paulineinbw - Tumblr blog

paulineinbw · 2 years

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Lol, glad this acc still exists. Andaming nangyare 2017 self, pero more like sa paligid ko. As for me, ewan. Maybe coming back to this account is proof na di aq nag grow as a person. I’m still that sad edgy teen HHAHDHa ew

I haven't really slept a wink so this is going to be random.

Recently, lalong lumala “insomnia” ko. Overthinking about a lot of stuff lately. Lots to do with my friends, my insecurities, the way I’m growing old and letting time pass me by. Nakakaiyak lahat isipin. Si Angel na lang ang kinakausap ko, minsan si Q. Medyo ok naman na ko sa ganun, though I can't help but ask for more, to meet them like usual, to be able to touch them ba,,, tas more friends to talk to,,, like can someone ask me kamusta ako? Am I wrong to think that? : ( Feel ko ako lang ung nageeffort tas ako lang ung masaya makausap ung “kaibigan” ko. Napapapaisip tuloy ako kung baket nga ba nila ko kakaibiganin?? Maybe dahil ayaw lang nila magisa nung mga times na un at wala sling ibang choice kung di ako. Nsasaktan ako itype toh hsahsaha pero baka pagnivent ko sa space na toh baka mawala ung saket kahit papano. Malaking parte ng buhay ko mga friends ko. Tuwing naiisip ko mawala sa mundo, mga mukha nila ang nasa isip ko. I still have to bond with them parang ganun ba,, pero panu ngayon?? sobrang limited tas nakakapagod na din mag i miss you nang ilang beses hHAHDHDAH nagtatry naman ako magreach out pagkaya ko kasi baka isipin nila busy ako bcs of college,, busy ako pero kakayanin ko kung nandyan kayo :< naiintindihan ko dn kung di sila pede pero minsan lang naman aso mag-aya dn and ofc, if di tlg kaya, i appreciate honesty, magsabi lang kung ayaw. Inis pa din ako ke kath Kais ni pasko o new year di nya kami binati ni Ange tas nangghost pasamin :< pede naman magsabi kung di kaya,,, maiintindihan ko :< I feel like we’re growing apart this pandemic. I don't know if it it’s for good but the realisation hurts me so much. Onti lang ang pinapapasok ko sa buhay ko tas mababawasan pa. Please lang :< Tama na :< HAHAHDHAH ATTACHMENT ISSUES

Another thing na iniisip ko lately is kung insecurities ko. At this age, I had expectations of myself. Magoglo up ako, may trabaho tas if possible, may love life pero sa sitwasyon ngayon, sobrang hirap. Yung glo up ko sobrang postponed ashsahsah i hate how being “sad” manifests physically. Sobrang unrealistic how depression is romanticised on media nowadays. Depression is not all about being a mysterious beautiful mess. It’s ugly. It can make you ugly. My teeth is aching tas I had bleeding gums early quarantine 2020. I have lots of acne scars from the sleepless nights and stress. I’m losing excessive hair. I used to scratch my legs causing hyperpigmentation bcs I was dirty and meron talaga akong eczema, which can be triggered by stress din. I was fucking disgusting. I feel disgusting. I even had my parents rush me to the hospital in the middle of the fucking pandemic prebirthmonth ko kasi nagpanic attack ako and namutla ako kakaisip na ayaw kong magkasaket kasi ayaw kong maging pabigat pa lalo. Putangina nga non e. They won’t help me and baka daw takot lang ako na covid ako HHAASHAHA DI NGA KO LUMALABAS EVER AND WALA AQNG SYMPTOMS IN GENERAL. They're like trying to milk us money by telling na magpaswab test daw ako. Tangina lang. Ayun nga, nagoverthink dn tlg ako aksi pabigat ako dito sa bahay sa totoo lang. Gusto ko na magtrabaho pero natatakot din ako baka magdala ko ng ccovid tas commissions sana kaso insecure pa ko sa art ko. Putangina. San ako lulugar???? Ewan ko ba. I really feel bad. Nagwoworry pa ko sa future ko. Tangina may pagasa ba tlg ang art sa pinas? Wag na kayo maglokohan pero sobrang baba pa din ng tingin sa art. Ni walang nagoofffer ng scholarship and kung meron man, limited pa kaya kung ano mang kahantungan ko after ko maggraduate, talagang natatakot ako. How can my art standout? Ni wala aqng audience kasi hiyang hiya ako sa art ko. Putangina. Sa totoo lang, I don't really think my art is bad. To be honest, for me above average naman pero puta pano ba toh magsastandout??? I feel like I’m doing what everybody else does and It’s not gonna get me anywhere. Hopefully, I get to find out and do what I really want, lalo na magthesis kami.

Never thought I’m gonna type this in here, pero ghaaad I kinda wanna get ffff HAHHAHSHHSAHSA IS THAT WRONG OF ME TO ASK jk anyways, wala tlg ako interes sa love,,,, pero lately, i’ve been lonely and I want a person na sakin lang magfofocus. Selfish ng reason ko pero mukang un naman talaga yun. Pagfriends lang di ka priority e pero if u have your own person, ikaw lagi almost over anything. :< Idk if I’m sounding like a red flag rn pero realistically speaking lang as someone na laging napapalitan ng bf HAHAHAH charot pero hmmm tbh, may mag times na i kinda fall for my best friends,,,, pero theres a voice in my head telling me na hindi un ang gusto ko for myself. Naghahanap ako ng person na magfifirst move. I remember one time may nabanggit saken former classmate ko na may nagkacrush saken. I felt happy kahit unsure ako kung sino. A part of me wishes na sana kinausap man lang niya ko. :< In the past, may mga nag first move naman saken. I just don’t like ung ugali nila and alam ko un no kasi kaibigan ko muna sila. May babae nga umamin saken pero initial reaction ko “baket?” tas parang nandiri ako....not because babae siya but because sa ugali niya. May mga ginagwa shang di ko gusto pero I can tolerate as her friend no. She can be gay or whatever, I accept that. More on talaga sa ugali niya. Also, she has issues with her mother, which I’m not ready to deal with back then. Meron din naming nag first move tas nagustuhan ko kaso mukhang landing pabiro niya lang. She would always call me babe tas magfiflirty remarks. She would compliment me whether it’s my looks or my works. She’s v supportive. She even stood up for me nung walang nakikinig saken because she understands that I can’t be outspoken like her. She takes pictures of me always. She feels warm to be with. Sobrang vibes namin na natakot ako sirain yun at baka pagumamin ako, biruin niya lang din. Kaya napagtanto ko din na friends can be flirty e HAHSHAH dahil sa kanya,,, Nasaktan ako beri last nung nagkajowa sha and ung jowa niya pretty af HASHSAHHSAHA sino ba naman ako compared dun HASHSAHSA PUTA she calls him artwork.... nu laban ko dun HSAHASHSA kainsecure,,, :< she stopped hanging out with me non tas nag away pa kami pero di away na wild HSAHSAHHSA tampuhan pala hehe :< hayssss napadami na chika ko about her,,, Inshort, I wanna be loved naman heuehuehue :< So ayun in this pandemic, posible ba un? Ni ayaw ko ng internet love kasi may trust issues ako. Feel ko di q din deserve un hahahaha ewan choosy ko deba HHAHDHDAHAD kaya kahit anong eme saken ng mga tao sa discord, di ako bibigay sa inyo putanginanyo :> HHAHASHa sana yang ke A ay panghabangbuhay na,,, tho I have mixed feelings about it di na important un basta masaya sha :”) sa totoo lang one of those feelings is inggit,,,, buti pa si A, madaling mahalin.... :< ako ginagamit lang pang practice HASHSAHAHS GINAGAMIT KO DIN NAMAN SILA hshhashsa for entertainment wag lang tlg aq maano sa minors dun huhuhu skeri :< so aun yan na lang muna for now balk ako next 4 years charot HAHHHAHDHHDHA PUTANGINA SANA MAGING OK KA NA SELF

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