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n-ehpamoi · 5 days
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I remember, the heat of you – a fire stealing all the air, in the room – Suffocation, overwhelming the bellows in my chest, forced closed and empty like they were so weak – helpless, in the presence of you, a forest dry, thirsting for rain, laid waste by the blaze of your lips –
In the ashes  of their destruction, was born our love.
What embers wrought is gone now – what has been made ashen, will not know flame, again.
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n-ehpamoi · 5 days
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And by mine hand may you be brought low,
not struck but lied down gently,
not to rest but rather shining wake,
ever woken and quaking –
and lo, behold,
by mine hand might you tremble,
not in fright but anticipation,
not simply excitement
but there, temptation –
by mine hand,
for a night,
you are mine.
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n-ehpamoi · 5 days
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A young lesson, then –
Sometimes, I will be too strong    for the delicate skin      of my friends – and though now my body has become,    or at least feels,       so much more frail – though my mind has become    so much more       soft of heart – it seems still that I can crush so easily    when I mean instead       to caress – a young lesson then,    again learned – you must fear yet    your own strength – sometimes it’s better to be    far too gentle       than to hurt the ones you love.
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n-ehpamoi · 8 days
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And, god, I have held the joy and the pain -- of so many lovers --
So much. So much joy And so much pain had, shared, caused, and endured -- The good, so good -- surely our time would stretch on into eternity -- And the hurt so bad, at the end of that "eternity," that surely, surely, there will never be love again -- And yet still, I love, once more, no matter how hard I swear 'never again" //
I always wonder, how, when we hurt each other so much, we can still die loving one another
In a way, I hurt myself, with the knowledge that I've left pieces of myself with every, last, one of you, as have you all, with me -- and when I go, I will shed tears for what I had with each and every one of you -- and I know, for better or worse, I'll always be there, on your minds --
For each and everyone if felt so much pain, and joy --
And I'd change that for nothing, even at times, like now, when I'm doing nothing but shedding tears.
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n-ehpamoi · 9 days
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I will be mourning our connection, I fear, until I lay down in my grave. How do you bury the loss of abounding love, when your mind has never held a grave for feeling? That which has been lost before as has been lost today, roams freely, eternally, upon the ashen fields of conscious, unending -- If we deign to speak again, you will not know this --
Kind, but stoic I will be -- if I betray (in some golden future in which I will be able to speak to you again) that I still feel for you how I did at our most loving, I know, I would only cause you the pain I'd still feel. Come back to me, I scream, into the void -- If there is a god to hear me, please, grant this wish; Lest you leave me existing with this hole where my heart should be //
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n-ehpamoi · 10 days
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You slept long into the day and with the least of grace -- the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen -- first, the morning, and then the afternoon air filled with jagged snores, harsh breaths, and hurried, single, nonsensical words --
I could not leave the bed; every last bit of it soothed me to my core --
Every last bit filled me with that beautiful light like that of the morn' which by the time you woke had long since passsed --
"Welcome, sleepyhead," I'd announce, beaming with the warmth I felt for you "to the world of the living."
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n-ehpamoi · 10 days
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On top of today’s update, I also have a new painting. He’ll probably show up soon. Probably. Soon.
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n-ehpamoi · 11 days
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What's it like there, on the edge of time?
You seem so close -- If you were to close your eyes and wander, what would it be? Fifteen steps and a sheer drop?
What hides there, beyond that which holds us so dear, so near, so rough, to the things we've done?
Are you afraid to know? Would you sink in that void, or simply, float away?
Or maybe, shackles broken, eyes w I d e open to all that is, was, and could ever, will ever, be --
Would you become ethereal? or perhaps, more simply, cease? //
If you need a hand, I'll give one to you --
If you're still afraid, I'll test the waters --
I'm too curious, and too tired of that which I cannot change and furthermore, cannot predict --
Knowledge and/or oblivion sounds nice, doesn't it?
Doesn't it?
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n-ehpamoi · 11 days
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Exchange --
The ephemeral give and take -- you take all that I can give, and I give it all willingly -- because for myself, for someone like me, to give is to take; to know that I can bring you that which you need -- warmth, love, and understanding -- fills me to the brim -- and yet still, I admit that, to some extent, I am not taking enough -- the satisfaction of giving love is reward, surely, but I am cursed with the inability to ask for what I truly need -- that same warmth, understanding, and love... And so they love, but do not understand -- are warm, but do not love -- understand, but are oh, so cold -- I give, but do not take -- take, in the act of giving -- take, but cannot take enough -- Give, what you ask of me, but, though I know it foolish, silly, feel it greedy, still, to ask for what I need --
Exchange.
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n-ehpamoi · 22 days
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And something about you gets me a little off-guard -- so it doesn't matter how softly you float the words "I love you--" they still somehow manage to stab me deep --
and I wonder just how deep the problems go when the first words from my lips aren't the same ones, in kind, but, asking if you're okay, or wondering what you want --
because surely, an "I love you," could never be true for me.
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n-ehpamoi · 23 days
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Tintern Abbey (Carl Gustav Carus, 1789 - 1869)
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n-ehpamoi · 24 days
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Amnesiac, I -- I cry and hide my face but  I forget why.
The labyrinth inside matches the one without -- there has to be a way out.
Must be a way out.
How has everyone else found their way? Will no one else find it in themselves to stay? Stay and guide me, please, away.
I’m a bull-headed fool, and too fool enough to just, use my head and knock the walls down.
I’m locked in, and cry to myself. I see the sunlight from deep in here, and you can hear my wails from far out there.
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n-ehpamoi · 25 days
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Who am I, really, to act like I know;      There’s a world to you that I’ve never been shown --         (and probably never will be) so,
Who am I to pretend, to believe I belong, when I’ve always felt      and later come to know,         that there is nowhere            that I belong, so,
Who am I to believe that I love you? That I      was ever even able         to love? And really, also,
Who? Who am I?      who knows if I can ever         truly know?
     A pretender with a name that means         little to most and            summons painful memory in some, fewer,                still --
Who am I?      Who, besides you,         would ever know --
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n-ehpamoi · 26 days
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And You taught me that maybe, I shouldn't be shaping myself to the expectations of others, just for a morsel of love
And you? You taught me that no one could ever really react to what makes up who I am -- we are all just guessing at the shape and place of all the edges of each other's souls --
And she taught me that the ones that accuse you tend to perpetrate the very things they worry you do --
And the last one, You? Taught me that I can't trust the words "I love you,"
because even when you mean it, believe it with your whole heart, you can be wrong --
and eventually, when you realize, I'll only be left alone again.
Why do lovers have to be lessons?
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n-ehpamoi · 27 days
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I wrote something for you. I never had a chance to give it -- never even left my hands. I set it on fire between my fingers -- trying for that old warmth that only you could make me feel. I thought better , I did, of  explaining that feeling and so,
I set my words to ash.
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n-ehpamoi · 28 days
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Your careless words should have made me love you less -- how exactly could I complain when my own careless words are what made you fall in love to begin with.
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n-ehpamoi · 28 days
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“ I can feel you all around me,”
you say -- for a moment I fear that maybe I  am too close. Suffocating -- You smile, always able to parse the currents -- “You keep me warm.”
Leave it to me to find the bad, in a cooling breeze.
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