Fraternal, Not Opposite
Brian and I were fraternal twins in every sense of the word. He was athletic, toned, your typical jock and I was the loser little brother who was a little shorter, a little fatter, and way too into movies and comics. I say ‘little’ by twenty seconds, and, yes, I had to hear it from him all the time.
I usually stayed out of Brian’s way, and he out of mine. We were such different people. That’s why it came to a huge shock to me when he came out to my parents one night. Why? Not because he was a jock or because he was always flirting with girls. No. It was because I had been harboring that secret for two years, the only thing we seemed to have in common in our heterosexual, Christian household: two gay sons. It was devastating to my parents, but in the Christian way, they forgave and prayed. It made me even more weary to ever tell them, not just because I didn’t want to copy my brother that they so obviously favored, but also because they were treating Brian like a project that Jesus needed to heal. I didn’t want them to see me like that.
I coasted, still telling no one about my little secret, letting Brian pick on me and call me asexual, saying I was too much of a nerd to get a girl. Of all people, you’d think that he’d make less assumptions. We were never close, though, and I guess that’s why I shouldn’t have been so surprised when I found out about his first boyfriend. Well, Brian and I weren’t close, but his boyfriend and I…
“Brian!” I banged on his door. “Mom wants to know what the hell you’re doing. She’s called you like six times.” No response. “Brian!” I slammed my fist against his door again. “I’m coming in there.”
I turned the knob and cracked the door a little to see if I could hear him. Maybe he was in our connecting bathroom. I thought I heard the facet running, so I pushed the door open farther.
“Brett?”
I froze because in my brother’s bed was not Brian, but my best friend and the guy who I had been crushing on since junior high. “What the hell are you doing here, Alex?”
“Uh,” his eyes darted to the bathroom, where Brian had emerged, eyes as big as the moon as he took in the scene in front of him. Alex gestured to my brother.
“I can’t believe this,” I muttered. Brian had taken a lot from me over the years. He was the popular one, the sporty one, the favorite. I let it all slide. I even let it go when he came out as gay because it some how made him even better. He was now someone who needed help by my parents or someone who needed to be protected at school or someone who needed to be included by the lgbt community that I was always eyeing but never had the guts to go up to. But now…Alex? I shook my head and turned, rushing out of the room.
“Brett!”
“Go to hell, Brian!”
“Brett, come on, man.”
I passed my room, knowing I’d be corned in there. I was running, running from my own brother afraid to say the words out loud. I had sat by for so long denying a part of me, and I had lost the guy I wanted to be with over it. It was all my own fault, too. I couldn’t even be mad at Brian. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, and I wanted to scream. “Just leave me alone.”
“Look, I know he’s your friend.”
Something in me snapped. I whipped around, my sorrow turning to anger. “You don’t know shit about me. You never have. You’ve never once given consideration to me and what I want or that maybe you’re not the only one with a secret in this family!” He opened his mouth and closed again, raising an eyebrow. “You’ve taken a lot from me, but Alex? Why did you have to take the only person I let get super close to me? Why did you have to take the guy I’ve been wanting to be with for years?” Hysteria leaked into my voice and my throat burned.
“You-”
“I’m gay, Brian. Dammit. It’s right in front of you, and all you could do is tease me for not getting laid.”
“You’re-”
“What?” I turned around. In my shock, I had completely forgotten my parents were home, and now my mother was staring at me open mouthed and wide eyed. “You, too?”
“Mom…”
“Where did we go wrong? Brian is a bit eccentric, but you, Brett?” She pushed past my father as she walked back into the kitchen.
“Eccentric?” Brian whispered as I said, “But me?”
“It just shocked your mother is all,” Dad said, leaving to talk to her.
“I’m sorry.” I turned towards my brother. “I shouldn’t have made assumptions, and I didn’t mean to take Alex from you. It just kind of happened.”
I pushed past him, climbing the stairs to go back to my room. Alex was standing in the hallway, obviously having heard it all.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrugged, walking into the room and closing the door behind me. That didn’t stop Alex, though, as he walked in and shut the door firmly. It stopped Brian at least.
“You should’ve told me, B. I’d never judge you.”
“I didn’t want you to treat me funny.”
“But you knew I was gay.”
“But you didn’t know I was crushing on you.”
He shrugged. “Maybe it would’ve change things.”
My stomach fluttered, and my breath caught in my throat. “Would it have?”
Alex bent over me, and I knew it was wrong. I knew he was just in my brother’s bed on the other side of that wall, and that there would be a whole mess to clean up. I knew that my mother thought awful things of me now and my secret was no longer safe. I knew the last thing I should do is kiss Alex, but I had been wanting it for so long that I pushed up against him.
We went crashing back onto my bed, hands tangled in each other’s hair. His lips were so much softer against mine than I thought they’d be, and I worried that I’d press against him too hard or use too much tongue. I think he realized I was in my own head because he nipped at my lower lip and that brought me back to his breath against my mouth and his deep brown eyes staring into mine. He smiled devilishly, and I couldn’t help myself. I buried myself deep in his kiss, telling the world to go to hell.
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I feel like someone’s burned me and hollowed out my soul
I feel so broken that sometimes that phantom pain of glass shards can be felt pressing into my mind when I try reaching for the unattainable
Sometimes I look at what I used to be and think about what I could have been... it burns like a white hot knife to the skin because how did it come to this?
I feel like the square a babe tries to shove in a circular whole and I don’t fit into anything around me. It leaves me feeling so alone in this caste universe
I yearn for the barest touch of acknowledgement on my skin to show that I exist and I’m not a wraith living in the shell of skin that seems to be more of prison than a body.
Sometimes I feel so stretched I’m sure I’ll break
All I ever wanted was love. It didn’t have to be romantic. I just wanted someone to love me and stand by. I miss the hugs and fleeting touches. I miss having someone to lean on and someone to cry on. I miss have an anchor against the ocean for it is vast and strong. I miss the inside jokes and the smiles.
I don’t even think I know how to smile anymore without it hurting.
I just wanted love instead of this empty existence
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