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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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Another nightmare
I dreamed I asked my ex's family how my ex was doing. They said they'd just picked him up--I thought from a hospital or psychiatric ward--from the morgue, they said.
And I just stared blankly at them for a second before offering weak hugs of condolence and kind of stumbling away.
So today I keep having fond remembrances of my ex, and seconds later thinking Oh right, the one person I ever fell in love with could very well be dead now.
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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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Found
The title reads,
"NUMBERS... WHAT THEY MEAN"
I can't help but laugh at the omen implied by the ellipsis.
Other information:
"Kid Stuff Kid Vid(TM)"
"SEE&LEARN VHS KSL 9002 Program time: 30 min"
"Written by Michael Mark and Leszek Burzynski Performed by Michael Mark and Mary Mark [A husband and wife duo; how charmingly low-budget.] Produced by Leszek Burzynski & Arthur Writ Computer images by Avekta Productions, NY [They forgot to credit MS Paint.] (C) and (P) 1985 IJE, Inc. All Rights Reserved Kid Stuff Records & Tapes, 450 North Park Road, Hollywood, FL 33021"
Apologies in advance to all parties named above. I hope you all don't mind a couple of isolated screen shots--that is, photos taken of the television screen while I play this thing on a VCR. Because 1985 and all that jazz.
Anyway, just think of it as payback for the years of nightmares you gave us all.
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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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Out of sight...
Sometimes I wish people were better able to remember things that aren't right in front of them. When I haven't posted things on social media for a while, that's usually when I could use a note or a text from my friends asking if I'm okay.
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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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Note to someone
I couldn't tell you this at the time because I didn't have the words, but I loved you more than I loved myself. Because of that, I lived in constant fear that you would stop loving me. I didn't want to break your heart, but I could feel the anxiety destroying me. I finally realized that love shouldn't make you afraid.
I'm glad that I met you and that I loved you fully for the short amount of time that I could. I'm sorry, and will be forever, for the day I watched you break down because I had told you it was over. I may never see you again in this life, but I still hope that you're doing better. If the world lost someone like you because of me, I'd never be able to forgive myself.
I love you, as much as the distance and the heartbreak will allow--sometimes, that's more than I can bear.
All strength and hope be with you.
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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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This is too true. Ghost stories and supernatural horror become an escape when real life presents such terrors as grief, guilt, and helplessness.
Cherish your friends, family, and loved ones. Be ever mindful of those less fortunate than you. In everything you do, strive to do right by those around you, so that the darkness of the human mind can never extinguish the hope of a brighter day.
What am I afraid of?
That’s a common question I have heard throughout my days. What truly scares me?
This is what scares me.
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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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Not everything is sad or frightening
I post a lot about nightmares and anxieties here, but I really try not to be a depressing person. I try to take the good with the bad, be grateful for the good and learn from the bad. I have good dreams sometimes, after all.
Dreams can be very interesting, too. They can tell you a lot about what's on your mind. The past two nights, my dreams included cameo appearances by some of my favorite celebrities, an alternate backstory for the prince from Beauty and the Beast, and a sequence in which I became a ghost and contemplated the merit of staying on earth and helping people. I don't exactly know what all of that means, but it gives me something to think about. That seems a virtue to me.
Even nightmares offer something to ponder. That's why I started this blog, to examine some of my nightmares and perhaps to shed light on the source of some of my earliest fears. In doing so, I aim not so much to dwell on the things that hurt or scare me, but instead to analyze elements present in my formative years and better understand what they mean to me today.
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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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Worse than nightmares
I've come to expect one or two disturbing images in my dreams each night. They used to jolt me awake and make me scared to go back to sleep, but not so much anymore. Once the adrenaline rush dies down, I roll over and embrace sweet slumber once more.
I've written about this before: My worst dreams play on the fears and regrets I've developed as an adult. They give me a sinking feeling in my gut long after I wake up. Even if I haven't missed any sleep, they make me tired.
Last night, my ex showed up in my dream, in the middle of a party with all of my relatives in attendance. In real life we didn't get to see each other much, and in the dream I recognized the cruel irony in seeing him after we split. He mocked me simply by showing up. Then everything deteriorated into this montage of sex acts between him and some girl...I eventually recognized the absurdity of it all, but it hasn't done much to ease my pain today.
I don't know what happened to make my mind so vulnerable. I just hope that doing things I like and getting a night of better dreams will improve my emotional state.
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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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You shouldn't have done that
Looking up BEN DROWNED on the internet probably wasn't the greatest decision I've ever made. Let's see how the "song of un-healing" works as a lullaby...
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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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Bad dreams: Past and present
I think I've suffered from insomnia since I was quite little. My first experience I can remember was when I was still gaining control of all of my physical faculties, and the simple act of closing my eyes was a mystery. I remember staring at the shadows on my wall at night, spending hours that way. I did fall asleep eventually, after studying my wall and my desk and the corner of the ceiling for a very long time. Falling asleep, much like closing my eyes, was a mystery.
But the worst was when I'd recently had a nightmare. Sometimes it was about the "Eight Little Indians," sometimes that song was spliced onto the end of Fantasia where the "Night on Bald Mountain" segment should have been. Sometimes it was something coming to get me. But more often than not, my nightmares were about audio-visual stimuli and there was no tangible threat I had to escape. In fact, the scariest thing was that I couldn't shut these sights and sounds out.
I've had such nightmares well into my adult life, when hypnogogic hallucinations jolt me into alertness just when I'm falling asleep, or mind-made jumpscares eject me from a dream. I think they mostly find their bases in screamer-pranks and creepypasta, things I stumble upon online when my curiosity gets the best of me. But I don't mind these moments of panic as much as I did when I was younger.
My worst dreams these days are the ones where bad things happen to the people who are closest to me, or when I see one of my exes and wake up depressed, even crying. Last night I dreamed there was a sickness going around. Someone people I knew were dying, but I didn't know them very well and I didn't feel much about it. But then I realized my sister was also dying from the disease, and that she would eventually become a zombie before she finally died. It suddenly hit me that I would have to live my life without a sister.
Still, there are spans of time when I'm hesitant to go to bed because I'm afraid of what gruesome images my mind will recall. I'm getting fewer of them as I get older, but it still happens once in a while. It's always about audio-visual things, images and sound-fixations, just like when I was little.
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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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First contact
Last night I shared my objective with some of my friends and asked them if, perchance, the description of the video sounded familiar. It turns out not only did one of them know exactly which video I was talking about, but he knew of another video by the same company about letters. Apparently that one is pretty creepy, too. We plan to share these two videos with our group of friends as a sort of double-feature. Should be interesting.
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my1stnightmare · 11 years
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On a mission: "Numbers: What They Mean"
I don't know if it's uncommon to recall your first phobic experience. Maybe the thing I remember isn't my first phobia at all, but I've had an aversion to it almost as far back as I can remember.
My apologies if things get a little "Candle Cove" in here. It's a little exciting for me to think that I'm writing what could be grounds for a creepypasta. There's no supernatural phenomena or strange occurrences so far, just the fact that for over twenty years I've been afraid of something as innocuous as a video designed to teach kids about numbers.
I don't have my hands on the tape at the moment, but from what I remember, the video was about thirty minutes long and was called "Numbers: What They Mean". It was made, I estimate, in the late eighties or early nineties, judging from the ages of my cousins and the time I received the tape. Very low budget; animations were 2-3 frames in a loop, and the whole thing looked like it might have been made in MS paint or something of a similar caliber. The background of the whole thing was black, which may have added to the unease with which I viewed it.
There were ten segments or so, of which the segment on the number eight in particular came to frighten me. I will delineate the segments here:
Intro: Three voice are introduced, one female and two male, and they sing the theme song. I remember some lyrics:
"You can count on numbers / Numbers count / They tell you how many / They tell you the exact amount
How many bugs in Bugville / How many [unclear] bees / How many singing ants and worms / [unclear]
1 2 3 / 4 5 6 / 7 8 9 / 10!
Oh you can count on numbers / Numbers count / They tell you how many / They tell you the exact amount"
One: Song about single things. I remember there being one boy, one ball, one bat, but not much else. I think the title was something like "It isn't hard to count to one".
Two: Not a song per se, but the three voices discuss things that come in pairs. In the sequence I remember, they talk about pairs of instruments: Trumpets, trombones, flutes, drums/tympani, all of which play in MIDI. As they add more instruments, the music becomes louder and more confused until one of the men shouts "TWO EARMUFFS!" And the sequence ends.
Three: Not a magic number, sadly. I think it starts out with two kids wanting an extra playmate. There's this weird part where they're in the living room of the house and one of the voices says, "Let's see who's at the door!" Cut to the door. Door opens on a strange man with sharp teeth and--I think--a top hat, who says apparently roars. (This part actually scared me quite a bit when I was little, but after reviewing it in recent years, the man looks rather goofy.) The door closes and someone says something to the effect of "Oops! Let's try that again!" They do the same thing, except now a nice-looking woman is at the door and she says "Hello!" The voice says, "Phew, that's better."
Four: Song: "It's four, of course!" Song talking about different things that come in four, including the legs on a horse and the number of freckles on a boy's face. I remember the horses looking very odd. Towards the end, they did a sort of 2-frame can-can dance, ending with the final chorus, "The number is four, of course!" And the horse on the far right opens its mouth and brays, "Five!"
Five: To be honest, I don't remember much of number five. I think they counted the fingers on one hand.
Six: Song: "Six chairs for six bears." It was a sort of teddy bear birthday party with six guests, six chairs, six presents, six candles on the cake...
Seven: They named the days of the week.
Eight: Song: "Eight little Indians". This is the one I had nightmares about. In the times I watched this video after I developed a fear of this segment, I would get anxious starting at the seventh segment. Before each song/discussion, a number of boxes would appear to count up to the current number, making a sort of "sproing" sound increasing in pitch until the number was reached. Then the number would be drawn in white, like with chalk, accompanied by a sort of slide-whistle interpretation of the movements of the strokes. The slide-whistle noise for eight sounded particularly ominous to me.
The song is a sort of monotone chant counting from one to eight. It shouldn't be scary, but even as an adult it gives me a jolt when I remember it. The images are about eight Indians hunting, dancing, chanting around a fire... "Eight little Indians / went out hunting [...] Eight little Indians / saw their chance / Eigth litte Indians / had a campfire dance [...] Eight little Indians / ate eight eights..." (The eights were like birds, the number eight with wings attached. One frame showed them shooting them from the sky with bows and arrows.)
Nine: A song about baseball. Much of it is the coach yelling at one of his players, talking about how there need to be nine players, nine gloves, and nine baseball bats ("Is your head made out of wood?"). Did they mention nine innings?
Ten: There's a reprise of the intro song. The female voice is going to sleep, so they decide to count down from ten. There are ten blocks to begin with; each number mentioned makes one disappear--with a very loud noise. The other voices are concerned the noise will wake up the sleeper. The first noise is a gunshot, giving the impression that the first block was shot.
So I guess the question I'm hoping to answer is, does this sound familiar to anyone, and if so, what can you tell me about your experience with it?
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