entered his mind after he realized that the world is full of men like him
boys who whistle when they see something they like crossing the street
I wonder if any of this will even stop the men I see walking towards me
if the gut feelings will lead me back home
if I am being paranoid
I pull into the bike rack outside of my dorm
And I go inside
And I ask myself
when I will live
0 notes
Text
How to get over someone when it hasn’t ended yet
Hope that he understands that there is nothing you have wanted more than for him to want you
Hope that he understands that you know that the feeling is not mutual
When he asks her instead of you
why you are being distant
Do not get angry
You knew this was coming
Plan what you are going to say to him
because the moment he is there standing much to close to you
and still thinking about her
your mind will go blank with the smell of his shirt
Let it remind you of when she told you that she still wear his old sweatshirts sometimes
And remember the night that she told you with a smile on her face
that he might never be over her
Remember that split second before this all became about her
Where you told yourself that this would be the year
you were brave
It is not your place to be the detour that he takes on his way back to her
Take it all
Take your courage
And his shirts
And the hours spent crying over the two of them
Use them to tell him you have moved on
0 notes
Quote
Her eyes go blank
and for a moment I think I can see into her soul
Then she blinks
And she smiles
And she moves on
because what else can you do but move on
The moment is over
a poem I have not yet written
0 notes
Text
I like to say that my mom taught me how to be strong
That she taught me how to deal with bullies
I would love to stop there
For that to be the end of the story
But it isn't.
My mom taught me how to be strong
She taught me how to deal with bullies
She taught me how to fake a smile, and bounce back to the "happy" person I was supposed to be
My mom taught me how to comfort others
She taught me how to rub my little brother's back as I told him again and again that mommy didn't mean it. That she was just having a bad day, and it will all be better soon
My mom taught me how to love
She taught me how to sort the truth from what she told me as I watched my dad trying so hard to give my family a present parent with his four days of visitation a month
My mom taught me how to hold back tears
She taught me how to clasp my hands behind my back and smooth out my voice and say
Yes, ma'am
No, ma'am
What can I do for you next
I'm okay
Everything’s fine
I can ignore the way your words are squeezing everything that i have and giving it one more little twist before they finally rip it out
My mom taught me how to be polite
She taught me how to bite my tongue and tell myself it was all a lie as she screamed and attacked me again and again. Preying on my insecurities, telling me I was not worth it, tearing me down day after day until I was nothing but a shell of my brothers’ baby sister; scars on my thighs, agony between my eyes, and self doubt that turned me into someone else
My mom taught me how to be brave
She taught me how to fight through my pain, how to keep moving, how to focus on everything I can do and everything I could be
My mom taught me how to be me. And maybe I’m okay with that
0 notes
Text
Do you ever just reaaally wish you had stronger resolve?
Like if I had just been stronger and trusted myself for once this would all be so much less messy.
The thing is it’s not actually messy though? Like in terms of actual things happening it’s been good and nice or whatever
but if I actually stood up for myself it would be messy because there are so many things that have happened that I didn’t talk to him about it because I didn’t want to make a mess and I didn’t want to start drama
and now I can’t do anything about them because the fact that I didn’t say anything then makes it a mess.
Also if I said anything it would seem like I was bringing up things from the past and trying to start fights and I don’t want to do that but there’s things that I might really need resolved?
0 notes
Text
How are you supposed to forgive someone if they won’t admit that what they are doing is wrong?
0 notes
Text
Do you ever get really frustrated that someone isn’t acknowledging your posts? Like you know that they’ve seen them because they interacted with you in the same app and liked other people’s posts that are around it, but they just don’t acknowledge it. And this happens for multiple posts. And you’re just so confused and frustrated but you can’t say anything to them because then that indicates to them that you’re paying attention to that.
Or the reverse. You text them and they like all of your posts from after they got the text but they don’t open it or text you back. And you know that they can see that you texted them but they just don’t acknowledge it. Sometimes for days.
And you’re just sitting there wondering what you did wrong and why they’re ignoring you and if they really think you’re stupid enough to not notice it and why you even care anyways.
0 notes
Text
Questions in Chemistry Class
Number one, Acid/base Dilutions
if you take a girl with a pH of 5,000 miles from home and 20 years of trying to survive in the land of homogenized milk and homogenized casseroles,
what do you have left?
how many generations will it take until her culture becomes forgotten
and the language she spoke lies strangled in the mouths of those she could have called her children
when her daughter relaxes her hair and her granddaughter changes her name so she can have a chance of clawing her way up the ladder to where it is no longer coated in machine oil and her great granddaughter does not know which part of her identity she is allowed to claim on the fourth grade questionnaire about ethnicity,
will she stop them?
or will her surroundings have neutralized her
so that
as she helps her daughter practice english
and she saves money for her granddaughter to go to college
and as she looks down on me while I stare at those little boxes and screams that it doesn’t matter which one I check, they will always tell me that I am not enough of anything,
that I am too diluted,
too close to home to identify with her
to different to be a part of them
would she tell me that I am still her child?
would I even understand her?
#heritage#identity#assimilation#culture#poetryiguess?#wowthisispoorlywritten#poetry#poem#spokenword#spoken word
0 notes
Text
my brother and I are the same person
That’s what we used to say
My brother and I are the same person:
Olive skin
Steely glint
“If they don’t like you, make them”
“If they don’t love you, pretend”
My brother and I are the same person:
But in elementary school my parents put him in robotics and me in dance
My brother and I are the same person,
But I’m bossy and he has leadership potential
My brother and I are the same person,
But he has great ideas and I can barely speak
My brother and I are the same person but he—
My brother and I are the same person but,
When we wanted to go to a protest, he was speaking out
And I was a crazy social justice warrior
My brother and I are the same person
But he has been taught that the world wants to hear what he has to say and I have been taught that when I speak it is worthless and excessive
My brother and I are the same person but he was born a boy and I was born a girl
And somehow that made me less than him
#identity#siblings#brother#sexism#feminism#parenting#poetryiguess?#wowthisispoorlywritten#poetry#poem#spokenword#spoken word
0 notes
Text
Another thing about this blog: I lowkey write a lot but I’m too scared to show it to anyone because they would probably hate it and then I wouldn’t be able to keep doing it because I would have actual proof that it sucks.
0 notes
Text
I wish I could go out drinking and not come home until all of the pain has worked its way out of my system
I wish I could drive the eight hours to where I am not entirely sure you are right now and tell you that this is not okay
that I am not sure that we still have something
I am not sure if we had anything to begin with
I keep telling everyone that I am going to stand up for myself. That I am going to tell you I can not do this anymore and explain why
until all of the pain has worked its way out of my system
Instead I stay here and I try not to think about how we have not spoken all week
how there is no particular reason for it
how we both know the particular reason for it
Instead I watch 5 seasons of television in 3 days as a substitute for your laugh
I do not go out.
I do not find you.
The pain does not leave my body.
I have been taught that that is where it belongs anyways.
Instead I stay here and let the pain take over
until it has worked me out of its system
#pain#copingmethods#relationship#longdistance#poetryiguess?#wowthisispoorlywritten#poetry#poem#spokenword#spoken word#A
0 notes