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[mm-annette]

today sucks and i’m trying my best to do it alone but it’s hard. i’m thinking about just going MIA and taking a mental health break. delete all social media, keep my phone on dnd and focus on myself for a bit. so yeah, ima do that because this shit is toxic as fuck and it’s for the birds.

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i hate today and i keep hoping to hear from you but i havent and i know i won’t.

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“Learn to say no without explaining yourself.”

— Unknown

[mm-annette]

1 hour.

the clock just hit 11 and i have an hour til i get super sad and moody. my mom is trying her best to plan the day with things to do because this year is especially hard. normally i have her around to keep me occupied and distracted and just cheer me up but this year all i really have is my mom, and thats okay, its just hard. im sad about tomorrow, usually id be distracted by her trying to cheer me up and us doing fun stuff, or us getting drunk and laughing all day long but this year is a little different.

i no longer have my bestfriend who understands me and can listen to everything i have to say and tell her. i can be sad and shell know and shell know exactly what to do to comfort me. this year i dont have that and im sad. im sad i wont have her around for this.

like science says, every 7 years your body has new cells, one more year until then. at least i have that to look forward to.

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24 hours

today was actually a really good day, and by today i mean april 7th, its now april 8th, but whatever. i had a good day and i got to see my favorite patients and just be reminded why i do what i do and why i love what i do.

but anyways, today is now the 8th, i have less than 24 hours until it marks the 6 year anniversary of my assault. honestly, i havent been sleeping well, or eating well, my mental health has kind of been a mess.

i was so jumbled at work today, lets just say i was doing my patients BP maybe twice before paying attention. i slept for an hour yesterday, i didnt fall asleep until after 4am and i had to get up at 5am. i was exhausted but i love my job, so i made the best of it.

i did cook some chicken alfredo tonight, it was great. i went grocery shopping and got a new coffee maker, i bought a new coffee to try, and creamer, i got me some scrub pants and tops, notebooks, the whole thing ya know. i was very productive today. im trying my best to distract myself, ive noticed myself staying busy today. working, shopping, cleaning, catching up on work, watching new shows, i just finished 2 shows today and im actually watching a new one as i type this.

ive found keeping myself distracted is my best bet. its really weird that im not gonna hear from her tomorrow, having her around to support me these last 4 years and honestly just give me the motivation to make it through the day is hard. im so used to her being my "its okay" safety blanket. anytime she said it, i believed it, so now tomorrow im gonna try my best to keep myself motivated. i cant depend on her anymore because it only ends up hurting me in the end. like as much as i wish shed call tomorrow, i know she wont, and that right there will be the end of any tie i have with her.

i got my closure on our breakup the last time i saw her, i told her i didnt care if she was with me or not, i admitted my wrongs and i only hoped well for her, id be happy for her as long as she was happy and healthy.

but i do not have closure on this subject. this is something like no other, its a lot harder. this is something that you just connect with just anyone. she watched the aftermath, she knew the triggers, she knew when it was on my mind before i even knew i was thinking of it, she stayed up many nights to hold me while i cried waking up from nightmares, she held my hand through court and she always defended me. it was something that i honestly thought would keep up bonded forever. no matter what happened, i thought shed always be the person i could call when i felt unsafe, when i was sad about it or when i started seeing things again. now i do it alone and its a lot more scary. its heartbreaking because i just couldnt imagine being like that towards her i guess, even on her nanas day, i post to let her know i was thinking of her, she knows my number and knows she can always reach out about that. its sad thinking that this doesnt mean anything to her, and i do hate it but i guess its some type of closure. it shows her true colors.

3 more days until my poppys birthday/deathday and i know i come and see you everyweek, and i know that we always said you were up there with her nana, making nice with each other. and i hope thats true, i come see you both almost every week, so i know youre tired of hearing me but again, im gonna do it one more time and then im gonna try to get some sleep.

tomorrow will be rough and ill need all that i can to get through it. i ask you guys enough but please, watch over me. watch over us and just show me im gonna be okay, and please give me a sign that shes okay. and i mean not okay like she was, i mean sober and happy anf healthy. i come tell you the gossip every week so you better be there to mentally give her guidance and make sure shes okay. i need the help but i know she needs it more.

please get me through the week.

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my ex fiancée and one of my rapist are in the same place right now.

i have no idea who she is anymore and it’s like she does everything possible to hurt me, i wouldn’t be surprised if she was to see him and post a picture.

that’s how little i think i mean to her, i think she’d go that far just to break my heart.

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i always knew april sucked but i dont think its ever been this bad. ive always had someone to lean on and count on and this year i dont have anyone.

life was shitty, i knew that. i always had hope though, i always had hope that things would get better, and honestly, things did get better. i was on top of the world for years, i was happy and i had hope that things would be good for me. i was in love, engaged, happy, i was doing great, i honestly thought i was gonna have a happy ending but i think life thought different.

i have hit rock bottom, i have been low and its like everytime i think im at my lowest, i just get lower.

i got used to being sad last year, i got used to losing weight, not eating, just being sad and feeling like im falling apart. now its like impossible to get used to it.

i go to work, im a fucking CNA for gods sake. i bust my ass everyday and then some. i wake up every morning and take my meds with an energy drink and i work all day, 8 to 9 hours of caring for others when i can hardly care for myself. i go all day without eating, im running around all day, and i cant even explain how big my work is, one hall is this way and the other hall is the whole other god damn way. i dont eat at work all day, i come home and dont eat. maybe once or twice out of the week ill go get food late at night and then ill not eat again for maybe 48 hours. i work out everyday, i wear my waist trainer and i make sure to be "not fat" because thats what everyone likes to call me ya know. i never do my hair anymore, not only am i trying to fix my weight, im trying to get my healthy hair back. i never wear makeup, trying to get my skin healthy and clear, my rosacea is clearing up and its doing good.

i need to get out and tan a little bit before the summer and before my trips but fuck. my legs look like shit, and my scars only get worse during the summer. i hate my body, it makes me so sad looking at it. im hoping ill look better and be worthy enough for someone.

i just really dont understand what i did so wrong to have such bad things happen to me, like what did i do so wrong to be so unhappy? why can i not love myself, or find someone who loves me or even cares about me? i truly dont think ill ever be happy or love anyone the way ive loved these two last people. i think ill be lonely and miserable, ill be sad and die alone probably. i honestly wish i would just die now, like i have no hope in life anymore. i keep on with this court shit like its worth it and its not. they did what they did and they all think its funny, they think im a joke, and i am, like that was my fault, i shouldnt have went with them. i wish i would have died that night, i wouldnt be dealing with half the shit i am now, i wouldnt be so fucking miserable, id be dead and that would be a problem solver for all my issues. life is just impossible and im over it. im only herer because i have so many patients who depend on me, i have my parents, my best friend, my siblings and my two amazing and beautiful girls who i could not imagine leaving behind.

i just dont want to be here anymore. im sad and i want this to be over.

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yesterday was easter and i found out my boyfriend is an ex con. he has a bunch of drug charges and an attempted murder charge. how i went so long without finding that out, i have no idea. 

yall know my rule, ill date the buyer, not the supplier. ive only been in love with two people, her and him. i watched him struggle with addiction and its something that was very hard for him and i know its still hard for him. i watched her beat herself up over her father being addicted to pills and then i watched her turn into her dad. i could never support or be with someone who supplies something that has destroyed two people who i love dearly. 

its one thing to be with someone who is addicted, its something that they cant help, its something that they find comfort in and it drags them down into a deep and dark hole. its another thing to be with someone who supplies addicts, i could never and will never be okay with that. 

i spent months worrying about a man who overdosed on xanax and got himself locked up into rehab and it was honestly exhausting worrying about him and spending everyday wondering if he was okay or not. i spent weeks trying to call, text, dm, anything i could to see if he was okay and finally his mom contacted me and told me he was locked up. it was truly a long and exhausting 6 months waiting to hear from him and make sure for myself that he was okay.

it was even harder falling in love with him 3 years later and watching him fall back into a deep and dark hole of drugs and alcohol. it was one of the hardest moments for me, watching him go from a great job, having his family home, us looking at houses, going on dates and spending time with the family, literally a few weeks from moving into our future home, and he hits rock bottom. he quits his job, hes popping xanax and drinking while out in the middle of no where, up on the overlook on his fourwheeler, going out crazy. we were searching for him a new job, a new home, somewhere for us to have our boy miller and trying to figure out how we were gonna make a home for us. since then, hes never been the same. 8 years and we fall apart, we no longer speak and hes lost all of his closest friends because hes fallen too deep into his selfish mess. todays his birthday, his 21st and here i am wondering if hes okay, wondering if hes on a binder, wondering if hes shitfaced and driving the highway going 100mph like he did before, or if hes passed out off xanax. 

i watched my fiancee leave me for a girl who was addicted to xanax, who i told her was a bad influence, who drank and took pills, who i was bestfriends with at one point and saw all things first hand. i watched her leave me for that. i watched her comeback and tell me about walking into their apartment and people are passed out on xanax, the patio furniture is in the living room, her girlfriends bed is a mess with handcuffs on it. i mean i was there, downstairs when she told me her girlfriend said she was going to buy shit off my other ex girlfriend. i had to deal with picking her up from the psych ward because she got drunk and was trying to jump off a bridge. i had to deal with her telling everyone at the hospital that i was her fiancee and her girlfriend was her crazy ex, and that my mom was her mom, because thats who was trying to get her out, ME AND MY FAMILY. i had to calm her girlfriend down because she was freaking out and and she was worried, it was me doing this shit. 

i had to watch her high off what she said was her moms meds that are locked in a lock box for work, while passed out drunk and throwing up in her sisters back yard by a creek. i had to follow her home and watch her drive all over the road, go home to her girlfriend and listen to her on the phone yell at her because her girlfriends throwing up in their shower. ive had to watch her get insanely drunk and beat on her girlfriend, try to stop them from killing each other. i just watched her come to my house almost a month ago and tell me shes doing cocaine. she cries and tells me she got where our wedding tattoos were supposed to be tattooed with her new fiancees name because she was high on coke and doesnt even remember it. she told me she asked my artist to cover it and he said no, but in reality, she asked him to do it and he said no. ive watched her become unreliable, unstable, unhealthy, angry, abusive, a liar. i have watched her turn into her dad and it breaks my heart everyday knowing that shes become the man who she despises, the man who hurt her so much in life, thats who shes become and it kills me. 

my heart is a mess and i am beyond sad with everything going on. i dont know how to handle it or what to do but im trying my best.  

[mm-annette]

april.

honestly, ive been doing great in all of the outside aspects. ive been working my ass off, ive been with my friends and family, ive grew stronger relationships with those around me. ive been doing better socially and responsibly, than i ever have before. up until today. 

april started and i made my SAAM post, i honestly havent been thinking about my assault this last year, ive been on a ex drama hiatus, ya know. ive been doing so good mentally that i was ready to be very open and public this year, its marking 6 years since i was assaulted so i thought id do out with a bang, and i did. i was open on social media than ive ever been before, and i honestly was open with myself more than ive been in the last 6 years. 

i dont talk to anyone about it anymore. i really keep to myself about my trauma now since my ex left, she was my rock and my biggest supporter. i cant tell you how many nights she stayed up just to make sure i slept okay, and i didnt have a nightmare. that first weekend we spent together, i remember her staying up to make sure i fell asleep okay and i wasnt dreaming, because back then the nightmares were pretty bad. i am very grateful for how supportive she was. she never questioned me or made me feel like it was my fault, anytime i started to feel guilty about my actions that had led to it, she put me in my place and she just told me i was wrong. it was them and it wasnt me. 

i remember the day i had found out court was about to end, that we had settle on a plea agreement, which it was not a fair or just agreement, but it was better than nothing. i remember sitting across from her when i got the text from the prosecutor that we made a deal, things were about to be over and i wouldnt have to testify. i remember just looking at her, tears were just filling my eyes and i could feel them about to pour down my face like a river. she looked at me so concerned, she kept saying “whats wrong?” “are you okay?” “what happened?” and i just handed her my phone. she automatically had a smile on her face and she leaped across the bed and grabbed me and held me tight and said “its gonna be okay, we got this” i remember that like it was yesterday. 

i remember not drinking, i hadnt drank since my assault and i wasnt the biggest fan of drinking, she did it and i was fine but i didnt like to. one night, her, my best friend at the time and me drank, i got drunk and we had a blast. then we all laid in bed and i laid on her chest and i cried, i told her i was sad, that i was scared and i was thinking about it. my best friend started to cry and we just cuddled onto her chest and we cried to her and she comforted us. not too long later, they went to the walking bridge and did this big surprise. it was the anniversary of my poppys death so i was upset and i was cranky, i was so ungrateful and it still kills me to this day to think of how i acted towards them. 

she stood by me through all my court drama, all the social media post, the late nights crying, the hours and hours of driving to another state to go to court, she was even the person who heard my police statement i made while in the hospital. she was my rock. i was beyond grateful to have such a kindhearted and supportive person to be there through the hardest time of my life. 

so today, its a rough day. april in general is very rough and its even harder now. her moms birthday, her birthday, my old best friends birthday, the anniversary of my assault, my poppys birthday and death day are all in april, most being the first 2 weeks of april. 

i have not kept up with her social media. ive been trying to move on and let go, which i was doing good until today. ive still actually refused to look at any of her stuff because i just cant bring myself to do it. to see it be true i honestly think would kill me. 

as im typing this, its april 3rd, in 6 days, itll be 6 years since i was assaulted and almost killed in myrtle beach. a place were my family used to go all the time, and a place i remember a lot of my childhood being at. its a place that i have voluntarily not went to, it was a place that me and her went to one time to just see if maybe it would help my memory, maybe bring something back and make me feel better. but it was somewhere where we felt was just not okay. today i heard that, that is were she is vacationing. 

the place were i lost a big part of myself, is where she is enjoying herself. 

ive tried and fought with myself all day long to not look and see for myself. i just cant see it and confirm it because i swear on everything i love, it will fucking kill me. to know that she watched me go through all that i did, and be there and experience that pain and that fucking heartbreak for 3 1/2 years with me and then to turn around and of all places and all the time throughout the year, that is the place she goes and this is the week she decided to be best. to think that she cares about me so little to do that is heartbreaking. because of all things shes done wrong, thats one thing shes always done right.

when i went to beaufort last year and started having a panic attack while i was drunk, she fought hard to talk to me, even though it would cause problems in her relationship, she showed me that she meant it when she said that no matter what, when it came to that, shed always be my person. so now. to think it doesnt matter, maybe she forgot about it, maybe i just mean nothing to her and that means nothing to her, that fucking sucks.

this is a pain, i have not felt. 

shes done so many bad things and this is the one that i dont think i could ever recover from. 

this may be the thing to make me finally hate her, and i dont want to hate her. 

i just honestly, like i truly do not understand what i did so wrong in my life to make me deserve the pain that i go through. its getting to be so much and this honestly feels like my breaking point. 

i dont know if i can do it anymore.

[mm-annette]