nickthorts

[nickthorts]

[CakeThorts] aka 'Life Cake: A Recipe for Disaster'

A wise man once said, ‘let them eat cake’. This quote, it seems, is symbolic of the oft-broken oven of modern society that is used to reheat the once pristine ideals of humanity by the overbearing pastry chef that is historical revisionism.

Decadence. Consumption. Sugary demons that plague modernity and the manner in which the human race as a collective reap their vengeance on the balanced diet of our perpetual decency.

How can we, as individuals, fight against the collapsing soufflé of our own terminal paradigm? Can we stand up and deny the slow, deliberate flambéing of our basic rights and freedoms?

Life, it has become abundantly certain, is a complex recipe, less Betty Crocker sponge and more a towering croquembouche purposefully designed to perplex and frustrate even the most skilled cooks in the kitchen of known civilisation. How, then, do we manage the brutal service rush of contemporary reality?

The answer, my friends, is not simple. It resides in the calm and careful reading of the recipe of existence, in the limitation of our social gluttonies. We must control the urge to stick our faces in the rich strawberries-and-cream frosting of our discontent, lest we sit on the cake and ruin it for everyone, excepting those with a sick, perverted fetish.

#nickthort #cake #existentialism

[nickthorts]

Charlie was a movie star, of fairly gentle nature. He had no life insurance.

#poemofthebeast #poetry

[nickthorts]

#comictimeyeah #comic #art #rabbit #thuglife

[nickthorts]

Edward Gibbon Wakefield's Almanac of Social Phenomena

Edward Gibbon Wakefield is a foremost documentarian in the wide-ranging field of Social Phenomena. Through his studies across many years, he has uncovered numerous fascinating and at times groundbreaking singularities from around the globe, and has finally released his findings to the general public in his book ‘Edward Gibbon Wakefield’s Almanac of Social Phenomena’. These are some extracts.

Chapter 7, page 233: A Guide to Stomach Movements

chunderstanding

chun·der·stand·ing [chuhn-der-stan-ding]

noun

1. The understanding between two people that one or both of them has or is about to vomit

Person 1: ‘Mary, I can’t talk about menopause now…I’m about…to…’ Person 2: ‘It’s okay Stuart. I chunderstand.’

vommunist

vom·mu·nist [vom-yuh-nist]

noun

1. a member of the system of social organisation whereby a person (or persons) is incapacitated by a state of frequent vomiting.

adjective

2. pertaining to vommunists or vommunism

‘Jimmy was unable to attend the charity luncheon as he was a practicing vommunist for the day’

See also: vommunism

#egwalmanac #vommunist #vommunism #social phenomena #chunderstanding #dictionary #vocabulary

[nickthorts]

I don't know either.

#comictimeyeah

[nickthorts]

Martin was a circus boy, a freak of modern times. He loved the Bearded Woman.

#poemofthebeast #poetry #circusfreak

[nickthorts]

For Your Consideration - ‘Such is Life: A Reappraisal – The Secret of Ned Kelly’s Words, Part One of Two’

‘Such is life‘.

So said Ned Kelly moments before his hanging, the infamous uttering now firmly entrenched in antipodean folklore.

Dictionary.com defines the word as:

1. ‘of the type previously mentioned’ 2. ‘of the type about to be mentioned’

Now, if we first take definition two as the the one pertaining to Kelly’s situation, the ‘about to be mentioned’ of his iconic quote would undoubtedly refer the sound Kelly was to make directly after his previous comment, and invariably to the sort the sort of muffled, anguished screeching that only strangulation can provide. To insert such a sound into the Kelly quote would result in something along the lines of ‘uuuuuurggghhhghhghhthhh is life‘.

Now, to this writer at least, a statement like this is nonsensical and perplexing to say the very least. Now a man as close to inevitable death as Kelly found himself at this point can hardly be held accountable for potential inanity. The poor lad likely had other things on his mind, and crafting a quotation to last the ages probably played second fiddle to this fact.

'Life', in this instance, would therefore be more than unlikely to have meant anything. Any further extrapolation made as to deeper meaning would be hereby based on conjecture, which as we know, is the kryptonite of historical academia.

In the interest of thorough historical inquiry then, one must also consider other possibilities, namely the idea that Kelly was indeed referencing the first definition of the word ‘such’, wherein the word refers to the ‘type previously mentioned’. This throws new and exciting light on Kelly’s final words. If we are to unpack and analyse Kelly’s worldview and his ideals of what ‘life’ truly meant is to know the words spoken directly before his parting avowal.

To know this may also to know the definition of life itself. Who better to understand and fully comprehend the purpose and meaning of life than someone who is forced to confront his mortality and the idea that he is about face lifeless eternity?

Much thought and research has gone to fully exploring this very idea. Long nights pouring over all available avenues and sources, both credible and inane, have finally provided an answer to this oft considered and pondered question.

  Join us tomorrow as we are able to reveal for the very first time the blistering secret of Ned Kelly and with it, the meaning of life itself.

#foryourconsideration #nedkelly

[nickthorts]

Diane was a redhead, her hobby was voodoo. You can see why no-one liked her.

#poemofthebeast

[nickthorts]

Fruit based puns. Aren't they peachy?

#comictimeyeah

[nickthorts]

FTWD - 'Jew Only Live Once: Part Two'

It seemed as though nothing had gone right for Anna of late. Increasingly persecuted, her husband Rudy had been forced to flee the country. He was in hiding, or so Anna hoped, somewhere far away from the tyranny that dwelled just beyond the border. Anna knew she too, like the rest of her village, should be in constant fear of the ever increasing shadow from the west. However, even with the pall of dread that enveloped all of those around her, Anna found herself more preoccupied with other, more pressing things. Her dear cat, also named Rudy, had decided to join the family across the road. He just up and left her, and the accursed Laskowski family refused to return him. Three months ago, Anna had two Rudys. Today, she had none. This creamed eel debacle was just the cherry on top of an increasingly decadent cake.

All this pondering about her personal misfortunes meant that Anna was not watching where she was walking. She stepped awkwardly on the edge of the kerb, twisting her ankle and snapping a few ligaments. On inspection of her injured joint, Anna observed that it hung limply at a concerningly unnatural angle.

‘Bother,’ Anna said in fluent Polish, her native tongue. ‘I shall have to find someone to help me strap this promptly.’

The street Anna found herself on was curiously deserted. She even let out four short but high-pitched screams, but to no avail. Seeing that she would be in charge of her own salvation, Anna hoisted herself to her feet using her indiscriminately robust upper body strength. On account of the fact her left foot currently resembled a horror movie prop, Anna decided to hop on her good foot to the nearest dwelling.

She bounced gracelessly up to the front door, grabbed the phallic shaped knocker and pounded three times. After ten minutes, Anna decided that waiting quietly was not an effective method, and so she began to shout several loud expletives in Deutsch. Bellowing angrily in that particular language may not have been the wisest move in her current climate, but Anna always found that the German dialect was uniquely suited to abrasive language.

In between her fourth or fifth ‘scheiße’, Anna heard a faint shuffling from behind the door. With her ear pressed firmly against the wood, she listened intently as the sound grew increasingly louder. It transformed from an indistinct shuffle into the unmistakable sound of footsteps. The footsteps drew closer.

Instead of enacting a bit of caution or common sense (never one of her strong points), Anna stayed indiscriminately close to the door and fixed unto her face a characteristic expression of ‘YOU’VE KEPT ME WAITING’.

Anna watched fixedly as the unknown person on the other side began to twist the golden knob. As the door slowly creaked upon, the invasive light of the early afternoon shone through to illuminate what, or who, was waiting inside.

The sight made the breath catch in Anna’s throat, causing her to crumple to the floor and gasp a single word.

‘…Scheiße.’

#writersdesk

[nickthorts]

Monty was a quiet lad, he never spoke a word. His dad was Boris Yeltsin.

#poemofthebeast

[nickthorts]

#comictimeyeah

[nickthorts]

FTWD - Beat Poetry for the New Generation

The Other Half

‘Oh, how the other half live With their t-shirts and mini-guns I wonder if I could give Them a stern message about gun safety

It will take no less than five Of the hours of your life To teach them how to dive Instead of shooting other people’

The Fancy Man

'A twinkle of the eye A tip of the hat That fancy man Will steal your cat And eat him.’

The Joker

'The Joker always plays his hand

He doesn’t know how to play His hand That is why he is

The Joker.’

#writersdesk

[nickthorts]

Pedro was an orphan, his life was most unhappy. He had one friend – the sky.

#poemofthebeast

[nickthorts]

#comictimeyeah

[nickthorts]

NickThort For

‘…in which we take a second to ponder the future by way of searching the infinite wisdom of the universe’

  Horoscopes For You! Read Them! Have Future!

Aquarius – The moon is high, and so is your mother. You need to get a handle on her drug addiction before it is too late. You will make new friends in old brothels.

Pieces – The tides are having an impact on your equilibrium, causing you to become horridly seasick. An old love will steal your birth certificate, making it difficult for you to apply for a passport.

Aries – For you Rams, the beckoning summer season means impending embarrassment as you are woefully and sickeningly out of shape. You will find your fortune when every single member of your family is slaughtered in a brutal fashion.

Taurus – You will endeavour to get in touch with nature, only for you to trip and fall into a wasp’s nest. Attempts to reconcile with your illegitimate child will go poorly when it is revealed he has joined a doomsday cult.

Gemini – The aligning of the Moon and Uranus will lead to many poor bum related jokes from your coworkers. Your debut novel will be poorly received by the reading public who will brand you as a ‘hack’.

Cancer – Orion is in a playful mood, and so are you. As a result, you will be convicted on thirty counts of sexual harassment. A debate between friends over the ‘best’ kind of peanut butter will descend into a fistfight.

Leo – Mercury is in retrograde, and so is your hairline. Your career aspirations will fizzle as compromising nude photos of you are posted on the internet.

Virgo – The new moon means new beginnings for some, but you will remain in the depressing rut you’ve been in for the last 10 years.  You will attract the attention of the local homeless community, who will establish a shanty town on your front lawn.

Libra – Disturbances in the solar system will manifest themselves in itchy rashes in hard to reach places on your body. You will reconsider your stance on gay marriage after a confusing dalliance with a person of unknown gender.

Scorpio – Neptune is in motion, which will amplify your friends’ disgust when they discover the secret Nickelback CD you have stashed in your room. You will find yourself on public transport after dark, and immediately lament your position when you see and smell your fellow travellers.

Sagittarius – The Lunar belt is causing your social filter to fail, resulting in you accidentally asking a number of fat women when their babies are due. A gypsy will offer you a business opportunity that you are unsure whether to accept.

Capricorn – The winds of Spring suggest fertility; if that fertility refers to the parasites living in your clothes. A flippant remark from a co-worker will lead you to get an ill-advised haircut that will open you up to further ridicule.

#nickthort

[nickthorts]

Peter was a crass boy, he liked to swear and cuss. A werewolf maimed his parents.

#poemofthebeast