mrsrainey1970

[mrsrainey1970]

My son is trans. And he is wonderful. Life-affirming and kind and the type who has never met a stranger. He is having a rough time right now. He works in a job where they don’t appreciate him. He is saving for top surgery but some of his coworkers deadname him, just to be jerks.

I wish I had gendered him correctly and gave him the right name at the beginning of his life. But he is on this journey now. I am so proud!

[mrsrainey1970]

Dear Dad,

What was dying like? Did it hurt? I know you died - technically - of bladder cancer - but you were dying for so long it made me wonder about the pain and the not-knowing. I live with pain every day and am so lucky to have found doctors who will treat that pain.

You were always such a grouch. I tell people you were like Stanley in “The Office” with the crossword puzzles and asking his boss, “Did I stutter?” But were you always sad, or angry? I don’t remember too many moments of happiness in your life. You had Mom and nine children, amd we wiped you out, trying to take care of us day by day. Maybe you were happy when babies were born, but I don’t recall because no babies came after me.

Were you happy when grandbabies were born? When we graduated from school? When were you happy?

Love and miss you,

Number 9

[mrsrainey1970]

I use my television to help manage my anxiety. It helps to know there are certain sitcoms on at noon to 3 p.m., or after 6 p.m. The main problem is that TV stations will sometimes make big changes in their schedules. Something like “Big Bang Theory” will be changed to “Family Guy.”

My husband doesn’t understand why or how I can watch the same episode of a sitcom one thousand times. I can’t explain other than to say the repetition is comforting and I don’t like surprises.

I have started a medication for my anxiety, but I honestly don’t think it works. The doctor told me it takes several weeks but we are in the third month. Sigh. My antidepressant didn’t work either and it took over a year to find one.

I just want to feel better! Now!

#anxiety #television #feelings

[mrsrainey1970]

A friend gave me a few anti-anxiety pills and now they call to me. What is the level of anxiety that I need to reach to take one? I live in it all the time. Maybe I should break them in half. Take them before I go to sleep. I just want the promise of zero anxiety for a few hours. Why is that so difficult to secure?

[mrsrainey1970]

Anxiety is a son of a bitch. It makes you tentative and afraid and run to the bathroom. It gives you more than butterflies: it makes you pace and move and the pacing you hope will cure your nervous brain more often than not, doesn’t.

I once had a job interview in another state. I had been unemployed for a while and the job was writing for a living. Unfortunately the nerves hit just before the interview and I had to run to the toilet, where I had the worst diarrhea ever. After I finished, I left the bathroom and there were five people waiting outside. I knew it was terrible-smelling (anxiety poops are always the worst) and I slunk past the waiting crowd to the interview.

But, of course, I did not get the job. I wanted to run amd avoid the interview, but I stayed. I can only hope they forgot me and my stinkiness quickly.

I am now on antidepressants and medication for my anxiety but some days it feels like things are still as stressful as that day at the job interview. It helps to know others are going through what I am.

#anxiety

[mrsrainey1970]

Do you know what it was like for us, growing up with your anger? Do you know I still look in every face and check for the telltale signs? Dad, maybe you had a right to be furious, but did you have to take it out on your children?

I am 50 years old and still afraid of you. You never hit me but you hit Matt and Mark in front of me and that terrified me. I married a man who is only gentle with me, thank God, but I could have easily married an angry person. I must have only been four or five when that happened, the hitting of their two heads together, them reeling to different sides of the basement. And you never felt you needed to apologize or stop being scary.

[mrsrainey1970]

I miss being able to go to sleep easily. Now I need my husband beside me and a pet nearby. My anxiety otherwise is crazy. I miss the ease I used to love in sleep.

#i just want to sleep #anxiety

[mrsrainey1970]

*watches recipe in cookbook*

Okay so I need 3 eggs

*walks over the fridge*

3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs 3 eggs

*opens fridge*

Wait was it 2 eggs

[mrsrainey1970]

[mrsrainey1970]

Iridescent Chalcopyrite with Dolomite & Honey Calcite - Missouri, USA

Credit: Daniel Virgadaula

[mrsrainey1970]

This is my new favorite hangout spot. I walked here from home with a cup of tea and my watercolor supplies. A floating dock out of the reach of sun or rain floats underneath the marina. And it has friends. 😍

[mrsrainey1970]

[mrsrainey1970]

I started reading about felony disfranchisement and I learned how the US is among the most punitive nations, daaaamn. between that and the trouble you give people to vote in the first place I'm not sure the system truly can be called a democracy.

It’s iffy at best, to be honest. Voter disenfranchisement is build right into our system at its core. It’s super fucked. 

[mrsrainey1970]

[mrsrainey1970]

Lupita Nyong'o & Letitia Wright –Graphite & charcoal on Ivory paper. by  Martin Shem

[mrsrainey1970]

[mrsrainey1970]

ow ouch owie my brain