mosovi-vian

[mosovi-vian]

Want to learn something new in 2022??

Absolute beginner adult ballet series (fabulous beginning teacher)

40 piano lessons for beginners (some of the best explanations for piano I’ve ever seen)

Excellent basic crochet video series

Basic knitting (probably the best how to knit video out there)

Pre-Free Figure Skate Levels A-D guides and practice activities (each video builds up with exercises to the actual moves!)

How to draw character faces video (very funny, surprisingly instructive?)

Another drawing character faces video

Literally my favorite art pose hack

Tutorial of how to make a whole ass Stardew Valley esque farming game in Gamemaker Studios 2??

Introduction to flying small aircrafts

French/Dutch/Fishtail braiding

Playing the guitar for beginners (well paced and excellent instructor)

Playing the violin for beginners (really good practical tips mixed in)

Color theory in digital art (not of the children’s hospital variety)

Retake classes you hated but now there’s zero stakes:

Calculus 1 (full semester class)

Learn basic statistics (free textbook)

Introduction to college physics (free textbook)

Introduction to accounting (free textbook)

Learn a language:

Ancient Greek

Latin

Spanish

German

Japanese (grammar guide) (for dummies)

French

Russian (pretty good cyrillic guide!)

#I hope this summer would be different #planning on spending it far away from family #Looking forward to actually having a restorative summer for the first time in my life

[mosovi-vian]

That post about 30 year old coming of age stories?

I’ve been thinking about it all morning. What would the plot points be for that? What makes a 30 year old coming of age story?

Old folks sound off in the comments

#repeating to myself: there’s still a future to be had

[mosovi-vian]

Important rules/tips I've learned as an adult that helped with anxiety

If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you

If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

People are allowed to be wrong about you

If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect

Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it

The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something

You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it

Most things are better after you sleep on them

Most things are better after you have a meal

Most things are better after you shower

Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"

If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction

If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction

"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier

If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two

You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction

When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery

People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves

If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it

If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable

If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it

If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it

Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step

Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary

If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike

Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP

No one cares what you look like

If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"

People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company

You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you

If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly

You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will

Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable

Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it

Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier

And again, to reiterate: If someone is mad at you, it is THEIR responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

[mosovi-vian]

[mosovi-vian]

the thing is they really do let you hit because you're goofy.

[mosovi-vian]

PSA: Just a friendly reminder that whenever you start a creative project, you will invariably hit a phase where the Thing™️ appears horrendous and you start asking existential questions. But if you keep working, it invariably passes and starts to resemble something less like the devil’s vomit. Doesn’t matter if it’s art, writing, or what–this happens repeatedly. Carry on.

[mosovi-vian]

“Children don’t need to earn their humanity. Children aren’t humans in training, they are humans right now. They’re not waiting to live their life, this is part of their life in this moment. Society treats children as though they’re preparing for a time where they’re allowed respect – and not before then. Until that time it’s acceptable to treat them as sub-human under the guise of parenting and education. For many, parenting is synonymous with punishment and learning is synonymous with schooling which are both so far off the mark. This all comes down to childism and it is so deeply sewn into the fabric our society. So much so that talking about it creates such cognitive dissonance that I know I’ll get defensive, even angry comments sharing these thoughts. People who genuinely respectfully parent and speak up for the injustices towards kids are so often ridiculed. Like I’ve said in the past, I don’t want to be viewed as a ‘good parent’ by a society that thinks so little of children.”

— How Many Well Intentioned People Dehumanise Children | Racheous

[mosovi-vian]

“Living weapon” covers a lot and all of it is hot

#pffpfff

[mosovi-vian]

to lovely humans who were excluded from invitations, left behind when they tied their shoes, forced to walk in the grass when the sidewalk was full, spoken over when you tried to contribute, whispered about or laughed at, given the side eye when you tried to fit in... you are so worthy of love and I’m sorry people have convinced you otherwise. I promise that your people are out there - people who will see the side of you others ignore, people who share weird inside jokes with you, give you affectionate nicknames and go to museums or roadtrips with you and fulfil whatever idea of friendship you’ve always fantasized about. even if you feel like an empty shell of your former self because you’ve hidden yourself away due to shame, this exterior will melt when you accept yourself or let people in and you’ll realize there was nothing wrong with you all along. you have interesting things to say, you deserve new chances and beginnings, your heart is probably made of gold because you know what it’s like to be left out in the cold, and you have so much to give. you are so worthy and someone’s idea of a friend too, and I hope you receive lots of hugs in the future from yourself and others because you’re so lovable.

[mosovi-vian]

i do enjoy "living weapon" characters but specifically living weapons who did in fact do absolutely horrific things which at least a part of them enjoyed and thought was good and right at the time, and that no amount of not knowing any better or guilt they feel in hindsight will ever make up for. i love living weapons who are "irredeemable", and no it's not their fault that they were made that way or pointed in the directions they were by the hand that wielded them, and yes they are victims, but so were their victims. living weapons who some people will never be able to forgive, but who still wake up every day and try to do better than what's expected of them. a sword that uses its blade to cut wheat to make bread for the people who once lived in fear of its arc falling on their heads.

[mosovi-vian]

Recent discourse reminds me of that cult indoctrination trick that's often used to weed out more difficult marks early on, where they tell you all that you aren't allowed to eat rice on Tuesdays and then if you protest they go "wow SOMEBODY likes rice a little much huh" as if you're the fucking weirdo who cares too much about how much rice is consumed between Monday and Wednesday instead of them.

And this forces you to decide whether your autonomy matters to you more than the approval of the group - while they'll still act like you're on thin ice either way, if you give in at this point they know you're theirs forever, because now they've established a foothold, you've shown a moral weakness, which they will brand you with so it can be used against you in the future ("hey RICE-addict here doesn't want help break into the city records office") to force you to double-down and isolate you further.

And if instead you do decide to push back further, after your abrupt departure from the group ("You're seriously leaving us over RICE?!? Seriously?") and subsequent ostracism, you can then be used as a demonstration to the others who were more pliable, of how the outgroup is full of people like you who are obsessed with violating the No-Tuesday-Rice rule to the point where they'll abandon all their friends, who cared so much for them, so it clearly isn't an arbitrary restriction, you're the kind of monster these rules are intended to protect them from, thus all the other wise and esoteric precepts of the charismatic leader are implied to be equally justified.

#holyfuckingshit it’s so cathartic to see this put into words

[mosovi-vian]

Understanding pain.

Level 0: No pain at all.

This is normal. Normal life means no pain - not that you've adapted. No pain at all.

By the numbers

Level 1: Very mild and intermittent pain, but it can be ignored.

Level 2: Pain is frequent and needs effort to work around.

Level 3: Pain is consistent but flares into stronger spikes.

The first triad of pain can be handled with occasional OTC painkillers, hot/cold therapy, and resting the affected area. It can interfere with some tasks, but overall your life is pretty normal.

~

Level 4: Pain can be ignored when you're absorbed in something, but is much more difficult to deal with.

Level 5: Pain interferes substantially with concentration, but you can 'push through.'

Level 6: Pain is impossible to ignore or 'push through.' You can't concentrate on anything but the pain.

Moderate pain means consistent use of painkillers, including narcotics. There are times when you can't do simple things like taking out the trash.

Level 7: You can't concentrate on anything, you can't do anything unless it's with a massive effort. The pain wakes you up or will not let you sleep in the first place.

Level 8: The pain is intense, even to the paint of making it hard to think of speak coherently. You can't move easily, even if it's from the sofa to the bed, or to get something from the kitchen.

Level 9: You can't think. You can't speak. All you can do is cry or moan. Moving is enough to make you scream.

This is heavy meds pain. For me, Level 7 is when I take my top dose of pain meds - 10mg oxycodone + 300mg gabapentin + 800mg extended release Tylenol + 500mg of robaxin. It takes 45 minutes to work. I can only lie there and breathe.

Level 8 and 9 is what I call 'hospital pain.' That's when you take your pain meds, call an Uber, and get your ass to the ER.

~

Level 10 is the worst possible pain. You're delirious from it. You're incoherent. It's the closest thing to Hell. You pass out from the pain, then you wake up screaming. You beg to die. It hurts too much for tears.

This is the pain I woke up with after an 8-hour surgery that resectioned my colon, my ureter and bladder, removed 22 lymph nodes and my uterus/tubes/ovaries and gave me an ileostomy. I woke up from the anesthesia screaming in pain. I begged someone to kill me. I'd pass out, wake up and scream some more. They noted it in my record, so I know it was not a nightmare. Other patients were calling their nurses to get me something for the pain. Morphine is your friend after a surgery like that.

You'd think that was the end of it. That I healed up and got better.

That surgery was the middle of November. I could not stand up in the shower until New Year's Eve. I had eight incisions aside from the ostomy opening, and the hysterectomy incision was four inches horizontally at the top of my pubic bone. Coughing was a 6. Sneezing kicked me to an 8. I couldn't lift anything over 10 pounds by doctor's order.

Even though I was and am experiencing pain, learning to understand it is a journey. Pain is a generic word. A patient without the vocabulary can't communicate anything more than, "It hurts. Make it stop." Hospital personnel are also trained to look for 'drug seeking' behavior. There are three types of pain:

Neuropathic pain is nerve pain due to nerve disorders - in my case a tumor pressing on a nerve. Later complications include neuropathy secondary to chemo and radiation and radiation fibrosis. Neuropathy secondary to chemo symptoms include paresthesias, numbness, balance problems, and weakness in the feet in hands. Symptoms of radiation fibrosis are muscle spasm; muscle weakness, atrophy, or tightness; changes in the appearance and texture of the skin, and decreased joint mobility. In my case my fingertips are tingly, and I feel as if I am wearing the thickest possible wool socks. From time to time, I will get jolts of pain in my toes. My hands are stiff, and from time to time I feel as if nails are being driven into my palms. Neuropathic pain feels like burning, or tingling, or sometimes a stabbing or shooting pain that radiates out like ripples, or follows a path like lightning. During chemo I would have an electrical buzzer feel - like someone pushing a buzzer three times. Opioids by themselves do not help much, so a doc will often recommend an antidepressant like Gabapentin, and might also add anticonvulsants or a benzodiazapine like Ativan.

Somatic pain isn't like neuropathic pain. It stays in one place, but that can be a pretty big place. It feels achy, sometimes a throbbing pain. Muscle relaxants like Robaxin help.

Visceral pain is something everyone has had from time to time. Think of the worst case of food poisoning or a stomach bug. It's often experienced by patients after surgery on their stomach, intestines, and/or colon. Opioids are the treatment of choice as they famously slow down peristalsis.

For most people, pain is transient. For others like those with autoimmune issues, it's relapsing and remitting. For others. it's chronic and needs to be managed along with the patient's mental health.

~

Breaking the taboo

Pain and pain management is a taboo subject. People with pain are afraid of what people think of them being in pain or that people will look down on them for seeking treatment for pain. Part of this has to do with not wanting to be labeled a junkie and the taboos surrounding opioids and benzodiazpines, and mistaking the anxiety and depression pain can cause as 'drug seeking.' Some of the bullshit people in pain have internalized is below.

Pain is a part of life. Suck it up.

I can't take my pain meds when I'm low on the pain scale or I will build a tolerance.

I don't want to get addicted.

My meds can cause constipation. I shouldn't take it.

I don't want to bother the doctor for a refill. They might think I'm drug-seeking.

My family/friends think I need to stop my pain meds.

Anyone who tells me that [pain is a part of life has never been in chronic pain. One friend was 'concerned' that I am on meds and that I ought to stop and 'get used to' the pain. I could always use cannabis anyway. I can agree about developing a tolerance to the pain. I did not know how much pain I was in until the ER doc ordered a shot of morphine, or how much anxiety I was having until the doc on my floor ordered Ativan. Expecting someone to live with pain, it's side effects both mental and physical is barbaric and sadistic. Telling them to medicate with your personal choice of painkiller is vainglorious and cavalier.

~

Adjuvant therapies are self-care

These are the things that have worked for me, and allow me some relatively pain-free days and a lower dose of pain meds. Of course, there are still days when I need the full dose four times per day. Pain is not there or not, it's far from binary, and you can have different levels and types of pain in different areas of your body at the same time. For instance, as I write this, my feet are a Level 1, but my hands are a Level 4, my lower back is a Level 2 - and this is with pain meds, low dose, and an extended release Tylenol.

Tai Chi - I have found these exercises very helpful and the shorts are not distracting, letting me focus on the movements. I do 10-15 minutes morning and evening.

Soft tissue manipulation - massage works for fibrosis, but the best tool I have is... a silicone rolling pin.

Lymphedema self-massage and care - terrific tutorials! 10-15 minutes alternating days with Tai Chi.

Resistance bands and balance - these videos are very helpful not just for seniors, but anyone with muscle weakness and balance issues.

Peddle machine - 30 minutes every day. The movement of my legs helps with lymphedema from those 22 absent lymph nodes.

Warm baths with epsom salts.

A full body ice pack like this one.

TENS unit.

#incredibly informative!! #the chronic have been paining once again

[mosovi-vian]

Yeah sure we’ve all binged a long fic, but have you ever read a WIP and followed someone’s life?

Tidbits of information - (“I graduated today!”) - and small joys (“It’s my birthday!”) and you get to be there to say “This chapter made me cry, happy birthday, thank you for gifting us this”.

I remember reading this fic of someone at the end of high school, older than me then. They seemed infinitely wise, spoke of their future career and getting into the college they wanted. I remember them posting on days they felt like nothing could bring them down - and on days the whole world did and it’s the aftermath of a hospital visit. Cancer, I think it was, their father. I got to the end of the story, I know their father was fine, but also they got to finish their WIP. I graduated three years later than them, still dutifully wrote thank you notes in every comment. I wonder if they remember me, or just the collective of people reading the story as it updates.

Four years ago I was into my first year of university, my first year of figuring out being out in public spaces. I made excuses as to why my name didn’t match my paperwork and read a fic on the train, the same five chapters over and over again for the next years as I thought the story abandoned. It updated this week after such a long hiatus, I left another thank you comment.

There’s an author I love, they update their stories like a clockwork. When they don’t, I check their blog, just to see if their doing alright, not because I feel like they owe me, just to ensure whether I better get out my laptop to write that really detailed university level essay chapter analysis to get them smiling when their day sucked.

And then, once, when I was 17, I read a fic that hadn’t updated in over a decade. I wasn’t even in primary school when it started posting. On the last chapter, I left a comment that, in retrospect, was horribly rambly and most likely full of grammar mistakes. The author replied and though I couldn’t see their face, I thought of them crying. They were married now, had children, and hadn’t thought about this fic in years. They went through their files again, found another half written chapter and an outline. I got two new chapters to read that year.

And then, recently, someone told me they got back into writing original fiction because of my comments. I get to read nearly weekly chapters.

I love binge reading a finished fic, but nothing is ever going to top the feeling of anticipation of waiting for a chapter, the pure joy when someone tells you I was done with this, but you made me think of it again, so this is for you.

Anyway, I think we should romanticize reading WIPs more, growing up alongside the authors writing the stories we love.

[mosovi-vian]

i’ve started to think about ao3 audience interaction as kinda comparable to doing a live reading in an intimate little bookstore, like kudos are everybody who stayed til the end and applauded, comments are everybody who waited to come up to talk to you afterwards, and bookmark comments are the little snatches of conversation you overhear outside.

this helps me feel better/less anxious about responding to comments with some form of thanks, because if someone walked up to me in person and said they liked my work right after reading it, i would compulsively say thanks. it also helps contextualize audience size in a healthy way i think, bc most of us naturally crave more attention on our fic, but if we were actually in the room with even like 20 people applauding and five people waiting after to tell us how awesome we are we’d be fuckin elated.  

[mosovi-vian]

TRUST

#got Gregory Alan Isakov playing in the background #starting to feel safe again

[mosovi-vian]

I subscribed to UNNAMED STREAMING SERVICE a few days ago and gave the login info to all my friends, as one does, but one of them went in and turned on 2-factor authentication and set the phone number to her own cell phone, locking me out of the account

It was an accident and we got it fixed but for a brief moment the betrayal and fury was so great I blacked out and was possessed by the spirit of like a 19th century naval officer, I was pacing around my room like "TO THINK THAT JUDAS HIMSELF NUMBERS HIMSELF AMONG MY COMPATRIOTS"

[mosovi-vian]

getting older can be so amazing? you get more familiar with yourself. learn tips & tricks for troubleshooting your own brain. trial & error helps you build routines that minimize discomfort, maximize reward. your preferences/interests don't get set in stone, but you do find out which ones are going to stay with you in the long-term, and which ones are fun but transient joys to appreciate in the moment.

you learn that the world is so much more complex than you were taught, and that that's okay, and that there's an endless supply of things you can learn or watch or experience or think about if you want to. if you're lucky, you loosen up, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. if you're lucky, you learn to recognize that negative inner voice, and whack it with a baseball bat until it hushes up. if you're lucky, you learn to treat yourself gently, not because you are fragile but because you are worthy of gentleness. (i hope you are lucky.)

and some things will change. some things will get better. some things will get good. and maybe you start to recover from the dehumanizing stress of childhood/education. maybe you learn the power of your own autonomy. maybe you learn how to walk away from bad situations (which is a superpower even if you don't realize it yet). and you get to choose your own clothes. and your own food. and which relationships to pursue! and what you do with your free time. and with your life (but don't worry you get to choose that gradually). and that's crazy! and sometimes scary. and extraordinarily, indescribably precious.