I get a saddening number of messages from women in relationships that claim to be d/s and are really weak, terrible men hiding behind d/s to manipulate and abuse women. In that light, I want to make a few global points.
Consent is never an option. Consent isn’t optional. Consent isn’t optional. Consent isn’t optional. Taking on the mantle of an s-type never, ever removes your right of consent. You set your limits, you can safe word to stop something from happening, you can always say no. If he ignores your consent.. he’s abusing you.
There is no such thing as “what subs do” You define who and what you are, no one else. There’s nothing you must do to be a “good sub”, there’s nothing you have to perform to prove you’re a “real sub”. If he tries to manipulate you into doing things.. he’s abusing you.
You always have the right to discuss the relationship. Meta-talks are critical to a d/s relationship. You always have the right to discuss, while respecting the dynamic and the d-type, your concerns and wants. If he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say and expects you to just take what he doles out with a smile on your face.. he’s abusing you, and quite possibly a fucking sociopath.
Limits and safewords aren’t optional. You get to set your limits, you get to decide what the boundaries are and he absolutely must, at all times respect those boundaries. Limits can be discussed, via meta-talk outside of any scene, but they absolutely can not ever be breached. Safewords (and safe gestures) are how you keep your right of consent and a key way you stay safe. He can not, ever, in any way, ignore a safe word. If he tells you he “doesn’t do safe words” or if he ignores your limits… he’s abusing you.
I get it, it’s hard to know what d/s is and isn’t supposed to look like when you’re starting out. It’s easy to get snagged by someone that has the right words. But if it feels wrong, then it’s wrong. Talk to someone with experience, talk to some friends, but don’t just put up it and expect it’s just what you’re going to have with d/s.
My inbox and asks are always open. If you need to talk or ask questions about your relationship, reach out to me, please. Don’t let yourself continue to be victimized by these sacks of vulture shit.
Disclaimer: I know d/s doesn’t have gender roles, and women can absolutely abuse vulnerable men. I seem to only hear from it going one way and this was directly in relation to that.
“…..Aren’t optional.” If the person you are speaking with dismisses any of these as unnecessary, disengage. I don’t care how well they “speak” to your “inner sub.” The fact is that you are responsible for your own safety and knowledge. Submitting to someone who can “train” you to learn your role is like a marathoner running 26 miles on their first day of training in order to understand what it takes to be a marathoner.
CONSENT IS REQUIRED, ALWAYS.
The Buffalo River is closed for recreational use on account of COVID19. Let’s all share some great memories we’ve captured on the Buffalo until we can enjoy it again.
Heading out this weekend for a much needed backpacking trip. Can’t wait to feel the leaves crunch under my feet.