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There once lived a girl.
Her mind was the biggest puzzle in her life, the only one she couldn’t work out.
Her imagination was wild, uncontrollable.
Sometimes, she couldn’t tell wrong from right.
Her mind flooding with all of these unimaginable thoughts and she was just drowning.
She was often lost, only found in her own little world.
When she experienced new feelings and emotions, she always struggled to digest them.
She just didn’t know how.
Her past played a rather large role in her life. Probably more than she wanted to. Or even realised.
She always struggled when it came to making big decisions. She was never really good at them.
She was overly sensitive but also came across as a bit of a bitch.
She either loved or hated people, there was not really an in between for her.
Sometimes she could even be toxic.
Sometimes she even had toxic thoughts, thoughts she wanted gone forever.
But like I said, her imagination was uncontrollable.
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No one tells you about teenage-hood. No one prepares you for the heartache, the pain, the ups and downs, the hurdles, the thunder, or the rainy days. It’s not easy. It’s crazy how much changes once you become an adult. The number of different ongoing issues. All the thoughts wrapped around the brain. All the misspoken words. The silence.
No one prepares you for any of it.
It’s a life of its own.
When you become an adult, after high school, everything starts to change. University is like a new world of its own that takes getting used to, and most importantly, it is not for everyone. Then there is balancing studies and work because you have to be responsible for your own expenses now. Then there is balancing work, uni, and your social life. But graduating high school comes with a lot of lost friendships that again, no one prepares you for. Then you have to make friends at uni. But it’s so much harder than I can explain. It almost makes you miss being in high school. You start to feel lonely, there is pain and heartache. Nights filled with sad tunes and wet pillowcases. Then you feel stressed because adjusting to uni is not simple and work can get too much sometimes and you want more free time to do what makes you happy and spend time with family but you almost don’t have enough hours in a day to make time for everything. Then you become tired because you spend your nights resting and your mornings studying. Then there is relationships. Somehow, amongst everything else that is going on, you have to make time for the one you love, because you miss them too much and they make you happy. But that’s not always the case. And when they fail to make you happy, it all just gets a bit too much. Then everything starts to hit you at once. And you just can’t do it anymore. You feel like you’re suffocating. There is expectations from you, your parents want you to do the best that you can and one way or another, they will always have an opinion. One day they will be proud and the next they might be disappointed.
Whenever you speak to a family member, they will without a doubt question you about your education. And it will often start by what do you want to become or what is your plan for the future and most of us won’t have the answer to that question because we’re not quite sure what it is that we want to do yet. And it’s not easy to figure it out because there is so many options and everyone has their opinion on what they see you as and you’re not even sure if you’re enjoying what you’re studying and all of a sudden, you feel like your life is a mess without any purpose.
When you’re not at work or at uni, there is plenty of other stuff to take care of. Like laundry, taking your car to a service, shopping, cooking, cleaning and all the other normal day activities.
Every single day you have to wake up and be strong. You have to go to uni and meet new people and work in groups and do assignments you’re not really sure how to do and spend hours with people you may not even know, or like, and your friends will probably be busy so you’ll most likely end up eating lunch alone, quickly, in a corner just so you can get back to studying.
It’s not easy being a teenager or a young adult. Over one night you go from being in high school and completely dependent on your parents to having to pay taxes and submitting your own assignments because no one chases after you anymore. So many days I wake up and it just feels like it’s too much. I feel lonely and alone. I feel exhausted. I feel lost. I feel stupid. I feel out of place. I feel unloved. I feel like there is no way my shoulders can carry the weight of all this pressure and stress and expectations. But there is nothing I can do except keep working hard and believe that it’ll all be okay in the end.
#spilled ink#spilled emotions#writer#student#teenage life#university life#hardship#adult life#love#friendships#hurdles#late night#poetry#wordporn#WordTherapy
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It’s one of those days, It’s one of those nights.
I feel exhausted. Every single bone in my body aches.
My mind so blank, yet so suffocated with thoughts and ideas and regrets and sadness and misery…
It feels like the day has lasted a century, one that just won’t end.
Everything makes me miserable and human contact, it irritates me.
I just want to be alone. I already feel so lonely, so I may as well just drown in my loneliness.
I want to cry and scream and shout and break things and yell and rip my heart out of my chest, so I stop feeling.
I just want to stop feeling.
It’s too much.
There is just too many feelings and emotions.
And there is no guide book. No one tells you what to do with them. How to handle them.
And I’m just tired of having to figure it out. I just want it to be simple. I just want it all to make sense and be fair.
I want things my way for a change. I want my day to go according to my plans and my emotions. I don’t want any surprises; I don’t want anybody to fuck it up. I don’t want people to tell me what to do. I don’t want to be nice to people.
I just want happiness. True, utter happiness. I want people to look at me and see a thousand shining stars in my eyes. I want my smile to light up their sky and make them jealous of just how happy I am.
…
It’s okay though, I’m sure tomorrow will be a new day.
#spilled ink#late night#quotes#sadnnes#writer#spilled poetry#poetry#spilled quotes#wordporn#WordTherapy#deep#heartbreak
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Everyone in this world is breathing borrowed air
Rachael Lippincott
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Happiness should never be invested in people. You should never rely on others to make you happy. Happiness should be outside of friendships, relationships, school, work and all of that. Happiness should be in the little things; things that are out of your control. Happiness should be found in beautiful sunsets, sunny days, good movies, cups of tea, food, animals and all the small things in the world. Happiness should be simple. Happiness should be found even in the hardest days of our lives.
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There once lived a boy. His smile shone brighter than the sun. His eyes shone like little stars, and they lit up my world.
His heart so pure, not a single bad cell in his soul.
He made my heart melt.
Never met someone so intelligent, never met someone so bright.
He was so simple, yet so complicated.
The most stubborn human in exitence.
He was clear as day, and loved by everyone.
And although I was terrified of heartbreak, I loved him.
Because when I really thought about it, I’d be honoured to have my heart broken by those hands.
So, I offered him my heart.
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Sometimes when I feel sad, when I feel lonely and lost and somewhat hopeless, I look up.
And there it is, shining ever so brightly. Smiling over at me.
And that’s when I know that I’m not alone; but safe.
Because the moon is always watching over me.
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That first night, when your lips touched mine for the first time, it just felt right. Something within my soul ignited, and it felt as though I was on fire. But it wasn’t a burning sensation, it was more of a tingly feeling. And it shoot right through my blood, all over my body, taking away all of my power and control; leaving me with nothing but your lips, pressed against mine; ever so slightly. I had never been kissed before. I had never lost control like that before. But you showed me how I wanted to be kissed. And I haven’t forgotten it; I mean how could I. And in that moment, it all made sense; how it never worked out with anyone else. Because no one could kiss me the way you do.
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I had the epiphany that laughter was light, and light was laughter, and that this was the secret of the universe
Donna Tartt
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Moonlit Lakes
There once lived a girl, a tea addict
She was a little on the quiet side
Loved long baths and scented candles
She lived her life trying to be a nicer person because she didn’t realise how nice she already was
She loved to just sit and take in the scenery
A great listener, made you feel heard
She was the mom friend, the one that texts you to ask if you’re okay or if you had a good day
Noticed things most people don’t
She always had a different perspective
Needed to let people help her a bit more
She was a ball of stress but was always trying her hardest
She could look you in the eyes with such warmth and love that you love yourself just a tad more too
She had the most beautiful eyes, when she smiled, the stars grew extra jealous
Because her eyes shone brighter than all of them
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As is a tale, so is life:
not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters
J.K. Rowling
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You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful
John Green
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One Wish
Everyone has a different idea of death and what happens after we die. But in reality, no one really knows. And I guess that’s why people are often scared of death, becomes it is unknown and it comes with uncertainty, and humans like being in control. But I guess we will all find out when the time comes.
And of course, like everyone else in the world, I have thought about death and how life will be like after it. And to be honest, I also, like others, don’t like the uncertainty that it comes with.
When I was little, I was fed this story that when you die, there is a hell and a heaven. And of course everyone knows that bad people go to hell and good people go to heaven. And so I was told that if I am a good person in this life and I don’t lie and don’t steal and don’t do bad things, I will go to heaven. So as a kid, I was always scared to do the wrong thing. And whenever I did something that didn’t feel entirely right, I feared that my fate was set and I would definitely go to hell. It wasn’t a pretty imagination. But I guess in a way it helped me be good and not do things that I wouldn’t feel good about.
Obviously, today that isn’t the case. And even though I strongly believe that there is no heaven and hell, I am not certain that there isn’t one. But that hasn’t stopped me from not trying to always do the right thing. I think regardless of what the afterlife consists of, everyone should always try and do the right thing.
Anyway, my grandmother always said that when you go to heaven (which was where I would be going according to her) I get to make wishes and live whatever life I want. Obviously that is what every human being dreams of.
Now when I thought about my wish, thinking it’d only be fair if I got the one, otherwise I’d be too spoiled, I struggled to come up with something good.
And believe it or not, even back then I didn’t want to wish for toys or money or whatever the common wish is. Because I think when you’re old enough, you learn that there is no guarantee that there will be a tomorrow. So I had to start thinking about my wish. And so I did.
…
I’m not sure when, or how, but one day, somehow, I came up with the greatest wish I could ask for when the day came. And to be honest, in my head, it sounded so good that I wanted to die already to get this wish. And I don’t think I was very young at this point.
And I didn’t share this wish with anyone. Not even my grandmother. Maybe because I was scared that someone would copy it or that maybe it wouldn’t come true. So I kept it to myself. But even then, I wasn’t sure if this truly was the one and only wish I’d ask for when I died. But at the time, it seemed good enough.
And now, years after, and I think I truly came up with the best wish. And here is is:
When I die, at which point I hope I have lived a long happy life and had a family of my own, I want to be able to watch my life from the very beginning as if it were a movie. I want to watch it from the very moment I was born to the very moment I die. But I don’t want to watch it from my perspective, I want to watch it from the perspective of a ghost that let’s say never left my side. I want to see how I grew up to be the person I was the moment I died. I want to know where I did the wrong thing in life and how I made people feel in certain times. I want to understand my life more than I ever did living it. I want to see the bigger picture. I want to see the times where I was clearly loved by others, I want to see when I was brave, when I was cruel and when I was sweet. I want to re-watch all of the great memories I have and feel the happiness once again. I want to feel my heart ache as I spent countless nights crying my eyes out for god knows what. I want to remember every single second of my life, I want to see how I was as a baby, I want to watch all of the memories that people tell me about but I was too young to remember.
You know when you are really truly happy and then you stop and think that in a few hours this will be over and you can never go back to this exact moment ever again, and your heart just sinks a little bit? I want to go back to all of those moments. I want to re-watch the first time I ever fell in love, my first kiss, when I get married, and god knows whatever great or disastrous things that await me.
It’s like going to a high point, top of a mountain, and instead of seeing life from a supermarket or a restaurant, seeing it from the top of a mountain, all of the city and its people. It makes you realise that life is so much bigger than the small things, not that they don’t matter. But it gives you a different perspective to look at life from. Somehow, everything has more meaning and you don’t feel as sad. That’s kind of how this idea came from.
Now I know it’s crazy to ask for this when I’m sure there is so many other things I could ask for in one wish, things that I could use or whatever. But honestly, the more I think about it, the more I want this wish. When I die, I just want to sit and watch the life I lived and make sense of it all, maybe even watch it from god’s perspective (or whoever is in charge of this life) to help explain why I got my heart broken by that person or why I got this job and not the other. I just want to know what is was all for.
What would you wish for?
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