oh-no-whoopsie

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also i got anxious that i would log in and somehow all of you would be dead so uh :*)

#death mention tw #thank u brain for the horrible thought

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a dialogue between the unloved and the loving

neil hilborn // miranda july // @orpheuslament // aaron o’hanlon // georges bataille // georges bataille “my mother/madame edwarda/the dead man” // @khariyaha // natalie wee “least of all” // @fridayiminlovemp3 // maria petrovykh “love me. i am pitch black” // “the seven husbands of evelyn hugo” // sylvia plath “johnny panic & the bible of dreams” // mary oliver “wild geese” // sue zhao // virginia woolf from a letter to katherine mansfield // trista mateer

[ID: a collection of excerpts of text.

..saying goodbye. yes, there is a place where someone loves you both before and after they learn what you are.”

“finally, in a low whisper, he said, “i think i might be a terrible person.” for a split second i believed him - i thought he was about to confess a crime, maybe a murder. then i realized that we all think we might be terrible people. but we only reveal this before asking someone to love us. It is a kind of undressing.”

screaming take me as I am or kill me / screaming peel my skin off like a blindfold / screaming love me despite the horror / screaming please, God, love me because of it.

“show me your thorns and i’ll show you hands ready to bleed.”

“i don’t want your love unless you know i’m repulsive and love me as you know it”

People always think we look for love at our lowest to distract us. I am convinced we do it because we want someone to look us in the eye, to look our ugly in the eye and still choose us. I didn’t want a distraction, (highlighted) I wanted you to see a mess and still find me worthy of love, to tell me that you could still love me anyway. (end highlight)

“i kneel into a dream where i / am good & loved. i am good. / i am loved. my hands have made / some good mistakes. they can always / make better ones.

 capitalized letters that look like they’ve been cut and pasted on top of overhead pictures of fields. it reads: “tell me every terrible thing you ever did / and let me love you anyway.”

love me. i am pitch black, / sinful, blind, confused. / but if not you, then who else / is going to love me?

“if you are intolerable, let me be the one to tolerate you,” i said, and then i kissed her and tasted the lemon juice on her lips.

“you have seen the rotten streak in me and you have come back, no matter how bad it was. you have always come back. can’t you see? you have taken me always as I am, no matter what.”

“i wish you wouldn’t look at me like that.” “like what?” “i don’t know,” she hesitated. “like you could love me.”

“i love you, and i am conscious of you all the time.”

in this space right here that we have made for each other, you can say anything and i will not abandon you. unwrap the worst things you have done. watch me hold them up to the light and not even flinch. 

 end of ID]

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i feel like i’m slowly entering that phase if Agressively Pretending Everything’s Fine again and forgetting that like. it’s okay to have bad days/weeks/months on the way to recovery

didnt i make a post on this once. someone get the “take your own advice” flyswatter

#nothing is particularly bad at the moment but i’ll hit a rough patch and instantly be like: hermit?? isolation???

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hi i miss all of you very much <3

#dbdjfjdk i dunno what to say i just miss you guys :)

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oh and also further context:

usually i bring my book <3 and sit and read for a while but i just felt like staring at water for a bit so that is what i did

also despite my jokes about it this was not a “let me dress up so i look out of place and then go walk in the woods to see how my neighbors react!!” situation. i’d been wearing that outfit all day and i didn’t feel like changing so i could hang out in the woods. i didn’t even expect to see anyone. i’ve not seen anyone down there since last summer, and even then it’d only ever be for a moment. so. ernie and tiny ernie are my new awkward neighbor friends

normalize lying to strangers about what you’re majoring in college. what are they gonna do. what. they don’t have to know and i deserve a bit of fun

sitting on warped trees is a very cool and sexy thing to do bc i said so. all of my Forest Pastimes are cool and sexy (with the exception of accidentally taking a nap that one time and also the three mosquito bites i received while watching a tiny bird).

it’s that time of week where i remember that i have a tumblr and then promptly forget!

this week’s excuse: forgive me but i’ve been in the woods

and i mean

someone has to be the local Thing! in the Woods! and well i couldn’t find any and no one else was stepping up for the role so

anywho let me tell you story about a man and his son. let’s call them ernie and tiny ernie because they both had the same name. ernie and tiny ernie decide to drive through the forest on a quad and not stay on the path and rip up the ground again go fishing at sundown for some family bonding time. but when they walk around the rocks they are not alone! what will they do when they discover a stranger!

(stranger in question: me, in a dark teal dress my dad said looks like what the wives from the handmaid’s tale wear, the same “white” sneakers i wore every day to school, very messy hair, and altogether too much jewelry on, standing where the forest, lake, and shore all meet, just. staring quietly at the lake)

the answer is ask fun neighbor questions like “do you like nature?” and “so you live here? like up the street?” and “wait what was your name again?” yknow. all that. but they seemed pleasant enough so i sat on a rock and stared at the lake until sundown :) 10/10 highly recommend

#anyway that’s all the tumblr we have time for this week ! #stay tuned for next time when i dissolved into a cloud of spores and my bones become moss!!! #no but this is actually how i spent yesterday evening. my goodness why am i like this #am i doing the “no-longer-depressed’’ thing correctly

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it’s that time of week where i remember that i have a tumblr and then promptly forget!

this week’s excuse: forgive me but i’ve been in the woods

and i mean

someone has to be the local Thing! in the Woods! and well i couldn’t find any and no one else was stepping up for the role so

anywho let me tell you story about a man and his son. let’s call them ernie and tiny ernie because they both had the same name. ernie and tiny ernie decide to drive through the forest on a quad and not stay on the path and rip up the ground again go fishing at sundown for some family bonding time. but when they walk around the rocks they are not alone! what will they do when they discover a stranger!

(stranger in question: me, in a dark teal dress my dad said looks like what the wives from the handmaid’s tale wear, the same “white” sneakers i wore every day to school, very messy hair, and altogether too much jewelry on, standing where the forest, lake, and shore all meet, just. staring quietly at the lake)

the answer is ask fun neighbor questions like “do you like nature?” and “so you live here? like up the street?” and “wait what was your name again?” yknow. all that. but they seemed pleasant enough so i sat on a rock and stared at the lake until sundown :) 10/10 highly recommend

#i just love the woods very much :)

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Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.

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The Quiraing, Isle of Skye, Scotland / 15.10.2019

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1900s french lace cape / black arches moth

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The sacred place of silent minds and deep souls is the depths of the forest.

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cannot stop thinking abt the paris review’s essay series on the history & significance of certain colours, hue’s hue:

Periwinkle, the Color of Poison, Modernism, and Dusk

Eau de Nil, the Light-Green Color of Egypt-Obsessed Europe

Marian Blue, the Color of Angels, Virgins, and Other Untouchable Things

Incarnadine, the Bloody Red of Fashionable Cosmetics and Shakespearean Poetics

Jonquil, the Light Yellow of Early Flowers, Mad Painters, and Dust Bowl–Era Pottery

Scheele’s Green, the Color of Fake Foliage and Death

Lilac, the Color of Half Mourning, Doomed Hotels, and Fashionable Feelings

Hooker’s Green: The Color of Apple Trees and Envy

Blaze Orange, the Color of Fear, Warnings, and the Artificial

Chartreuse, the Color of Elixirs, Flappers, and Alternate Realities

Living Coral, the Brutal Hue of Climate Change and Brand New iPhones

Mustard, the Color of Millennial Candidates, Problematic Lattes, and Aboriginal Paintings

Russet, the Color of Peasants, Fox Fur, and Penance

Verdigris: The Color of Oxidation, Statues, and Impermanence

(also, tag yourselves, i’m russet)

#colours??!!! #pretty?!?!!

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i love the feeling when someone asks me about one of my hyperfixations and it summons all my thoughts at once like my brain is a discord server that just got hit with an @everyone

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tw food mention //

made myself pasta with sauce and was thinking about how great it is to not be trying to starve myself and not even five minutes later my sister walks into my room and with no prompting begins to talk to me about “how she didn’t know so many thin people got fucked up from comments on it too” and skinny shaming and all that and got mad when i stopped her and told her this was one of the few things i couldn’t handle talking about :D

#i always feel bad about it too #she literally treated me like i was the devil for telling her no though #like logically i know i have privilege bc of my appearance too #don’t get me wrong #i know my experience was how it was for a reason #tw ed mention #tw food #tw food mention #vent post

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good afternoon look at me remembering i have a tumblr (i will forget again as soon as i close the app)

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me: haha i’m probably just cis and faking it for attention

cloud nine (ft. tegan and sara) by beach bunny: but when they love me i feel like i’m floating when they call me pretty i-

me: sobbing

(the verse it’s in starts around 1:56 in case you’re wondering)

#you guys #YOU GUYS #hhhhhhhhbbvhbbhhh #validation„„„„ this song is so„„ fuck #i #ndnnfdkkxk #my brain is so #i just want to listen to this song again and again #forever #BUT WHEN THEY LOVE ME #I FEEL LIKE IM FLOATING #WHEN THEY CALL ME PRETTY #imagine someone is thinking of you #and singing that song (just imagine) #and they #use they/them #and #fuck #i logged in just to post this

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finding it very funny that at 12 i was reading about sexualities and saying to myself “hmm sounds like i am bi + ace! and somethings up with my gender too, and then immediately discredited myself as “just wanting to be different” and

well here we are today so

here’s a hug for twelve year old me <3

#not a fan of specific labels atm but #i’m queer #poor 12yr old me like it’s ok!! you’re allowed to question!! #i think it’s funny u were right on a lot of it #go you tbh

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life lessons from the forest part three:

curl up in a ball on the forest floor by a lake like you are a tiny little deer.

case in point: i do this all the time and it’s pretty great

#bee you really hit the nail on the head with the nickname #i look like a doe #act like a doe #take tiny naps in the woods like a doe #yes i might be murdered someday leave me alone #jkjk i’m safe #drafts from my cerebral cortex