redpandahappypanda

[redpandahappypanda]

I have a hard time reconciling the person I am with the person that I want to be. I want to present all the qualities that everyone professes to admire and desire in themselves

Truth and Honestly are lovely concepts. Being Moral and Righteous and Honorable are great qualities.

They lend me a sense of absolute. This is the One and Only True Way. No grey areas. No difficult moral wrestling with questions or doubt.

I often find myself caught between these absolute qualities and reality. I am finding that extremes of any sort aren’t attainable, much less sustainable. Being Truthful and Honest, at the expense of being kind. Being Righteous and Honorable, at the expense of being expedient. It is a difficult line to walk. I find it harder some days than others.

#love you fren #This is just good shit to be reminded of #especially lately

[redpandahappypanda]

I have never fallen in love out of accident. I have always chosen to love, because what's the point? What's the point of having someone in your life and just not choosing to love them as hard and as fast as possible? What's the point of not treating them with as much care and consideration and love as possible? If someone is worthy enough to be in your world for however long that lasts, you both deserve to feel that.

Sometimes, most times, I think, it ends in pain; but pain is not inherently bad. Love is a choice. It is on purpose. I love people on purpose.

#in which panda rambles

[redpandahappypanda]

crying uncontrollably bc there is so much fucking grief. thank god there is also an abundance of love. i know there is an abundance of love, bc i am full of it!!

[redpandahappypanda]

wtf is the talking stage. tell me you wanna feel me from the inside

[redpandahappypanda]

holding my own face in my own hands and screaming “there is no connection without an open heart! you must be brave! you must be honest! you must be true!” in the mirror

[redpandahappypanda]

[redpandahappypanda]

Tumblr no longering being a thing that I should scroll in the grocery check out line.

#but i still will #because i am not a coward

[redpandahappypanda]

I bought a mobile home. I am OFFICIALLY a real, live Home Owner!

[redpandahappypanda]

The thing about having had and subsequently recovered from having kidney cancer is that I can no longer safely carry another pregnancy.

I have one kidney left. If this kidney fails, I am FUCKED. If my one kidney goes, I'm on dialysis for the rest of my (probably short) life.

I wanted so bad to have another baby. Just one! Preferably with a supportive partner. But those days are over, definitively. Pregnancy is inherently dangerous, and even more so with only one functioning kidney. My sister in law, who had renal cell carcinoma as a child, almost died during both of her pregnancies and labor. Considering how I almost gave her one of my own kidneys; that feels like a bullet dodged. (How embarrassing would it have been to give my sister my cancer kidney?!)

My heart hurts. I feel cheated. Once I started having kids, I wanted so bad to have A Lot of them. My decision on whether or not to have more got taken away from me. Seeing pregnant women hurts again. I wonder if it's ever going to stop hurting, if it ever actually stopped hurting to begin with.

#in which panda rambles #cancer mention

[redpandahappypanda]

It's been three weeks since Branden stiffed me with a large back rent bill and an eviction. The city marshal came last week and gave me the court summons. I am not really anywhere closer to finding a place to go, and court is Thursday after next.

I have reached out to all agencies for assistance. It's now a waiting game to see what else I can find. I'm grateful that my mom has reconsidered letting me and the kids stay with her if nothing pans out in the next week.

Admitting to my children's teachers what's been going on has been really, really, hard; though they've been the ones to offer the most support.

I'm still really lonely. I am not a person who thrives well when isolated, and I feel very isolated right now. I try to reach out to my family when it gets too bad. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not.

My Uncle died today. My Dad's brother in law. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt and Uncle growing up; they were never able to have children of their own. I'm betting my Aunt is lost...I know they were married for at least thirty-three years because they married before my brother was born, and that's how old he is. She loved him more than anyone or anything. She quietly wanted kids. Aunt Becky doted on us as kids. We used to entire summers and falls at their hunting camp. I think Charlie wanted kids too. They were really good to us growing up. Things got strained between me and them in the way they do when you don't grow into the kid of person they would have liked, but I'd like to think they still loved me, even after my grandparents died.

Charlie had been diagnosed with leukemia when I was a small child. He was given a terminal diagnosis, saying he could have palliative care and live for maybe a year. He'd done chemo and radiation, and both had torched his heart. He had an internal pacemaker placed when he went into spontaneous remission, and he lived for another twenty-five years.

My Dad called me for the first time in years to let me know Uncle Charlie had passed this morning. I'll bring him a card and some ziti later this week.

I canceled my gym membership. I haven't been since I'd been cleared to go back to daily living, and I suspect I'll never actually go back.

I thought about going on Tinder, if only for the attention. I don't want to date; I don't want to get attached to anyone; I dont want anyone to get attached to me. I just want to feel less alone. That's not really fair, though, so I just let it lay.

#in which panda rambles

[redpandahappypanda]

silly little cat images really do get me through the day sometimes

[redpandahappypanda]

Happy Labor Day. Today I learned about probably the first strike to happen IN SPACE.

[redpandahappypanda]

It's a strange feeling rebuilding my life.

Branden moved out last week while I was out of the house with a friend all day and texted me that it was over ten minutes before I was due to be home.

My first feeling when I read that text was relief. It felt like a shock, like someone had dumped me into a vat of ice water. The bottom fell out of my stomach, and my world, and all I could feel was RELIEF. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my soul.

The worst part of this has been Quinn. She loved Branden; way more than she loved me or her actual father. She doesn't understand why he's gone. She misses him. She asks for him constantly. Last night, she just cried in my lap, for I couldn't even tell you how many hours because she missed him and she wanted him back.

And there is nothing I can do or say that will help her. Nothing will make her feel better. How do you explain that your partner couldn't cope with you anymore? That the psychotic ex, the constant battle against poverty and homelessness, the disability of all three of us share, that having cancer, all of it was just too much? How do I explain that he loves her with all his heart, but he is choosing not to be in her life, in any capacity?

I suspect there is no explanation.

[redpandahappypanda]

What's it like to have a supportive partner? Someone who gives a shit?

#because ive never had one #in which panda rambles #send help

[redpandahappypanda]

[redpandahappypanda]

[redpandahappypanda]

Now, this is different- a skeleton sewing machine for your goth or Halloween decor. I couldn't find it on Google, but I have been told that it's been seen at JoAnn Fabrics.