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Started sobbing in the library in the middle of studying for my bio exam that is at 8:30 tmw morning (it is currently 23:30)

#also sobbing about my mom having surgery in a month not my exam surprisingly #although I’m v behind on studying so

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I can’t tell if I’m depressed, emotionally overwhelmed, reading too much into things, or what

#sobbing into my blanket

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My therapist tried to have me move to weekly meetings and I said no I was ok with every other and I am kind of regretting that decision currently

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I get really annoyed when professors say that like the topic is going to be about race and then the readings and discussions provided are entirely focused on the Black experience. That’s not to say that the Black experience is not incredibly important and that is should be focused on, but it is incredibly disingenuous to say that the class discussion is focused on the intersectionality between another identity and race. There are other races and cultures that deal with that intersectionality in different ways. The framing then should be that it is looking at the intersection of being Black and another identity.

I think in the US there is so much usage of the words “People of color” when people really mean Black people for a lot of the concepts that it muddies the message that you are trying to provide or express. If we are going to have a conversation about discrimination and race, there should be readings about Black people but also about other races and cultures.

#this is just my thoughts because of a class I’m currently in where she keeps doing this and it pisses me off #like you don’t actually mean race you mean Black people #and that perspective and information needs to be taught but it’s not wrong to say what you mean as long as you are not being racist when #discussing the Black experience

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I keep having weird flashbacks and nightmares which is ,,,, something

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If you were curious, I am still crying tears so I can’t be that dehydrated👍

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I hate having trauma bro

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Tbh- I’m ready to quit lowkey

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I’m ready to give up tbh

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I don’t understand why people won’t give me the chance to be their friend. Why they only see me as their acquaintance? I feel like I’m a good friend. I care so deeply about others and I don’t understand why other people can’t see that

#what is so wrong with me that people don’t want to be around me #they only want to be with me in forced shared spaces or in accidental encounters #why doesn’t anyone want to see me with intentionality :( #i don’t understand what I’m doing wrong

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It’s unfortunate that I genuinely feel like most people I care about would not be impacted if I were to die

#i don’t feel like people actually see me as someone important to them #i Just take up space

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I really should not be reading this memoir although it is helpful in terms of validating what I have gone through tbh

#the extra flashbacks and nightmares are not good though

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In a lot of ways, I don’t understand why I’m alive. I don’t understand why I’ve been chosen to stay here while I have to constantly fight my mind that I should be alive. I don’t know why I’m here when I constantly bring pain to the people around me just because I exist.

I don’t understand why I’m alive. Why am I worthy of life over people who are so much better than me?

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My brain cannot figure out how this is what the world is

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I feel like I’m no longer even good at the things I’ve been told by everyone that I’m good at- how then do I not feel like a failure

#i hope sleep comes soon

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I’m cursed- everyone I know is in danger. I’m a selfish horrible person for making connections with others. I turn everything around me into darkness. I am not a good influence. I am not a good thing to be around

#feeling this a lot again the last week or so

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I am not in the mood right now to help friend out with his inability to deal with relationships Jesus fucking Christ