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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Crutchie: Could you turn on the light please?
Jack: There’s no need because you’re the light of my life.
Crutchie:
Crutchie: Jack I can’t see
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Race: There’s no I in team but there is one in pizza
Spot: So you’re not going to share?
Race: I’m not going to share.
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Spot: Hey, where did that ring come from?
Race: Do you like it? I found it in the sock drawer!
Spot:
Race: It’s like it was made for me.
Spot, exasperatedly: I know. It’s almost like it’s an engagement ring.
Race, smugly: Oh, I know.
Spot: So… you just got engaged to me… without me?
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Spot: If karma doesn’t hit you I fucking will
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Ike: Telling the future
Mike: If you could have any power, what would-
Mike: Wait what?
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Davey: Why do you guys like being in the rain?
Crutchie: I like jumping in the puddles!
Jack: I try to get hit by lightning!
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Jojo: I am thirty nine cheetos tall
Elmer: Why are you measuring your height in cheetos?
Jojo: Because we’re out of doritos
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Crutchie: You know what I just realized?
Jack: That soy milk is just introducing itself in Spanish?
Crutchie:
Jack:
Crutchie: No. Anyway-
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Hotshot: Criminal record?
Hotshot: The only crime I’ve committed is killing it on the dance floor haha
Hotshot:
Hotshot: Well, no actually, I have killed a man
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Race: That was so hot
Spot: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenerate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets??
Race: I’m so in love with you
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Store Clerk: Would a Mr. Jacobs please come to the front desk?
Davey, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Clerk: *points to Race and Albert*
Store Clerk: I believe they belong to you?
Race and Albert simultaneously: We got lost
Davey: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Jack: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic I checked off “excessive crying” on the symptom list and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Therapist: And what do we do when something goes wrong?
Spot: Fist fight god
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Davey, losing Jack in a crowd:
Davey: Oh thank god
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Elmer: Have you ever broken a bone?
Spot: Yeah, but it wasn’t mine
Elmer: what.
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Spot: Let me get this straight. I asked you to finally step up as a father and set a good example for our children. And the way you interpreted that was to take them shoplifting?
Race: *Nods*
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newsiesasvines · 2 years
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Crutchie: Why are you on the floor?
Jack: I lost something
Crutchie: What?
Jack: My will to live
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