professional-picky-eater

[professional-picky-eater]

Me after every meal ever

[professional-picky-eater]

#he’s going to be so disappointed #but also I legally need to lie and say I did so insurance let’s me stay not just in php but treatment in general 😀

[professional-picky-eater]

at this point it’s just a competition with myself to see how specific I can make these

[professional-picky-eater]

yeah 😀

#how do i even tag this #php memes

[professional-picky-eater]

surprise, y’all

#anyway I finally went to residential and they were like “’you don’t have arfid’ and I was like ‘oh shit you’re right lmao’ #even if I do I think it’s primarily more osfed bc there was a crap ton of arfid shit I did not relate to #anyway hope y’all don’t unfollow me LMAO

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#I think i’ve reached peak niche with this one

[professional-picky-eater]

okay but if I bring already opened shampoo what are they going to do, not let me wash my hair? bestie the container is clear you can see it’s fine like why the hell am I buying a whole new bottle of lotion for this eczema lotion is expensive as hell anyway

*also*,, why the h*ck is the list of what not to bring so vague like can I bring eyeliner or not let me have this one thing, kathy

and where the hell am I supposed to find an alarm clock i’ll never use again on such short notice do y’all not have a trumpet?

also also how would someone even know if deodorant is unopened it’s not like they’re sold in shrink wrap

lastly I don’t have any family/friend/pet photos so instead can I bring my photo of alyssa edwards saying girl look how stunning you fucking look girl or no

#I leave in like 1-2 weeks max and i’m actually losing it

[professional-picky-eater]

anyway so the rtc that i’m going to actually isn’t ed specific and I can’t tell if that makes me feel better or worse,,

I literally leave in like a week or two,, 🤠

[professional-picky-eater]

this blog is just like my diary in the form of memes at this point

#ed recovery #ed memes

[professional-picky-eater]

what by brain feels like after doing this intake:

literally so confused and overwhelmed !! 🤠

bestie was like “well you can get more labs done or you can call the hospital and ask for a copy of the ones you got done in april or you can fill out a release and we’ll do it but also we need the labs before we can give you an official recommendation but the labs might take like a month to get to us :)”

at this point I should might as well wait for cfd which keeps telling me the waitlist is 6-8 weeks which is so ??? because i’ve *literally* been told this Every Single Time since the end of may and i’m not trying to get labs down twice because cfd wants me to wait for labs so i’m having a very good time right now currently in this moment

like my health is so yikes that I really afford to get labs done more than once so I need to know what the recommendation is so I get it done but they need my labs in order to make the recommendation :)

#vent hours #I don’t even know what to tag this as #I Deadass™ did not think it would be this complicated #I honestly thought I was going to do one (1) intake’ labs’ sign some releases and then be put on a waitlist what the hell is this #i’m like 99% sure those old labs aren’t even valid bc I drank hella powerade before them so my electrolytes probably looked amazing 😩

[professional-picky-eater]

doing intakes everywhere it feels like i’m applying to college

[professional-picky-eater]

new age version of “i’m telling my mom on you” is “i’m telling my dietitian”

           (\__/)

   ⠀  (•ㅅ•)         my dietitian reaching out

　＿ノ ヽ ノ＼ __    to her contact at cfd

/　`/ ⌒Ｙ⌒ Ｙ　ヽ    to tell them I need res

( 　(三ヽ人　 /　　 |

|　ﾉ⌒＼ ￣￣ヽ　 ノ   

ヽ＿＿＿＞､＿＿_／

　　 ｜( 王 ﾉ〈 (\__/)

　　 /ﾐ`ー―彡\ (•ㅅ•)   me

#the spacing makes it look so ugly 😩 #but you get the point #when you pit your treatment team against each other 😎 #no this is not fun I just need humor to cope or i'll fall apart

[professional-picky-eater]

I will now be fighting (redacted) for suggesting I try php first before residential actually eat my entire ass

like i’m just so ???? bc like hasn’t my therapist been in direct contact with you so you’d know this is the level of care I need? like do the opinions of both my therapist and dietitian mean nothing now?

i’m just so,, annoyed like y’all were completely on board with me going but never until now bothered to ask if i’ve done iop/php before and why does it suddenly matter now at the level i’m at now I don’t think it really matters if i’ve done other types of treatment before.

like we were literally just talking about all the work I needed to get done and how much this would cost and suddenly I can’t because I haven’t tried lower level treatment before.

anyway I don’t even have a way to get to php and everyone agreed that virtual php wouldn’t do anything for me so,, this is fun

#does this even make sense I can’t think straight

[professional-picky-eater]

#arfid meme #arfid #okay so i’ve officially made the choice that I am 100% going into RT and i’m so afraid !! #but I keep thinking about how much closer i’ll get to being able to do all the things I miss and i’m v excited about that #so do I get like a packing list like it’s summer camp or do I just have to guess

[professional-picky-eater]

the way I have literally no idea what i’m supposed to bring to residential

I have like 5 shirts is that enough lmao and I rotate between two (2) pairs of shorts they’re going to have me doing laundry every day

(also if anyone has done res at CFD can I bring my phone)

#bruh I don't think I even have six hours of therapy a day in me what the hell do you say after hour two #like I know its split up and its different types of therapy but girl I don't think I even have that much to say #going to be up in the session like im good how are you #fuck it finding love at residential LMAO

[professional-picky-eater]

when I finish a meal but forget to take a picture for the meal log on recovery records

#arfid #arfid meme #I swear this happens every single day #I end up taking a picture of one meal and it always ends up being the one I forget to log

[professional-picky-eater]

(post therapy session vent + self frustration)

6/10

does it ever get better? do you ever stop being afraid? how do you stop feeling out of control?

I can eat a lot of things if I mentally prepare myself but how do I stop feeling so scared? I hate that I don’t have a timeline on when i’ll get better and it’s basically just “you have to figure out your hunger/fullness cues”. i’m so tired and I wish there was a concrete formula to follow that would ensure I wouldn’t be afraid anymore. i’m just really tired and i’m tired of constantly pushing against all my anxiety and fear. I really want a break. when do I stop being scared? when does it start to feel like it’s all coming to me naturally? I feel like i’m constantly being told “we just have to work at it” but I don’t even know what that means. I hate feeling like i’m still alone even though I have professionals working together to help me. like no one quite gets it. i’m afraid of eating and feel like it’s taken over my life. that’s where I want the help.

I need structure in order to function yet that same structure makes me feel like I can’t do anything. like it’s too tight around me and I don’t have any wiggle room. instead of “I have to eat at 4” I wish it was “you should eat between 4 and 6”. but I know that doesn’t mean anything if i’m already hungry at 4 and I can’t wait until I want to, if that makes sense. I just feel so disconnected from my body I don’t know how not to be mad at it when I get hungry.

I just hate feeling like I can’t be fixed. like i’m going to feel this strange forever. I hate that I want someone to enable me and tell me that continuing my unhealthy habits are okay because constantly trying is so hard. I just want to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing for a whole week. no anxiety, no thoughts, no responsibility. or do the opposite where for a whole week I get to have the energy I used to. I just don’t want it to hurt anymore.

#tw vent #arfid #things are just very hard right now and I don’t quite know how to get out of it #I just told my therapist that I keep looking for someone to finally tell me i’ve done enough work and can stop eating #it just hurts so much knowing I have to keep doing this no matter how much I ate the day before #it wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t hurt so much to do so