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The fact that im getting raw dogged by life everyday. Don’t have any medication to take the edge off. Nor any addiction, I don’t even got a religion or spirituality to fall back on. Im facing this life stone cold sober every goddamn day??? Why???

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I am perpetually stuck between the desire to connect deeply with those I love and the desire to live in utter solitude. I fear equally, being disconnected from myself as much as I fear being disconnected from others.

The more time I spend alone, I feel the tug from two directions: the need to step outside my isolation and encounter the world outside of myself…and the desire to protect the world within from the unsolicited disturbances from the world without.

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“I have still not gotten good at explaining this to anyone who has always wanted to be alive, or at least people who have rarely questioned their commitment to living, but there is a border between wanting to be alive and wanting to stay here, wherever here is to you, or whatever it means. It’s a border that I have found to be flimsy, a thin sheet overrun with holes. But it is a border, nonetheless. Similar to the border between, say, sadness and suffering. All these feelings can intersect, of course. But I have found it slightly more confusing when they don’t. When I maybe want to be alive, but don’t want to be in the world as it is. When I haven’t wanted to be alive, but want to cling to the varied bits of brightness that tumble into my sadness, or my suffering, which isn’t the same as a temporary haze of sadness, or a rush of anxiety. I mean suffering that requires a constant measuring of the scales between staying and leaving. Suffering that requires a consideration of how long the scale can tilt toward leaving before it becomes the only viable option. There are a lot of things in any life that aren’t left up to the people doing the living. If there is anything for a suffering person (or any person) to self-determine, it should be how they live, or if they choose to live at all.”

— Hanif Abdurraqib, in “The Art of Disappearance”

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Sadie Frost in BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA (1992) dir. Francis Ford Coppola

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Forbidden Fruit - Handmade Collage, 2022

Available for purchase

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Literally mind-blowing that people think Nope 2022 is ableist for having a character (Mary Jo Elliott) portray the fictional counterpart to the real life Charla Nash, because they thought her inclusion in the movie as a disfigured woman was for the "shock value" of her face, and that the audience is supposed to find her appearance scary.

Like. Literally how do you miss the point that much?

The horror is not that she is disfigured.

You're not supposed to find her scary.

You're not supposed to be horrified at her appearance.

You're supposed to be horrified that she was victimized by a system that neither cared for the safety of her and her costars as human beings, or about the animals they were working with.

an abusive system that chose to put people and wild animals in close contact and stressful situations for entertainment and profit,

that as one of only two survivors of the attack, Mary Jo is once again a victim of the same system that is attempting to exploit wild animals for the sake of spectacle, but instead of tv producers, it's her fellow survivor continuing to perpetrate the cycle,

the one person who should have been able to understand the danger, the one person who should have realized just how badly this could go wrong, and instead he's embracing the danger, thinking he's special, that he's lucky, that he was "chosen" because he escaped the Gordy's Home attack physically unscathed where the others were ripped apart and died.

We are not meant to find Mary Jo Elliot / Charla Nash scary or horrifying because of their injuries.

We are supposed to be horrified at what she was put through for the sake of entertainment,

the pain and trauma she was put through because other people thought themselves capable of controlling a wild animal,

And the fact that here she is, once again, being subjected to the same horror, only this time it's at the hand of a friend who should have known better, having lived through the same attack.

We, the audience, The Viewers if you will, are not supposed to find Mary Jo Elliot / Charla Nash horrifying for her scars-- we are meant to be horrifed in how she gained those scars.

The entire premise of Nope is a commentary on the exploitation of animals and people for entertainment and the inherent danger therein, and inviting the audience into researching the real history Charla Nash's attack by Travis the Chimp is literally just a way to show this is not just a horror movie, these things happen in real life and we need to stop this from happening again

Like. This movie is as against the exotic pet trade as you can possibly get, especially because this is still very much a problem today, chimpanzees and other primates are still legal to own in almost half of the United States,

the 2011 Zanesville "Zoo Escape" is right there,

And oh look! A quick Google search pulls of an NBC video from June 23rd, 2021 , of someone who owned a Chimpanzee for 17 years having her 50 year old daughter viciously attacked and having to lock herself and her bleeding daughter in the basement so she could call 911 and direct police to do a headshot on the chimpanzee so they could get medical attention.

Like.

This is not a cheap "haha, disfigured people are scary villains and we're showing her for the shock value"

this is literally a horror story about what this woman lived through and is being put through again by someone she should have been able to trust,

and a lesson that things need to change, because this is not just a single incident that happened decades in the past, this is happening right now, and it's going to keep happening until we enact real change to protect people and animals from suffering.

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FLORENCE WELCH sharing a moment with a fan about to risk it all within_and_without on TikTok, September 10th 2022

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The Feminine Signs- How Does This Apply to You?

Taurus- You may find that you are more connected to nature than others, and that you are generally more in-tune with the cycles of the earth. You are a deeply internal person, meaning that you allow yourself to feel your emotions but may not always express them outwardly. This translates as you being a generally stable, collected, and calm individual.

Cancer- You may experience a variety of strong emotions in a day or a shorter period of time than others. Others may have told you that you possess a maternal quality about you, that you are a good listener, or that you have a comforting presence. You are a deeply sensitive person and you need to be careful who you spend time with as they can influence you easily.

Virgo- You are a generally calm, logical individual who does not tend to express emotions outwardly or extremely by any means. You lose respect for others when they can not maintain their composure. Simultaneously, you are in tune with your emotions and do not tend to misplace them, rather, you possess the strength to express them in appropriate ways.

Scorpio- You are an extremely reserved, introverted individual who does not often feel recharged by others. You look forward to your ability to retreat to solace and solitude. At times, you can be manipulative or vindictive when someone has upset you. Despite the tough exterior you show to the world, you are especially soft and vulnerable inwardly.

Capricorn- You are very grounded in reality and what you can see and feel in your immediate surroundings. Once you've set your sights on a goal or opportunity, you won't stop until you've achieved it. While you do experience emotions, you are usually the last one to openly express them. It is much easier for you to focus your emotions towards accomplishing a goal.

Pisces- You are an extremely creative, imaginative person and it can be easy for you to get lost in your own head. Also empathetic, you can sense the moods and emotions of those around you when others can not. At times, your emotions come on so strongly that you can not imagine anyone else understanding how you feel. You prefer to isolate when you're upset.

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79th Venice International Film Festival Sadie Sink, “The Whale” Premiere — September 04, 2022

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i feel physically ill.

its 4 am... someone please add onto this if you so feel inclined

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The mermaid is an archetypal image that represents a woman who is at ease in the great waters of life, the waters of emotion and sexuality. She shows us how to embrace our instinctive sexuality and sensuality so that we can affirm the essence of our feminine nature, the wisdom of our bodies, and the playfulness of our spirit. She symbolizes our connection with our deepest instinctive feelings, our wild and untamed animal nature that exists below the surface of our personalities. 

While the mermaid can plunge to the watery depths of the feminine unconscious, she can also surface to sing her songs and have her voice heard. She is able to respond to her mysterious, sexual impulses without abandoning her more human, conscious side. When a woman can trust her instinctive sensuality and sexuality, balance her conscious desires with her unconscious impulses, remain true to herself, and feel proud of her womanly body, she is embodying the archetype of the mermaid

- Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling, Anita Johnston

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we were discussing wills and inheritances in the breakroom today and one of the boys brought up that he heard if you hate someone in your family, you’re supposed to leave them something, literally anything, even if it’s just like 1 penny, so that they can’t sue and say you just forgot them, and one of the other boys said why wouldn’t you just say like “I specifically do not leave anything to this person” and one of the girls piped up “No, leave them 1 penny, it’s a bigger fuck you” and then she paused and goes “No wait, tell them that you leave them everything in the box you’ve buried in the woods and they have to go find it and dig it up and then they can have everything in it, but it’s just 1 penny” and because I am a writer, and thinking up wild things to have happen is part of the writing job description, I (without looking up from my computer where I was currently writing a story) said “or a bomb. I mean, you hate them right” and i looked up and everyone was looking at me and the girl (who FYI is a horror movie enthusiast and I had figured on appreciating the joke) goes “well. I mean, what are they going to do, arrest me? I’m dead.” and I wish I could bottle the looks on the boys’ faces.

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# me having to remind myself straight people exist

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS | Pine Barrens (4.07)