peter1rose

[peter1rose]

#i hate craving your attention #i was asleep until i met you

[peter1rose]

Old school libraries and archives 📖

#dark academia

[peter1rose]

I need a word beyond friendship, a feeling that conveys my wants from you, my needs. Do not be mistaken. I do not wish to taint what we have or take it far beyond; I only hope to catch it in my hands so that it cannot leave me.

#dear diary #txt

[peter1rose]

When I was younger I spent hours memorizing poetry, and when I was alone I would recite it back to myself. The gesture now seems so innocent. I simply indulged in poetry because I thought it was beautiful, and now I find that it's one of the few things that still comforts me.

#im into poetry again #it comes and goes #in toronto right now they have poems on their transit system. i really adore it

[peter1rose]

Your worries give me false hope, and my disappointment leaves me numb.

#dear diary #txt

[peter1rose]

"Your praise cuts me, because though I speak so easily of certain things, though I rush through ground that to you seems mined, it's only earth to me... I am so good at missing things. At making myself not see. I stand at a cliff's edge, and— hell.

I love you."

- Max Goldstone

Photos of my time in Toronto.

#dark academia #architecture #quotes #dear diary #dark academia aesthetic #books #light academia #academic #romantic academia #this is how you lose the time war #old aesthetic #chaotic academia #Toronto

[peter1rose]

The nightmare of my past still haunts me. Free me from this endless torture.

#dear diary #txt

[peter1rose]

Little snippets spotted at Commonwealth Books, Boston

#quotes

[peter1rose]

The Morgan Library, New York

#dark academia

[peter1rose]

A lovely atmosphere…to be surrounded by books in a silent room. 

#dark academia

[peter1rose]

Amal El-Mohtar, This Is How You Lose the Time War

#dark academia #quotes #dear diary #dark academia aesthetic #books #light academia #academic #this is how you lose the time war #romantic academia #chaotic academia #yearning

[peter1rose]

Mary Oliver, from “Hum Hum”, A Thousand Mornings

#quotes

[peter1rose]

George Seferis, translated by Rex Warner, from Poems translated from the Greek; "Argonauts,"

#quotes

[peter1rose]

#architecture

[peter1rose]

My emotions feel so primal. They lunge around my ribcage as I struggle to maintain composure. Yet, when I try to free them, they choke me back into silence. My hands are left to fill the gaps my words could never.

#dear diary #txt

[peter1rose]

I want my presence to fade your loneliness away. You crave an obsessive friendship with no expectation on how to fill each other's lives, and my heart swells at the chance to fulfill it. Even if your desires are impulsive I would cherish that fleeting feeling of being needed by you.

#dear diary #txt #relapse maybe i am obsessive crazy always indebted to one person #i dont know who i am. i just chase feelings and when im numb i stay still

[peter1rose]

I always hear that large groups of trans people are affected by homelessness. People will spread large statistics and percentages, and I hate that I'm one of them. I hate being so easily affected by my environment. I feel so helpess and anxious. I can't focus on my work. I don't even know anyone who has had this same issue. I have been couch hopping for over a month now. I miss being able to eat without wondering about my next meal, without being anxious to cook, to take up space. I miss having my privacy, a solid wall between me and others. I miss my clothes, my items, my cat, my friends...

How do I even explain this to people? I'm homeless but not unhoused. My friend says I'm displaced, but I don't think that's quite right. I wasn't pushed out by war or famine. I can't say it isn't discrimination, but I can't know. I have no proof. I feel so trapped and vulnerable, but when I see others worse off, I feel horrible and ungrateful. Why can't I pick myself back up? Why can't I just wrangle the last bit of determination I have and work like hell to fix my life?

It isn't like I'm not trying. I have been working my best at a job where my boss constantly tells me I'm not good enough to earn a living wage. I try my best to work a second gig in a field I actually love but can't support me. Yet, this last week, my head feels so heavy and full of rocks. I can't focus, and when my boss calls me, I feel an intense rage. I spend a lot of my days sleeping. I never hear back from job listings. Even if I did, how could I expect my frail body to work a regular job. How do I explain this to anyone when I can't get a diagnosis for anything.

I know I have heart problems and intestinal problems. I have had some diagnosis on both, yet I never got better as they said I would. My cardiologist would constantly dismiss me, but I can feel this intense pain throughout my upper body, my heart thumping and occasionally one hard thump before it tries to slow down. My ribcage aches. My body can't function without supplements. Food scares me because I never know if I'll suffer for eating, for trying to live.

No insurance, no government help, I'm just one of those people who fell through the gap. Nothing in our society was set up for someone like me, so do I even deserve to take up space? The worst of it, I want to. I want to live so badly. All of my youth I spent wanting to die, and now that I've finally brought myself to a place where I want to live, the world won't let me. I'm begging for salvation, please. God, just give me one out, one solution to my myriad of problems. Let me be happy and warm one more time.

#dear diary #txt