Took some pics on my old DSLR 🎃👻
Finally embracing my thick thighs and lovin myselfff👄
I sit. I stare. I do not crumble. I make sure of this— even under the weight of the clouds. The sun shines in only once place in the afternoon. Warms up the cold part of the deck. The birds come. The flowers point upwards. And I reach and I reach and I reach. The sun stares back at me in the afternoon and without speaking a word she tells me that I will be ok. I reach into the pit of my stomach, hold what he did to me between my hands and point it up to her. I do not want this. I cannot bear this. I want to be enough. I want to sit under the sun and wait for the evening sky to burn orange without tasting his name. She embraces me. She takes the weight off of me. I feel seen. For the first time I feel seen and what he did to me doesn’t seem so big anymore. I sit. I stare. I do not crumble. The sun embraces me and I embrace her back. The evening sky burns orange and I can no longer taste my past.
— Hannah Green, from “Please Hold Me Longer”
more richard siken quotes that make me cry
•i’m sorry about the blood in your mouth. i wish it was mine.
•tell me we’re dead and i’ll love you even more.
•every morning the same big and little words all spelling out desire, all spelling out you will be alone always and then you will die.
•i talk to you as if you’re really there. are you there, sweetheart? do you know me? is this microphone live?
•sorry about the bony elbows, sorry we lived here, sorry about the scene at the bottom of the stairwell and how i ruined everything by saying it out loud.
•here is the part where everyone was happy all the time and we were all forgiven, even though we didn’t deserve it.
•you said love, for you, is larger than the usual romantic love. it’s like a religion. it’s terrifying. no one will ever want to sleep with you.
•the entire history of human desire takes about seventy minutes to tell. unfortunately, we don’t have that kind of time.
•we clutch our bellies and roll on the floor… when i say this, it should mean laughter, not poison.
•the dawn was breaking the bones of your heart like twigs.
•a man takes his sadness and throws it away but then he’s still left with his hands.
•you thought if you handed over your body he’d do something interesting.
•you take the things you love and tear them apart or you pin them down with your body and pretend they’re yours.
•oh, the things we invent when we are scared and want to be rescued.
•i went to the riverbed for you to show up. you didn’t show up. i kept waiting.
•i wanted to fall down right there but i knew you wouldn’t catch me because you’re dead. i swallowed crushed ice pretending it was glass and you’re dead.
•yes, i do believe his mouth is heaven, his kisses falling over me like stars.
•there’s smashed glass glittering everywhere like stars.
•i have to search my body for the scars, thinking did he find that one last tender place to sink his teeth in?
•i will turn myself into a gun, because i’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own.
•a dead man at our feet staring up at us like we’re something interesting.
•desire, like a monster, crawls up out of the lake.
•we are not dirty, he keeps saying. we are not dirty…
•he’s trying to drive you into the ground, to see if anything walks away.
•there’s a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly.
•we have not been given all the words necessary. we have not been given anything at all.
•do we mean something when we talk? is it enough that we are shuddering from the sound?
•i will come back from the dead for you.
•i sleep. i dream. i make up things that i would never say. i say them very quietly.
•we have not touched the stars, nor are we forgiven.
•i would like to meet you all in Heaven. but there’s a litany of dreams that happens somewhere in the middle.
•we have been very brave, we have wanted to know the worst, wanted the curtain to be lifted from our eyes.
•we are all just trying to be holy.
Mental illness will try everything to convince you that everyone would be better off without you, and you are actually doing them a favor if you leave their life. This is a trap! Its only telling you this to make you more miserable, alone, and helpless, and you will NOT make anyone happier by disappearing.
I know you’re going to tell me that you are an exception, that you really are horrible and make everyone else miserable. But mental illness makes it impossible to accurately assess the impact you have on other peoples lives, and whether or not they want you around. Therefore, unless the other person explicitly tells you to, assume that you leaving will only hurt the people who care about you.
- money? yeah, you’re gonna spend it all on useless things like excessive amounts of food and clothes in hope of making yourself feel better. then you’ll regret it five minutes later
- you hate yet love everyone and everything. hate. love. hate. love. it’s a never ending, exhausting cycle of intense emotions. there’s no in between
- someone doesn’t respond to your message in ten minutes? it’s time to make dramatic assumptions. do they suddenly hate you? are they dead?
- you’re slightly inconvenienced? it’s time to commit suicide
- all your relationships fail and you just can’t seem to figure out why
- you feel like everyone is the same. you see the same pattern over and over again in your relationships and your friends
- you feel happy for once? well guess what, in about seven minutes you’ll feel like throwing yourself into traffic because Johnny didn’t want to share his pencil with you
- nothing is worse than the overbearing feeling of emptiness that follows you daily and haunts you like a ghost
- you’re constantly angry. just the idea of someone breathing in your vicinity is infuriating
- baths? did you mean: self-harm hours?
- everyone is against you including yourself
- who is that in the mirror? is that me? Why do I look like that? I can’t recognize myself
- i’m sorry, what did you say? repeat yourself again. and again. sorry, i didn’t hear you. again. repeat yourself for the fifth time, i wasn’t paying attention i guess
- you’re useless unless you’re perfect
- therapy? no
- oh, is that a character I relate to? let me obsess over them for the next nine months
- you’re the most evil and horrible person you know, yet simultaneously the most pure and naïve person you know
- you feel like the devil when you say no to someone
- how about I split on my best friend for the eighth time today for absolutely no reason!
- am I abusive? am I like my abusers?
- they said something that seemed weird to me… are they going to leave me? Is this the end? Is this all there is? Should I leave them? Maybe I’ll just disappear
- you hardly remember anything from before the age of 10
- nothing is real. we’re all going to die. nothing matters.
- maybe if I get high I won’t overthink everything!