omens-the-stars-send

[omens-the-stars-send]

10/29/2020

Aries: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. They use that as a distraction so you won’t see them strike. Make sure to keep your eyes on their stingers.

Taurus: Revenge is a dish best served cold. It comes with a side salad and your choice of potatoes. It pairs best with a white wine.

Gemini: It’s a common misconception that cats have nine lives. They actually each take nine lives. And your cat is about to take its last life. Better be careful.

Cancer: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. So use a stone to kill it, thus you have killed two birds with one stone.

Leo: The world is your oyster. Too bad you’re allergic to shellfish.

Virgo: You can’t have an omelette without breaking a few eggs. You also can’t have one without a frying pan, a stove, and some salt and pepper to taste. Please check out my cooking blog for a full recipe.

Libra: Did you know that trees can see you? Be thankful that they do not judge.

Scorpio: It’s not your fault that you’re a Scorpio. But it’s your fault you’re staying one. Time travel exists for a reason you know.

Sagittarius: You should go check on Cancer. They are trying to kill birds. Tell them to cut it out.

Capricorn: Be yourself. Wait, no. Sorry. That is supposed to say bee yourself. Turn into a bee. Just do it. You won’t regret it.

Aquarius: Might want to wear a lot of red this week. Helps hide any blood stains.

Pisces: You do not need to be the best there is, because simply by being you are doing amazing.

#sorry scorpio #stars #omens #horoscope #horoscopes #omens the stars send

[omens-the-stars-send]

9/29/2020

Aries: You control the future! No, really. You alone control it. Please take this responsibility seriously.

Taurus: Your horoscope is brought to you by Amazon. Amazon: there is no ethical consumption under capitalism so you might as well give your money to us.

Gemini: What comes up, must come down. More specifically, it is coming down this afternoon. So look out for falling debris.

Cancer: Your weekly horoscope is a fill in the blank. Overall, you will have a ____ week. You will _____ at the _____ before you ______. Your _____ will _____. Finally, your week will come to an abrupt and _____ end when you are hit on the _____ by a falling ______, killing you ______. Choose wisely!

Leo: You will be switching bodies with Taurus this week. Kind of a Freaky Friday deal. Should be fun and teach you a valuable life lesson.

Virgo: Tigers can run as fast as 40 MPH. The nearest tiger to you is 43.8 miles away. Keep that in mind.

Libra: Take some you time this week. Take yourself on a night out. Ask yourself, “who are you?” Demand answers. Why are there two of you? Does the other you have good intentions or are they less begin. Keep a close eye on yourself this week.

Scorpio: Fall is here. Hopefully it’s not from too high up.

Sagittarius: I know your secret. Don’t worry, I won’t tell Aquarius. It’s not like they read this thing anyways.

Capricorn: You’re what is referred to as a triple threat: three dogs in a trench coat. Who’s a good boys? That’s right! It’s you.

Aquarius: Be the worm on a string you want to see in the world.

Pisces: If you love something, let it go. Was it a bird? I know you love birds, but you can’t keep catching them like this. They belong outside.

#horoscopes #horoscope #future #stars #omens #omens from the stars #tiger

[omens-the-stars-send]

My inbox is unsealed

It has been long since I last spoke. Yet I am still here. If you have questions, I can consult the stars. If you need predictions, I can offer prophetic fever dreams. So ask away. Be be warned, it shall come at a price. 

That price will be a complement. Please say something kind about me. Thank you <3

[omens-the-stars-send]

4 3 2020

Aries: Duck

Taurus: Duck

Gemini: Duck

Cancer: Goose

Leo: Wombat

Virgo: Duck

Libra: Three ducks in a trench coat

Scorpio: Duck

Sagittarius: Decay is the default state of the universe. Life is pushing against this for a time. Keep pushing. Entropy will come for you one day, but not today

Capricorn:  Duck

Aquarius: Duck

Pisces: Goose

[omens-the-stars-send]

3 25 2020 (Now in color!)

Aries: What is in a name? A rose by any other name would be just as poisonous.

Taurus: The stars have updated their terms and conditions. They will be coming to you via a dream soon. Please allow the entire dream to happen before accepting.

Gemini: Please keep an eye out. It will try and get in. For gods’ sake do not let it in. Keep an eye out.

Cancer: Your body is a temple: ancient, made mostly out a stone, and inhabited by gods long forgotten to time.

Leo: Continuing with our game of Twister: Left tentacle, ultra-violate.

Virgo: There is no time like the present. It’s limited edition. Make sure you keep it in the box or it losses most of its value.

Libra: Do you want to build a snowman? No? Too bad. Get back to work.

Scorpio: All things must end. But don’t worry, they will be back after a word from our sponsors.

Sagittarius: You can never look behind you. You have no way of being sure that nothing is following you, ducking behind you as you turn around to look. But don’t worry. I can tell you with certainty that there is in fact something following you. It’s a duck. His name is Bill and he has your back, metaphorically speaking. You aren’t ready to hear what literally has your back. Bill is right behind you. He wants to be friends.

Capricorn: Good news! You are immortal. Wait, actually no. Sorry. That says in mortal. Huh. Wonder what that means.

Aquarius: It’s darkest just before dawn. That’s when they strike, in the dark. That way you won’t see them until it’s too late.

Pisces: Got Milk? Well you shouldn’t. You’re lactose intolerant.

[omens-the-stars-send]

3 18 2021

Aries: Hindsight is twenty-twenty. Normal sight should also be twenty-twenty. You should see an optometrist.

Taurus: The future is bright. So very bright. Blinding white light. It scorches your pupils. Nothing but light. You cannot look away.

Gemini: Stocks are down; Invest in gold. Take your investments and smelt them down and make a really cool sword. There, now you have a golden sword. Your financial future might be uncertain, but doesn’t it feel nice?

Cancer: Remember to wash your hands. After all, it is time for spring cleaning.

Leo: Up is down; left is right. Forward is still thankfully forward, and backwards seems to be missing. More updates to come.

Virgo: You cannot always get what you want. I mean, like, what kind of person would want that? Who actually sees that and thinks to themself, “gee, that sure would be great.” Like come on. You cannot get everything you want. So maybe start wanting better stuff. Seriously.

Libra: You need to start opening yourself up to change. Open wide. Wider. Change is coming and it is large.

Scorpio: Due to budget cuts, Scorpio is no longer part of the offered zodiac. A letter containing your new birth date will be delivered to you through the standard mail shortly. We appreciate your understanding.

Sagittarius: Society might make you think you need to be productive. That you must have a purpose in your life and contribute a vital part to the world in order to exist. That if you are not working all the time on something that you are failing. Do not listen. Watch a bird for a few hours. Such a good time.

Capricorn: Change comes from within. So does heartburn. Have some Tums.

Aquarius: Time travel is in fact possible. But you will not like what you find. That’s why you prevented yourself from ever doing it in the first place. You had to forget what you found.

Pisces: Be happy; don’t worry. Oh, sorry. It’s actually bee’s happy. There’s a little tiny bee the stars wanted me to see. He’s cute. He is very happy. So don’t worry.

#horoscopes #horescope #omen #stars

[omens-the-stars-send]

Dear Pisces,

Dear Pisces,

please stop sending me fish. They are everywhere: my mailbox, dishwasher, backpack, swimming in my morning cup of coffee. I get it; you are upset. I am sorry I did not take the time to find your horoscope. I understand that I hurt you. Please forgive me. I’m running out of names for my new fish friends. 

To help make amends, I will give you a horoscope. That’s what you want right? Right? Remember, you asked for this. 

Pisces: You will have a good week. You have no choice. Everything will go your way. Everything. Be warned. 

[omens-the-stars-send]

From the vault: April 31st 1656

Aries: Time is a construct. You are the carpenter. Take pride in your work.

Taurus: When choosing between two evils, pick the one with eight eyes, flaming wings and horns. It is my favorite.

Gemini: A group of crows is called a murder. Aren’t you proud of them?

Cancer: You can run, you can hide, but why would you? That sounds like a lot of work. Maybe just let whatever happens happen.

Leo: Things are looking up. Things are looking down. Things are looking around. Things are looking at you.

Virgo: You will struggle in your career this week. No one said international assassin work would be easy. Keep at it.

Libra: Follow your dreams. Sorry, I meant to say, follow that one dream specifically. You know the one. The one you have every night. The one where you are being chased by a bear through Kmart. You awake from it in a cold sweat. That one. Make it happen.

Scorpio: Your hard work will pay off soon. Specifically, it will be paying off the corrupt police force. Your hard work is a mobster. Good job.

Sagittarius: Many hands make light work. Try growing a few more. You’ll need them this week.

Capricorn: Respect your elders. They’re you from the future, come back to warn you: the future is in danger. You really should listen to them.

Aquarius: Dark times are coming. It’s called night. But don’t worry. The sun will come back soon. I hope.

Pisces: Why do there have to be so many zodiac signs? Do you know how hard it is to come up with 12 of these things each week?

#horoscope #horoscopes #omen

[omens-the-stars-send]

Good News!

The wolves fell asleep so I was able to sneak out of the cave for a bit.

Also, I realized that history repeats itself! So you know what that means! Or maybe you don’t. That’s okay too. It’s my job (is it a job if you were literally created by The Old Ones to do it?) to tell you what it means. I can use old horoscopes again! I’ll be posting some old horoscopes from times past, and they will be just as good as new ones! And if they don’t work, well, then there is something terribly wrong with our timeline. 

Will I pick ones from important dates in history? Like when the Titanic sunk, or President Polk was assassinated? Maybe I will give you some from some of my favorite dates. Or, maybe I will collect some from the newspapers that the ghost boy always delivers to me as he rides by on his rusty bike soundlessly before disappearing again. They all are papers that he must have delivered in his short life from a decade long ago. Who knows what I’ll give you! I do, of course.

So stay tuned for a horoscope coming soon from a past that will happen again soon.

Okay, bye. I love you

#horoscope #stars #omens #Omen of the Stars #love you

[omens-the-stars-send]

It appears that most forms of divination are down. I have contacted IT. They told me to turn them on and off again, so if you noticed the stars flickering last night you know why. This didn’t help at all. While we are working on solving this issue, we have a replacement method to answer all your divination needs. My magic 8 ball still works. So, to answer your question: “try again later”...oh, well, maybe not...sorry 

[omens-the-stars-send]

Country Roads take me...

You think that country roads will take you home, to a place where you belong. But be careful. Those are two very different places indeed. Following these roads, deep in the heart of this land (I forget which land this is, but it does not matter, not really) can take you places. If you are careful, and get very very lucky, you might end up where you wanted to go. You might set out and follow these roads just as you have countless times before. They may be kind to you and take you home once more.

But, they might not. You might be following the same road you’ve taken every day for years, and it might take you some where new. Some where you have never seen before. You won’t take a different turn or forget to turn. It’s the same rout you always take; nothing has changed but where you end up. One day you will follow the roads to their end, turn off your car because you are where you belong, get out and realize that you do not know where you are. This is not your home. This might not even be the same land you started off in. But it is where you belong. Where you will belong forever. Country roads took you not to your home, but where you belong.

But, today is not that day. Today, you will be home. Tomorrow might not be so kind.

#country roads #be careful #GPS will not help you here #Drive safe

[omens-the-stars-send]

I have been dead for so long

But no longer. Still not alive--not like I was before, if that even was life--but I am no longer in the cool slumbers of death. The stars have whispered their sweet lullabies to me and I have awaken a changed person, if you dare call me a person. I will once again be delivering the cryptic messages handed up to me from above to all those who will listen, and many who won’t. But, just as I have changed, so have the messages. Do not expect horoscopes, for you may not get them. In fact, expect nothing, and you will be happy that you got anything at all.

[omens-the-stars-send]

6/20/2019

Aries: There’s an old Chinese proverb that the stars wanted to share with you. Sadly, I do not know how to speak Mandarin so I didn’t understand what they said or know how I would type it out.  But I am sure that the stars were exaggerating when they said  matter of life and death.

Taurus: Did you know that a giraffe is capable of kicking so hard it can kill a lion? Or a human. Did you know that a giraffe is also capable of escaping its zoo exhibit if it really wanted to? Did you know that a giraffe could also make its way from the zoo and travel several miles? Say to your house. Keep those in mind over the next few days.

Gemini: Beware the ides of march. They are sneaking up on you in June.

Cancer: How fire resistant is your clothing? You’ll find out soon enough.

Leo: The stars told me the probability of you winning the lottery. They also told me the probability of you dying. I would hurry up and enjoy your winnings.

Virgo: This week’s horoscope is sponsored by Taco Bell. Taco Bell: consulting the stars and making pacts with the devil since 1743.

Libra: Watch out. They will strike from behind when you expect it, but are still a little surprised by it.

Scorpio: You’ve been working hard. The stars think you deserve a break. Take the week off. Get some you time. Lie low for awhile in a safe, undisclosed location, until it all blows over.

Sagittarius: It’s okay to skip leg day. You won’t have them much longer anyways.

Capricorn: If you love something, let it go. And if it does not turn on you for keeping it locked up for all those years, it just might just be meant to be.

Aquarius: Hope you can swim.

Pisces: If you want change, you need to get to the heart of the problem. Find it and rip it out of the problem’s chest. Bite into its still beating heart as you usher in the change. Find the heart of the problem.

#horoscope #horoopes #stars #omens

[omens-the-stars-send]

6/13/2019

Aries: Love is in the air. Plant love is in the air. What I am trying to say, plants are putting their love, pollen, into the air. It’s a bad time to have allergies.

Taurus: Release the hounds of war. Take them for a walk. Dogs need plenty of exercise.

Gemini: You should practice holding your breath. Keep at it until you can do it for, let’s say, four minutes and twenty-one seconds. That should do it.

Cancer: Ouch.

Leo: So, my star charts were a bit confusing for you. Normally, it has some basic information, advice, prophecy, message from the stars, etc. etc. But today, it had a super realistic oil painting of you being stabbed by a clown. No clue what that means, so take it as you will.

Virgo: Remember, fish are friends not food. Your friends on the other hand…

Libra: Soon, you will discover the secret to hovering. Sadly, you will not discover the secret of how to stop.

Scorpio: When God closes a door, They open a window. Sadly, the window has a screen in it so you can’t get out that way.

Sagittarius: You should wear more hats. You look good in them, plus you can keep things hidden underneath them.

Capricorn: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. The government slashed the transportation budget again and they’ve had to make do with what they can afford.

Aquarius: You either find Waldo, or he ends up finding you. Believe me, you don’t want that to happen. So keep on looking.

Pisces: Nice clown outfit! You look really scary holding the knife in it. Have you ever thought about modeling for painters?

#horoscope #horoscopes #omens of the stars #omens

[omens-the-stars-send]

6/6/2019

Aries: Life is a highway. There is construction and a accident so it’s down to one lane. Expect delays.

Taurus: It turns out that you can make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. You’ve just been making them wrong.

Gemini: When provoked, the common North American Mallard (the duck) can be quite deadly. Keep that in mind the next time you go to the park.

Cancer: Nothing is written in stone! You can make your own destiny! That being said, the stars did tell me the exact time and place of your death. So, like yikes.

Leo: You should pet more puppies. The stars didn’t say that. I just think more puppies is always a good idea.

Virgo: Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee: with reluctance and only when provoked.

Libra: They’ve found you.

Scorpio: You can not trust Aaron. However, you must trust Erin. Wait. That may be backwards. Idk. Good luck.

Sagittarius: If you give a mouse a cookie, that would be really kind of you. The mouse was hungry and now you’ve made a new friend. Good job.

Capricorn: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beholders have such beautiful eyes. And so many. So many beautiful eyes.

Aquarius: Did you know that when you die you can challenge the devil to a fiddle contest for your soul? I hope you have been practicing.

Pisces: Do you know the difference between crows and ravens? Crows are small and have darker feathers, whereas ravens are actively plotting your demise.

#horoscope #omen #omen of the stars #astrology

[omens-the-stars-send]

5/23/2019

Aries: A well stocked bomb shelter is always a good investment. Especially before next Tuesday.

Taurus: You will forget something. Maybe it is to do something, or the name of a kid in your tenth grade class, or any other number of things. But you will forget it. And you will not notice you have forgotten it. But you won’t know it none the less.

Gemini: You could learn something from a duck. Next time you see one, pay attention.

Cancer: It’s Memorial Day weekend. Be careful about what’s on your grill.

Leo: You’re going to look Death in the eye, and Death will blink. You’ll still die of course. Everyone needs to blink from time to time. It means nothing.

Virgo: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. But it will drink. It’s rather thirsty from being ridden all day. You are also rather thirsty. You should drink some water.

Libra: You have 206 bones in your body. Good job keeping track of all of them.

Scorpio: Your future is moist.

Sagittarius: You can do this! The stars believe in you!

Capricorn: You should wear more sun screen. Like, a lot more. The sun is getting closer. Soon.

Aquarius: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. You should pick up the bush. Then you’ll have the two in the bush in your hand and that’s worth four.

Pisces: Your future is bright. Might want to buy some sunglasses.

[omens-the-stars-send]

5/16/2019

Aries:  Keep your eyes out for a tall, dark and handsome stranger. So tall. So very very tall. Looming over everything. And so dark. The light seems to be sucked into them, not even the sun’s bright rays can illuminate them. Keep your eyes out for their tall dark form.

Taurus: Love will come to you when you least expect it. When the knife first enters the chest cavity, and you take in a sharp breath. The blood staining both of your shirts red. You see the surprise in their eyes as they realize who you are. Love will come to you then. Enjoy!

Gemini: You never were that good red light, green light as a kid. Keep that in mind next time you are driving. The semi will not be as forgiving as your classmates were in silly childhood games.

Cancer: Did you know that squirrels talk about you? They seem to really like you. Maybe give them some nuts next time you see one to show that you return their feelings.

Leo: This week will seem shorter than the last. You will tell yourself that’s just because it was busy. But that is a lie. What happened to Tuesday? You remember doing something Tuesday night. Or did you do that on Monday? You’re sure that this feeling is wrong. Of course you didn’t miss Tuesday this week. Right?

Virgo: A full moon is coming up. But don’t worry. Werewolves are the least of your problems.

Libra: You don’t like this. It’s not your cup of tea. Who’s cup of tea is it? Why is there a cup of tea on your living room sofa? You do not even own any tea. How did it get there?

Scorpio: Mars is in retrograde, and Polaris is interacting with Venus. So, idk. Maybe try turning it off and on again?

Sagittarius: Every journey begins with a single step. Sadly, your journey’s first step is off a high cliff face to the waters below.

Capricorn: The stars didn’t have anything to say about you this time. Try a fortune cookie.

Aquarius: So, I’ve got good new and bad news. The good news is that you’re going to make the front page of the paper.

Pisces: Go to the grocery store. They’re having a sale on humus. Buy one get one half off. You don’t really need that much humus, but it’s still a good deal.