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Rr'ing crimson rivers. Everyone talks about the great big tragedy the fic is so I'm making a post appreciating zar's comedic genius (however dark)

WARNING: Its hella long

******************

"You heard me. Come off it, lover boy. Don't pretend you can't climb; I've seen James, he's taller, and you're not going to tell me you're not climbing him, are you?"

Regulus takes it all back. He rues the day he ever showed an interest in being possible allies with Evan Rosier. Regulus scowls at him, but that only makes him smirk.

"First of all, climbing a person is entirely different from climbing a fucking tree—"

"How so?"

"Trees won't keep me from falling. James has arms."

"Ah, so you have climbed—"

"Rosier, if you want to keep your tongue, you might want to shut up."

******************

"It is. You just don't know it yet. You'll see." James winks at him, but his smile is soft. "Go on, go get your spine realigned."

Sirius' hand flies to his throat instinctively, like a woman clutching at her pearls, staring at James, utterly aghast as he wheezes, "Get my fucking what?"

"Or, you know, realign his spine," James muses, thoughtful, his eyes gleaming with laughter. "Whatever suits your fancy, and his, I suppose."

"You're filthy," Sirius hisses as James laughs again, covering his mouth with his hand. "You're a dirty, dirty man, Potter, and I—I do not want you anywhere near my baby brother."

"Oh, the first chance I get, I'm going to let him snap my spine directly in half," James declares, lifting both hands and tipping his fists apart while making an obscene crunching noise in the back of his throat. The look of pure horror on Sirius' face makes James bust out laughing all over again.

******************

"Well, you just seemed…quite upset," Lyall says awkwardly.

"Not because of the murder thing," Sirius mutters, waving his hand carelessly. He pauses. "That makes me sound rather mental, doesn't it? I just mean, I know that whatever it is, however it happened, it wasn't something inexcusable. No, I was just surprised, honestly, and I do feel like maybe he should have mentioned it. Not that I'm entitled to any information he isn't comfortable sharing, but I do think it's something you tell someone before you have sex with them, at the very least."

It takes a second for the words to catch up with Sirius, and then his eyes bulge as heat creeps up into his face. Lyall's eyebrows are raised very, very high.

"Oh, fuck—I mean, shit—wait, sorry, excuse my language, sir," Sirius chokes out, his voice going high from his rising panic as his heart takes off sprinting in his chest. "I wasn't—I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I said that. Please don't think I took advantage of Remus. I swear I didn't. It was very mutual, and actually I was super nervous and not really sure about the whole thing—er, sex, I mean, because I'd never even done it, but I trusted Remus, and he was just so lovely—"

"Sirius—"

"I—I didn't force him, I would never, and he had full freedom to do whatever he liked, or didn't. He could have just—beat me up, if necessary. I'm pretty sure I told him that once, actually, and hey, now I know he could have just fucking killed me, so there's that. Shit, sorry, the cursing again. I'm just—I don't mean to be disrespectful in your home, sir, I swear. I'm just panicking a bit, currently, and—and trying to explain that I didn't, in any way, coerce your son into having sex with—"

"Sirius," Lyall interrupts yet again, louder this time.

******************

"Aren't you afraid of heights?" Emmeline muses as he approaches the tree very cautiously.

"No," Regulus snaps defensively, then pauses and kicks lightly at the base of the tree. In a mumble, he confesses, "Yes."

Emmeline coughs. "You'll be able to get back down, right? Without falling, I mean. Because I don't fancy Sirius having a go at me for letting his baby brother climb a tree and get stuck, or worse, fall and break his neck."

"Thank you, Emmeline, for making me feel better about this decision," Regulus says flatly.

"I try," Emmeline replies, amused. "No, but genuinely, should I go get a ladder, or something?"

"That feels like cheating."

"Well, who's going to know?"

Evan is going to give me so much shit for this the next time I see him in my dreams, Regulus thinks precisely five seconds before he looks over at Emmeline and mumbles, "A ladder, you said?"

******************

"James is jealous," Regulus informs him.

"Jealous?" Sirius arches an eyebrow. "Someone sniffing around you, Reggie?"

Regulus breaks out into a grin again, one so rare that Sirius feels his heart clench just looking at it. "Not jealous because of me, you idiot. He's jealous of Frank, because of you."

"What?" Sirius blurts out, bewildered. "But Frank is—I mean, we're just friends." He pauses, then frowns. "Wait, James wouldn't care if Frank was more than a friend anyway."

"Sirius," Regulus says, struggling not to laugh, "he's jealous because you and Frank are friends. James is your best friend, remember? He feels threatened."

Sirius opens his mouth, closes it, then shakes his head in disbelief. "Does he really?"

"Yes. I'm having a great time," Regulus says with a happy sigh, genuinely looking pleased. "It sort of feels like karma, you know? He's also being terribly adorable about the whole thing, but don't tell him I said that."

******************

"How's my sister?" Narcissa asks softly, and for the first time, Sirius wonders if this is why she's truly here.

Sirius purses his lips. "Being a raging bitch in the other room. Why do you ask?"

******************

"A niece," Narcissa whispers, her breath hitching so quietly that he almost misses it. "Do I? What's her name?"

"Nymphadora," Sirius mumbles.

"Now why would she do that to that poor child?" Narcissa asks, shaking her head as she inhales again.

******************

"Hem-hem," Mayor Delores says, clearing her throat over and over until everyone looks at her. She gives Bellatrix a simpering smile. "Feet don't go on the table, dear."

"Forks usually don't go into eyeballs either, but I can make that happen, too," Bellatrix tells her, lifting one foot and dropping it back down to send a fork sailing up from the table through the air, which she snaps her hand out to grab.

******************

"Betrayal is betrayal is betrayal!" Regulus shouts, and he leans back into Sirius harshly as he kicks out with his leg. Sirius can hear Camilla's gasp as the kick lands.

"Betrayal?! You fucking dramatic little—"

"Me?! I'm dramatic?! You're dr—"

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Sirius bursts out, officially done with this shit, reaching the end of his rope.

******************

"Reggie, you never crack jokes or laugh at things."

"I—yes, I do. I…do. I have before."

"Name one time," Sirius says, lips twitching.

Regulus opens his mouth, then closes it, then frowns. He sits on that for a second, then says, "James thinks I'm funny."

"James is blinded by love, is what he is," Sirius tells him, clearly exasperated. "He is not an unbiased opinion."

"Before you volunteered," Regulus states finally, and Sirius blinks at him. "The first time, I mean. I know you don't really remember a lot of things from back then, but I—I would occasionally make jokes, and I did laugh a lot more."

Sirius clicks his tongue. "Well, that's tragic."

"Isn't it just?" Regulus agrees dryly.

"I bet you were shit at it even then."

"I wasn't. James laughed, and he didn't even like me before my fifteenth birthday."

******************

"First of all, I would be old and beautiful," Sirius states firmly, holding up a finger. "I am going to be sexy until the day I die, even if I could live until a hundred. Second of all, I will be at the wedding. In spirit. Have it at night under my star. Or just—I don't know, slap a picture of me on a chair and—"

"You're so stupid," Regulus interrupts, then swivels on the spot and stomps off, scowling as he goes.

"James, how do you put up with him?" Sirius groans from behind him. "The chair idea is a good idea, isn't it? You get it. See, now you have to. It's funny! It would be—"

"Stop talking to my fiancé!" Regulus snaps as he continues on, and Sirius doesn't, but he does lower his voice as he follows along, which will just have to do.

******************

"Well," Sirius wheezes, "I definitely won."

"What? No you didn't. You can't prove it," Regulus sputters instantly, which tells Sirius he did, in fact, win.

"Don't be a sore loser," Sirius teases, wrinkling his nose as he inspects his spear. It's covered in gunk. The creatures didn't seem to bleed, but they were very…goopy.

"What are you doing?" Regulus asks.

Sirius continues to pull off his bag, reaching inside to find the cloth he needs. "Cleaning my spear. It's disgusting."

"You have a bit of…" Regulus coughs and gestures to his own hair, then Sirius'.

"What?!" Sirius chokes out, instantly dropping his spear and cloth, hands flying up to his hair in horror.

******************

"Lily?" Dorcas asks tentatively, cringing at the background sound of something clattering, like metal on metal.

"Hi, Dorcas, a little busy here," Lily pants out. "We're, um."

"Problem?"

"What? No. Everything's f—hey! No, step away from the gatling gun! Barty, don't make me leave this cockpit!"

James straightens up. "Barty? Did—sorry, did she just say Barty? Is Barty there? He's alive?"

"Lily?" Dorcas tries again.

"We have this under control," Lily replies, and then there's a choked sob and the distant shout of we're all gonna die!

******************

Sirius hates it. He also chooses to ignore it, much like he's doing with the idea that James is captured here, too. "You're lying. How stupid do you think I am?"

"I need not lie, Sirius."

"Yeah, that's what liars say."

Riddle looks unimpressed with him all over again.

******************

Say the word and I'll run away with you," Sirius murmurs. "We'll abduct everyone we love and take to the seas. Throw them under the deck until we're too far away for them to swim back."

"We wouldn't have to do that to Regulus. He can't even swim."

******************

"Look me in the eye, then," Remus says. "Look at me when you break up with me."

Sirius peeks at him, then quickly looks away. He's chewing on his lip. "What does eye-contact have to do with a breakup? Is that, like, required? I've never dumped anyone before."

"Yes, I can tell," Remus replies dryly. "You're rather shit at it."

******************

"War doesn't, though," Marlene comments. "So, you know, time to fight and whatnot. Do you think we'll get matching outfits? We should color-coordinate."

Sirius snorts. "Now there's a thought. Could you imagine?"

"I'm thinking…" Marlene purses her lips. "Hm, yellow?"

"Ooh, I like yellow," Pandora says. "We'd smash it in yellow."

"No, it shows blood too well," Remus counters. "You definitely want to go with darker colors."

"Or red, to blend," Lily suggests, coughing around a laugh, doing her absolute best not to look at Remus with their shared sense of humor. She fails, and Remus grins at her.

"Black is a good war color," Sybill muses. "Like, matte black. Not glossy. Something hardy, kind of rough."

"Hear me out," Mary says, holding up her hands and spreading them like presenting a banner. "Orange."

"Or we could just all go in different colors and come at them like a rainbow," Dorcas says, lips curling up.

"Naked," Sirius declares. "We should go into war completely fucking nude. They wouldn't know what to do."

******************

"Bit far-fetched, that," Marlene muses. "I mean, we'll get old. Old people don't fuck."

Dorcas lifts her head, eyebrows raised. "Yes, they do."

"Nah," Marlene protests, waving a hand.

"Marlene, they absolutely do," Dorcas says through laughter, watching Marlene purse her lips. "People don't stop being people when they get older, you know. They continue living and such, and if they like sex, they have it."

"You mean to tell me that old people fuck?" Marlene asks, looking like this is the worst news she's heard all week. She looks horrified. "So, like, Dumbledore—"

"Gah!" Dorcas bursts out, flinching instinctively. "No! Why would you put that in my brain?!"

Marlene grimaces. "Sorry, but he's the oldest person I can think of. Alright, Minerva and Poppy, then?"

"Marlene!" Dorcas protests in horror.

"What?!"

"They're like—my adopted parents!"

******************

"I'm warning you, Tim," Regulus snaps, "if you touch me, you're going to die."

Tim doesn't listen to him, and five minutes later, Regulus is breaking Tim's hand and kicking not-Tim into a signpost before launching another not-Tim into the side of a car so hard that the window crunches and dents in with splintered glass from the impact of their body. Tim yells from his knees, fingers going in all the wrong directions, and Regulus is just about to snap his neck when a new not-Tim comes flying out of nowhere to tackle Regulus to the ground.

There's a scuffle. Regulus may or may not nearly rip someone's ear off. Either way, by the end, Regulus stands up to find many bodies of not-Tims littered all around him, while Tim himself is dead at Narcissa's feet. Look who finally showed back up.

Well, Regulus told Tim he'd die. No one ever listens to him. Maybe they should; he's starting to think he's some sort of prophet or something.

******************

"Baby? What baby? Who's baby?" Alecto asks as she dumps herself down at the table with a weary sigh, looking very, very tired. Burgundy and Belfast are fighting over Dora the second they arrive. "Gun, Bel, no hitting!"

"But Auntie! He's being stupid!" Burgundy shrieks.

"Dora likes me the most! Tell her, Auntie!" Belfast yells.

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does—"

"Enough!" Alecto bursts out, slamming her hand down to the table and making Burgundy and Belfast shut up very quickly. Nymphadora looks like she's having the time of her life, but Alecto? Not so much. She breathes very, very carefully. "I know the concept is hard to grasp in your puny, developing brains, but you two can share Dora's company, and be her friend at the same time. Now, the next time one of you hits each other, I'm going to break your fingers. Got it?"

"Got it," Burgundy and Belfast mumble, hanging their heads, and five minutes later they're peacefully sharing Dora.

Alecto cradles her head between both hands, eyes sinking shut as she mutters, "I fucking hate kids."

"No!" Alecto blurts out. "No, don't do this to me. Please, for the sake of my sanity, don't have a baby."

"What does this have anything to do with you?" Narcissa asks.

Alecto groans and drops her head to the table, so Sirius helpfully answers, "Cissa, come on, she's obviously in love with you."

"That," Alecto mutters, pointing weakly at Sirius.

"And she hates kids," Sirius adds.

"Also that," Alecto agrees.

Narcissa considers her for a long moment, then says, "Well, you're very dear to me, you know this, but I want to be a mother, so either move on or settle in."

"Can I just spoil it with gifts and you handle the rest?"

"Well, I was planning to handle it all anyway, so sure."

Sirius snorts. "Yeah, okay, fair enough. I don't want anything that cunt owned anyway."

"Sirius!"

"What, Reggie? I'm just saying!"

"Well, maybe don't just say!"

"I can say what I like!"

"You shouldn't."

"But I can."

"But you shouldn't."

"But I can."

"But you shouldn't."

"But I—"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Alecto bursts out, slamming her way to her feet, making her chair and the table clatter

******************

"Well, don't stand around, Remus. Let him in," Lyall says, clicking his tongue. "Been worried about him."

Me? Sirius mouths, looking mildly alarmed, and Remus chuckles as he reaches out to grab Sirius' arm and tug him inside. Sirius smiles at Lyall. "Hello, Mr—um. Sorry, Lyall."

"Nice to see you again, Sirius," Lyall greets, amused. "You seem well, all things considered. Are you well?"

"Well enough," Sirius says, "all things considered."

Lyall's lips twitch. "That's fair."

"You look well, too, sir," Sirius adds. "I'm glad you're not dead." Remus snorts the moment Sirius looks horrified by the words that just tumbled out of his mouth. "Sh—oot, sorry. I mean, it's true, but that's—there wasn't very much tact in how I said it, was there? Just—I'm glad you're okay. That's what—"

"Remus," Lyall cuts in, "are you sure you found him in the Hallow? Absolutely sure?"

"Actually," Remus corrects fondly, "he found me."

"Respectfully," Sirius says. "In a very respectful manner. I treat Remus with the utmost respect."

"This isn't true," Remus lies, and Sirius chokes, his head whipping towards him in disbelief. "Dad, he uses me for sexual favors and tells me he owns me."

"I do not!" Sirius bursts out, eyes bulging. "I have never—"

"He makes me do his laundry—"

"Remus!"

"I even cook for him—"

"You're literally a cook here! You cook for everyone."

Remus keeps his face perfectly neutral when he adds, "And he won't let me break up with him either."

"That was you!" Sirius yelps, his head swiveling to look at Lyall, whose shoulders are shaking. "Sir, he's—oh. You're laughing. You're—" He stops, then flicks his gaze between Remus and Lyall, and Remus finally breaks out into a grin. Sirius huffs. "Oh, for f—ah, that wasn't funny!"

******************

"What?" Regulus mutters, scowling. "Look, I know that seems extreme, but it's important, alright? I'm always going to have it on me as a reminder, and because—honestly, as strange as it may be, that's a comfort to me." He pauses. "Well, not in bed, obviously. You don't have to worry about that."

James coughs. "Oh. Right. That's…great."

"Were you worried?" Regulus asks, frowning now, admittedly stung by the thought. "James, I'd never hurt you, especially not with a damn dagger."

"Never?" James asks weakly.

Regulus cards his fingers through his hair, trying to get his gaze to fall away from the dagger. "Never. I promise."

James bites his lip. "Not even if—"

"Never," Regulus cuts in, grabbing his jaw and forcing him to look at him, wanting to reassure him. "Never, James, not for any reason."

"Oh," James mumbles, wilting a little bit with what Regulus imagines is relief. "Um, yay for me, I…guess."

******************

Sirius hums. "Yeah, exactly. We're okay. We will be. Come here, can we kiss and make up now?"

"Regulus and Remus are peering through the drapes, being nosy," James muses. "Mum, too."

"Ah, in that case," Sirius teases lightly, then makes a big show of throwing his arms around James very dramatically while pressing an over-the-top, smacking kiss to each of James' cheeks, winking at him as he pulls away. "There, now they'll know we're alright. Nothing to worry about."

James frowns. "Did they all know before me?"

Sirius freezes like a spooked horse, then coughs and tosses his arm over James' shoulders. "Say, let's head in, yeah? Come on, if we turn around really fast, we can make the others scramble all over themselves to get away from the window."

When he and Sirius swivel around in perfect sync, Regulus and Remus do, in fact, hastily jerk back from the window. Effie doesn't. She looks out at them, and she smiles.

******************

"Sirius Black," Sirius greets, reaching out to shake Ken's hand, leaning in to wink and whisper, "but you knew that."

"I—yeah, hey, hi," Ken replies, stumbling over his words, so visibly flustered that Remus almost pities him. Almost.

"I'm sure you have a very good reason for being here, Low Bar, but—"

"Barlowe, actually, um—"

"Very low bar. I could trip over you," Sirius says, then laughs like that's not even the least bit insulting, and his laugh is so lovely and charming that Ken—poor Ken—laughs with him, as if the insult hasn't even registered to him. "Anyway, this can continue in just a moment, whatever reason you have to be here. Remus has to turn his attention to something more important, which is me."

Then, with that, Sirius twirls around and plucks the mug out of Remus' hands before smiling at him, warm and sweet, and reaching up to cradle his face tenderly, intimately, then kisses him

"A miracle. He called you a miracle, right in front of me! I'm standing right here! Hello? Can you see me? Am I invisible?" Sirius sputters, looking absolutely appalled.

Lyall immediately dissolves into laughter.

"I have killed people!" Sirius yelps. "I've killed so many people that I don't even know how many it's been, and he just—oh, I could have killed him so easily, what the fuck?!"

Lyall is wheezing.

"He's gifting you puppies and calling you a miracle—am I fucking joke to him?" Sirius demands. "Does he not know I can and will rip his tongue out of his head? I can do it! I—"

Lyall bangs his hand down on the table, gasping for air, laughing so hard he's in tears.

"Sirius," Remus says, biting down on the inside of cheek.

Nostrils flaring, Sirius fixes his gaze on Remus, lips pursing like he's tasting something sour. "He's trying to win you over. He comes with compliments and puppies—"

"It's not a competition—"

"He comes here and tries to act chummy with your dad—"

"I think he was just being polite—"

"Barlowe? Barlowe? What a pathetic name. Fucking low bar of a name and a low bar of a human being—"

"Well, that's not very polite—"

"Offering you puppies—"

"Sirius—"

"Calling you a miracle—"

"Sirius—"

"Addressing you by that stupid fucking nickname—"

Lyall is going to keel over here in a second, just from laughing so hard, and Remus is almost genuinely concerned for his health. He's an older man, quite out of breath, getting a bit red in the face. Huffing in fond exasperation, Remus reaches out to catch Sirius' arm and drag him out of the room.

"How dare he? Puppies?" Sirius hisses as Remus shuts the door behind them. "Remus, he brought puppies!"

"He did, yes," Remus agrees. Sirius looks absolutely enraged by this, which shouldn't be as hilarious as it is. "Obviously since he brought puppies, I now have to run off with him, as he is the superior gift-giver and has won my affections once more. That is all it takes for me. Puppies."

******************

"What about us?"

"You know, what are we doing?"

"Perusing district six's market," Remus says lightly.

Sirius stops holding his hand, like a punishment. He crosses his arms. "You know that's not what I meant. Kids, Remus. We've never talked about it."

"We haven't talked about a lot of things," Remus replies.

"Other things aren't as…serious as this."

"Marriage isn't?"

"I don't think so," Sirius says slowly. "We'll get married, obviously."

Remus' eyebrows fly up. "Oh, will we?"

"Won't we?" Sirius asks, eyebrows furrowed. Remus stares at him, keeps staring at him, and Sirius thinks about it, thinks about it, thinks about— "Oh! Oh, I just—I went about that the wrong way, didn't I? Wait, scratch that. Pretend I never said it. I didn't say that. Who, me? No, never. Um."

"Sirius," Remus says, watching him look around with visible amusement, gaze soft.

Sirius snatches up a half-bent spoon for sale off the table, old and chipped, though the handle is intricately carved. He holds it up and says, "Okay, will you marry me?"

"What?" Remus wheezes, cracking up laughing immediately.

"It's—it's the first thing I grabbed—"

"You can't propose to me with a spoon—"

"Watch me," Sirius argues stubbornly, then goes to one knee, which makes Remus' eyes bulge, his laughter cutting out all at once. "Remus Lupin—"

"Sirius!" Remus hisses, hands darting out frantically to tug at his elbows, looking around furtively as people stare at them in blatant curiosity, his cheeks stained red. "You lunatic, you can't just—fuck's sake, are you mad?"

"I can't believe you're proposing to me with a spoon," Remus whispers.

"I, um, also can't believe I'm proposing to you with a spoon," Sirius admits sheepishly. "I may have—gotten ahead of myself. Sorry. You deserve way better, but like, I'm in this now. Sort of have to see it through, at this point."

Remus laughs, one of his hands lifting toward his mouth, fingers gently pressing against his own smile, like he wants to feel it. "You're a mess, you know that?"

When they break apart, Remus is grinning again, and Sirius leans in and bumps their noses together. He has never felt better than he does at this moment.

"Excuse me. Hey, excuse me," says the person working the stall they're next to. "You still have to pay for the spoon."

Sirius' expression falls flat, and Remus immediately erupts into laughter that he has to bury in Sirius' shoulder. Sirius cups the back of his head and turns a slow, deadly glare on the person daring to interrupt their moment. One look is all it takes. That look is all it takes.

They get the spoon for free.

"With a spoon?" Lily asks.

Remus huffs a laugh and nods. "With a damn spoon."

"Was it at least a nice spoon?"

"Worst spoon I've ever seen."

Lily purses her lips, then says, "I'll kill him."

"It was the most romantic thing that anyone's ever done for me," Remus tells her.

"Okay, resurrecting him," Lily amends

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