nikithathampy

[nikithathampy]

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[nikithathampy]

I don't think I can lose faith in myself just yet. It's not a fight. Not a battle. It's simply is, how I wake up in the afternoon and immediately think. It is how I run around my pup and want to be reminded. It how I watch and read and think I wanna live for another moment just yet. It how the untimely rain, and the music in my ears makes me feel. It is how I witness myself when I've already given up, these memories still intact. I have lost faith a long time ago. Am I holding onto it? I'm not. Have I lost it all? Perhaps. Am I living still because it takes more courage than I have to do any otherwise? Yes. I don't think I understand faith for what it means, by word, to the world, or for what it used to signify even to me. Faith is as good as faithless then. But there's me, in front of the mirror every so often, reminding myself that just one more day and then maybe life would not hurt so much. Do I wish miracles would happen? Desperately so. Do I know the futility of such wishful thinking? All to well. Do I stop hoping so? Never. Because there are more days to live. There are relations where burning bridges would hurt.There are moments where I have been happy and undeniably so. That makes me think, for whatever faith now means- perhaps it is a little star, light not of its own and galaxies apart that I borrow every night to feel a little less lonely - do I just give up that easily? I guess not. Not now. Not today. I think, not just yet.

~nt

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[nikithathampy]

Is mourning what it would take to ease my pain? Would forcing out my stubborn tears lighten the burden I feel? There's a constant roaring in my head. Somewhere beneath all that I've done to get over the ache building in my life, I'm losing ground. I'm being pulled in under and it's sad, that I see my life falling apart at the seams and I'm not bothered enough about it. I was tied back to life with a thread. Now severed, my lifeline now lost, the light I had started to grow so fond of now gone, I don't want to remain alone. But I'm human. I die everyday in self-hatred. I die every second in helplessness. I wake up to die feeling the pain of my thread severed again and again. The hands that joined me with life, cut me off it. I should cry. I should hate. I should roar in pain. But I suffer alone. I mourn by myself, for myself. I mourn so that I never forget. I mourn because it meant the difference between life and death. I wish all this pain would stay. I wish to never mourn enough about it.

In remembrance, and always in love,

~ nt

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[nikithathampy]

Sam Chivers — Black Hole (New Scientist, illustration, 2013)

#artwork #art

[nikithathampy]

#shewritesnomore #writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #poeticstories #writingthestorm #smittenbypoetry #writtenconsiderations #writerscreed #deadwatered #twcpoetry #writeblrcafe #bitsofstarglow #poetry #poetwhispers #poetryportal

[nikithathampy]

You are enough. Thinking about you, I mean. Until that day comes when my mind is feeble enough to recall even parts of you, until then I'm satisfied with fondly remembering you. I'm content to just miss you when I love you. When the details all begin to fade, I would still remember the feeling they left. When you are no more a person I can find strength to imagine, I'll resort to looking myself in the mirror. Where I am is where you are. And there you are, in the cloud behind my eyes. All that I see, clear or not, is all that you show me. And you've shown me such wonders in life, everything else falls short before it. I see you all the more when I fail trying to see. Half of me, is the whole of you. The whole of me, is the whole of you. I love you. I always do.

~nt

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[nikithathampy]

I turn sideways and hold out my arm to show you my phone. The reel plays on it as you watch and looking ahead I giggle on my own. Like this, every few things that tug on my heartstrings I reserve for you. At a turn of my head, I believe there is you. You are here, sometimes crooning in my ears and at other times leaning your soul to mine. Wherever you are and whenever you come, you're here with me before you've arrived. I wait, giddy with happiness. Because even when you're not here at a turn of my head, you speak to me from some faraway place. You talk such flirtations with me, but I see how you just want me to know I'm with you wherever you go and you're with me whether we will it or not. Before I know so, I'm still as much in awe of you. Darling, you've no idea I've loved you long before I ever loved you.

~nt

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[nikithathampy]

You were there wherever my eyes reached,

Where it didn't, from thence I thought I always heard

But to now sit by myself and realize that

It was not you but I who didn't exist-

I'm just sad, or more disappointed than sad

All that talk of destiny I'm left to disassemble on my own

To rummage through memories when they fade from me,

Everything was so much when they were so little

With so much now, there is barely anything,

I'm unwilling to forget but I don't remember just as well-

When I didn't know what it all meant, I liked you

I loved you, the more scared I was

Now that you are there but it wasn't you at all,

I realize how still very fond I am of you

But not you, it was me who was not, and yet

Even when I was not, I was you

You were me more than I ever was, and I like that.

I'll always like that.

Nobody does that to me, not even you,

But I do and in me, you do too.

~nt

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[nikithathampy]

I realize how I hate leaving the door to my room open. People always come in. They talk. They disturb the sheets on my bed. All eventually leave. It is a sacred space where I'm content to be just me. That someone would just casually barge in and disturb the rhythm of my life inside that space makes me writhe in pain. My limbs twists from their touch. My throat strains from holding my screams in. My chest heaves at the carelessness with which they handle my space, its sacrality. I am left wanting to burn everything down in the fire erupting in my veins. Drown all that is an extension of me in my own anger at allowing such an attitude from them. But I keep the tears from falling. I would throw the pillows around, but they would find their place soon enough. I suppress, because that is what I always do. No one could share the weight of what I keep contained. People take a peek and leave. That's all they ever do. I realize how I hate leaving the door to my room open. The door to the room that keeps all contained. There's life there. There's anger at the world no one sees. There's a plea for help always. The door to my room is a door to ... nonetheless, I hate leaving open.

~nt

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[nikithathampy]

Your name spells as Lover in my palm,

What do I do?

Smile by smile,

Memory by memory

And with time, am I learning to look past you?

Should I just finally let it be?

I say, l'll wait for another hour,

Perhaps another day,

Stretch it as far as a different lifetime maybe,

But I'll, eventually, let fate have its way.

I'm tired, more than anything now,

I would like to just rest.

Yeah, I would like to just rest.

~nt

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[nikithathampy]

Must be so terrifying,

To be lost beyond want,

Farther away than you can recall,

Not many hours until I find you now,

Therefore please wait for me,

I promise to bring you home.

I promise, because I understand -

~nt

Take me home, will you, for I've been out here lost, more than I wanted, longer than I anticipated, and lonelier than I imagined.

- DG

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[nikithathampy]

Sitting in my dark room, the morning dews drifting on the panes beyond the closed curtain, soft daylight dancing in-between its own shadows, music playing on my right ear alone, I've not one thought left inside of me that's not about you. I've come miles and years away, enough that anyone would let go. Anyone apart from me, that is. I look left and see you walk past me. I blink and your face is of a time I can't recall easily anymore. Tears fill my eyes at the thought of it. That I might ever forget how you were, who you are still to me. When I lean my head on the wall, eyes now on the ceiling, I'm thinking of then when you smiled looking at me. Swiftly, through the tears, my lips curl up. A memory so lovely is it to me, even despair is shy to confront. When my lashes shudders, heavy with tears as my eyes close up, I'm reminded, as if in a whirlwind, all that was you, all that which had me know and feel you. Sometimes you come to me in my dreams and there, I sleep as if my bed were you and I was in your company. After all this time, I still falter when I walk, and I hope you'd magically appear beside me. Maybe even call me from behind. Or recognize me when we are not us anymore. But because time has passed, I know it's love. I don't recall myself without recalling you. I never saw you the first time. Sitting there in the corner keeping to yourself, when I hadn't even looked, I had felt you. When I hadn't even seen, I had saw. It's that way even now. You're nowhere near, and yet, you couldn't possibly be closer. All these years and I feel you just the same. Always a heartache. Always , always so joyous. Such beautiful memories to remind me time and again, that it was you. That it was love, only because it was You.

~nt

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[nikithathampy]

Sad eyes. Happy eyes.

Your adoring gaze, my only solace

Cuts, cuts, cuts, bruises and more cuts

Darkness serenading me into my trench

Footsteps, whispers. Tick. Tick. Tsk.

Your eyes; Sad happy eyes, my lone delight.

~nt

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[nikithathampy]

#shewritesnomore #writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr #deadwatered #poetwhispers #writtenconsiderations #poeticstories #poetselixir #writingthestorm #writeblrcafe #twcpoetry #bitsofstarglow #writerscreed #poetryportal #smittenbypoetry #spilled ink

[nikithathampy]

Those little details about life that no one cares about, I do. I do too much infact. It consumes me, or rather I consume them. That's what I do to keep living. And on a good day, it's easy to hide it behind a kind smile. But on a bad day, I'm a bad news to even myself. I feel. I feel things a little too deeply. And that's because I care. I live, breathe and love like that. I've known no other way. So tell me, am I too much trouble to love? Do I not deserve someone who reads me for who I am?

~nt

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[nikithathampy]

You make me wait,

Tear apart - that smile,

Humility, no one so kind

You fold me, wrap into me

Make the world seem so small

Places where it was cold,

After you they were no more

Find me now wingless and above

Drowning, dealing on my own,

You begin, and end; Darling,

You begin like you never end

~nt

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[nikithathampy]

Can it ever be that another knows one entirely?

One should know the scars that marks them,

Over heaves held with fists in the hair,

The punching, the thrashing of prostate limbs

Claws digs deeps on shoulders lend for other's miseries

Wounds hereto not, opens up on that wonderous skin-

Wish, Wish, Wish, one time the demon comes,

Onto it's back could fling oneself and all and be gone

- When one's voice is their own favourite, its feverish grating grows to be too

But bittersome is that which escapes to hear,

Pitiful is one to self when the light one hates hits the eyes

Words becalmed, woes prefers their own company now

Breathe every second of every day to keep alive

Laughter in the pits of one's stomach, don't mind

But one hopes, hopes for another before self to understand,

As one struggles to empty the cassettes in the brain,

To heal, one craves another's love to learn to love

But even against plain kindness and unthreatened patience,

How can one who is lost guide another to self

Despite the immeasurability of resonance with another,

Can one still ever truly unstitch those wounds once sealed shut,

Unmask and release the floods held so far

One needs another to see the raw stretches the mirror alone sees

Know every happiness

Know every sunset

Know one like one knows oneself best

Know another like one knows oneself best.

It can, can't it?

Know me more like I know myself.

~nt

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