palomavervain

[palomavervain]

i don't know anymore, everything get worse day by day. I wanna back when I'm only eat twice a day (breakfast and dinner which of course is with high restriction).

Idk, my dad had cancer, and he must restrict what he eat. He only eat grains and vegetables nowadays, I hope he will get better.

while I'm here slowly dying by depression. I afraid if the way I choose right now is wrong, I'm afraid if I eat something unhealthy and when I grow up I'll ended up sick or smt, I'm afraid to eat, I don't wanna eat, I hate myself because I just had breakfast and I feel gross. I feel like I shouldnt.

I don't know, I can't prioritize myself nowadays, I keep busy helping my mom to take care of dad and because of that I don't want to eat anymore.

I lose my appetite after blended some vegetables to my dad which is really gross not gonna lie.

I want to eat, but I don't want. ARGH! :/

[palomavervain]

yesterday wasn't good, my ED once again wins. I didn't had dinner yet I wasn't hungry.

I felt terrible because my family was worried, I was upset, sad, I don't know., too many feelings. Honestly idk but I was glad I didn't had dinner, I felt "safe", but I also hate myself bc makes them worry.

It's hard, I might just give up but I don't want to. I want to survive but it doesn't feel right.

idk, for me there's no one right choice🤷‍♀️

#ana thoughts #ana things #eating disoder thoughts #dont judge pls #ed thinking #tw ed things #just ed things

[palomavervain]

yay I did it!

I ate A.L.L. my dinner

today went good so far, what I ate today:

regular breakfast✨→vegetables, rice, tofu, chicken🤷‍♀️ (feel guilty yet happy)

a bit chocolate bar small😩

restrict my food for lunch😌😩 but still its not bad I guess

some fruits ;-;

a piece of almond cake

regular dinner →tofu, vegetables, an egg (I even add extra tofu to my dinner ha-ha-ha)

Still avoiding rice to my dinner, rice is my biggest fear food I think. I used to think that rice is bad, it have no nutritions and makes me fatter which is actually wrong. I'll try harder tomorrow!

✨proud of myself because I did those all alone, no one in my real life knows, no one notices, no one comments😌🤷‍♀️✨

#ana thoughts #dont judge pls #eating disoder thoughts #ed thinking #tw ed things #ana recovery #ed recovery #eating disoder recovery #i feel awful #i dont like this #but i must #so i did #i cant stop thinking about it #tw ed stuff #not pro just tag #pro recovery

[palomavervain]

feeling bad 🤷‍♀️

I had a quite huge snack time in the afternoon and I skipped my lunch. At evening, I ate quite much fruits and a piece of almond cake then I feels so full, uncomfortable, dislike it, I feel like I shouldn't eat that much.

:( is this still counts of recovery? :( I know I shouldn't skip meals but I did it, and probably I'll skip my dinner too because Im so full and wanna sleep😩

I ... dont know anymore, I must try harder tomorrow. Yeah, I can. I can.

#ed recovery #ana recovery #eating disoder recovery #disappointed #i feel bad #idk #dont judge pls #eating disoder thoughts #ana thoughts #ed thinking #tw ed things #:))) this is fine

[palomavervain]

so proud of myself.

I eat more than yesterday...

did I restrict? umm.. yes

did I feel guilty, disgusted, disappointed of myself? yes

did I regret it? tbh yes

did I would continue to eat? definitely yes

because ..., I WANT TO BE HAPPIER, I WON'T LET MY ED WINS.

I know today is still far from the best, I mean... I haven't enjoyed yet when I eat something, I still restrict, I still over-bodychecking. But I'm proud of myself because I can fight it even tho I'm alone, even tho I didn't tell anyone.

I hope I can.

One thing I also proud: I can control myself so I don't envy anymore with anyone who is skinny😌 tryna love my body, my face, my mind, my hand, my leg, my wrist, myself✨

[palomavervain]

DANGEROUS SYMPTOMS

CAUSED BY EATING DISORDERS

Liver – white nail beds – nausea – itchy skin – swollen abdomen – yellowing skin/eyes – fatigue – confusion – pale / clay-like / bloody / tar-like stool – vomiting – pain in the upper, righthand abdomen – joint pain – spider angiomas (coloured skin spots that resemble spiders, due to clotting issues) – dark urine – swollen legs / ankles – bruising easily

Heart 

– tachycardia (fast resting heart rate, over 100 beats per minute) – bradycardia (slow resting heart rate, under 60 beats per minute) * note that a very high fitness level can cause a lower heart rate – irregular heart rate – if your heart rate is under 40, you could be in immediate danger, and remember that your heart rate will drop even further in sleep – shortness of breath / shallow breathing – chest pains – fatigue – dizziness – swelling in ankles / feet / legs – swollen abdomen – choking sensation – coughing up pink liquid / goop – unable to concentrate – sudden weight gain – fainting – palpitations – feeling your own heart – hearing your own heart – chest / arm / sternum pain – anxiety – sweating – vomiting – lack of energy – coughing up white

Kidneys

– vomiting / general nausea

– changed sleeping patterns / problems sleeping

– fatigue

– swelling of ankles / legs / feet / just general swelling

– hypertension (high blood pressure)

– shortness of breath

– itchiness

– chest pain

– metallic taste in mouth

– muscle cramps

– hyperkalemia (high levels of potassium)

– stiff joints

– less urinating than usual

– bloody / dark / foam-like urine

– confusion / mental fuzziness

– rashes

– leg pains

Osteoporosis (severe bone weakness)

– back pain

– bad posture

– weak bones (weak grip / bones fracture easily)

– receding gums and bone loss in jaw

– general pains in muscles or even bone

– dropping fitness levels

Cathartic colon (from laxative use)

– bloating

– abdominal pain

– chronic constipation

– intense feelings of fullness

– incomplete bowl movement / ‘fecal evacuation’

Hypokalemia (low potassium levels)

– weakness in limbs, especially the sort that causes numbness or cramping

– nausea

– vomiting

– bloating

– abdominal pain

– low blood pressure

– fainting

– physical numbness

– emotional changes

– palpitations

– excessive urination

– constant thirst

Other common side-effects of EDs

– muscle spasms, weakness or twitching (electrolyte imbalance– very common in bulimia, and can be very dangerous)

– anemia

– irregular menstrual cycles / infertility in women

– low blood sugar

– depression and other mood disorders may develop / worsen

– insomnia

– eye damage and diminishing vision

STAY SAFE. A COUPLE OF SYMPTOMS MAY NOT BE LIFE-THREATENING, BUT HAVING MULTIPLE FROM THE SAME ORGAN CAN BE. 

[palomavervain]

Reminders:

It’s ok to finish your food

It’s ok to eat more than someone else

It’s ok to finish eating before someone else

It’s ok to choose the unhealthier option

It’s ok to have dessert or a drink even if someone else isn’t

It’s ok to want the food even if someone else doesn’t

It’s ok to be hungry

Your hunger, what and how much you eat is irrespective to anyone elses intake.

Do you. You’re good. And food is good.

#weightloss #ana recovery #ana thoughts #ed recovery #tw ed things #staystrong #ana things #ed thinking #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder thoughts

[palomavervain]

why my mind keep changing? 😌 what do I do? ;-;

[palomavervain]

i

can't

i really don't wanna eat

I just gaining weight, more than yesterday, even though I only eat a bit🥺

ahh, it's hard. I want to recovery but in the other hand I also want to stay in this weight🥺 it's difficult, uhh!

#weightloss #ed thinking #tw ed things #ana things #ana thoughts #not pro just tag #dont judge pls #dont report just ignore #what do i do #idk #thinspo #thin dreams

[palomavervain]

okay I decided to 'recovery' step by step.

I might start tomorrow or later, i don't know.

wish me luck

also, I've reach my goal weight. I hope while recovering, I won't gain weight too much :)

I hope i can eat normally but still stay skinny hehe🙃 let's see can I

let's make my new year as my new self and my new mind and my new vibes UwU

ps: actually I've been so many times decided to recovery and eat a bit more day by day. But sometimes I feel guilty and back to 'punish myself' then finally let my ED takes my mind again. But I won't let it happen again, I'LL TRY.

TUMBLR PLEASE BE NICE PLEASE DON'T SHOW ME NEITHER ANY GORGEOUS ✨THINSPO✨ NOR ANA MOTIVATION. I WANT TO MOVE ON ;w;

#ed recovery #ana thoughts #ana recovery #ed #eating disoder recovery #wish me luck #i hope this is okay! #pro recovery #not pro just tag #dont report just ignore #dont report just block #dont judge pls

[palomavervain]

finally I ate

I hate it

I hate this feelings

At least it's fruit and it's healthy (I don't really mind if I eat something at least it's healthy, I'm tryna to avoid junk foods and sugar😌)

but today I've gain 400s cal and I don't like it !TvT

#ana thoughts #tw ed things #eating disoder thoughts #not pro just tag #dont judge pls #idk #i hate this #i hate me for this #i feel awful #disgusted #it gives me anxiety

[palomavervain]

my mom ask me to eat food but I'm here laying on my bed and don't wanna. But I don't wanna make her worried TwT

#weightloss #ana thoughts #kinda upset #what do i do #tw ed things #not pro just tag #meh #i hate this #argh #idk

[palomavervain]

food today

morning:

walk 2 km → burns 107 cal

breakfast:

salad 1 cup (124 cal)

cheese 75g (302 cal)

snacks (or lunch, whatever):

1 soursop (120 kal)

total: 439 kal

I'm so disappointed, why though I can't hold myself and put a whole cheese on my salad ;-;

I won't dinner today😌 and I will do exercise😌

a

#ed tingz #tw ed things #not pro just tag #ana thoughts #meh #i hate this #dont judge pls

[palomavervain]

Reblog if:

- You support recovery.

- You support those in recovery.

- You support seeking help.

- You want  people to seek help.

- You think everyone is beautiful, regardless of their weight.

- Even if you yourself, aren’t seeking help or are in recovery, want others too.

[palomavervain]

i've been trying to keep positive all the time, yet nothing huge difference happens. I'm not that kind of person you thought. But here I am still trying to get better ...

fun fact about me: during quarantine I've been scared of gain weight and it become worse when online school started. I always feel like I shouldn't eat, yeah I'm starving but I feel satisfied when I only eat a bit. Is it called anorexia? Lol I don't really care anyway. I've lost around 5 kg (11 lbs) since quarantine and now I eat more than before but still not gain weight I'm very glad haha. Anyway I know it's bad but I don't hate it, the feeling when your stomach is empty is just amazing.

#nothing important #random facts #eating disoder thoughts #im happy #idc idc

[palomavervain]

im bored, how to get more mutuals?;-;

#friends #i need friends #wanna be friends? #bored #lets be besties #teen #movies #design #music #japan #positivity #lmaooo

[palomavervain]

is it just me who always tryna to stay positive thinking, and read every positive quotes that always use kind of emojis like 🌻☀✨💛💞 every single day to get better mind but feel like more anxious? Like, oh man I know I should do this and that but thats all just gives me more anxiety cuz I just can'tttt☔ bleh-_-