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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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A Pirates Life (For Us) - Chapter 7

Summary : Logan meets Remus' new boyfriend, he is not impressed.

Previous chapter From the beginning Read on ao3

Chapter 7 - Some people bring out the worst in us

It didn’t take long for the captain to follow the trail where his crew had gone, they weren’t exactly subtle people after all. He banged on the door of the inn Remus was supposedly staying in, barely repressing a growl as a younger, slightly shorter handsome man opened the door. “How may I help you?” he asked curiously.

“I’m the captain, I believe some members of my crew are here?” he replied coldly.

“Oh, you’re Logan.” he commented, rolling his eyes, “They’re upstairs, if you want to buy a room, you have to pay separate,” he added, all the friendliness disappearing from his voice as he recognised the man Remus had been so upset over.

Logan was now even less riveted to be talking to him, but dealing with it for the chance to see if Dallas was right. Just then, the voice of Remus called from the other side of the room. “Brett, who is it?” he asked, walking over and hugging Brett happily. That was when he turned to see Logan. “Oh... It’s you.”

Logan’s expression was unreadable as he looked at the pair. Inside him however feelings of jealousy burned bright while he did his best not to lash out at the men standing in front of him. The last thing he needed was to give Remus any more reasons to dislike him.

“If it’s not imposing, I’d like to check up on my crew,” he said with as polite a tone as he could muster. “After that I’ll be out of your hair. I have my ship to attend to,” he finished off as he brushed past them, not waiting for an answer before he headed up the stairs to the rooms on the second floor.

“Are you okay?” Brett asked Remus once Logan was gone, a concerned look on his face. Remus took in a shaky breath but still managed to nod and give him a small smile. He pulled himself close to Brett, burying his face in the other man’s neck for comfort.

Meanwhile Logan had been going around checking the rooms. Not really because he felt he had to, he just had to find an excuse to leave the disgustingly cute pair out of his sight. It was dawning on him that maybe Remus was truly happier here, without him. His ego refused to believe this however. That changed when he came back down the stairs and overheard Remus and Brett talking softly. He stood in the shadows watching them where they couldn’t see him.

Remus had his face hidden in Brett’s shoulder and was mumbling to him softly, his voice just within earshot of the captain. “I suppose it was the lack of closure? He kind of just rejected me and walked away without another word then the next thing I know, they leave me here. I’m right in being upset, right? That isn’t how relationships are supposed to be?”

Brett nodded, “Yes, of course you are, you’re allowed to be upset. By the sounds of things, he barely treated you like a person, let alone a significant other,” he reaffirmed him softly, a hand winding gently around his waist. “Logan was very cold to you and if what you think about him having more going on is accurate, maybe he just isn’t ready to see how much he’s missing when he pushes you away.”

Remus flushed softly, leaning up and bashfully kissing Brett’s cheek. “You’re so sweet, thank you, Brett.” he giggled, a smile finally finding its way onto his face.

“You deserve to be happy, Remus,” Brett added, “No matter who makes you happy, you deserve that happiness and whether that be me or the captain if he gets his shit together or literally anyone else, I’m here for you.”

Remus’ expression softened and he leaned up to gently kiss him, his hand gently cupping Brett’s cheek in the same way he did when he’d kissed Logan against the mast, not even that long ago. “Well… I don’t know what the future will be, but you make me happy, Brett. Very happy.”

Logan felt his heart squeeze painfully in his chest as he watched Remus kiss Brett once again. He took the opportunity of them both being preoccupied to quietly make his exit out of the inn, the sound of the door closing being the only indication he left. The rain was coming down even harder now and water was sloshing around his feet as he stormed his way back to the ship. He didn’t acknowledge Dallas waiting by as he slammed the door of his cabin behind him and locked the door, making it clear he didn’t wish to be disturbed.

Dallas walked over to the door and stood outside for a moment. The sound of the rain almost drowned it out, but he heard a few loud crashes of what he assumed was Logan throwing things before the squeaking of his chair as he slumped down in it. “Logan, what happened?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows. At first, he got no answer, so he asked again. “Logan. Tell me what happened, you’re clearly upset.”

At this tone, the captain thundered over to the door and threw it open, glaring at Dallas with tears in his eyes, “You were right! Is that what you want to hear?? You were right, he’s happy without me just like I knew he would be!” he yelled, his voice drenched with self pity.

Dallas groaned as he watched Logan glaring at him. “Logan this isn’t about me being right. This is about the fact that you’re just going to let this happen like the coward you are because you’re too afraid to admit you have feelings like an actual human being!” he exclaimed as he raised his hands up in exasperation. “I can tell you really care about Remus, that you might actually even love him-”

“Don’t you go talking to me about love!” Logan roared, seething as rage coursed through his veins. “You don’t know anything about me and my feelings,” he spat in his friend’s face.

“This isn’t what Patton would have wanted for you Logan and you know that,” Dallas replied with an even tone.

Logan froze at the mention of the name for a second, his blood running cold and his fists clenching and shaking at his sides. “Dallas… Don’t you dare speak to me about Patton like you know what he would have wanted,” he spoke coldly, staring at the floor as more tears of frustration pooled in his eyes.

“I knew Patton too, Logan! He was my friend! For fuckin years and yes, I miss him, but I’m not letting the loss of a good man take over my fuckin life because he loved us and he wouldn’t have wanted you to waste your life brooding and slowly withdrawing from anyone who dares try to love you!” he snapped. “He would’ve hated ‘imself knowin that it was ‘is death that caused ya so much pain!”

“Dallas shut up and stop talking before I do something I might regret,” Logan said with finality, his tone cold and even, completely unsettling. He shut the door in Dallas’ face before the man had the chance to respond, locking it once again. He stumbled the few steps to his bed before he crashed down onto the sheets, completely drained and feeling utterly numb. The memory of the man he had loved so much came crashing in on him harder than any wave he’d ever encountered.

Dallas sighed in defeat as he made his way to his cabin where Zaid had been waiting for him. “What’s wrong? What happened?” the navigator asked as he took in the expression on Dallas’ face. “I think he’s given up, Zaid…” Dallas started, sitting down tiredly on his bed. “Remus is happy here, it’s up to Logan to make this better. If he’s not gonna to find it in him to fix things, then I don’t see how whatever they’ve got going would make it.”

Zaid sighed, “Well, he’s always been stubborn, Dallas.” he said, carefully shifting to pull himself onto Dallas’ lap and pull his hands from his face. “It’s not up to you, baby. You can’t keep this up anymore.” he said, linking their fingers together. “All we can do is let him make his decisions and have his regrets. Well, that and be there for damage control of course.” he said with a weak smile. “You’re wearing yourself out with all this. He’s not a child even if he does act like one. Logan needs to learn to face his own feelings, so I suggest we let things take their course. Whatever happens happens.”

Dallas looked up at his boyfriend with worry in his eyes before he sighed, “Okay...you’re right. I should have listened to you when you told me this the first five times.” Dallas sighed, “He’s just such a blundering idiot, Remus was genuinely so good for him and he went and fucked it up,” Dallas frowned.

“Hey, come on, you,” Zaid said, taking his chin in his hand and pressing a kiss to his lips and chuckling softly as he pulled away, “You look all cute when you frown, you do this little pout.” he smirked, tapping the tip of Dallas’ nose as he finally pulled a smile from him.

“Alright, I get it, you want me to cheer up.” he grinned, rolling his eyes at Zaid’s playful actions and huffing with surprise as the man on top of him rolled them over and pulled him down to lay on top of him on the bed. “Did you want to go find an inn tonight or stay here?” he asked softly, wrapping his legs around Dallas’ and grabbing his shirt to kiss him.

“Here is fine,” Dallas sighed, “That way I can keep an eye on Logan,” he added, smirking when he saw Zaid’s pout, “Don’t worry, don’t worry, I’m planning on paying attention to you,” he said, rolling his eyes fondly. “Let’s get some sleep for now, come on.”

“Agreed, you look exhausted.” Zaid mumbled, wrapping his arms around Dallas’ neck and closing his eyes.

“Thanks, love.” Dallas replied sarcastically.

“Shut up, I’m asleep.”

*********************

The following days the storm continued to rage on and kept the crew stranded in the small town as they waited for it to clear out. Logan was fit to be tied with every additional day that they spent at shore, the weather taking its sweet time to settle down enough to allow them to leave. He’d refused to go into the town and had spent his time on the ship making repairs and getting everything ready so they could leave the second the sea was calm enough to do so.

This of course meant he spent his time thoroughly drenched as the rain rarely ceased and he insisted on working despite the protests of both Dallas and Zaid. The last thing he wanted was to coop himself up in a room and be left to his own thoughts. His attempts to stay sane ultimately resulted in his immune system shutting down as he wound up almost quite literally catching his death of a cold. It took not being able to get up one morning for him to admit this though, his body aching and burning from fever and hacking away with rattling coughs.

With this, Zaid was convinced into intervening before Logan died from a result of his own pig-headed stubbornness. He and Dallas brought Logan into town and set him up at the inn so he could be looked over by a doctor. Logan did his best to protest throughout but often didn’t make it very far before bursting into a coughing fit. The most immediate concern however was the fever that just didn’t seem to want to recede.

Though he really didn’t want to spend any time alone with Logan, Remus was convinced one afternoon to stay to watch over him as the others were preoccupied with repairs to the ship following damage from the storm. Remus sat by the bed and set himself to passing a cold cloth to Logan’s skin every so often in an effort to soothe the fever that continued its ravages.

It had left Logan in a rather delirious state, he muttered constantly to himself, most of which Remus couldn’t make out. There were small phrases here and there however that he managed to make out. Logan kept mumbling about someone called Patton, and Remus wondered who that could possibly be. A moment later he found himself flushing as Logan started repeating Remus’ own name over and over again, brows pulled together tightly and looking as though he was in pain.

Remus switched out the cloth again and swallowed the lump in his throat, “Logan? I’m here, can you hear me?” he asked softly, but the captain made no sign to show that he’d heard him. In fact, he looked to be getting worse as his lip wobbled, his hand weakly reaching up to grab at nothing as he made something akin to a pitiful whimpering noise.

“R-Remus! No! Please don’t go…” Logan pleaded, his head lolling slightly with half lidded eyes and an expression deeply troubled, “I’m sorry… I can’t make you happy, I’m not happy…” he trailed off again leaving Remus both incredibly troubled and wondering what Logan was seeing.

“Hey, Logan, it’s okay, I’m still here…” Remus tried to respond, but Logan returned with nothing but more pained broken sobs. It took Remus at least an hour to calm Logan back into a restless sleep, but by then he was crying himself. Silent sobs shook his body as he tried to recover from all that he’d heard and by the time Zaid and Brett returned to switch out with him, he was shaking and still incredibly troubled. Thoughts of what Logan had meant swirled in his head, but there wasn’t much he could do about any of them. Did Logan really actually miss him?

Remus figured the only way to find answers was to ask Dallas about this since Logan was in no state to explain himself, not that Logan would have even if he were, Remus thought to himself. He found the man sitting in the dining room with other members of the crew and decided to approach him. Dallas’ face lit up when he saw him walking towards his table. “Remus! How’s Logan?” he asked, a line of concern creasing his forehead.

“Still not good unfortunately…” Remus admitted, his voice trailing off. It took him a moment to steel himself to speak again. “Actually, Dallas, could I talk with you for a moment?” he asked cautiously. Dallas raised an eyebrow at this but nodded and got up to follow him to the back so they could talk quietly without being bothered. “So, what can I do for you Remus?” Dallas asked, an open look on his face.

Remus hesitated for a moment, choosing his words carefully before speaking. “Who… who’s Patton?” he asked, deciding to get straight to the point.

Dallas froze at the mention of the name, his mouth hanging agape for a moment. “Oh… Remus, where did you hear that name?” he asked, biting his lip and looking at the other man with wide eyes.

“Well, uh… Logan was calling out to him...asking for him to come back and stuff, I just wondered who it was because it feels like there’s more going on that I haven’t been told here and I’m trying to figure it all out, but I don’t exactly have anything to go off,” Remus explained, Dallas’ expression slowly becoming a deeper and deeper frown.

“Oh god… Well, I don’t know if I should go into that, Remus…” he trailed off, “It’s very personal to Logan and while I do trust you to be sensitive with that information, it may be best that you wait until Logan gets better and you ask him…” he babbled nervously, clearly trying to get out of the conversation.

Remus furrowed his eyebrows, looking back up at him, “Dallas, you know he won’t talk to me… He doesn’t want to and you know how stubborn he is. He just looked so distraught and then he started calling my name, begging for me to not leave him and Dallas, it scared me! I’ve never seen him like that before…”

Dallas bit his lip again, almost breaking skin. He was so uncomfortable with the topic, but with the desperate look on Remus’ face he couldn’t not try to explain a little bit more. Remus was right after all, this wasn’t something that was easy to get out of Logan and it might not hurt to give him minimal context. He sighed deeply before starting, “Patton was Logan’s fiance before he… passed away tragically…”

Remus’ eyes went wide and his mouth hung open slightly as he took in these words. To say he was in shock was an understatement. “Needless to say the event broke Logan,” Dallas continued, “Patton was the love of his life; he hasn’t been the same since…” he trailed off solemnly.

Swallowing hard, Remus had to sit down a moment to try and process this information. “I… that would explain a lot then…” he spoke in an almost whisper. “What… what happened to him? To Patton?” he asked somewhat nervously.

Dallas grimaced at this, looking pained by the question. “That’s not for me to say… Not to mention that I don’t exactly know what happened. No one does, only Logan was there,” he admitted with an apologetic tone.

“God...that’s awful…” he mumbled, playing with his hands and fidgeting, “I see now why Logan has such a hard time…”

“Yeah, he really does…” Dallas trailed off, “Well, I’m gonna go back, I need to make sure they aren’t killing each other…” he joked half heartedly. “I’ll uh...see you later.”

Remus nodded and went back to his room, a pensive expression on his face as he thought over the new information he’d learnt, still trying to take it in.

**This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, (https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject) which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including: short comments, long comments, questions/theories, constructive criticism, reader-reader interaction.

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#intrulogical #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #thomas sanders #logan sanders #remus sanders #fanfic #fanfiction #pirate au #gay fic #multiple chapters #long reads #a pirates life for us #chapter 7

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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A Pirates Life (For Us) - Chapter 6

Summary : Remus tries to express how he feels to Logan and everything seems to fall apart

Previous chapter Next chapter From the beginning Read on ao3

Chapter 6 - I love you came far too soon

The next morning, Remus yawned softly, stretching his arms out and turning to find Logan still asleep next to him. Remus smiled fondly at how peaceful he looked while he was sleeping. He cuddled up to Logan's side, before he sighed. He was too comfortable to move.

Logan mumbled then groaned as he woke up. He tensed for a moment at the realization that he wasn’t alone, then relaxed once he remembered that it was Remus. Blinking slowly, he opened his eyes to see Remus peering down at him with a fond smile on his face. Logan smiled back as he stirred and stretched. “Morning,” he grumbled in a scratchy morning voice.

Remus shivered slightly, a shudder running down his spine at the grainy tone in Logan’s voice. The captain pulled him closer and wrapped his arms around him in a pleasantly warm embrace, the sun streaming through the window of Logan’s cabin and hitting the bed, the rays bleeding through the bedsheets and hitting Remus and Logan with even more of the warm feeling. “Morning, Logan.” Remus smiled, a hand resting on the captain’s cheek as he leaned in and gave him a brief kiss before snuggling back down against his chest.

Logan let out a deep sigh of contentment, he hadn’t felt this calm and happy in a very long time. However the sounds outside his cabin reminded him that there was much to be accomplished that day, a captain’s work was never done. The ship would still be at the docks of the port from where they had come back to get Remus so they would need to get back to sea during the day. It took some convincing but he managed to have Remus remove himself from his chest so they could get up and join the others on the deck.

Throughout that day, Remus decided that he wanted to do something to surprise the Captain. He really did care about him and he felt that he hadn’t yet properly shown that, so he wanted to try and do some kind of grand gesture. He told the ship's cook to set aside some ingredients and he snuck away early that evening to start cooking something for him and Logan to eat during a candlelit dinner on the deck.

He knew Logan liked being out in the evenings and it just seemed fitting. He set everything up while Logan was in his cabin and went and knocked on the door, a rose carved gently from a block of wood in his hand as he held it behind his back.

Logan opened the door to the sight of Remus standing in front of him, a look on his face that he couldn’t quite decipher. “Remus… is everything alright?” he asked, a suspicious edge to his voice. Remus simply giggled and nodded as he brought the flower from out behind his back and handed it to Logan. The Captain eyed it for a moment before taking it. “What is this for?” he questioned, rather puzzled at this point about what was going on. Remus still said nothing but kept smiling madly as he took Logan’s hand and pulled him along to where the table had been set up for the two of them.

Remus got Logan to sit down and sat down opposite, a wide grin on his face as he let Logan take everything in. He gazed over at the captain, a happy haze in his eyes as he leaned his elbow on the table. He knew he should probably still be mad at the Captain, but he couldn’t help the fondness that took over when he thought about how it felt to be held in Logan’s arms. “I made the food myself, so if you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it,” Remus commented shyly, a bashful smile on his face as he reached across the table and took the Captain’s hand in his.

“I’m sure it will be decently edible,” Logan replied with a smirk, still taking in the display. As it turned out Remus was as good a cook as he was with every other task he set out to accomplish. They both ate and talked, the setting sun casting a warm glow over the two of them. As the evening went on they finished eating and decided to take a stroll along the deck, walking hand in hand. They stopped by the railing and looked out over the sea where the moon was glistening over the surface of the water.

Remus leaned into Logan’s chest, looking up at him with a tired smile. The captain smiled back at him, taking Remus’ chin in his hand and kissing him.

“You’ve planned out quite the evening, Remus. I have to give you credit, it’s hard to do this type of thing on a ship,” Logan smirked, stroking Remus’ cheek as the other man looked up at him with a dopey smile on his face. He was looking at Logan as if the Captain was the moon and stars, his own eyes twinkling by the light of the moon.

Remus sighed happily, his plans had all gone perfectly and he was rather proud of himself for managing to pull it off. Every moment spent with Logan just felt so amazing and he could just stay there forever looking at Logan’s face, his eyes reflecting the light of the night sky. “I love you Logan,” Remus breathed out, not completely aware of what he’s just said.

Logan flinched slightly at the words, ripping himself away from Remus as if he’d been burned. His expression went from blank, to scarily emotional and overwhelmed to angry. He looked up at Remus and took a deep breath, “No, Remus. You don’t,” the Captain growled before he stormed off. Various thuds of him storming across the deck could be heard before he slammed his cabin door, leaving Remus chilled to the bone with the shock and horror that came with the rejection.

It took a moment for Remus to snap out of his shock and then he realized that he was shaking. He made his way back to the table to clean up the remains of the meal and to put away the table and silverware. The activity kept his brain from wandering too far as he tried to make sense of what had just happened. Once he made his way back to his old room and settled down to sleep however there was nothing remaining to keep him from bursting into tears which is exactly what he proceeded to do.

He was terribly hurt and confused as to what had happened, he didn’t understand how things had gone from the best night of his life to the worst moment in a question of minutes. The only thing that seemed to make sense was that the shifting point had happened when he’d so foolishly confessed his feelings to Logan. It was obvious to him that the Captain didn’t return his feelings and he was just kidding himself thinking that they really had a connection after all.

Over the next week, the only times Logan had spoken to Remus were to give orders and Remus tried his best to ignore how much that hurt. He cried into his pillow at night after everyone was asleep and no one could hear, he had to be strong for now until he could retreat back to his room. Maybe he should have just stayed at the docks…

That evening, the ship had docked in a new town. Remus was sitting on the floor, his legs hanging through two of the gaps in the ship's railing as he tried to avoid going to bed. He was tired of crying, but everytime he realised it was another night alone after such a comfortable safe one with Logan… he couldn’t help it. The captain had become his anchor and without him, Remus felt lost, like he was drifting across the ocean all alone with no compass or map. How he planned to find his way alone again though, he had no idea.

They were still supposed to be docked at the town for a little while and Remus could no longer stand sulking around. It was the middle of the night but he desperately needed to get away for awhile. He figured walking around the town would be a good idea, the exercise might help clear his mind a bit. Quietly he made his way off the ship and wandered about the dark empty streets, all the while lost in his thoughts. He continued on walking aimlessly for a few more hours, only realising how far he had walked once the sun was starting to rise in the sky.

The ship was scheduled to leave at dawn and Remus knew that he needed to turn around and head back if he didn’t want to miss it’s departure. He ran back towards the docks to see however that the ship had already pulled out back to sea, leaving him behind once again. For a moment he stood in shock as he watched it move further away. Had they not noticed his absence?

Remus sighed, a sinking feeling in his chest as all leftover optimism deflated from his shoulders. “Fuck it, they probably left me behind on purpose anyway… stupid Logan playing with my stupid feelings…” he mumbled to himself before heading back into town. Within that same day, he’d managed to find himself a job and a place to stay for the night and honestly, being away from the steady rock of the ship was doing him good. Today, he’d proved to himself that he could be perfectly self sufficient without Logan or any help at all.

That night, Remus was actually able to sleep. He was staying with a super sweet guy who had quite happily offered him a place to stay and the friendly and warm energy of the man was such a contrast to Logan and Remus found himself soaking it up like sunlight. The next morning, the guy made them breakfast and called Remus down for it, chatting with him happily and openly. It was really nice, he actually really appreciated how clearly genuine the man was.

He couldn’t believe he was saying it, but he was actually happy here…

***************

Logan had been busy ever since they had departed from the last town. Their hasty departure had been mostly due to the fact that he sensed impending bad weather and wished to make it past the worst of it on their way to their next destination. It was in the hustle and bustle of leaving so quickly that somehow Logan and the entire crew had managed to be completely unaware that Remus had not yet returned to the ship.

The first person to notice something was off was Dallas. He couldn’t help but feel that something was missing and he couldn’t quite place his finger on it. It was only the day following their departure that he realised he hadn’t seen Remus around anywhere which he found to be rather odd. Asking around the others also quickly realised that Remus was nowhere to be found. Dallas then made his way to the navigation station where Logan and Zaid were both deep in debate about how best to proceed with the oncoming storm. “Captain?” Dallas said, causing them both to turn to him in surprise, “Sorry to interrupt, but it would seem that we have a missing crew member.”

“You think I care about that right at this moment?” Logan snarled, “I would think you would know better than to interrupt us with such unimportant news.” The Captain glared daggers at his friend before returning his eyes to the map on the table before him. “With all due respect sir, it would seem that Remus was left behind when we left,” Dallas replied matter of factly.

Logan froze for a moment and sighed, “Oh, for fucks sake,” he snapped, looking back down at the map, “Well, carry on as planned, we can’t go back for him now.”

Dallas’ expression shifted to a glare, “Logan, we’re going back for him,” he demanded, crossing his arms. “He’s our friend, we aren’t just leaving him behind. Even if you don’t care, we do and I don’t know what you did that upset him so bad after he spent an entire day planning a date for you, but I slept in the room next to him, I heard him crying about it,” he ranted, “Now, you’re going back for him or so help me, I’ll get everyone to mutiny again faster than you can say aye aye, motherfucker.”

“Absolutely not!” Logan roared, turning on Dallas with a wild flare in his eyes. Zaid stepped between the two men, clearly trying to keep Logan from lunging at his boyfriend’s neck. “Sir he’s right. Not only that but this storm is moving in much faster than expected and we need to make it back to safety before it’s too late. That town is the closest one to here and if we turn around now we’ll be able to make it in time before it gets too bad.”

“Oh stop being such a coward, Zaid. It’s just a little storm and we’re already vastly behind schedule to our next destination,” Logan said with finality. In truth he knew that the storm they were headed towards was bad. He just didn’t want to turn back because he knew they would be stuck in the town for at least a week before the weather permitted them to leave once more.

With at least ten minutes more debate, Logan finally gave in and let them turn back. On their way, the crew all agreed that once they arrived, they’d go and look for Remus to make sure he was okay. While they knew he was capable, the one thing Remus seemed to lack skill in was surviving by himself.

By the time they got back, they noted that it had been a full four days since Remus had been left behind and they just hoped he’d be okay. Even if Logan refused to admit it, the crew knew that he needed Remus and they also wanted to know what had happened between Logan and Remus to upset them both so much. The crew set out as soon as they docked, leaving Logan behind with just Zaid and Virgil who were basically just there so Logan didn’t decide to just leave without them all.

***********************

Remus had been thoroughly enjoying his time in the town. Brett, the guy who had given him a job and a place to stay, worked at the one of the best known inns in the town and had allowed Remus to earn his keep by working for him. This arrangement suited Remus entirely as he enjoyed helping out and was quite good at serving the patrons. It didn’t hurt that Brett was very kind and also very charming towards Remus.

It had been four days since the crew had left and Remus decided that he was very okay if this was where he would be staying for the foreseeable future. The evening was reaching its end and Remus and Brett were finishing up closing for the night. They had taken a break, sitting at the counter with a pint of ale in front of them.

Brett had his arm around Remus’ waist as they talked about anything and everything. It had started raining earlier in the day and it had now turned into a proper storm, wind howling and thunder crashing outside the inn. Remus had a thought for his old crewmates but did his best to push that out of his mind as he leaned against Brett’s shoulder.

Brett gently took Remus’ chin in his hand and directed him to look at him, “Well, hi, you.” he grinned, Remus giggling softly in response, a soft flush blooming across his cheeks.

“Hi…” he replied bashfully, wrapping his arms around Brett’s neck. Their foreheads were pressed together as they both giggled shyly when the thud of someone banging on the door broke them out of their embrace. Remus pouted, but Brett just chuckled lightheartedly, letting the men inside. All of them were drenched, but Remus still recognised them, “Jesus, guys… What are you doing here?”

When the men realised Remus was there they rushed over to embrace him. Remus was caught quite off guard by the sudden attention. “We came here to find you!” a young crew member exclaimed.

“That and we also preferred not to die at sea on another one of Captain Logan’s famous wild goose chases in the middle of a raging storm,” Dallas added, rolling his eyes. “But the number one reason we came back was because we couldn’t leave you behind. We still don’t get how we managed to leave without noticing you weren’t there.”

Remus frowned, “Actually guys… Uh… I don’t know if I want to go back. You’re all like family and I love you all so much, but… Well, Logan doesn’t seem like he actually wants anything to do with me and while it pains me to say it because I do love him… I don’t think we’re good for each other. Logan clearly isn’t ready to love someone and I need someone who’s going to treat me like a person, I think I deserve that much.” he sighed.

“No, Remus, whatever he said he probably didn’t mean, he just gets so defensive is all and-” Dallas’ eyes widened as he began to babble out excuses for their captain, Remus quickly interrupting before he got too far.

“Dallas, I’ve met someone.” Remus sighed heavily, “I’m happy here, I don’t want to go back. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells just waiting for him to snap and it’s not like he’s ever going to apologise. He doesn’t want me and even if he does, he’ll never admit it to himself, he just thinks that little of me.” he huffed, leaning back as Brett came up behind him and hugged him to give his silent support. “I hope you guys have a good stay while you ride out the storm, I’ll be here.”

The crew members looked nervously amongst themselves, mumbling to each other about what they should do. They all looked at Dallas, they figured he was the best placed to give the final word on the matter. Seeing this Dallas heaved a sigh as he passed a hand over his face. “Alright then, I understand,” he said, a note of finality in his voice that none of the others dared question.

Ultimately it was decided that Dallas would go back to the ship to give Logan the news. The other crew members didn’t wish to go back out as the storm seemed to get worse and worse. They were also all in agreement that they were more than overdue in having a proper rest in a proper bed after so much time at sea. Since they would be there a few days they figured they might as well do so comfortably.

Remus and Brett set to preparing rooms for the men while Dallas made his way back to the ship. Though the storm raged around him as he walked at a brisk pace, he barely noticed it as he was preoccupied wondering how Logan was going to react to the news that Remus didn’t wish to come back with them. Part of him wondered if Logan would even care anymore. Deep down Dallas hoped that he still would.

He got back to the ship and tugged himself up onto the deck, walking over to Logan’s cabin and huffing as he banged on the door. Logan was sitting inside with his head in his hands at the time and opened the door to see Dallas alone outside. He raised an eyebrow and Dallas shifted before starting to speak. “He’s not coming back, sir. The crew are staying ashore, but Remus has actually made himself quite comfortable here. He’s gotten a nice place to stay, a job, he’s met someone… And well... doesn’t want to come back.”

Logan blinked a few times before he narrowed his eyes at the man in front of him. “Excuse me?” he asked, his voice dangerously cold.

Dallas swallowed hard. “Well...uh… He’s happy here, Sir… He doesn’t want to leave,” he repeated, a soft sigh coming from his lips.

“No, not that. He’s met someone?!?” The captain growled, narrowing his eyes, “Fucking bullshit,” he snapped, stepping out of the cabin and shoving him to the side as he stormed off the ship and began marching his way into town.

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 14

Summary : Logan gets some advice from his dad and makes his decision whether to reconnect with Roman.

Previous chapter From the beginning Read on ao3

Chapter 14 - Time heals all wounds

Logan spent the next day rounding up all the information for the case. The atmosphere in the office felt tense, it just seemed so wrong without Roman there. He checked his phone throughout the day to see if he had any messages from Roman, his phone screen always showed nothing though. He knew he had done the right thing, but it hurt to think he might have just ruined his relationship with Roman. The day ended and he went to see the captain to hand over the notes for the case, then headed home for the weekend.

Roman had eventually passed out, having been thoroughly exhausted from his multiple breakdowns. He then proceeded to have the most soul-wrenching nightmares and he woke up sobbing. Of course I had nightmares, honestly, what did I expect? The universe to actually be nice for once? He frowned, looking down at his phone and with a groan of distaste, when he realized it was four am. He'd slept through the rest of Friday and then Friday night. Roman rubbed his face in his hands, he'd gotten fifteen hours of sleep which meant that his mind wouldn't let him sleep for at least two days. That was going to be the worst.

He dragged himself into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water, then taking a sip of the cool liquid. He stared back into the living room, jumping when he heard his phone buzz, he dropped the glass, kneeling down to pick up the shards. A few of them cut his hand, but he couldn't care less. He walked back over to his phone and found a goodnight message from Logan. 'Hey, Roman, I'm just messaging you to say goodnight, sleep well. Ps- I really need to know if you're alright, please let me know, - Logan

Roman clicked off the messages and watched some tv until it was a decent time. He then called Patton, "Hey, Pat...Yeah, I'm not doing too great...I don't know, I haven't spoken to him...I need you to come and help me for a bit... I'm fine, I just...don't really trust myself right now...You will? That's great, see you later Patton." Patton and Virgil were going to come over and watch movies with him tomorrow, he hoped it would work as a good distraction.

Logan felt terrible, like he'd just made the worst mistake. He had just been trying to help, but he was pretty sure now he'd just made it worse. He'd attempted to contact Roman several times but got no answer. He wondered if he should go over to Roman's place, he didn't like the idea of Roman being alone at this time. He didn't have Patton's phone number so he couldn't contact him to ask if they’d had any news from Roman and he wasn’t keen on the idea of texting Virgil. He doubted that they would answer him anyway, this was his fault after all. He sat on the couch in his living room tapping his cell phone against his knee, wondering if he should try calling Roman again. Instead, he used the little courage he had left and dialed his mother's number. He already felt so low, whatever they told him probably couldn't make him feel worse. He pressed the call button and waited to see if someone would pick up.

…….

Patton and Virgil came over on Sunday, they were there all day comforting Roman and listening to him babble nonsensically. He was just so happy that they were there. Virgil helped to keep him focused enough to clear his head on what had actually happened without his own mess of thoughts eating away at him. Patton helped him stay healthy, getting a good amount of sleep, eating the right food and drinking lots of water to replace what he was losing. Since Virgil and Patton were their own bosses at the café and trusted each other and their employees to manage with either of them absent, they were going to take it in turns staying with Roman during the next little while. He'd tried to protest but he couldn't bring himself to, he knew they were right. If they left him right now, he'd go right back to square one. Monday was quiet. Virgil made sure he ate and drank a good amount of water, but otherwise, they really didn't do much. Roman was too tired to even binge a tv show and he wasn't allowed to sleep otherwise he'd completely fuck up his sleep schedule. He knew he needed to do something, his mind was killing him. That night he went to bed early and woke up at six am to find Patton talking to Virgil before he was supposed to go to work. "I know you'll be alright, you're great at managing. But if you need anything at all, call, Ro and I will come and meet you. It will do him good to take a walk. After all, he has to go back to work on Thursday." After that and a few fleeting goodbyes, Virgil left.

Roman lay there and his stomach churned, his body felt like it was on fire. He'd had that with Logan, then he fucked it up. He hadn't even realised he'd started crying again. It wasn't until that evening that he finally told both of them why he was so upset. They both decided to help Roman text Logan. He'd requested they type for him, his hands would shake whenever he picked up the phone.

Hey, Logan, this is Patton and Virgil. Roman would like to see you at some point, but sooner would probably be better than later. He's here tomorrow if you want to come and see him after work. There's also a message from Roman. He says he's sorry and if you're not interested in him anymore, he completely understands.

It took a lot of convincing to get Virgil to type out the last bit, but Roman was insistent. They just hoped Logan wouldn't reject him, for the sake of Roman's mental state. They didn't want to see him fall apart over a guy all over again.

….............

"Logan, honey hi! I'm... I'm so glad you called me back." "Hi, mom." Logan's mouth felt dry and he swallowed hard. He realized at that moment just how much he had missed her. "Is everything okay?" he asked, bracing himself. "Well, everything is now, it's so good to hear from you again. But yes, I did contact you for a reason... Your father, he had a bad fall the other day and broke his leg. Nothing too serious, but enough that he's out of commission for the next six weeks at least..." "Okay, but like, he's okay, you're okay right?" "Well yes..." Logan could hear the hesitation in her voice. "What is it?" "Well see um... I was wondering if we could ask for your help. Your father was redoing the deck outside when he had his accident. Now it's there half-finished." "Can't you guys hire someone to fix it?" Logan responded rather dryly. He felt like he was being used, something he was all too familiar with. "Well yes but... you know your father, doesn't trust anyone to do anything he can do himself. Except now he can't very well finish it on his own." "I still don't see how this concerns me." Logan knew very well what she meant but he didn't feel like helping, didn't feel like giving his father any more reasons to criticize everything he did.

"Well see, I, no you know what James you're going to do the talking now. This is on you and you're going to make this right." Logan could hear what sounded like the phone being transferred from one person to the next. He could hear his parent's bickering, his father stalling, his mother insisting. Finally, the voice of his father came on the line. "Son... Logan, I..." he cleared his throat, "See um, after all this, I...I've come to realize that, despite everything, the only person I'd trust with this job... is you."

Logan was in shock, he wasn't sure he'd heard correctly. His father went on to explain that he knew he'd said and done things he wasn't proud of. He apologized, in his own way, for not being as understanding as he should have been. They left off the conversation with Logan agreeing to meet them the next day on Sunday. When he saw them the following day, they had what could only be described as the beginning of a reconciliation. It wasn't perfect, but it was a start. They talked as Logan worked, asking him about his job and if he was dating. Logan decided to be honest with them and they seemed sincerely happy that he had found Roman, even if things weren't the best at the moment. "You really should go see him," his mother insisted. "I want to, I just don't know if he wants me to..." "Son," his father replied, looking at him seriously, "If.. if he means this much to you.. you can't let him go..." Logan was deeply touched by this. He left that day with a renewed sense of wanting to see Roman. However, the next few days Roman wasn't at work, and the captain had found him plenty of work to do. He had noticed that Logan was very good at assessing crime scenes, so he sent him on the scene first hand whenever they got a new call. This kept him particularly busy all of Monday and Tuesday. At the end of the day on Tuesday he saw the message from Roman. His heart fluttered at reading it, while at the same time he was troubled by the last sentence. He didn't want to wait until tomorrow to see Roman, he had to see him now. He called a cab, picked up his things and headed to see Roman.

….........................

Virgil looked at Roman's phone sitting on the table. He'd heard nothing from Logan and it was quite depressing really. Roman himself had fallen asleep now Virgil and Patton often went to check on him to make sure he didn't have any more nightmares. Neither Patton nor Virgil had realised quite how bad he’d been doing. They were surprised Roman had gone this long without some kind of help from them. Once he was feeling better they planned to get him some help. It didn't matter how much Roman loved his job, it would not be at the cost of his own mental health, not on their watch.

"What if Logan doesn't want to fix things? If he leaves Roman, he'll be crushed... Last time, he was in love, but he always said that it felt off, imperfect. With Logan, he could gush about that boy for hours, really cares about him, Pat," Virgil sighed. Patton smiled sadly, "Roman is a special guy, Logan knows that. I'm sure it will be fine, but if it isn't, we are going to be there for him. A random therapist downplaying his problems like last time is also going to be the opposite of helpful. We'll find a good one, one that suits him. He can recover, let's just hope it won't come to that."

Virgil curled into Patton, sighing, "He looks so sad Pat. He's asleep right now and he still looks so sad." Patton held him close, "I know, it's the worst thing in the world when you have to watch someone you love be so distraught and you can't do anything about it. We'll get through this love, all of us. " He sighed, turning on the TV and keeping the volume low so as to not wake up Roman. It was a much-needed distraction from reality, they were happy to just ignore their problems for a little while. …..

Logan stood in front of Roman's door. He was stuck between wanting to barge in and running away. He didn't even know if he would get an answer. Finally, he steeled himself and knocked. He waited for a minute, growing increasingly worried that he'd made the wrong decision. Just as he was about to give up and leave, the door finally opened to show Patton. His face lit up to see Logan standing there. "Come in, come in," he spoke quietly as he ushered Logan quietly into the living room. Virgil was sitting on the couch, watching what appeared to be some sort of reality tv show. He smiled when he saw Logan. "Roman is sleeping right now," Patton whispered to him, "He's in his room, you can go in if you want."

Logan nodded and left them to their show. He went upstairs and gently pushed the door to Roman's room open. He found him there, still sleeping, though obviously not well. The sheets were all over the place, as though Roman had been thrashing earlier. He seemed slightly calmer now, but his face still showed tension. Logan took the time to fix the sheets and cover Roman back up. He then carefully got into the bed next to Roman, facing him. He watched Roman sleep for a few moments, his breathing deep but tired. Logan slowly brought his hand to Roman’s face and gently caressed his cheek and hair. Roman seemed to calm slightly at his touch. He leaned in to press a kiss on Roman’s forehead, then resumed softly brushing his face.

Roman's dreams were full of the darker parts of his subconscious that night. It felt like his own demons were ripping apart his life, finally getting payback after being repressed for years. Usually, he would just stay awake, not wanting to face the nightmares that awaited on the back of his eyelids. But with Patton and Virgil watching him, he was on a schedule. If he was honest, he felt completely useless, his life felt empty of structure. He hadn't been to work, Logan was gone when he was only just getting used to being loved again and on top of all that his head was attacking him inside out with raging imagery that came out at night like a true monster.

He wanted Logan, he wanted Logan so much, but he'd blown it. He'd been stupid and fucked up. He'd done all the things he'd been told made Logan uncomfortable, and this was the karma for his selfishness. He was just in the middle of an amazing dream about the people he cared most for telling him he was ‘a useless piece of shit’ and many other wonderful and eloquent things, when he felt something. He assumed it was Patton and leaned into the comforting touch. From there, he was slowly able to pull himself back to reality. He didn't open his eyes, but curled further into the warmth of the person next to him. "Thank you, Patton," he mumbled lazily into Logan's shoulder, "That one was really bad.."

Logan had watched the changes in Roman's facial expressions. He could tell that he was calming down, slowly exiting whatever nightmare he was currently having. When he heard Roman speak, his heart broke a little bit. Roman thought he was Patton, he hadn't realized it was him. Logan didn't know if he should feel hurt or not. Then again, he hadn't exactly been there for Roman in the past few days, Patton had. Logan suddenly felt terrible. He felt like he was to blame for Roman being in such a bad state. He brought Roman closer to him and rubbed his back. "Hey..." Logan whispered softly. “It’s gonna be okay.”

Roman brought himself closer to who he thought was Patton and sighed tiredly. When they spoke to him, the words were comforting, but something wasn't right. That was definitely not Patton nor Virgil. He shot up, his mind too foggy to process anything until he saw that it was Logan sitting there, watching him with a careful, concerned expression.

All Roman could manage to get himself to say was a just audible whisper of, "You came back." Afterwards, he realised how weird he sounded and quickly tried to recover from it. "I mean, you came, because I asked you to, thank you, Logan." It came out a lot more strangled and pained than it was in his head, and definitely didn't soothe Logan's worry. "Sorry, sorry, I'm being weird. It's..." He swallowed down his nerves, his voice getting stuck in his throat, "It's nice to see you, Logan." At the moment he gave up on trying to talk like a normal human. It felt like all his social functions had shut down and he just sighed, closing his eyes and wondering how it was possible to prolong the inevitable rejection.

"Of course I came back." Logan had been taken aback by Roman suddenly sitting up. He could see that Roman was still half asleep, but his message was clear and left him puzzled. "Of course I did, why wouldn’t I?” Logan replied carefully, “I just wish I'd come to see you sooner." Cautiously, he inched closer to Roman. "I... I wanted to come... but you never answered back. I thought... I thought that you were mad at me. I was afraid that by coming, I'd only make things worse," Logan's voice trailed off.

Roman looked at him, surprised. Logan searched Roman’s eyes for any sign that he might hold any resentment against him and was surprised to find none. "I.. I hope you can forgive me for going to the captain and having you taken off the case. I only did what I thought was best..." Logan could feel tears stinging his eyes.

"No, no, Logan, I'm not mad at you, not even a little bit." Roman took a breath and tried to compose himself. He met Logan's eye and then after a few failed attempts at trying to speak simply said, "I...I didn't break my promise."

At these words, Logan could feel a tear slip down his cheek. He wrapped his arms around Roman tightly, trying to communicate all he felt through this desperate embrace. They were both crying at this point, each releasing the fear and anguish they had had in regards to the other. At last, they parted ever so slightly, both completely exhausted from trying to hold it together.

"I'm sorry, Logan, I'm so sorry... I know it's not like you... I know that. I was just so scared...so scared that I was going to be alone again… Scared that you would..." Roman trailed off, holding Logan tightly as if he was sure that if he let go Logan would be gone again. "I know it's stupid and irrational, I know it is, I just....I'm sorry."

Logan peeled himself away to look Roman straight in the eyes. "Enough with that word. I don't want you to feel sorry, you have nothing to apologise for. And for whatever you think you need to apologise, I forgive you okay? I forgive you." He hated to see how much self-hatred emanated from Roman. It brought Logan back to a time in his life where he had been in a similar mindset, and it had almost killed him back then. "I promise you I'm not going anywhere. I mean that figuratively and literally."

Roman sat there for a moment, looking at Logan with all the hope he had left, his breathing had stayed hitched and unsteady. He looked like his world was on fire and Logan was the only few drops of water left. "Thank you, I really need you, Lo. If I hurt you, then I didn't mean to. I only wanted you to have the best... I...I didn't think I was enough..."

"Hey, listen to me." Logan was dead serious now. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, you hear me?" He thought it might be irrational, but with the person Roman was, maybe it was time to act on impulse. "I mean it, Roman. I've never meant anything more in my entire life."

Roman buried his face in Logan's shoulder. "I missed you so much. It just shocked me I guess, I kept myself going by not thinking about things and keeping myself busy with routine. I broke the routine for a few days and everything else came crashing down with it. I hate it, Lo, I feel so fragile and I hate it so much." He almost broke down again on those last few words. "But I did keep my promise. I called Pat because I didn't feel safe, I asked for help, and that was all I did for the last four days."

"And I'm so proud of you for that.” Logan could tell that Roman hadn't shaved in the past few days. He could feel the stubble brush against his neck and shoulder, but he didn't really mind. He just kept holding Roman tight against him, not daring to be the first to let go. “For the past few days I've been worrying myself sick that you were all alone. When I saw in your message that Patton and Virgil were with you, I had hope that it wasn't too late. That I wasn't too late."

Roman pulled back a little, just enough to meet Logan's eyes. He hesitantly put one of his slightly shaking hands on Logan's cheek. "Too late?...Lo, what did you think...?" he trailed off, not wanting to finish his train of thought. "You didn't...You didn't think…?" He stopped again, breaking the eye contact and roughly biting down on his lip. It looked painful, but he seemed relatively unfazed.

"I honestly didn't know what to think... The last I saw of you was you sitting in a chair, a hollow shell that could barely hear me. I'd just witnessed you have some form of a massive meltdown. I really dreaded the worst..." It was the first time Logan was even admitting this to himself. He had been terrified that Roman would do the unthinkable. The feel of Roman's hand on his cheek brought on a new wave of tears down his face.

Roman gently wiped the tears away from Logan's face with his thumbs. "It's okay, Lo, I was upset, but you can't get rid of me that easily. It takes a lot more than that to drag me down." Roman pressed his forehead to Logan's and whispered for only Logan to hear, "I would never leave you, not for anything." He then gently pressed his lips to Logan's and it truly showed everything Roman was feeling, it was as if he'd just given Logan the key to his soul.

Logan felt all his doubts, all his worries, melt away as he kissed Roman back. He laced his fingers through Roman's as they kissed with more intensity. Right then and there it felt like it was only the two of them in the entire universe.

Roman gently pulled away, breathless and smiling. Logan had a few more tears that had collected on his face and Roman softly kissed each of them away, not wanting to brush over the red, irritated skin with his hand. He then leaned his forehead against Logan's shoulder. "Do you want to go downstairs and get some water?" Roman asked, quietly, "I'm not sure when I last drank something. Patton tried to get me earlier, but I didn't and now I kind of regret it."

"Yeah, that would be a good idea." Logan felt rather parched himself, and he knew that it definitely wouldn't hurt Roman to stay well hydrated. He passed his hands over his face, attempting to remove the last of the tears, although he doubted it would really make any difference with the redness and puffiness that most likely occupied his face. They both sat in silence for a minute before getting up and slowly making their way to the kitchen.

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 13

Summary : Roman finally cracks and breaks down at the heavy case the two of them are handling and Logan puts his foot down.

Previous chapter Next Chapter From the beginning Read on ao3

Chapter 13 - Nothing breaks like a heart

The next morning Roman walked downstairs with a bounce in his step and found he had three messages, two from Logan and one from Patton. The message from Patton said something about wanting to throw a party at the café and asking if Roman and Logan would like to come. Roman replied that he'd like to come and that he'd ask Logan. He decided to just call him as he dialed the number and pressed call.

Logan could tell that he hadn't slept a full night. He didn't really mind though, he found himself humming as he prepared for the day. Even the eventual prospect of calling his mother back barely darkened his mood. He was just locking up on his way to work when his phone rang. He saw that it was Roman and answered with a cheery voice. "Morning Roman."

Roman felt his mood lift at just hearing Logan's voice, "Morning, Hun, how'd you sleep?"

"Like a baby.” Logan replied, “I pretty much fell into my bed and didn't wake up until my alarm rang. How about you?"

"Pretty good actually, which is nice considering that I don't sleep great usually. No nightmares either!" He exclaimed happily. He was really surprised that his head had been vacant of nightmares last night, it gave him hope for his sleep routine.

"I'm really glad to hear that. Was there any particular reason you called me?" Logan's rational side was taking over again. He figured it must be the case or Roman would have waited until they got to work to talk.

"Uhh...Yeah, Patton wanted to know if you'd like to come to his party at the café. I'll be there, but I'm not sure what it's for, but well...it's Patton so, at a guess, it's probably a fundraiser or charity event of some kind." Roman couldn't think of many things that sounded cooler, hanging out with his favourite people all at once. He's just hoping it will be less awkward now that he and Logan are actually dating.

"Oh.. a party... umm..." Logan chewed the inside of his cheek nervously. "I uh... I don't know... do you.. do you mind if I think about it?" He felt really bad not accepting right away, but if there was anything that Logan hated it was parties. Sure Roman would be there this time, but he was literally the only person Logan could expect to know, aside from Patton and Virgil whom he really didn't really know at this point. He also didn't want to hold Roman back from enjoying the party by clinging to him all night.

"Ahh, right, are you not the party type?" Roman asked, the last thing he wanted was to overwhelm Logan. Of course, he wanted him to come to the party with him, but if it was at the expense of his comfort, then he would understand if Logan wanted to miss it.

"That's an understatement," Logan answered rather cynically. "I mean it depends on the type of party, but usually they just end up being too much. And I wouldn't want you to hold you back from enjoying yourself just because I can't deal with it. Especially since you do seem to be the party type."

"Sometimes, yes, but this is one of Patton's parties. It will mostly be moms drinking excessive amounts of tea and their kids. There'll definitely be teenagers there, but they stay out of the way and hang out on their own while they have the chance. We're talking like twenty-something people in a pretty large coffee shop." Roman loved Patton's parties and had no problem whatsoever gushing about them, or anything about his brother for that matter. He was just such a big part of Roman's life, it was difficult not to be proud of him.

"I guess that doesn't sound too bad.." Logan's voice trailed off. "I guess I could give it a shot." He wanted to make an effort for Roman. After all he'd been so understanding and respectful of Logan up to date, he wanted to make it up to him and show that he was serious about this relationship.

At hearing that a wide smile spread across Roman's face and he practically jumped in the air, filled with newfound excitement. "You will?! That's awesome, Lo!"

Logan smiled at hearing the excitement in Roman's voice. It almost eased his anxiety at the thought of going to the party. "I'm about to head into the subway so I'll talk to you when we get to work."

"Okay! See you later hun!" Roman hung up and climbed into his car, still bouncing with excitement and he sighed dreamily. The drive to work was peaceful and Roman managed to calm himself down a little, but he was in such a good mood. He honestly didn't think much could spoil it. He bounced into the office, giving the captain a little salute and watching as the captain raised an eyebrow and chuckled to himself. He then bounded into the office and sat down at his desk, patiently waiting for Logan to come in.

Logan arrived shortly after and as he entered the building he couldn't help but notice the captain looking at him with a half-smile. He entered his office and Roman practically jumped up to greet him. Logan felt his heart leap at the sight of this man that brought him such joy. "So what have we got planned for today?"

"Well, we're questioning that kid, then we have to go down to the school and ask a few teachers about her last behaviours or habits before she disappeared. Right now, with so many leads, anything is helpful that could potentially narrow things down." Roman watched Logan take in the information with a nod as he made his way over to his desk.

"It seems like we might be able to figure out what happened once and for all." Logan could see in Roman's face that he was happy things were moving along for the case. They went over the different questions for the boy coming in as well as those for the school members they would question later. Not long after this Garren arrived to speak with them.

As they stood outside the questioning room Roman paused and bit his lip, seemingly trying to psyche himself up so he could go in. Come on, Roman, it's not that big of a deal, just get it over with. But no matter how hard he tried to push himself, he couldn't move. Weakness, you're weak, Roman. Stop being a disgusting, weak, idiot. The thoughts roared in his ears and he felt sick at the harsh words.

Logan noticed that Roman stopped right before going into the interrogation room. He put himself in Roman's line of sight and hoped to catch his gaze, which betrayed his inner dialogue. Logan cocked his eyebrow at Roman once he finally realized he was right in front of him. "I don't know what's going through your head, but I can tell it's not good," he whispered. "You've got this, I'm rooting for you." Logan gave him an attempted wink and watched as Roman took a deep breath and finally entered.

Roman sat opposite Garren and stared him down for a second. He had a small build and long hair that was tied back in a ponytail, a few strands fell across his face. His eyes were piercing amber and his bone structure was sharp, but otherwise, healthy. "Can you tell me exactly what happened the last time you spoke to Sophia Turrex?" The boy then began to speak with a slight accent, "I don't know where she went, the last I saw her was the Friday before she went missing. We went into the park and listened to music together, it was just the usual way we hung out, nothing was different...I just can't believe she's gone..." Roman looked away, his eye twitching, this guy was the biggest liar he'd ever seen that was this bad at it. "Right, okay, when was the last time you contacted or tried to contact her?" Roman watched as, for the whole interview, he lied. Roman then started to change it up a bit, he got a few truthful answers out of him. As soon as he had got what he wanted from the scumbag, he coolly walked away from the confession room. Once he was out of sight he rushed out of the building, hiding around the area where his co-workers usually smoked. He slid down the wall and broke down in tears.

Logan was far from being the best at reading non-verbal cues, but even he could tell that Garren was lying. He could also tell that Roman was slowly losing his cool as the interrogation went on. He remained professional, of course, but Logan could tell that inside he was seething. The moment it was over Logan walked out to join Roman, only to discover that he'd disappeared. He had a sinking feeling as he headed back to his office and saw that Roman wasn't there. Just then the captain subtly passed by the door, looking at a file. "You might want to take a break, outside, in the smoking area," he said, never raising his eyes from the papers in his hands. Logan was puzzled a few seconds until he got what the captain meant. He rushed past him with a whispered, "Thank you." Outside he found Roman, practically rolled into a fetal position, his body heaving with sobs. "Hey, hey it's okay, I'm here, I've got you," he spoke gently as he did his best to cradle Roman in his arms.

Roman's head was swarming, it felt as if thousands of tiny bees were buzzing around his brain, each one of them disclosing their own cruel opinion of Roman's failure. "I'm sorry, I should be better than this. Weak, stupid, Roman is so naïve that he can't even handle a simple interrogation," he mumbled, his arms tightly holding his legs to his chest. He didn't even look like he'd noticed that Logan was there.

Logan was getting increasingly worried. He had absolutely no clue what to do. Roman was muttering to himself like a madman. Logan could barely make out what he was saying but the parts he did hear made his blood run cold. He knew he had to do something so Roman would snap out of it. He was running out of options and out of time. Suddenly Logan did the only thing he could think of at that moment. He took Roman's face between his hands and kissed him with force.

Roman had felt so caught up in his own storm. His sailboat was about to go under, the waves crashing into him with the force of a thousand fists. He could only tell that there was someone there, were they talking to him? Roman was just trying to focus on the voice, but it was so goddamn difficult. Why was it so hard to just come back to the present? He felt himself getting worse and worse, his chest heaving and then he felt something.

Soft lips pressed up against his own, roughly bringing him back to the present. He focused on it, reaching out and pulling them closer. This had to be Logan, it smelled like Logan and that was the fabric of Logan's coat, it was Logan! He pulled him closer and whined lightly, it was his way of telling Logan he was coming back down from whatever hell he'd gotten himself into.

Logan pulled away from Roman to look at his face. He no longer had that far away glazed look in his eyes and it reassured Logan greatly. He gently stroked Roman's face with his thumb. "Glad to see you're back, thought I'd lost you for a moment." Logan quickly kissed Roman a few more times, wanting to bring him back completely. "You really had me scared there..."

Roman leaned into Logan's touch, a stray tear still falling down his cheeks every few seconds. He opened his mouth a few times to try and talk but simply closed it again, being too overwhelmed to actually say anything. His eyes showed panic at the fact that he couldn't find his voice and he swallowed harshly, taking in another shaky breath.

"Hey it's okay, do you think you can stand up?" Roman gave him a small nod and he helped him shakily to his feet. Roman was clearly still in shock and Logan started seriously considering asking the captain to pull them off this case. No matter how much Roman wanted this case to be solved he was far too emotionally involved and much too vulnerable for this to be safe anymore. "Okay, this is where this stops... I know this case means a lot to you... but you mean too much to me to let you keep going like this."

Roman wanted to protest, but he still found himself too choked up to speak. Logan led him inside and sat him down in his office chair. He slowly took sips from his water bottle, trying to bring himself back down so he could speak. Logan was at his desk glancing over to Roman all the time. He was still shaking and he felt so fragile, it was awful. Feeling fragile was something Roman wasn't and didn't like nor want to get used to.

Logan had trouble believing that the person that yesterday had seemed so strong, like nothing in the world could bring down, was now sitting in front of him, shaking like a leaf and looking like a terrified child.

Once he was sure that Roman was okay he excused himself for a moment. He then crossed the main office to where the captain was finishing a phone call. Logan felt like he was betraying Roman, but he also knew he had to do something. "Hi um, may I have a word with you." The captain kindly invited him in and heard him out. Logan didn't go too much into detail, for Roman's sake, but said enough to show that he was truly worried.

The captain nodded and sighed, "I had a bad feeling that this would happen when I agreed to let Roman take this case. He just gets so emotionally invested I had the feeling it was eventually going to catch up to him. I guess I was hoping that with you around it might help to balance him out. I see now that that was likely too tall of an order to expect of anyone." Logan thanked him and returned to his office. He found Roman in exactly the same position he'd left him.

The tears may have stopped, but the thoughts that haunted Roman's head still floated around his brain, making him feel incredibly numb and useless. He had seen Logan walk out and he knew that he was going to see the captain. What else would he be going in the direction of his office for? He didn't move, he didn't try to stop him, he just sat there, numbly waiting for Logan to come back. He knew he was going to be taken off the case, all because he was weak and useless. Unlike their murder cases there was still a chance that she was still alive, and part of him had refused to rest until she was found. It wasn't that he didn't trust Logan to work on it, it was more that he wanted to help Sophia's family get closure. He couldn't do that if he wasn't allowed to work on the case. Logan walked in, glancing over at him and then frowning.

The empty shell of a man sitting in front of him helped to make Logan feel a little less bad for what he’d just done. He suspected that Roman knew what he had left for. He wondered if maybe he'd gone too far, crossed some line. He didn't want Roman to hate him, but he also couldn't just stand by and do nothing. He spoke, even though he had doubts about whether or not Roman could hear him.

"Look I know how much this case means to you, I know how you feel it's your duty to find answers here. I hope you can forgive me for this, but I did what I think is right in the end." He paused a second, swallowing before he continued, "I know I can't stop you from trying to see this through, but I'm telling you right now that you won't have my support if you do, not this way. I... I can't stand by and watch you do this to yourself.”

Roman made no sign that he heard anything that had just been said. Logan nodded sadly, tears in his eyes. He picked up his things and left the office. There was still the meeting at the school scheduled later that day. Logan could go on his own to get the information. After that, the case could be passed on to someone else.

Logan left and Roman still didn't move, he just couldn't make himself find any reason to. The captain came in and told him he was dismissed from the case, he was also strongly advised to take Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off. Roman nodded in response, and then he used the rest of his energy to get in his car and drive home.

Once he got there, he collapsed on the couch and just cried. He didn't know how long he was there, just numbly staring and crying. He only stopped, momentarily, when he heard the familiar ding of a notification, it was from Logan. 'Hey, Ro, the captain told me about your break, I hope you're doing okay,' Roman just put the phone down, leaving Logan on read as he burst into a fresh set of tears, his cheeks sore from wiping away at them. It hurt so much, but it was so much worse this time because Roman knew it was all his fault.

*** Tag list (let us know if you would like to be added or removed): @crossiantgay

#logince #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #thomas sanders #fanfic #fanfiction #logan sanders #roman sanders #cop au #fluff #long reads #multiple chapters #ao3 #tell me to stay #chapter 13

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 12

Summary : Roman and Logan have their first date together

Previous chapter Next chapter From the beginning Read on ao3

Chapter 12 - First date

Logan felt like a jittery teenager as he ran around looking for his phone, wallet and keys. He grabbed them and put on his jacket, then tried to smooth himself out. He took a final deep breath and opened the door. Roman was waiting for him with an umbrella in his hand, his other arm he offered to Logan.

Roman smiled at Logan who was practically buzzing, it was the most energetic Roman had seen him and he couldn't say he didn't like it. "You look lovely, dear."

"I'm feeling quite lovely." They made their way to the car, Roman opening the door for Logan to make sure he didn't get rained on. Roman then made his way to the driver's side.

Roman got in the car and put the umbrella in the backseat, as he had before. He looked over and Logan was looking at him with the most adorable look. His eyes were wide with innocence and his body free of any distress or tension, it was so nice to see. "How are you, Lo?" He started the car and started making his way back home carefully on the wet roads.

"Well if I'm being perfectly honest... a little nervous." Logan looked down at his hands shyly. "This is my first date after all." He felt a little silly saying this.

Roman looked over, giving Logan a reassuring smile, "Awe, that's okay, Lo. I don't expect you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. Just let me know if anything gets too much, okay? I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me."

"It's okay... I trust you.." Logan really truly could feel that Roman respected him. He made it so easy to not be afraid. "I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm glad one of us knows what we're doing."

"Good, I'll make sure you're comfortable, Lo." Roman drove the car down the quieter neighbourhoods with Logan's hand in his. Logan had started quietly tracing patterns over Roman's hand, intertwining his own fingers with Roman's. It seemed to calm him immensely so Roman had no problem with it. He carefully parked and then looked to Logan, "We're here, Sweetheart."

Logan flushed bright pink at this but still managed a grin. "Lead the way, sir." And Roman did just that. He took Logan by the hand and led him to the door. Logan noticed that the side of his place was lined with lovely flowers and shrubs. "I wouldn't have pegged you for having a green thumb."

"Oh, I actually really like gardening, it's relaxing." Roman smiled, "Come on you, it's cold." He got the door open and briskly rushed inside, hurrying Logan in after him. The smell of cooking immediately hit their noses and Roman leaned down to take his shoes off, pulling off his jacket.

"He gardens, he cooks, he fights crime, is there anything he can't do?" Logan said teasingly as he took off his own jacket and shoes. Whatever Roman had made smelled delightful and Logan didn't have to be asked twice before entering the kitchen.

Roman rushed into the kitchen past Logan, smiling excitedly. "Okay, now, we have..." He checked a timer on the oven. "Half an hour before the food has finished cooking. You want to just talk for a bit?" He looked up in thought for a second, "Orrrr, we could make cookies?" He beamed, bouncing around the kitchen. He turned to Logan, opening a cabinet full of glasses, "Would you like a drink?"

"Hoo boy, too many questions at once." Logan laughed in a way that showed he didn't reproach this to Roman. "Okay, 1. yes talking is good 2. cookies are also good and 3. a simple glass of water will do." He smiled at the way Roman flew around the kitchen. It was such a happy carefree energy.

"Great, I agree, water is great." Roman pulled a few glasses from the cabinet and filled one, handing it to Logan, then filled his own with orange juice. "I'm sorry, please let me know if I'm being too much. I'm very excited, I haven't done this in a while, and I forgot how fun it was!" He exclaimed happily, clapping his hands together lightly, no audible sound actually emanating from the action.

"Please, you have nothing to apologize for. I'd never want you to be sorry for being this happy," Logan spoke gently but seriously. He knew all too well what it was like to get your enthusiasm shut down. Roman grinned at him and started taking out the ingredients for the cookies.

He paused at another cupboard and frowned slightly, pursing his lips in thought. "Hmm, Lo, what kind of cookies do you like?" He said, standing on his toes and curiously looking around the cupboard, quietly mumbling to himself about ingredients.

"I'm good with whatever really. I've never made cookies from scratch so this is fun." He helped Roman set out the ingredients and the bowls, containers and spoons for prepping. Logan found he really enjoyed baking. It was a science really, the measurements had to be just right to get the intended effect.

The whole time they were baking Roman had a hard time focusing on anything else, Logan looked so sweet. He was deeply focused when measuring out the ingredients, and the chat between them flowed well as there just seemed to be a wonderful mix of their energies. Roman hadn't felt this light in a long time, it was really lovely. In the end, Roman had decided to make pistachios and cranberry thumbprint cookies, he knew they smelled great in the oven and they tasted amazing too. He was also showing off a little bit about his ability to mix tastes and flavours, he really did like baking. They were done on time, Roman was never amazing at time management so this was a pleasant and welcome surprise. "Logan, Hun, the food is ready," he called into the next room, sliding the cookie tray into the oven as he plated up the food.

They both seated themselves at the dinner table. "This looks amazing Ro, you've outdone yourself." They both dug into the meal. Logan couldn't remember the last time he'd had such a good home-cooked dinner. Their conversation flowed easily, as they talked and got to learn more about each other. Logan could feel himself falling more and more for Roman by the second.

Roman was loving this, spending time with Logan was so fun, but he'd been meaning to ask Logan something for a little while now. "Oh, right, I meant to ask, you know how you mentioned your mother wanting to contact you?" He asked his expression open and encouraging.

"Oh um yeah... what about it?" Logan answered, slightly defensive. He was still on the fence about whether he wanted to call her or not. He didn't exactly feel like talking about that at the moment. They were having such a nice time after all.

"I'm sorry for bringing this up now, Hun, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just wanted to say that I'm here for you. And if you need someone else there when, or if, you call her, I'm happy to be there for you." Roman smiled softly, taking Logan's hand gently in his.

"Thank you," Logan squeezed Roman's hand appreciatively. He let out a deep sigh, "I still haven't decided whether to call her or not... I mean I know I should, but at the same time, I'm afraid too. I get the feeling that I'm about to get bad news or something..." He leaned his head on the other hand, suddenly feeling tired.

Roman brushed his hand through Logan's hair, gently stroking it. Logan shifted, leaning his head on Roman's shoulder as he continued to play with the strands. "I hate to say it, hun, but it might be important. How often do they try to contact you without notice, just out of the blue?"

"Never actually... but that doesn't make me want to call her more..." Logan nestled closer into Roman's neck. "I'll try to call her back I promise... Could we just talk about something else now?" He rested his arm on Roman's thigh, drawing circles on his kneecap.

"Alright, you have my number, you can just let me know if you need me." Roman smiled, Logan was so adorable and he didn't even know it. "So, what kind of things do you do for fun?"

Logan appreciated Roman not pushing the subject, he really was a true gentleman."I read a lot. I love all kinds of literature, but I have a preference for science fiction. I play DnD with some people from the comic book store about once a month. What about you?"

"Well, you know about my gardening and cooking, I do that a lot. But I also volunteer to walk and socialise the animals at the shelter. I also do some volunteer work at the nursery. The parents like me so I babysit sometimes." He flushed slightly, "What can I say? I guess I just...like looking after people."

"That I've noticed," Logan chuckled. The timer for the cookies went off at this moment. Logan reluctantly peeled himself off Roman to let him go check the oven. He watched as he walked into the kitchen and admired Roman's back. He had a really nice build, tall but sturdy, without being beefy either though. He walked with confidence and elegance, head held up high.

Roman pulled the cookies out of the oven, leaving the tray on the counter. He began to carefully put them onto a cooling rack. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Logan staring at him through tired eyes, a hazy smile on his face. "Caught you staring," he smirked, a teasing smile on his face as he continued transferring the cookies.

"Guilty as charged," Logan laughed, putting his hands up in mock submission. "I can't help myself, you're very nice too look at you know." He stood up and strode to the kitchen, leaning against the wall while he watched Roman finish up.

"If you say so, sweetie," Roman walked over and wrapped Logan into a hug, "But I think you're nice to look at too." He smiled, kissing his cheek and burying his face in Logan's neck, his soft hair tickling Logan's face.

"You also smell really nice," Logan mumbled through Roman's hair. They pulled apart slightly and simply stared at each other for what seemed like forever. Logan lightly bit his bottom lip.

"Logan, can I kiss you?" Roman asked gently, searching his intelligent eyes for any discomfort or anxiety. If he found any he would give Logan a subtle out, but it did seem like an appropriate moment.

"Yes," Logan let out in a breathy voice, "I... I'd like that." Roman cupped his face and brought their lips together gently. Logan could feel the warmth spreading through his body.

Roman pulled back and gently stroked Logan's cheek. "How was that? You still okay?" His voice was gentle, he didn't want to overwhelm Logan with a lot of noise when he seemed a little emotionally overstimulated already.

Logan couldn't seem to bring himself to speak. He simply nodded and pressed his forehead against Roman's. "Thank you," he finally managed to whisper.

"No," Roman said, gently grasping Logan's chin to get him to meet his eye, "Thank you." He watched as Logan smiled, his face twisted with emotion. Roman kissed him again, not as long, just a peck, but it held the same emotion as he watched Logan carefully for any kind of discomfort in this vulnerable state.

"You know, you don't have to look at me as though I'm about to break,” Logan commented, “I'm really good, this is really good." As much as Logan appreciated Roman taking his time and not rushing him, he felt that it lacked Roman's signature spontaneity. He already felt safe, he didn't need to feel coddled.

"Alright, but let me know if it gets too much, sweetheart." Roman picked Logan up, taking him over to the couch and kissing him again, a little less carefully, with far more passion. "I think you may have mistaken my intention.” He intertwined his fingers with Logan's, whispering across his lips. “I was looking at you as if you were something precious to me, so I wanted to be careful, my little diamond. You mean a lot to me, Lo," he mumbled, kissing him again, with the same amount of loving gusto.

Logan could barely hear Roman at this point. He felt breathless and a little dizzy, but he couldn't have cared less. He responded to Roman's touch like a parched man in the desert finding an oasis. It awakened in him something he never imagined he would experience.

Roman pressed a few kisses to Logan's jawline, taking in his expression with a gentle smile. It saddened him to think that this reaction was warranted because Logan must be really touch starved. Not that he would mind if Logan became a more affectionate person once he was more comfortable in their relationship and had gotten a little more used to this kind of dynamic. But for now, this was great.

Logan was melting with all these new sensations as Roman covered his face and neck with kisses. His sweater had started riding up and he felt Roman's hand on the exposed skin of his stomach. He then suddenly and unwillingly jerked with a half-yell, half-laugh. He recovered to a very worried look on Roman's face. "Ro... I'm okay, it's okay." He had trouble keeping himself from laughing at the bewildered look on Roman’s face. "I'm so sorry about that. You didn't hurt me, honest. I just happen to be hypersensitive which makes me very ticklish. That's all that was, I promise."

"You're ticklish!? That's so sweet!" Roman exclaimed, kissing him again, "Is there anything about you that isn't perfect?" Roman grinned lovingly at him for a second before he stopped, a thought popping into his head. He smiled devilishly, before he ran his fingers gently over Logan's sides.

"Oh gosh, no, stop!" Logan laughed wriggling in Roman's grasp. They tussled a bit until Roman was flipped on his back with Logan positioned on top of him. They both stopped, breathing hard, giggling every few seconds. Logan then collapsed onto Roman's chest.

Roman ran his hand through Logan's hair, wrapping his arm around his waist and holding him close. "You're the best, Lo." He then pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of Logan's head. "You know, I haven't had this much fun in so long. It's like I was stuck in the dark and then the sun came along. Life is so much better when I have my sun,” he beamed down at Logan.

"Please, if anyone is sunshine incarnate it's you." Logan raised himself and kissed the tip of Roman's nose. "My life felt like it was all in black and white. You walked in and brought all the colours of the rainbow with you." Logan smiled, rather happy with himself for coming up with the analogy.

Roman shied away from Logan's beautiful eyes and flushed a light pink, leaning up and pressing his lips to Logan's once again. "You want to watch a movie, Love?"

Logan sat back up. "I'd like that, yes." Roman turned on the tv and roamed through Netflix and they finally settled on a comedy. Roman went to get a plate of cookies and then they hunkered down on the couch with a blanket.

Roman was only half paying attention to the movie. He just couldn't believe this was his reality right now, sitting there, twirling Logan's hair in his hand and playing with the soft strands. Logan was leaning against his chest and Roman just felt so warm and safe, but most of all, he felt loved. The other hand he intertwined with Logan's, pressing his lips to the side of Logan's head.

Logan almost fell asleep multiple times during the movie. He was simply so comfortable, so relaxed, and his body and mind were tired from the day. Every now and again Roman's touch would bring him back to the room. When the movie was over they sat in silence for several minutes.

Roman yawned, blinking to try and wake himself up a little. He checked the time wincing when he actually realised how late it was. "Oh god, it's midnight, Lo, Did you want me to take you home? You don't have to go home if you don't want to, of course. You could stay here tonight... if that's what you want?" He buried his face in Logan's hair, hearing as he groaned in annoyance after hearing how late it was.

"Good thing today is Friday," Logan muttered drowsily. He did not want to get up, he didn't want to go anywhere, but he also knew that all good things have to come to an end. "If you're not too tired, I think I'd rather go home. This has been lovely, really, but I don't think I'm there yet for staying the night. I can call a cab if you'd rather not drive." Logan hoped he wasn't disappointing Roman too much. He searched his face for a sign that he'd made the wrong move.

"That's fine, love, I'll drive you. I'm used to being up this late, so I'm fine. I can see you're tired so give me one second, you wait here." He got up, carefully shifting Logan, who was still very drowsy. He grabbed his stuff, putting a few cookies into a small plastic container and putting it all in a bag. He pulled on his shoes and jacket, walking back over to Logan, picking him up. Then he walked out to the car, putting Logan into the passenger seat and putting on his seatbelt, getting in himself.

Logan let himself be practically carried to the car. He didn't think he'd ever felt this cared for and he could feel something inside him being slowly healed from every soft and loving gesture from Roman. Once they reached his place, he kissed Roman goodnight and went back to his apartment. He only took enough time to set his alarm for that morning before crashing onto his bed. He fell asleep then and there in his clothes on the half unmade bed.

That night, Roman just couldn't stop smiling, he just loved Logan so freaking much. He fell asleep almost immediately, which was so strange considering usually, he couldn't sleep for hours.

*** Tag list (let us know if you would like to be added or removed): @crossiantgay

#logince #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #thomas sanders #fanfic #fanfiction #logan sanders #roman sanders #cop au #fluff #long reads #multiple chapters #ao3 #tell me to stay #chapter 12

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

Text

Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 11

Summary : Roman meets Logan's old co-worker and more is revealed about why Logan left his old job

Previous chapter Next Chapter From the beginning Read on ao3

Chapter 11 - The best of a bad situation

They got back inside the office where Logan called his tech contact. He agreed to help and arrived 30 minutes later at the office. "Roman this is Steve, Steve, Roman," said Logan as he introduced the pair once they were settled into their private office.

"Nice to meet you, Steve," Roman shook his hand, getting a polite and respectful greeting in return. "Logan recommended your help, so I assume you must be good at what you do. We're trying to track down a male, supposed 'teenager' who was contacting our victim." He made his way over to his computer. "Feel free to ask any questions you may have, but our notes are confidential to the case." He then directed his attention to his computer as Logan spoke to Steve. Roman found himself getting worried at the condescending tone Steve used when speaking to Logan, especially when he compared to how Steve spoke to him. He got even more worried when he saw Logan's almost unfazed yet vaguely hurt expressions at each comment.

Logan was reminded then and there why he didn't like this guy. Steve was good at what he did, but he was also mainly just a jerk. For the sake of the case though, Logan put up with his comments and quips. "Ah yeah here I think I found your guy," Steve spoke, bringing up a Facebook page, "Looks like Garren did indeed have an obsession with your girl." Logan leaned forward as Steve brought up the messaging history. Roman joined them and stood protectively behind Logan. "The last messages are from the day she disappeared," Logan noticed, "Being one of the last people to have been in contact with her before her disappearance has got to be enough to be able to bring him in for questioning." He turned to Roman to get his input. He couldn't help but notice that Roman was glaring at Steve.

"Yeah, it is probable cause for bringing him in," Roman turned to Steve, inside he was seething. "Thank you for your help, Steve, we can take it from here." As soon as his back was turned, Roman angrily stared into the back of his head, and if looks could kill, Steve would be a corpse.

Logan walked Steve out, thanking him again for his help. "They let anyone join the force now huh," Steve threw as his goodbye as he walked to his car and left. Logan rolled his eyes and headed back inside. He walked back into the office to see Roman standing with his hands gripping his chair like he was about to throw it. "Woah what is this all about?"

Roman's gaze snapped over to Logan, immediately softening when he saw Steve wasn't hovering by his side. He frowned, walking over to the blinds, closing them and then shutting the door. Once he was sure it was safe he made his way over to Logan, scanning over his body, circling him and then finally looking over his face. Placing a hand on his cheek, he stared distantly into Logan's eyes, his gaze concentrated in searching for something.

"What... what are you doing?" Logan asked, completely confused and almost annoyed at this point. Roman didn't seem to want to give him an answer. "To what do I owe this impromptu body check?"

Roman finally seemed to come out of his trance, still determinedly watching Logan with a careful eye. "I'm so sorry," he mumbled, pulling Logan to his chest protectively. "Are you-...Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. You, on the other hand, I'm not so sure of." Logan really couldn't understand what had come over Roman. He pulled away, feeling rather nervous now as he stared down Roman. "Roman I'm fine, seriously what has gotten into you?"

"You don't think there's anything wrong with him speaking to you like that?" Roman was even more concerned now. "You looked...You looked used to it, being spoken to that way."

Logan puffed out a breath and rubbed under his glasses before he spoke, "Okay, so that's what this is about." He stopped to look at Roman directly, pulling at the cuffs of his shirt as he spoke. "Look, Steve is a huge jerk, I'm aware of that. The guy has no chill and he's a bully to everyone he's with. I was one always one of his favourite targets when we used to work together. No one liked him and let's say it was one of many reasons he ended up being fired. His HR file was ridiculous." He paused a moment before continuing. "As for being used to being spoken that way, let's just say he hasn't been the only one to choose me as a personal punching bag. I've pretty much heard it all at this point from pretty much everyone to a certain degree. One of the many reasons I left my old job."

"I wanted to help, I did, he just...made me so angry and I didn't want to make it worse for you by getting mad, or provoking him," Roman pouted, shying away, looking angry at himself. "You're so brave, Logan, I don't know how you do it." Roman was stuck between bursting into tears, breaking something or hugging Logan. He didn't want to do any of them. He would get in trouble if he broke something, worry Logan if he cried, and might cross a boundary if he hugged him, especially since Logan had already pushed him away. Roman didn't want to overwhelm him or make him feel worse.

"Hey, Roman, look at me," Logan said, placing himself in front of Roman. "Fortunately or unfortunately I got used to that kind of treatment. When you get it at school, at home, at work, wherever, you almost don't have a choice. Granted years of therapy have gone into getting me to the point where I'm okay with myself today. But standing up for myself has never been my strong point. It's always been easier to just stay quiet and wait for the bullies to get tired of you not reacting." He took Roman's hands between his. "Look I appreciate the concern, I do. I can only imagine what it must look like to a bystander, but I'm telling the truth when I say that I'm okay."

He looked up, searching Logan's eyes for any kind of uncertainty. When he found none, he rested his head on Logan's shoulder and replied, "Good, I'm glad you're okay, and just for the record," he leaned a little closer, smirking, "If we weren't at work I would have floored that bitch. No one gets away with hurting my favourite nerd." He smiled fondly.

"Well for the record, had we not been at work I probably would have let you. The guy has it coming to him." Logan laughed and pulled Roman into a hug. He could feel him relax at his touch and knew that they were good. "At least we got ourselves a new lead so this whole encounter wasn't in vain."

"Oh, if it were I wouldn't have been able to hold myself back. His presence was useless, destructive and he upset you. Forget floored him, I would’ve killed him," Roman snorted out a laugh, his voice was a little lighter with humour now lacing his tone.

"How about we try to not add you to the list of cases we have to solve," Logan chuckled. "We already have enough with this one." They finally let go of each other and got back to work. They managed to locate and contact Garren, who seemed severely anxiety-stricken at the news that Sophia had gone missing. He agreed without hesitation to meet with them to talk the next day.

Roman checked the time on his monitor and it, to his relief, said it was time for the end of their shift. He looked over to Logan, who was fixated on his monitor, typing furiously and looking pretty burnt out for that day. " Logan," he called. Getting no response, he called again, "Lo, our shift is over." He seemed to be so focused on his work that he'd completely zoned out. Roman stood up and walked over pulling Logan's chair back and tapping his finger against Logan's nose. "We can go home now, Lo," Roman smiled. Logan blinked at this, coming back to reality, then registered how close Roman was and went pink.

"Huh? Oh hi, uh…yeah, ok," Logan responded, finally recovering from his concentrated trance.

"Did you still want to come to my house tonight? We could either go now, or I'll come and pick you up from your house later. If you want to still come, that is." Roman wanted to give Logan an out if he wasn't feeling like it today, so he made a point to show he only wanted Logan to come if he was comfortable. It had been a long day and he didn't want to overwhelm him.

"Yeah, I think I might want to swing by my place first. I just want to shower and get changed into something a little more comfortable." Logan was exhausted from their day but no way was he backing out from a date with Roman. Part of him was scared out of his mind at the prospect, but he was determined to go through with it.

Roman nodded, making a mental note and cleaning up a few things on his desk, as he responded nonchalantly, "Cool, when do you want me to pick you up?"

"Let's say about 7? If that's good for you." Roman nodded and they parted ways outside the office. Logan headed for the subway station, grinning to himself. He could technically go to work by car and it would have been all the same, but while he knew how to drive and owned a car, he preferred not to. Besides, the subway station was only 2 blocks from his place. He smiled to himself the whole ride home.

Roman was pretty happy. He got home and freshened up, taking a shower and getting changed into a soft grey sweater, rolling up the sleeves, and then burgundy ripped jeans. He blow-dried his hair, deciding not to heavily style it and just pushing it back, a few strands fell over his face, but he didn't care in the slightest.

He rushed downstairs, making a start to the food. He was going to make rice, fried vegetables and fish. it would be a balanced meal with the right amount of nutrients, and nothing spicy, so he was pretty happy with himself. It was now six-thirty, half an hour until he was supposed to pick Logan up, and with traffic, it would take that long to get to Logan's house. He typed the address into the gps and then started driving, listening to some romance-themed, love songs.

Logan almost ran home to get ready. He was so excited. He showered and found himself stuck in front of his closet wondering what in the world to wear. He'd never had this problem before, he usually didn't care how he looked as long as he felt professional. As problematic as it felt, he was also kind of happy for the context that forced him into this position.

He'd never cared about wanting to look nice for someone before and it honestly felt kind of good to finally have a good reason to care. Not that he thought that Roman would truly care, but he still wanted to look and feel his best. In the end, he chose his favourite geometric sweater and a plain pair of blue jeans. By the time he was done, he heard Roman at the door.

Roman had a pretty nice drive over to Logan's house. Nervous energy was bubbling in his stomach, and the rain was quietly tapping against the window, the beautiful white noise serving as a calming constant for Roman that helped him to stay in the present and focus. He pulled up next to Logan's place and tugged on a jacket, pulling his umbrella from the backseat and climbing out. He walked up to Logan's front garden path and knocked on the door, waiting patiently.

*** Tag list (let us know if you would like to be added or removed): @crossiantgay

#logince #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #thomas sanders #fanfic #fanfiction #logan sanders #roman sanders #cop au #fluff #long reads #multiple chapters #ao3 #tell me to stay #chapter 11

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 10

Summary : Logan apprehensively goes back to work the next day and Roman opens up about how he raised Patton by himself.

CW: mentions of PDA, talking about childhood, abusive parents mention, drugs, offscreen past character death, homophobia, ableism.

Previous chapter From the beginning Next chapter Read on ao3

Chapter 10 - Hearts don't have to stay broken

Logan woke up the next morning with a smile on his face. He still didn't 100% understand his feelings towards Roman, but the one thing he did know was that he’d never felt like this towards anyone before. He got ready for work with unusual peppiness. He couldn't help but reminisce about their talk the previous day. On his way to work, however, his mood shifted. Oh gosh, how is this going to play out? he wondered to himself. They hadn't exactly agreed with what they were yet and Logan wasn't sure how to greet Roman this morning, nor how he would be greeted. He didn't know how much he wanted his colleagues to know about this just yet. He was afraid that Roman might be a little too enthusiastic. It was clear that he was a rather touchy-feely person and Logan was unsure how that would be expressed PDA wise. He entered the office nervously, a touch of apprehension building in his chest.

Roman had gotten up that morning feeling pretty good, even the nightmares didn't majorly affect his mood. He got into his car and drove to work, he got there at around the same time that Logan did and sat in his chair displaying his notes on the desk and checking through the lists. He looked up and smiled at Logan who sat cautiously watching him, a nervous expression on his face. "Hey, Lo," he said, trying to break away the tension and nervousness in Logan's tense frame, though it didn't seem to do much. He frowned slightly, maybe it would help more if he just acted like normal.

They were currently working on a missing person’s case. A young girl had disappeared 2 weeks before and they were trying to find possible leads as to where she could possibly be. These kinds of cases were always hard for Roman, but for some reason this one seemed to hit him even more so than usual. They’d already interviewed close family members, but hadn’t gotten very far. Now they were going to the recreational center she had frequented in order to see if anyone there would have any other information to give them. Roman knew the organisers well, Patton and Virgil supplied different snacks for the centre and Tina and Martin had often helped out for different events at the café. He looked over at Logan who was still busily typing away at his computer. "We're going to the rec center today so I'm just getting my notes together. We need a clear list of questions, so can you just run over any updates or new notes you have please? Just so I know what we don't have yet."

"Yeah, sure no problem let me take a look." So far so good, Logan thought to himself. Roman hadn't made any moves yet and Logan appreciated it. He relaxed just a little and ran through the questions and notes, adjusting here and there where it was needed. Once he was done they departed for the rec center.

When they'd gotten into the car and they were alone, Roman gently turned to Logan, who still looked very tense. "Lo, hun? Are you alright? You look really on edge..." Roman commented, staring worriedly at Logan for a few seconds. When Logan ducked his head and made an effort to avoid his eyes, Roman had a thought. "If it's got something to do with being at work, I don't do PDA, it's something I find pretty uncomfortable in the workplace. Plus, I respect your boundaries, if you don't want to be touched at all, that's perfectly fine, but I'd appreciate it if you tell me, that way I know what is and isn't okay."

Logan squirmed anxiously for a moment, trying to find a way to word his thoughts. "It's just... what are we exactly at this point? I know that putting labels on relationships can be uncomfortable, but I don't do well with grey zones. I'm a fish out of water when it comes to relationship territory." He heaved a sigh and rubbed the bridge of his nose under his glasses. "All I know is that physical intimacy isn't something I tend to feel too comfortable with even in private so in public, for me, it's a strong no." He hoped he wasn't asking too much.

"Oh, Lo, that's fine, I would never make you do something unless you were fully comfortable." He gently took Logan's hand, checking his face for any discomfort. "I really like you, but I'll be honest, I'm not sure what to call us, unless you're comfortable with the label ‘dating'? Does that label feel okay?"

"I... I don't know... maybe not just yet..." Logan gave Roman a little half-smile with a mischievous look in his eyes. "Does that mean you plan on asking me out on a first date again?" he asked playfully, feeling the tension leave his body. "This isn't what I expected to get out of quitting my old job and starting this one. Picani, my therapist, he's going to flip at our next session. I'm sure he'd love you."

"Oh, I bet he'll flip," Roman smiled, starting up the car and driving in the direction of the rec center. "You got your questions ready, Hun?"

"You bet, got them right here." Logan waggled his trusty notebook. The car took off and they chatted a bit, of nothing and everything until they reached the rec center. It looked bright and friendly in broad daylight and seemed to be buzzing with people.

Roman gulped, tensing slightly and filtering a slow breath through his lips, "Okay...you can do this Roman, it's just Tina and Martin," He whispered to himself.

"Uh, Roman, are you okay?" asked Logan. He didn't understand this sudden change in disposition. He put his hand on Roman's, trying to bring him back to the present moment.

"Uh, yes, yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay," He said, shaking his head lightly and looking at Logan, still looking a little worried. "I'm fine, I think..."

"Roman... talk to me..." Logan hoped he wasn't pushing too far, he could tell that Roman was holding back.

"I just...I'm worried about Tina, she’s been taking this really hard. I have to be professional, I have to, but what if she starts crying and I can't do it? It's stupid, I'm just bad at this. I should be better. I've been doing it long enough," Roman sighed, looking like a sad puppy.

"Hey, hey it's okay..." Logan rubbed his thumb soothingly over Roman's hand. "There's a reason we're advised not to mix personal and professional. So it's okay if this feels harder... How about you let me take the lead. I mean, I'll try my best. I'm still new to this and all but hey, no time like the present to learn new things."

"Are you sure that's okay? I don't want to push you into the deep end before you're ready," Roman asked, looking deeply concerned as he shyly smiled, trying to figure out from Logan's face if he looked worried.

"I mean it's not like I'll be completely alone either. I'd appreciate tips and pointers for sure, but I'd like to give it a shot," Logan spoke with determination. He felt a surge of gumption and wanted to ride it to fruition.

"I'm so proud of you, Logi, thank you for doing this, it means a lot." He smiled, hesitating. "Do you mind if I...can I- uh...have a hug?..You know what, don't worry, forget I asked. I know you don't like…you know."

Logan smiled, "I'll let you have a hug, just... I don't care for Logi as a nickname, if I'm being honest." He leaned across his seat and wrapped his arms around Roman. He could feel him burying his face into his neck. Logan didn't entirely hate the sensation.

"Thank you, I'm sorry I know you don't like it... I'm just...upset right now, I need to calm down. If Tina sees me upset, she’ll most likely tell Patton and then he'll flip and he just gets very worried and I don't want to worry him."

"That's okay, we can wait a few more minutes before going inside." Logan looked towards the building. "I just hope that we manage to find out some information to help with the case. I'd hate to feel like it was a waste of time and you had to go through all this for nothing."

"I'm sure I'm just being overdramatic, it's not a big deal. I just don’t want to end up giving Patton another reason to worry about me. Patton just cares..a whole lot about everyone all the time...it's exhausting for him. Patton is a lovely guy but with my nightmares lately... I just worry that he spends too much of his time worrying about me." Roman met Logan's eyes, looking dejected and worried and he started speaking again, "So thank you, if you ever have a problem and need to talk, feel free to come to me, I will happily listen, it's the least I can do."

"Oh yeah sure thanks and uh likewise you know." Logan paused a moment before continuing. "But have you ever thought of... are you.. do you have anyone to talk to about your more... let's say darker issues... like a therapist?"

"I did see a therapist, around the same time I lost my previous significant other. It was horrible back then, everyone just told me that 'break ups happen' and to 'get over myself' but I couldn't. After my therapist told me I had abandonment issues and serious fears about people leaving me, I couldn't take it. It did help, for a little while, but then it just felt like every time I said something it was another thing wrong with me, I couldn't face it, my problems were too much to handle." He hung his head and bit the inside of his cheek.

"Woah, that's unfortunate... Look... if ever you think you might want to try therapy again, I can give you Picani's info. I'm pretty sure he still takes new clients and I think you would like him. I mean, he's peculiar, but like, really not in a bad way if that makes any sense. But no pressure."

Roman furrowed his eyebrows, biting his lip and hesitating, "If you trust him, then I'll think about it. I trust you, Lo." He hesitantly pulled Logan in for another hug, humming happily when Logan pulled him closer.

Despite it all, Logan couldn't help but smile. He hadn't been hugged this often in a short amount of time in a long time. He didn't feel like Roman was invading his personal space, he rather made it more comfortable even. "I think I'm okay now, do you want to go in now?" Roman asked. Logan pulled back to sit back in his seat. "I'm good if you are," he responded.

"Okay," Roman gulped, forcing himself to let go of Logan's hand, throwing himself into the deep end. They went in and were directed to a quiet back room that had been reserved for them. Tina and Martin sat there at the table, Logan and Roman sitting down opposite them and Roman could immediately tell that Tina noticed he wasn't acting like himself, he tried to brush it off but it didn't work too well with the woman's concerned stares.

Logan suspected by Roman and Tina's expressions that they wouldn't have long before the questioning veered off subject. He then took a deep breath and went forward as bravely as possible. "Tina, thank you again for letting us speak with you. Could you tell us about how long Sophia had been coming here? Who did she usually hang out with when she came?" Logan asked, pen in hand and notebook at the ready.

"You're welcome, anything if it might help you find her. But it's sad really, Sophia didn't have many friends her age and she'd been coming ever since she joined high school, she was very lonely," Tina said sadly. "She would always be around older kids, though they never came in. When they did, it was just to get Sophia, then they'd be gone. They never introduced themselves, never showed their faces and got really on edge when Sophia hung out here. It worried me a lot," Tina added, biting at her nails nervously which Martin frowned at, but didn't stop her.

"Are you sure there isn't anyone else who comes here who might have known her a little bit more?" Logan asked with a bit more insistence. "Or perhaps even people who simply knew of her, like classmates perhaps?" Logan didn't want to make Tina uncomfortable, but he also wanted to make sure they had no other options before letting it go. He glanced over at Roman who gave him a small nod of reassurance.

"Well, there was this one boy. I never met him personally, but she would always talk to Martin about him. Martin knows much more about her school friends than me, those two did get along well. What was his name, Marty?" With a quiet hum of contemplation Martin cut in, "Garren, his name was Garren. And he liked her, but she wasn't interested. She kept telling me that he just wouldn't let it go, she was so frustrated by it. He was obsessive, but I don't think he’d go as far as kidnapping her. It would be worth talking to him, though. He might know something important."

"Do you have any idea where we could find him, by any chance, any way to contact him?" Logan asked, a sudden rush of excitement going through him. Finally, something was giving way. Of course, it was only a potential lead and possibly a dead end, but at least it was something.

"Well, he would message her over her phone, laptop, personal phone number, all her social media accounts, he even turned up outside her school a few times. I'd be surprised if you couldn't find one of those," Martin explained then sighed. "Now that I think about it, sometimes she seemed distressed after extended conversations with him. I think she was scared of him, or what he might do."

Logan scribbled quickly as he finished taking down all the information. "Okay, I think we've got some good stuff to go on. We won't keep you any longer, thank you again for everything." At this, Tina and Martin said goodbye and headed back to the main gymnasium, leaving Logan and Roman alone.

"Sorry that I didn't help much, you did a great job. I'm really proud of you, Logan, thank you," Roman said, his face lighting up a little bit more, "I suggest that we're very careful with this lead. He's young and unless we have proof of something he might have good cover to back himself up."

"Well, I know a good tech guy from another division who might be able to help us crack down on his mobile and online interactions with the victim. If not for incriminating evidence hopefully we'll have enough to bring him in for questioning," Logan said as he finally met Roman's gaze. "You holding up okay?"

"Yeah, I'm alright." Roman nodded lightly, he seemed a little uncertain, but a gentle smile was playing on his face, "Thanks to you, my hero." He gently and hesitantly took Logan's hand, giving him the chance to pull away if he felt uncomfortable. "Thank you for caring, you know, checking up on me, it means a lot." He gently squeezed Logan's hand and nervously shied away from Logan's gaze.

Logan blushed lightly at this. He enjoyed this little moment with Roman, but he reminded himself that they had a job to do too. He didn't want to let this get in the way of that. "We should probably get going."

"Yeah, we probably should, but I really don't want to," Roman responded, making no move towards the car whatsoever as he stood there, smiling mischievously.

"Okay, what's that supposed to mean?" Logan wasn't sure how to decipher Roman's expression. He grabbed his notebook and made to leave, but Roman caught him gently by the wrist.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to if I crossed a line. I was just going to ask when you next had free time...I want to hang out with you...While we aren't at work." Roman looked a little worried but mostly dejected as he continued, rushing out, "I-... but if you don't want to, I don't want you to feel like you have to, because you don't... I just thought, well...you know."

Logan turned to look at Roman and gazed straight into his eyes. "I'd be happy to hang out after work. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly the kind of person who has a very occupied social life. Needless to say I have free time that I think I can spare."

Roman visibly relaxed, as he thought for a second. "Okay," he sighed, slightly relieved, "okay, yeah, would you like to come to my house and watch a movie or something? I could make dinner?"

"Yeah, that would be nice," Logan said smiling warmly. He was being asked out, and this time nothing was going to keep him from accepting. "Just a heads up I don't do spicy foods, but other than that I'm not picky."

"Right, no spicy foods. Got it," Roman smiled. "Let's go then, when we get back to the station you can contact your tech friend and we'll look further into who this guy was. After all, he might not even be real." Roman walked around the car climbing in after Logan. He had his eyebrows furrowed, staring down at his phone and was typing something. "What's wrong, everything okay?"

"Huh," Logan replied, distracted, "oh yeah um, yeah it's all good." He quickly finished his text and put his phone away, trying to look as natural as possible. He'd just gotten a message from his mother, asking him to call her. He had been rather estranged from his family for a few years now. He couldn't imagine why she was contacting him now.

"You sure?" Roman asked, twisting the key in the ignition and starting up the car. The tires worked against the gravel crunching before they got onto the smoother road and Roman gave him a sideways glance. "We've got a twenty-minute drive back to the station if you want to talk, I don't mind listening."

"It's just," Logan spoke nervously, "I just got a text from my mother. She wants me to call her..." He wrung his hands before continuing, "I haven't exactly been on speaking terms with her for the past while, with any of my family members to be honest."

Roman hummed thoughtfully in response, "Well, I'm in a similar boat to you, I don't talk to my related family either. Patton is the only real family I have left, that's why I'm so protective. We got out of there together, and we have to stick together to stay safe, look after each other. In fact, I and Patton have just decided it's better to choose who is part of your family. Family is important, no matter who you consider being a part of that family." He reached over and squeezed Logan's hand, as a grounding comfort for him, "May I ask why you aren't on speaking terms, Hun?"

"Well let's say that communication has never been anyone's strong suit in my family. They also still deny that I have a cognitive disorder, despite being professionally diagnosed. I guess It just felt like I was always letting them down as it seemed I could never do anything right. Especially in my father's eyes." Logan appreciated Roman's hand on his at that moment. He felt it was the only thing keeping him from breaking down and crying.

"Yeah, I understand that feeling, Lo. My dad was never a great guy, he died when I was ten. Accidental drug overdose, my mom didn't react well. She took it out on me mostly, but when she started making Patton's life awful, I got him out of there. We stayed with my distant aunt and this was when I was sixteen so Patton would have been only eleven. I got a job and worked as hard as I could with school and it seemed okay again. Then Patton came out when I was eighteen." Roman paused and let out a heavy sigh that made his hand clasped in Logan's shake slightly. "It did not go well and she kicked him out, said I could stay because I wasn't a... I'm sorry I refuse to use her words. After I finished school and got a job in the force, Patton met Virgil. Now they've been together for five years. Patton told me that now it was time for me to find my happy ending...I'd pretty much given up." Roman looked over at Logan and smiled, "Then I met you."

"Wow, Roman I.. I had no idea..." Logan replied, stunned by what he'd heard. "My life hasn't nearly been so eventful. Although my coming out was also the last straw." He met Roman's eyes, their gazes held a mutual understanding.

Roman broke the gaze to focus on the road, he looked as if he was about to say something, but paused for a second in contemplation. "Hey Lo? promise me something please?" Logan glanced over cautiously, "And what would that be?"

Carefully, Roman ran his thumb over the back of Logan's hand. "It's okay, it's nothing to be worried over." He brought the hand to his lips and kissed it. "I wanted you to promise me that you won't let your disorder or your family define you. That you'll decide who you are, no matter what happens. I want you to truly try and believe me when I tell you that you're worth so much, because to me, you are."

Logan slowly let out a sigh of relief and smiled. "What have I done to deserve a person like you in my life?" He stared fondly at Roman as he parked the car back at the office building.

"You didn't promise me," Roman smirked, turning to Logan as he'd just finished parking, taking Logan's hand again and smiling up at him.

"I can't promise anything that I know I won't keep. It's impossible that I never feel like it's all I am because for a long time I did. But I can promise that I will do my best to try."

Roman frowned, but brightened up at the prospect that Logan was going to try. He beamed proudly, his whole being gleaming with affection for the man in front of him. "And that's all I'd ever ask of you, Lo. Your efforts are all I want, as long as you're trying. I'm so proud of you." Roman was practically glowing. He smiled at Logan, giving him a look as if the man was his entire world.

"But in turn I'd like for you to also promise me something. Please don't let yourself reach the bottom of the barrel before you ask for help." Logan gave Roman a meaningful look. "I know it's not easy acknowledging you need help, especially when you've been taking care of yourself, by yourself for so long. But I don't want to see you hurting when you don't have to."

Roman swallowed, looking momentarily speechless. "....I...Uh..." He bit down on his lip and looked up to meet Logan's gentle, but somehow intense gaze. "I promise...You're right...it won't be easy...but I promise, Logan," he forced out, his eyes visibly showing a light glaze of unfallen tears. Logan smiled and gave Roman's hand a final squeeze before unbuckling and getting out of the car.

*** Tag list (let us know if you would like to be added or removed): @crossiantgay

#logince #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #thomas sanders #fanfic #fanfiction #logan sanders #roman sanders #cop au #fluff #cw: drugs #cw: abusive parents #cw: homophobia #long reads #multiple chapters #ao3 #tell me to stay #chapter 10

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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A Pirates Life (For Us) - Chapter 5

Summary : The crew goes to great lengths to reunite Remus with Logan. Will they succeed in their efforts or will it all be in vain?

CW: slight betrayal of trust, mention of prior injury

Previous chapter Next chapter From the beginning Read on ao3

Chapter 5 - Mutiny and Making Up

Logan headed out onto the main deck sometime later, a little bit more composed than earlier. This changed quickly however when he took notice of their position in regards to the sun. He stormed to where Zaid was manning their course, looking towards the water with an innocent look on his face.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Logan roared, “This is the complete opposite of the direction I specifically instructed you!”

“Yes I’m aware sir,” Zaid replied, affecting to look like he was completely unbothered.

“Then what in the hell, may I ask, do you think you’re doing?” Logan was seething at this point. He was beyond bewildered as to what had possessed his trusted navigator.

“Hey, Captain,” said a voice right behind Logan, “We’re headin back to port to get your boyfriend.” Logan spun around to see Dallas leaning against the side of the ship, a smug look on his face.

Logan lunged towards his friend but was stopped short as half a dozen other crew members immediately jumped into action and immobilized him. He thrashed wildly as he was dragged along the deck until he was tied securely to the main mast.

“Look, you’re all making a very big mistake here, you all better say your fucking prayers,” Logan hissed venomously, kicking and writhing under the ropes to no avail.

“Look, sorry Captain, but you started it. You lied to us,” Dallas commented, the smug expression ever present as Zaid took his arm to give it a tug to try and reel him in before Logan glared him to death.

Upon seeing Zaid’s distress over the situation, Dallas turned and they seemed to exchange a look of mutual understanding before they both began to head to the other side of the ship.

........

The journey back was painstaking and with the days it took, they decided to move Logan to the holding cells to make sure that he wouldn’t be too uncomfortable and so they could still give him food and water. He was still their Captain after all and while he was a complete stubborn moron sometimes, he was their (or should they say Remus’?) stubborn moron.

As they were just arriving at the port, they decided to bring Logan out of the cell and tie him back up against the mast. While this wasn’t necessary and all around a rather dick move, they all felt like it was good fun to finally have Logan get a taste of his own medicine.

He was struggling against his restraints and spewing profanities for all to hear as they finally landed against the loading docks. Once they were secured in place Dallas bounded off the ship to find Remus. He was soon barging into the inn, hoping that Remus would still be there.

At that moment Remus had been helping out in the kitchen in the back when he heard loud voices from the dining room. He kept at what he was doing until he thought he heard his name spoken by what seemed like an oddly familiar voice. Putting down his work he went out to see what was going on.

He froze when he saw Dallas talking with the innkeeper, gesturing wildly as the poor man tried to understand what this pirate wanted from him. “Dallas… w-what are you doing here?”

Dallas was stopped short at hearing his voice and his face lit up at the site of him. Remus had no time to register what was going on that he was pulled into a bear hug. “Thank God you’re still here,” Dallas said, “C’mon, you’re comin back with us.”

Remus furrowed his eyebrows, confused as to what exactly was going on. “Dallas, what’s going on?” he asked, pulling the man back and holding him at arm’s length, a whole mixture of emotions running across his face.

“Ah...right. First, I wanna say sorry ‘cos I’m not sure Logan will… Second, we really need ya back…” Dallas trailed off. Concern flashed through his eyes for a moment before it disappeared.

Dallas took a breath before he continued after a few seconds of thought. “I don’t wanna tell ya much ’cos I’m sure Logan is holdin out on us, if it fits my version o’ things I don’t know. What I do know is that he needs ya whether he wants to believe it or not. I promise ya, Remus. The second we noticed Logan wasn’t comin back for ya, we turned around.”

From behind Dallas, the slightly more timid voice of Zaid trailed out as he approached Remus. “Actually...we had to try out just a tad of mutiny and we’d really appreciate it if you talked to Logan so he doesn't skewer us all as soon as we untie him...” he mumbled, “we really...we needed you back…He needed you back, but he’s made himself so damn afraid of his own feelings.”

Remus bit his lip and stared at the ground, silent as he got lost in his thoughts. When he’d heard that the ship had left without him he had hoped at first that maybe, just maybe, Logan would come back to get him. But as the weeks had gone by the hope had slowly burnt out to where he was certain that he was never going to see Logan again. He had spent so many nights crying himself to sleep over all the different emotions he felt regarding the whole ordeal. All of it washed over him now as Dallas and Zaid looked at him expectantly.

“I...I…’” Remus mumbled, unable to find anything else to say. So many emotions were fighting for control inside of him and he wasn’t sure which one was going to win out. Finally, he decided that regardless of which one he went with he might as well get to see Logan. He’d either wind up kissing him or killing him himself so either way it required the object of his turmoil. “You know what, fine, I’ll go see him. But I’m not making any promises that I’ll be joining you guys again after this.”

“I’ll take it,” Dallas replied as he grabbed Remus by the hand and pulled him out of the inn and almost dragged him back along to the ship, Zaid in tow who thanked the innkeeper profusely while apologizing for the inconvenience.

Once the ship was in sight, it became clear Logan was on board because the loud shouting and swearing was still carrying through the air. Remus sighed, hoisting himself up onto the ship before he stood still for a second, looking over at the Captain and attempting to swallow down the lump in his throat.

Logan saw him and immediately, the profanities stopped. He stared at Remus like a deer in headlights as Remus began walking over to him. Logan made his expression harden and he tried his best to pretend like he wasn’t feeling anything for the man in front of him. He went to start speaking but Remus cut him off midway through the first word.

“Logan, don’t even think about it. Shut up,” Remus demanded and shockingly to everyone around them, Logan obeyed. He tried to do anything other than look at Remus, but that only seemed to make it worse and suddenly he felt awfully vulnerable.

Logan hung his head to make sure he wouldn’t have to look at the other man and swallowed hard, trying incredibly hard not to give in to any of the feelings eating away at him. This all failed when Remus spoke again, his voice heavy and slightly unsteady, but other than that unusually cold and void of his usual enthusiasm. “Logan, look at me.”

Reluctantly, Logan raised his gaze to meet Remus’ eyes, he wasn’t entirely sure what to make of what he saw there. “Where should I even start?” Remus began as he paced back and forth in front of Logan. “At the part where you decided to get the most out of your little ‘bargaining chip’? Or when you decided that I was going to be your play thing until it was no longer interesting and decided to just abandon me with nothing but your pity money? Or the part where you made me believe you actually fucking cared about me and that you had actual feelings?” He paused for a moment, his chest heaving with the breaths he forced in and out.

“You, sir, are nothing but a self absorbed, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable asshole. So if you think you can just go ahead and apologize and I’ll get over it then you better get used to being strapped to that mast because you’re gonna be staying there for a while.” Remus stopped here, glaring pointedly at Logan who cast his gaze aside again.

Remus' eyes softened as the reality of all that he'd said hit him. "Do you really think so little of me that you didn't think I deserved even so much as a goodbye?" he asked, his voice cracking slightly with emotion on the last few words. His heart hurt and it felt as if the cavity his head had been buried in was slowly getting smaller and smaller. He took a step back and brought his hands to his face, not knowing what to do.

Logan licked his lips, trying to find his composure as he fought to maintain a neutral face. “You’re right, you didn’t deserve that…” he said, his voice trailing off but leaving it at that.

"Hang on, that's it??! You leave me to heal from a stab wound that you indirectly caused by leaving me in an environment I don't know, having no idea what happened to you right after you kissed me and that's all I fucking get?!?" he tried to yell, but it seemed to come out more of a whimper at just how mortified and hurt he sounded.

“Well what are you expecting me to say? That I’m sorry? If you came back here expecting an apology then I guess you’ll have to leave disappointed,” Logan spat. He was trying his best to maintain his dignity as much as possible while still tied up against the mast.

Remus scoffed, laughing pitifully and closing his eyes for a few seconds to try and maintain his composure. "I'm missing something here, aren't I? You're damn well good at hiding it all, but I know there's more to you than whatever you're doing. I know it," he said stubbornly. "Logan, I want… I want you to be happy, they want you to be happy," he added, gesturing to the crew members that were pretending not to be fully invested in the drama. "Why are you so insistent on being alone? There's a part of you that wants to give in, I know there is."

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Logan sneered in response. “I don’t understand why all of you are so insistent on caring about my feelings. I certainly don't care what any of you think you know about me.” His eyes flashed as he looked over the other members of the crew who all proceeded to wander a little farther away. “I’m far past worrying about being happy at this point.”

"Exactly," Remus sighed, "You just… it's like you've given up on yourself. They came and got me because they were worried about you… What happened while I was gone, Logan?" he asked, stepping back forwards and hesitantly taking Logan's hand.

“Nothing happened. Or rather plenty of things did. We’ve been rather busy off on different adventures while you were comfortably resting at that cozy inn,” Logan explained, trying to ignore the comforting feeling of Remus’ hand on his. “Who do you take yourself to be to try and study me like some sort of specimen?”

"Well, Logan. I take myself to be the person who tried to help you. The person who fell for you when you kissed me with that smile on your face like you were the happiest person in the world. I don't know who you think I am or how you feel about me, you're right about that. Though, I don't think you're being honest and I'm not sure how honest you're actually being with yourself," Remus gushed, a slight smile on his face as he thought back to those feelings and some of the positive things Logan made him feel.

Logan scowled at Remus, unamused with what he was implying. “Just stop talking, why don’t you? You’re wasting your breath trying to reason your way out of this. There’s nothing you can say to change my mind,” Logan said with finality.

Remus deflated slightly, but a dangerous smirk flashed across his face before it disappeared again as quickly as it came. "Alright, fine."

Logan breathed an internal sigh of relief at this, thinking that Remus had finally given up. He swallowed down his feelings once again and resisted the urge to apologize and tell Remus he didn't mean any of it.

Then, Remus continued. "Actually, I agree with you. I don't think there is anything I can say that'll get you to stop bullshitting me. Luckily for us though, there's other things I can do with my mouth excluding talking. I think I do that rather well too, but you know, I don't think you're a wordsy kind of guy," he commented, the hand that wasn't holding Logan’s moving beside Logan's head as he leaned closer and quirked an eyebrow. "Am I right, Logan?"

It was at that moment that Logan knew he was a dead man regardless of what Remus was about to do. With the look Remus had in his eye Logan found himself completely powerless as he saw the other man slowly lean forward to press their lips together. Remus’ hand moved to cup his face, his thumb gently stroking Logan's cheek as the kiss lingered.

When Remus pulled back, he tried not to look too proud of himself when he saw Logan no longer looked very composed at all. His cheeks were just slightly flushed, his eyes were lidded and he looked a lot calmer and visibly less tense. He let himself smile lovingly as Logan opened his eyes and met Remus'. Finally, finally Remus let himself hope for something from the other man. If this didn't work, he wasn't sure what to do.

Logan opened his mouth to speak, but for once in his life he was at a loss for words. He shook his head, trying to clear away the haze that lingered. “Remus,” he breathed out in no more than a whisper. He swallowed before attempting to speak again. “Could we… can we go to my cabin so we can talk… just the two of us... Please?” Logan just wanted to be untied as he kept straining against his restraints, wanting nothing more than to wrap his arms around Remus.

Remus nodded, pulling away from him and beckoning Dallas and Zaid over to help him with the ropes. Once they were untied, Logan stumbled slightly and Remus carefully helped him steady himself with a smile. "Okay, lead the way, Logan," he said softly, trying to help Logan not feel so helpless by making him feel like he had some of his authority back.

Logan nodded as he took Remus’ hand and pulled him along towards his quarters, trying his best to ignore the looks they were getting from everyone around them. Once they got there, he opened the door and beckoned Remus inside, closing it behind them both. He then turned towards Remus who was looking at him with an uncertain but also hopeful expression on his face. Logan heaved a sigh before moving to embrace Remus, hugging him tightly against his chest. It took all his willpower not to start crying then and there as he passed his fingers through the other man’s hair.

Remus held him back, timidly at first, but just as tightly once he was more sure of himself. Remus wasn't nearly as good at holding himself together compared to Logan and he began to sniffle softly as he pulled Logan as close as he could. For a while they were silent apart from Remus' quiet sobs and shallow breaths.

After a moment, Remus managed to be the first one to speak, wanting to express something too badly to be worried about the consequences. "I thought I'd lost you completely. I hoped I was right about you hiding everything, but for a second, I thought I'd have to leave and god, I missed you so much and I was so scared. I waited for a while, but… but… It didn't look like you were…" he stopped there, shaking slightly from the silent sobs as tears tracked a well worn path down his face.

Logan shushed him softly as he carefully brushed away the tears from Remus’ face. “I know…” he breathed in reply, leaning to press their foreheads together. “Remus… I don’t know what’s wrong with me… Or rather I do, but I’m not sure I’m ready to face it all just yet,” he admitted rather sadly. “There’s so much you don’t know about me, about why I’m the way I am. I wasn’t always like this…”

He paused, unable to go further in his train of thought. It all still hurt too much and in that moment he didn’t want that. He pulled away to look at Remus again, his own eyes now also watery as he took a shaky intake of air. “I’m… I’m so sorry Remus….”

"Logan, it's okay to be scared of the past. It's okay to not be ready to face it yet. The problems come when you punish yourself for it. When you isolate yourself which you have to admit you've been doing. As for me not knowing, I don't need to right now. I'll listen whenever you're ready and I'm here. Even if you're never ready, I came back because I care about you, Logan. I wouldn't have if I thought you weren't worth it."

Logan stood there for a second as he thought over what Remus had just said. It… actually seemed not stupidly out of reach for once. Logan wasn't sure how to feel about everything just yet, but he knew that he definitely did feel something very strong for Remus and he didn't want to let it go. "That…God, I should have just talked to you… I'm so sorry Remus… I...I was so stupid…"

Remus took a deep breath before he continued. "I… If you're sorry, promise you won't do it again," he sniffed, looking up at Logan as a few more tears tracked down his cheeks. "Logan, if you want me to even think about staying, I need you to promise me you'll never do that again, I can't take it," he croaked, his throat dry and hoarse and his lip quivering.

Logan hesitated for a moment, looking away before returning his gaze to Remus. “I… I don’t know that I can make that kind of promise…” he admitted, quickly adding, “not because I don’t want to. I just… I’m a man of my word, so I can’t bring myself to promise something I don't think I can keep. Because the truth is that, knowing myself, I don’t think that I can with a clear conscience say that it won't ever happen again. What I can promise though is that I’ll try.” He paused, collecting himself. “I know it’s not much and probably not what you want to hear, but it’s all I have to offer… I can only hope that it’s enough…”

Remus sighed tiredly, resting his head on Logan's shoulder. "It is, if you genuinely want me to stay and you're going to try, that's all I can ask for," he mumbled softly, sounding more content despite his voice being scratchy and his face blotchy. "Can…can you kiss me again? If that's okay?" he asked softly, tilting his head tiredly upwards to look at Logan who was staring right back at him, blushing slightly.

Logan was all too happy to oblige him as he slipped his arms around Remus’ waist to pull him closer before leaning in for their first proper kiss. Remus sighed against him as he passed his arms around Logan’s neck, shifting slightly to deepen the kiss. It was slow but deliberate, as both put more and more of themselves into the embrace.

Logan pulled back and Remus failed to suppress a disappointed whimper at the loss causing Logan to chuckle fondly.

"Thank you," Remus mumbled, resting back against Logan's chest and sighing. "You're so much better than any amount of blankets and pillows… Well, unless I had like 1000! But like, I might suffocate so maybe not the best," he pouted, his nose scrunching up slightly at his own thought.

Chuckling again, Logan hugged him once more before pulling Remus towards the bed. Remus giggled as he followed, sitting happily on the side of the bed once Logan had removed the covers. “Please come cuddle with me Logan,” Remus requested as he looked up at Logan with big wide pleading eyes, extending his arms out in a grabby hands gesture.

Logan flushed madly at the display but swiftly went to join him in the bed. He lay down against his pillows and Remus immediately snuggled up against him, nuzzling his face in the crook of Logan’s neck as he hummed softly.

"See, I knew you'd be good for cuddles." Remus smiled, tracing a small circular pattern into Logan's bicep. "Though you could have taken me on a date before you took me to bed, but I'll let it slide this time." He winked, producing a flustered huff from the captain who was quickly flushing darker the more affectionate Remus was being with him. Remus thought it was at least a little warranted, he deserved some revenge.

While wearing an air of mock offense, deep down, Logan was blissfully content with his current state of being. He wrapped his arms protectively around Remus, as if to make sure he would never ever let him go again; he would not be making the same mistake twice.

Remus hummed happily, leaning up and pressing a soft kiss to the side of Logan's jaw. "You're adorable, you know that?" he smirked at the captain, looking up at him through sleepy lidded eyes. "You big softie," Remus proceeded to giggle.

Logan looked down at him with a soft, fond smile. Had anyone else dared say that to him, he would have eviscerated them. With Remus, however, this simply caused Logan to pull him in for another quick kiss before resuming their previous cuddling position. “You hush now and get some rest. You may be recovered but I’ll be the judge of that.”

"But if I go to sleep, I can't see your handsome face," Remus whined, shuffling slightly so he could kiss the captain’s nose. "And sleep is borninggggg… We could always make out instead!?" he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Logan spluttered for a moment at this comment. “I’ll consider it, but that’s a tomorrow problem. Right now it’s rest and that’s Captain’s orders,” he said resolutely. Remus pouted again but didn’t say anything this time, snuggling closer against Logan and sighing happily.

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

Text

Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 9

Summary : Roman and Logan finally get the chance to talk things out face to face. Will they arrive to a satisfactory resolution?

CW: None

Previous chapter From the beginning Next chapter Read on ao3

Chapter 9 - Hope on the Horizon

Virgil had just finished wiping down the last few tables when the door swung open and Logan walked in, looking a little uncomfortable and tired. He picked up the cloth and put it behind the counter, calling over to Logan. "Hey, so you came, that's great," Virgil said, smiling weakly. He pointed over to a small table in the corner. "We’ll sit over there."

Logan headed towards the table Virgil indicated and sat down. His hands were clammy and he tried to wipe them conspicuously on his pant leg. Virgil finished putting some things away behind the counter before joining him. Logan tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat as Virgil sat across from him.

"Okay, first of all, try and calm down. I'm not mad at you, now take a breath," Virgil said, handing Logan a glass of water. His eyes were kind and accepting and he hoped that would act as a comfort for Logan.

Logan took the glass in his hands as he tried to regulate his breathing. “I just, I just want to understand what’s going on… and to maybe explain myself a bit… I’m sure you think I’m a terrible person who blew Roman off after he tried to ask me out… But really… I just… I just panicked… like honestly… I know it sounds stupid, but that’s the truth…”

Virgil nodded. "Well, I've already gotten Roman's side of things, so I want a clear idea of what's going on in your head," he said gently. His hope here was to try and give both of them a clearer perspective of what the other was thinking.

Logan took a deep breath, trying to get his ideas in order before speaking. “I’m just not very good with people in general I guess… I don’t know if Roman has ever mentioned it to you, but I have Asperger’s Syndrome. Not that that excuses anything, it’s just that I’m not the best at reacting the way most people would in a lot of situations.” He bit his lip as he stared at the glass that he was rolling back in forth in his hands. “I’ve also never had anyone ask me out, or at least not anyone who actually meant it. I tend to think people are making fun of me, maybe because usually they are,” Logan’s voice trailed off, his eyes holding a sad expression.

Virgil nodded in understanding, choosing his next words carefully. "Well, I do see where you're coming from, I had the same mindset when I met Patton. But I think the biggest reassurance I can give for you to keep in mind is that when Roman shows interest in someone, he's serious about it. I can promise you that he would never have the intention of using you and would only let himself ask you on a date in the first place if he thought you would work well with him in the long term," he explained carefully. "Though I do understand that Roman is not exactly innocent here either. This whole situation has been magnified way out of proportion and not talking to each other about it is only worsening it."

“Yeah… I know…” Logan admitted rather sheepishly. “I guess I just started this off by royally messing up and it just went downhill from there. I really didn’t mean for things to get this bad, I just didn’t know how to make them better either.” He heaved a deep sigh, leaning against his hand. “I guess I haven’t really had a chance to truly understand my feelings in this whole situation. I mean I knew I appreciated Roman as a coworker, I just hadn’t even thought of wondering any further than that.”

Virgil nodded, “And you have now?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow in question. “How do you actually feel about Ro, Logan? Have you actually had a chance to think about that, yet?” he paused, “because if you’re going to talk to Roman at some point, I would recommend having your own thoughts and feelings in order. If you don’t understand what you’re feeling, it will make it all the more hard for Roman to understand.”

“It’s just… I’ve never gotten this far before. I'm honestly still partially in shock over the fact that Roman actually liked me," Logan explained. “Dating has just never been something I tend to think about when I meet people. I’m normally just happy if they don’t hate me. And with the whole figuring out my sexuality thing, let’s just say it’s not something I’ve ever felt comfortable enough to actually properly explore. All that I know is that I like guys and that’s pretty much it. Them liking me back however, that’s a new one I have to say.”

Virgil smiled, a small glimmer in his eye clearly lit by the hope of something. Logan looked a little uneasy at seeing the spark, but Virgil quickly elaborated on it, not wanting to make Logan uncomfortable. “You said liking you back. That implies that you do have some kind of feelings for him,” Virgil grinned. “I’d recommend sifting through your thoughts before tomorrow,” he said, “See what you can figure out.”

Logan nodded, he definitely had lots to think of before he would see Roman next. Their conversation lasted a few more minutes before he finally excused himself. He thanked Virgil for his willingness to hear him out and for allowing him to understand Roman’s side of the story a bit more. Now all that was left was to hope that they would manage to reach some sort of resolution to this whole mess. He headed home feeling much lighter than when he’d come in.

Virgil locked up at the café, heading upstairs to wait for Patton to get home. He knew he would be home in roughly a half hour so he wanted to make a start on dinner. In the meanwhile he sent several texts to Logan and Roman. The messages to Roman consisted mostly of comfort and reassurance, whereas the ones to Logan were more advice driven with a subtle comforting tone behind them, since he knew Logan would appreciate that more. The two of them had agreed that Logan and Roman should go back to the café the next day so they could have the much needed conversation and talk this out. It would be best if Logan asked Roman the next day because it would feel like he was reaching out and with some luck, Roman might just take it as a sliver of hope.

……

The night wasn't kind to either Logan nor Roman. Even despite the comfort Roman had received and how much it had helped in easing his mind, he was still plagued with the worst monsters his mind could conjure. The feeling of insecurity and danger that hovered around him was only making everything that much worse.

Logan himself wasn't doing too well either. He had felt very anxious and it took him a long time to actually get to sleep that night. Even once he did, it was uneasy and cold. It felt like the world was melding together into one big mess that took the form of a beast and prowled between the both of them, setting fire to their minds and turning the pain and hurt into fiery anger.

…..

The next day went painfully slow. Morning dragged because of the tiredness that was impossible to erase and when they got to work, it was just too quiet. Roman was at his desk, typing away and making a valiant attempt to not worsen the already detrimental situation. Not much passed between them that day, it was difficult to tell whether that was a bad thing or not. Apart from quiet conversation there was very limited dialogue between them.

At the end of that day, Logan had looked up from his computer and managed to force himself to say something. With as few words as possible, he'd successfully gotten Roman to agree to go with him to the café. They drove there in silence, pulling up outside the quiet building and walking inside. Patton, who was the one working that day, pointed them over to a small table in the corner with a warm and encouraging smile.

The atmosphere between them was thick. It was no longer angry tension, more just the both of them being clueless on how to start. As Logan made his way over to the table, Roman quickly mentioned he was going to speak to Patton. In the short exchange, he did nothing much aside from ordering them some drinks. He'd wracked his brain and remembered that, at some point before, Logan had mentioned liking warm and sweet drinks when it came to comfort. He wasn't sure when this had come up, but the detail brought to him seemed to be too specific of a memory for him to be fabricating it. He walked back over to the table and timidly placed one of the drinks down in front of Logan. He then quickly shuffled back to his seat and sat there, visibly trying to make himself smaller. "I'm sorry," Roman mumbled. "God, I am so sorry about all of this," he sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.

“Hey, no,” Logan protested, “if anything, I’m the one who should be sorry. If I hadn’t freaked out and ran off in the first place this wouldn’t have become such a mess.” He knit his eyebrows as he stared at the light foam bubbles that had formed on the surface of his hot chocolate. He’d gone over that moment in his mind a thousand times over ever since it had happened, wondering what might have been if he hadn’t been such an idiot. If there was a time as any where he’d felt like a clueless moron, that had definitely been it.

Roman hummed in contemplation. "I don't know, I guess I just got really insecure and defensive…" Roman mumbled, his finger running over the rim of his own cup. “It wasn't fair of me to take out my own inner turmoil on you, " he added with a frown. "Virgil says he thinks I caught you off guard… " he trailed off. "It really wasn’t what I was going for, I promise," he huffed, taking the drink to his lips, "I simply wanted to ask you in an environment you were relatively familiar with since doing it over phone call has always been a poor way to do it in my eyes."

Logan managed a small smile. “I guess I can appreciate that. I sort of have a phone phobia in general so it probably wouldn’t have gone any better that way anyway.” He looked up to meet Roman’s eyes. “I just wish I didn’t have such a strong flight reflex. The one time someone asks me out I decide to freak out and run away. I mean, who does that?”

"I'll be honest, I don't think it was a decision." Roman smiled, a mildly amused tone to his voice.

“No I guess not,” Logan replied, “I’m just a pretty clueless person so I thought that you saw me as a coworker, maybe a friend, but nothing more.”

Roman smiled, a fondness reminiscent of the time before the awkward period after the confession. "Well, it took me a while to properly figure out what I was feeling… I guess I just didn't take into account that you hadn't thought about it or that you weren't ready for something like that." He smiled weakly.

Logan chewed at the inside of his bottom lip. “If I’m honest, I’m still not exactly sure what I feel here. I mean, I think I feel something, but what it is, what it means, that I don’t know yet. I tend to have trouble understanding emotions. Whether they are my own or someone else’s.”

Roman nodded. "It's okay, Lo, if you did want to be romantically involved with me, I most certainly wouldn't rush you," he said, his voice calm and comforting. "You are worth waiting for," he smiled, "and if you want me to help you figure it out, I'd be more than happy to."

Logan cheeks proceeded to flush bright pink, he was unsure what to think or say after this. He managed to find his tongue and cleared his throat before speaking. “This is kind of a lot for me to take in. But…” his voice trailed off for a moment, “I don’t hate the idea of maybe giving this a shot.” He gave Roman a tentative smile.

Roman smiled at this, visibly lighting up. "That's wonderful!" He paused, regaining his composure and pushing down some of his enthusiasm so as to not overwhelm Logan. The last thing he wanted was to scare him off and completely ruin his chances. "I mean… uh, that's really great," he said slowly.

Logan wasn’t entirely sure what he was getting himself into, but for once he didn’t really care. He really didn’t want to mess up his chances of this all actually working out. They spoke for a little while longer, then finally looking at the time they agreed that they should be getting home. Roman offered to drive him home and Logan readily accepted.

It took only a short while for them to drive home. The atmosphere between them was so much clearer and the foreboding sense of dread had almost completely dissipated. "Okay, we're here," Roman said, pulling up outside the quiet neighbourhood lined with small houses.

They both got out of the car, Roman walking with Logan as they made their way towards his apartment. Roman turned to Logan as they walked. "So, don't feel like you have to answer, but why exactly have you never been in a relationship before?" he asked.

“Oh um…” Logan stopped for a moment, they had reached his door at this point. “I guess I’ve just always felt like I’ve had my odds stacked up against me. Not only do I apparently come across as off-putting and globally unapproachable, I also had to be gay. I just never felt like it was worth it to put myself out there so I never did.” He felt sad and silly hearing himself say these things out loud. Shaking his head softly to try to clear his head he turned back to look at Roman. “What about you? How come it’s been so long since you’ve been in a relationship?”

Roman froze for a few seconds, swallowing harshly as if his words were stuck in his throat. "...I...I'm-...A while ago… well, there was a guy… As far as I knew, he was perfect, everything about him, I loved. Everything he did, I loved… simply because I didn't know any better. Then... he broke my heart. After my train wreck of a relationship inevitably ended, I was pretty much alone. I had Patton, but he was all I had. I became very lonely and closed off, tried therapy, but it didn’t really work out too well and I was too scared to even consider the idea of letting someone in again. Heck, they couldn't even find me a partner at work. Then, I met you...You..." He paused, bringing his hand up to wipe harshly at a tear that escaped and ran down his cheek.

Logan was taken aback by the intensity he saw in Roman’s eyes. It was jarring to see such strong emotions directed towards him. He swallowed hard, his voice catching in his throat. “What… What do you mean?”

Roman bit his lip, thinking for a few seconds. "Uhm… well, it was really hard to work with someone after so long of it just always being me. A little while after working with you, I started to get used to your presence… but I couldn't admit to myself that there was a fondness there, so I repressed it. God, those feelings scared me out of my mind, but I had this small part of me saying that I didn't need to worry and I guess I didn't mind it… What I'm trying to say, Lo is...that I...I found myself falling for you and I didn't know how the best way to go about fixing it would be." After he said this, he let a few tears fall freely. What did he have to lose, after all?

"But how?... I mean... I haven't even done anything, not really." Logan could feel tears building in his own eyes at this point. "If anything, you're the one who's been amazing to work with. Granted we didn’t exactly start off on the best foot, but I've never felt so... so accepted... like I don't need to feel bad for being myself. My social anxiety isn’t nearly so problematic when I’m around you... I don't feel so alone when I’m with you." Tears now fell down his cheeks. He fiddled with the cuff of his jacket, trying to keep himself grounded. "For the longest time I didn't think I truly was capable of feeling anything like that for anyone... and now..." his voice trailed off.

Roman smiled sadly, fiddling with his sleeve for a second. It took a moment's hesitation, but he slowly opened his arms as an offering for a hug. "Carry on, it's okay, I'm listening." He didn't move, he stayed there, giving Logan an inviting smile, but not pressuring him to take the step forward into his arms.

Generally not being one for physical touch, Logan broke that personal rule, leaning into Roman's embrace. He could feel the strong arms wrapping around him, pulling him close. Roman whispered to him soothingly as he tried to catch his breath. "I… I think… I think I might actually like you too," Logan finally managed to choke out.

Roman was concerned, but relief overtook it by a landslide. "Hey, hey, hey, shh it's okay. It's all gonna be okay, Logan," Roman said, holding him close to his chest. He could barely believe that he wasn't alone with his feelings and as painful as the last week had been, he considered it worth it for this outcome.

Logan hugged him back, melting into the sensation. He then suddenly remembered they were outside, in plain sight, in front of his door. He then stiffened and released from the hug. Part of him wondered if he should invite Roman inside, but he didn't know how that would go over, or if it was even appropriate at this stage.

Roman looked a little taken aback and slightly worried, but simply gave Logan a gentle half-smile and tilted his head to the side. "Are you okay? What happened?" A few thoughts in Roman's head told him he'd done something wrong, but he opted to ignore them and focus solely on Logan.

"I.. uh... um.." Logan gave a nervous laugh. "I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing. I just.. I literally have zero experience with this so I'm at a loss as to what to do here." He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. He glanced at his door then back at Roman. "You wouldn't um," Logan cleared his throat before continuing. "You wouldn't happen to want to... come inside... would you?" he asked cautiously. He thought he saw a look of panic in Roman's face at this. "Or, or not... nevermind.. forget I said anything, it was stupid.."

Roman shook his head lightly, sighing to himself, "No, no apologies Logan. Last time I heard that phrase it was...unwelcome, so I panicked. If you still want to, I'd be happy to spend some more time with you. I trust you, the situation however, it's a little unfamiliar in a...comfortable setting." He ducked his head a little, avoiding Logan's gaze, scared he might judge him or maybe even want to stop being around him. Oh god, this was all his fault.

Logan took a breath and let it out slowly. "How about we just leave this here... for today." He tried to catch Roman's gaze and managed to hold his eyes for a moment. "This has been a lot for both of us, and I think we'd better both sleep on it. But... I... I just want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. Not literally, I mean... because uh... I'm about to go into my house.. but like uh... you know what I mean.." Logan managed to stop his flustered ramble and thought he heard Roman chuckle.

Roman looked down at Logan, watching him mumble, as he continued rambling. "Logan, calm down." He took his hands and pulled the other close again. "We're okay, I know what you mean." He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to Logan's cheek. "If you don't want me to stay, I think I'm going to head home now, is that okay?" He asked, his voice gentle and his tone comforting with affection.

"Yeah, okay," Logan responded with a small breathy voice. He didn't really want Roman to go, but he knew that, at least for today, it was better that way. Roman let go of his hands and turned to go. Logan got out his keys and unlocked his door. Before going in, he turned one last time to Roman, "See you tomorrow." He then entered his apartment and shut the door. He leaned up against the door, shutting his eyes, trying to take the evening's events all in.

Once Roman was sure he was out of Logan's line of sight, his face split into the widest grin. He was far more enthusiastic now about his future chances with Logan. Oh, god, he is so sweet. He got into his car and drove home with an optimism that had been completely absent in his demeanor for the past couple of days. When he got home, he collapsed into a lovesick heap on his bed. The weight of that day pressed down onto his chest, but the general feeling wasn't actually unpleasant. "Maybe I'm not so unlucky, after all," he whispered to the air around him as if it could hear, or even respond.

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 8

Summary : Logan starts to realise that this whole situation might be slightly deeper than he originally anticipated.

CW: Content warnings: mention of nightmares, past trauma, rejection sensitive dysphoria, miscommunication.

Previous chapter From the beginning Next chapter Read on ao3

Chapter - Love Can Be Cruel

The next day at work, Roman walked in with clear signs of fatigue on his face. He was feeling tired, exhausted almost, and it wasn’t making him feel much better that he would have to sit in a room with Logan all day. He sat down at his desk, beginning to sort through some of his notes when his phone buzzed and he saw a message from Patton staring up at him. 'hey, Ro, I haven't heard from you about the situation with Logan, are you alright?'

At reading this, Roman froze, flicking through his call logs and looking through to the previous night. "Oh my god," Roman said, his eyes wide.

Logan ~ 01:03 - 54 minutes

Logan looked up at him at this exclamation. He raised an eyebrow questioningly, not daring to say anything though. Roman wouldn’t meet his eye and in the light of the fluorescents in their office it was pretty clear that he was blushing. “Is everything okay?” he finally managed to ask.

Roman swallowed hard, feeling his whole world slow to a halt. "You… I…" he paused, biting his lip. "Did I… C-Call you? Last night? God, I'm so sorry, I meant to call my brother," he said, his hands beginning to shake slightly as Logan finally looked him in the eye. He felt a panic building in his chest and he quickly made a move to excuse himself. "Excuse me, I need to just… One second."

Logan watched him leave the office, a lump forming in the back of his throat. It was clear to him that Roman had just figured out to whom he’d made his late night call. Part of him wished he would have been able to say something before Roman had left, but he had simply sat there completely useless. Not that he would have known what to say. What did one respond when one is discovered to have been on the receiving end of such a confession? About 15 minutes later Roman finally came back into the office, sitting down and seemingly resolute in not making eye contact. Logan couldn’t bring himself to say anything so he simply turned his attention back to his work, or at least he tried to.

Roman felt stupid. Or at least, mostly. He felt stupid, exhausted and above all else, hopeless. He dragged himself through the rest of that day and got all his paperwork done with little focus pulled off it. He skipped his lunch break and by the end of the day, it was evident on both his face and his posture that Roman had very nearly done a straight eight hours of paperwork.

Neither of the men had ended up saying another word for the rest of that day. They barely nodded to each in farewell before going their separate ways home. Logan dreaded to think that this was what their interactions were doomed to be for the foreseeable future. He got home and collapsed on his couch, staring at the ceiling as if desperately trying to find an answer in thin air. All he knew was that he was pretty sure of one thing. Not only did Roman like him, but he was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, he also liked Roman back. And that was the most terrifying thought of all.

A few days passed and over that short period the two found themselves stuck in the pit they'd managed to dig. It was only getting deeper and deeper, but they were both too afraid of what the reaction of the other person might be. It was five days after the initial incriminating phone call that they actually felt a slight change between them. The captain had sent them to a crime scene, however the crime scene was three hours away and neither one of them found driving overly entertaining. They climbed into the car, Roman in the driver's seat and Logan next to him. The silence in the car was deafening and Roman wasn't planning on saying anything. What would he even say? Oh, I'm sorry that I called you and drunkenly told you the insane extent that I'm crushing on you, thinking the whole time that I was talking to my brother.

The air hung still between the two of them as Logan flipped through their case file, trying his best to look busy. He’d been handed the file by the captain who gave them no other information than “Everything you need to know is in there.” Part of him felt like this had been done on purpose. Generally the captain would explain the case to the both of them before they headed out, this time he’d only given the address before leaving them to it. Now Logan had no choice but to speak so as to let Roman in as to what was awaiting them. “So um…” he finally managed to mutter, “We’re heading towards an old countryhouse that’s just burned down. The family all managed to get out though the father is still at the hospital in critical condition. We’re dealing with suspected arson here so we’ve got to check around for that.”.

Roman nodded, not turning to look at him, but simply saying, "Okay then be careful with what you say, try to prevent adding salt to the wound. Wouldn't want to give them mixed signals of our intentions." He frowned, staring at the road ahead of them with such an intense stare that it looked like he might mark the concrete with dark burns.

Logan glanced sideways at Roman. He sensed that those words were intended to have a deeper meaning and he didn’t really appreciate the passive aggressive tactic. Even though deep down he didn’t entirely blame Roman for doing so. He read off the rest of the information they had on the case before the awkward silence resumed for the rest of the trip there. They finally reached the site and saw the house, or rather what little left of it there was.

It was bad enough that they both had some tension swimming in the waters of their relationship, but with where Logan was mentally at the current time, it was not good for noticing social cues. Of course, Roman wasn't in a place to take this into consideration, so he just saw Logan being insensitive and it honestly made him angry. A few passive aggressive comments hidden in normal sentences were made and he forced himself to ignore the hurt looks on Logan's face. After they were done with the questioning, Logan walked off to get in the car. Whereas, Roman stayed back and proceeded to apologise to the family, telling them that, at times, his partner could be very cold and blunt. They all seemed to have some distaste for Logan, but thanked Roman and with a nod he climbed back into the car. The car was started without a word from Roman. He thought he heard Logan say something, but he had spaced out and was too focused on the growling of the engine to actually hear him.

It was clear to Logan that Roman wasn’t listening to him and it really frustrated him. As if it wasn’t enough that Roman had gone and made a big deal of his social inadequacy. “Oh sure, go ahead and ignore me. At least that’s better than bashing me behind my back.” He leaned back into his seat, crossing his arms as he stared sullenly out the window.

Roman flinched at the harsh tone, his face flashing with momentary fear. This whole situation brought him back to a place he didn't want to be in. The underlying anxiety had stayed with him. Making a home in the pit of his stomach and growing there like a poison, infecting his bloodstream. The feeling of uselessness at his inability to fix the situation was enough, but hearing someone angry at him was forever going to be something he struggled with. With some difficulty, he swallowed harshly, feeling like there was a lump slowly building in his throat. At noticing how difficult it was, he focused himself and took a breath, forcing back the anxiety, but not trusting his voice to form a reply.

Logan merely glanced over at Roman, only seeing that his partner seemed resolute in not answering him. “Wow you’re giving me the silent treatment now? Real mature,” he scoffed as he rolled his eyes. Roman was usually such a chatterbox, he sure had picked his moment to stay silent. Logan just couldn’t understand him and at this point he was just too tired to try anymore.

Roman bit his lip, his face scrunched up with the strain of holding himself together. He felt his fingernails dig into the steering wheel and fought the urge to make any kind of noise that would make him seem like some kind of wounded animal. He wanted to respond, to give Logan something so he felt heard, but he was just so scared. The anxious feeling was stealing all confidence from his being and making him feel stupidly vulnerable.

Logan was surprised by the look on Roman’s face. He couldn’t decipher it other than that it seemed to hold a pained expression. Although why that would be the case he couldn’t make any sense of. Sure he hadn’t said the nicest of things, but he’d expected Roman to get mad, not become quiet suddenly.

At Logan's, almost sudden silence, Roman turned briefly to look at him, forcing himself to snap out of it. "Sorry, Logan," he forced out. "What do you want?" he asked, he hadn't meant to sound quite so harsh, but it would have to do for now.

Logan knit his eyebrows at this, a perplexed look on his face. He opened and shut his mouth a few times before managing to simply let out, “You know what, just, nevermind.” They were obviously both not in the best of mindsets to have any sort of reasonable conversation so he thought best to just drop it. The rest of the ride was passed in silence, both stuck with their churning thoughts. They only took the time to stop quickly at the office to drop off the notes for the case before they went their separate ways home. Logan was relieved that it was finally the weekend, he didn’t know how much longer he could take this.

…….

Over the weekend, Roman felt the worst of the storm. The flair of anger that had been burning had long gone out and left him with heavy and cold regret. It felt like he had been a fire. He burned bright with an anger that was fuelled by the hurt he felt when he saw Logan, but now, he had been doused with chilled, frozen water. It was so, so lonely deep down in the caves of his mind. Thoughts of the past had only been reinforced by his torturous nightmares and it made him sick to think that he'd go back on Monday and make this worse. So, when Monday actually rolled around, he didn't want to go. He stayed in bed, trying to recover from his latest haunting night terror.

Logan went in to work on that Monday carrying a sense of dread that had almost kept him from leaving home that morning. He walked into the office to see that Roman wasn’t there, which he found was rather odd. While it happened on occasion that Logan was the first one there, on most days he arrived to work to Roman already there. He settled himself in and started to work, he had to put in their previous day’s notes into the system so he set himself to that. Losing track of time, it took him a while to realize that Roman still hadn’t shown up. It was shortly after 10 oclock when Virgil walked into the office, taking Logan completely by surprise. “What are you doing here?” he asked, rather bluntly.

Virgil's gaze raised up from the floor where he was staring. He took off his headphones and slipped them down to rest on his neck. He raised an eyebrow in Logan's direction, an underlying scowl in his eyes. He walked over to Roman's desk, shuffling through the drawers and pulling out a few papers, scrolling through his phone and nodding to himself as he found the papers he was looking for. "I don't see why that is any of your business," he said, briefly looking up from the desk to give Logan a sharp look before returning back to the paper sprawled across the desk.

“Uh, excuse me, but this is my office. Also why are you going through Roman’s things?” Logan responded, utterly confused as to what was happening.

Virgil sighed, flipping through the papers. He was kind of hoping for the office to be empty, but since Logan was there, he was half tempted to ignore him completely. "I'm aware of that, I didn't get lost, " Virgil snarked.

Logan's brows creased into a frown. “No seriously, why are you here? Did Roman send you?” He was starting to feel rather unnerved, this all felt really wrong.

Virgil narrowed his eyes, finally relenting. "I have to get some things for Roman," he said reluctantly, "He's not coming in today."

“Wait what, why?” Logan was now no longer angry at Virgil, he was actually starting to get worried. If Roman wasn’t coming in then that meant something serious was going on.

Virgil sighed, looking up to meet Logan's eyes and raising an eyebrow as if checking for bad intentions. "He's not in the best of states is all, he'll probably be in tomorrow," he said, biting his lip, "I don't know about you, but honestly, I'm far more concerned about his mental state than his work patterns."

Logan was confused by this. “What? What do you mean?” he asked, looking at Virgil intently, knitting his eyebrows in worry. He couldn’t understand what could warrant Roman feeling this bad.

Virgil sighed, "It's not my place to tell you, far from it, in fact," he trailed off. "Lately, Roman's time at work has been far from easy and I don't think it would be safe or possible for him to come in today."

“This can’t all be my fault now, can it?” Logan stuttered out. “I mean, I know I messed up, but I wouldn’t have thought he’d take it so hard.”

"Well, Roman didn't take it well anyway. He… doesn't do well with rejection as it is, but with you, I-... I haven't seen him that positive about being romantic with someone in such a long time… Over five years, actually," he winced, putting the papers into a folder.

Logan’s mind was reeling from this information, trying to connect all the dots. “Wait a minute… when, when Roman called, by accident that is… he mentioned something about it being 4 years since he’d fallen for someone…” He bit his lip, he didn’t like the foreboding feeling that was looming in the pit of his stomach.

Virgil's face twisted with something so unrecognisable, yet so sad. "Yes… he was telling the truth. Roman doesn't-… He doesn't fall in love often, not anymore. He's too scared… But he was so happy when he spoke about you…" Virgil said, his voice peaked with that same strong sadness. Eventually, he shook his head, snapping himself out of it. "Now, I've really got to get these back to Roman. If you're wanting to fix this, text me," he said, giving Logan a nod and slipping a small bit of paper onto his desk, a few numbers written across it.

Logan nodded to him and watched Virgil leave. Picking up the piece of paper from the desk he stared at it for a moment, pondering how this could possibly end up making the situation better. Then again, it definitely couldn’t make it worse, or at least he hoped not. Later that day he decided to text Virgil asking him if he could meet him at the café after work so they could talk. He really didn’t want this situation to draw out any longer than it had to. Virgil responded to let him know that he would be expecting him later that day. The end of the day finally arrived and Logan left to go to the café, hoping to make sense of this all and to hopefully be able to tell his side of the story.

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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A Pirates Life (For Us) - Chapter 4

Summary : Logan's foolishness and egoism almost get Remus killed and he's finally realising it's time to start thinking with his heart a little more, but it doesn't last long. Luckily, his crew is there to keep him in check.

CW: stabbing, knives, injury, near death experience, abandonment, guilt

Previous chapter From the beginning Next chapter Read on ao3

Chapter 4 - Left Behind

Little did Remus know, his day was about to get so much worse. A guy from the corner of the bar stood up and walked over, putting a hand on Remus’ shoulder and looking down at him. “Hey there.” he smirked, “So, you know captain Logan, huh?” he asked.

Remus wanted to say yes, but the glint in his eye told Remus he really shouldn’t tell them anything. Remus shifted uncomfortably, he was such a terrible liar, there was no way he was getting out of this one. “No…”

The man smirked and two other men came up behind Remus, grabbing him as they began walking out of the bar and down the street back down to the docks. “You’re coming with us,” one of the men said as they began dragging him down a sideroad.

Remus tried to protest but was immediately silenced with a gag around his mouth as they continued dragging him along. He did his best to struggle against his assailants, kicking and thrashing until the first man came and gave him a swift hit to the side of the head, promptly knocking him out cold. Thus unimpeded the men carried him down all the way to the docks where they stopped by the side of a ship.

It was then that Remus started slowly coming back to himself. He saw as the first man who apprehended him, clearly, the leader of the group went forward towards the plank that connected the ship to the loading dock. Once he was halfway up he called out to the men that were milling about on the deck. “Where is your captain? I have something here that I think he would be very interested in seeing,” he barked with a laugh.

Something cold was pressed up against Remus’ throat and he made an effort to stay still, suspecting it was a cutlass not unlike Logan’s. He watched on with fearful eyes as Logan came from his cabin out onto the desk, an expression on his face that could be described as nothing but fiery.

Remus looked up at him with a timid expression and as Logan met his eyes, there was a flicker of something softer before his expression hardened once more. The man stood in front of Remus then spoke up, his voice a drawl. “Afternoon, Captain,” he smiled, something so cold and terrifying about his smile caused a shiver to run down Remus’ spine, but Logan looked unnerved.

“What do you want?” he snarled, his voice cold and a far cry from the way Remus usually heard Logan speak with him. Logan’s crew were on edge too, some of them even having their hand on their revolvers in case they needed to defend the ship. Logan looked furious. Appalled even.

“Well, you see, you never did make right on that deal from the island off of Barbados. I’m just here for proper restitution. But this time I made sure to find proper incentive,” the man cackled as he backed down towards Remus once more. He casually took out a wicked-looking dagger and pressed its tip to Remus’ chest. “I hear this one finally made you soft,” he sneered as he stared Logan straight in the eyes even from a distance.

Logan didn’t flinch, his eyes not even showing a glint of remorse. “Oh, him? He was a bargaining chip for the last deal I did so they wouldn’t get any ideas. I let him go because his crew held up their end of the deal and in the end, they didn’t even wait for him to get on board.” Logan smirked, that same calm stare burning into the other man’s eyes as he searched Logan’s face for anything that might indicate a feeling of some kind, but he found nothing.

Once he realised he wasn’t getting anywhere with Logan, he became frustrated and shoved Remus back against the cobbled path, planting a foot in the centre of his chest as Remus closed his eyes, preparing for the worst. “Logan, this is your last chance. Give us what you owe or we’ll make sure your little lover boy here never again sees the light of day.”

There wasn’t even a hint on a change in Logan’s expression as silence reigned all around. After a few more seconds passed the man finally lost his temper and with a yell, he turned on Remus and stabbed into his side. Remus yelped, paralysed with momentary panic, then writhing in on himself causing the man to lose his grip on the dagger which remained lodged in the flesh.

Not a moment later Logan had jumped over the side of the boat and spanned the distance between them. His eyes flashed wildly as he proceeded to take down the three assailants before any of them had the time to realize what was happening. Mere moments later they lay dead at his feet before he crouched down to assess Remus’ state. “No, no, no…” Logan muttered as he looked down at the blanched face and saw the dagger still in place.

Remus was groaning, struggling to keep his eyes open. The last thing he was aware of before losing consciousness was of Logan’s face, his eyes brimming with tears as he called out his name over and over.

******************

Logan and a few other members of his crew quickly made their way to the closest inn, asking for a doctor. They took Remus upstairs and put him on a bed, Logan still looking panicked and entirely unable to keep his composure as he paced rapidly back and forth. Once the doctor arrived, the rest of Logan’s crew was ushered away and Logan stayed by Remus’ side, The captain’s hand clasped tightly to Remus’.

The doctor managed to patch Remus up, cleaning the wound with hot water and a rag and giving him stitches, but Remus had suffered a certain degree of blood loss and was still unconscious, his condition not yet entirely stable.

Two days passed and Remus was not yet awake, but Logan hadn’t left his side once. The captain mainly refused to eat and barely slept either, only once giving into sleep and falling asleep on Remus’ arm, his hand still tightly holding the other man’s.

Remus didn’t wake up until the afternoon of the third day. Dallas, one of the crew members that had decided to stay told him the doctor had been in to check on Remus and that he was okay.

Dallas was one of the longer-term crew members and had been with Logan for years, being friends with him back when he and Logan were teenagers. He hadn’t seen Logan this emotional towards someone in such a long time and the last time he had...well, it was the reason Logan became so cold in the first place.

He hoped sincerely that Remus would be okay, he knew that Logan wouldn’t be able to take another loss. Not one like this that was. Remus’ presence had brought him to hope that Logan might once again learn how to feel, it couldn’t end, not now. While he tried to get Logan to rest some more, assuring him once again that Remus would be fine, the captain refused and headed back once again to Remus’ room.

************************

Logan had been sitting by the bedside for a few hours, alternating between nodding off and watching Remus intently, almost willing him to wake up. Suddenly Remus was stirring, a soft pained groan escaping his lips.

Logan raised his gaze once again to his face and saw Remus’ eyes flutter open. His gaze was hazy and confused until he managed to focus on Logan who had pulled himself closer to Remus. He took a shallow and somewhat painful intake of air before a small smile spread across his lips as he looked up at Logan.

Logan looked back at him, for a second looking as if he didn’t know what to do with himself. His eyes brimmed with tears and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Remus as he let the feeling of relief sink in. He finally spoke, his voice coming out weak and slightly rough.

“Y-You’re...You’re okay…” Logan breathed, as if not quite believing it himself. “God...You’re okay…” With that soft comment, he leaned forward and with care to not hurt him, he enveloped the other man in a tight hug, the smell of the ocean surrounding Remus as Logan’s arms did.

Remus’ voice came next, rough with disuse as he smiled weakly back up at Logan. “Well, it takes a lot more than that to bring me down,” he mumbled, managing an awkward half-smirk.

One of Logan’s hands found its way to Remus’ cheek and rested there for a moment as he looked down at him, almost with disbelief and he leaned down and kissed him, completely out of control of his own emotions and giving in to the impulse he’d not been entirely unfamiliar to. One of his hands planted itself next to Remus’ head to hold him up and Remus squeaked softly but kissed back despite his surprise.

The kiss lingered for a moment longer before Logan pulled away. They were both silent, simply content to be looking at each other, a soft smile on both their faces. The moment came to an abrupt end when the door of the room opened and the doctor walked in to check in on Remus. “Well look who’s finally awake,” he said with a broad smile as Logan moved aside so the doctor could examine Remus more closely.

As he stood peering over the doctor’s shoulder, the reality of what he’d just down upon Logan like a pile of boulders. He suddenly couldn’t breathe and left the room rather quickly, bumping into Dallas as he passed through the door. The look on his face made his old friend worry for a moment before he assured him that everything was alright and that Remus was actually awake.

In the time it took Dallas to break into a smile and let out an exclamation of relief Logan had readjusted his facial expression to mirror this happiness. Logan waited outside the room sometime longer until the doctor came back out. He then went to talk with him and was relieved to hear that Remus was well on the mend and would likely be fully recovered within a few weeks of proper rest.

Logan thanked him profusely and paid him generously for his services. Once the doctor was gone he stared at the open door of the room for a long while. He was at war with himself where on one hand he wanted nothing more than to see Remus, but on the other felt that doing so would be a mistake. After years of suppressing his emotions, he’d finally let go and he felt certain at that moment that if he stayed they would be the death of him.

After a short few minutes of contemplation, Logan decided he had to leave. Remus would be fine. He had paid plenty for Remus to be taken care of and he couldn’t face him for a few reasons, some more selfish than others. He told himself he wasn’t going back in an attempt to protect Remus. As a way for him to distance himself from the other man and make sure he’d be safe.

The logic was there...sort of… If Remus stayed away, he’d be safer than if he was on the ship. He’d be able to do whatever he wanted. Deep down, however, Logan knew that wasn’t the reason he was leaving. He was leaving because he couldn’t face opening up again, he was leaving because he was scared of losing another person he held dear. It was selfish, but he wasn’t sure he could do any better.

Once everything had been figured out for Remus’ care Logan headed back to the ship and ordered for them to depart immediately. While the crew was somewhat surprised with this they all readily complied. A few questioned him as to why they weren’t waiting for Remus to return with them, many of them have noticed how much the man meant to the captain. Logan silenced their questions by telling them that he had a new mission for them that had to be handled immediately and that they would return at a later time to find Remus once he was properly recovered.

What he didn’t tell them was that he actually had no intention of returning once Remus was healed, nor anytime later after that either for that matter. All he wanted was to put as much distance as possible between him and the port. As the ship sailed off he kept his eyes fixed out towards the water, resolute in not looking back.

*************************************************

Remus had been surprised to not see Logan return after the doctor had left him. He didn’t have much of a chance to dwell on it though as he was still terribly exhausted and proceeded to fall asleep within moments. He awoke the next day feeling both better and worse. While his mind was clearing up and he didn’t feel so fatigued, his body ached to a degree like it never had. With difficulty, he managed to rise out of the bed and take a few steps before he had to lean heavily on the doorframe for support.

It was there that the innkeeper found him as he was bringing Remus up some food. After chastising him and sending him off to bed, Remus asked the innkeeper about Logan. Although the memory was rather fuzzy in his mind, he held on to distinct details of the kiss he had shared with the captain. He had so many questions buzzing in his mind that he wanted to ask Logan and was impatient to have a chance to do so.

The warm feeling in his chest disappeared quickly however when the innkeeper proceeded to inform him that the ship was already gone. He was seized with a moment of panic as to how he would afford his stay at the inn until he was assured that it had all been taken care of already and that he had nothing to worry about for several weeks. Once Remus was left to himself in his room he lay staring at the ceiling, his heart feeling like it was being shattered into tiny pieces.

Logan had left him behind, therefore he was just another person who had decided to abandon Remus without a second thought. He’d been so stupid to think for even a moment that Logan could actually care about him. Logan was a feared and respected pirate captain, Remus was just a nobody. And yet, he had also taken the time to make sure that Remus’ recovery would pass as comfortably as possible. So maybe he did care? At least maybe just a little? Remus fell into a troubled sleep as he tried to unravel the mixed signals and feelings.

***********************

Over the time Remus was slowly finishing his recovery all while dealing with his turmoil, Logan’s ship was getting further and further away, moving steadily away from the port. With every stretch they went, Logan seemed more and more off. He’d space out a lot of the time and seemed to be taking any idea that came up and making a large list of places and things they could do on their voyage.

It seemed that as soon as they were done with one thing, Logan had ten more things he wanted to do and the crew couldn’t help but notice that Logan was clearly making distractions for himself and they also had a hunch Remus was involved. Eventually, though, they always shook it off because they’d be going back for Remus shortly, so it would be fine… right?

One particularly dreary day, Logan stormed out of his cabin, making a beeline for the navigator. He looked over the map and grumbled to himself before looking up. “Mark the map here, that’s our next destination,” he grumbled, pointing at a position on the map, almost on the opposite end of the map to the docks. It was miles out from their current position and would take days to get there.

Zaid looked unsure whether to say something, not wanting to anger the captain or make him worse since he already seemed to be in a deplorable mood. Just as he was leaning over to mark the map, Dallas interjected with a confused frown on his face.

“With all due respect captain, don’t we have to go pick up Remus?” he asked, being the only person even remotely willing to stand up to Logan, even with how horrendous his temperament seemed to be that day.

Logan’s head snapped up to glare at his old friend. “No, we do not,” he responded in a dry sharp tone. Dallas opened his mouth to say something before being cut off by the captain. “I don’t want to hear another word of that scraggly pathetic poor excuse for a bargaining chip, is that clear?” he snapped, eyes flashing wildly as he slammed his hands down on the table.

Neither of the men responded, nor did they dare try to look him in the eyes as Logan continued to glare them down, daring them to say another word. “Good,” Logan said, a note of finality in his voice. “Change the course, I want to be headed to our destination effective immediately.” With this, he left to return to his quarters. Once the door was closed his facade crumpled as he slumped to sit on the floor, fatigued and sadness tainting his features.

Back on the deck Zaid and Dallas were eyeing each other warily after Logan’s departure. After a few beats of silence, Dallas finally spoke up. “Alright, fuck it,” he stated, “I’ve had it with this bullshit, we need to fix the captain’s mess because he sure as hell ain’t gonna do it ‘imself.” Dallas huffed, “Remus is gonna be healed in a few days, we need ta get back to the docks or Logan’s gonna lose his mind.”

“You’re tellin ‘im then cuz I ain't doing it,” Zaid retorted, “You gotta death wish then be my guest.” The navigator saw a shift on Dallas’ face, a look he couldn’t quite understand.

“Oh no,” Dallas said with a mischievous gleam in his eye, “We’re not gonna be givin ‘im a choice. I say it’s ‘bout time for a good ol mutiny.”

Zaid’s eyes widened momentarily before he furrowed his eyebrows, “You sure that’s a good idea?” he asked, appearing slightly sheepish.

“Look Zaid, I know Logan, he’s fuckin stubborn as a mule and will never change his mind for fear of lookin weak for doubtin ‘imself. Acceptin someone tellin him no would be fuckin impossible." Dallas replied, reaching down and squeezing Zaid’s hand, giving him a reassuring look. “S’ gonna be fine, Zaid.”

Zaid responded with a nod and Dallas took that as a signal to move forward with his plan. Logan would thank him later...probably.

***Please let us know if you would like to be added to a taglist for this fic

#intrulogical #sanders sides #sanders side fic #thomas sanders #logan sanders #remus sanders #fanfic #fanfiction #pirate au #gay fic #multiple chapters #long reads #ao3 #cw: stabbing #cw: near death experience #a pirates life for us #chapter 4

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 7

Summary : Roman asks Logan a big question, but doesn't get the reaction he was expecting... Will an accidental drunken confession fix everything?

CW: rejection, anger, arguing, alcohol, drunk main character

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Chapter 7 - Accidents Can Sometimes Be A Good Thing

That evening, when Roman went home, he felt even more optimistic about his chances. He was becoming slightly worried when he realised that he might have a crush on a guy that couldn't possibly be into him, not only because he wasn't attracted to him specifically, but because he wasn't even gay. Roman got in, closing the door and dropping his bag by the coffee table. He flopped down on the couch and sighed, picking up his phone and dialing Patton's number. The phone rang a few times, the shrill noise buzzing through Roman's head until it abruptly stopped, the shuffling of a phone being moved on the other end of the line was heard as he greeted his brother. "Hey, Pat!"

“Hey Ro! How are you? How was your day?” Patton responded with a happy chipper voice.

"I'm...actually pretty good," he smiled. "I spoke to Logan today," he said, feeling like a teenager again as he gossiped with his brother about cute boys. “That’s fantastic! You sound so happy, I’m glad to hear you like this. When are you going to ask him out?”

Roman hummed, "I'm not sure...I guess I'm still a little worried about what might happen..." he sighed, running his hand through his hair. "This is still very different and I guess I just don't want to fall into the same dangerous habits as before."

“Well you definitely don’t want to do that… but I don’t think that would happen here. Listen, I don’t know why, but I get the feeling this is going to end up going well for you.”

"Yeah, me too," Roman sighed, "I really think he's worth it and I'm also pretty certain that he's gay which means I have a chance at least." He hummed, "I think I'm going to ask him after work tomorrow."

“I’m rootin for you Ro. Let me know how it goes after I want to hear all about it!”

Roman smiled, "Well...thanks Pat, and...if this does go badly, you'll be there right?" he said, biting his lip and letting some of his internalised vulnerability seep through.

“Of course I will. I always have and always will. With everything we’ve been through it isn’t now that that’s going to change.”

Roman smiled, "Thank you, Pat, I appreciate that." They then said their goodbyes and Roman went to make dinner before eating and heading up to bed. He curled up under the bedcovers and tried to picture what might lay ahead for him in the next day.

The next day at work Logan and Roman got a new case and were checking out the crime scene. It took most of the morning and early afternoon before they were back at the office to compile the different information. Logan was at this desk, furiously typing away at his keyboard. His brows were furrowed in concentration as he sorted and organized all their notes from that morning.

Roman had been smiling all day. Nervous energy was building in his stomach and he could feel himself getting more and more excited and nervous. His eyes seemed to carry genuine happiness and he was enjoying the feeling while it lasted. He got all his work done with an amazing amount of motivation. It had been a little while since he'd felt like this, but he'd always been a person who felt so much more motivated when he had something to look forward to.

Logan couldn’t help but notice that Roman seemed to be in an oddly good mood that day. Usually when they went to visit a crime scene he was rather quiet and distant. However, Roman kept shooting him smiles throughout their work day. He would have sworn he’d caught him staring at him multiple times as they worked at their respective desks. Once they reached the end of the day he could see that Roman was still grinning to himself. “Well you seem to be in a really good mood today,” Logan remarked, half amused and half confused as he packed his things to go home.

Roman beamed to himself, picking up his things and swinging his bag onto his shoulder, "Yeah, I am in a good mood." He smiled, looking down to the floor for a few seconds and then back up at Logan, "Actually if you don't mind, I'd really like to talk to you?"

“Uh yeah sure okay. What is it?” He grabbed his own bag as he headed for the door. Roman opened the door for him and they headed towards the parking lot, their steps matching pace as they walked.

Roman felt a small knot build in his chest as he smiled at Logan warmly. The pair of them stopping just out of the way of the stairs. Roman led him a little further away to where his car was parked and leaning against his vehicle, looking at Logan with a fondness that melded with the nervousness. "So, I know this may seem a little out of nowhere," he smiled, looking away for a second and then back up to Logan's eyes after his short pause. "But, you're a really cool person, Logan, and if you'd let me... I'd love to get to know you better. I've been wondering if perhaps you would be interested in going on a date with me?"

Logan’s eyes widened in shock as his mind attempted to process Roman’s words. This was completely unexpected to him, never in a million years had he seen this coming. His mind was racing as he tried to form a semblance of a coherent sentence. “Wh-what?” he finally managed to stutter. “Wh-why? Why would you even? I just, I don’t… I… I’m sorry I have to go…” He practically ran off at this point, his flight reflex getting the better of him.

Roman blinked a few times, his mouth slightly agape as he rested his back against the car, using it as the only thing left in his vicinity to tie himself down to reality. He opened the car door, climbing into the driver's seat and clutching the wheel. He felt the memory of what had just happened replaying in his head again and again as he racked his brain for what he could have done wrong. He’d just looked at him with such shock and surprise. Though, now that he gave himself a moment to think about it, he never really would have had a chance with Logan anyway. He turned the key in the ignition, bringing the car to life and slowly driving home, a numb look in his eyes.

Logan felt like he was walking through a haze the whole time he made his way home. Once he finally made it through the door he simply shut it before leaning up against it and sliding down to the floor. “What just happened?” he spoke aloud into the empty room. No one had ever asked Logan out, he wasn’t the one that others would flirt with and he most certainly wasn’t the person to do the flirting. All he knew was that he most definitely did not react appropriately. Running away was a terrible move and he deeply regretted it. He roughly passed a hand over his face, still in disbelief. Did this mean that Roman actually liked him? Logan had thought that he was just being nice, but maybe he had meant more than what he’d been letting on. Well this is new, he thought to himself.

Roman got home, his car pulling into the driveway and he got out, half-heartedly closing the car door. He walked inside, collapsing down onto his couch and laying there for a few seconds. Looking up at the clock on the wall, he felt that every tick drilled into his skull. A headache was burning behind his eyes and his eyes themselves, stung with unfallen tears. It hurt so much worse than he remembered. As time went by, Roman decided it was probably better to isolate himself for a few hours. He didn't particularly want to talk to anyone and though the idea of calling Patton or Virgil for comfort seemed pleasant, he didn't want to bother them.

Logan had an appointment with his therapist that evening which he was extremely relieved about. If there was a time as any where he needed a session now would be it. He’d been going to see Dr. Emile Picani for years now and he had seen him through a fair share of life events. However none such as today’s and Logan desperately needed someone to talk to. He recounted the whole incident, still feeling in shock as he told the story. “I feel terrible now… I just… it really took me by surprise…”

Picani smiled at him fondly, internally highly amused by the whole situation. “What do you feel terrible about exactly? Your running off or your rebuffing of his affections?” It then hit Logan, he’d been so preoccupied that Roman had feelings for him that he hadn’t stopped to think what his own were in that moment. Wait a minute...do I actually like him back?

......

About three hours later, Roman decided he'd done enough moping and was instead going to do some self deprecating whining to Patton instead. He called his brother and got some comfort, but unlike usual, his brother's consolation didn't do much to ease his mind. That night, he slept so much worse than the excited anticipation filled slumber he'd been blessed with the previous night.

Logan was apprehending going to work the next morning. He knew that he could expect Roman to be upset, he had run off on him after all. To what extent however was still to be determined. Thing was, he wasn’t exactly sure what to do to remedy the situation. The prior evening’s revelation on Roman’s part still felt very fresh and he really wasn’t sure how he felt about it all. Mentally preparing himself for whatever might happen, he walked into the office.

Roman walked into the office that morning twirling a pen in his hands. He sat down at his desk, hunching over and taking a sip of his coffee. There was a sizable pile of paperwork to be done that Roman honestly, had no motivation to do whatsoever. He sat for a while, just tapping his pen lightly against his hand, unable to keep still and feeling increasingly restless. The whole day he had made an effort to avoid Logan's gaze and when he did meet it once or twice, he quickly flashed him what must have been the fakest looking smile, before pointing his head back down to work.

The fact that Roman was simply quiet made Logan that much more nervous. He’d expected to get a cold shoulder or something that would perceptibly show him that Roman was upset. Instead, he was just a duller, less lively version of himself, which made Logan feel that much worse. He hated that Roman was clearly holding back just how upset he was, trying so hard to keep a brave face, despite it not being completely successful. Neither dared say anything, and Logan didn’t know where to even start to attempt to make things right. How did one even go about apologizing in this sort of situation?

As soon as it was time for their lunch break, Roman hurried out of the room. His eyes were glued to the floor and he didn't dare look back at Logan until he knew he was out of his eyeline. He was visually hunched over, his usual well iterated posture forgotten as he clearly looked too troubled to think. He walked outside, sitting down on the stone stairs and holding his chin up against both of his hands, both of them balled into tight fists. Resting his head against the cold metal railing next to him, he heaved out a sigh. He honestly wasn't sure how much longer he could sit in that room knowing that simply his presence was bringing the mood down, but it wasn't like he could just leave.

Logan had seen Roman leave the building, his entire demeanor so unlike his usual self. He sat at his desk for a moment, debating whether or not he should follow him. Finally he steeled himself to get up and head outside. Pushing the door his gaze immediately fell upon Roman sitting on the steps. Taking a deep breath he made his way down and took a seat next to him. He glanced nervously towards Roman who refused to meet his gaze. “Hey um, could we… could we maybe talk… I-I know I owe you at the very least an explanation.”

"Yeah, no shit," Roman muttered, pausing for a few seconds and then huffing. "What did you exactly want? I don't know if you’ve noticed, but I'm just taking a moment to myself," he said, a slight glower on his face.

“I..uh..um...” Logan swallowed, trying to get his thoughts into order. “Look, I’m really sorry about that, about running off I mean. It’s just, I really wasn’t expecting it, y-you asking me out that is... and I guess I sort of panicked.”

Roman turned to look at Logan, narrowing his eyes slightly. "You panicked?" he scoffed, pushing himself up and off the stairs, clearly not caring to show stability anymore. "Nevermind then, it's all okay, everyone," he chuckled dryly. "False alarm, Logan just panicked," he snapped, turning on his heel to face him with a burning glare.

Logan could feel the heat rising in his cheeks at Roman’s words. “Woah, where did that come from?” He was taken aback by the biting tone in his voice. “Look, I’m aware I didn’t react the best way, okay? You don’t have to be so insolent. Geez, you are so melodramatic. I don’t even know why I’m trying to explain myself. You’ve obviously made up your mind about me.” The feeling of tears beginning to sting his eyes just seemed to make the matter worse.

Roman flinched, his eyes sharpening, even though his face stayed resolute, still set with anger. "What do you mean I've made up my mind? I was just trying to-... I was just… Ugh, why does it even matter?" he sighed, running a hand roughly through his hair, pulling at the strands, his eyes momentarily squeezing shut.

Logan was too busy trying to hold it together to be able to form any coherent thought at that moment, let alone alone a coherent sentence.“I… I… I just,” he stammered. He knew that if he persisted on trying to explain he would just start crying and he was not about to do that at that moment. “You know what, never mind.” He got up and turned around to go back up the stairs.

Roman scowled, his eyes dark with anger, a pool of fire bubbling around him as he felt exhausted and completely ready to burst into flames. "Right, go on then, run away. That did you so much good last time," he said, gritting his teeth as he watched Logan walk away for the second time that week.

Logan ran back inside, slamming the door behind him as he went to hide in the bathroom. He’d lost track of how long he’d been in there when he heard footsteps outside the stall. “Son, I think it might be best if you just went home this afternoon,” the voice of the captain reaching him, not mad nor concerned, simply spoken very matter of factly. He went back to his office to see that Roman wasn’t there at that moment, which was all the better really. He quickly grabbed his things and took his leave.

Roman had been sitting upstairs in one of the quieter offices. His head was spinning and when he returned back downstairs, Logan was gone. It was probably for the best, but it hurt to know he was the reason for Logan's breakdown of sorts. Even though he wanted so badly to be angry, and wanted so badly to take those insults to heart and just be upset and offended, he couldn't. The look in Logan's eyes had been fearful, this fact alone was enough to make Roman feel awful.

A few hours later, he was sitting in his living room, hunched over a bottle of whiskey. His phone was on the couch next to him and he kept staring at it, debating whether to call Patton or just lay there and wallow in his own self pity. He eventually relented, the bottle being placed down and released from Roman's closed fist and he picked up his phone, fumbling with it to dial the number.

Logan was at home, curled up on his couch, desperately trying to get a hold of himself yet again. He was startled out of his trance when his phone rang from the bedroom where he’d left it. Stumbling as he got up, he went to see who in the world could possibly be calling him. He never got any calls and especially not at 1am. The glowing screen showed that it was Roman. His eyebrows furrowed as he pondered whether he should answer. What in the world would warrant Roman calling him? Finally his curiosity got the better of him and he picked up. “Hello?” He answered, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

Roman sighed out, "Hey, Patton, guess what?" he asked. "You'll never guess what happened at work today?" he drawled, bitter sarcasm heavy in his tone along with the mildly slurred speech gifted by the alcohol seething in his bloodstream.

It was clear to Logan that Roman hadn’t realised he’d called the wrong person. At that moment the last thing he wanted was to hear Roman ranting to his brother about how much he hated him. “I’m not-”

"I messed up, Patton," Roman sighed, running his hands through his hair for what must have been the hundredth time. "I messed up big time, I made him cry for god's sake," he muttered. "I just got so hurt and it turned defensive… I really didn't want to hurt him, but I was so scared Pat," he mumbled, curling in on himself, slightly.

That definitely wasn’t what Logan had been expecting to hear him say. Were the surprises never going to end? He was weighing whether he should say something when Roman continued on his sad rant.

"I just got carried away, I guess, I probably shouldn't have even tried in the first place. It's just my luck that the first person I let myself fall for, after four years of feeling so lonely I couldn't deal with it anymore, isn't interested. And of course he isn't interested, I'm useless," he sighed. "I couldn't even ask him on a date right," he frowned.

Logan was speechless, his mouth hanging open in disbelief. All this time he’d thought that Roman couldn’t possibly have been serious, that he couldn’t possibly actually like him. If anything he’d almost been afraid that it had all been a cruel joke. Now listening to Roman speak, clearly intoxicated and therefore stripped of his inhibitions, he could see that he truly did care about him. Logan wasn’t sure what to do with this new information.

Roman frowned, "I just thought that maybe this time could be different, I guess…" he trailed off, sniffling and rubbing at his eyes fiercely. "But, it might just be that I got stuck on how amazing he is. Honestly, Patton, he's got the prettiest green eyes that you've ever seen in your life," he started, another tear slipping down his cheek. "He does this adorable thing where he pushes his glasses up his nose and wrinkles it up, it is the sweetest thing." He paused, a quiet shifting noise being audible over the phone before he let out a dramatic sigh. "I've got it bad, Pat, I'm not sure if I can just carry on, I'm a mess," he pouted, his hand resting over his eyes and forehead.

Logan proceeded to listen to Roman ramble for at least half an hour, a fond smile growing on his face, cheeks slowly flushing more and more. When Roman finally reached the end of his string of thoughts, he wished Logan, or rather Patton, goodnight and then hung up. At this point it was 2 in the morning, but Logan was far from being able to fall asleep, Roman’s words still floating in his mind.

*** Tag list (let us know if you would like to be added or removed): @crossiantgay

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 6

Summary : Logan and Roman's relationship seems to only be going uphill, the two's friendship developing into mutuality when Roman has a realisation... Will this new factor change everything between them or will nothing change? Will whatever comes of this be good? Could this be the start of something much bigger between them?

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Chapter 6 - A Blossoming Friendship

Roman drove them over to the restaurant. Conversation being pretty natural for him, he hoped to encourage Logan to try and have fun. It was difficult to talk to Logan when he just stuck to short answers or looked as if he didn't know what to say. Roman decided to just try and talk about something less personal and more within Logan's territory. "So, I actually didn't know much about astronomy before so I had to research for your gift and it all seems really cool," he hummed. "But I didn't exactly understand how the scale of planets works out. The numbers get all jumbled in my head and I don't exactly have much to compare it to. Physical examples I can see make it much easier for me to comprehend sizing.”

“Yeah space is kind of huge,” Logan chuckled, slowly relaxing as they drove. “I mean just starting with the sun is complicated. If we thought of the earth being the size of a pea, the sun in comparison would be about the size of a beach ball. So just that as a sizing difference makes making any scale model of the solar system really hard to do accurately. Then there’s not only the matter of the size of the planets themselves but also the relative distance between them all which is insane.” He proceeded to rant about space to his heart’s content until they reached the restaurant.

Roman smiled, it seemed to be working a little better now. Things were nice and the conversation, though an awkwardness lingered over it, seemed a lot lighter. When they were done, Roman smiled over at Logan. He was laughing and it was capturing almost all of his attention. He hadn't seen Logan laugh like that before and it was so amazing to see him happy. Roman drove him home and as they sat in the car, just outside his house, Roman looked over at him. "That was a lot of fun, thank you for letting me take you, Logan. I appreciate your company out of work...it's actually really pleasant, you're a really cool person, Logan" he smiled.

Logan snorted at this, “I don’t think anyone’s ever told me that.” Most people found him at best off-putting if not outright dry and emotionally unavailable. It was nice to spend time with someone who was able to see beyond that. “But yes, this really was pleasantly surprising. I’m glad you suggested it, thank you for this.” He gave Roman a genuine smile as he went to open the door on his side, stopping a moment before he did so. “It’s been nice feeling like I’ve actually been able to make a friend at work. I know I’m not the most approachable person so thank you for that. See you tomorrow.” He stepped out of the car and walked back to his apartment, turning to give Roman a final wave before he went in.

Roman smiled at him from the car, a light press on his chest forming when Logan was out of sight. It almost felt like with every step further away Logan got, another rock was placed on his chest. He bit his lip and as he started the car decided that rather than going home right away, he wanted to go to see Patton and Virgil. The drive over to their house was slow and almost tortuous with the quickly increasing sinking feeling. The worst part of it all being that he had no idea where the feeling was coming from. Up until those last few minutes, he was fine. He pulled into the parking lot of Virgil and Patton’s cafe, knowing they wouldn’t mind, and made his way inside, knocking on their front door.

Patton opened the door to him, beaming as he beckoned him in. “Roman, what a surprise, so good to see you!” He hugged Roman tightly before they made their way to the living room where Virgil was sitting on the couch, pausing the TV as he turned to Roman. “Hey Ro, to what do we owe this unexpected visit?” Patton sat back down next to Virgil as Roman settled himself on the other couch.

Roman sighed, catching his lip between his teeth and chewing on it fiercely. “Well, you see…” he started, his body heaving out another sigh, “I was just with Logan, my partner, you know, you’ve met him. But anyway, I offered to take him to dinner since it’s his birthday today and I didn't want him to spend it alone.” He paused, looking down and between his brother and his best friend who were both listening. Patton gave him an encouraging nod for him to continue.

“We actually had fun, it was really nice to spend time with him and get to know him a little better. Once we got past the actual asking him if he wanted to go, it was really fun. I got him to start talking about space and you know how when someone talks about something they’re passionate about and their eyes just shine, that was it. It was a really nice time for the both of us…” He trailed off, “So, why do I feel like I want to cry? Why does it feel like my whole chest is tight and my stomach is constricting? And why ...why do I feel like I just got rejected?”

Patton and Virgil glanced at each other, an understanding passing between them. They had seen how Roman had been around Logan, and they could also see now how he was when he spoke about him. “Well…” Patton started, “How did the evening end exactly? Did he say anything that would warrant how you’re feeling?” Virgil opened his mouth as if he was about to say something but a look from Patton made him decide to keep it shut for the moment and to let Roman speak.

Roman looked up in thought for a second, “Everything was fine, it was great, in fact…” he stopped, looking back to the ceiling as if the pale plaster would give him all the answers to why he was feeling the way he was. “Well, it was, until I brought him home. I stopped the car and it was something he said, but I don't understand why that would be upsetting me. All he said was that he had a good time and he was happy to have a friend like me at work.” He frowned, now even more confused than when he started.

Patton tried to hold back the grin that was spreading across his face. He glanced back at Virgil who’s own expression showed that he was thinking the same as him. “Roman… you don’t… you don’t by any chance have a crush on this coworker do you?” He spoke carefully, it was a sensitive subject for Roman, but he knew his brother well enough now to know that look when he saw it.

Roman looked semi-shocked for a second. His head shot up to look at the both of them, and upon seeing no form of teasing he relaxed slightly. “I mean...maybe...I do notice things about him more than I would to others. Earlier when I gave him his birthday present, I’m pretty sure I caught him off guard. But he was trying to be nice and I appreciated the effort, though I don’t think homemade gifts are the way to go. But the thing I notice most of all is his little quirks. He does this thing where he pushes his glasses up his nose and always adjusts his tie, despite it being perfectly in place. Just small things that I notice and can’t help but smile at...oh my god, I like Logan.”

Virgil smirked at this while Patton grinned widely. “Awe, you are just too cute. Did you just realize this just now?” Patton asked, giggling softly. Roman gave him a look and his grin receded slightly as he attempted to keep composed. Virgil offered him a more concerned look, he knew that Patton tended to get carried away but this was still a serious matter. “You okay dude? How are you feeling?”

“I don’t really...I don’t really know...I haven't had any kind of crush or even felt nearly that comfortable with someone since…” Roman winced, “Well, you know. I’m worried really, anything could happen. Logan is predictable, not in a boring way, but in a way that’s trustworthy and reliable. That’s why I've always felt so comfortable with him I guess, but that didn’t mean I was prepared for this.” He sighed, a sharp intake of breath slipping through his lips. “I really wasn’t prepared to feel anything for him,” he groaned, rubbing his face in his hands.

At this Patton eyes filled with worry. He went to sit next to Roman, wrapping his arms comfortingly around him. “Hey, it’s okay…” He rubbed his hand across Roman’s back in an attempt to soothe his nerves. He shot a nervous glance towards Virgil who just sat there, a grim smile on his face.

“I’m not so sure it is,” Roman sighed, running a hand haphazardly through his hair. “One second, you two, I think I need a glass of water,” he mumbled, pulling himself to stand and walking into the kitchen. As he walked back in, a glass of water in hand, he looked a little more composed. “I just don’t really know what to do with this information. It’s not like he’s interested in me, even if I wanted to pursue it. And even if he was, I wouldn’t be so sure myself whether I'm ready for a relationship. It’s been a long time, but it never feels long enough,” he finished with a frown.

“Well, maybe you’re more ready than you think you are,” Patton offered, his voice soft and sincere. “What do you think, Virge?” Virgil leaned his arms on his knees, resting his chin on his hands. “I mean… it has been a while Roman… and well, we don’t really know this Logan guy much, other than what you’ve told us. But from what we saw when we briefly met him he seemed like a decent guy. Not that looks can’t be deceiving.” He winced in the recollection of Roman’s last relationship.

“Yeah...he is...he is a nice guy, he’s lovely, just...it worries me, is all. Ever since the problems with my ex, I just feel inadequate, especially in a romantic sense and it really sucks because I miss it. I miss the grandeur of surprising someone. The happiness I get from being able to love someone...” he sighed. ”I just really want to stop being afraid to take the leap.” He huffed, putting the glass down and flopping back on the couch.

Patton looked over at him sympathetically, “I know you must be scared, but sometimes… sometimes it can be worth it to give it a shot. I mean, just take Virgil and me. You got to witness how that went and look at us now.” Patton went back to sit next to Virgil, beaming at him affectionately; Virgil returned the smile and kissed him on the cheek.

Roman smiled weakly. “Yeah, I guess you’re right, maybe I'll ask him. It would have to be the right moment and I still have a lot to think about,” he said, letting out a rough sigh and running the tip of his finger over the rim of the glass which he’d picked back up and was held by just his fingertips. “But, he’s worth it,” Roman smiled, “The dynamic in my head, it just makes sense and I really like his company.. it’s just....I haven’t done this for a while and I want to get it right,” he frowned.

“Awe that’s so sweet Ro,” Patton beamed over at him. “Hang on a sec though,” Virgil cut in, suddenly realising something. “He’s into guys, right? Here we are going on about this but do we even know if he’d be able to feel the same way in the first place? Has he ever led on what his sexuality was?” The three of them stopped for a moment, hit by the realisation.

Roman frowned, “Well, I'm not too sure.” he stated, “He’s never mentioned a partner at all, actually. He doesn’t seem to be the type of person to be awfully social or one to talk about his personal life, but I guess I got the idea from how he behaves around me.” He paused, contemplating for a second. “I’m often a naturally charismatic person when I know who I’m talking to, so the fact that he seemed to respond positively to my friendly joking and I suppose even a little bit of accidental flirting or just how he reacts when I compliment him, but I suppose that might be that he just isn’t sure how to take compliments.”

Patton’s brows furrowed slightly as his lips twisted into a questioning look. “It might be best to figure that out first before you get your hopes up or anything.”

Virgil nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah, it would be best, for both of your own sakes. I mean, he could just be easily flustered. Your comments are enough to make straight people confused after all.” From the brief period they had met him, Virgil had felt like he could recognize himself in a few ways in Logan’s manner, he knew how Roman came off to new people.

Roman let a tiny hint of a smile slip onto his face at that. “Well, I suppose you’re right, I do need to find that out first,” he said, biting his lip. “Then, if he is gay and potentially interested, I could just ask him if he’d like to go out for coffee sometime?” Roman said, hesitantly, getting validation that his new idea was a lot better and likely would be more effective. After that, he was a lot calmer and felt almost at ease. He headed home, a new sense of motivation washing over him as he felt all the more prepared for his current situation.

******************

Logan’s birthday had been on a Friday and he spent the weekend feeling rather happy. He was still surprised at just how much of a good time he’d had with Roman. It was a weird reminder of just how out of touch he’d gotten with the whole concept of socialising. He took the time to properly look over the gift Roman had made him, smiling as he flipped through the different pages of the book. When he went in for work on Monday morning he walked into the office to see Roman already at his desk working. “Hey, I just wanted to thank you again for the gift, I really truly appreciate it. You’re really quite talented I had no idea,” Logan spoke as he set himself up at his own desk.

Roman smiled over at him, the lingering sadness that had stayed with him after their last meeting long gone now as he tried to put more positive ideas into his head with high hopes for what might be in his foreseeable future. “Morning, Logan,” he replied, grinning over at him. “I’m just glad you like it, projects like that are so much fun. Yeah, it feels a little down heartening when you put in the work to make something nice for someone and they don’t like it, but I didn’t want to get you something like a mug.”

“Well personalized gifts really do exemplify thoughtfulness and can definitely be an excellent medium for the use of one’s talents. I guess that’s why DIY’s are all the rage nowadays.” Logan personally had never understood the hype, but he felt that it would be rude to say so. He generally didn’t really care what people thought, social interactions and relations were often more trouble than they were worth.

However, Logan had really grown to appreciate Roman as his work partner and he definitely did not want to do or say anything that would needlessly upset him. Especially since Roman seemed like a rather emotional person who would likely mistake the meaning or intention behind his words. What they currently had going was really nice and Logan didn’t want to mess that up.

Throughout the day, Roman got his work done with a peppiness that he didn't usually feel. When their lunch break rolled around Roman looked over at Logan, leaning against his desk. "I'm going to a concert next week," he commented, prodding at bits of his pasta with a fork. "I really like the LGBT representation in a lot of the songs coming out lately. I think it's really important to have that in popular media,” he said, sitting down on the edge of his desk, one of his legs tucked under him, the other hanging off the desk. "As a kid, it would have made life a whole lot easier if I saw things like this." He smiled, pointing to a rainbow poster stuck on the notice board, just outside the office.

“Oh, um, I guess… I’m not much into music.” Logan’s eyes stayed fixed to his salad, averting his gaze. This was a topic he definitely wasn’t very comfortable talking about and he could feel his cheeks flushing against his will. He had only ever come out to his parents and his therapist. The first time had gone terribly and the second time was done rather unwillingly. He wasn’t really keen on going through that all once more. Then again, he really didn’t have any reason to be afraid of the subject when it came to Roman. “I guess I kind of understand what you mean though about the whole representation aspect.” He managed to lift his head and offer Roman a small smile.

At this, Roman smiled. "I just think representation is a nice way of telling people who might be part of a minority that just because they're part of that minority that doesn't mean they won't or shouldn't be included.” He hopped off the desk, putting the metal container of pasta down and picking up his water bottle to take a sip. "It would be so much nicer if people didn't have to feel like they have to fight for their right to be different," Roman said, his eyebrows furrowed in thought. “It was one of the reasons I got into police work. I wanted to have a chance to help people and to make a difference." he smiled.

Logan returned the smile. “Yeah, there’s so much stigma surrounding so many different issues. Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to be understanding, for more reasons than one.” He put away his platter in his bag, sitting back in his chair as he stared out of the window. “At least things are getting better. It’s nice to not feel so alone.” Their lunch break was over at this point so they both returned to their work for the afternoon.

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#logince #sanders sides #sanders side fic #thomas sanders #fanfic #fanfiction #cop au #gay fic #fluff #roman sanders #logan sanders #long reads #multiple chapters #ao3 #tell me to stay #chapter 6

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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A Pirates Life (For Us) - Chapter 3

Summary: Logan decides he may have made a mistake as the morale on the ship starts to sink, but he has two problems. He's never had to apologise before and he's incredibly bad at keeping good relationships.

CW: Minor character death, murder, stabbing, knives, imprisonment, injury, betrayal, broken trust.

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Chapter 3 - Once A Pirate, Always A Pirate...

Over the next two days, Remus was uncharacteristically quiet and morose as he went about his usual tasks. The others on the ship could also sense this and somehow it brought the entire mood of the ship down. Logan also noticed this and found himself with the odd realisation that he missed the enthusiasm that normally surrounded Remus.

Remus himself had been finding everything that little bit harder. Upon the realisation that Logan really didn’t care, he’d been completely out of it since and he wasn’t sure how to get back into the swing of things. People had done this before of course, he was used to insults on the daily, but for some reason, it was different coming from Logan.

He hadn’t properly spoken with Logan since and didn’t plan to either. The guy really did seem like a lost cause, too stuck in his own negativity to change his mind for anything or anyone.

Remus wasn’t usually one to give up, but he was mad at Logan right now and telling himself he was giving up on him somehow helped to console the pain that little bit more. He thought it might be the fact that this way he could pretend he was going to take action to make sure he wasn’t hurt this way again, but he knew that was never going to happen.

That night Remus found himself incapable of sleeping, tossing and turning restlessly for hours. Finally, he gave up and decided to get up and take a walk on the deck to get some air and try to clear his mind. The night sky was clear and full of stars, a calm breeze blowing through the air. It all helped to relax Remus a little bit as he went to lean on the side of the boat to look over the water.

Elsewhere on the ship Logan also found himself incapable of succumbing to sleep despite the exhaustion he felt. He’d gotten up and tried to do some work at his desk but found that he couldn’t concentrate on anything at that moment. He still didn’t feel like he’d be able to sleep so he figured he might as well go to the deck and check how things were going.

By the time Logan had made his way outside, a soft tune of someone singing could be heard from the starboard side of the ship. He slowly made his way over there and of course, it was Remus. He was staring out at his own ship up ahead with teary eyes and even as Logan approached, he didn’t make any sign to show that he’d seen him.

He stood next to Remus and sighed causing the other man to snap out of it and finally acknowledge his presence even if he did huff softly and take a step away to put a little more distance between him and the captain. Remus wasn’t happy with Logan and if Logan thought he could just have a normal conversation with him after what he said, Remus planned to just leave immediately. He quickly swept away the tears glossing over his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest to block out the cold.

“Remus…” Logan started, his voice soft and low. “I… I’ve said some things to you that were unnecessary and you didn’t deserve that.” He paused waiting for a moment to gauge Remus’ reaction. Remus made no move that he had heard him and Logan sighed as he looked over the water. Apologizing wasn’t something he’d ever been good at especially not since he’d become a pirate captain.

A few more moments of silence passed before Logan spoke again. “I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’m… sorry,” he said, his voice catching on the last word. It sounded odd to his ears and left a funny taste in his mouth. However, it did the trick in causing Remus to finally turn and look at him.

Remus chuckled softly, “You aren’t very good at this, are you?” he smiled weakly at an attempt at a joke to ease the tension, leaning against the railing to the ship and resting his hands against it.

“No, not really,” Logan admitted, “I usually have enough authority and not enough scruples that I don’t have to worry myself with having to apologise. At least that’s what I make myself believe anyway so I can sleep at night.”

“Not working out too great tonight then I see,” Remus replied teasingly, smiling a little bit wider now. “What happened that the great and dreaded Captain Logan changed his mind?”

Logan paused for a second, furrowing his eyebrows as he actually thought about it. “Well...I guess…” He stopped, looking over at Remus and for the first time since he’d met him, he was unsure of himself, unsure of what he was about to say. “You… You happened, Remus,” he sighed, staring daggers into the water as he did everything he could to avoid looking at the shorter man standing next to him.

Remus was grateful for the cover of darkness as he felt his cheeks flush at these words. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of this admission on Logan’s part. “Yeah I guess I have been making quite a mess in the order of things here lately…” he said rather shyly.

“No...I mean, I’ve noticed a change around here lately, a good one… people seem happier, more uplifted and the only thing that changed is you. The truth is, when you smile, it’s contagious and for once, people seem excited to work. You make an impact, Remus. A very positive one and I apologise for shooting you down the way I did. Your feelings, you, do matter.”

Remus felt tears prick his eyes now but for a whole new reason. “That’s… that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,” he said, slightly choked up. “I’m not blind to the fact that I’m not like others, that people only keep me around because I’m of use to them. That’s why I always work so hard…”

"Remus… you're a nice person to be around. I like to do things with you a whole lot more than I do a lot of other people," Logan mumbled, reluctant to admit it, but doing so as a way to provide proof that his apology was sincere. "You deserve better than you get and I didn't mean to contribute to the cruel behaviours of people who don't understand you."

“Thank you, Captain, that means a lot coming from you,” Remus said softly. He turned and lifted his gaze to look at Logan. Feeling this Logan turned and their eyes finally met. They stood in silence, simply staring at each other in the light of the moon and its reflection on the water.

“You’re welcome, Remus,” Logan finally replied, giving him the ghost of a smile before retiring to his quarters.

**************

Over the next couple of weeks, Logan found himself becoming more and more fond of Remus' presence and the positivity it brought. In the time Remus had been with them, Logan had smiled, laughed, opened up, apologised, and learnt to be a lot more tolerable. These all being things Logan had previously struggled with.

As they approached the port, Logan realised he was actually going to be sad to see Remus go. He tried not to dwell on it, knowing he'd just end up making himself upset.

It had been a particularly tough few days for the crew however and Logan was rather stressed. They'd found out that one of the people on board was hoarding food and planning on packing up and deserting while they were at the port. In short, Logan was furious.

He had his sword drawn on the man and was slowly backing him towards the ocean, yelling all sorts of abuse at him as he seemed to get so swept up in his anger, he didn’t know what to do with himself and he was taking out all of those built-up emotions from the stress on him.

He was just by the edge of the boat and Logan was about to push him off when Remus leapt in front of him. Logan's eyes narrowed and he drew his sword back slightly but didn't look even remotely calmer.

"Remus… What are you doing?" he asked, his voice eerily calm for the fiery attitude Logan had worked up after what was essentially a week in hell.

"Logan, you need to stop before you do something you'll regret." Remus tried to reason with him, but it looked as if Logan wasn't listening.

"Remus, get out of the way," Logan demanded, trying to stand up straighter to seem more intimidating.

"Why? What are you going to do, kill me? If you just keep hurting people like this, you're just going to end up sad and alone," Remus said, setting his jaw and staying put even despite being terrified.

“Remus this is your last chance to yield or I will have no choice but to resort to force.” Logan didn’t want to hurt Remus, but he had his honour and reputation as not only a captain but as a pirate to uphold. It wasn’t by being soft that he had gotten to where he was.

When it seemed that Remus would not move Logan heaved a sigh before lunging. Remus had no time to properly register what was happening before he was given a blow to the stomach with the butt of Logan’s sword. He doubled over and fell, heaving as he tried to catch his breath. He only managed to turn in time to see Logan give the traitorous crew member a swift stab through his middle before tossing him overboard into the water.

Remus watched in horror as this all unfolded, but what horrified him the most was the cold, blank look on Logan’s face the whole time. Logan grabbed a rag and wiped his blade, eyeing the others who were in attendance. “Anybody else have anything to confess?” he asked, his meaning clear to all as he was met with uncomfortable silence. “Good, now, everyone back to work.”

*************

The next morning when they arrived at the port, the deal was made and Logan got the gold he'd been promised and the ship would stay in the docks for a few days to restock.

Remus was pacing back and forth in his cell, terrified of what was to come and helpless to whatever it was. He'd been promptly put in here after Logan had returned back to his cabin and he hadn't seen the captain since. He jumped as the sound of descending footsteps sounded through the room and within the next few seconds, Logan was standing in front of his cell.

For a second, he was silent and then Logan spoke. "We successfully made the trade with your crew today. I told them I was going inside to get you and they seemed rather eager to leave. Indifferent almost to whether you were on board or not. They decided to leave without you."

“What? No… you... You’re lying!” Remus exclaimed, fear tightening in his chest. At the same time, however, deep down, he knew that it was true. In a way, he almost wasn’t surprised this had happened. Abandonment, it was all he’d ever really known.

“I’m afraid I’m not,” Logan replied in a flat tone. He then went and opened the cell door, leading Remus out of it. “However since their end of the bargain was held up I find myself in the obligation to let you go nonetheless. I’m sure you would manage to find yourself working here in the market or on another ship. However, if you so desire it, you may remain with my crew. You have shown yourself valuable and may stay if you want, though I will not force you to anything.”

Remus was quiet as he weighed his options. The grief of having been left behind by his old crew still weighed heavy on his heart. The last thing he wanted was to have to leave another group of people he was finally starting to feel comfortable being with. However with Logan’s display the previous day, he wasn’t sure he really did want to stay.

"You have today to make up your mind, I'll be in my cabin," the captain added before he walked back up the stairs and left, leaving Remus to slowly walk up after him, a pensive expression on his face as he began to question what to do next. He returned to his own cabin to try and get some sleep in an attempt to clear his head to make a proper decision.

It wasn't even an hour later when he woke up in a cold sweat from the most terrible nightmare. It was Logan torturing people, hurting people in the cruellest and most evil ways and he couldn't do anything to stop it. Someone as cold as Logan having that much power over him suddenly seemed much more terrifying and he decided to get his things and leave.

Logan went to Remus’ cabin sometime later to check on him and found it to be empty. The captain nodded to himself as he accepted the fact that Remus was now gone, and without so much as a goodbye. Even though he knew they had no choice but to stay for at least another day to allow time to get provisions and materials for the ship, all Logan wanted was for them to set off once again.

Unbeknownst to him, some of the crew had gone into the market town in hopes of convincing Remus to stay with them. After some time they managed to find him in a small pub, sitting by himself as he stared sadly into a pint of ale. They joined him and proceeded to talk him into coming back with them to the ship.

Remus however, was still rather resolute in his decision of not wanting to see Logan ever again. “Please Remus,” a young crew member - Virgil - begged him, “You have no idea how much you've changed things, the Captain really didn't give you enough credit.”

“He’s right,” another one piped up to back him up. “The Captain has never been in such a good mood and we’ve been with him for years.” Remus eyed him sceptically and his face twisted into a grimace.

“Okay maybe not a good mood but Logan's always so tired and serious. This is the first time some of us have seen him smile. I know what you saw yesterday was fucked up, but it did use to be much worse.”

Somehow this did little to actually reassure and comfort Remus. If anything, he more and more felt like he really didn’t know Logan and he wasn’t sure he cared to find out. “I’m sorry,” Remus sighed, “But I really don’t think I can go back.”

One of the men stood up and nodded, "Well, we respect your choice then. You've clearly made up your mind and I wish you luck," he said, shaking Remus' hand and then giving him a nod before he started making his way back to the boat. One by one, they all left and soon enough, Remus was alone at the bar once again.

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 5

Summary : Logan's birthday comes around and he's shocked to find out that this year someone actually not only remembered but also got him a gift.

CW: Brief mentions of nightmares, unhealthy habits

Previous chapter Next chapter From the beginning Read on ao3

Chapter 5: Dinner?... Just The Two Of Us?

They drove in silence for most of the way. Now and again they would exchange glances. They drove up to the building where Logan's condo was. "This is my stop."

"Right, of course. Would you like me to walk you up to your apartment, or are you okay from here?" Roman offered.

"Um well I mean it's not like I really need help finding my place," Logan started. Obviously, he could get back home fine from here. He thought he felt Roman shrink back a little at this. It then hit him that that question probably had subtext. Of course Roman would know he was fine on his own, yet here he was wanting to spend as much time as possible with him. "But," he continued, "I'm not against the company."

Roman smiled and then climbed out of the car, walking over to where Logan was. They started walking, their footsteps matching each other. "Hey, Logan?" Roman asked quietly as he looked around the small area they were walking in absent-mindedly. "Why did you move to our department from your last one?"

"Oh well um... let's just say that not all jobs at the CSI are esteemed in the same fashion. I was the head supervisor of the archives, but no one cares about you here unless you do something on the field or closely related to the field. No matter what I did, or what I accomplished, all I was to everyone was just a pencil pusher. Which hurt because I really truly felt like I could contribute more, but no one ever took me seriously." Logan was starting to get worked up as he continued speaking. "I've been told many times to stop playing Sherlock Holmes and leave the work to the real detectives." Logan stopped walking at this point, they were standing in front of his door now.

Roman watched Logan carefully, listening to him with a thoughtful expression. "Hey," he said gently once Logan had finished speaking. His voice was low and calming as he took Logan's hand and squeezed it, gently soothing him with the grounding touch. "Look... I don't say these things to people often, but actually, you’re a pretty good investigator... A real detective would encourage others to follow in their footsteps, they clearly weren't that great if all they could do was make fun of you. You are a great person to work with and be around... it hasn't been as bad as I thought..." He was very close as he held Logan's cool hands in his own. Logan could smell his musky, sweet-smelling cologne and his comforting expression was at least doing something to ease his mind.

"Why are you telling me this... why do you care so much?" Logan couldn't help but ask. His mind was reeling from Roman's words, his heart was pounding. He'd never felt so... so... valued before, it was jarring to him. His hands felt clammy and yet Roman was still holding them.

"I care about you, Logan," Roman said. "You're a good friend. Though I do believe we got off on the wrong foot. You are a good partner; I feel like I'm not doing all the work for once. It's nice to know there's someone I can work with who I can trust with a job and know it will be done well and with a good amount of effort put into it. You'll try to get it as good as it can be, I appreciate that. You also seem to...balance me out quite well. I suppose this is my way of saying thank you." He smiled, hoping he correctly put his thoughts into words.

Logan managed to offer a small smile back, he was truly touched by Roman’s words. “Thank you, Roman… it means a lot to me to hear you say that.” Finally, he pulled his hands away, the ongoing touch was starting to feel a little too awkward. He looked down for a moment before returning his gaze to Roman’s. “I also really have grown to appreciate having you as a partner. It’s nice to feel like what I do actually matters, without having to change who I am or how I do things for all that.” An understanding seemed to pass between the two of them. “Well, goodnight I guess,” Logan spoke as he took out his keys to unlock the door, “See you tomorrow.”

Roman nodded, "Have a nice evening, Logan." He smiled, waving to him as he headed back to his car.

……………

Over the next couple of weeks, Roman found himself becoming more and more fond of Logan's presence and appreciated his sense of logic in certain situations where his enthusiasm did admittedly become a little too much. It was nice to have a friend who understood and got him the way Logan did. He tried to push away the more troubling thoughts of when he seemed to stare at Logan when he wasn't looking or some of their eye contact that lingered a little bit too long. He didn't want or need to think about that.

Never before had Logan looked forward to going to work each morning. Not that he hadn’t enjoyed the other jobs he’d had before, but he finally felt like he’d found his place within the team. He also had to admit that he really truly enjoyed working with Roman, they made a great team and that was something he’d never really experienced before.

Roman found that every day he was talking to Logan that much more and wasn't even slightly objecting to it, it was great. He felt himself smiling more, being generally happier and found his days a little brighter. The usually long days didn't feel as tedious and he found himself wanting to stay at work with Logan because home for him had a lonely feel to it that he didn't want to think about for fear that he already knew its origin. The loneliness ate away at him, attacking him during the nights. By morning, he was able to brush it off and he had the motivation to take care of himself a little better, it was a very welcome change of pace.

Logan had begun to notice a gradual change in his overall mood. He didn’t feel nearly so anxious all the time when at work and with the others, especially with Roman. Where before he would have happily rushed home the moment his day was done, he found himself hanging back to chat with Roman at the end of work. While not entirely becoming all that much more sociable, he didn’t mind the interactions nearly so much as he used to. He felt more relaxed, more upbeat, Roman’s optimistic energy was contagious and strangely attractive to him. There were even times where he found himself alone at home almost missing that feeling.

…..............

Roman walked into the office. It was a normal Friday morning for anyone else, but Roman couldn't say the same. He wore a barely noticeable frown on his face. The night before, he'd spoken to an old friend and they'd asked him about some sensitive topics. He hadn't realised at the moment, but talking about it as if everything was okay had dug up some things he'd long since buried. It didn't help that when he'd said he'd rather not talk about it, they got offended and asked if Roman still trusted them which made Roman feel bad so he'd given in and told him. As a result, he'd gotten a few hours of sleep, broken up in small intervals of the night because of the nightmares and general uneasiness that loomed over him. He was exhausted.

Logan was already busy on something when Roman arrived that day. As he heard him arrive he instinctively felt his head lift to look up at him. “Hey,” he started cheerily, Roman giving him a smile and a nod. Logan immediately felt that something was off. He’d unwittingly learned Roman’s usual mannerisms and this wasn’t one of them. It wasn’t anything huge, but still, enough that it left him with an odd suspicious feeling, he tried to brush it off. They got to work and the feeling stayed with Logan throughout the morning. Once it got around to early afternoon he just couldn’t take it anymore. He looked over at Roman to see that he seemed lost in thought, his gaze fixed on the wall. “Hey, Roman… I hope I’m not overstepping here but… are you okay?” His words seemed to startle Roman out of his stupor.

"Hmm?" he hummed, looking up at Logan. "Oh, right, uh... I'm okay, I guess, just tired. I had a rather sleepless night." He frowned, his unfocused gaze shifting from his work to look at Logan completely. "I had to have a...difficult conversation with an old friend that I didn't really want to be a part of. I suppose I didn't think it would affect me this way," he shrugged, running a hand across his face and sighing in defeat.

“Oh..” Logan wasn’t quite sure how to respond. He wasn’t exactly very good at being the comforting type. “I’m sorry to hear that. I get it though,” he mused thoughtfully. Tough conversations were a thing he’d, unfortunately, had a lot of experience with. He knew that often they were necessary, but they also left him feeling rather out of it. “I’m guessing the outcome of the conversation wasn’t exactly what you hoped for?”

"I guess you could say that," Roman hummed, taking a sip of water and skimming through his paperwork. It was a summary of the most recent crime scene they'd been to and he was struggling so much more than he usually would be. As Logan made quick work of several piles of papers, he was still stuck on the first few pages and it was almost painful.

Logan could see that Roman’s mind was just not in it today. “Do you want some help with that?” he offered, genuinely concerned at this point.

"Actually, yeah, I'd appreciate that," he smiled gratefully, letting out a yawn as Logan made his way over to his desk and stood behind him.

Logan began looking over the neglected and poor quality work, or at least poor compared to Roman's usual standard of work. Roman knew Logan didn't think lowly of his work because of his mistakes like he did, but Roman always found difficulty in actually giving himself credit when it was due.

While not being terrible, Logan could definitely tell this wasn’t Roman’s best work. “Your ideas are a little all over the place,” he spoke as he cocked his head, trying to see how the elements could be organised. “Do you mind if I take a go at rearranging a few things?”

“Yeah, of course, go for it,” Roman said, letting out a tired sigh and shifting so Logan could stand over his work. Logan then inspected the sheet in front of him, his eyes scanned over the notes. He picked up a pen and grabbed a loose sheet of paper, writing down some numbers, drawing arrows and several small notes for organizing his ideas.

Roman hadn’t quite realised, but in his tired frame of mind, he’d lost focus and was staring at Logan rather than the papers, watching the way his lips moved as he spoke, but not quite computing what he was saying. Noticing the way he held the pen, elegantly moving his hand to jot down a general summary of what he was explaining, but not quite picking up on the words that he actually wrote, being unable to focus on them.

“So yeah it’s up to you in the end, but this might help you give a better sense of direction to your notes,” Logan finished saying as he raised his head. It was at that moment that he noticed Roman staring at him. He couldn’t tell whether he was just spaced out or if he had been intently staring at him. “Hello, earth to Roman,” he spoke, hoping to break his trance. “You okay there?” At these words, Roman seemed to realize what he was doing and his cheeks flushed a light shade of pink.

Roman shook his head, trying to pull himself out of the daze he’d somehow fallen into. “Gosh, I’m sorry, Logan, I’m really not able to concentrate at all today.” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “I really appreciate the help. I’m usually better with my notes, but the reorganisation will really help me to find what I'm looking for faster.”

“Alright then, always happy to help.” Logan strode back to his chair to continue his work. Before doing so he glanced back up towards Roman one last time. “You know, if ever you need some more help, don’t hesitate to ask okay.” He offered him a warm smile then turned back to the papers on his desk.

Roman smiled over at him. “Okay, I won't, thank you, Logan,” he said, looking back at his work. A gentle smile stuck on his face every time he looked over at Logan or thought about his notes or the way he smiled at him. It was nice to know that there was someone like Logan that he could truly rely on.

...............................

Logan’s first few months at the precinct had flown by without him noticing. Before he knew it autumn was rolling around. It was mid-October when he walked into the office one day to a package on his desk. He strode over to his chair, utterly confused as to what it was doing there. Roman was at his desk already working. “Uh Roman, what’s this on my desk for?”

“Oh, you don’t know?” Roman smiled, standing up and walking over to Logan’s desk, a certain spring in his step which was easily recognizable. “It’s your birthday, Lo,” he beamed. “I looked into the files because I remembered seeing your birthday was at some point in October and I wanted to get you something,” he explained, leaning against Logan’s desk.

For a moment Logan was dumbstruck, somehow he’d managed to forget his own birthday. In his defense, he never really did anything for his birthday so it generally didn’t feel different from any other day. He never told anyone about it because he didn’t care for that kind of attention and was never really close to any of his coworkers for it to actually matter. “Oh um, thank you…” Logan could feel himself blushing, he was oddly touched by this attention of Roman’s.

Roman grinned, “You’re very welcome, Logan.” It was obvious now that Roman was waiting for Logan to open his present as he made his way back over to his own desk.

Roman hovered just behind him excitedly, as he slowly took back the wrapping paper which was a simple navy blue. Behind that, neatly placed wrapping paper was a book with drawings, photographs, illustrations and theories about space. Quotes from different astronomers and astrophysicists lined almost every page and it was just a very beautiful gift. He was looking for one online but couldn’t find anything he knew Logan would like. He wanted to be accurate with something Logan would actually appreciate so he’d put one together himself. He’d gotten the idea because his coworker seemed to be obsessed with space, so this gift idea was too perfect to pass up.

Logan was stunned by the present, for something that was clearly handmade it was remarkably well done. He was taken aback at how thoughtful the gift was, he was flattered but wasn’t entirely sure what to think of it. “Wow Roman, I-... thank you.” Logan looked up at him and smiled, “This must have taken you quite some time and it’s pretty good too.” He flipped through the pages, carefully running his fingers over the different images and quotes. The attention to detail was pretty spot on and he could appreciate that. “How did you know that I was such a space nerd?” Logan was slightly confused as to how Roman had known this in the first place.

Roman fought the urge to be slightly disappointed at Logan's reaction. By now, Roman was aware that his partner just expressed feelings differently than he did and Logan did say he liked it...in his own way, which was a plus. He just didn't react the way Roman imagined or was used to when he made something for one of his friends. "Oh, um, there are a few things on your desk that are space-related and you've mentioned something along those lines a few times. Since you seem like the type of person to talk about things you find interesting very rarely I figured it must be important to you."

“Oh, right, yes.” Logan looked towards his desk and had to acknowledge that he did indeed have incriminating evidence of his special interest in space. “I guess I don’t usually notice that kind of stuff.” He had a small moment of guilt at realizing that he wouldn’t have really been able to say what Roman was interested in, despite their being coworkers for a while now. He put the book down and turned to his work.

Roman nodded, with the type of person that Logan was he didn’t expect that kind of thing to be extremely noticeable to him. Roman himself, had always been the type of person to pick up on small things about a person, even very soon after meeting them. However, he could understand that not everyone did that and it was more difficult for some, which he assumed was the case with Logan. As he sat in his chair, finishing the rest of his work, he tried not to feel disappointed at the lack of reaction and instead focused on the fact that he’d still done it. It had actually been fun to learn and teach himself about the topic to get accurate facts.

As they continued on their work for the day, Logan would now and again glance at his bag where he’d placed the book Roman had gifted him. As much as he wasn’t surprised that this was the sort of thing Roman did for people, he hadn’t thought they were close enough to warrant such a personalised gift. The day went on and when the end of the day rolled around Logan gathered his things to go home. “So see you tomorrow Roman.”

Roman smiled, he'd been thinking and throughout the day he decided that a birthday dinner might be more Logan's speed. They could talk and get to know each other a little better, which was something Roman wanted to do since Logan was such an interesting and mysterious person to him. "Uh wait up, Logan," he called, picking up his bag and slinging it onto his shoulder, a slight spring in his step as he hurried to catch up to him. "Would you like to go out for dinner, maybe? You know, because it's your birthday and all?" he beamed, doing up the clasp on the side of his bag and looking back up at Logan, a goofy smile on his face.

Logan stopped abruptly, a blank look on his face. This was a first and he wasn’t exactly sure how to respond. “Um, yeah I, uh, sure ok,” he stuttered out, feeling rather flustered by the prospect. He’d never gone out for dinner with a colleague, much less for his birthday. His mind was in social panic mode but he tried his best not to seem rude, he really did appreciate Roman after all.

At this, Roman's smile softened, his hand going to the cuff of his sleeve to arrange it as he turned to Logan. "Hey, don't worry. There's a small low-tone café nearby, it's nice and I just thought you might like to go out for your birthday rather than staying in. Not that I'm assuming you don't already have plans. You don't have to though, it's just an offer," he smiled warmly. "You're my friend, or at least I like to think we're relatively close, and I'd hate for you to have to spend your birthday alone." he finished, pulling his phone out and checking through it, noticing a text from Patton and a few emails.

Logan would have wanted to be able to protest, but the truth was that he indeed had no plans. He still wasn’t entirely sure why Roman was being so chummy, he really wasn’t the most interesting person to be around. In the end, he really didn’t have anything better to do, so he might as well go along. It would give him something to tell his therapist to get him off his back for not being social enough. “Well thank you, I don’t usually do stuff like this, but I guess it could be fun.”

"It's no pressure, honestly, everyone needs to have fun once in a while," Roman grinned, reaching up and pushing the hair from his own face before continuing to speak. "It isn't like this is a date, Logan," he smiled, lifting his head from his phone and looking over at him.

An immediate flush came across Logan’s cheeks at this remark, he looked away from Roman nervously. Why did he have to say that? Logan had struggled with his sexuality for a long time and he still was rather uncomfortable talking about it. At this point, it was pretty clear where Roman stood on the matter, but he had yet to say anything in that respect. “Um.. yeah.. sure ok,” Logan attempted to chuckle but it was rather half-hearted. Nonetheless, he followed Roman to his car.

*** Tag list (let us know if you would like to be added or removed): @crossiantgay

#logince #sanders sides #sanders side fic #thomas sanders #fanfic #fanfiction #cop au #gay fic #fluff #roman sanders #logan sanders #cw: nightmares #long reads #multiple chapters #ao3 #tell me to stay #chapter 5

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 4

Summary : Roman's having a bad day and at the end of it decides to subtly introduce Logan to Patton and Virgil at their café connected to a case to lift his spirits.

CW: Mention of nightmares, implied past trauma

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Chapter 4 - Bad Days Don't Always Stay Bad

Roman didn't feel good when he woke up the next morning. He woke up on his own, two hours before his alarm was supposed to go off because he had a nightmare.

He felt tired; in general, pretty awful start to his morning. He made breakfast, had a shower and looked through his notes. By the time he was done, it was the time he would usually wake up.

That morning, he drove to work much earlier than usual and arrived at 6 am, waiting for the others to get into work. While he was there, making extensive notes and analysis on his most recent case. It would give them a head start that day and also, give him and Logan less to work on so he could relax a little.

When Logan walked into the office at eight, he looked at Roman with some concern walking over to his desk. Roman didn't look up from his computer. "Morning, Logan," he mumbled, sluggishly. "You want to take a look at these notes? There's a lot there, I could do with a second pair of eyes."

"Sure," Logan replied. He didn't like how weary Roman looked. He had dark circles around his eyes and his entire being emanated a lack of energy. He sat down and looked at the notes he'd been handed. He looked back up and saw that Roman was staring off into space. "Are you okay?" Logan asked softly, "You don't look too good."

Roman came back from the other world he seemed to be drifting in at Logan's words, "Me?... Oh, I'm fine, nothing to worry about. What do you think? Of the notes?" He was trying to be upbeat, the last thing he wanted was for Logan to worry about him.

"These are very thorough and well organized," Logan said smiling, hoping to ease the tension a bit. "As for their content, we still have our work cut out. Have we heard back from forensics yet?"

"They've investigated the area where you noticed the metallic substance at the foot of that tree. It's a mixture of glass and amber fragments. A small metal jewellery chain was found in the grass nearby. As for the tree, there was a small hollow compartment where more glass fragments were found along with a small chunk of the amber. No fingerprints though, I'm afraid," Roman yawned, before continuing. "The head of forensics on this investigation came in this morning. They didn’t think we'd be here so they were going to leave a note, but I was here, so they briefed me."

Logan nodded and typed out the information on his computer. "Did they say if the fragments looked like they were from some sort of container? Or were there any traces of some other substances on the pieces?" Logan felt his mind revert into work mode. He didn't want to overthink worrying about Roman, not right now anyway.

"Yes, there were traces of blood on some of the glass fragments. They can't tell exactly yet, but they think it was jewellery, a necklace or pendant of some kind." Roman rubbed his thumb and forefinger on his temple, massaging it lightly. "I'm so sorry Logan, you'll have to excuse me, I need to go take a painkiller." He stood up shakily and fumbled with his bag, grabbing a water bottle and a small box. He then walked out of the room.

So much for not worrying about him, Logan thought to himself. He wondered if he should talk to the captain about his concerns. He worried he'd be brushed off if he did so he thought better of it as he continued typing away at his computer and comparing the new notes to his own. He was deep in concentration by the time Roman came back and barely noticed as he sat down at his desk.

Roman placed the box back into his bag and took another sip from the bottle, before putting that in his bag too. He leaned forward, his head leaning against his hand as he sighed looking over at Logan. Throughout the day, Roman did minimal work, he drank a lot of water and eventually his headache went away, but there wasn't much he could do about the tiredness and fatigue he felt. Logan kept giving his concerned lingering glances and he didn't like that he was distracting him, but it felt good to know Logan cared enough to worry about him.

"Hey, you mentioned that you knew the girl from a youth café correct?" Logan asked. Roman nodded slowly at him, his face tense as if the memories hurt. "Have you asked around to see if anyone potentially knows anything about what happened?"

"No... no, I haven't, it's been closed, my brother, the owner, he's very upset by all this. There wouldn't have been a chance to. Though...I think Virgil might be helping him open up the shop tomorrow. Bad for business if it's closed too long, you see."

"Yeah, I can understand that. Do you think it would be worth giving it a shot when it does reopen?" Logan hoped he didn't seem too pushy, but they didn't have many other leads to go on for the moment and it seemed worth the try.

"We can, yes, it would be a smart idea. Would you like me to let Patton know we're coming?" Roman asked, his features open and a little less painful than they had been. "I mean, sure yeah, it would only be fair to advise him that we'd be coming with grounds for investigation after all." Logan was glad to see that Roman seemed a little more relaxed.

“Okay, I'll make sure I do that.” Roman looked at his computer screen and caught sight of the time "Logan, it's 4 pm, I know we usually go home for half four, but I don't think I'll be of much more use and I did come in two hours early this morning. Would you be okay on your own for half an hour? If you're not, I can stay. Or I could ask the captain if we could both go home a little early? We did get a lot done today. Or, if you wanted...we could go get a coffee from my brother's café to let him know about the interview tomorrow. It isn't open to the public today but Virgil and Patton live just above the café, I can guarantee they will be there prepping for opening tomorrow so it wouldn't be extra trouble."

Logan pondered for a moment. What exactly was Roman implying by this last offer? "Yeah sure that would be good if you're sure that they'd be okay with that," he answered finally smiling. Whatever this was he didn't want to pass this opportunity up to spend time with Roman off work.

"Okay, give me one second to go speak to the captain, I'll be right back," Roman beamed. He had energy flowing through him right now that he hadn't shown all day and his first genuine smile was directed right at Logan. He turned the corner and left Logan in the office.

Logan smiled to himself and sighed. He didn't usually hang out with coworkers outside of the office. Then again none of his other coworkers had ever really asked. He finished up the last of what he wanted to do for the day so that when Roman came back he was ready to go.

Roman rushed back in with a massive, dopey grin on his face, it was a change, to say the least. As he started speaking his eyes had a childlike gleam in them. "He said yes! Come on, hun lets go." He beamed grabbing his bag and rushing out to his car a clear optimism in his demeanour. Logan then heard him dashing through the double doors and heading down the stairs.

Logan couldn't help but laugh at this. Roman's energy was infectious. He picked his stuff up and headed out as well through the main office. He nodded to the captain on his way out. "You kids have fun," he called out to Logan with a knowing smile. Logan flushed at this and picked up his pace to catch up to Roman.

Roman smiled at Logan from his place in the front seat of his car and waited for him to get in, beckoning him in. Roman's music of choice was playing through the open window. It was a cheerful, high energy song that sounded very theatrical.

Logan was really glad to see Roman so happy. It did him good to be around someone who could find happiness in the simplest of things. "Why is it that you seem like a person who has a playlist for every occasion," he teased Roman as he entered the vehicle. "Making playlists is fun! I love giving them different themes and colours-" Roman then picked up on the teasing tone in Logan's voice and threw him a look of mock offence. "...You're making fun of me," he whined.

Logan smirked at this. "Investigator by day, Disney obsessed manchild by night," he said playfully. He couldn't help but wonder if this was how Roman coped with the dreariness of cases. One would have no choice but to be able to lift one's spirits easily if they were to stand a chance at doing this kind of job for an extended period. Logan was happy to kick back and relax for once.

Roman frowned, glaring playfully at Logan, "I'll have you know that I am not a manchild!" He huffed, crossing his arms, successfully holding back a smile.

"Oh yeah, sure, I'm really convinced now," Logan laughed good-naturedly. He hadn't had this much fun, in a long time.

Roman turned back to Logan and smirked evilly. "Oh, I'll convince you," he winked and started the car driving out of the parking lot and onto the road that led into town.

"Oh boy now I'm in for it," Logan mused. They soon arrived at the café. It was a nice two-story building lined with large windows looking into a cosy place. Logan wondered how he had never noticed it before.

"We're here," Roman smiled, "Come on, let's go." Roman climbed out of the car shutting the door and locking it behind Logan, he then proceeded to go up to the coffee shop and walk-in, pushing open the door. Roman walked into the quiet coffee shop and smiled at the sight of a quiet boy with purple hair who stood behind the counter, wiping it down. "Hey Virgil, we just wanted to let you guys know that we're coming in for an interview tomorrow." Virgil smiled slyly at Roman "We? I thought you worked alone. Have they finally found a partner for you that isn't a homophobe or just a massive dickhead? Are they cute?" Logan coughed, gaining the attention of Virgil who smirked. "Sup."

"Uh.. helo, I'm Logan," he replied, not quite sure what else to say for the moment. Roman had said that this guy was dating his brother. That could only mean that Virgil had been implying that for Roman's sake?

Virgil smirked giving Roman a knowing look. "I'm Virgil, I'll go get Pat, you two get a table." He snorted as Roman mock glared at him. Virgil disappeared upstairs and Roman then turned to Logan, "I'm so sorry about him, he can be a little too...Virgil, sometimes."

Logan's cheeks were now flushed a light pink. "Uh, haha yeah he's funny alright," Logan replied completely out of his wits. Roman gestured towards a table and they both sat down. Not long after, Virgil descended followed by another guy, he seemed to exude childlike energy even more so than Roman.

"Patton!" Roman smiled, "How are you?" The man in question then bounced over smiling at Roman brightly. "I'm pretty good, well, since-... As good as I can be, considering the circumstances. How about you, Ro? You still have those nightmares?... you look tired."

Roman hesitated, "Yes, I am, but it's not that bad, I'll be fine. Logan, this is my brother, Patton. Patton, this is Logan, my partner." Patton beamed at him and held his hand out to shake Logan's, warmly. "Nice to meet you, Logan. Although Roman, 'partner' is a bit formal, you could just say boyfriend." He smiled, flouncing over to the coffee maker as Virgil snickered. Roman just sighed and rubbed his fingers across the bridge of his nose tiredly, while Logan’s cheeks went from pink to bright red.

"Patton," Virgil called, still chuckling to himself. "Yes, Virgil?" Patton asked, concentrated on making the coffee. "He used ‘partner’ because they aren't dating. They’re work partners." Virgil managed to get out between laughs. Patton looked up from the coffee he was making and considered for a second. "Oh... Oh, I'm so sorry, you two, I didn't mean to assume. I just thought because Roman works alone that he wouldn't get another partner. You must be very good at what you do, Logan. Roman has gained a very unhealthy tendency to carry the workload of two people, it's not good for him."

"Yeah I can see that," responded Logan, glancing over at Roman who had carry-on under-eye bags. "Um it...it's nice to meet you two... this is a nice place you have..." Logan hated small talk like nothing else but so help him they really needed to move on to another subject.

Patton moved back to making the coffee, "Yeah, it's taken a lot to build a proper safe place for young people to just be themselves. It's a difficult thing to do. Teenagers, they just don't know where's a safe place anymore. I'm proud of what we've done here. It's really a nice place. It was Virgil’s idea, we all worked together to get it done. How's the investigation going? Virgil said you needed an interview tomorrow?"

"Yeah, if that's okay with you... and if it would be okay to ask around with some other regulars who might have also known the vic...I mean.. the.. you know.." Logan felt bad saying it out loud. He didn't want to appear as if he didn't see that they were grieving this loss.

"Oh...Do you mean Amanda?... Yes, that's fine, just-" Patton was interrupted by Virgil cutting in and finishing for him. "Find the bastard who did this. Amanda was...a good kid...she was in the wrong crowd, but she really was a sweet girl." Patton nodded in agreement, walking over and placing their coffee on the table and then wrapping his arms around Virgil's waist. Roman nodded at Virgil in affirmation, "We will."

"Oh yeah.. for sure... I mean... I don't have the same uh... personal involvement but of course. We will do everything we can so that the truth comes to light," Logan responded nervously.

Patton sighed, "Good, well, it was very nice to meet you, Logan but we have things to set up for tomorrow, upstairs. I really appreciate the notice, though, we would have been swamped tomorrow." He then turned and walked upstairs with Virgil in tow.

"Are you alright?" Roman asked once they were gone. "I love them, but they can be a little much, sometimes. You looked a little...well, uncomfortable. Pretty much exactly how Virgil looks when he wants to, 'escape’ a social situation."

"It shows that much huh?" Logan replied sheepishly. "I'm really not much of a people person, to be honest, Asperger's syndrome tends to make social interactions a little more... complicated I guess."

"That's perfectly fine, Virgil isn't much of a people person either. The last thing I would want is for you to be uncomfortable, please let me know if that happens. I don't want you to feel stuck or overwhelmed, especially when there's something I can do to help." Roman smiled at Logan with a determined and genuine look in his eye.

"Thank you," Logan sighed with gratitude. "I really appreciate you being understanding, not everyone is." They locked eyes for a moment, Roman stared into Logan's eyes and then managed to pull away from his reverie.

"Well, you deserve respect just as much as anybody else does, Logan. Some understanding in the face of something so personal is the least I could do."

Logan smiled back. He felt oddly comfortable in Roman’s presence, in a way he had never felt before. It took a special kind of person to be so non-judgemental of another’s character. "We should probably get going," he said eventually, his common sense taking over once more.

"Yeah...Yes, of course, I'll drive you home." He smiled, getting up and walking over to the door, holding it open for Logan as he smiled at him gaily. It was now undeniable, he clearly felt something for Logan and was surprised at how natural it felt.

*** Tag list (let us know if you would like to be added or removed): @crossiantgay

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novelnerdqueers · 3 years

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Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 3

Summary : Roman and Logan work on another case together, but this one doesn't seem so black and white. Roman begins to get a little more comfortable with Logan, throwing some friendly conversation his way and Logan isn't totally sure how to feel about it.

CW: talk of murder cases

Previous chapter Next chapter From the beginning Read on ao3

Chapter 3 - Personal Attachments

The next morning Roman woke up early. He made some breakfast and as he ate, the theatrical man began to internally plan his day for himself. Today they were going down to the crime scene for a new case , which wasn't his favourite thing. They tended to always come back to haunt him, especially when the victim was young. He drove to work and was sitting in the office, however, Logan was nowhere to be seen. He thought it was strange and he was a little disappointed but he got to work, nonetheless.

Logan walked into the office and tried his best to offer a warm greeting. "Sorry I'm late," he apologized. "They needed me back in the archives, my old department, they just needed help organizing stuff that hadn’t been finalized from back before I left.” He sat down and looked at Roman, primed and ready for the day. "So what are we up to today?"

"We have to examine the crime scene. It's about a twenty-minute drive but I want to start early so let’s get going, hun," he smirked at Logan, throwing him an experimental wink. He then briskly and gracefully walked out of the office with a neat folder of notes and files under his arm. "You can look at these on the drive over, it's good intel."

Logan followed Roman feeling rather bewildered. Was Roman flirting with him or was that just his sense of humour? Logan couldn't tell and it made him slightly uneasy. Now they were alone in a small vehicle together and he could feel the faint whisper of gay panic™ in the back of his mind. Get a grip man, he thought to himself as he attempted to read through the file Roman had given him.

"It talks about the body in the file, mainly specific details, but they had to remove it from the scene. We are working on a 100-metre radius from where the body was found. We have to look for anything that seems suspicious or like it might help with the case or give us a potential lead," Roman explained as he drove. They arrived at the scene and got out of the car to join the others who had already started working. Early morning sun highlighted the more acute features on Roman's face, his long eyelashes, defined cheekbones and honey freckles.

Logan tried not to stare, he really did. But the breeze playing with Roman's hair in the soft morning light made it hard not to. They were on the side of a highway off-ramp and behind them, the city rose up high with buildings. Before them, down beyond the ramp, a path led to a small wooded area where the body had been found. Logan had never been on an actual crime scene yet, so this was new to him . "I'm thinking that those woods might hold some interesting information," he said as he headed slowly towards the trees, Roman following right behind.

Logan was quickly feeling more confident and even if he'd never admit it, Roman was happy he was adjusting so well. "The body was found near the woods, by the treeline. It was in pretty bad condition too. The cause of death was blunt force trauma and it was recorded to be on the temple, also marks and bruises on the arms and a few hits to the back and abdomen. We think it was a bat, but we haven't found the weapon yet."

Logan entered the forest path and wandered a bit, looking for anything that could be a clue. He stepped beyond the path and saw a tree that seemed oddly damaged. "You said you guys thought the weapon might have been a bat right?" Roman nodded to him, obviously curious to see where Logan was going with this. "The branches on this tree look like they supported a lot of unexpected weight. Kind of as if someone was trying to climb and then suddenly fell. A tumble from the top would definitely cause multiple contusions and the size of the branches could very well match our victim's injuries."

Roman gave a small thoughtful look in consideration. He walked around the tree, circling around the base as he scanned the bark. "You know? It does add up. It's definitely possible." Roman turned to where a few people were rushing about, busily scanning at places of interest. "Jane? I want forensics on this area, specifically the tree, we need to place where the victim was before she died," Roman yelled over at a smaller woman who quickly turned at hearing her name, then gave Roman a nod in acknowledgement. He then turned to Logan. "That's a pretty good theory, you want to keep looking?"

Logan hadn't heard that last comment, he was deep in thought, trying to connect the dots. "Why would she have climbed the tree though?" he mused out loud. "I mean sure to escape would be the immediate idea, but it's really not the best place to hide or getaway. There's nowhere to go from up there if she did end up getting caught." Logan approached the tree and looked up through the branches. "Is it just me or does it look like there might be a hole in the side of the trunk up there?"

Roman followed Logan's line of sight and saw that on the side of the tree there did seem to be a hollow compartment, just past the thick, brown bark. "I think you're right, it seems almost hollow." He frowned, "Don't touch it, we need the forensic team." He jogged over to where the forensics team was and went to speak to Jane, leaving Logan briefly on his own.

Logan scanned the ground around the tree. He walked around a bit, still keeping his eyes on the forest floor. He suddenly stopped and knelt by a patch of leaves. Something was glinting on the ground. "Hey Roman," Logan called, pointing out the section of leaves. "What do you think that might be?" he asked once Roman was back next to him

Roman's face screwed up in confusion, "I'm not sure, Logan, but I bet you know." He smirked semi-sarcastically, waiting for Logan to continue.

"Well, it looks like some form of precious or semi-precious stone. My theory is that this is a remnant of whatever loot was stashed in that tree." Logan was really starting to enjoy himself. He was usually quite good at coming up with theories and having accurate conclusions. It was nice that for once his ideas were being taken seriously in a work-related environment.

"Could it also be shards of glass? Some form of metal, perhaps?" Roman suggested.

"I mean maybe... guess we'll have to see what forensic says." Logan felt like he was maybe getting a little too ahead of himself.

"Exactly, though it wasn't an outlandish theory, it was getting a little off track." Roman patted Logan's shoulder and then promptly refocused his attention on the case. "Do you want me to show you the area where the body was found? It's a lot of blood, just for the fair warning," he winced as he seemed to be thinking about it.

"Yeah if it's okay, I’d like to go see. This is my first crime scene so I'd like to take the full experience to see if I can actually handle it." Logan got back up and followed Roman to where it was obvious the girl's body was found. He felt a little queasy at the sight of it all, but mostly he was intrigued.

He was glad he wasn't too squeamish and didn't end up making a fool of himself in front of the others. It hadn't rained since the incident so the blood marks were still visible on the ground. Logan looked up and saw that Roman’s face held a pained expression. He couldn't help but wonder why. Roman had to be somewhat used to it at this point.

As Roman stood there, he couldn’t help but think about how no matter how many times he saw it, he would never get used to seeing bodies or blood. It was heart-breaking, she was so young too... He stood there for a while, quiet as he watched Logan observe the scene. It helped to have him there. Roman felt that little bit safer, which he definitely needed at a scene like this. He had stayed quiet as Logan walked around the scene, the usually boisterous man not making any kind of remark, his movements were anxious and delicate. He was acting the opposite of...well, Roman. Logan had never seen him freaked out like this. He wasn't sure why yet, he didn't know if he wanted to know either.

As Logan analyzed the scene, he made an effort to take in every detail. He had an eidetic memory so whatever he noticed now he knew he would be able to remember later if need be. He was ready to head back and update his notes on the case. He looked at Roman. "So are we done here? Are we heading back to the office or..?"

For a second, Roman didn't acknowledge that he'd said anything. He stared at the bloody floor, like it had a soul, and glared before he opened his mouth to speak, and then hesitated as nothing came out. He tried again, "....Y-Yeah, we should, we can type up our...observations," he sighed, shakily turning to the car and walking in that direction.

Logan wondered if he should be worried about Roman. He wasn't all that good at deciphering emotions and his empathy wasn't the best. Still, he had the feeling something was off. Roman was quiet as they drove back. Even being generally one for silence, Logan suddenly couldn't help himself anymore. "Hey um... I don't know if you mind my asking but... are you okay?"

Roman blinked slightly, seemingly stuck between shocked and scared. He bit down on his lower lip and sighed, "I'm-...I'm fine, it's just with...those sorts of scenes...I've seen some shit, Logan...that doesn't mean it's any easier to look at. That was a person, one we failed to save, one I failed to save..."

"Woah where did that come from?" exclaimed Logan. He was shocked by what he had just heard. "You sound like you knew her... did... did you?" Logan was afraid he'd gone too far but the fire and pain burning in Roman's eyes concerned him greatly.

"Not...not properly, I mean, somewhat....she is-...was a regular at my brother's café. It's a youth café, a safe space for people to just relax, no pressure, she was there a lot. A few times I drove her home because she used to stay past closing time. God, Patton, my brother, was heartbroken. His boyfriend has barely gotten him to move this week, but Virgil is acting like practically a saint. So yes, I did know her. She was...a wonderful person."

Logan couldn't speak. He was flabbergasted by Roman's confession. He had really misjudged him that first morning. Roman now looked on the verge of tears. Logan felt a knot in his stomach as he tried to take it all in. "Wow...I.. just... wow..." There really wasn't much to be said after something like that.

"D-...Don't even think about pitying me... I don't want pity, I want justice, this girl was innocent, and now...she's gone. I need to put it right, to fix it." He rubbed at his face.

"Look I find it admirable what you're doing, but aren't you putting a lot on yourself?" Logan was genuinely concerned at this point. "Like you seem a bit too emotionally invested in this for it to be mentally healthy no?" He really hoped he wasn't overstepping his bounds, but he didn't like the way Roman seemed to blame himself for something that clearly was not his fault.

Roman's hands tightened slightly on the wheel and he tensed up, "I just want her to be given the justice she deserves. I'm sure I'll be fine, I've dealt with a lot more work and a lot of worse cases before. So what if this one just happens to be someone I know?" Why does he care so much? I just don't understand it, though it's nice to have someone care about me again, I don't really understand why he does. "I appreciate the concern, but I've been fine, aside from the occasional nightmare and feeling a little more stressed than usual."

Logan's eyes widened at this point. He wasn't sure if he should be telling anyone about this or not. He definitely didn't want to be the snitch to tattle but he didn't think this was following department code. Then again what did he know? He also didn't dare betray Roman's trust. "Okay then..." Logan replied, "You and I will do our very best to get to the bottom of this."

Roman seemed to relax ever so slightly at this. They sat in silence for the rest of the way. Logan tried to not let this bother him too much, but he had an odd suspicion about the case after what they had seen today. He didn't tell Roman, not after what he had just heard, but he had a feeling that the girl might not have been as completely innocent as Roman believed.

…...

They got back to the station, and Roman was regretting telling Logan about knowing her. He just needed to tell someone and Logan was, or at least seemed to be trustworthy. He sat at his desk and wrote up his notes, watching as Logan sat at his own desk and the steady tapping of keyboards slowly fell in time with one another. "Hey, Logan? I'm sorry if I put a lot on you, back in the car. I don't think this is my fault, I know it's not. But it's my job to find them, the people who did this..."

Logan nodded slowly at this. "I get that I guess." So Roman was at the very least partially disillusioned in regards to his personal investment in the case and his heart was in the right place. That comforted him a bit. "Well, sorry if I seemed insensitive earlier, I tend to do that unwillingly.." Logan really wanted this partnership to go well. Not only for the sake of his new job but because he genuinely was starting to enjoy working with Roman.

Roman stared for a second, seeming to be considering something. "No, it's fine, I understand. I wouldn't really know how to react to something like that either. The captain knows that I knew her and how I knew her, just not in detail." Roman smiled at Logan meaningfully, taking a deep breath and starting to speak again. "I don't usually talk about anything, especially to people I don’t know very well , but you seem...trustworthy. I like you, Logan, you aren't as...unpredictable as others can be. It feels safer." He smiled nervously and then went back to his typing.

"I... I think that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time." Logan immediately blushed at hearing himself. Out loud always sounded different than in his head. He turned to his own screen and tried to look busy, which wasn't too hard since he was trying to reorganize all their current information. But it was true. Logan was used to being teased for being so tame, so unspontaneous. It wasn't that his old coworkers didn't have nice things to say, but it was always about the job and the things he did. Who he was as a person always seemed to be the butt of every joke.

Roman looked up from his work, pushing his fears down as they bubbled fiercely in the pit of his stomach. "You don't get many compliments?" He asked, a slight smirk picking upon his face as he immediately took the opportunity presented to him "That's surprising. I would have thought you'd get compliments all the time, especially with a face like that."

Now Logan knew his face had to be bright red and for the sake of not being completely embarrassed, he ignored the second half of that compliment. "Well I mean I'd receive praise in regards to my work ethic, getting the job done and being able to deliver. But I don't really get... how can I say this... I'm not used to... personal compliments." He looked up at Roman, hoping he understood what he meant. "It's funny... with you, I realise I don't feel like I have to feel bad about being myself." Logan swallowed, he couldn't remember the last time he'd been this honest with anyone.

"Well, they clearly didn't see what I see." Before he could even think about it, the words had already left his lips. Roman was internally freaking out, but on the outside, he looked at Logan with such care and honesty. Logan is getting flustered, maybe tone it down a bit, don't scare him off, he thought to himself. Watching as Logan stuttered and hesitated while trying to form a coherent response, he really doesn't get that many compliments.

Now Logan was in full panic mode. The kindness and sincerity in Roman's eyes were jarring to him. He desperately tried to answer something, but at the moment his thoughts just would not form sentences. Is this guy flirting with me or I am reading way too much into this? Logan thought nervously. "Well... I.. thank you.. it means a lot coming from someone like you."

"Someone like me?" Roman beamed, watching the other officer as he quickly got more and more flustered. He got up and walked over to Logan's desk, sitting on the desk chair next to him. "What do you mean by that?"

He looked annoyingly casual the whole time, not even slightly bothered, aside from the light blush against his freckled cheeks. Other than that, he looked slightly amused and still had the most infuriating and weirdly attractive smirk on his face.

Oh gosh, what did he mean by that? Logan felt cornered. He was afraid of what he might say or how it might be perceived. "It's just... you're experienced here... you've probably worked with a bunch of other people before so you know what you're talking about." Gosh, that sounded lame and impersonal. "I'd heard a lot about you before coming here. You're rather well known in the precinct. No one knows who I am unless they need me."

"Oh right, yes, of course. I've got quite the reputation, yes. Nonetheless, I appreciate the compliment, thank you." He got up and walked back over to his own desk, typing at his keyboard once again. He was rather disappointed. Of course, Logan was talking about his career and his reputation. He rubbed his hand across his face and sighed. "How long do you think you'll need to finish up your notes?"

"Oh um I'm just about finished here. 2 more minutes and I think this should cover everything for now." Logan had thought he’d felt a shift in Roman's mood and he was pretty sure he’d somehow messed up . Maybe Roman had actually been flirting with him. But now it was too late and Logan didn't know how to fix his blunder. He just wanted to finish and go home where he could try to wrap his head around everything.

"Good, I'm just about done, so I'll see you tomorrow?" Roman picked up his bag and tried to hide his disappointment with a smile as he rushed out to get to his car. He knew his mind was probably being a little hard on him, he should think it over and not let it change anything. He liked Logan and a silly crush wouldn't get in the way of that. He drove home and collapsed on his couch, extremely tired and a little upset.

Logan finished up and headed home, his head was throbbing by the time he got back. What had just happened back there? Logan wasn’t entirely sure. Roman was unlike anyone he'd ever met. Sure he'd had the odd crush here and there, but he wasn’t exactly sure what this was, it felt different somehow.

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