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pursuitofadreamworld · 28 days

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I am awful at trying to write out my feelings, but hey, lets give it a go :)

So lets go on a little journey through time.

This is Christopher, I met him in 2015 through a mutual friend. We quickly bonded over our love of creativity and just simply the freedom of it all. After our first meeting and getting on so well, we decided to meet up again to do a photo shoot.

It's hard not to just love everything about this guy, he is so incredibly talented, in that free spirit kind of way. He has a magic way of bringing out the best in you, making you believe that maybe you're worth something to this world. He is a rare find, for sure.

Our shoots together almost felt easy, we were a team from the start and I forever looked forward to those moments.

At the time of meeting him I didn't really use social media, only a facebook account for family and friends. I had a collection of photography that I had captured over time and only really shared with that facebook account. I remember Chris shocked at me and telling me that my photography deserved to be shared with the world. Nobody had ever said that to me before...

He is a huge part of why I continued photography, his words had an impact.

I didn't even have a phone with internet... Bit of a dinosaur, I know!

That evening I went out and got a new phone, I even got myself on instagram and twitter! A bit late to the game, I really didn't know what to do.

My dream for years had always been to shoot with established model, Anthony Kaye. I'd always watched him throughout the years on runways, tv and magazines. Not knowing what to do on twitter, my friend told me to reach out to him, nervously I did. I sent a photo I had took of him at the clothes show, that was when my life changed.

I've always lacked confidence, I doubt myself over and over and when I'm done with that, I doubt myself a bit more. Anthony messaged me back, he wanted to meet in London and wanted me to pitch him an idea for a shoot. I honestly thought it was a joke, he wouldn't want a shoot with me, really...me?! Long story short, I went to London, he loved the idea, we did the shoot. One of the happiest days of my life... so I thought.

The whole day was a dream, I was elated!

At the end of the shoot, things are calming down and I felt so accomplished, a feeling that was pretty new to me. We all started to chill out when I got a phone call from my sister.

My mom had been poorly for a few months, going for tests for things like gall stones, kidney stones and IBS. I knew as soon as the phone started ringing that something was wrong, that gut feeling that overwhelms you. I answered, my sister tells me 'they think mom has cancer.'

Well, kids, the universe has a wonderful way of bringing you back down to reality. The day quickly became a blur and all I could think of was 'why mom?'

My mom was a beautiful person, an incredibly selfless, loving woman. June 2015 she was diagnosed with cancer. The following day from being diagnosed she was rushed into surgery, removing part of her bowels and her ovary. I have never felt as helpless as I did that day. They told us that if she became strong enough they would start chemo in the September.

We were such a close family, I had a wonderful upbringing filled with love.

Over the next few months my photography really started to take off, I got to do work I had only dreamed of, I got to meet people I never thought I would. It was this strange balancing act of such happiness and such heart break.

In the November I had 2 really important shoots in London, but my mom had got so much weaker and the thought of leaving her just hurt my heart so bad. I remember sitting with her on the hospital bed telling her I wouldn't go, that maybe I could postpone it to some time in the future. She began crying and telling me that she would probably be on her death bed but she would wait for me to come back because she wanted to see the photos. I really, REALLY didn't want to leave her. My sister and dad promised me if she took a turn for the worst they would call me and I'd get the next train home.

The 15th of November I left for the shoots, they both went great, I would text my mom constantly, send her updates, but the messages started getting less from her. I don't think I was ever prepared for what was going to happen.

The moment I got home (the 18th of November) I rushed to edit as many as possible so I could show her that evening during visiting time. As I got to the hospital my entire extended family was there. I walked into the ward to see my mom incredibly frail, her hands blue and cold. I hugged her really tight but I was scared to hurt her. The first thing she asked was 'Can I see the photos?'

She was so proud of me but it all felt bittersweet. At 8pm, when visiting time was over, we hugged, her last words to me 'I love you, I love you so much' I told her I loved her so much too and left. As I got home I didn't take my shoes or coat off, I just sat on my chair and waited as if I already knew. 10.30pm we were called back to the hospital. My mom had died.

I didn't want to live without her.

It was a total blur, I remember running off down the corridor, no idea why or where I was running to. A nurse ran after me and just held me. She took me back into the room and I kissed my mom one last time.

I was completely heartbroken, and have been ever since. Cancer is so very cruel.

For my Birthday a month after she had died, my dad handed me a box. It was off my mom and dad. My mom had told my dad how proud she was and that I needed to continue with my dream, they got me the camera I had really wanted and I still use to this day.

I gave up on photography for such a long time after this. Sometimes I couldn't even pick up the camera without bursting into tears. I felt a failure, that I was letting my mom down for giving up.

The years after this, when I finally started picking up my camera again, I would take comfort in photographing architecture and moody scenes. Everything had become darkness, so why not shoot it that way, this became my therapy. Slowly, I became inspired again.

The years in between I had lost contact with Christopher, our lives had gone in separate ways, yet I always thought about him.

Skip forward to 2023 and I was sat looking through our past shoots together, I sent him a message with one of the photos and asked how he was. His reply was one I really didn't want to hear and one I really won't forget...

' I have been better, I found out last week that I have cancer so just dealing with that xx'

It's hard to find the words, I couldn't even begin to imagine how he felt.

We reminisced on old times, all the shoots, all the laughs. Why had we both stopped with something that bought us so much happiness? Why did we let life pass us by like that? We arranged to meet up and do a shoot for old times sake.

In January 2024 we met up in Birmingham. Chris hadn't changed a bit, he was exactly how I remember him. To look at him, you would never even think he is poorly, and I guess that's the super disheartening thing about it too. We all take everything at face value, we never really know what's going on in someones world, the pain they are experiencing both mentally and physically.

From the moment I met him he had me laughing until my stomach hurt, he filled me with confidence all over again. He brings so much light, even in his own darkness. This just sums Chris up, he is completely selfless and I don't even think he is aware of it. All I know is that I had missed him immensely.

Half way through our shoot we took a spontaneous trip to Bacchus Bar, where a round of tequila shots happened. Our conversations quickly turned to the past, our dreams, our regrets, the challenge of life itself.

Little did we know how significant this stop at Bacchus would be and how this was the beginning of Brooks&Carter.

To be continued...