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Saezuru Study Notes, Ch. 23

It's been a while since I've done one of these. Sorry, everyone. I'm so busy with work. I found some time and bandwidth to do one today, and I promise I will finish them even though it may take longer than anticipated.

Anyway, for anyone who's new to this blog, these study notes involve me collecting impressions, thoughts, and feelings on my second read of Saezuru. So, don't expect fully-fledged meta. For the record, I'm reading June's official English translation. You can find previous chapters under the "Saezuru Study Notes" tag.

CW typical of canon: sexual assault, child sexual assault, rape, talk of rape, violence, yakuza shit.

Oh, you should know I'll probably crop scenes in a weird way over the next few chapters because Tumblr will flag anything explicit.

1.The splash page features a grown-up Doumeki sitting next to high-school Yashiro. I always thought this was a throwback to Yashiro's high school thing (whatever it was) with Kage. I wrote a meta about how Kage's internalized homophobia, sexual inexperience, and clumsiness really fucked Yashiro up. Yashiro always believed he was only worthy of sexual violence, but for a minute, Kage represented the possibility of someone touching Yashiro without physically harming him.

We know Kage failed to save Yashiro from himself back then. Placing Doumeki next to high school Yashiro sets up a related question: Will Doumeki fail in the same way?

The answer is: Yes, he will fail, but not in the same way. And not through any fault of his own. Rather, by the time fate and Kage and Yashiro's own self-defense mechanisms are done with him, Yashiro can no longer accept affection and tenderness without everything crashing down around him. Don't forget, Yashiro initiated sex so he'd have a reason to toss Doumeki aside. There was no way Doumeki was going to be able save Yashiro from himself in these few chapters. Still, he's Doumeki, so we know he'll try. That's what Doumeki does. He saves people.

2. One of the toughest things for me to understand was Yashiro's little monologue in this chapter. He says he's pissed off:

I'm not sure I've totally figured it out, but I have more thoughts now than I did when I first read it.

After this scene, we get Yashiro reminiscing about Doumeki's hands and mouth all over him. He admits he wants Doumeki's touch and that he's tried to keep himself from wanting it so badly.

Now, already, we're in a bind. Because Yashiro's self-defense mechanisms entail him convincing himself that he only likes violent sex. Doumeki has never touched him with physical violence, but here he is, craving Doumeki. This goes against the strongest narrative Yashiro's written for himself: "I am a twisted hypersexual masochist, and I only like it when it's rough." He even told Doumeki he didn't want to sleep with him back in Ch. 2. He said, "You look like you'd like vanilla sex, so no, I don't want you to fuck me." (My paraphrase.) In this chapter, we see the narrative Yashiro's created for himself beginning to crack.

3. Yashiro struggles to figure out why he's pissed. He asks himself lots of questions. Is he scared of Doumeki? Is he upset because Doumeki lied about being his arms and legs? Because Doumeki doesn't want to have sex with him?

No, he thinks, it was before that.

Then he says the key thing:

He's worried about Doumeki being turned on by someone like him. "Someone like me," in Yashiro's brain, means someone twisted, incapable of having a real relationship, incapable of love, only worth being treated violently, not worthy of care or tenderness or affection.

Later on, when Doumeki compares himself to his father, Yashiro says, "No, you're pure. I'm the reason..." I think this bit of dialogue (in ch. 25, I think) is the key to figuring out why Yashiro's so mad in ch. 23. He's mad because Doumeki is pure, and someone so pure shouldn't be in love with someone like him. Yashiro's pissed because Doumeki's love wrecks his intentional distancing between himself and the people he cares about (Kage, Doumeki, his subordinates, even Misumi to some extent). Yashiro doesn't think much of himself, but he thinks a lot of those around him. If Doumeki is pure, then being in love with Yashiro can only taint him. And Yashiro's worked so hard to keep those around him from becoming tainted. Doumeki and his ill-timed love trample all over Yashiro's careful work.

This is another pillar of Yashiro's self-defense mechanisms. He devalues himself, so when people in the cruel world he inhabits disappoint him, he isn't caught unawares. It makes sense: No one has ever taken care of Yashiro, not even his own mother. Logically, it follows that he is not worth caring for. If someone does care about him, they're either romanticizing him or they're twisted like he is. If someone cares for him, it hurts like hell, because it means his stepfather's abuse meant something, even though Yashiro swears it meant nothing. Abuse is the opposite of care, after all. So if it's possible for Yashiro to be cared for, then he has to recognize abuse as abuse.

It's so much harder to come to terms with being abused by people you trust than it is to simply assume you're worthless. Maybe it's easier to blame yourself than it is to accept that the world is random and cruel and it's not your fault but it's awful all the same. The mechanisms of internalization are hard for me to articulate, but I know from years of therapy that it's quite common for survivors of abuse do internalize these sorts of thoughts. Yashiro is a typical survivor with respect to his self-defense mechanisms.

But now we've lost two major pillars of Yashiro's self-defense system. It only gets worse from here.

4. Doumeki confesses to Yashiro. "I respect you. I want to be by your side forever," he says.

If Yashiro thinks he's unlovable and Doumeki claims to love him, there's no way Yashiro's going to believe him. So we're not surprised when Yashiro doesn't. Even after the timeskip, when Yashiro discusses how Doumeki left Shinseikai to Tsunakawa, he talks about baby bird Doumeki imprinting on him. He doesn't assume Doumeki loves him.

I'm hoping he'll start seeing Doumeki's feelings clearly in the new chapter, but I wouldn't be surprised if it still takes a while for this truth to sink into Yashiro's beautiful head.

5. Doumeki knows confessing isn't going to end well. His confession in this chapter is one of the most gut-wrenching scenes in the whole series for me. He apologizes for falling in love.

I think Doumeki already knows that no matter what happens between them, Yashiro's going to leave. But he's hoping that by refusing to have sex, by maintaining the distance he knows Yashiro needs, Yashiro will see how Doumeki can control himself. Maybe this will be enough for Yashiro to keep Doumeki at his side.

6. Of course, Yashiro already made his mind up in the last chapter. The second he learned Doumeki was no longer impotent, it was over for them. This seems like another reason Yashiro is so angry in this chapter; he knows he will have to give Doumeki up. He's angry at the situation. We've all been there.

We know from previous chapters Yashiro has some sadistic tendencies. Boy, does he put those to breathtakingly cruel use here. He gets on top of Doumeki and queues up one of his mean little tirades. He's so mad about everything and he wants to hurt Doumeki.

So he hurts Doumeki:

The official translation is less clear about Yashiro comparing Doumeki to his father, but that's exactly what he means when he says, "You'd rather pin me down." Given how Doumeki has pinned him down, this is an especially effective accusation.

Look at the series of expressions on Doumeki's face after Yashiro says this. The first expression almost looks like shock. This makes sense to me. Doumeki thinks Yashiro is kind, beautiful, and strong. But Yashiro just said something incredibly cruel. In ch. 1, Yashiro told Doumeki his guilt was misplaced, implying he shouldn't feel guilty for what his father did. And now Yashiro is making a direct comparison between Doumeki and his father? No surprise to me that Doumeki's expression turns from shock to hurt in the third panel. It's the final panel that hurts the most, though. There, Doumeki almost looks resigned, like he can do nothing but accept Yashiro's accusation.

This resigned acceptance makes sense too. Doumeki spent every sexual interaction unable to control himself and crossing Yashiro's boundaries. Yes, this is dubcon. And this is why recognizing it as dubcon matters - because the dubcon is directly relevant to Doumeki imagining that he's just like his father. In his mind, his runaway attraction to Yashiro isn't different from his father raping Aoi. Both are about lack of self-control.

I've said before that neither Doumeki nor Yashiro have healthy ideas of consent because they were both assaulted as children and never had healthy sexual development. Doumeki correlates his runaway desire with his father raping Aoi. He doesn't understand that rape is about power, not desire. This doesn't excuse the dubcon, of course. But it does nuance what's going on with Doumeki and why this nasty little barb from Yashiro hurts him so much. He thinks Yashiro's right; he is just like his father.

No wonder he goes soft right after this scene. There's nothing sexy about it, even if Yashiro's grinding on top of him.

7. Yashiro in the shower with all his clothes on is a full dissociative episode. The symptoms are classic: disorientation, feeling disembodied from your body and emotions, lack of situational awareness, generalized confusion or forgetfulness, memory loss. Yashiro exhibits all these standard symptoms. Some of you may know dissociative episodes happen in response to trauma triggers; they're your brain protecting you from being thrown back into bad memories and sensations by separating your mind from the real-world trigger.

As I said above, Yashiro's conversation with Doumeki shatters Yashiro's self-defense mechanisms. All of the trauma Yashiro's been keeping pressed down through his self-defense mechanisms is surfacing now, and it very predictably results in a dissociative episode.

This is why he thinks about his stepfather while they're having sex, why he begs for harder and faster, why he feels like throwing up, why he cries, and ultimately, why he runs. Doumeki doesn't realize it yet, and maybe Yashiro doesn't fully get it either, but Yashiro's brain is screaming, "Danger! Danger! Danger!" the whole time.

Underneath all the trauma response, however, I do see a part Yashiro who returns Doumeki's love, and who's probably had feelings for Doumeki this whole time. I, for one, will never forget how he stole a kiss from cosplay cop!Doumeki way back in ch. 2 (I think).

8. The sex in the following chapters doesn't really make my heart swell, but you know what does? Doumeki rushing into the shower after Yashiro, even though he knows he's probably about to be tossed aside. This man. What a gem.

9. Yashiro doesn't quite confess in this chapter, but what he says is huge for him. He admits he should have let Doumeki go from the beginning, but he couldn't. I think at first, Yashiro's attraction enticed him to play these cat-and-mouse games with an impotent (or so he thought) Doumeki. But then, it got serious:

Doumeki almost died. This adds fresh urgency to Yashiro's need to get Doumeki away from him. Because if Doumeki dies, it really will destroy Yashiro. This is as much of a confession as Yashiro's capable of right now.

I think it's easy for us readers to get all frustrated and think, Just give it a try, Yashiro. Get over your fears. He loves you so much. But you have to remember, Yashiro's probably never felt anything that compares to what he's feeling right now. This is why he's so fucked up. He's never had anyone to lose, not like this. Not even Kage comes close; Yashiro made himself an "observer" with Kage. With Doumeki, he's in too deep. He already cares too much - so much it could destroy him.

It's easier to have nothing to lose than everything to lose, especially if you live in a world that relentlessly takes from you.

10. I love the way Doumeki holds Yashiro in this chapter. I wonder how many people have ever held Yashiro like this - like he matters, like he's deserving of comfort.

11. The way Doumeki's crying as they kiss is something else that gets me with each read. He wants so badly to demonstrate his love for Yashiro, to show Yashiro how deserving and worthy he is. Doumeki's desire always gets away from him, we know. But this kiss doesn't look like simple desire to me; it looks like love. Sensei's so brilliant at conveying the most minute nuances of feeling with how she draws their expressions. Such artistry.

Yashiro knows it's love too - if this kiss were simply desire and nothing more, Yashiro wouldn't have said, "Don't." He'd have been sucking Doumeki's dick like he did back in ch. 1. This is so much more than desire or sexual gratification.

We end the chapter with such a devastating kiss. On my first read, it felt more satisfying, like a culmination of their feelings. At the very least, it felt like a physical confession even though Yashiro didn't verbally confess.

On this read, however, it feels sad to me. It reads like a goodbye. Both of them know how this is going to end and neither can walk away or stop it before it goes too far.

If Doumeki walks away now, with Yashiro in this vulnerable state, then Doumeki only reinforces all those ideas Yashiro has in his pretty little head about being unworthy of love. Doumeki can't make himself leave like that. Unlike Yashiro, he's not cruel. His only move is trying to turn the tables: Using tenderness to make both of their feelings clear and hoping this is enough for Yashiro to stay.

For his part, Yashiro has never been able to keep Doumeki at a safe distance. He refuses Doumeki, but he doesn't get up and leave. We know Doumeki would let him. So, my guess is that simply walking away was too hard for Yashiro as well. Imagine thinking you're unworthy and unlovable for thirty-six years, and all of the sudden, someone says they love you. Imagine believing you could never have a real relationship, that you deserved nothing more than violence, and then, someone holds you and kisses you like this. Yashiro may think he's unworthy and unlovable, but even the most self-disciplined person in the world would want to know what it's like, if only for a night, to have the love they thought was impossible. Yashiro knows he can't keep Doumeki because it's too dangerous for both of them. But how can he walk away when he's been given this gift he never thought he'd receive?

Even those of us who know we're not queens would like to wear a crown for a few minutes, to feel what it's like. Even devils reach for grace, they say. And we can argue about whether it's better to not know what it feels like if it's going to end anyway. But given the choice, it'd be hard for anyone to walk away. I think this is why Yashiro can't bring himself to get up, even though he says "No," and even though he truly believes he's unlovable and unworthy.

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