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puffpasstea · 1 year

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A/N: Part 1 of this request is below! Enjoy and please let me know what you think/ what you wanna see next!

warnings: angst.

——

The sound of my phone vibrating against the surface of the coffee table interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to the room. I leaned forward to peak at the caller ID. MITCH ROWLAND flashed across the screen. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if taking this call is the best idea right now. I cleared my throat and wiped my tear and makeup stained face with the sleeve of my sweater.

“H-hello?” My voice still sounded hoarse despite my best efforts.

“Hi Alice. How’s it going?” Mitch’s signature smooth voice sounded from the other end of the line. He was making pleasant small talk but it was difficult for me to focus as my mind wandered to why he might be calling or what Harry might have told him. “Sorry to call so late.” It hadn’t occurred to me that it was late. I didn’t realize how much time had gone by since Harry had stormed out of here hours ago. “Just wanted to let you know that, umm, Harry’s alright. And he’s, uhh- here. With me. With us.”

Mitch paused for a moment, as if waiting for me to respond to the information. He spoke again when I said nothing “He- he didn’t say anything. About what’s going on, I mean. All I got is that you guys are fighting, and, umm, that he hasn’t told you where he is, so- anyway, I just thought you might want to know he’s safe.” Another pause. I still remained quiet. At a loss. “Seemed like he’d been drinking, so, he’ll stay the night here.”

“Th-thanks for letting me know, Mitch.” I mustered, sounding hollow and cold.

“Of course.”

I heard some faint whispering behind him. Someone next to him was saying something that I couldn’t quite make out and then Mitch informed me that Sarah wanted to speak to me.

“Hey, Alice!” She chirped, her usual cheerful smile clear in her voice. “Just wanted to check in. Make sure you’re alright. If you don’t feel like being alone in that big house tonight, I can come over?”

That was generous of her to offer, but not surprising. Mitch and Sarah had embraced and welcomed me into their lives unreservedly. Though i doubt that my appreciation has always been clear - I still struggled to accept kindness- it really did mean a lot to me that Harry’s friends took me in. And, in this moment, it was also a relief to know that I could still count on them, even when Harry and I weren’t on good terms.

“It’s okay.” I squeaked, clearing my throat and trying to sound calm. “I think I’m just gonna go to bed actually. But thanks for calling, Sarah. Really.”

“Of course! I’m just a call away if you change your mind, okay?”

***

What I’d told Sarah was the truth. I’d fully intended on going straight to sleep. But, as I lay there, in the bed that Harry and I shared, his side of the mattress cold and empty, remnants of his scent flooding my senses every time I turned too close to his pillow, sleep eluded me. Harry and I had fought before, but not like this. The things we’d said to each other, the frustrations that we’d revealed, it all seemed much bigger than the two of us. Everything seemed so impossible. We’d hit a wall. Talked in circles. Neither one of us knowing how to move closer to other other. As overwhelming as it all felt, I should’ve seen this coming. The past few months have been rocky for us. We’d tried to power through it, sweep things under the rug, move on from any bumps in the road as quickly as possible in the name of letting go, or making allowances for one another’s imperfections. Whether it’s denial or cowardice, I didn’t want to admit to myself, much less to him, that deep down, my gut was telling me something wasn’t right with us. And if I felt that way, I’m sure he must have felt it too. I wished I could go back to when it all first started, to the first inkling that we weren’t doing well, and fix it right away. Not let it get this bad. It was too late now. We were too far down this spiral.

I tried to go back, in my mind, to better memories. Seek comfort in the good times that we’d had. Tell myself that this was just a setback. That we’d bounce right back and find our way to each other again. But, as I thought about the tender moments of our relationship, about all the good times, and the hard times, that we’d been through; about the Harry that I first fell in love with, it all seemed like a distant past. We’re not these people anymore. I could no longer recognize the Harry who’d held me through the hardest nights, whose simple touch communicated the love that he didn’t need to say, but he’d say it anyway. The man who’d bring me flowers just because, or little presents from all around the world because he’d seen something somewhere and it reminded him of me, the person who always seemed to be listening to my wildest, most ridiculous thoughts, and always seemed to remember even the most insignificant details about me- even the silly fleeting things that I’d forgotten ever sharing with him. The Harry that I once knew was brave, open, vulnerable. His instinct was to connect in the face of difficulty. He’d never shut me out, he’d never hold resentment in his heart, not even for a second. That Harry seemed long gone. The person who’d walked out of our home earlier, well, he was someone else. Someone I don’t think I know at all. We’d changed too much, too fast, without either one of us noticing. Our history felt like just that: history. How’d we get here? I missed him. But only the real him. I didn’t want the version of him that had been so unforgiving these past few week. I was glad that guy wasn’t here tonight. If I had to fall asleep right next to him and feel so cold and alone for one more night, I think I’d have lost my mind.

Feeling the ache in my chest burn again, I reached over across the bed and grabbed his pillow, hugging it to my body and inhaling his lingering scent to feel him around me. My tear stains on his pillowcase alarmed me. I worried they’d erase him. Take over his presence. I worried I’d have nothing left of him if I wasn’t careful to preserve it, so I quickly let go and turned to the other side, hating myself. Hating that I even felt this way. That he had that kind of power over me. That his love had so consumed every fiber of my being to the point where I felt dysfunctional without him.

***

I squinted as the sunlight hit my eyes and brought my arms to wrap over my chest in the chili winter air. A faint smile threatened to run across my face as I watched two dogs and their owners play around the park.

“Hiya!” Sarah sprinted towards me, pushing her kid in a stroller in front of her.

I forced myself to smile politely at her, and I got up off the bench to help carry some of her stuff. She’d brought up coffee and breakfast. She was nothing if not a thoughtful friend.

“There’s some sugar packets in the bag if you want.” She settled herself right next to me on the bench as I reached into the strolled to pick up her baby and carry him into my lap.

“Hiii little buddy. Are you having a nice morning?” I gave him a kiss on his soft cheek.

Sarah giggled at my baby voice as she sipped on her coffee. “So, it’s been a few days. How’ve you been?”

Her question seemed innocent enough, but I knew it was loaded with intention.

“I’m alright.” I said simply, looking off into the distance, avoiding her scrutinizing gaze.

“Yeah?” I could sense her studying my face closely.

We’d milked every safe subject for all it’s possibilities until we finally ran out of things to talk about. I was caught up on all the band gossip, future plans, Mitch’s home renovation projects that he had no attention span to follow through on. I told her about my students, my ideas for the next semester. The conversation fell into a lull. We made little observations about her baby boy’s fascination with the dogs and trees and passersby in between silences. Until Sarah broke the unspoken rule and addressed the elephant in the room. “Harry’s hanging in there, by the way.” She simply blurted out.

“I didn’t ask.”

She pretended not to hear me. “Wouldn’t say he’s doing too well though. He mostly just sleeps all day. Locked himself in our guest bedroom. Don’t think he’s showered since he came to stay with us. Starting to smell a bit.”

“Sarah, I know what you’re doin-“

“He misses you, Alice.”

“What, he told you that?” My response came I hurt sharper than I’d intended. There was no need to snap at her. It wasn’t Sarah’s fault Harry and I were in a bad place.

“He doesn’t need to, Alice. He loves you. You know he does.”

“Not so sure about that anymore…”

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous! You two are- well, you’re his Matilda. He writes songs about you!”

“He also writes songs about fruits and orgasms and blow jobs.”

Sarah simply rolled her eyes, refusing to acknowledge my response with words.

“The fruits are metaphors and you know it.” She tried again after a moment of silence. “I mean, you’re the literary scholar.”

I stared forward, sipping my coffee aggressively.

“He strums his guitar in the middle of the night sometimes. I think it’s because he can’t sleep.”

“Sarah-“

“He’s also been drinking a lot the past couple of days. Crying too. I think he doesn’t know Mitch and I can hear him sometimes. But, we get up with the baby, and-“

“I’m sorry he’s such a lousy house guest, I really am. But, I’m sure if you talked to him about it, he’d cut it out.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. Alice, whatever’s going on between you two, it’s hurting him just as much as I’m sure it’s hurting you.”

I felt tears stinging my eyes at her words. I leaned forward and put the baby back in his stroller. I didn’t want him to see or feel the emotions that were quickly rising to the surface of my body. The images of Harry that Sarah’s story conjured up in my mind broke my heart to pieces. Of course it hurt to think about him like that. I hated the idea that he was in pain, even worse, that I was the reason for his pain. But I couldn’t help but think that we wouldn’t be here right now if he’d acted differently, if he hadn’t hurt me. If there were any room at all for us to be on the same page again.

“Babe, I’m not saying any of this to hurt you.” Sarah’s voice was soft, concern itched into her face. She’d noticed the silent tears that I’d been trying to avoid. She wrapped and arm around my shoulders, pulling me towards her. “I- I was just trying to say… maybe talk to him?”

I sniffled and wiped my tears with the back of my hand harshly, shaking my head. “He’ll, umm, he’ll be fine eventually. He’ll get over it.”

Sarah was speechless. She simply sighed, leaning her head against my shoulder and rubbing my back. We stayed like that for several minutes as I occasionally blinked away a few stray tears and tried to calm down. Just as I felt myself able to breathe again, something flashed across my sight. In the glare of the sunlight, I thought I saw someone.

I’d recognize his gait, his walk, the ragged black hoodie and his sweatpants anywhere. I could feel Harry’s presence encroaching as he made his way across the field. Instantly, my blood ran cold.

“Unbelievable.” I muttered, pushing Sarah off of me.

“What?” She seemed taken aback and confused by my sudden stiffness. “What’s wrong, Alice? What?”

“You invited him here??!”

“Who? Invited who?” Sarah’s eyes followed my own, she turned her head to see what I was looking at.

“Him!” My heartbeat drummed inside my chest, I could practically hear it in my ears as Harry got closer.

“I- I swear I didn’t! He wasn’t even awake when I left this morning. Alice, I promise!”

Well, he was here now.

As he closed the distance between us, I could see him clearly now. His chipped nail polish, the rings missing from his fingers, the dark circles under his eyes, his hair a disheveled mess. The closer he got, the harder it got to breathe. I was suffocating from the inside out, my lungs felt like they were running out of air.

He’d finally reached our park bench, taking a quick glance at me and then looking down at his feet.

“H-“ he attempted to speak but his voice sounded broken. He cleared his throat and tried again. “H-hello.” His eyes still downcast.

“Harry- what are you- how’d you find us?” Sarah spoke quickly, clearly as surprised by his sudden appearance as I was.

“Umm, well, Mitch said you’d gone to see Alice, and, I knew since you took the baby-“

“Fuckin Mitch.” Sarah mumbled. She turned to me, “Alice, I’m so sorry.”

I wanted to respond. To tell her that it wasn’t her fault, but I felt paralyzed from my head to my toes. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Harry. He looked so broken, a hollow shell of the man I knew him to be. My first instinct was to want to hug him tightly against me. But I worried that if I got my hands on him I might also want to kick his ass. I was so angry, so hurt, but I’d missed him so much that seeing him felt good as well.

Harry, on the other hand, seemed to be avoiding my sight like the plague. He made absolutely sure to look in every direction but mine.

I swallowed, but my throat was dry. “Why- why’d you come here, Harry?” I finally broke the silence.

“I- well, I miss-“ he attempted to look at me as he spoke but the moment our eyes met, he went silent. Looking away again, “could we….talk?”

Sarah subtly nudged me, but I made no reply.

“W-walk with me? Please, Alice?” Hearing my name from his lips broke my resolve. I stood up and reluctantly went to walk beside him.

Harry made an attempt to reach for my hand, but I quickly moved to cross my arms over my chest.

“S-sorry. Umm. We’ll just walk.” He mumbled, kicking a small rock in front of him.

“You smell like a distillery. Jesus, Harry, it’s barely even 10 in the morning.”

“Yeah…”

***

We walked around the park in circles for a while. Our attempts at talking things out seemed similarly cyclical. Nothing had changed. He was stubbornly unwilling to admit to his part in any of this, insisting that I just don’t get it. That I keep doubting his affection for me. That I need to just move past things. And I was growing increasingly frustrated by his inability to understand where I was coming from, why I believe he’d changed, and I was baffled that he doesn’t see how different things are between us now. When Sarah walked up to us to check in about a half hour later, we were standing opposite one another. Harry, once again, refusing to look into my eyes as tears fell from his eyes onto his shoes. Me, yet again, unable to tear my gaze away from his shrinking face.

“S-so, what now?” He mumbled.

“Guess, I’ll pack my stuff in the next couple of days.” I spoke, tears now running down my face too.

“Alice-“ his voice a mere whisper. “I love you.”

“I’ll text you when I’m out so you can come home. Just g-give me time to find somewhere to stay. Okay?”

I felt Sarah’s mouth move, as if to say something. But she was stunned into silence.

“It’s your home too. Our home. Stay, Alice. We can-“

“I love you too, Harry. But I don’t think there’s a ‘we’ anymore.” I said, sobbing into my hands. We stood there for a while. Neither one of us wanting to be the first one to walk away.

Finally, I reached over and pulled him into a tight hug. Harry’s arms instantly wrapped around me, squeezing me impossibly closer to him until we were chest to chest, no room for even a breath in either of us. I inhaled as best I could, taking as much of him in as possible, my fingers in his hair, my face buried into his neck. I couldn’t help myself, I locked my lips to his. A final kiss goodbye.

As our lips touched, Harry’s tears fell again, staining both our faces. He slumped against me, leaning his whole body weight against mine. I held him for a moment, and for that moment, I considered just taking back everything I’d said, throwing away and erasing everything that had got us here, and just going back home with his arms in mine. It would be so much better and easier if we could just decide to go back to the way things were. But it was this kind of thinking that had got us here in the first place. Simply ignoring our differences whenever they came up, until they were too big and too difficult to magically disappear.

“Take care of yourself, Harry.” I said, untangling my body from him and feeling his iron grip on me stubbornly refusing to loosen.

I hated that he was doing this. I hated that he was making me be the one to walk away, but I knew that if I didn’t, we’d stay frozen in that moment forever.

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