Second and last part of Phic Phight 2021!
Full text below the cut. Warnings for swearing and some drinking mentions.
Mary Baker had a list. She kept it in the back of her calculus notebook. It had started as a joke, something to amuse herself with any time differential equations or taylor series got to be a bit too much. In her three years at uni, it had evolved into a full-on conspiracy theory.
Somehow, despite the multiple thousands of people who went to her school, Mary had had a class with one Daniel Fenton every semester of her college experience. They weren’t even in the same major, but there was quite a lot of overlap between astrophysics and biochemical engineering, weirdly enough, and so every September and every January, Mary found herself walking into at least one class to find Fenton already there.
The list at the back of her calculus notebook was, in theory, very simple. In practice, it was the bane of her existence, and she was sure if she could figure out what it all meant, she’d be the youngest Nobel Prize winner in history.
THAT FENTON KID: WTF IS HIS DEAL???
Doesn’t sleep??? Ever???
Frosh roomie Jake says he always went to bed first and by the time he woke up, Fenton would already be awake
Jake is an avid partyer, joined the frat with the highest DUI rate
Jake goes to bed at 2am on a good day
Got an on-campus single soph + junior year
RA 1 Beth, says he never caused any issues
RA 2 Mac, Fenton brought them fudge a lot but only late at night
Espresso dealer knows Fenton by name and order
I have never once seen Fenton in that coffee shop when the sun is shining
Al says Fenton is in the library studying until like 4am when they close
Al also doesn’t sleep, testimony should be taken with caution
Once twice thrice Came to class through 3rd+ story window
Calc 1: 12
History of Ghanian Art: 6
Intro bagpiping: 1 (carrying bagpipes in one arm and bag on back)
Chem 1: 4
Calc 3: 10
Phys 1: 8
Espresso dealer says Fenton chills on the roof of Smith Hall
No roof access to Smith Hall per janitors + admin
Smith Hall is in the middle of a field w/ no trees
Captain of Parkour Club
Also, founded Parkour Club
There’s like two other members and they’re both from the same tiny town in the middle-of-bumfuck-nowhere Illinois
Where tf is Fenton from???
Only does work in Spooky von Haunted Library
Racist pos can go die in a hole, I will only ever refer to that hellscape by the actual fun shit that happens there
But yeah Fenton never works anywhere else
Per Al, who works the night shift there three days a week
Checked with Greg @ SP Lib and Wren @ 28th St Lib, they’ve never seen him at their libraries
Talks to ghosts?
Per Al, has convos w/ legit nothing
Finally broke down? Wish it were me
Seems to get inspired by said convos w/ nothing
No sense of danger? There’s a better way to word that but idk man
Took 20 cr first semester, 3.8 gpa
SEE?!?!? DOESN’T SLEEP!!!
Took calc 3 with Smith
Which is the dumbest move possible, Smith grades way too hard
Also, somehow pulled an A
Dude ends up on top of tallest buildings on campus every week
And then fucking leans over the side to figure out how to get down wtf???
I wrote this down like a year ago and then forgot fuck
Hazmat spill in chem lab, Fenton legit didn’t realize
Finished the lab, turned it in, walked out none the wiser
Might have drank hydrochloric acid once????
Nani says so
Normally I’d trust her, but there’s no fucking way
Def downed a whole bottle of ammonia
What, cocaine not enough for you???
But yeah chem 1
So yeah actually I believe Nani he totally drank hydrochloric acid
Oh lol yeah a bear got on quad
Fucking Fenton chased it away allll bu self
Also some jakcass had paintted it fucking brught green
lol frat boys amiright?
i’m too fucking drunk for thsi rn later mary can deal wtih the bear
Walked through a wall
Okay what the unmitigated fucking hell????
Fenton just fucking walked through a wall in the middle of the math building I swear to god
I am dead sober right now, it’s fucking noon on a fucking tuesday and he just walked through a fucking wall
I don’t think i was suppsed to see tihs one boys
Its kinda late lol like 4am but not toooooooo late
And i mean yeah mayeb i’m a teeny weeny bit itnoxcaded
But i stg fenton jst fckng flew
Jumped oof the top of Smtih Haal
And then jst knda hovred for a hot mnt or 2
then f*cking uh flew away
look i derw a baby star
No curses in ym bok, nope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im gona go to slep now
he fcuking flies i cant deal rn
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