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John Mulaney for Esquire, 2019

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I am a peddler of chubby cat pics

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I was working with a seagull and I said “as someone in Wildlife I know I should never anthropomorphize animals or hold them to any human moral standard, but seagulls are capable of and regularly knowingly commit evil” and the vet tech with me said “no yeah that’s true.”

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“i can leave the door open while i’m cleaning my bathroom,” i reasoned to myself. “surely my beloved cat, Meatball, isn’t dumb enough to try and jump into an open toilet full of Clorox”

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today in “things i’m disproportionately emotional about”:

it’s facial reconstructions of prehistoric humans!!

like, look at this part-homo sapiens, part-neandertal man from well over 30,000 years ago:

doesn’t he just look like a dude you’d wanna hang out with? like he probably washes dishes in the kitchen with you, and has excellent weed

what a charming fellow. what stories he probably has to tell. i’d definitely go shoot the shit with him on Contemplation Rock after i’d finished my day’s work carving a bone flute for the autumn hunting ceremony, or whatever

people have been people ever since people first became people, i tell you what

they all had lives and histories and families and friends and dumb gossip and games they played and total bullshit in which they believed wholeheartedly

they all argued about the nature of the world, and of themselves

they all sang songs

they all drew pictures

they all buried their dead in graves, and they buried their dead in graves well before they did a lot of that other stuff. they buried their dead with flowers, with panther claws, with the bones of animals they’d killed, with the bones of family members who had died at the same time or earlier. they buried their dead with their arms folded across their chests

they fell in love

they took care of their old and their sick and their disabled, even when it cost them

they made new things, and worried about what the new things meant for people everywhere, as a whole

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Overheard on Campus:

A tall muscular undergrad walking purposely toward the English building, talking on the phone in a loud, assertive voice: I’m gunna kill it!  I’m prepared! I’m confident! I’m ready! I believe in myself! After a moment of silence, in a much quieter voice:  Yeah, thanks, mom. That helped. I’ll call you after and let you know how it goes. Love you.

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*refuses to explain what’s wrong because my cat understands me with no words so you should too*

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old ships you forgot you loved that come back and just punch you right in the face

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Jinx, my cat: *dangaling inside a bag that is hooked to the door*

INTP: “How’s it hanging?”

Jinx: *I will kill you*

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me: goodnight moon :)

moon: should’ve been saying goodnight 5 hours ago its 4am asshole get your life together

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Scandal. At 16.

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I paid my rent and u expect me to leave my house

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two ghosts, chilling in a hot tub, 5 feet apart cause they’re not who they used to be

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