myteasgonecoldiwonderwhy
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My main blog, home to diary posts. I try to post regularly, but college doesn't allow me. Check out my
planet.
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It never gets better
19-12-2023
A lie. That's what it is. That's what all of this is.
We sit at the board, pick a side to play, knowing full well that a long, drawn out game of chess lies ahead of us. We feel that we have prepared well, or at least enough to not lose.
Hold on, what's that? Is that how the knight moves? Why am I losing rooks randomly? What is going on?
You refuse to believe that such a horror is unfolding right in front of your eyes. It was supposed to be a game of strategy and intelligence Life just played 53. Bxa8=Q and nothing makes sense anymore..
You look under the table - wait why is there a levitating dice what is this doing here-
It's chance. it's luck. It's entropy and chaos in its purest form. It's anything but chess. Push the pawns, your position will improve. Keep the bishop pair, your endgame will be better. No, we will not be having any of that today. You play with the hand that you're dealt, not with the pieces you can control.
It never gets better. Never. Life is just shitty.
Why so sad, one might ask - let me tell you a little about how I function. To say that I have 0 self confidence would be disrespecting the idea of 0. What that means is that I reject myself at the very outset of pursuing anything. That leaves me with two alternatives - either quit before even beginning, or start with 0 hope and already have failure in mind. Usually when I try the second approach, I don't end up performing that bad at all - there have been instances when I have genuinely surprised myself. This time, well. everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. And then some.
But that's not even the worst part of the story - you want to know why things have gone so wrong? It's because I ought to have done some other things before, other really important things. And it's not like I didn't know about it or didn't have the opportunity - it just so happened to be that I chose approach A in all those cases - a quit before start.
I don't have regrets. I am incapable of functioning any other way. I have tried to get out of this. But at the very core of my psyche lies my extreme phobia of failure. Why quit before start - starting and failing hurts me in a way that's it's impossible to put to words. So I don't start. You can't fail a course you didn't take. You can't have a heartbreak if you have always been single. I know this is not normal, I know people would find it funny. It's just who I am.
Note to future me, like 20 years later :
Idk if you'll ever come back to this embarrassment of a blog, or whether tumblr would even exist. Don't laugh at it. Please. This was written by a past you, a much more stupid version of you, who was in a very dark place at the time. When you think you have hit rock bottom but then you discover an abyss at the bottom of the ocean. That's what I am feeling like right now.
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so THAT was a lie. lmao.
I'm writing a new post rn tho. See you in an hour or so :)
The Return of the King
16-09-2023
Guess who's back. Back when the world was least expecting his resurrection. Back from his lowest, trying to reach for the stars and beyond.
A metric shit ton has happened in the past five months. Will narrate it over the next few weeks (weekly posts every Saturday lessgo)
Oh, I have exams next week. Wish me luck!
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LOL.
How do I keep reviving this blog every year around mid September
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The Return of the King
16-09-2023
Guess who's back. Back when the world was least expecting his resurrection. Back from his lowest, trying to reach for the stars and beyond.
A metric shit ton has happened in the past five months. Will narrate it over the next few weeks (weekly posts every Saturday lessgo)
Oh, I have exams next week. Wish me luck!
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Pick up the sticks
17-04-2023
Final week of Semester 6. Stress. Last sem with labs tho.
Summer is going to be interesting - will keep you posted (I'm talking like a post every other day level of "posted", hell yeah)
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High 5
16-11-2022
Finale week of the fifth semester.
Today. Beginning of the end.
Over in the next 9 days.
Wish me luck?
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I Swear To Pythagoras ... .... .....
01-10-2022
ISTP - yep.. in case you hadn't realised by now (assuming there's at least SOMEONE who is viewing a post by me for the 2nd time lol) - I am an engineer breed of monke. It has its perks, but lately I have realised that I am much like the Tin Woodman from the Wizard of Oz, and as Chandler would say - " it makes me feel so bad in my hollow, tin chest!"
when i say "i have realised" it was actually brought up by one of my "friends" - that i think way too logically and completely misread situations where people might be emotional and that might affect their decisions... it's like there is a line of thought that is totally foreign to me, almost alien, because i fail to rationalise the WHY behind it?
and then i said to him, almost instantly - "you know what, i would have been a damn DAMN good lawyer XD"
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Turmoil
17-09-2022
Wow, almost 4 months since my last post. Wow.
back in may I was so hopeful about working with a professor, just yeeting myself into research, maybe discovering what my real passion is. it's september now - all i have achieved is securing an internship for the next summer. and yes, while that is quite something for a lot of people - you work over the summer, land yourself an offer from the company and then graduate with a great job - i still haven't found out what it is that i really want to do.
sometimes i feel so angry - why can't i be like the other guys who are chilling after securing their own internships, knowing full well that their grades do not matter anymore, they can bust their asses off during those twelve weeks and land a job. but no, i still have to worry about my gpa, worry about my cv, worry about not having a reseearch publication, worry about the gre and the toefl, worry about stanford and delft, worry about being a knight hennessey or a fullbright, worry SO MUCH.
cursed with anxiety - you can never really stop worrying
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Multiverse?
20-05-2022
"our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives"
truer words have never been spoken...
seriously, what am i doing. why am i doing whatever i am doing. the eli5 version of that would be "you work because you need money to live" but my question is not that superficial. why am i majoring in electronics, if you ask - well idk. i took the JEE and just got that served to me. that was not an informed decision, because a 17 year old simply cannot make that decision lmao. so here i am, majoring in electronics - and it's not that i hate electronics and think of it as a burden no no.... my question is just WHY. i could have easily chosen something else, had my performance on that fateful day had been ever so slightly different, i would be in another uni studying something else. so, come to think of it, my career choice is just one of many that could have come my way by sheer luck, which makes this particular reality not so very special.
and that is exactly what i hate about it all. the person to blame for this is myself, because i never wanted to do anything in the first place. i didn't have a favourite subject, i hated studying. i don't have a dream job, i am damn lazy. i don't have an answer to "where do you see yourself in 10 years" because honestly, i don't know and i don't care?
am i slowly getting disconnected from reality?
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Myopia
16-05-2022
they say that i have had it since i was 7. only recently did i realise what it means..
Myopia - the medical condition where your eyes cannot focus on objects which are beyond a certain distance from you. Causes - permanent increase in convexity of the lens in your eye, gradual shortening of your eyeball, corneal issues etc
and yes I have had it since I was 7, it grew progressively worse and now I have eyeshite. it's hard for me to properly see anything that is not 2 feet from me without my glasses. I can't even see my glasses on the table without my glasses, it's THAT bad.
but there is more to it than meets the eye. it has breached the 3 dimensions of space into the fourth dimension of time. i'm myopic, but not just in the eyes anymore. i have become someone who cannot think of the future, the future doesn't excite me or drive me or even terrify me, i just don't care about the future. i have regrets regarding what i did in the past, but funnily enough, even those feelings don't push me towards trying to construct a better future for me. anything that's going on in the present affects we wayy more than it should - so in the middle of the semester i will be panicking at all times, not realising that the semester only lasts a 100 days, and now that the semester is over, i have gone from panicking to sleeping for more than half of the day, again not realising that the break only lasts a 100 days.
need to drag my blind ass back to work
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THIS IS SO ME AAAAAA
Do u ever see what ppl ur age are accomplishing and ur just like “wow” and u go back to bed.
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Falling apart
23-03-2022
It's 5AM. I have a test 7 hours from now. That's all my life is now, there's this test, then there's another one, oh there goes and assignment. Panicking over not having an internship for the summer. Ruing the missed opportunities. Have I really fucked myself over or is there still some hope for me?
I have stopped enjoying and having fun. Like nothing I do seems fun anymore. I just do them out of habit that's all. It's like brushing your teeth in the morning.
College is tough.
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Hello friend! I hope your sleep is restful and your day is fulfilling and you encounter at least one thing that is soft and cozy
Hey there anon! (hey so you didn't really mention the secret valentines thing but I'm just assuming coz I NEVER get asks on my profile, let alone TWO of them)
Thank you for your well wishes - I am trying to sleep better these days but my anxiety has other plans lmao. "Soft and cozy" is rare around these parts of town - I do have some nice crunchy apples with me rn that I was eating over the past week (I'm still left with four of them, oh god). So yeah, spent the past few days munching on apples and trying to get better at electronics!
PS - sorry for the late reply - I was down with a cold :((
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Hello friend! There was a beautiful sunset on my way home, reflected across the snow. I hope joys reflect across your life as well!
(yay got an ask)
Thank you so much anon for your well wishes - it's something that I really need in my life rn. Have been struggling with an ensemble of issues in my life - am also super homesick.
I wish you well, and hope you have an excellent rest of your day!
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6pm, time for some serious study.
I also finished half a pack of biscuits in the meantime - something i'm not proud of
Got nothing in my brain
02-02-2021
Welcome back to a brand new episode of "me-freaking-out-because-all-the-profs-align-their-tests-on-consecutive-days"! This time we are witnessing a blockbuster three way battle between Signals, Electronics and ElectroMag - brawling it out over the weekend. Stay tuned for the live action starting Thursday!
God help me. I'm in ruins. Literally. I feel lonely, there's nothing, absolutely nothing to do (no, binging 5 seasons of My Hero Academia in 4 days isn't DOING SOMETHING). I'm still dragging that internship that was supposed to be over LONG LONG ago - and now I also have to think about what to do next summer...
But let's not get too ahead of ourselves and focus on the upcoming hellish weekend that our profs have lined up for us. Tests on Thursday, Friday, and assignment to turn in on Saturday, test on Monday along with lab, and the lab submission the very next day. Crazy 6 days approaching - I need to brac for impact...
I want to cry.
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Got nothing in my brain
02-02-2021
Welcome back to a brand new episode of "me-freaking-out-because-all-the-profs-align-their-tests-on-consecutive-days"! This time we are witnessing a blockbuster three way battle between Signals, Electronics and ElectroMag - brawling it out over the weekend. Stay tuned for the live action starting Thursday!
God help me. I'm in ruins. Literally. I feel lonely, there's nothing, absolutely nothing to do (no, binging 5 seasons of My Hero Academia in 4 days isn't DOING SOMETHING). I'm still dragging that internship that was supposed to be over LONG LONG ago - and now I also have to think about what to do next summer...
But let's not get too ahead of ourselves and focus on the upcoming hellish weekend that our profs have lined up for us. Tests on Thursday, Friday, and assignment to turn in on Saturday, test on Monday along with lab, and the lab submission the very next day. Crazy 6 days approaching - I need to brac for impact...
I want to cry.
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Everything is new
09-01-2021
Uni called me back to campus. For online classes. Fuck omicron.
Staying at a hostel is definitely not the same as staying at home. Thankfully I don't have roommates (tell me you're an introvert without telling me you're an introvert lmao); so I got my own room. It's a small room with a bed and a table, but I have it all to myself. I value the privacy that I have rn - asian parents don't really have a concept of privacy so staying at home is a bit stressful (especially for someone like me who loves being alone).
Semester just started, and I haven't really done a lot of work - still adjusting to this new lifestyle. My sleep schedule is back on track tho - having to attend classes everyday does that to you.
Have been reading - I just feel so happy that I started reading again! I'm going to be 20 this year - I stopped reading when I was like 15 I guess (by reading I mean reading for pleasure - of course I have been "reading" physics books). Feels good.
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