Tumgik
nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
cítim
nechala som tie spomienky újsť
už dávno je to všetko len ilúzia
stratená a zabudnutá
tak ako všetko to, čo som vtedy cítila
alebo sa mýlim?
prečo to doteraz cítim,
tak intenzívne,
akoby sa to stalo len dnes?
prečo nie som schopná
jednoducho zabudnúť?
prečo je to všetko stále také čerstvé?
čerstvé ako mladá láska,
ktorá dokáže zmeniť svet?
nebojácna láska,
ktorá nám prúdi celým telom
tkvie v našich myšlienkach a pocitoch
každý deň, každú noc.
nebojí sa ničoho,
ona je silnejšia než akákoľvek prekážka
ona prekoná i neprekonateľné,
nemá hraníc
a každým dňom naberá na svojej sile
prečo je také náročné
zabiť všetky tieto pocity,
myšlienky,
či spomienky?
prečo musím zabiť samú seba,
aby som zabila teba?
prečo ma nenecháš odísť?
prečo ma tu neustále držíš,
keď už nevládzem rozprávať,
plakať,
ani dýchať?
stále cítim
presne to, čo som cítila kedysi
a obávam sa,
že nič z toho nikdy cítiť neprestanem
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
mind and body
i feel myself
falling again
i feel myself
losing it again
i feel myself
not feeling again
it was all
fun and games
until i started to
fear my reflexion
again
it was all
okay
until i started to
see all the changes
in my appearance
again
now though,
it is not okay,
it is nowhere near that
i am not okay
i need to feel
the control again
i need to feel
the relief again
i need to feel
my lightness again
fuck what people think
fuck what they say
fuck how some say
that i look okay
and fuck how some say
that i look different
and especially
fuck how some say
that i look huge
that i take too much space
when i am standing
or sitting
fuck all that
it has always been
a battle
between my mind
and my body
the only difference is
that this time
i am here
for the win
i am truly sorry about this one. i am just struggling with myself right now and i needed to put my suffering into words. if you understand this poem and especially if you relate to it, please, take care. you are not alone. ever. even when it feels like the whole world is falling and everything is crashing. even then, you are not alone.
#edrecovery matters!!! 💪🏻
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
over
why am i always
like this?
why am i always
overanalyzing
overthinking
oversharing
why can not
my brain function
normally
and safely?
why can i not
just make this pain
be over?
sometimes, i wonder,
i just should not even be
i should not even exist
i should, perhaps, end myself
but other times, though,
i want to fight
these demons inside me,
kill them,
make this be over
in that way
i want
this pain
to be over
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
front seat
you used to
pick me up
all the time
each morning
we went to school
together
each afternoon
you would drive me
to your place
where we would
just keep cuddling
spending time
together
after some time
has passed
she came, and oh baby
she took my place
she is the one
sitting in the
front seat
now
she is the one
you pick up
each morning
each afternoon
and there is no
turning back now
because, the thing is
that you have
screwed me over
way too badly
and even though
i daydream
about the front seat
sometimes
in the end
i am glad
that it is not
my place
in your car
anymore
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
i do not want to be
even though i feel
as though
there is not
a single person
who would understand
how i feel right now
i am still somehow
holding on
i am still
breathing
i am still
here
even though
i would much rather
just escape this suffering
i simply can not
people keep telling me
how far i have come
but the truth is
that i am still
stuck at one
helpless place
one helpless nightmare
that keeps repeating
with every single breath
i take
i can not even
imagine what life feels like
anymore
i feel lost
in a world where i simply
just do not belong
i feel as though
i am a broken machine
a broken piece of glass
a broken person
who can not be cured
by any means
i feel as though
i do not even deserve
to breathe this air
which does not belong to me
it feels like
if i simply just was not
somebody else could breathe
the air
that i am breathing
right now
and it would serve
a way better purpose
than i served
my whole life
altogether
i feel as though
i do not even feel
i am empty
i am broken
i am helpless
i can not
be trusted
in anything
i can not
be helped
or cured
or saved
and at this point
of my life
i simply just
do not want to
be
i am very sorry for how depressing this brain dump was. i am even more sorry if anyone relates to this. i am not going to tell you that everything is going to be fine. i am not, because sometimes things just aren't going to be fine. and i think it's better to be prepared for the worst possible scenario than have high expectations from things or people which/who simply just won't bring us what we need.
this poem or whatever you may call it was written from the very bottom of my heart and mind. i don't think i even can be even more honest than i was while writing this. and once again, i'm sorry.
— A.
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
barefoot on ice
i thought that
running is brave
i thought that
screaming would help
i thought that
dying means escape
but i was wrong
running only
made me exhausted
screaming only
made me silent
dying only
made the pain worse
maybe i was
the wrong person
to judge what is
right and what is
wrong
maybe i should have
tried to look for
good people
in good places
perhaps i could have
discovered
the undiscovered
perhaps i could have
found
the hidden
perhaps i could have
met
the unknown
if only i
would not have been
so harmful
towards myself
if only i
did not hurt
my own skin
my own mind
my own heart
i should not have
walked barefoot
on ice
if only i did not
burn my feet
on ice
if only i did not
walk barefoot
on ice
my heart would still be
warm
and loving
but now it is just
cold
and hurting
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
immaculate cheater
i thought i knew
what being loved
by you
feels like
but the truth is
that you never loved me
like that
you never loved me
like i was the one
and only
like i meant
the whole world to you
and once you met her
i suddenly knew
what being loved by you
is like
but i didn't know it
because you loved me
i knew it
because of the way you loved her
surely i was never the one
but
all the things you said to me
all the things you did to me
remember
when you asked me
whether i would marry you?
i guess you did not belong
to me
and i did not belong
to you
when you met her
but i still think of you
as of a cheater
the problem is
that you are too pure
too immaculate
you are
an immaculate
cheater
but i will never
forget you
or stop loving you
so i hope you will be happy
even if it is
not with me
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
crazy in a beautiful way
we are here
sitting in silence
both struggling with
all these demons
that haunt us
but we are here
we are holding on
we are full of art
full on things
worth exploring
we are crazy
in a beautiful way
we have big dreams
ambitions
we want to
take over the world
not the world as it is
we want to take over
our world
we are crazy
in a beautiful way
we don't want to
fall apart
we only want each other
by our side
even though it is not possible
because our emotions
are way too strong
we are damaging each other
by staying together
yet we want it
we crave it
we are crazy
in a beautiful way
i guess i will never
let you go
i guess i am
crazy
in a beautiful way
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
days become long
when you suffer every single minute
when you can't sleep at night
when you can't enjoy anything
when you struggle to keep on breathing
when you struggle to stay alive
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
what are you going to do?
what are you going to do
when you breathe in
but nothing happens
and your heart stops
because
there is no more oxygen
in the air?
what are you going to do
when you take a step
forward
but you fall
because
there is no more ground
underneath your feet?
what are you going to do
when you open your eyes
but you see nothing
because you got blinded by
all your selfishness
and carelessness?
what are you going to do
when you lose me?
because, you see
i am your oxygen
your ground
and your vision
i am you
what would you do
without me?
what would you do
without you?
what are you going to do
when you become
personless?
what are you going to do?
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
leave me, please
all i ever wanted
was for you to tell me that
i am not a worthy person
i am not as good as you want me to be
i am not as true as i should be
all i ever wanted
was for you to leave me
because, you see,
i wanted to suffer
i wanted to feel the pain
i wanted to fall again
just to make you happy
all i ever wanted
was to see you fly
to see you grow
to see you live
and love
someone else
because, you see,
i wanted you to live the life
you so truly deserve
you have, indeed,
hurt me a whole lot
but, you see,
all that pain
all the back stabbing
all the arguing
all of that is nothing
in comparison
to seeing you unhappy
so, my love,
i will never forget you
i will never forget
the things we have done
all the good memories
as well as the bad ones
but thank you
for leaving me
for setting yourself free
and letting yourself fly again
thank you
for leaving
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
hospital stories
"so i have arrived, so far i didn't do much because there isn't much to do. actually scratch that, there is NOTHING to do"
"i had an anxiety attack so i was given an injection"
"my nice roommate left, what a shame, i never got the chance to teach her how to solve sudoku"
"i didn't agree with being tied up, yet i was"
"from now on, i'm just gonna stay quiet"
"i just got my infusion"
"i woke up, i went for a smoke and i got ready for the day"
"no matter who you are or where you come from. whether you came on your own, with your family or whether the abulance or the police brought you. the point stays the same. you're here"
"i'm thinking about you, what you are doing and whether you're thinking about me too"
"i had a terrible nightmare last night"
"it's almost 6am and everyone seems to be waking up slowly"
"i couldn't sleep last night"
"everything is spinning"
"they gave me "food" infusions again"
"i wanna go home"
"i'm going home"
note: i actually wrote these quotes when i was hospitalized
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
make it art
if you ever feel down
for whatever reason
it might be that someone
has let you down
or hurt you
or you just feel
empty
depressed
anxious
angry
or maybe just numb
make it art
let yourself
feel the pain
and express it
i know that it's
the very last thing
you would want to do then
but hear me out
you can manage this
and i'm not talking about
drawing or painting
singing or dancing
writing stories or poems
i'm talking about fighting it
with grace
and attitude
because, believe me,
you are a piece of art
so make your suffering
into a piece of art too
make your demons
the biggest masterpiece
this world has ever seen
art does not always show
just the pretty things
so do not worry
to show the world
the art inside you
the art you fight with
every day
make it art
instead of pure suffering
make it art
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
you fucked up
ever since you fucked up
i felt like i deserve more
and like i am worthy of better things
better experiences
better people
better treatment
so thank you
for making me realize this
ever since you fucked up
i felt like you're not the one for me
and in fact
you really aren't
you don't deserve
the loving heart of mine
you're not worth it
so thank you
for making me realize this
ever since you fucked up
i felt lonely
and broken
because you hurt me so badly
and the wounds were just
way too deep
and fresh
but at least i finally knew
what real mental pain is
so thank you
for making me realize this
ever since you fucked up
i felt free
i felt like flying
i didn't feel like dying
i felt amazing, actually
only thanks to you, my dear
so thank you
for making me feel this way
thank you
for making me realize
that i can, in fact
feel better
so ever since you fucked up
i'm thankful
thank you
for fucking things up
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
"bite the bullet"
i have to let you go
i have to let this be
i have to focus on
the good memories
but also accept the fact
that they're just memories
they aren't real anymore
you aren't real anymore
i have to get this over with
as soon as possible
because it is the only way
that won't make me hurt anymore
or maybe it will
but it will definitely hurt less
than staying in this relationship
for any longer
letting go
sometimes really is
inevitable
sometimes we all just need to
"bite the bullet"
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
medicated
do you ever feel like me?
do you ever just
wonder why?
why you have to take pills
in order to function?
not even function normally,
function in a sense that
you can get through each day?
do you ever feel powerless?
weak?
because you have to put chemicals
in your body
so you wouldn't end your life?
do you ever just
want to give up?
because you're ashamed
and embarrassed
of what you've become?
you became a poorly functioning body
with even poorer mind
and there's nothing
you can do about it
you just have to keep going
through each day
medicated
pathetic, you think
but maybe it's not
maybe you're special
and strong
because you actually suffer
and yet you are still here
reading this poor poem
you are here
about to start your day
or you're in the middle of it
or you're just about to go to bed
after another exhausting day
now tell me,
aren't you actually so powerful?
for choosing to stay
instead of simply just
giving up?
i think that you are truly strong
even though
you're medicated
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nepomenovana · 2 years
Text
sun to my sunflower
you became so distant
you are someone else now
you've changed
to a point when
i don't even recognize you
anymore
perhaps i should
be happy for you
perhaps i should
wish you all the best
perhaps i should
let you go
but i can't
simply just let you go
you mean too much
you always did
but now, i don't mean
much to you
she does though
and i'm jealous
i'm freaking out
i'm broken
but what kind of situation is this?
when she doesn't want you
but you want her
and you don't want me
but i want you?
i just want you to know
that you'll always mean so much
and that i'll always love you
because a person like you
can't be forgotten
or unloved
you're too special
too unique
too smart
too pretty
too unforgettable
so, this one was for you
happy birthday
i hope you don't actually read this
but if you do
i'm sorry ...
i'm sorry that
i can't help my feelings
you know that i was
never good at that
and in my mind
you'll always be
the sun
to my sunflower
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