notsofine

[notsofine]

I’m not sure how I feel about all this.

On one hand, my fears are recognised and validated, I haven’t been imagining it, I haven’t made it up or pushed my own views onto her blindly.

I know deep down that doesn’t make her any less, like it doesn’t make me any less. Just different and different is okay.

But my whole life I have been nothing but different and I don’t want the for her.

But if our application gets rejected I will feel stupid that I pursued this, that actually I just an over anxious mom, seeing things and imagining things and ugh I don’t know which is worse

#personal #momblr #early childhood

[notsofine]

You deserve to feel safe. To feel taken care of. It's ok to depend on people, be attached to people, need people. It doesn't mean you're not strong. It's human. Attachment isn't always bad. It's not a weakness.

[notsofine]

#trauma

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[notsofine]

Brain zaps

I am at or beyond capacity and it is making me very angry I am not liking the person I am

[notsofine]

15/2/24

Ive hit a wall.

I am not coping. T is concerned about my ability to continue to work and juggle increasing responsibilities. I am the point where I am avoiding all calls and messages, even to schedule help bc the thought of having to talk to anyone is just too hard

#personal #burnout

[notsofine]

I looked up my OT report from 2 years ago and I really should not have

#personal

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I miss my baby

[notsofine]

Not feeling that great today

[notsofine]

How do you move on when you still blame yourself? When your insides are made of shame?

#personal #trauma

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#recovery

[notsofine]

That feeling of being stuck.

Of your voice disappearing, scream dying in your throat before it even starts.

I’ve never been able to scream. Not even when given permission to. I have always frozen instead of reacting, always played nice instead of fighting back. I never had a voice.

When the nightmares start it reminds me of that all over again. Wanting to scream, wanting to pull myself out of it, wanting to move but I can’t

#personal #trauma

[notsofine]

crow in the winter ❄️ Photo by Shawn Bergman

[notsofine]

ASD 2 and ADHD-C

It’s weird. I’m not sure if it fits, if I should be taking this space, like it isn’t meant for me.

It’s weird that I choose to write it here instead of letting anyone else outside my psych and supports know.

It makes me question, which parts of me are real, who am I, what am I. The ptsd/trauma label still sticks, though she believes that it is partly because this wasn’t identified earlier. And with that comes some sort of grief.

I haven’t told anyone because I don’t yet know how I feel about it. Afraid? Of what? Of being looked at differently? (That already happens) Of being thought of as less? At being laughed at? Afraid no one would believe me? Afraid I don’t believe myself?

I don’t know. I am so confused z

#personal #trauma #adhd #actually autistic #recovery #therapy thoughts

[notsofine]

I'm sorry for all the times my mental health made me a bad friend.

[notsofine]

[notsofine]

Its been a long and convoluted process but I requested for and (finally) received my medical and psych records from pre birth till psych ward discharge.

It’s a lot.

Some very heavy reading material. It answers some things, clears up some fuzzy memories but brings up more questions.

And on the back of asd adhd diagnosis I am now completely overwhelmed.

I have been assured that it isn’t wrong, I can’t be faking it and it would have been picked up if I was but still. I am still questioning everything.

#personal #trauma #recovery