nishwrites

[nishwrites]

as I finish healing I'm somehow back to the anger phase again.

I don't ever deny the world of pain you put me through and the days i wanted to kill myself from your horrific abuse. I'm not bargaining because I no longer want to beg and plead for you. I'm not actively depressed anymore. I've accepted that I can never talk to you again if I want to live. These are all facts.

and yet I'm so angry that I bled out so much love just to be tossed aside like i was no one. Everyone told me you'd discard me and yet it's the shock of it I keep reliving. and the anger. the anger that rushed through me then and still does. that you made me lie in court, hurt my family, lose myself... for what? to be dropped like no one?

and even more, I'm angry at myself for believing you were not going to succumb to who you really are - a leech, a parasite - weak in every way except physical. that you were better because of me. that you were better for me. why would I be the exception when you hurt me the worst? constantly made me feel like I somehow deserved it?

how stupid could i be?

and I'm the angriest for the loss of who I was and who I could have been without the trauma. I wish I didn't know what it felt like to be beat up by a man who told her he loved her and would never hurt her. I wish I didn't sit in your apartment for a week crying with a broken face and smile just to be kicked out and crying in a Walmart parking lot with a not even fully healed black eye. wondering why I'm even alive still, why whatever is up there didn't whisk me away when it could have. thinking death would have been better than living through that immense pain. I wish I didn't know what it felt like to be strangled and begging to please be let go. over and over punched into the bed to the point that i sometimes still have nightmares that force me to sleep in a ball of tears and shaking on the floor.

I've lost years of my life. I've pulled many a gray. I'm still coming back to myself and every interaction feels so hard. I feel like an impostor, like there's a smoke screen between me and the world. I've fumbled relationships, found adversity in just trying to be heard, become scared of my own voice. These are the impacts you don't see. You see me traveling. I see me escaping.

And yet I'm supposed to be strong to the world. Just move on. Moving on from the person is easy. Moving on from the pain they left you with? Especially when that pain is a vast ocean with seemingly no end or beginning? Really fucking hard. Maybe even impossible.

I'm mostly ok, don't get me wrong. I'm fine day to day. But underneath I'm shaking. And i worry it'll never fully go away and I'm going to be resentful about the pieces of me that disappeared and never got a chance to see the light of day of today.

[nishwrites]

I'm slowly starting to have another feeling come up in me. not the sadness around him, but the wound it is attached to. I don't see him in my head anymore but I do see little me. crying in the bathroom after being excluded from lunch. reading alone in the library while mom and dad fight outside. little bits and pieces of that abandonment trauma, that girl who became a solo traveler to escape the lonely and heartbreaking life she had at home, that girl who dreamt of having an invisibility cloak, that girl who wrote her imaginary friends into lore. that girl who just desperately wanted to belong and be loved. it's so hard.

[nishwrites]

when I sat there on your couch and you were putting together that tv stand. I stood behind you just watching every movement of yours, memorizing everything i could.

I had never wanted anyone this badly in my life. I had never looked at someone and just felt pure yearning. to have every inch of their soul and to hold it as long as they'd let me. I had never wanted to love someone this much.

that type of pure desire hits me with so much pain now. because i realize it would never be that. it would always be the lost dream that never would materialize. the dream that would shatter like a clay pot. that i grasped for like straws, each shard lodging in my skin as I reached to grab it. desperation filling my vessel. desire becoming death.

[nishwrites]

it can't be true.

but I know that's what you're telling everyone.

that I was a cancer that stunted your growth. a weed that needs to be killed. some sort of an unwanted growth, a pest, a living ball of misery, a weight, a burden, an accident. a long-term accident that ruined your life.

but

never that I held you tightly in my arms after YOU laid your hands on me and got caught. a situation i had told myself i would firmly walk away from if it ever happened

never that I drove to you from anywhere, any situation just to help when I'd get one of your calls (and god I'd kill to see your name flash across my screen again).

never that I called your name in my sleep for days when we couldn't talk, and that I gently poured that love into you.

never that I quietly cleaned up behind you, filtered out all the bad so people would like you, checked to make sure you were going to be ok on all those court websites, found your therapist, bought you plenty of groceries and takeout.

never that I (mostly) answered your calls and listened no matter how dumb it was. even when you were just making dick jokes or telling me the plot of a book. and especially when it mattered.

never that I loved you through mistake after mistake. of course I made my own. but I accepted it all as a part of you. I saw you as flawed and only loved you more for it.

never that I truly saw you. I saw the hurt child inside you and the inner child that needed to be healed. I forgave and forgave because that you was the one I knew was inside.

never that I prayed for you and I don't even pray. because I knew you needed that energy in the universe.

[nishwrites]

[nishwrites]

"he targeted me"

[nishwrites]

I'm really not ready to grieve and go through heartbreak again. it's that in between phase right now where I'm realizing he just can't and won't love me the way he did before. and i am forcing myself to be numb. because when i look down into the abyss and see every sweet kiss he gave me, every morning i woke up in his big, snuggly arms, every time he reached over to hold my hand after a fight, every bear hug where he just put his weight on me and swayed me, every time he smiled at me across the room, every time he held my hand in public despite the cute mismatch of our fingers, every time he made love to me, looking deep into my eyes, every cute small surprise, every time I'd stare at his beautiful face just in a daze, every time i looked into his mesmerizing brown eyes. I crash. I can't breathe.

and i know somewhere inside he feels the same but right now he won't acknowledge it. I want to cry it all out with him and figure it out once and for all. because we have both been hurt by this attempt at love and we can also heal. this doesn't need to be so difficult. so I hope and pray that he will come back to me someday. and in the meantime I will keep loving him as strongly as I do now, bring him into everything I do, and honor his love for me in my everyday life. love isn't transactional. it doesn't exist only if he loves and wants me. it exists on a plane of its own and thats exactly what makes life worth living.

donny, I hope you get some clarity. I know I am and it still changes nothing. I love you more than I could ever put in words. and I'll always love you, and that is no exaggeration.

[nishwrites]

you're splitting, baby.

you're seeing me in all black or all white. every one of my actions needs to fit your all bad, all black narrative. when we first met, those things were painted all white. you see yourself like that too and i know it.

when will you realize the world is in color? once you do there will be so much more love in your heart. even for those who've hurt you. even for those who didn't meet your needs.

[nishwrites]

I miss it so much.

emotional safety. this term I used with shayna to describe times in the past that I look back to.

when I told Farah about my first rape and she was the first friend I ever told and instead of judging me for being in that situation or not fully listening...she just hugged me. no words asked.

when I told chloe ganesh wasn't the guy for me. that I didn't really love him but desperately wanted to. that I had spent 3 years trying to mold myself to be the girl of his dreams but I had forgotten I could also be the girl of my own dreams. that I had basically wasted 3 years loving someone who had nothing in common with me. and she just said "I understand." and supported me all the way - even when I ended up using arjun to break up with him even though I already knew well before. I just lacked the self respect. but she still stood by me.

when matthew believed me, no questions asked. and he made sure to make me feel safe that summer. even if he wanted to see other girls, he never made me feel like I was inherently worthless. even if I wasn't always the easiest to like...or love. whatever that summer was. he knew I was hurting and was always gentle with that wound. if you're reading this, I hope you know how much i value you despite the pain you caused me later. you were the first guy to ever treat me with respect and patience, and that is a low bar.

when i drunkenly tried to sleep with arjun right after telling him about the rape. stumbling around his kitchen drunk while he poured me water. it was embarrassing but he held my hand instead of laughing at me. and he didn't sleep with me at all that night, just tried to make me feel safe.

when arjun dedicated most of our relationship to making me feel safe and whole, even when he did not. no matter what happened, he always put me first and treated me like i was worth the pain. he only really walked away when he felt there was nothing more and it was awful but I get it. but before that? a love so whole and complete and all encompassing that I never felt less than. my quirks were okay. even when I had adhd problems they were just adhd problems. every conflict could be solved with logic and love. also if you are reading this, you are the only ex I can securely say I will always love somewhere inside because you were the blueprint for everyone to come. I wish you didn't leave the way you did and we probably were only ever meant to touch each other's lives in our early 20s, but when you did fit me...you fit me so well. and if not for you I never would have learned to love or value myself at all. thank you, and I hope you make anuta happy as hell. you deserved a love with someone who could complete you rather than be just like you. and now you do - you made that warm chai and biscuit come true.

when I ran away from jazz bašta in belgrade after a trauma reaction and santi ran after me instead of letting me be angry. and even though we never fully resolved it, he made sure I knew my place in his life - special, valued, understood. even if that wasn't exclusively romantic. before leaving. I didn't think I deserved closure and care before that. now I do.

when even when i was floating in Budapest, angry and sad, and jes and steve made me feel safe and not judged for what I

when matthew came back as a friend and treated me with respect and accountability. though I have no idea if I trust you enough to be a close friend, I didn't lie when I said you are important. thank you for showing me that I'm worth accountability. I'm worth earning and gaining respect and trust. I'm not sure what this means, but I'm just happy i don't hate you and still feel the emotional safety I used to feel. you didn't lose all the trust and I still think you are kind and decent.

when gauri showed me that friends can be critical. that friends can hold each other to the highest standards. that friends can be angry and loving at the same damn time. that friends can have conflict but still resolve and be better later. the world may not ever fully get you, and I know you feel misunderstood much like I do. and that's why you are my travel soul mate and the only one to really get me. you never assume the worst of me. I still remember when i told you what that guy did to me and you believed me immediately. you introduced me to him and you knew with no words exchanged how much pain it caused and you didn't question me once. thank you, thank you, thank you.

when I told anuja about my suicidal year - 2019 - over arjun leaving me the way he did. right after her own stint of it. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. and we just understood.

[nishwrites]

I think we really are meant for each other but what if we need to heal first?

[nishwrites]

I am full of words. I just wish you could read my heart easily.

[nishwrites]

I desperately memorize you now so that when you inevitably walk away completely, I'll never forget you. i am absolutely terrified of a world where you are only in my dreams. so i have to capture you whole in my head now so your image is not blurred. but at least if you live on in my head, you'll be a part of my consciousness. my very being. and that to me is the most special way i will honor our love, even if i am dusty and forgotten to you.

[nishwrites]

I never knew you'd leave me like this. with so many words but nowhere to put them and no belief in the veracity of the words of my soul, and i want to desperately drill my love for him into his head so he finally believes me and never forgets. but that's clingy and desperate and he needs space which is ok but my head is screaming and my heart is bleeding. how can i let go when he consumes my soul? but I'm trying to be chill. trying to be the cool girl, i loved him but I'll be fine. I know I won't but it's what I need to tell myself so i don't break down in the middle of this coffee shop where I want to focus but his face is all I see.

with final words but no final actions or kind talk or closure making me hope there's a chance. and maybe there is one but i know i have to be patient. with my stomach jumping all the way up through my heart and this feeling of dread at night and always.

with the knowledge that I didn't have the spoons to be the best partner. that there were times I absolutely dropped the ball, that I have crippling listening and attention problems, that I was too scared to upset people that I didn't follow through on plans, that I didn't believe he loved me because why am I lovable and projected that on him. with the knowledge that you returned my love too at one point and now it might be gone to an extent.

with the knowledge that I also deserved to be loved well despite that and so did he. that I am not abusive, I am deeply flawed. that I prayed to the universe that he could just never be hurt by the dentists or the issues in his business. that i held him through pain and trauma. that our hearts beat as one through the mundane pain of real life so many times. if that isn't loving then maybe I'm doing it wrong. but it didn't always show and I'm sorry. I showed my teeth a lot but I never wanted to bite, that I can promise you. I was just so used to defending myself from pain but I'm exhausted. being on high alert or breaking down, and no in between, is no way to live. it isnt good for me and I'm sorry you felt it too. I was fearful and anxious, exactly like a hurt dog. I bit and snarled. but beneath it was a loving heart who just wanted to be loved. and when you gave it to me, I was on top of the world and craved more and more love.

with this pit in my stomach knowing we still really can be. this never had to be difficult and if you were willing to wipe a clean slate and talk through our issues in depth and methodically with solutions and no ego and a mutual willingness to grow flowers out of our pain (that applies to me too...I will force myself to listen) and come with the genuine mutual desire to really be together and grow together, we could do it. it doesn't have to be tomorrow, flowers take seasons to be planted and bloom. and our love is just like that, needs to be tended kindly and gently.

but I can't fight any longer. it seems the more I try the more you push me away and i respect you so maybe it is time to step back. work on myself for myself, but also for you one day. I think you might still love me, but you need to make the move and you've said you will let me know when you are ready to talk to me so I'll let you heal, take space, whatever you need, my love. you deserve to be happy and healthy. I'd wait months if I have to, even years. because you are the love of a lifetime and I cherish you deeply.

[nishwrites]

he punctuates my dreams

I'm realizing that the only way to love him might be from afar

in the real world he is wounded just like me. I'm the wounded animal that sheds and sheds and holds it in and makes others think she doesn't care through this act of protection and fear despite being loving and kind at her core. he's the wounded animal who is aggressive and impulsive after being hurt over and over but beneath it all loves and cares deeply.

and in my dreams, we can help each other heal and live a beautiful gentle life together. he tames my negativity and nervousness, and I tame his anger and pain.

and the reality is that we still could do this if we were intentional. if we cared to water this and let this grow.

but i guess our team has turned into one. the ball is in his court and somehow i just don't think he will choose me again now because he can't see the good in me anymore. I have hope but it's fading.

but I'll keep kneading the hope. it's what makes me the girl I am. and for him I'll put out every bit of hope into the universe, hope for his own happiness, hope that he can heal and continue to become the amazing man i know he is, hope for my healing too so maybe someday we can build castles together, hope that he really does love me a lot and will give me a chance soon or eventually, hope that he finds true love whether that's with me (I hope I hope I hope please universe) or not.

[nishwrites]

I feel like he's slipping away from me and my heart just feels heavier and heavier.

I know I truly love him, with my soul. but he's leaving me slowly and I am not prepared for this heartbreak. I just want to hold him and keep him but I guess he doesn't want to do the same for me. and my heart feels like it's splintering in my chest.

if there's any chance for him to stay, i am asking the universe to please help.

[nishwrites]

he constantly says he isn't happy

and i shed and cry and shed wondering why

what he doesn't realize is that this shit hits deep. it's wounding to be told that once again, I'm not good enough. I just want to feel enough, safe, loved.

[nishwrites]

why can't I get through to him?

I don't want to give up. I don't. my love for him goes from end to end of this very earth. there's nothing purer than what i have felt for him. if you could bottle up that love and drink it, it would taste like unadulterated honey.

but he can't seem to love me the right way. I don't doubt that he loves me, it's clear he does now, there's no way to question it. but I'm hurting. I'm shedding little bits of myself as he whisks me to and fro, pushing and pulling me over and over again. my soul is tired of not being able to just settle down and cuddle up with a nice cup of tea.

I'm not perfect. I'm not even great. but i thrive in ease. I'm not easy. life isn't easy. we're all complex. very few good, very few bad. but ease lets someone as tense and traumatized as me thrive. peace helps me see clearly. and i am lacking that right now. everything is chaotic and my vision is blurry and it doesn't feel worth trying to sort it out.

when i think back to my happiest moments, it's when my loved ones tell me it's okay. that things aren't as bad as my catastrophizimg brain thinks. that yes, i am fine, and this is safe, and no one will hurt me. why can't this peace just flow naturally?

it may not just be him but I worry that he's part of the problem. my gut is saying I'm right and i don't want to listen because my brain screams, you love him from the bottom of your heart, you see him with so much good in your eyes for him, you would give anything for that smile, you would do anything for him in general because you are invested in his very essence. but if i embody love then i must trust. and it scares the hell out of me.