neversaidwords

[neversaidwords]

just because you stay awake

the morrow won't be further away

#20231212

[neversaidwords]

I hate change! My brother is getting rid of the bunk beds we used to share when we little and I haven't even been in his room for a long time and it's non of my business but it feels so wrong and I want everything to stay the same.

#feelings

[neversaidwords]

i always get overwhelmed by tasks so all i end up doing is coping with that feeling instead of doing any of my tasks...

#feelings #overwhelmed

[neversaidwords]

I've noticed that when I'm overwhelmed I start fixating on something. For example I try to find a very specific thing online or do very detailed research on a topic and I don't rest until I know everything and exhausted.

#overwhelmed

[neversaidwords]

My thoughts are so annoying.

My best friend is driving us to a forest and my head goes they could be a serial killer planning to murder me. Like wtf it doesn't make sense we love each other and they could have already done that tons of times. Then I have images of us having an accident and running into a tree or hitting a dear. And these thoughts are endless.

#20230503

[neversaidwords]

I told myself it's not that bad,

i went to bed at four thirty.

It's better than my usual.

I hear my sibling leaving at seven.

It's been two and a half hours

and I'm still not sleeping.

I had to wake up at nine.

It didn't happen.

I slept another 20 to see I'm late.

I call and lie,

They say it's okay.

I lay in bed thinking,

But it doesn't matter.

I have no time for that,

I get ready and leave.

#thoughts #bad poem #feelings #can't sleep #insomnia

[neversaidwords]

I only slept 3 hours last night. I had an active day so I should be very tired and happy to go to bed. Yet here I am terrified of sleeping, staying awake just to avoid it.

[neversaidwords]

Compulsive thoughts suck! I am not even suicidal yet I'm walking and think huh I could easily jump of from here and die. There are too many people though so that would be awkward. Like excuse me brain, can't I jusy walk without having thoughts like this??

#thoughts #feelings #tw suicide

[neversaidwords]

You made me who I am

You're the reason I avoid conflicts at all costs

Yet you expect me to fight

To stand up for myself

I am sorry I can't do that

I've been raised in conflict my whole life

How can you expect me to take part in one now?

#feelings #thoughts

[neversaidwords]

i can't sleep. keep thinking about what went wrong in my life. when did i first have issues?

it's hard to remember. I can't recall much of my childhood. just some events, some thoughts, some feelings i had. i got back as far as kindergarten goes trying to remember anything that happened. I remember how I felt like I had to hide everything and lie. how I felt like I'm not welcome anywhere. so i was already a bit fucked up then.

when did it all start? why did no one care? kids are strong, they learn to pretend. but did really no one see through my act? i dont know how but i got through everything, looking perfectly normal.

But now I cant keep it together anymore. Everything is so bad even though I probably have the best life that I have ever had. Im up at night wondering when will it all stop. I sleep at day just hoping that the thoughts go away.

When did i become consumed by this monster? Dictating every move I make. I just wanna be me again. Me. The one before all this. The one I haven't found yet.

I wanna be me, before all my problems began.

#thoughts #feelings #writing

[neversaidwords]

when you're too embarrassed to write down how you're actually doing to your journal...

#feelings #thoughts

[neversaidwords]

What's wrong with me. I don't know if I have an eating disorder. I don't think so because it's not like I have a goal or like I make plans or diet. But I do wanna lighter even though I know it's unhealthy. And I don't eat sometimes not because I forbid myself I just don't feel like eating especially if I realize it later through the day. Then it feels like why would I eat if I made this far. But sometimes all I eat is sweets through the day. It doesn't make sense I could eat real food but I don't and I eatfor expempl just chocolate.

#tw eating stuff #thoughts #feelings

[neversaidwords]

fuck I know i should be happy about my weight but I ate too much so I still feel fat and now I'm mad at myself like if I didn't eat then who knows how much lighter would I be

#tw eating stuff #tw ed things #tw ed stuff #feelings

[neversaidwords]

I'm such a disappointment.

#feelings #thoughts

[neversaidwords]

ahhhh I have butterflies when she texts me

#feelings #20220426 #love #girl help

[neversaidwords]

I'm okay...I always say but am I? I would say it's alright but the casual suicidal thoughts are always on my mind. I won't act on it but I can't help thinking about a car hitting me or some tragic accident leaving me dead. Oh I'm not supposed to say that? Right then I'm alright. But you know that I'm lying and I wish I wouldn't have to deal with this mind and body and that finally I could just exist, not sad, not overwhelmed, not happy...but at least in peace.

I had another shitty day today, second exam I fucked up in two days. All my friends saying how it was easy and I'm here just hoping to pass, knowing it's not a one time thing and I won't be any better next time either. And I keep thinking about how awful it will be when the teacher sees how stupid I am and my friend will try to comfort me which will make me feel worse. And I will cry and cry, I wish I would but I always do and no one understands why but I can't say that everything I do is a reminder of how I'll never make anything out of my life. And they will ask how they can help and tell me like it's not too late. Not too late. I'm behind like always.

It's not like I'm not trying. I try, try and try but there are no results just the better luck next times. They probably think I'm just wasting my time at home and never study at all. They don't know how I'm up every day until 2 am because of my poor time management. Or how I'll sit in front of a book and not understand a word I'm reading...not because I don't have the knowledge but because my thoughts are louder than the voice reading the lines. Not to mention the struggle of looking up information on the internet, I always get sidetracked. I open a thing see another and I already forgot why I even got here but hey now I know everything about seagulls. But then the wifi crashes and oh shit I remember I was supposed to study physics.

They say it will be okay but I know it won't. Because I'm not like them it's not like I can just get my shit together and just be how I'm supposed, I wish I could. But I can't.

Talking to my friend with a smile, being funny all the time. I have to else they'll realize but it's tiring and I just wanna go home and lie in my bed. We say goodbyes, I turn around my body is heavy and my smile fades away. My acting is done for today.

Being alone at home is kinda nice, sure I have my thoughts but at least no one sees me and I feel like I can be myself without anyone's judgment. Then my mom gets home yelling and yelling. I'm just too tired to deal with this shit. So I let her call me lazy because does it matter when she hates me either way.

I know things will get better but still I wish I wouldn't have a constant storm in my mind.

2022.04.05

#feelings #thoughts #tw suicide #220405

[neversaidwords]

>>>being miserable but not saying anything cause your friend is upset and you want to make their day better so you keep the mood all light and tell lots of jokes but inside you wish you could just cry

#feelings #thoughts