musings-of-a-manifestor

[musings-of-a-manifestor]

Feeling shit.

Lockdown pt 2739283628. 4am and I can’t sleep for the 2nd week in a row. I feel both perpetually defeated and guilty at the same time.

I have an opportunity to work from home at a reasonably easy job but I just feel so overwhelmed and anxious and can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t enjoy it, I feel directionless, I feel like I have no purpose or future, I feel stuck, I feel overwhelmed and guilty that I feel all of these things when I’ve got it pretty well.

I know it’s okay to not feel okay because we’re going through a pandemic, but I’m constantly second guessing myself and feeling like I shouldn’t be allowed to feel this way. So tired of questioning every thought that I have as to whether it’s morally or ethically right. Now I’m pissed off tumblr won’t let me delete words and I’m at breaking point and I just want to die but I don’t want to kill myself but I’ve recently learnt that’s technically still suicidal thoughts which I’ve been having for years so yay that’s new.

To elaborate on the questioning every thought (now that tumblr is letting me edit things correctly) ; these days I feel as though every thought that goes through my brain about practically everything I question again myself morally. For example, I’m trying to eat less meat for ethical reasons and in my mind whilst I acknowledge that small steps are key, I’m also criticising myself that I should already be vegan, and I should be recycling more and be a better activist for POC and minorities and I’m pretty sure that I’m bisexual but then I also doubt myself as I’ve only been with one woman and I was drunk, but also I need to be a better friend and daughter, but I also need to work hard to get money so I can move out but I don’t want to do a job I don’t enjoy but I don’t know WHAT i enjoy or what I’m good at and I’m scared to try anything in case I fail because I need to be perfect first time and I’m constantly feeling as though I’m being judged by my mum even though she’s always been in my corner but we operate differently and yet we’re also so similar and I also want to make a difference in this world but I feel like I’m being fake and must only want that to look good and I know I’m a bad dog mum because I don’t give my dog the love she deserves and she’s old and will die soon and I feel guilty and yet I still don’t do it and I just want to go party with friends but I’m nearly 30 and I feel like I should have my life together more by now but also at the same time I don’t think people should have a set lifestyle to patriarchal norms and I’m trying to break away from that learnt behaviour including food behaviour but I also hate my body and want to loose weight to look hot so people will think I’m attractive but also fuck men and the patriarchy and why can’t I just do better and be a better person and I think all of this constantly when I take a second to stop and pause but do absolutely zero about it because all these thoughts flood my head all at once and it makes me anxious and then I’m frozen in place unable to do anything, even things I enjoy because I can’t function like this. (no grammar in that section because that’s literally how the thoughts happen)

I just want to reach out to friends and tell them I’m not okay so I can have support or just someone to care, but in the same token I know most of them are going through the same thing and I don’t want to burden them with my issues.

[musings-of-a-manifestor]

Part 2 - brain dump

Feeling shit again today. Do you ever get that feeling where you feel such a lack of emotional/mental energy but simultaneously you also feel guilty for not wanting to be there for others in the same situation? Or just being able to show up as your usual helpful/kind self for the everyday people in your life? This is probably going to be a depressing as fuck blog as as I said in my previous post (I think?) I’ve been told to write when my energy is low. Here’s a thought I’ve been having lately, I think I should dump my boyfriend. We’ve only been dating for just over a month I think (officially), and 10 months ago I came out of an almost 11.5 year monogamous relationship which ended due to growing apart and a difference in core values. During my previous relationship I figured out I was Bi and didn’t think I’d ever get the chance to explore that, so when I became single I was excited to explore that side of my sexuality as well as experiencing other sexual experiences (as my previous relationship was the first and only person I’d been with). Being single was fun, but I was starting to crave something more serious? Well really I just wanted the affection and attention that a relationship brings but with the flexibility to sleep/flirt with other people. But now that I’m in this relationship, whilst we’ve compromised that I can still sleep with women I honestly don’t know if that’s enough for me right now.

I don’t think I can exclusively commit to him and to be honest I don’t think that he’s right for me. He’s sweet, kind, funny, nerdy, loves music and attractive enough, which are all great things. But, he’s not so much on the academic side (more-so than my ex, but still not quite what I’m looking for) and he’s not passionate about humanitarian causes (which is one of the main reasons I broke up with my ex). And just to be shallow, because lets be honest, most of us think these things to, his personal hygiene and fashion sense (or lack thereof) bothers me a little and the fact that he doesn’t seem to have an ambition to move out of his parents house at the age of 29. Also, his lack of confidence in the bedroom bothers me, and just his lack of confidence in general. And just to put the hypocritical icing on the cake he’s a tiny bit on the chubby side for my preference. Although the physical attributes aren’t a reason on their own to stop dating someone especially when a lot of their other characteristics are amazing, they definitely contribute to the overall factor. He also lives 3 hours away. Anywho, that’s all I feel like writing today so I’m going to end this here.

Adios

[musings-of-a-manifestor]

Part 1, Day 1, Numero Uno

I’ve never done a blog before, so here I go. I mean it’s honestly for no one but myself so I can get my thoughts out of my brain. As a manifestor (which is a personality type within Human Design) with the strategy to inform, for me to be in alignment with myself, no matter how uncomfortable or unnatural it feels, to inform the universe and people around me of my thoughts and feelings.  I was also told that when I am in my low energy moods to do inwardly creative things, such as writing, to balance my alignment? I’m not actually sure of the reason, just that it was suggested to me. So, here I am, having a depressive episode about life and writing about it on my blog for the world to see.

I have a million thoughts running through my brain, and just feel so overwhelmed like I can’t control them or sort them out so they don’t all come at once. A thought that’s been stuck in my brain the last few days was my mum telling me she doesn’t think I currently have depression. That really made me angry and I’m not sure if it’s because of her dismissal of it because she’s had it, and works within an industry that she has to deal with other people who have a multitude of mental health problems, and I’m not presenting like your standard depressed person OR if it’s because I think she’s right.

That then spirals me into the thought that if she is right that I’m now just over reacting by having a mental break down in the middle of work and bawling my eyes out. That I’m just a drama queen, and an attention seeking person who loves to play victim. And to be honest, I feel like I do like being the vicitim and feeling as thought there’s something wrong with me -unfinished due to Mum returning home and me not wanting her to see this and then feeling so bleh I didn’t want to come back to it, then not feeling in the right headspace and then feeling guilty about leaving it so long.