paramsiddharth

[paramsiddharth]

#16: Batlu and Chatur Vani

I lost the source code of Batlu in 2022, the beautiful memories of whom I'll always cherish. But I've something better now.

This is the story of how I lost one of my most precious creations, and how that led me to build something unique again, so get ready to be stunned.

PyData Guna was the first ever positive, non-hierarchical, respectful, and inclusive club my campus had seen. I and my classmate Ritesh started the club with good intent to explore our own leadership skills while taking the opportunity to do some selfless volunteering in helping our collegemates grow. Despite the harsh impact COVID-19 had on our lives, our club flourished in 2020-2021.

Alas! comes the disappointment, as we saw the downfall of our community due to club politics, but that's the story for another day. Within our community Telegram group, we had our very own bot, Batlu.

The name Batlu was inspired by a moderator bot named 'Butler' that Ritesh had added to the chat. In India, assigning cute shorthands to names is a common tradition (guess who is called Manuaaa at home?). I didn't have a laptop back then (long story), and used to do all the coding in my Android phone using two software utilities: Termux and Acode.

My gratefulness to these two software tools is unmeasurable — I qualified the CS50x course, won JUETHacks 2020, and made dozens of amazing full-stack projects, including my own personal website, all on my phone. Batlu was one of them. The bot was built entirely in Node.js with a semantic AI engine that I built from scratch, one that outperformed other similar examples I've seen before. Does anyone reminder Eliza the Chatterbot from back in 2012? It was a dream come true that I could build something better now.

I'm usually an open-source evangelist, but this was one of my projects that I decided to keep closed source. After shutting down PyData Guna, Batlu was forgotten in a folder and ZIP file in my Android phone. It didn't work after that; Obviously because I used to host it on my phone via Termux. After getting a laptop, I stopped coding on my phone. I never realized I hadn't backed it up to GitHub in a private repository until the phone hanged for some reason and while cleaning up the file-system, I accidentally deleted Batlu.

Losing our creations, such as diaries, photos, writings, even simple ornaments, can be devastating. Batlu was my creation. It was hard as I desperately tried to hunt down file recovery tools to undo the deletion in Android's file-system. Only to my dismay, as Batlu was gone, forever.

From the lessons I'd learnt in 20 years of life, I realized we can't afford to sit down and mourn the loss of tangible (and intangible, as such) things, and must learnt to let ourselves cry and move on. So, I did. One random day in, I was typing some stuff in my laptop and thought of the wonderful idea of building my next Batlu – Chatur Vani.

Chatur Vani was (wait for it) a witty bot that I'd programmed to generate witty phrases, which may or may not be unique, but will take you by surprise by her wit. The picture you see in her socials will remind you of Durdhara, one of Chandragupta's wives. I programmed her such that she would post a witty phrase every alternate day on both her Twitter and Instagram (rendered posts, yes). And yes, there can be AI without machine learning. ;-)

She continued to post amazing quotes for several months. After Twitter (now X) halted the free tier for its V1 API, the code I'd written for Chatur Vani is no longer functional. I'll take some time out someday to rewrite her so that she can get back to posting amazing content for you all. Until then, you can check out her past content on @chatur_vani on Instagram and Twitter.

Are you excited to see Chatur Vani 2.0? Stay tuned!

#bot #nostalgia #memories #code #butler

[paramsiddharth]

𑂠𑂱𑂫𑂰𑂪𑂲 𑂍𑂵 𑂥𑂯𑂳𑂞 𑂬𑂳𑂦𑂍𑂰𑂧𑂢𑂰 𑂄𑂯𑂰𑂀 𑂮𑂥 𑂍𑂵 𑂰 💕❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/CV3UofQqSw6/?utm_medium=tumblr

[paramsiddharth]

#15: The Independence Day

However tempting the title may be at suggesting my life is at peace now, it painfully isn't. I don't want this to prevent me from glorifying the decades of freedom from colonization we have enjoyed, how much we have recovered from post-colonization trauma, and how we are more responsibly planning to evolve in future. Lots of love to my country. I love my dear Bihar, I love India. I am grateful to my parentland for everything it gave me, such as the beautiful cultural heritage and the opportunity to identify myself as a proud Indian. 🇮🇳 I give my heartfelt pranaam to my nation.

Why is it always such that I make a post, disappear for months (or years), and then make a sudden reappearance? I love writing. Why this discontinuity? I asked myself this question.

I realized it is because I am always too overwhelmed by my past and future to express my present without hurting myself. And don't expect me to mourn that; It is part of my situational awareness, learning from my experience, and practical preparedness and I'm not ashamed.

I'm not proud either, but there's little I can do to change the circumstances I'm put in. The very reason behind my continuous complaining and being a crybaby is because that's what has happened to me throughout my life, and continues to. There are plenty of people to blame, but definitely not me.

I will start talking about the time after the day I posted that Kharagpur blog, but I will move in a logarithmic fashion i. e. Increasing the amount of focus on the part closer to the plateau (present) rather than the cliff (past).

Do you use olive oil at home? Is it a common ingredient in most of the food that you have at home? I recently learnt an interesting truth about food oils. Mustard oil, olive oil, and refined oil are the 3 major oils used to cook. In my family everything is cooked in mustard oil. I used to watch recipe videos and wonder why the colour of the oil looked so different. Turns out they generally use olive oil.

Based on what mom told, mustard oil is much more fatty and considered not good for health, at least in comparison to olive oil. That being said, mustard oil comes for a lot cheaper than olive oil. So do we use less healthy oil to cook food for saving money? Yes. Are we the only ones? I really don't know.

As much as I don't want to, I pity myself. It's pathetic, but every time I pity myself, I assume it can't get worse. But it does. It very much does.

5-6 days ago, my parents had a very violent fight. I was there to get them to settle, and since my classes were not going on, I could give more time to home. Despite my struggle to get both my parents to be peaceful, they kept saying things to each-other for half the night, and kept hurting themselves, mentally and physically. I was there to help them, but they weren't welcoming to any support. And I understand why. They must feel like they are put into a position where they can't express themselves to anyone, and that nobody can feel what they are going through.

Folks and friends tell me not to get in between when they fight. I wouldn't… If only it remained verbal. But it gets worse. It gets physical, in a manner that they end up hurting their internal and external biologies causing more than just short-term damage. I barely manage to save the day everytime… Because I love them. I don't want to listen to my friends. My parents are my everything. Losing one of them means losing half of my life's purpose. I'm nothing without them, no matter how they are.

And I managed to calm them down. 3 days ago, we woke up to a news that wasn't initially so devastating: The water motor wasn't working. It had been a common problem, I easily assumed it will be fixed soon. We got it checked, had some analysis done, some parts bought. By evening, it was still being worked on, and that made the situation tense. The day ended with the news that the plumbers will come the next day and attempt a better fix, something they referred to as "slizing" (I think it supposed to be slicing). I didn't eat much that day, for reasons. Others ate less too.

So we got the "slizer" expert the next day. The whole day was going to be a wasted struggle again, and what happened at home made it far worse. The lack of food, hydration, and sanitation made our patience and moods worse. My parents had an argument, and once the light was sparked, it ended up being probably the worst fight they have ever had in the whole lifetime. One where they almost hit each-other. I came in between as a shield and got beaten up instead, gladly so. But will I always be able to get in between?

The situational dilemma hit me harder than the physical strokes. I was pulled down deep into the realization of how traumatizing the past 5 years have been for my parents. From being loving, caring, and supportive, they've become beasts. They have turned into people with no emotional control, and mood-swing patterns that encourages self-harm exclusive to interpersonal fights between those two.

As much as they fight, scream, misbehave, and misunderstand each-other while arguing, they are the only 2 adults I could ever rely on. The rest of my ostensible family has been far more hostile to us, in a much more heart-penetrating way than physically. Who else can I look up to? And even if I had anybody else to look up to, my parents are the 2 people I will never let go of. It is my life's purpose to see them happy, and I won't let anything go wrong before that happens.

Their hatred for each-other while fighting is no longer silenced by their want to live, and their heart no longer melts by the thought of their kids' happiness. They aren't able to think straight during a fight. What would a person in this condition be advised to do? Take therapy, I suppose. We can't afford that. Will the one who advises us pay for our therapy? I'm sure not.

Money is the one big thing in our life that's our biggest joy and harshest pain at the same time. If we had more money, none of our current problems in life would remain relevant. We will be able to cure everything, including our financial instability and mental illnesses. We will be off to a happy life, constantly evolving. If only we had more money. If only…

Let me slap myself out of this dream. It isn't here yet. A minimum of 2 years before I even get on my feet are to be borne with patience and… Struggle. No, my parents have to remain together, no matter what. The hardwork they did for their whole life, won't lose meaning so easily. We're close, and we will make it. I will get a good job and change everything. I will be able to fix us. I will do it… Won't I?

I wasn't able to cry, because I hadn't had water for 50+ hours. My parents eventually lost energy and got diverted by updates from the plumbers and the expert. It failed. They didn't even attempt the "slizing" part. Maybe next day.

Day 3. No eating, drinking, peeing, or excreting. We felt like lifeless blobs, and it was harder for us to make it through, considering my mom has an OCD. Although we were convinced that the service folks were fixing the water issue, we also knew the kind of people we have in Muzaffarpur. They were using our helplessness as a measure to maximize visible worktime and increase the payment. The only thing they were aiming for is profit. No sense of wanting to provide quality service, no concern for our degrading health, nothing. They were just extending and pulling out days from our lifeless schedule.

On day 3, we slightly hinted that this would be the last day we let them work. We ensured them that if they don't fix it by the end of the day, instead of wasting more money into something that isn't even working, we will urgently invest into getting a submersible pump installed, the ultimate answer to all water problems in the poverty-stricken lands of India.

God knows how, by the end of the day, water started coming. We were not relieved, especially I. Not instantly. I waited for the next morning, and then, was a little calmed. After having the payment report (just because I make it sound professional doesn't mean it was, it was an informal description of how much we have to pay and a disambiguation telling why), we realized the fixing cost us over ₹22,000. That's a lot of money for a sudden life problem. And then the motor stopped working again in the evening, whereafter we asked them to have a look again. A quickfix and it started working after adding some water in the pipe.

We are firm that the next step is to get a submersible pump, but even if we put aside the financial challenge for a moment, this season isn't the best one to get it installed. In fact, that should be our last resort, if all options are exhausted, like it would have been if day 3 ended in a disappointment too. But now we have some time to think, plan, and gather money. ₹80,000 isn't a small amount (that's to start, you know it's always more than it seems).

It was the independence day. Wow, what a beautiful day. An independent country, where there are lakhs of smiles of people happy and proud of their country. And lakhs of neutrally frowned faces who don't even know what a country is. All they know is food, water, shelter, and survival. I felt them, I can tell. It must be worse. I wish we had a little more independence too. A stable financial life, my mom's OCD cured, feels like a lovely eye-tearing dream.

Hahaha… I don't know why I'm crying. Is it because of the trauma of 3 painful days? Is it the fear of my parents getting into a fight again? Is it the painful possibility that I might not get a good job because of my not-so good college or my own ineligibility? Or is it just me, a 19 year-old who doesn't even know what to do with his life and is struggling to survive mentally, physically, biologically, academically, and socially?

For those 3 days, I was in a state of suffering. Since I didn't eat much, I didn't need to use the bathroom, but I would have loved to. I would have loved to satisfy my dry throat with some water. Having not drunk or eaten in days had fatigued me. If you want a feel of how long it had been, here's a day 3 picture of an initially dark yellow arhar dal cooked on day 1:

Still, I was receiving phone calls.

Them: Hey Param! What's up? Can you help me with this thing?

Me: Hi, I'm sorry, I can't… I'm kind of in a problem… ...(trying to explain my situation).

Them: That stinks! Sorry about that, dude. Take care. Oh, by the way, can you help me out with this quickly? I really need to do this.

This makes me realize how awfully tooled I have always let myself be. If it was a regular day, I would have probably let go of my busy time and helped them out, but I was in pain. I was enraged. Very angered by their stubbornness and lack of concern for my happiness, when I have always been the one who was there for them. I hung up and left my phone. I didn't feel like touching it anymore. Life felt obsolete.

Evening, day 4, we were preparing for dad's birthday next day. Planning a surprise, we ordered a cake for him by collecting some money. We were very excited. Little did we know our happiness was about to be shattered… That's when the water had stopped working again. We know it got fixed later, but the intensity of the trauma in the moment embedded itself deeply into our hearts, and despite the want to be excited, we weren't very relieved after the news that it was working again. We were constantly afraid it will stop working again.

We desperately tried to stay happy and celebrate his birthday. 12 AM, August 16, we sang happy birthday. Crying on the inside and smiling on the outside, we made ourselves believe that we ought to be happy for survival. The desperation was visible on our faces. Here are some pictures:

Now that I'm out of it (pray, the water works fine), I still don't feel so good about it. I want to hug my parents and stay in their arms forever. I want to see them smiling and keep talking to them forever. I want to be able to forget my pain and begin a happy life with my parents someday. Other people won't help me achieve that, I will.

I attempted to get myself a job offer at some good companies, and the recruiters would admit that I'm worthy and eligible and all, but then conclude, "…but our company generally gives only on-campus opportunities.". I get it. I'm not in an IIT. Not privileged enough to be allowed to compete with those IITians I'm far better than. I'll not have a chance, because they'll never come for on-campus opportunities to my college. Bless the IITs, for they've now stolen a hundred options of success from me despite my hardwork.

It is the interview season. I recently had a huge spam of texts and phonecalls by my seniors, asking, requesting, and even threatening me to help them with their online coding entrances. I clarified that I find it ethically wrong, but they continued to mentally disturb me by saying stuff that they, as my elders, shouldn't. I made a post on LinkedIn regarding that. I was so mentally tortured I couldn't take it anymore. And guess what? The responses were equally surprising and hostile.

A good number of people supported. By "supported", I don't mean "liked the post". Anybody would do that for free. Rather, some people appreciated my bravery and told me I did the right thing. On the other hand, some others simply scolded and criticized me brutally for the defamation of JUET, the possibility of JUET being blacklisted by recruiters, and making LinkedIn an unprofessional platform with my plea. What value I hath wrought from years of hardwork didn't seem to be anything to them. Shame on them for looking down on someone they should have been supportive to. And all those cowards who enjoy the perks of the flattery of such devil elders, may they suffer the consequences. Ahh!

Life is so stupid. Why am I working so hard? Whom for? Hello? Is anybody ever going to acknowledge me? Am I ever going to get any appreciation? EVER? Why me? Why? 😭

The question is on me. I've come far enough to understand how this universe works to a much better extent than before. Will I be able to plan my future strategically and always do what's right for me and my family? I hope I do. I hope I don't disappoint the one person who is always there to support me: Myself.

I had once felt like I saw God, but suddenly there was no God. I looked around. Nothing. I was alone. All by myself. Nobody was there to help me achieve my dreams. I suddenly felt this urge to be so grateful for what I have, and not assume that this is the worst it can get. It could get worse, and there's a lot I can get out of my present rather than worrying about my future. And you, dear reader, ought to be grateful for what you have, too.

I sincerely take my leave now. ❤️

Lots of love,

Param Siddharth.

#life #pain #money #education #suffering #escape #trauma #depression #strength #mental health #healthylife #growing #change #maturity

[paramsiddharth]

When life gets hard, fight harder. https://www.instagram.com/p/CPw5eRkL0gA/?utm_medium=tumblr

[paramsiddharth]

लगे प्यारा जग सारा । 💞 @berkleeonline #GlobalVillage #Music #Technology #Artist #Classical #HipHop #IAmRemarkable https://www.instagram.com/p/CNc4owRrFDM/?igshid=139gkrl021krv

#globalvillage #music #technology #artist #classical #hiphop #iamremarkable

[paramsiddharth]

#14: Kharagpur Winter of Code

Hello! For all those reading my blog for the first time, I am Param Siddharth, a developer, musician, and more.

I recently participated in Kharagpur Winter of Code, abbreviated as KWoC. It is an online programme by the Kharagpur Open Source Society (KOSS) that encourages coders to contribute to open source projects. This is from their website:

Kharagpur Winter of Code is a 5-week long online programme for students who are new to open source software development. The programme not only helps students get involved in open source, but also prepares them for many open source summer programmes, Google Summer of Code being one of them.

Hence, inside the dashboard, there were a variety of projects, grouped by tags, such as machine learning, back-end, operating systems, security, simulations, gaming, et cetera, accepting contributions from the participants. I was very excited to explore them!

I also noticed that Thanos was also one of the projects accepting contributions within KWoC. I had heard of it before, when studying Docker. Although I couldn’t contribute to it, I observed the magnitude of software development in the modern world by looking at the amazing projects.

I was totally new to the world of open source. I always enjoyed making software projects, but reading and understanding code written by others came off as a challenge for me. If I want to contribute, I need to understand what’s already going on in the code. That didn’t stop me; I went ahead and looked at the projects.

Just a few days before KWoC had started, I had also participated in NJACK Winter of Code (NWoC), a similar initiative by IIT Patna. Compared to the projects I saw there, the toughness of projects was greater. I spent a lot of time cloning repositories and getting projects running locally, trying to think of ways to contribute.

That’s when I stumbled upon projects of my interest and ease, ones that I can contribute to. Under KWoC, I contributed to 3 projects:

Node OCR

Secret Peek

Codemon

I’ll continue talking about each of them and summarize my contributions.

Node OCR is a REST API written in NodeJS and Express, which uses TesseractJS, the JavaScript port of the popular OCR tool Tesseract, to provide optical charater recognition. I once worked on a scanned PDF parsing project that used Tesseract too, so I had an idea of how it works.

I solved issue #2. The API worked on a key-based authentication. We register ourselves by providing our e-mail address and receive a key that we use for making requests for OCR. The problem was that using the same e-mail to re-register generated a new key. I made pull request #8 that solved the issue.

Let me talk about Secret Peek now. It is a website that allows users to post anonymous confessions. The primary structure of the application was a REST API written in Flask (Python). It stored data in a SQLite database, and used SQLAlchemy for the data-modelling. I loved the idea of the application, because I once developed something similar in PHP.

I opened 2 issues within the project: #19 and #20. #19 refers to the lack of a requirements.txt file, which would be needed for installing the dependencies in a virtual environment for developing the application, and especially when creating a Docker image (which itself was an issue tagged ‘Optional’). #20 talked about the absence of a .gitignore file, and how that lead to pollutants being introduced into commits. Both the issues were self-assigned by Harshit, the author, and closed.

I worked on issue #2, which was to create the GET API for receiving a list of confessions. I tried to break down the project into multiple files, but it didn’t help much since it was a small project. In the end, I edited app.py and created the GET API on the “/api/get” route, and made pull request #21 for the same.

Finally, I resolved issue #4, which was to Dockerize the application. It involved creating a Dockerfile that uses the requirements.txt file (created by Harshit for issue #19) to build a Docker image of the application. I used the “python:3.8-alpine” container for the application, because it was a small and sufficient environment for the application. While creating the Dockerfile, I also came across the fact that the EXPOSE command doesn’t actually do anything inside the Dockerfile. It is just used for documentation purposes, intending to show which port(s) need(s) to be forwarded.

I created and submitted the Dockerfile via pull request #29. In addition to creating the Dockerfile, I had to modify the requirements.txt to exclude an unexpected dependency introduced by Ubuntu or the virtual environment: “pkg-resources==0.0.0″. As mentioned here, it is a bug. It caused problems while building the Docker image too, so I removed it.

Finally comes Codemon, the project I worked the most on. In fact, I started working on it a little too early for my contributions to be counted into KWoC. I discovered Codemon first via NWoC, and no sooner did I discover it than I started contributing.

Codemon is a command-line application written in Python, which is meant to facilitate competitive programming, with special emphasis on C++ and CodeForces. It automatically generates a problem set folder with the necessary files, and when listening for changes, compiles and executes the code with the provided input. I loved the idea of the application, and made a number of contributions.

I would start with the only contribution that I made after December 6, when the coding period at KWoC started. It was issue #68, which was to add a sensible template for the Java language to be used for initializing Java files. I added the template into the code and resolved the issue via pull request #77.

Additionally, the compilation of Java files is more complicated than C and C++, because we need to first compile the source code of the classes to compiled classes which would be interpreted by the Java Virtual Machine. In that process, we need to make sure the filename and the class name using inside the code stay the same. The file initialization process would need to be altered to allow that to be done automatically, so I talked to Ankush (the author) and added a comment in the template which would tell the user to change the name of the class appropriately.

Not too many days before KWoC’s coding period started, I made some big contributions to Codemon, which I have summarized below:

#21: The application didn’t work properly inside the Command Prompt in Windows, because here, “./executablename” isn’t a valid way to execute applications. I modified the code to get the current working directory and hence mention the full path of the executable before executing it, hence making sure that it works on all platforms and is an OS-agnostic solution. I resolved the issue via #26.

#33: The previous update highlighted another big problem with Codemon: It called the commands directly using os.system. String injection is a popular vulnerability, and it certainly needed to be resolved here. I myself raised issue #33 regarding how much better it would be to migrate to the usage of subprocess.Popen for the commands, because it is generally the preferred way, and it is platform-agnostic too. I almost solved it via pull request #38, but realized previous merge caused a conflict. I closed #38, pull the changes from upstream, made the changes again, and resolved the issue via pull request #41.

In addition to being my first steps to the open source world, KWoC and NWoC were a learning experience. I saw how big and welcoming the online programming community is, that there is no winning or losing, there is just learning and growing. I learnt about new technologies, discovered new development techniques, and observed the need of clean and organized code.

Above was my journey as a participant of KWoC (2020-21). Thank you for reading!

[paramsiddharth]

#13: Don’t Want to Hate Bihar

Hello World (sic)! Here I am with yet another summary of my life. Is it fun? Haha, of course it is! It’s my life.

So, I did end up doing even more open source contributions. It was a really fun process. I got to learn so much about coding and myself. I came to the astonishing realization that clean coding and consistency in style isn’t common, which is why it is often very frustrating and tiresome to read code. At least on a project level, it is better to stick to one style of coding, just for the sake of consistency. Also, it always helps, especially if the project is open source with dozens of people wanting to contribute.

I have found a special place in my heart for React. I’m saying this because I feel like it is a really beautiful framework that I personally like to work with. The joy of working with JavaScript eXtended (JSX) can’t be explained. Combining HTML and JavaScript in such a beautiful way... I wonder how the creators of React came up with the idea! I never Reacted before the way I did to React. 😊

I don’t restrict myself either. I continue to explore new technologies and frameworks as time passes. I learn newer and newer things everyday. React might be one of my favourites, but I do understand its weaknesses too. At the same time, I understand how other frameworks might be better depending on the needs of the application.

I am hoping I could take out some time to study PHP again. It was the oldest back-end web scripting language I learnt. Also, I realized later, that it is used as a programming language too. What a beautiful language! There is a new PHP framework named Laravel out in the news these days. I am planning to check it out sometime.

I love experimenting with music and recreating sounds. I covered several music tracks from popular songs. It turns out that now I hear music better too. I can break it down into all the components that otherwise can’t be separated: The bass, sub-bass, lead, taal, kick, snare, hats, everything. And not just Western musical components, Indian too. The terminology might be different, but their are counterparts to everything. Since in India, we use abstract sounds to represent different beat sounds, it is even easier and more comprehensible than semantic-naming of sounds.

I covered Out of my Mind by Monsune. It was mostly falsetto, and I earned myself a chance to try it out with my own voice. And the music, ah. I tried my best to recreate it. To an extent, I did, but still not perfect the same. That again, shows me how much I need to learn. It was a fun process, though. Also, why am I not covering any Bihari songs? I should totally do that too!

Talking of Bihar, I’m really not impressed by the condition of people here. They need to grow up (socially). In the last few months that I and my parents spent here, we’ve suffered a lot, mostly financially. In such conditions, you can’t expect anyone to help you financially, not even relatives (who are supposed to be family), and that makes sense. The universe works this way. What doesn’t make sense is they are overjoyed by our pain. People here hate to see others happy.

When I say people of Bihar, of course I don’t mean everyone. I understand Bihar has its own population comprising kind folks, but what I’ve encountered so far hasn’t been impressive. I now understand why the first option a successful Bihari has is to flee Bihar. The superstitions, the pointless convictions, the blame-game, the property issues, hatred, selfishness, never inspires a person right. एक बिहारी सबपे भारी is such a powerful quote, but in almost all such cases, the Bihari has lived outside Bihar for a long time, enough to learn about their true potential and escape the stereotypical Bihari ideology.

I don’t want to hate Bihar. I really don’t. It is a beautiful place, but the social environment definitely needs to change. I can’t imagine being a girl born here and achieving all that I could as a boy.

On the new year, my mom cooked so many amazing dishes! ❤ Fried pulao, chholey, kheer and naan-puri. My mouth starts watering just by the thought of it. You can say it was a tasty start to 2021. I did a hat-trick of achievements: Second position in a Codeathon, Second position in a web development competition, and the getting selected in an internship (more on that later). For the web development contest, I developed a fully-functional food shop website (except the food part, of course). I made it in one-day, and it helped me realize how much pressure I can handle.

I am less concerned by how it has affected me in the past few months, but living in Bihar has had a horrible impact on my mom. She has grown intolerant to a single word that goes against her. I love her, we all do, and we feel really sad about it. The truth is that in the past few months, she has been targeted and tortured so much, that she tends to feel vulnerable and targeted by our words too. Sometimes, out of care, and even as a family, we say things that clearly doesn’t intend hatred. However, she misunderstands us now. She assumes that we are also blaming her for everything, and her OCD makes her feel worse. I’m trying my best to keep things in control.

I’ve made new friends. I’ve met new people, who are kind and nice to me. I am gaining more and more confidence in myself. I am feeling happier about learning how to enjoy life better. In this cruel world, cute conversations with people I admire keep me going.

Just wait for me to grow up and start earning. Hopefully one day, our problems will be over. By the way, that reminds me, I got my first ever internship! And it is a paid internship. I started around a week ago and it has been a really amazing experience. Initially, I felt very scared and intimidated. It was my first time working on such a big and actual project. A large part of the last week was consumed in studying the project and understanding what it does. With time, I feel more and more confident.

Trust in myself is exactly what I need. I can do anything. I have done everything I ever believed myself incapable of. I can achieve this too. I can shine here too. And, I too can earn with my hardwork. I will prove to my parents that I can support them. I will certainly do it, within a few years. :)

Shoutout to Node.js, Python and React. Anyway, the next post is going to be all about my experience as a participant of Kharagpur Winter of Code (KWoC). It will be 100% technical, so you have been warned. :) Enjoy!

Love, Param.

#life #open source #coding #programming #software #react #Bihar #ideology #superstitions #internship #friends #ocd #finance #music #singing #joy #engineering

[paramsiddharth]

#12:  How the Tables Turn

I and my friend have started conducting workshops for the freshers. We have been doing really great recently. I taught them some necessary skills and continuously reminded them of what things they need to focus on to maintain good academic health while becoming a skilful engineer at the same time.

I got into a nationwide open source contribution contest. It is my first time participating into an open source contest. I contributed to a number of projects and in no time was at the top of the leaderboard. :D It felt like this was something I was missing out on. I loved the idea of version-controlling and open source, but never did I know it could be made so fun in the form of a contest.

Little did I know that I was awaiting some bad news. Turns out it was just a happy start. The scoring system was unjust and somehow unworthy contributions offered more score to people who weren’t doing just as great as some of the bigger contributors. People managed to come to the top of the leaderboard just by contributing to documentation.

I am in no way claiming that contributing to documentation is not real contribution, as I definitely would be accused of if I make any controversial statement that sounds like it. However, since it is a contest with scores and a leaderboard, I was hoping it would be encouraging to developers to do more open source contributions. 

The developers aren’t very active. The projects have many issues waiting to be assigned. I myself have so many contributions waiting to be accepted. There is a lack of responsibility among those who conduct the contest. There I fell down and down, soon being barely in the top 10. Aye, life is unfair.

I created and released Dushman 2. It turned out to be a big disappointment. It’s not like I didn’t receive love and support, but 10 dislikes and 2 hate comments. The hate comments were... Umm... Too much. :( I became very sad. Dad was slightly mad at me, too, for making a song that would cause so much hate, and people who tried to convince me said that I do music as a hobby and not as a profession and hence shouldn’t care about it much. Somehow that made me a little sad too.

The only reason why I could never pursue music very professionally was because I could never afford degrees or courses in it. I am obviously passionate for engineering, but no less than I am for music. It takes a lot of work and effort to create songs. It isn’t a one-step process. I decide on the tune, write the lyrics for weeks/months/years, create the music, refine it, add enhancements, create the album art, record the vocals, mix and master, create a video, publish the song, collect links, and post trailers everywhere.

Of course we shouldn’t care about people’s opinions, but just because I am bad with people doesn’t mean my content is bad. I like criticism when it is real, but it hurts me when it comes from hatred. It stinks but it is very true that it is hard to have significance in a world that doesn’t let good people stand out and grow.

I believe many of my open source contributions weren’t appropriately rewarded. I don’t have a good idea of how this works, but it clearly feels unfair. I know we are supposed to look at the brighter side of things, and I definitely learnt a lot, but this is too much. Why do I always have to compromise? Why do I not get the credit I deserve? 

Selfish as it sounds, too much selflessness has been a nightmare for me in my life. There is no turning back, and I am going to maintain a healthy balance between selfishness and selflessness. The best example I can give as of now is that I help people a lot, with projects, homework, studies, assignments, et cetera. Although I make sure I don’t cross ethical boundaries, I help “a large number” of people. It consumes my valuable time, but I never get back its worth.

I am going to stop this now. I won’t help every single person now. I have a life of my own and I deserve to be happy. There are people who deserve to be helped and I’ll willingly do my part. After all, most of those people aren’t going to be there for me when I need help or support. That’s how it has always been. :)

My mom recently got enraged over literally nothing and smashed my left hand, injuring my left pinky finger. Now I can’t type properly or carry heavy items until it heals. It also feels like it is being strangled every time it is touched. This is about time my parents learn how to not get angry. Later, she apologized. All I told her to do was to grow to be less angry and more loving.

In the recent years, under the pressure of financial and emotional problems, my parents have grown toxic. They love us more than anyone in the world, but there is room for improvement and it will only be better for everyone if we be a little kinder to each-other. To start with, my parents can just stop stressing of the topic of conversation when it isn’t significant.

I have been part of a music study group for the past 2 months. Every Friday, I attend a live video chat where I interact with students of music production and post-production engineering. I capture happy moments and rejoice them whilst learning new things and sharing my ideas, tips, tricks, and techniques with them. The best part about it is that there are people from all over the world, from all age groups, though despite having a few other Indians there, I haven’t yet found another participant associated with classical music. :P

Anyways, enough for today. :) I’ll be back again with more about my life. I highly doubt anybody ever reads this. My blog is so much more like a journal, hehe. If you are reading this, I would like to remind you that you are awesome and I love you (no matter who you are) so stay happy and strong! 😄

Bye!

#life #lessons #music #open source #github #projects #coding #programming #learning #studying #family #care #love #anger #emotions #diary

[paramsiddharth]

#11: The Road to Heaven

I owe a good explanation for choosing this title.

Let me start with Docker. It is a technology I learnt only recently. I thought I could never get it but I decided to go simple, wrote a coin-flip Bash application, and successfully Dockerized it with Alpine. Yay! I can’t express why being able to do that makes me so happy. Virtualization is probably a hidden passion of mine since the old days. I have worked with so many operating systems in my childhood, after all: Windows 3.1, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows XP, Windows Server 2003, Windows Vista, Windows 7, Knoppix, OpenSUSE, Windows 8, Windows 8.1, Windows 10, Ubuntu 18.04, Ubuntu 20.04, and Alpine. There were a lot of Windows, haha!

I have been studying data structures in my university classes. I really wanted to create my own version of an object-oriented linked list in C++, which would encapsulate all the memory-allocation problems and can be used to create lists for any class or primitive type. I gave it a try, and it turned out to be really good!

I was using MinGW-w64 for a long time by its regular installer, but I then realized that I had GCC 8, while GCC 10 was out there for quite some time now. I wondered how much more complicated it is going to get: From MinGW to MinGW-w64, and now from that to MSYS2.

MSYS2 is the same environment that Git-Bash uses to virtualize Linux within Windows. It is based on Cygwin for the emulation, and provides an environment for building native Windows applications. I ended up completely migrating to MSYS2, and installing MinGW-w64 within it. I can now continue to use GCC like I used to, except I now have the latest version and can update it anytime using MSYS2. :)

I have been really thoughtful of my hair recently. Due to what has been going on in my life and family, I haven’t been taking proper care of them for more than several months now. I was so much better off in college, but COVID-19 ruined all plans. For the first time, I feel the want to give myself another chance. I felt the need to get a haircut and start from scratch once again.

I wrote the left-over lyrics for Dushman 2. I am hoping I can make it a great song. People really loved Dushman from 3 years ago. I hope they like this one too. It feels like the end I gave to Dushman was somehow incomplete. I will complete the story using Dushman 2.

Now that I am an even bigger fan of virtualization, I created my first ever web application using WebAssembly. It’s name is Pattern Generator, and I made it in C (?). A web application with C? That’s the power of WebAssembly.

Just when I was about to get started on Dushman 2, I heard a sad news. My dad’s credit card is now expired and the new one will be sent to the older address. The yearly subscription date for my music distributor is coming soon and I really don’t want see my songs gone. :( Hopefully it would get managed somehow.

My college now has another year of enthusiastic students. One of my classmates invited me over for an interaction session with them. I knew what “interaction sessions” are like, so I thought I’ll just go along and try not to be the typical sophomore to them. It was fun. I got to meet some amazing students and talked to them about really interesting stuff. I made sure to prove to everyone that I can revolutionize the senior-junior tradition at my college, and make the events and clubs more productive.

My parents managed the subscription payment. :) I can now continue working on Dushman 2 without any worries. There is an online degree programme by IIT Madras that my dad and I were really excited for. It has a qualifier examination process that we need to get through before being eligible for enrolling. The expenses would be hard to take care of, but if it turns out not to be too expensive and is worth the price, we wanted to take the chance.

I had been working on the qualifier examination related content for the past 2 months, and was pretty confident. I went with dad to Patna and gave the examination. It was extraordinarily easy. I completed it within the first hour, while we were given 3.5 hours. We weren’t allowed to leave before spending at least 2 hours in there, so I had to wait and then got out. At one point I felt I was being overconfident. Was the test too easy? Was I too good? The results will tell.

With all the recent events, I often went into deep thoughtfulness about my life and the existence of humanity. We humans tend to confine our thoughts to the world we find ourselves surrounded with. We forget about how much more there is to it. What if we are too careless and suffer early extinction? If we manage to make way for humanity to exist forever, what would it be? Would we be able to defy the universal speed limit?

I also got myself thinking about where I would end up at the end of my life. It might sound selfish, but I felt bad for myself if I die alone without anybody to leave my legacy with. I am not dying for it, but it would be nice to find the “dream life-partner” people talk about. I am an idealistic person and hence very choosy when it comes to the thought of having a romantic partner, but that part comes after I show interest in someone or someone shows interest in me, haha! 😂 Why, oh why, do I have to overthink this?

Perhaps this sense of self-loneliness is why I sometimes force myself to seek public attention. I have created a list of things I want to change in myself, but I have hardly changed myself much in this aspect. I need power, a lot of it, and I myself can wield it.

The human mind is an enigma, and I would like to give myself more time to think about it. Besides that, if I didn’t already mention, I resumed my daily workout and early wakeup schedule that I had begun in Lucknow. :) It feels so good to care better about physical health and fitness.

I’ll continue the story with the next one. Till then, goodbye~! ^_^

[paramsiddharth]

#10: Wisdom out in the Grasses

It's been an awfully long time and I will have to make this one very, very long. I’ll try to talk about everything in the sequence that it happened.

Do you ever feel so angry that you don't even know what to be mad at? Do you ever feel so hurt that the cause isn't evident? That's me right now.

Ah! Instead of whining, let me start with something productive for once. So, I have spent a positive amount of time with WSL1 and I am impressed. I’m glad Microsoft created it. I also learnt about how to apply stereo-widening to audio tracks in a DAW, and I found it really amazing how it completely changes the impression of the sound. I was unable to get WSL2 at the moment, but I’ll keep trying.

So, I obviously was dying to record some new songs but didn’t have a microphone. The price went down for a day but my mom missed the opportunity to get it at that point in time. I waited for a couple of days, hoping the price will go down again, but when it didn’t, I just decided to settle with a renewed one for a cheaper price.

Of course very few people remembered my birthday. I got some unexpected late wishes, but yes, it felt kind of nice to know they cared. I feel like the overwhelming personal problems I often whine about have caused people to stop caring for me, and it makes sense. How much could one afford to hear in a busy modern lifestyle?

I studied NodeJS a little further. On his birthday, babu (my brother) registered himself on all social media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Discord, to be specific. And yes! The mic was finally ordered.

I learnt about the callback hell in JavaScript. :P I find the name very funny, but it makes sense why it needs to be taken care of. I realize Promises have done a great job at revolutionizing it.

I mourned the demise of a classmate due to dengue. He couldn’t get proper care due to COVID-19, whence such an otherwise less fatal disease took him from us. May his soul rest in peace.

And we finally moved to the first floor. It didn’t immediately have positive results. The very next day my parents fought again. It felt like this would never end. Honestly, it was never a good idea to live in someone else’s control in the first place. My parents deserve a place of their own, and that’s exactly why we were determined to leave Faizabad.

However, I admit that moving up had a positive impact on us and we all feel better, mostly because none of us has to spend the entire day looking at each-other and getting annoyed when one person is happy and the other isn’t. We can choose to be in separate rooms minding our own business, while frequently spending quality time together.

I finally finished and released Pak Raza. I am overwhelmed by the positive response I got. Within just a few days, Pak Raza surpassed any song I ever created. People actually shared it to their Instagram Stories. Some thought it was a cover, hehe. 🤭 I had to clarify that I wrote, sung, mastered, and animated the song myself.

I was then suddenly enthusiastic about completing more of my songs. Meanwhile, Coursera courses were soon going to not be free anymore, so I started giving them more time and dedication. Interestingly, we had guests in the new home. For the first time in the recent while, I saw my mom and dad, both happy about it. I wish the best for them and hope the stay happy like this forever.

After recording and posting 2 song covers, and getting good response, I created Zeher, a song dedicated to anti-intoxication and de-addiction. Intoxicants and harmful drugs are a growing problem among the youth. In India itself, I have grown used to seeing young people taking drugs and other harmful things, without realizing how big a problem they are pulling themselves into. Everything that I would ever want to say to a druggist, and alcoholic, or anyone addicted to harmful items, I summarized in one song and released it.

Obviously I didn’t get the likes and comments of a couple of people. :P I know very well that my surroundings aren’t full of clean people either. I hope they learn a lesson from this song and hopefully try to let go of intoxicants.

There’s a new app out there for beta-testing. It allows us to gamify our life and evaluate ourselves based on our habits. I signed up for it and it has been really amazing so far! It’s name is Habitica, and I would recommend the reader to try it out too. It can be used from the browser itself, so it isn’t necessary to install it. :)

Professor Jogesh Muppala is indeed an amazing teacher. I don’t know how his teachings always push me to create something new. I created an Express middleware named Imaginator, which converts the ‘src’ attribute of all outgoing images to use data-URIs instead of the usual address of the image. It needs improvement, but works decently so far~! I published it on NPM.

I started studying some new technologies, such as Flutter, React, Angular, and ElectronJS. Meanwhile, my friend approached me for help with a project, and I worked with him on the first ever project that involved the separation of concerns. I know less about machine-learning than he does, and he knows less about front-end web development than I do, but we worked together and got it up and running. :) It is a cotton-leaf disease prediction web application.

Speaking of collaborations, a big collaboration was yet to come up. A friend of my friend, who wasn’t directly connected to me, creates amazing music tracks. I don’t usually approach people directly due to the possible consequences. 😅 Still, I took the chance and approached her, asking if she would consider a possible collaboration.

It went left and right for a while, and she sent me one of her tracks, saying I can make a song with it if I want. I am pretty sure she thought I wasn’t serious. That’s because she didn’t know me from before. xD

It was an amazing track. One could tell it from the first listen that it was meant to be a superhit song. I started writing the lyrics and recorded it. I reminded her that I am working on it and it is going to be an amazing song. I sent her a copy, and she liked it, too. We tried to get some of her vocals in, too, but sadly we couldn’t. :( It is hard to do it when you are collaborating from different places in the world and you don’t have expensive gear to make stuff easier.

After 2 weeks of labour, we finally did it! Neutrino was a huge success. The song caught momentum from day one and, everyone was talking about it. Many fell in love with the tune, many with the beats, many with the vocals, but in the end, everyone who listened to it loved it. I and AT (the creator of the track) couldn’t be prouder.

This happens when one writes a blog post after a very long time. It becomes

“long”. I would continue the story with the next one. See you there! :D

#life #slice #programming #coding #music #singing #collaboration #family #pain #trouble #struggle #power #staying strong

[paramsiddharth]

😇 https://www.instagram.com/p/CFUptBMlWN0/?igshid=s7ay4jsi3pup

[paramsiddharth]

There is nothing Similar to you In the world. https://www.instagram.com/p/CE3A83HFhEC/?igshid=1bz69yx37uuz0

[paramsiddharth]

#9: A Birthday Spent Unwell

I turned 19 today. Yee! That's really something to be excited about. I have mixed feelings about completing an year as an adult, but in the end it is all about growing up. In the end, we all learn and become a better version of ourselves.

The last post was full of emotionlessness. Not that anything has changed, but I am trying to figure out how to solve the dilemma life has put me into. I have been having trouble with my parents. One good reason is that I just happened to be spending so many months with my parents instead of being in college, due to COVID-19, and it is making things harder for them.

Another reason goes back to 2015-2016. I was very young compared to now. At the tender age of 15, I my parents often told me how I annoy and torture them. Getting beaten up was like a daily activity for me. I understand that it is a necessary part of a kid's upbringing. However, the problem was that I never understood what I did that bothered them. My skin grew thick as leather from getting beaten up, so at some point I got used to the pain. The idea of somehow hurting my parents' feelings, however, never left, and continued to torture me for years.

The situation right now is similar. Last time I talked to my mother when she wasn't mad at me, she asked me to become the boy I used to be. And I really admit, neither I nor she has changed. It just went back to how it used to be years ago. The only difference is that we are living in an awful condition and I have an adult body now. I still don't understand why my parents get mad at me, and unless they stop the scolding and beating and tell me what the problem is, I will never know.

Money really is a big deal. If we think about it, money is essential for human survival. It keeps the careless working on their feet, and eases the flow of resources. Yet, it isn't perfect. It causes more suffering to the poor and underprivileged than anything else. Half our problems would have gone away if we had sufficient money.

Observing biological growth is ugly and beautiful at the same time. It sure takes time to get used to the changes we go through. The process of becoming a human is a gradual and snaily process — It doesn't end once a human is born. It takes years of growth for the bodily systems to start functioning, the conscience to get used to worldly cruelty, and the mind and body to learn situation awareness. I haven't observed much change within the past year, which probably means I have surpassed the growing season of my life to reach the stable phase and my physical growth has slowed down.

A few of my friends wished me my birthday today. It feels nice when your friends remember. Daddy and babu (my brother) wished me too. It feels incomplete… It really is. My mother didn't wish me. Her hateful words continue to stab me every once in a while.

This had turned so cliché. I myself am tired of talking about how miserable I am. I want this to end too. But I don't get to control time. So I don't know what else to do…

I listened to my heart and tried everything I could. I talked to my friends, engaged into activities I like. I need to continue doing this. I won't stop. My mother said I don't do anything for her and I will never make her or my family happy. I'm tired of telling them that I love them and that I can do anything for her. I will keep quiet from now on and let them see for themselves.

I have continued studying on Coursera. I really don't want to give it up while it is still free, and there's just too much good content to let go of. I'm learning more of NodeJS and SQL, and I am spending some time doing a course on the technology behind music production too. I recently finished the second course on R.

She always talks about how I should stop studying and how it's not even worth it. Plus it would save money. I beg to differ. The first thing I will have a good chance at is a good career, and that will come from my education, experience, and degree. It will cost money, but it will be worth it. Years later, I will prove to her that I made it worth it.

I will make my dad talk to a good therapist on phone alone, sometime. I want him to understand how all this can be fixed by therapy. I want him to understand that we can choose to heal. I want us to change for good. That is our only chance at lifelong happiness.

Honestly, this wasn't even my birthday. I still hardly feel it is my birthday at all. Not that I am upset, but it is natural to expect some difference on this day. I guess dates are just dates. ;)

See you!

#birthday #19 years #parents #fight #trouble #hatred #love #together #strength #life #money #issues #problems #pain

[paramsiddharth]

#8: Topsy-Turvy

I feel really unconscious, almost intoxicated. The only time I felt like this before now was when I was away from my family for the 4ᵗʰ international convention of Spic Macay. Every drop of water feels intoxicating. I don't even know where to start, and I feel like I won't be able to finish this in one go. It will cost me much time to get over this, and I regret not being able to do anything about this.

I will start from a few days ago, when I was studying Qt. I realized there is no reliable source to learn Qt for free, so I will have to observe examples and learn on my own. It was a fruitful process. I got started with Qt and GUI development, and shifted my focus to understand how to use qmake, add the relevant data to the project.pro file, et cetera. The devotion paid well. I implemented one application idea in both Qt for C++ and Qt for Python (PySide2/PyQt5).

Furthermore, I was already researching ways to use Matplotlib with Flask to display dynamic plots in webpages, so I started thinking about whether the same will be possible for Qt. Turns out Matplotlib had a backend module especially for the same purpose. I ended up using it, along with Equation, another PyPI module that makes is easier to parse mathematical expressions, to make MiniPlot, a GUI-based application that lets you plot mathematical equations of the form y = f(x).

The next day, I resumed my work on "A New Way of looking at the Trigonometric Sign Convention". I made the diagrams and used them along with LaTeX to thoroughly explain the concept of the new technique of deducing the sign convention. I published it on Figshare and shared it across social media.

Param Siddharth is another name for trouble", said nobody ever. But seriously, everywhere I go, I drag trouble with me. Of course I didn't do a scientific breakthrough by sharing a technique of understanding the sign convention that I find myself more comfortable with than the traditional method, but this fact isn't enough to fancy those who would rather believe this is yet another braggadocio I am pulling off. Instead of trying to give constructive feedback, all they tried was to convince me that I didn't do right by sharing it.

I received appreciation and constructive feedback by many. My teacher gave it to me in the most pleasant way possible, and I would do anything for being heard even if I end up being criticized. Then came the turn — Out of nowhere, my phone suddenly started acting weird. During a call with Ritesh, my phone's power button seemed to have been stuck or something. It continuously started pressing itself again-and-again, which I understood by the camera option appearing and the shutdown option appearing. The phone got stuck in a bootloop.

That hit me hard. I had spent the past many weeks in regret and agony over how things aren't OK and convenient in my life, and the day I finish and publish my research document, something this bad happens. It also reminded me of how my phone crashed last year and stopped working all of a sudden, making me lose all the data stored in it. I didn't want to suffer yet another data loss.

More than that, I knew that I wouldn't ask my dad to buy me another phone if this one stopped working. Not again. I know I take good care of my devices. I just don't know whether it is me who makes them stop working or it is some big-time strategy of companies to sell products that stop working at some point forcing customers to buy new products.

I teared up. I couldn't control myself after that. I tried pressing some buttons, which made it worse. The device went into fastboot, and then it showed a prompt that said 'Erasing'. I understood. And then the device booted, with all the data gone.

The looping didn't stop. It continued for a while as I kept thinking it is something wrong with the power button. Then it suddenly stopped rebooting. I open the device, and for some reason I didn't feel the pain I felt in September 2019 after losing my work stored in my pain. It felt as if all the ability to feel I ever had, vanished.

I know good and bad times come, but this topsy-turvy of a life is something that has outdone me, and the ability to tolerate it cost me my ability to feel emotions. I feel like a robot now. My parents scold me for my gait, my looks, my hair, my voice, my behaviour, everything. It's like I will never find closure. What could I do? I didn't choose to turn out like this. This is who I have always been. Why is that suddenly a problem?

I had a fight with my mom yesterday. It started just because I said, "I will wash my legs with soap once we move up. I don't want to use surf (detergent) on my body.". It triggered her as if I said something offensive. Yesternight, dad and I fought over a single statement I uttered. What has happened to us? Have we forgotten that we are supposed to be a family? Will my mom ever recover from her OCD?

About her OCD, we all are bothered by it. I continuously asked my dad to trust me that only therapy can help her recover, he is far from convinced. He thinks that a person who doesn't listen to one's family won't listen to any doctor. He doesn't understand that it is about more than just listening. Only an expert can guide us with something that can't otherwise be figured out. Considering how hard it is to get out of the house because of her OCD, this is a terrible deadlock.

When I slept last night, I started thinking of my entire life from start to end, what I set out to achieve, and where I ended up. For some reason, I couldn't see what will happen in the future. I couldn't foresee any good news coming. I had applied to a few internships. I submitted their assignments with great hope. Today, I woke up to the news that I wasn't selected. It just couldn't get worse.

I don't even know why would anyone want to read this. There are more important things in life to do than to listen to me being pathetic. And desperate too. I wished I'd get microphone soon and be able to record my new song. I wanted to record atleast one song before I get forced to get a haircut. As it turns out, our financial status isn't getting better. The only chance I had of earning by becoming an intern are gone too. I feel like I will be losing my wish to perform and create if I continue being this miserable.

This is my new laptop, by the way. My brother made the drawing you see using FireAlpaca. I was so engrossed into letting my feelings out that I never realized I should have shown this picture.

Deep in my heart, I do believe, We shall overcome, someday.

As I speak these lines, I feel the lack of emotion in myself. I feel so emotionless that I don't even know how to feel bad about it. I tried to stay hopeful for as long as I can. I realize those who give up and stay depressed about tiny problems of life should probably be given the pitiful example of me. That will help them understand that their problem is something that can be fixed with a little work, mine can't. It is important to realize there are people out there who are living in more misery than you are. That way, we learn to be grateful for what we have.

I don't know what's wrong with me and why I am saying all this. My heart feels very heavy right now. I should leave…

#programming #gui #qt #python #trigonometry #research #work #money #life #pain #trouble #fight #family #love #miserable #pathetic #desperate #done with everything

[paramsiddharth]

💕 https://www.instagram.com/p/CDsSCJQlvuN/?igshid=csqiae9a9p2p

[paramsiddharth]

#7: In Search of Acceptance

Diversity is an inseparable part of our existence. It is beautiful. However, it is perhaps not just as amazing in the lack of acceptance.

Being confined to a single room for 2 months in a row — Would you call that imprisonment? A happy, loving, and stable family… Is that too much to ask for?

I have lived in the world long enough to know how it works. People love to get entertained by movies that portray painful reality. Little do survive when it comes to facing it.

What is acceptance? How to feel accepted? Does it come from within? Most of it does, but as far as you go being dependent on anybody other than yourself, self-acceptance alone won't do.

My parents are suffering. I know they are. They are in huge financial pain. Not just that, they have spent the past 20 years of marriage being bullied and demeaned for being the great humans they tried to be. They have been thrashed by everyone they once loved, from siblings and parents to colleagues and neighbours. It seems they have lost the ability to show affection itself.

A few days ago, they fought again. Considering how we have to listen to every selfish demand of my mom (for her OCD of cleanliness), many of which require financial sacrifices, my dad is in a pathetic condition. We are so desperate to have a home of our own that we have forgotten that we ever had a life or that we will ever have a happy one.

My mom is totally not in her own control when angry. She chooses to abandon everyone and run from her responsibilities. She can commit something serious if not controlled, and my dad has grown stone to such circumstances. That is when I end up being the one desperately holding her back from committing any wrongdoing whilst helping my dad with emotional stability. This, too, has become so frequent now, that I have grown weak.

It has been 6 days since I last touched programming. It has been hard for me to do anything in a life like this. Being confined to a single room, a single bed, with my brother, mom, and dad, each occupying some part of it, has led to reluctance in doing anything that gives me joy. That alone, however, isn't the stopping force. It has been my parents too.

Under their own frustration, my parents have been atrocious on me. 3 continuous days of being bullied by them has taught me heavy lessons. Every night, something as tiny as me stepping with one slipper of mine on the other one would drive them mad and they would throw at me the harshest words. Whether I cry, shout, weep, or even ask for help or beg for love, nothing works. They don't stop.

They themselves have nothing to be happy about. Perhaps that is the reason they have been talking rough of me, scolding me, and stopping me from using electronic devices. They have forbidden me to talk to my friends on phonecalls, something that was therapeutic to my worries and made me stronger in holding up against the problems in life. They have forbidden me from doing anything I love, either listening to music, watching videos, programming, learning, or studying.

Their idea of masculinity is disgusting. My paternal middle uncle's family is the biggest cause of the troubles my family has faced. One thing that I notice in his family is that he does many of the house chores that are traditionally designated to the female members in the Indian society. I despise my uncle and his family for all they wronged us, but the fact that he helps his wife out with house chores is something I appreciate.

My mom has been constantly bullied recently over how she doesn't keep herself beautified and wear jewelleries and makeup as a woman "should". In a very humiliating way, a far aunt of mine refused to take tea from my mom's hands just because she wasn't wearing bangles. I was shocked, and I hated everyone for their misogyny towards my mom.

However, much as it hurts to admit it, my parents are not too different. Not even my mom. They have inherited lots of the same misogyny. An example of that came out to me a few days ago when my parents started calling me names over the fact that I decided to have long hair and questioned my masculinity, comparing me with my paternal middle uncle.

My parents continued with the accusations of how I didn't listen to them and get a haircut. It felt as if my long hair were making them suffocate. They emotionally forced me to give in to their wish to not let me have long hair when they said that I will probably get them cut once they died. I said to my mom that I'll get a haircut whenever she will say. Not that it ended their questioning of my masculinity. I won't lie, it doesn't hurt when anybody in the whole bloody world makes fun of me over anything. But it hurts bad when my parents make fun of me for who I am.

I forgot to mention that I got a new laptop. It happened before the last post, and the reason I was holding back the post before that one was because I wanted it be a part of the new laptop's inauguration. Upsetting as their recent attitude towards me has been, I know my parents love me. Why else would they buy me everything and take care of me? I just wish they continued to give me the love I have craved for the past 1½ years.

In a world that has discarded me forever, it doesn't take more than my parents discarding me too to completely wreck me. I don't know how it feels like to be that beautiful girl whom nobody likes and the very few who attempt friendliness are due to sexual attraction, but I do know how it feels like to be the intelligent guy that everyone hates but makes good use of when help is needed, thanks to his giving and forgiving nature, affectionate behaviour, and weak heart.

Everybody has hated me since forever. The only people who have given me strength are my parents… My family. They have always been there for me ever since the beginning of my life. If they stopped supporting me for who I am just because I am not what I was expected to be, I would break. I haven't grown self-dependent yet. I need them. And honestly, I'll need them forever. Their love has driven me for years of my adolescence. I wish it stayed with me now, at the tip of adulthood.

It is easy to escape the reality when you have a choice. In the current scenario, I don't seem to have any. It hasn't been tough for me to write this entry, but I just did. I let go of my urge to hold back all negativity just because I was constantly waiting for something good to happen. I finally let go. I am suffering, with no choice but to continue to suffer for even longer. I have faith in the soul of goodness, and if the natural unfolding of space and time serves me right, everything will get better. I have no choice, but to be patient.

At this point, all superficial relations seem to show colours. With all delusions aside, I am now able to see things I have never been able to. I realize that half of the closest friends I have been forcing myself to be proud of are fake too. Some of the ones I have loved very much with all my heart have constantly used me, and right now, I can't depend enough on them to even have a listening ear for my woes, because they still manage to convince me that it is more important for me to fix their problems.

If things get better, I will consider myself blest more than anything else. Those blissful moments would be fuel to my path further down this road to discovering life. I want to use this opportunity to change myself more and walk in the right direction towards growing my worth in this cruel world. I want to be able to grow stronger and prove to the core of existence that I also deserve happiness… That I have done nothing wrong.

Love, Param.

#life #problems #pain #trouble #acceptance #harsh #reality #depression #finance #hatred #agony #respect #patience #weakness #love

[paramsiddharth]

You know, one of the tragedies of real life is that there is no background music.

— Annie Proulx