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#the useless days will add up to something

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I stare at the screen for hours, trying to make the words come out, but they won't. I can't compel myself to take a break, because there's this voice screaming at me from the base of my brain...

"You've been told you're a great writer, and you want to be a published author. But all you have to show for it after forty-four years are a dozen crash-and-burn writing projects. When you have the time to write, you don't, for a host of reasons. If you don't have something written by the time you die--which comes closer with every passing day--you've wasted your gifts, you've wasted all the effort people put into educating you, and you've wasted your life. So sit down and WRITE, you worthless piece of shit!"

How do you get past the paralysis caused by the obligation to produce? Is there a way to trick your brain and your body into writing? Or do you just slog on through, no matter how long you have to sit there to get a thousand words a day out?

Perhaps you could try to be kinder to yourself.

I always give myself permission to write or to do nothing at all (staring out of the window or at a wall is okay). After a while spent staring at a wall it's often easier to write.

Remember if you write a page a day -- 300 words -- at the end of a year you'll have a 100,000 word novel.

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i know it’s been said before, but it bears repeating: a big, big part of maintaining your confidence & self esteem as a creator is fully embracing the concept of “you don’t have to be good like them.  you can be good like you.”

for example, i’m not someone who’s particularly good at coming up with complex, elaborate plots or incredibly unique ideas.  it’s just not how i choose to write.  and it would be easy for me to look at someone with an elaborate, super unique plot & decide that because i don’t write like that, i’m not a good writer.  after all, unique plots are good, and my writing lacks those, so my writing must not be good, right?  well, no, actually.  i just have different strengths, like taking a simple premise & digging super deep into its emotional depths.  that’s what i do well & it isn’t any better or worse than people who do elaborate world building or come up with really creative and unexpected plots.

your writing is never going to be all things to all people.  it just isn’t.  inevitably, you’ll have to make creative choices that favor certain aspects of writing over others.  there is truly no getting around that & it’s honestly a good thing, because it means you’ve developed your own style.  but you’ll always encounter other creators who posses strengths that you don’t.  it doesn’t mean one is better than the other or that your writing isn’t good enough. 

comparing yourself like that would be like taking a piece of pizza & a cupcake & going “oh no, that cupcake is so sweet & my pizza isn’t sweet at all.” or “gosh, the garlic crust on that pizza is delicious and my cupcake doesn’t have ANY garlic.”  obviously your pizza isn’t sweet.  obviously your cupcake doesn’t have garlic.  a food can’t have every single delicious flavor at once.  the cupcake is good like a cupcake.  the pizza is good like a pizza.  so you don’t have to be good like them.  you can be good like you.

#honestly im struggling so much w my book review writing #I need to shift my mindset or something

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there is no such thing as being "behind in life" but it's okay to recognise that you missed out on some things whilst you were busy surviving

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I genuinely think that any change in behavior starts w telling yourself that your worst days, worst performances, just worst moments in general aren’t who you “truly are.” It’s all about unlearning any thought process that essentially chalks up traits you aren’t proud of to “this is who I really am” “in reality I’m lazy” “in reality I’m just a bad person” bc not only is that never true, but it impedes your efforts to try to do better as well. Anything we struggle with has roots in things like childhood trauma, thoughts you’ve been fed before, your upbringing…. but never that you’re inherently a bad person. What I’m learning this year is that a lot of us doing better & being better & improving really comes down to self-talk—to disavowing the very notion that deep down we’re simply bad.

#i have been so bad at self talk lately that im actually too anxious to set goals and i want that to change!!!

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biblioteque in nyc

just finished my masters degree & decided to take a self-care trip to nyc to visit some college friends!

#bookstore #coffee shop #nyc aesthetic #aesthetic studyblr

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let yourself be a cliche if it makes you happy. go to coffee shops and order something with too many syllables. cry yourself to sleep sometimes. kiss in the rain. draw on your arms. write bad poetry. write better poetry. fill notebooks with your crushes and hopes and yearnings. feel everything for the first time.

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7 Reasons you might be procrastinating and how to solve them:

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LIFE ADVICE FOR YOUR TEENS AND EARLY TWENTIES (and probably beyond but I haven't made it much farther than that so far):

GO OUT BY YOURSELF

LEARN HOW TO NAVIGATE PUBLIC TRANSIT WITH NO SMART PHONE

TAKE ONLINE CLASSES

MAKE PEACE WITH DISAPPOINTING YOUR PARENTS

GO TO THERAPY IF POSSIBLE

FOLLOW AFTERCARE INSTRUCTIONS FOR NEW TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS

EAT A MEAL BEFORE DRINKING

DON'T MIX DRUGS

IT'S HARD TO BE YOURSELF WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW YOURSELF SO JUST KEEP TRYING NEW THINGS

THROW EVERYTHING AT THE WALL LIKE SPAGHETTI TO SEE WHAT STICKS

YOU WILL DISCOVER YOURSELF THE SAME WAY YOU DISCOVER NEW COFFEE SHOPS AND NEW BANDS

YOU WILL GET THERE

DON'T MAKE A LONG POST IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE YOUR VOICE WILL START TO HURT FROM SHOUTING

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i hope you meet people with intentions as pure as your own and i hope you travel to all the places you’re curious about and i hope the restaurants you go to have your favorite drink and i hope you always have good dreams when you sleep and i hope the life you live is a fulfilling one

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A GUIDE TO WINTER: invest in good socks, go on a walk everyday, drink at least one hot drink, wear compression socks when standing long periods of time, light an unscented candle (for atmosphere), invest in scarves, learn a new skill, lather yourself in oils and take one warm bath a week, add another blanket to your bed, add a blanket to just the foot of your bed, soup!, write letters (to send to someone or to no one), eat a meal with another person, read a book (or a magazine, or a journal, or a comic, or something), mend what needs mending, fix what needs fixing, throw away or replace what needs throwing away or replacing, release the tension, stretch, throw a ball (an actual ball or a party, you choose), pray?, pray!, analyze your dreams, check your horoscope, practice discipline, embrace pleasure, lose peace then find peace, you are really that hungry so eat, you are really that tired so sleep, talk to someone (even if that someone is just you), add a red light bulb to your bed side lamp, sit in a red lit room, change something about yourself (some options include bleaching your eyebrows, shaving your head, getting a tattoo, changing your legal name), make something, make anything, make meaning from nothing, make everything meaningless, hug something living (a tree counts), develop a ritual and call it sacred, balance it all, repeat this list.

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It’s Sunday Morning in Early November

by Philip Schultz

and there are a lot of leaves already. I could rake and get a head start. The boy’s summer toys need to be put in the basement. I could clean it out or fix the broken storm window. When Eli gets home from Sunday school, I could take him fishing. I don’t fish but I could learn to. I could show him how much fun it is. We don’t do as much as we used to do. And my wife, there’s so much I haven’t told her lately, about how quickly my soul is aging, how it feels like a basement I keep filling with everything I’m tired of surviving. I could take a walk with my wife and try to explain the ghosts I can’t stop speaking to. Or I could read all those books piling up about the beginning of the end of understanding… Meanwhile, it’s such a beautiful morning, the changing colors, the hypnotic light. I could sit by the window watching the leaves, which seem to know exactly how to fall from one moment to the next. Or I could lose everything and have to begin over again.

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gentle reminder: you are very capable and I’m excited for your future

slightly less gentle reminder: you do have to work for it

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2023.09.14

Working on transcribing my reading notes into Obsidian today. They just put out a new properties update which is both a huge quality of life update but also requires me to basically redo all of my metadata which will probably take months.

Very pleased with the progress I'm making on my reading overall. Next up I have annotations to write for a meeting with my advisor and poetry to put together for teaching.

▶️ Secret Sleepover Society on YouTube 🎵 Hozier- Unreal Unearth

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things im looking forward to in fall –

stepping on crunchy leaves

earth toned clothing

cold mornings

too many cups of tea/coffee to count

horror movie nights

antique shopping

the crisp cool feeling that hangs in the air

lighting scented candles

baking baking baking

soft oversized sweaters, lovely blazers and vintage shoes

halloween decorations !!!

drinking hot chocolate snuggled into a cozy blanket

stargazing on crisp nights

long bubble baths

wandering in libraries and bookstores

#tries not to be depressed about summer ending #tries to transition gracefully into the school year with the seasons #tries to accept that time moves #growth hurts #& i will have autumn for company

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at a certain point you just get tired of your own shit. you have to force yourself to meditate, workout, eat mindfully and read the books to form a routine that gives you a sense of happiness within yourself again. it’s exhausting i know, but you gotta keep fighting for yourself because no one will take care and love you the way you can for own being. this life is not something to go bout so casually, everyday is your first and last time to embrace this moment. this life was gifted to you with a planet to explore and souls to experience. so show up for yourself.

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being in your twenties is like [making a nice meal just for yourself] [trying a new hobby] [baking a cake because you want to] [moving in with your best friends] [celebrating small wins] [dreaming up a billion future versions of yourself] [long distance friendship phone calls] [trying new styles] [finding the people you can sit and do nothing with] [having your favourite dishes for dinner] [getting piercings] [trying a new recipe] [finding the people to do kitchen karaoke with] [choosing yourself over and over again] [dinner picnics in the park] [celebrating the big wins] [finding the people to go on day trips with] [learning a new language] [finally getting that one tattoo you've been daydreaming about] [being a regular at a cosy café] [learning how to be your own ally] [dyeing your hair late at night with a friend] [painting your walls] [creating a life you enjoy experiencing]